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Joonmyun is fifteen when he thinks he’s fallen into like with Yixing. He thinks he is in like because he tells himself that boy is nice and good looking so you should like him. Joonmyun doesn’t really like him all that much because they don’t really know each other but he tells himself that’s only because he’s shy to the idea of feelings. He’s not really in like because he has loved Kyungsoo all his life but he has to move on at some point. (The relationship doesn’t last a week.)
“I’m sorry, but it’s you. You don’t really like me do you? At least not how I want you to.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s better this way if we stop now. No hearts get broken.” Yixing is smart.
♥
Love has always been an awkward affair for Joonmyun. He would like to take Kyungsoo out on dates, bearing chocolates and flowers. He would like to take a stroll in the park late at night and kiss under the flickering lamp post light. He would like to take Kyungsoo back home, kiss his forehead and wish him a good night and sweet dreams. He would like to be sincere with his feelings, but he’s never been able to vocalize any of his dreams when Kyungsoo’s heart does not belong to him.
Kyungsoo’s heart belongs to a younger guy named Jongin. He’s perfect in the way that he has a nice body, a nice tan, a nice smile, and a nice sense of humor. Jongin is also good with kids and pets and peers and adults and everyone adores him. Of course, everyone adores Joonmyun too but he’s more of the afterthought because he is less intriguing because while everyone gets close with Jongin, Joonmyun keeps his distance. Joonmyun doesn’t want people to get too close to him anyways, they’ll break his heart and he’ll let them just like how he lets Kyungsoo do it with every shy smile that directs itself towards Jongin.
“Do you love him?”
“I do, I love him so much.” Joonmyun believes him because Kyungsoo isn’t very good at lying.
And that will be okay because logically if Kyungsoo loves someone, Joonmyun should try to support Kyungsoo but it’s hard because he just wants to steal Kyungsoo away. He knows that’s not something he would do because every time he tries to visualize it, Kyungsoo is screaming at him in anger and betrayal. The thought seizes him up in fear and he hastily adds an extra lock over his heart and hopes Kyungsoo throws away all the keys he holds because Kyungsoo should never ever see how ugly Joonmyun’s heart has become.
“Why do you love him so much?”
“I don’t know, I wish I did. It would save me a lot of pain if I could try to find it in someone else because it hurts whenever he doesn’t look at me how I want him to.”
Joonmyun doesn’t trust his voice so he hums in agreement because he knows more than anyone else but he can’t say it and he won’t-- but he wants to. He wants to tell Kyungsoo that he will be whatever Kyungsoo wants him to be. He will be everything and anything for Kyungsoo so he doesn’t even have to look for anyone else ever again because he wants them to only see each other. He hums in agreement and adds another lock over his heart because if he says anything and screws up their friendship everything might be over forever. Forever a very long time.
♥
Kyungsoo doesn’t cry very often. Joonmyun prides himself on the fact that he’s never ever made Kyungsoo cry in his life. Jongin makes Kyungsoo cry. Jongin makes Kyungsoo cry when he dates Sehun, when he kisses Chanyeol, when he asks Baekhyun to prom. It hurts to sit next to Kyungsoo on the couch with a tub of melting ice cream and hear him sniffling. His heart is hurting while he listens to Kyungsoo stutter about how Baekhyun sits next to him in Chemistry and how he felt so embarrassed because he had to pretend his hopeful smile was for Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo's tears are diamonds; each and every drop that falls down his face is precious.
Joonmyun wipes away Kyungsoo's tears because if Kyungsoo's tears are diamonds, his smile is the sun and it lights up his whole world.
“I’ll always be there to make you happy.”
“I know you will.”
He’s sincere, and he’s sure Kyungsoo is too. He knows Kyungsoo is not looking to just be happy like Joonmyun is. Kyungsoo wants to be enthralled and entranced; Joonmyun wants to keep his heart in his chest and his head attached to his body. He adds extra locks over his heart because he needs to protect himself.
“Image is everything.”
“No it’s not. You’re exaggerating.” Kyungsoo doesn’t know.
“Your image is how people perceive you.” He wants Kyungsoo to think he’s perfect.
