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there’s nothing that lee donghyuck hasn’t done with na jaemin by his side – nowhere that he’s been, that jaemin hasn’t been too. and he can’t remember a moment where jaemin didn’t make sense, nor a time where he felt scared or insecure while wrapped in his presence. this he assumed, was what best friends were and nothing else. it had helped that they knew each other inside out, since they were crawling on their hands and knees while their mothers gossiped about which new intern in the office was cutest and which ones maybe had potential if they styled their hair differently.
now they were older and it was as if nothing changed, until it did.
loving na jaemin was easy and it may have been because he always loved him. he loved him even when he didn’t think he could love himself, when he felt like the world was too big for someone so small. he’d fold himself into a shape so minuscule, it barely existed but jaemin would open him, like a rose bending toward the sun – all with a touch, a smile, or glance. he coaxed donghyuck to believe, to hope, to love himself and taught donghyuck how to do the same things in return.
doubt only crept in when donghyuck realized he and jaemin were born in a world that was threatening to pull them apart.
“why haven’t your eyes changed though,” renjun says furiously hitting the buttons of donghyuck’s playstation controller. “like if you guys were meant to be… shouldn’t that mean that your eyes should have changed by now? especially since you’re together now.”
it’s not as if donghyuck hadn’t thought about this, as though it hadn’t eaten at him since the day that he first admitted to his feelings for jaemin and heard them back in return. however when he kissed jaemin’s lips, he knew he never wanted to kiss anyone else again as long as he lived. it didn’t matter if his or jaemin’s eyes hadn’t changed colors. at least, that’s what he told himself.
“all that soulmates bullshit,” donghyuck says leaning his body to tilt with the view of the video game on the screen. “what if my soulmate is a complete asshole? you’d rather have me spend my life with someone terrible than jaemin?”
renjun scoffs, not letting his eyes waver. “that’s not what i’m saying. i’m just wondering how you can’t wonder or feel like… i don’t know… never mind.”
donghyuck hits pause which causes renjun to groan but he doesn’t care. he turns to renjun, anger that lets conviction fall off his tongue. “no, say it.”
this is the last time anyone brings up soulmates in front of lee donghyuck.
--
weeks turn into months, months into years, and donghyuck’s hand is still wrapped firmly around jaemin’s. he’s since tried to push past the insecurity, though it was hard and sometimes – not that he would admit this, especially to jaemin – it still gnawed at him in the quiet of the most restless of nights. but it was almost as if he was transparent, jaemin could always sense when his mind was fleeting to dark places.
“i chose you, i choose you. i’ll never choose anyone else,” jaemin would tell him and it would cause donghyuck to keep a loving smile on his lips, leaning close to give jaemin a kiss that was always reserved to be so sweet and gentle. “i love you, lee donghyuck. that’s all that matters in this world.”
donghyuck believes jaemin would never lie to him and so, in light of their recent adulthood – they’re packing their things to move into what is quite possibly the smallest apartment in seoul. this was despite weeping mothers and awkward goodbyes to their fathers but more importantly because it would be so much more convenient to wake up next to jaemin in the same bed as he – a view he’s dreamed of his entire life.
but like always, donghyuck seems inclined to break even the sweetest of things, as if he breathed chaos with every inhale and exhale to his lungs.
“what are you thinking about?” jaemin asks looking through boxes labeled kitchen and shaking his head when he finds what should have been labeled bathroom instead. “you’re awfully quiet over there.”
donghyuck is looking through framed pictures, which’s purpose was originally to figure out where they should be hung. but instead he finds himself looking at pictures of he and jaemin, toddler arms hanging around each other and chubby cheeks smiling at the camera. he runs a finger over the dust that’s collected on the frame before looking up to shake his head and answer, “nothing. don’t worry about it.”
jaemin’s face displays a frown from the kitchen. “i know when you’re lying, haech,” he says walking over to sit next to him, pulling donghyuck in to kiss the top of his head.
“i just,” he says but then he pauses. “i don’t want to say it. it’s stupid.”
“just say it.”
“why doesn’t it bother you?” donghyuck says quickly, as though the words are too painful to keep on his tongue for too long.
“this again,” jaemin says huffing, letting his arm, which was around donghyuck, fall back onto his lap. “i don’t understand why you care so much. so what, so fucking what. why can’t you just… believe me when i say i don’t want anyone else but you? that i don’t care about eye colors or whether you are or aren’t my soulmate?”
“you could change your mind,” donghyuck says quietly, not making eye contact and letting his head hang. his finger is still touching the framed photo lightly.
jaemin’s hands move quickly, pulling donghyuck’s face close to him with palms on either side of his cheeks. he kisses him, hard and desperate, but donghyuck pulls back. he pushes jaemin away with a hand to his heart. jaemin’s eyes water but he doesn’t cry, he rarely does in front of others. donghyuck only watches painfully he gets up and walks to find his keys. “i give up,” is heard muttered under his breath as donghyuck’s lip starts to quiver and he feels himself start to cry. when the door slams, shaking the walls, he feels something in him break and crack.
--
“w..why the fuck am i so dumb?” donghyuck sobs into the phone, pressing it to his cheek while he lays on the couch in an apartment that’s purpose was to be shared.
“honey,” his mother says with a soft reassuring voice. “you’re just scared. it’s okay to be scared, it doesn’t mean you don’t love him. it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”
“but…” he says clutching the photo still.
“do you know how many people jaemin’s met in his lifetime? he’s always chosen you.”
they’re both silent as donghyuck takes a deep breath, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. “i love him,” he says lip still trembling. “i’ve always loved him, mom. how could we not be soulmates?”
“is that what this is about?”
“yeah,” he says caught in a whisper.
“you know your eyes were purple when you were born. the moment you saw jaemin, you smiled and i didn’t notice at first, but when we got home they were brown. i don’t know why i never told you. i guess, i thought you always knew.”
--
the sun is shining painfully through the windows, which were absent of curtains, and when donghyuck opens his eyes, still red and puffy, he groans. he looks up to see jaemin walking through the apartment, coming close to kneel beside the couch. he smiles, pushing donghyuck’s bangs out of his eyes before leaning to kiss his forehead. “hey,” he says before he takes the photo from donghyuck’s hands.
jaemin looks at donghyuck so lovingly and even through the years, donghyuck’s never gotten used to the way it makes him feel – sending fluttering butterflies to tickle his ribcage. “hey,” donghyuck says back.
jaemin’s fingers are still playing with donghyuck’s hair, letting it loop around his fingers and then fall gently between them. “are you okay?”
donghyuck nods. “i’m sorry, jaemin.”
jaemin shakes his head. “no, it’s really–”
“no, it’s not okay,” he says sitting up, leaning forward to pull jaemin up by his shirt to kiss him. it’s passion that he expresses and lets hang on jaemin’s lips. “i love you.”
jaemin smiles, looking into donghyuck’s eyes. “i know.”
“we’re forever.”
“and ever.”