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Theo shifts in the backseat of his truck, the blanket that covers his trembling body doing nothing to stop the shivers.
It’s been two weeks now and it feels like the ache in his chest is only getting worse.
**
It had taken them awhile to finally find the courage and kiss like they were craving all these weeks, maybe months. Another fight with hunters, more bullets and of course more blood, the rush of adrenaline running through their veins and matching grins on their faces, relieved that they both got out alive.
That’s all it had taken for Liam to crash their lips together and not even a second had passed before Theo was kissing him back, tongues delving into mouths and moving hungrily, trying to taste each other, hands roaming all over their bodies, both of them desperate to touch and be touched by the person they were longing for for far too long.
Lust and desire and love took over and soon they found themselves in the backseat of Theo’s car, bloody clothes hastily tossed at the front seat, limbs tangled together and naked bodies flush against one another, both of them sweaty and panting for breath.
A soft smile made its way to Liam’s flushed face, kind blue eyes looking at Theo with love and tenderness. Theo had never felt more loved before in his life than he did in that moment, had never felt like he mattered. Because that’s how Liam always looked at him. Like he could really see him, like Theo was all he wanted to look at, like Theo deserved the world and he was willing to give it to him.
Warmth spread over Theo’s body every time that Liam would look at him. The self-hatred and self-pity making room inside him for love, for Liam’s love that made him think that he was actually worth something and that he deserved the second chance that he was given. That Liam gave him.
**
Now all the warmth has left his body and his heart, leaving him alone to feel as the cold is being wrapped around him and making its way into his bones.
**
It all ended the way it had started.
The smell of gunpowder in the air along with the poisonous one of wolfsbane, the sound of bullets aimed at them echoing in the quiet woods. A werewolf and a chimera against just three hunters, there was no need to wait for backup, they had fought and won much worse.
Maybe that was their biggest mistake. Overconfidence that it would be an easy fight, nothing to worry about. One of the hunters was already on the ground only minutes later, and two against two felt like an easy task.
Theo heard his name being called and he turned fast towards the source of the voice, just not fast enough. He saw Liam throwing himself in front of him, a bullet that was meant for him finding the werewolf’s chest, making a pained growl leave his lips before he fell on the ground.
His animals snarled, shock and rage and sadness overwhelming him, and he ran to his Little Wolf, kneeling next to him and taking his body carefully into his arms.
He heard a car arriving and then he tuned everything around him out, his focus just on Liam, ignoring as the Sherriff and Parrish easily dealt with the already wounded hunters.
Liam’s heartbeat had already started to slow down, his breathing coming out in pained coughs as blood was filling his lungs.
Theo hadn’t even realised he was crying until he saw the drops falling onto Liam’s face, his mind a blur and his heart pounding fast like it wanted to get out of his chest. He had never felt more helpless in his life. He pressed his palm to the wound, even if deep inside him he knew it was pointless now, his other hand caressing Liam’s hair and face as he pleaded his Little Wolf to open his beautiful eyes, to stay with him, begging him selfishly to not leave him alone.
And because Liam always tried to make people happy, always making sure he helped however he could, always doing everything in his power to put a smile on Theo’s face, he slowly opened his eyes, the struggle and effort for such a simple movement obvious in his pained expression, and he looked at Theo for one last time, offering him that small soft smile that always managed to reassure and calm Theo, and even now he could see the love reflecting in Liam’s eyes, even if the words were never spoken.
“Close your eyes, Little Wolf, you’ve already done more than enough for me,” Theo whispered and placed a firm kiss on his forehead, trying hard to hold back and not start sobbing, just letting the tears fall silently. “You can let go, Liam. Thank you for everything.”
A soft nod was his answer before Liam’s heartbeat stopped, his expression peaceful like all the times he had fallen asleep in Theo’s arms, the only difference that this time Theo wouldn’t get to see sleepy dazed blue eyes looking at him when he would wake up.
**
He should have told him that he loves him, even though he’s sure that Liam knew it, like he knows that Liam loved him too. But now that he knows that he’ll never get the chance to say it he regrets it. He had almost said it so many times, but words that he doesn’t remember ever having left his mouth are not easy to be said, even if they were true in every possible way, even if he had never been more sure for something in his life.
Another sob escapes his lips and he curls his hands into fists, digging his blunt nails deep into his palm, trying pointlessly to focus his attention on the physical pain instead.
And he thought he knew pain. He's felt his heart getting ripped from his chest from his own sister a thousand times. He's felt the guilt for killing people that had trusted him, for taking the life of his sister, of his supposedly pack, of Scott. He's felt regret for using people for his own benefit, for manipulating them, like he had done to Liam.
He has felt the strong feeling of self-loath burning him from inside, the same thoughts replaying in his mind, about how he will never be worthy of anything good, how he will always be a failure, a murderer. He can wash his clothes and get rid of any stains, but his hands are still full of blood, and will always be.
