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Sooyoung could vaguely remember how the first petals came about.
They were at a house party, one thrown by Haseul when her parents had left town for the weekend. Everyone was some kind of tipsy and the music was loud enough to drown out the thoughts in her head. But it was too much, too loud and too obnoxious for Sooyoung.
She climbed the stairs to the second floor and made her way to the bathroom, locking it as she sat down on the toilet with a sigh. She rubbed at her temple gently, trying to stow away the migraine that had been building up all night. Despite the still loud pulse of the music from outside the door she heard a small sniffle come from behind the shower curtain. She frowned and slowly shoved the curtain aside, her eyes widening as her gaze rested on Jinsoul sitting in the bathtub hugging her legs to her chest.
"Jinsoul? What are you doing here?" Sooyoung quickly stepped inside with her and sat down. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her nose and cheeks also tinged with the same shade.
Jinsoul wiped her nose with her sleeve and took a ragged breath, "I just needed a quiet place to be by myself. Haseul's room was locked, so I came here."
"But, why?" Sooyoung furrowed her brows, "What's wrong?"
A silent spell fell between them, only the sound of cheers downstairs and music filling the air until Jinsoul finally spoke up.
"Jungeun broke up with me."
Sooyoung felt her chest tighten at the sound of Jinsoul's wavering voice. She leaned forward and wrapped her in a hug, rubbing the back of her head as Jinsoul let out a sob into her shoulder.
"Hey, breathe. It's okay," she tried to comfort her, slightly cramping in the small space of the bathtub. "Look at me," she said softly.
Jinsoul pulled away slowly, wiping away the tears on her cheeks as she met Sooyoung's eyes.
"Do you want to go somewhere else? Someplace quiet?" Jinsoul nodded, exhausted from crying and wanting nothing more than to be somewhere, anywhere else but at this party.
Sooyoung took her hand and squeezed it softly. "Follow me, we're gonna leave." She stepped out of the shower and helped Jinsoul up.
"But won't the other notice if we're gone?" Jinsoul said.
"They're all too drunk to care right now, I promise they won't mind," Sooyoung smiled. Jinsoul let out a reluctant sigh and followed her down the stairs and out the door without another word.
Sooyoung spent the rest of the night with Jinsoul, laying down on a park bench somewhere and looking up at the night sky as they talked to each other. Even when the conversation fell into a lull, the silence there was comfortable.
That night, Sooyoung learned Jungeun left Jinsoul for Haseul. Jinsoul already saw it coming but it still didn't make it hurt any less when Jungeun said she didn't feel the same for her anymore.
She took Jinsoul's hand and gave it reassuring squeeze as she vented to her, wiping away the tear stains on her cheek with her sleeve.
"I'm glad she won't be hurting anymore, I guess," Jinsoul said.
"What do you mean?" Sooyoung glanced at her curiously.
"You know hanahaki disease? She was choking on petals as she told me. It must have been killing her to hide her feelings this whole time," she sighed. Sooyoung stayed quiet. She knew of the disease, never had she seen it affect someone she knew, but she was familiar with the effects.
To die slowly on the inside from hidden feelings, how horrible, she shuddered.
Jinsoul kept quiet next to her, her eyes glistening under the star filled sky. Sooyoung stared at her, taking in every detail of her face as if she was under her spell and couldn’t help but admire her features up close. Jinsoul glanced at her, their eyes locking for a moment until she broke out into a smile. “Admiring the view?” she giggled.
“Something like that,” she said as she linked their hands together.
Later, as Sooyoung tossed and turned in bed, an itch formed in her throat. She sat up, trying to cough out whatever was making her throat hurt and nearly gagged as a handful of petals fell from her mouth.
She let out a shaky breath, staring wide eyed at the purple petals that had been tormenting her from the inside. She turned on her bedside lamp, squinting at their markings and pulled out her phone. After a minute of searching she realized what they meant.
Purple lilac… first love.
She brushed them off her blanket and layed back down, her eyes wide open as a deep sense of dread settled in the pit of her stomach.
It was unexpected by everyone to see how close Jinsoul and Sooyoung had gotten since that party a year ago. Jungeun and Haseul were still together but Jinsoul was on good terms with both of them now. Everything was normal, everyone was happy. Or so that's what she told herself.
"Sooyoung, you look a little pale," Jinsoul frowned as she pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. Sooyoung gently swatted it away with a nervous laugh.
"I'm okay, I just feel a bit nauseous," she lied. Well, it wasn't a complete lie. The familiar wave of nausea from the petals building up within her was hitting her, but she couldn't let it show. Every time Jinsoul made her heart flutter she felt them crawling up her throat and settling on her tongue, making it hard to talk.