“Doesn’t it matter more how you perceive yourself?” No.
“Of course.” He’s really a monster. He doesn’t want to be.
“See? I’m always right.” No.
“Of course.” Kyungsoo’s never been.
He tells himself he should stop now so his heart will stop breaking but it’s much too late to stop now. He’s fallen in too deep and he’s not sure how to stop. Belatedly, he wishes he listened to Yixing.
How many more locks on his heart will it take for his heart to stop trying to beat out of his chest? He’s tired.
♥
Joonmyun is sixteen when he dates Jongdae. He doesn’t love Jongdae, but he likes him well enough. Jongdae’s sharp tongue has no effect on Joonmyun-- mainly because he doesn’t care about Jongdae’s opinions. Jongdae enjoys the fact that he has someone to complain to, someone that won’t leave him. They’re both very lonely people.
He doesn’t feel a need to add locks to his hearts around Jongdae; he also doesn’t feel a need to take off the chains that hide his fragile heart. Jongdae is not a threat but he has eyes that pierce through the soul. It feels like Jongdae sees him for who he is: spineless, lost, and incredibly sad. That might be the reason why they break up. Jongdae can’t afford to give his heart to someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his own.
“It’s not me, obviously it’s you. Dickwad.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“It’s better that I break up with you before you break me.”
Joonmyun agrees. He looks away when Jongdae cries because Jongdae is the prideful sort of person that wouldn’t want anyone looking at him in his lowest moment. Jongdae’s sobs are heart wrenching and it makes Joonmyun feel incredibly bad.
Jongdae’s tears are flower petals; each and every drop that falls down his face strips him of his facades and leaves him feeling naked, ugly, and vulnerable.
Joonmyun wipes away Jongdae's tears because if Jongdae’s tears are flower petals, his forced smile is a hurricane that destroys Jongdae’s pride in a torrent of eminent destruction.
This is a mess that Joonmyun has created but it’s not one he can possibly hope to fix so he leaves Jongdae’s heart on the table and hopes Jongdae knows how to fix it-- because he doesn’t.
♥
Joonmyun is seventeen when he takes Kyungsoo to prom. It should feel magical. They’re going together as friends not because Kyungsoo likes him but because Kyungsoo doesn’t want to accept anyone other than Jongin. Jongdae asked Joonmyun to prom. (He said no because Kyungsoo needed him more.)(Jongdae laughed.)(He also said Kyungsoo doesn’t need him, but Joonmyun needed Kyungsoo.)(Joonmyun couldn’t disagree.)
“This guy you like, do you like him more than anyone in the world?”
“I love him.”
“Why are you here with me? I wouldn’t have gone with you if you wanted to go with him.”
“No, he’s here. He’s just too far from my reach.”
“Because it’s you, I’m sure you’ll have him in the palm of your hands in no time.”
Joonmyun puts one hand on Kyungsoo’s waist, one hand curled around one of Kyungsoo’s hands. He has Kyungsoo’s palm in his hand but he sees Kyungsoo’s eyes wandering longingly towards the middle of the dance floor to Prom King and Queen Jongin and Baekhyun. He has Kyungsoo in his hands but Kyungsoo’s head and heart are so so far away. Joonmyun swallows his heart down, and adds another lock over his heart because his heart is hurting and he needs to bind the pain so he can live for just another day.
Prom is memorable because the pain of watching Kyungsoo love someone else all night hurts like a knife that finds an opening to his heart.
♥
Joonmyun has always wanted Kyungsoo to love him but even when they are in college, Kyungsoo only has eyes for Jongin. Jongin ends up going to the same university they do. Joonmyun studies medicine, Kyungsoo studies music theory, and Jongin studies architecture. Kyungsoo is so in love with Jongin who wants to learn how to build things. Jongin is beginning to love Kyungsoo who wants to create things. Their goals are similar even though their routes are a little different and it forms a bond between them that they didn’t have before. Joonmyun hates it. He adds another lock over his heart grudgingly because he feels his heart on the verge of breaking-- and he realises that he’s felt this for a very very long time. (And it’s never ever going to stop.)
“We have so much in common.”