He has felt pain, but he has felt love too. Most importantly he was lucky enough to feel how it is to love and be loved. How it is to feel happy even if deep inside him he knew he didn't deserve it. There's no way someone who had hurt so many people, who had manipulated and killed, deserved to be happy. There's no way he deserved someone so good and pure like Liam.
He remembers when he had gotten out of the ground, when Liam had freed him from Hell, guilt and shame and regret overwhelming him, making him almost nauseous after so many years of not feeling anything. But mostly what he couldn’t understand was the strong need he felt to protect and keep Liam safe, even if that meant risking his own life.
But soon he realised that he would do anything to protect his little blue eyed angel, because that’s how it had felt when he had freed him, like an angel gripping him tight and dragging him out of hell, out of his darkness, leaving invisible burning marks wherever he touched him.
The problem was that he wasn't supposed to feel things. He didn't even know he was able to. He was made to kill and destroy everything he touched. He remembers Scott saying that he's barely even human, and it was true. At least until he spent months in hell, having his heart ripped from his chest every hour of the day, until he crawled out of the ground and his eyes met his blue ones.
But he wasn't used to feeling anything and it wasn’t easy at first. Before that, his heart was safe in his chest, surrounded by ice, preventing him to feel a thing. And then came Liam. The blue eyed beta with the anger issues and a heart too big for his own good. And exactly like the sun melts the ice that's how it felt to have Liam close to him. Like sunshine washing over him and slowly melting the ice inside him. Slowly warming him and allowing his sister's heart to feel everything he hadn't felt in the last ten years, maybe even more.
And now that his feelings are choking him and make him struggle for air there are times that he misses the emptiness. At least back then it didn't hurt. But he knows that he would never change anything that happened with Liam. After all, he knows now that some people are worth melting for, and he would melt again and again without a second thought for his Sunshine.
If he’s being honest though, most of the time he finds comfort in the pain, a reassurance that he’s not going to forget Liam and that everything they went through together was real. That Liam was real. He wonders if this is how all people feel when they grieve, or if it’s just his damaged self, too fucked up to even process loss right.
He shifts again, aimlessly trying to get comfortable like he's going to fall asleep. He knows he probably won’t. He hasn't slept more than a couple of hours the night in two weeks.
He barely even eats anymore and he feels exhausted, like his body is pleading him to sleep and rest but his mind and the ache in his chest are keeping him awake.
Liam deserves to be grieved and remembered, and that's what he's going to do, not that he really has a choice. How can he forget the only person that he loved? The only person that showed him what kindness is?
He just hopes that Liam isn't disappointed in him. He knows that Liam would want him to be happy, to keep living his life. That’s how Liam is- was, he couldn’t stand seeing a person he cares about being sad. The memories bring a small smile on his face even if the tears don’t stop. Fuck, he misses him.
He remembers that one time when they had gotten home – another thing that Liam had given him the chance to have, to feel how it is to have a place to call home and feel safe – and they saw Jenna with red eyes and dry shed tears on her cheeks. A close friend of hers had passed away the night before, as she had informed them – because life hates good people – and then she had disappeared in her bedroom after of course reassuring them that she’s fine, giving them a small smile and a kiss on their forehead.
Liam wanted desperately to make his mom feel better so Theo had helped him make Jenna’s favorite pie. They had spent the afternoon in the kitchen, the scent of sadness emitting from Liam even if he smiled at Theo every time he would catch him looking at him. And so they made the pie and then organized a Merlin marathon, knowing that Jenna couldn’t resist either of them. She had even smiled when they had told her and they settled on the couch, eventually Jenna falling asleep, lying on the couch with her head on Liam’s lap as he was caressing his hair.
And he also remembers that time when Corey was away for a week and Liam decided that it would be Mason Week, as he had called it, and so they spent every afternoon with Mason because he was moping, watching all his favorite movies and trying to cheer him up.
So, Theo knows for sure that if Liam were there he would do anything to make him smile, like he did when Theo woke up sweaty and trembling from a nightmare.
Sometimes he would start telling him funny stories from when he was little, and Theo would laugh even if he didn’t even feel like smiling at the moment. Sometimes they would get up and play video games to distract Theo until he wants to go back to sleep. And sometimes Liam would just hold him in his arms, placing soft kisses on his hair and forehead, on his cheeks and lips, while whispering words of reassurance. Telling him that everything is okay, that he’s not alone anymore, that he’s not going to let anything or anyone hurt him.
But now he is alone and he doesn’t know how to move on, how to live without his Sunshine. After all, Liam was always the braver of the two, he was the one that gave Theo the strength to continue and to try. Now he’s gone and everything feels dark and empty, meaningless. He just hopes Liam understands. He doesn’t want him to be disappointed or mad at him.
He feels the pillow getting damp again, his hair getting wet and sticking to the back of his neck. He wonders if the human body can run out of tears. Judging by the continuous river of water and salt running down his cheeks he guesses the answer is no. Then again he's not human. Do chimeras run out of tears? Or they just weren't supposed to cry?