"If you say so," Jinsoul shrugged. "Here I need your help, which color?" she held up her phone, displaying a picture of long blue silk dress then swiping right to display a red one. Sooyoung squinted, her vision becoming slightly hazy as she tried to focus.
"Blue," she coughed into her elbow, praying Jinsoul wouldn't see the petals. "You always look pretty in blue," she said. Jinsoul smiled in delight, then focused her attention back to her phone.
"I'm so excited for prom, aren't you?" she bit her lip as she scrolled up and down her screen. Sooyoung tried to speak but only tasted petals as she opened her mouth. An overwhelming wave of nausea hit her as she stood up and rushed to the bathroom, bright yellow petals scattered across the floor as she hunched over the toilet.
She heaved, struggling to force out whatever was climbing up her throat and feeling blood begin to coat the back of her mouth. A relieved gasp escaped her lips as she finally managed to pull out a whole sunflower from her mouth. She instantly recognized what this meant.
Sunflower... adoration.
Frantically, she picked up the petals that fell on the tile and shoved them into the trash. Jinsoul's voice came from outside the bathroom door.
"Sooyoungie, are you okay? Do you need help?" she knocked lightly. Sooyoung's voice felt raw as she said no and flushed. She stood up slowly, leaning against the wall for support and let out a deep breath. Looking in the mirror, she winced at the blood on her lips and quickly rinsed her face. She knew she couldn't last much longer like this and that time was ticking. Any day now the garden in her chest was bound to take over.
She opened the door to Jinsoul leaning forward with an ear pressed against it. She stepped back slightly, her eyes scanning Sooyoung up and down in a frenzy. "You sounded really sick in there, are you sure you're okay?" she furrowed her brows. Sooyoung nodded, forcing a smile to reassure her.
"It's nothing serious, I promise," she smiled, "But I think I might go home." She coughed into her hand, balling them into fists when she saw petals in them. Jinsoul stared at her for a moment, doubt evident in her eyes then nodded slowly.
"Okay, I hope you feel better," she rested her hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
Another flutter in Sooyoung's heart, another petal crawling up her throat. She said nothing else as she left and Jinsoul said nothing about the flower petal stuck in Sooyoung's tooth.
Coughing up whole flowers wasn't uncommon for Sooyoung. They had come up once every few months but never, never twice in one week. The sudden change made her panic. How bad were her lungs? How long did she have left?
Am I really going to need the surgery?
She sagged on the bathroom floor, not caring about being late to class because what did it matter in the long run if she was truly dying?
A petal fluttered her way, pink and innocent yet practically mocking her as it lied there lifeless on the tile. So peaceful as if hundreds of them weren't clustering in her lungs and killing her from the inside. It was getting harder to breathe each day, every second spent in Jinsoul's presence made it worse but she couldn't spend a single day without seeing her smile at least once.
Rushed footsteps entered the bathroom, black shoes scurrying into the stall next to her and the sounds of coughing echoing off the walls.
Another victim.
More petals scattered around the floor, drops of blood accompanying them along with the smell of jasmine. A ragged gasp filled the silence as the girl finished and flushed. "Oh no," she said, her voice oddly familiar.
"Chaewon?" Sooyoung blurted, suddenly recognizing her high pitched tone.
"Huh? Who's that?" she asked nervously.
"It's Sooyoung," she waved her hand from under the stall. Chaewon let out a sigh and sagged to the floor right next her, only the stall separating them.
"I guess you heard all that," she said, her voice lower that usual.
"I won't tell. I'm here for the same reason."
Silence followed, only the sound of their uneven breathing filling the atmosphere.
"How long?" she whispered.
"A year."
A gasp erupted from Chaewon's stall. "Sooyoung, the longest a person can go is a year until they start needing medical treatment. How are you still even breathing?" her voice wavered.
Sooyoung swallowed roughly, "I really don't know, Chaewon, but I don't have much longer."
"You're gonna tell that person right? You can't die!" her voice began to grow louder.
"Relax, I'm figuring it out, I promise," she sighed, leaning her head against the wall and letting her eyes slip closed. "What about you? How long?" she said.
"Just a month," she whispered softly, "It's hard to hide."
Sooyoung barked out a laugh, "You're telling me. Who is it?"
"Hyejoo."
A low whistle slipped past her lips. "Trust me, Chaewon. Your feelings are reciprocated."
"What? How do you know that?"
"The way Hyejoo rests her head on your shoulder when she's tired tells me and everyone else enough," she coughed.
Chaewon's giggle echoed in the restroom, "Do you really think I have a chance?"
"Of course."
"What about you? Who have you been hurting over for this long?"
"Jinsoul," her name rolled off her tongue like a flower petal.
"Jinsoul?" Chaewon gasped, "She's been coughing up petals too."
At this, Sooyoung faltered. "What? What are you talking about?" she said.
