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The skirt was a layered affair of see-through fabric and delicate lace, creamy whites and soft pinks and reds blending into a gradient like some sort of strawberry dessert.
“That's really cute!” Blue said, cheerfully picking it up and holding it out in front of him. “Were you planning to buy it?”
The surprised bark of laughter was genuine.
“Pfff, what? Nah, why would I? I don't wear that kinda stuff,” Red chuckled.
“Aw. It would suit you really well though,” Blue said. “Oh well. Hey, let's go check out the sneakers then!”
Red nodded, and managed not to glance back at the skirt when Blue hung it back where he found it. He followed after his boyfriend and spent the next hour helping him decide whether the blue sneakers with the white stars or the white sneakers with the blue stars were a better option for him. (He ended up picking the former.)
They went home after that. Or rather, Red did, Blue separated from him along the way since he had a training session with Alphys. Blue and Alphys still practised a lot together even though the guard was officially disbanded - they both enjoyed the workout. Red was obviously less enthusiastic about the prospect of exercising, so he went home instead with the promise to record the new episode of Napstablook’s DJ show - he'd have the Mettaton from the core timeline over as a guest today and the performance was something Blue didn't want to miss.
After a quick kiss, Red took a shortcut straight to their living room, putting Blue's new shoes away for him before he sat down on the couch, turned on the TV, and hit the record button when the show started.
Napstablook and Mettaton started with an intro, going over their plans for the episode excitedly. Red muted them. He wasn't really a fan of the two and the sound didn't need to be on for the recording to work properly.
He took a deep breath, allowing his body to sink deeper into the pillows of the couch.
Yeah.
Today was a good day. A shopping trip and it had been calm, no issues there for the most part, and now he had some downtime for himself before his boyfriend would come back and they could eat and hang out together.
The itch he had felt since earlier made it hard to truly relax. It was unusual for him to feel restless. But it was a good day and. So.
On the screen, Napstablook invited his cross-universal cousin Mettaton onto the stage. The two robots did a dance routine together, Napstablook’s blue suit contrasting nicely with Mettaton’s intense pink dress. They circled around each other, acting out what was obviously supposed to be a love story, until an explosion of white and purple confetti erupted between them.
They reminded Red of flowers or exotic birds.
Pretty and delicate.
He stared at the screen. Usually he wouldn't pay attention to this stuff at all when Blue wasn't there, taking a nap instead or checking out his favourite forum or something. But right now he couldn't tear his eyes away from the spectacle on the screen.
Today was supposed to be a good day.
He kept staring.
Napstablook was twirling two records on his fingers, moving in a fast and confident way. Mettaton was moving around him, looking softer and more graceful. The hem of his dress seemed to flow around his legs like water, airy and light.
It was so pretty.
And nobody was here.
...so perhaps it wasn't a good day after all.
With a sigh and a quick look around, Red got up. The curtains were already closed in preparation for his nap and it was quiet since Blue was out. He was alone and nobody could see him. Kicking his slippers away, he pulled his shorts down until his lower half was bare. His shirt was just a bit longer than it really needed to be, falling about halfway to his femurs. He shed his jacket too for good measure and pulled the shirt down more, until it slipped down and rested more on his humeri than his actual shoulders. It was already pretty threadbare and stretched out so it could take some more. Like this, the neckline resembled one of those fancy regency dresses. From his inventory, he pulled a soft pink belt that he pulled around his middle. Now the shirt bunched and ruffled as it fell down, more similar to a proper dress. It was one of the only accessories that Red had allowed himself to buy, secretly while constantly worrying about somebody finding out.
Rid of his usual clothes and covered in what could pass for his dress, he felt a bit better. Calmer. When he twisted left and right quickly, the shirt flared like a dress, billowing out around him. It made him feel more delicate and pretty. The fabric fluttered and tickled against his bones.
His bones.
Ugh.
His positive feelings crumbled in an instant. He twisted the fabric of the shirt between his fingers, staring down at the chipped bone of his phalanges, his femurs, tibia and fibula. So many cracks and scars, nicks and scratches that had discoloured and gotten bumpy over the years. The bones were broad too, thick and sturdy. He knew that his face wouldn't win any prizes either. A perpetual ridge under his sockets made him look exhausted, he had a gold tooth, there was a crack growing from the place where he lost that tooth to his eye socket, his skull was kind of squashed and wide.