A shiver runs through his body, he doesn’t know whether it is from the cold or from all the crying, or maybe from the exhaustion, he doesn’t care anyway, he just pulls the blanket further up his body, knees curled up against his stomach and buries his head in the corner of the blanket. Liam’s blanket.
**
He didn’t know how much time had passed before the Sherriff convinced him to finally let them take Liam’s limp body from his arms. Numbness and emptiness followed, and him praying to a God he didn’t believe that this was just one of his nightmares.
He couldn’t find the courage to return home, to Jenna and to David, but he wanted wrap himself in Liam’s sheets, bury his face into his pillow and cry and fall asleep with his scent surrounding him. He was about to sneak in from the window when he saw Jenna curled up in Liam’s bed and hugging his pillow, eyes close and breathing steady so he left, knowing that she needed it- deserved it more than him.
He went, however, back five days after the funeral, sneaking into the house after making sure that Liam’s parents weren’t there, he still couldn't face them. He couldn’t look Jenna in the eyes knowing that she’s just another person that Theo had let down. He was supposed to protect Liam, to keep him safe and instead he let him die.
The whole house smelled like sadness and tears, the room that used to be full of life, now dark and empty, exactly how his heart felt like.
He took one of the blankets from his bed and Liam's favorite lacrosse hoodie, he wrote a note for Jenna – he might not have been able to face her but he at least owed her that much – saying: ‘Thank you for everything. I really loved him, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect him.’ and then he returned to his truck, driving and leaving Beacon Hills behind him.
**
The first week the scent was really strong and when he had his eyes close and he was breathing Liam's scent in he could imagine him being there with him, warmth radiating from the werewolf’s skin and warming Theo's cold heart and body. He could imagine soft gentle hands touching him and strong arms hugging him and making him feel safe like he had never felt in his life before Liam. If he tried hard enough he could even hear his voice, or the sound of his soft lips kissing his shoulder and neck.
And then he would open his eyes and everything would be gone. Because Liam’s not there and he's not coming back, either.
Now, two weeks later his tears have washed Liam's scent away and he misses it. He misses him. He considers going back to Beacon Hills, to his house, just to take another blanket, another hoodie, anything that’s his. He knows that Liam’s gone but he can't deal with him fading away.
He brings his the material closer to his nose and inhales deeply, catching the light last remaining scent and can't stop the sob from escaping his lips, not that he even has the strength to try.
His tired eyes close but his mind doesn't want to stay quiet. It’s the same every night.
It keeps reminding him of what he had and he doesn’t have anymore. Of the only happiness he’s ever known and he now lost, because he couldn’t save him.
The one person he remembers loving in his life and he died, because he wasn’t strong or fast enough to protect him.
The Dread Doctors weren’t wrong after all, he was and is a failure. He wasn’t good enough to be bad, what made him think he was good enough to actually be good, to be worthy of someone like Liam?
He lets out a frustrated growl and the next moment his fist is landing with force against the door of the truck, hitting the steel again and again and feeling it bend against his fist. He continues until his knuckles start bleeding and the blood runs down his wrist, red drops falling on the backseat and the white pillowcase. He welcomes the pain for just a few seonds and he growls again when he feels the wounded skin slowly starting to heal.
What the fuck made Liam think he was worth saving? What made Liam’s fucking stupid kind heart think that he could just sacrifice his life for someone like him? Theo was already living on borrowed time anyway, if one of the two had been to die it should have been him.
Another growl and then he’s sobbing again, squeezing his eyes close as the tears run down his cheeks, guilt eating him up.
Liam had a family and friends that cared about him and now they miss him. If it had been him instead it would be easier for everyone. No mother would be missing her child, no teenager would want his best friend back and no pack would be broken from losing their baby beta. Theo doesn’t have any people to care about him. It would be fine.
Expect for Liam of course. He knows that his Little Wolf would miss him if it had been him, but he would be able to move on eventually. Liam was strong, he fought and won, he didn’t give up.
Theo opens his eyes again, puffy and burning at the light of the moon that slips in the car. The ache in his chest is making his heart feel even heavier and breathing doesn’t come so easily. His throat feels too dry when he tries to swallow and he inhales deeply in an attempt to get more oxygen, even if it doesn’t feel like It’s worth the effort. Sometimes it’s like he’s actually drowning, his lungs seeking oxygen and making him fight to breathe.
He's sure by now that he wouldn't mind if he actually stopped breathing. People need sun to survive and Theo's Sun was gone, so what’s the point really? But he's too much of a coward to do it himself. He knows where he's going to end up when he dies and there's no way he'll see Liam there.
His broken heart might hurt more now than it did when he was in hell but he's not ready to leave the last of Liam yet. Even if that's just a two weeks worn hoodie and a blanket damp from tears, and memories that leave a bittersweet taste on his tongue and form a tight grip around his heart.
He finally feels his mind giving up, exhaustion taking over. Maybe tonight he’ll sleep more than a couple of hours. Maybe if he’s lucky enough he will even dream blue eyes and soft lips, gentle hands and warm touches.
Maybe tomorrow it won’t hurt so bad.