“We do too.”
“Joonmyun, you are not in the least bit creative. You’re majoring in science.”
“I want to create things too.” He’s wanted to create a real relationship.
“No, you just want to salvage what’s already there.” He supposes that’s okay because they already have a friendship. He has to remind himself not to be greedy.
♥
Joonmyun falls into the bad habit of smoking and going to college parties. It’s not that it’s his scene but because it serves as a distraction from Kyungsoo and Jongin. Joonmyun does not condone smoking but when the image of Kyungsoo lacing his hands with Jongin burns into his mind it’s all he can do to prevent himself from breaking down. Joonmyun does not condone drinking but it blurs his vision of reality for at least one night at a time. (The morning after makes it very clear that reality cannot be escaped for any extended period of time.)
“You’ve always been so good, what went wrong?”
“What if I didn’t want to be good anymore?”It’s never done me any good. It’s never given me what I wanted.
“I want you to be good.” Does it even matter?
“I’ll be good for you.” I’ll be everything and anything you want me to be.
“Do you promise?”
“Only if you promise to never to leave me.”
“I’ve never left you before, why would I now?”
Joonmyun give Kyungsoo a tight-lipped smile. Kyungsoo’s never left but he’s never really been there either. He crushes Kyungsoo in a hug and he’s honest for the first time a long time.
“I’m just lonely.”
♥
Joonmyun becomes a successful doctor with his own clinic at the age of twenty eight, and it’s everything his parents have ever wanted. He thinks he’s going to be okay. He’s living on his own and he’s allowed to immerse himself in his work when Kyungsoo is not around to put him to bed or feed him home cooked meals. He doesn’t think his life is lonely because he’s always so busy he doesn’t have the time to feel lonely-- it’s good. He’s finally content.
He gets his mail on Tuesdays. There are bills, there are letters from his parents, and there is a very pretty envelope from Kyungsoo. He opens it with dread. He finds an invitation to Kyungsoo’s wedding. He’s getting married to Jongin after ten years of dating. All the signs were there so it was expected but there was a reason why he chose to ignore those signs. This makes everything official. There’s no one home to judge him or the locks on his heart that breaks down one by one. At moments like these, he is grateful that he lives alone. He locks the door and sinks onto his couch and let his tears silently drip down his face.
Joonmyun's tears are dandelion florets; each and every drop that falls down his face springs more tears that are unnecessary and unwanted.
Joonmyun wipes away his own tears because if he doesn’t, no one else will.
♥
No one but Jongdae knows how hard he takes the news. Joonmyun used to think he was living but he’s not, he’s just alive.
“I’ll go with you if you need me to.”
“Don’t do this to yourself.”
“It’s my choice.” Joonmyun can see he’s determined.
“I’ll end up breaking your heart.”
Jongdae’s laugh is hollow.
“What makes you think you haven’t already?”
Jongdae’s tears are flower petals; each and every drop that falls down his face strips him of his facades and leaves him wounded, tired, and exposed.
That’s why Jongdae refuses to cry in front of Joonmyun, he’ll hide under blankets at night and do it quietly when he thinks Joonmyun is asleep.
It is only when Jongdae is asleep that Joonmyun finds the courage to wipe dried tear tracks off Jongdae's face with a guilty conscience. Joonmyun is so so sorry but he doesn’t know how to walk without crutches.
Joonmyun wishes he could learn to love Jongdae but love isn’t something that is learnt, it’s felt.
♥
Joonmyun goes to the wedding because he is Kyungsoo’s best friend and although he knows how his heart is bleeding on the inside, he wants to engrave Kyungsoo’s face of pure bliss into his mind. He goes with Jongdae as his date and he’s sorry for giving any sense of false hope but he can’t do this alone. He’s never seen Kyungsoo so happy before; he’s never given Kyungsoo that kind of happiness before.
He’s not sure why he agrees, but he gives a speech as the bride’s best friend.
“Kyungsoo, I’ve known him for a very long time.” I’ve loved him for longer.
“I’ve only ever wanted him to be happy.”I wanted him to be happy with me.
“Today, Kyungsoo is his happiest.” But he’ll never be with me.