It made him feel stupid, to look like this and stand here in an overlong shirt like that would make it better. Like that would make him prettier.
He glanced up at the TV screen, at Mettaton’s swishing dress.
He didn't have to imagine his own dumb image next to it to know that he didn't measure up.
“Uhm… Red?”
Red flinched hard, turning around so quickly that he stumbled and fell onto his ass. He didn't crack anything thankfully, but that would be a bruise for sure. That didn't bother him as much as seeing Blue standing in the door though, hands outstretched as if to catch him and a worried expression on his face.
Shit.
Shit shit shit, how long had he been standing there? What had he seen? Red wanted to curl up on himself and shrivel into nothing. It wasn't fair. One of the few times he gave in and this had to happen? He never should have expected fate to be so kind to let him have this for himself.
“Are you okay?” Blue asked, stepping closer.
Red scrambled back. For once he didn't want to be near Blue.
“I thought you were training with Alphys,” Red snapped, his skull burning with an increasingly splotchy blush.
“She got sick,” Blue said carefully. “Magic flu. I put her to bed and then came back here once Undyne arrived to take care of her.”
Red didn't know what to say. He was mortified. Scrambling over to his discarded clothes, he quickly began to put them back on, rearranging his shirt and trying to ignore the way Blue was still staring at him with insecure worry. He wanted nothing but to pretend this hadn't happened.
“So, uh, we gonna make dinner or what,” he asked while roughly pulling his shorts back up and stepping back into his slippers.
“You know you can talk to me, right?” Blue asked quietly, completely ignoring Red.
“I don't -”
“No matter what,” Blue insisted as he stepped closer to Red. Red tensed, not sure how to react. Couldn't they just move past this? Ignore this?
Blue slowly reached out and placed his hands on Red's shoulder, waiting to see if it was okay to touch him. Red didn't struggle. He didn't have a problem with Blue touching him, it was just that he was too overwhelmed by his feelings and wanted to turn back time just to have this not have happened. But of course the universe didn't grant him that wish.
Red was pulled closer to Blue until his boyfriend had him wrapped in a hug, Red's head resting on Blue's shoulder. That was a bit of a relief. It was easier to deal with his burning shame when he didn’t have to look at Blue.
It was only slowly that Red allowed himself to relax and hug back. He had panicked and he still felt deeply uncomfortable and upset, but rationally he knew that Blue would only want to support him.
“Do you need anything?” Blue asked him eventually. “Is there something I can do? Should I call you something different?”
“No,” Red mumbled.
“Is it… just a crossdressing thing then? Or…?” Blue sounded earnest stumbling over his own words. He wasn't judgemental at all, only tried to figure out how Red felt and how to best be there for him. Trying not to say anything wrong.
It made him feel choked up.
“Yeah. No. Dunno,” Red forced out, his voice sounding thicker than he’d like. “I dunno how I feel. I like who I am but sometimes I just feel really different ‘n then it's… it helps to dress different but it also makes me feel like shit. I feel ridiculous. But good. I dunno.”
He didn't think it would all just burst out of him like that, but there it was. In spite of his embarrassment, it wasn’t completely terrible to have it out there. To have one person who knew.
“I don't think you're ridiculous,” Blue assured him, although he sounded a little helpless. He probably hadn't really been prepared to deal with something so emotional out of the blue, Red thought. The next bit, however, was said with force. “Why shouldn't you wear whatever makes you comfortable?”
Red didn't reply. They both already knew why.
Red came from a world of kill or be killed. Anything that could potentially be seen as weak, anything soft or cute or pretty, was something he couldn't allow himself to have for the majority of his life. Because that was nothing but an invitation for others to attack. He knew he should be safe now, they had been on the surface for over a year and tensions among monsters as well as between humans and monsters had mellowed out considerably. The thing was, it hadn't registered emotionally yet. The fell verse instinct to hide anything that made him vulnerable was still deeply ingrained. So deeply that he hadn't even told Blue, despite how close they were. That made him feel crappy too.
Blue squeezed him closer, running his hands over Red's back.
“It's just… I see you look, you know?” Blue told him, his voice now quiet and soft. “At skirts and dresses and people like Mettaton who wear them. And I didn't want to say anything because I don't want to pressure you, but I also want you to be happy! I don't want you to feel as though you can't be yourself!”
Red wasn't sure if he was entirely ready for that yet. But hearing it from Blue while being held like this made him feel as though he could at least try.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, and finally hugged Blue back properly.