Chaewon brought her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. "Last week I walked in on Jinsoul spitting petals from her mouth into the sink. She didn't say a word to me when I walked in," she sniffed, "Maybe it's because of you, Sooyoung."
A familiar itch began to spread in the back of her throat as her heart raced. She doubled over, clutching her stomach as a holly flew out her mouth. She stared at it as it hit the floor.
Holly… hope.
"Sooyoung, do you know what jasmine flowers mean?" Chaewon's voice cut in.
"Sweet love," she smiled.
"Oh."
A day later Sooyoung spotted Chaewon and Hyejoo walking to class holding hands, smiling with an obvious blush on both their faces. Sooyoung smiled to herself, relieved that at least they got their happy ending.
A familiar head of blonde hair came into view and Sooyoung already felt flowers blooming in her chest along with dread.
"Sooyoungie!" Jinsoul shouted, running towards her and wrapping her arms around her. "I've been so worried, you didn't come to class yesterday and haven't been replying to my texts," she pulled away, a frown etched into her features.
Sooyoung frantically tried to unwrap herself from Jinsoul's grip, afraid of coughing up a rose just from her touch. "I'm sorry," she said, "I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"I know, I know. I just really miss you," she smiled and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Sooyoung's heart ached at her words. She knew keeping a distance was hard on her and Jinsoul but at this point it was the only thing keeping her alive. She stared at her, barely noticing the bags under her wide brown eyes and frowned. Jinsoul's normally flushed cheeks were pale as well. Maybe Chaewon was telling the truth and Jinsoul was struggling with hanahaki too.
She glanced over Jinsoul's shoulder to Hyejoo and Chaewon and noticed the two were watching them intently. Chaewon gave her a thumbs up and an eager smile that made Sooyoung want to bury her head in hands.
"Can we meet up later? I have something I want to talk about," Sooyoung said. Jinsoul tilted her head slightly then nodded.
"Of course, where do you want to meet?"
"Remember the park we went to during that one party at Haseul's?"
A smile spread across Jinsoul's face. "Of course I do. That was when I started getting close to you," she pushed Sooyoung's shoulder gently. "Remembering that night makes me glad Jungeun broke up with me," she laughed.
Sooyoung felt her face heat up at Jinsoul's words. "I don't know if it's appropriate to say I am too," she snorted. Jinsoul giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. Sooyoung felt warmth surge within her chest at the sight of Jinsoul laughing, the way her eyes crinkled made her almost forget there was a whole garden in her lungs.
"Okay, I'll see you after school."
It was safe to say Sooyoung definitely didn't count on passing out in the middle of the hall after coughing up a whole bouquet of roses.
All she could remember before her eyes slipped shut was red petals, the metallic taste of blood and Jinsoul's wide eyes staring into hers as her soft hands cupped her face.
When she awoke, bright fluorescent light blinded her. She hissed, immediately shut them and took a ragged breath. Her lungs felt full, cluttered and heavy. She opened her eyes again and slowly looked around, taking in the sterile environment and sighing as she realized she was in a hospital. Footsteps approached and long blonde hair came into Sooyoung’s view, causing a deep pang in her chest.
Jinsoul’s brows were furrowed deeply, her eyes glazed over with unshed tears as they stared at each other in silence. Sooyoung was the first to break away from her gaze and fixed her eyes on the ceiling, unable to find the words to explain everything to her. Her secret had fallen apart now and there was nothing else left to do other than finally confess.
Sitting down on the chair next to her, Jinsoul took a deep breath. “How long Sooyoung? Why didn’t you tell me?” her voice wavered.
Sooyoung shut her eyes, hating how much this must have been hurting Jinsoul and that she was the one who was causing that pain. “I didn’t mean to keep it hidden for so long, I thought it’d go away eventually,” she admitted a half truth.
“Sooyoung…” she huffed and wiped a tear from her cheek, “Why would you put yourself through this?”
A cough racked through her body, the inevitable petal falling from her lips as she clutched her chest. “Why don’t you tell me, Jinsoul?” she rasped. Jinsoul’s eyes widened slightly at the question.
“What do you mean?”
“Chaewon told me she saw you coughing up petals too. It’s what I wanted to talk about before I… passed out,” she cleared her throat. A heavy silence fell over the room, only the occasional beeping of machines and the buzz of the lights filling the air. A sigh left Jinsoul’s lips as she ran a hand over her face.
“I guess we’ve both been hiding things, I’ll admit that,” she said, lazily playing with a strand of her hair. “I promise I’m okay and that I’m trying to tell them how I feel,” she glanced at her warily.
Sooyoung swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. She needed to know now, before anything else, before the petals and stems took over her lungs and finished her off for good.
“Who is it?”
