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Hi, I’m Maya. You’re really cute. We should hang out sometime. You make me happy. You don’t pay enough attention to me. This isn’t working out. It’s you, not me. We can still be friends. Not really.
He’s just a cute boy on the subway you wanted to mess with. For kicks, a way to pass the time on the way to school. Dark blonde hair and his eyes a shade of green you’d never seen before.
The looks of pure shock along with slight confusion and amusement on his face at your spiel is enough as you start to walk away, hearing him say your name a couple times to himself and you can’t help but really like the way it sounds as it rolls off his tongue.
A sure to be fleeting sense of hope settles in at the prospect of maybe crossing paths with him again.
.
The boy from the subway shows up in class. Lucas Friar from Austin, Texas you learn just as you’re beginning a tirade against homework.
You’re too enamored in the mission at hand to really pay much attention to him. But it’s impossible to miss the way his gaze stays on you and it catches your own.
His body set in defense, but his eyes sparkling with a sort of unbridled awe that you force yourself to look away from only when the fire sprinkler start raining down in the classroom.
.
Riley, your best friend, is enchanted by Lucas almost immediately.
There’s an air of innate goodness that follows him around. A kindness in his easy smile and he’s appears to be every bit of the prince charming Riley’s been waiting for all her life. He absolutely looks the part.
Every moment that’s spent with the both of them is in an effort to get them to speak to each other. Lucas sometimes tries to ask you questions about yourself and every time you direct them back to Riley. He’s what she wants, she deserves to get that.
(You try not to think about what it is that you want.)
It doesn’t matter that there’s a mixture of sadness and regret settling low in your belly the moment you see Lucas make an effort with Riley on his own.
.
Huckleberry
Sundance
Cowboy
They’re all easier to push from the tip of your tongue than Lucas is. Each nickname creating a wall between the two of you. A safe distance from the reality of whatever the hell tension that lingers in the space that keeps you apart, somehow wanting to push you closer.
He doesn’t seem to mind the nicknames which is infuriating all on it’s own as a slow smirk always works its way across his lips.
Honestly, you want to knock him down a peg. You can’t figure out if you like that it seems that he wouldn’t care a bit if you did.
.
You tell him about your life. About how your dad left when you were seven and your mom’s barely ever around. It’s something you don’t fault her for because she’s only trying to provide but it doesn’t make it any easier on the nights it hits you just how empty your home is.
It’s okay. you tell him, mostly meaning it. The attempt at reassurance does nothing to lessen the worry that’s written all over his face.
Lucas tells you about why he really moved to New York from Texas, confides in you about his anger. He timidly mentions that he hospitalized another student at his former school and the fear that maybe he’s scared you off is evident in the way the skin crinkles around his eyes and in the way his hand stretches just slightly to reach for your own before he thinks better of crossing that line just yet.
But he invites you over for dinner and you know it’s just because he’s worried you’re lonely.
.
Lucas has this friend from Texas, Zay, that transfers to Abigail Adam High School and he completely turns everything on it’s axis all at once.
He sits behind Lucas in your history class and starts mouthing off about how he’s known Lucas forever, Zay lets it slip to the whole class why Lucas is even here. That he defended him against a bully at their old school.
You already knew all of this, of course. But you also knew that it was something Lucas didn’t want to get anyone else involved in. He had an image he was trying to stay true to, plus he didn’t want any rumors flying around about him in a still somewhat unfamiliar place.
His fists were clenched atop his desk and his eyes had gone a darker shade of green, breaths heavy, and all you could do in that moment was settle your hand upon his own and rub steady circles until he calmed down.
.
Riley and Lucas break up. Or something, as they weren’t really officially a couple but they were unofficially more than just friends. She’s realized that maybe Lucas isn’t who she built him up to be in her mind when they first met. That she doesn’t like that he kept his past from her.
She thinks she may have feelings for Zay and wants to see where it goes.
It’s Riley that tells you all this, only a few hours after it’s happened and there seems to be more behind why she’s telling you than just wanting to let you know.
She reaches for your hand and her words are soft and whispered; Peaches, it’d be okay if you liked him.
.
It’s nothing new that your mom isn’t home. A repeated occurrence since your early childhood that started when your father left, really. But some nights are still more difficult than others, when you’re hyperaware of the silence that surrounds and fills every should-be empty space.
You don’t bother texting him as you shimmy into your jeans and shoes and throw on a jacket before climbing down the fire escape from your apartment window.
It’s late, but any regret you might have had trekking through the city at this time of night disappears completely when you see Lucas’ tousled hair sticking up from just over his bed-frame when you knock on his window.
You fix him with a sweet smile once you’ve made it through his window and trudge over to his bed. He doesn’t ask why you’re there and you don’t tell him, don’t say anything more than ask if it’s alright if you stay the night.
Lucas smiles at you so softly, the gentle light filtering in from the curtains accentuating the curves of his mouth, and he scoots over on the bed to make room for you.
He’s exhausted and doesn’t make a move to sleep on his couch or floor, and you’re grateful that he stays as you settle your head on his chest and curl up to him, his arm cradling you against him.