“And from now on, until forever, he’ll only be happier.”Never with me.
“He’s my best friend.”He’ll only ever be my friend.
“I love him.”
“And this is everything I’ve always wanted for him.” And simultaneously everything I’ve hoped would never happen.
He thinks maybe he should object to this marriage but he can’t because he wants Kyungsoo to be happy. He wants it so so much. So he claps mindlessly along with everyone else’s much more genuine claps.
“You look good today, Kyungsoo.”
“Don’t I always?”
“Of course.” He means it.
He walks out with Jongdae clutching his arm and he feels surprisingly a lot less upset than he thought he would. It might be because he’s added a lock to his heart for every smile Kyungsoo directs towards him today. Joonmyun can’t afford to give Jongdae anymore false hope because he knows from personal experiences how horrible it feels.
By the time he’s reached his car, he realizes his heart has dropped down to his stomach from the weight of all the restraints he’s put on himself. He hopes his heart corrodes in his stomach acids because everything hurts.
“Are you okay?”
“Will you help me make it okay?”
“I don’t think that’s something I can help you with.”
“That’s okay, I didn’t think so either.”
♥
A few days later, Joonmyun checks himself to his doctor. If he could, he would prescribe himself his own medication but he can’t. Wufan is one of the most reliable persons Joonmyun ever known so he knows Wufan will give him what he needs.
“I am having heartburns. Can you prescribe me something fast-acting? I’m also having a hard time falling asleep and you know how bad that is for a doctor. I don’t want to be sluggish for work.”
“Hm, well alright. I assume I don’t have to tell you that you should follow the directions properly.” He sees how Wufan eyes him warily. He knows Wufan doesn’t believe him but he doesn’t need him to.
“You don’t have to.”
“Joonmyun, I’m worried about you.”
“Maybe you should be.” Joonmyun’s smile is secretive and pained. He hopes Wufan will understand.
“But I’m going to be fine.” I have to be.
“Are you?”
“Of course.” I need to be.
♥
Joonmyun makes plans to eat dinner with Kyungsoo on a Sunday. Kyungsoo wants to bring Jongin and all of a sudden Joonmyun feels like he is starting to have a heartburn. It might be the Big Mac he had earlier. He takes two pills but it doesn’t feel like it’s working fast enough for something that’s supposed to be fast-acting.
So he takes two more.
He doesn’t feel anything still so maybe he just needs to take a nap.
So he opens his bottle of sleeping pills and he takes two.
Just for good measure he takes another one.
He’s not too sure but that one might have been three.
Now that it’s started to take effect, Joonmyun stumbles to his bedroom but he’s finding it increasingly hard so he just slumps on the floor next to his bed and he figures it’s good enough.
♥
He wakes up to a screaming Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is kind of loud and it should hurt his sensitive ears but Kyungsoo sounds so far away. Maybe Kyungsoo is crying for him. Maybe Kyungsoo is crying because of him.
He’s never made Kyungsoo cry before.
The morbid part of him is gleeful to finally have Kyungsoo for himself. For a moment in time he pretends Kyungsoo is cradling his limp body because they are lovers. Then he spies the wedding band on Kyungsoo’s finger and reality crashes on him again. He’s too tired to place more locks on his heart so he lets it bleed until it crusts and dries up-- dark and unsightly.
“Stay with me, Joonmyun.”I’ve never left in my entire life.
“You have to stay awake.” I wonder how it feels to be free.
“Please.” I don’t want to.
“Goodnight, Kyungsoo.” Goodbye, Kyungsoo.
He hears Kyungsoo screaming on his phone for an ambulance but he knows they won’t make it on time. He doesn’t want them to.
I’m not a good guy, so don’t waste your tears on me.
Kyungsoo's tears are diamonds; each and every drop that falls down his face is precious.
Joonmyun wiped away Kyungsoo's tears because if Kyungsoo's tears were diamonds, his smile was Joonmyun’s sun and it lit up his whole world.
But he’s not there to wipe Kyungsoo’s tears anymore because there’s already someone else there to do it for him.
And he will do it better than Joonmyun ever could.