Jinsoul stilled in her seat, staring hard at the floor and balling her fists. “You tell me first,” she whispered. Sooyoung clutched the sheets of her bed in frustration.
“I don’t know if I can,” she bit the inside of her cheek, watching as Jinsoul fidgeted in her chair. It was sitting there, the confession, right on the tip of her tongue. If this was the end of line and she really didn’t have much time left, exactly what did she have to lose? The chance of someone as beautiful and bright as Jinsoul loving her back was slim to none, but she’d rather die with these unrequited feelings and the memories of her smile than to forget them altogether. Any and all moments Sooyoung spent in her presence was worth the blood and petals, she’s realized Jinsoul was worth dying over.
Sooyoung sat up in her bed and reached for her hand. She brushed a thumb over the back of it and willed Jinsoul to look into her eyes. “Do you remember the night of Haseul’s party? How upset you were and how we ended up in some park, talking about anything and everything and staring at stars?”
Jinsoul smiled slightly and held on firmly to Sooyoung’s hand. “I remember every detail,” she said softly, “that night is special to me. You’re special to me.” Sooyoung clenched her jaw, wishing the words brought more comfort than pain to her heart.
“We talked for hours, I’m pretty sure we stayed out past curfew without realizing it,” she let out a short laugh then winced in pain. Jinsoul squeezed her hand in comfort.
“Why do you mention it?” she asked.
“Because that’s when I fell in love with you,” the words left her mouth before she could think. “You looked so pretty when you were lying next to me on that stupid bench and I didn’t realize it until later when I got home, but I was so captivated by you and that moment it gave me butterflies in my stomach and petals in my throat,” she clenched her eyes shut, feeling the tears well up as she finally poured out everything. She couldn’t bare looking at Jinsoul’s face or fathom the inevitable rejection that was coming. She expected a weight to lift off her shoulders but the confession only brought a heavy sense of dread. Steeling herself for the rejection, she let go of Jinsoul’s hand.
“I love you too.”
Sooyoung’s eyes shot open.
What?
“What?” she blurted out, heart racing as she stared at Jinsoul.
“I said I love you too,” she brought a hand to Sooyoung’s face and pulled her close, sealing their distance with a kiss to the lips. It was only a second that passed but an eternity in her mind as Jinsoul pulled away with a shaky breath. Sooyoung was dumbfounded, staring wide eyed and silent at Jinsoul before gasping as a violent cough racked through her body. She doubled over, clutching at her stomach as a stem peered out her mouth. She pulled it out quickly and blinked profusely at the unfamiliar flower that came out of her.
A gasp from Jinsoul drew back her attention. “Do you know what this flower means?” Sooyoung looked at her nervously.
A smile tugged at the edges of her mouth as she replied, “Tulips are for declarations of love.”
There, in that moment, a weight finally lifted off her shoulders. As if she had never had hanahaki, she felt her lungs clear of flowers and sagged in relief, eyes welling up with tears as Jinsoul slipped her hand into hers.
“I can’t believe you were hiding it for this long,” Jinsoul’s voice cracked as she sniffled. “I should’ve confessed sooner, I didn’t know you were in so much pain.” Sooyoung looked up at her and quickly shook her head.
“Don’t blame yourself, please,” she pulled her into a hug. “I know you were hurting too, you idiot.”
“You’re the idiot. I’ve been hitting on you for months and you didn’t notice once ,” Jinsoul mumbled into her shoulder and Sooyoung stifled a laugh.
“I love you,” Sooyoung said, a different kind of feeling blooming in her chest as the words rolled off her tongue. This was real, their love was real. Jinsoul was in her arms and the garden festering in her lungs was gone. She wasn’t dying, she didn’t need surgery anymore and she just kissed Jinsoul.
I kissed Jinsoul.
Sooyoung slowly pulled away and brushed a few strands from Jinsoul’s face, tucking one behind her ear. “You mind if we redo our first kiss? I think me vomiting a whole tulip right after kind of ruined it.”
A blush colored Jinsoul’s cheeks as she giggled. “Of course, I love you too, Sooyoungie,” she whispered as she leaned forward, their noses brushing slightly before their lips met and a soft sigh slipped out of Sooyoung. It was sweeter than any flower could possibly be, the way her lips fit perfectly against Sooyoung’s and her eyes fluttered closed in bliss.
As Jinsoul tried to deepen the kiss, Sooyoung felt something odd on her lip and hesitantly pulled away. Jinsoul pouted, obviously about to complain until Sooyoung peeled off a petal from her lip. “I think this belongs to you,” she tossed it at Jinsoul with a laugh. Jinsoul groaned in embarrassment as it landed on her leg.
“If you ever gift me flowers, I’m going to break up with you.”
“Oh? We’re dating now?”
“Can you shut up and kiss me again?”