The next morning he tosses you one of his shirts to wear to school and as you make your way from his bedroom, you don’t miss the slightly shocked and knowing look that Mrs. Friar aims at the both of you.
.
It’s something that starts happening quite often, a steadiness that you can rely on. Night after night, you find yourself at his place. There’s an easy rhythm in the way you spend your time together.
Some nights he helps you with your school work, other nights he’s content to just watch as you drift away while working in your sketchbook.
When it gets too late for you to walk home, Lucas always insists that you sleep over and usually you’re too tired to fight him too hard on it and you ignore the look of triumph he sports whenever you give in to him.
Stay, Sundance; The request easily rolling off your lips, a habit you find it hard not to indulge in anytime you sleep over.
You’ve gotten used to falling asleep next to him.
.
Your time between Riley and Lucas has become split down the middle. All the time you once spent with her, half of it now belongs to him.
Riley smiles knowingly and you try not to feel too uncomfortable at the implications behind her smile when she says it’s fine, that the other half of her time is now spent with Zay. She thinks this is how it’s meant to be now that she has a boyfriend.
You say it’s not the same thing, that Lucas is only your friend and the way she narrows her eyes at you - like she’s trying to figure out all the thoughts deep in your mind - leaves something very unsettled.
Lucas really cares about you.
You know this.
You come to school together almost every morning, most times you’re wearing one of his shirts. You have to know how that looks to everyone else.
You’re aware of this, too.
You hear the way Zay relentlessly makes fun of Lucas for the amount of time he spends with you. You hear the whispers of your classmates when you show up glued to his side at the beginning of the school day.
I know you have to protect yourself, Peaches. You always have, but please be careful. He might think this means more than it does.
And honestly, you’re not even sure if you know what any of it means.
But your heart is vulnerable and on it’s way to being his and, god, you hope he’ll be gentle with it.
.
Lucas invites Zay, Riley, and yourself to Texas for his seventeenth birthday.
Despite attempts to stick close to Riley’s side all evening, her and Zay are caught up in that whole honeymoon phase that new couples seem to find themselves in. You’re happy for them, really.
But there’s been a new heaviness that accompanies being alone with Lucas these days. One that you think could crush you if you don’t find a way out from underneath it.
You’re at a campfire and he’s looking at you like you’re something fragile. His eyes, a softer but brighter green than usual, being brought out by the firelight. You want him to just stop. Because it’s too much and his eyes are giving away his feelings without him having to say anything.
Even if you’re wanting to run in the opposite direction, something in you pushes you to be closer to him.
Happy Birthday, Lucas
Your lips meet his and a part of your world shatters because you’re supposed to be just friends. And kissing your friends isn’t suppose to feel like this. Like some life-altering experience.
It’s strikes you that it’s possible you’re in love with him and this isn’t supposed to fucking happen.
His lips are soft but sure and both his hands are cradling your face as you pull away, breath mingling in the small space between you.
He’s searching for something in your eyes that you’re not ready to give away just yet, then the moments over as you back away from him just slightly.
You don’t bring up the kiss and he must get the idea because neither does he.
Your heart is aching because it’s all LucasLucasLucas but you don’t know how to tell him.
Instead you act like nothing’s changed.
.
You’ve barely said a word to Lucas a month after the trip to Texas. After that kiss.
A guy from school asks you out and when you Lucas finds out from a fellow student, you pretend not to notice the way his whole body stiffens and jaw clenches.
Relax Huckleberry, it’s just a date.
But you both know this could very well be the end of whatever you are to each other.
And because of that your eyes refuse to meet his any longer.
.
The date is hardly a distraction because the only thing you can manage to think of is Lucas and how everything’s gone to hell.
He’s angry with you and you don’t blame him.
You miss him so much more than you thought was possible.
.
It wasn’t in the plan to show up at his house in a flurry of tears and an anger that just won’t calm. It wasn’t the plan to show up here at all. But you’re exhausted and you’re tired of missing him.
You knock on his window instead of just crawling through because things have changed and it’s been months since you’ve seen Lucas’ bedroom, since you’ve been here. Since before Texas, when everything got complicated.
When it all got too real and started to mean something more
Lucas is just watching you with this unrestrained warmth and fondness that you have no idea what to do with (it’s not the anger you expected) and it pisses you off.
This is all your fault, Huckleberry
He says he hates how faraway you’ve become. It makes no sense how distanced you are from each other when you’d gotten so close.
You love me; It’s accusatory. His eyes widen and his mouth opens but shuts just as soon at your next words.
Don’t deny it.
So he doesn’t.
You’ve been trying not to feel all these things for him. You tell him as much, that in Texas everything just caught up with you and you wanted to kiss him, needed to.
But it made it too real and all you knew how to do at that point was run away.
Lucas doesn’t understand what’s wrong with real.
Anything that’s real has a way of disappearing, being nothing. You don’t want Lucas to become nothing. Despite your attempts at pushing him away, you somehow found yourself needing him. Loving him.
Lucas promises that he’s not going anywhere and he holds you, his arms secure and tight around your frame and you didn’t realize how much you needed to feel this close to him again.
You hold on to his words because you know they’re true and being held by him feels like home and right now, that’s enough.