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howard stark was a deadbeat dad. he was an alcoholic, egotistical, supposed pioneer of average intelligence at best. by eight, tony was a better engineer, a better chemist, a better computer scientist than he had ever been, and howard hated him for it. he couldn’t stand that there was someone better than him, so he tried to tear everyone else down. that was tony’s worst fear, his entire life, that he’d have a chance to start a family and eventually he’d turn into his old man.
he got his chance. when he met peter parker, the 15 year old kid from queens who was more of a superhero than anyone he’d ever known, that old insecurity bubbled up again.
leave him alone, tony. you’ll fuck him up.
he pushed it back down.
i am nothing like him.
he took his chance and he ran with it. he taught the stupid kid everything he knew and it still wasn’t enough to save his life. deep, deep, down, he knew it wasn’t his fault, and he knew that if peter hadn’t come to titan he would have died on earth, but it didn’t matter now.
you pushed him. he just wanted to be like you. you killed him. your fault your faultyourfaultyourfault.
tony’s throat closes up. he can’t breathe. he runs his grimy hands through his disheveled hair, scattering peter’s ashes into the arid desert wind in the process.
god, you’re pathetic. get it together.
“FRIDAY, call pepper,” he whispers, shakily, barely able to fast.
the phone rings once, twice, five times. “no answer, sir. the cell signal has been terminated.”
tony falls to his knees, desperately grabbing the sand. he’s breathing so fast, and suddenly he’s ten years old and howard has had too many shots of whiskey and tony’s backed against the wall while his dad screams that he’s ungrateful. he’s back in new york, falling down through that wormhole and he’s terrified, even though he just wanted to prove that he was a better man than his father and now it’s going to get him killed. he’s in siberia and steve is slamming the shield into his arc reactor while tony holds his arms over his face because he really thought his best friend would kill him right there in that stupid bunker.
mr. stark, i’m sorry.
“it’s not your fault, kid, it’s not your fault. i could have done more, i shouldn’t have let this happen, i should be the one who’s sorry,” he mumbles, but no one’s listening. everyone he loves is dead.