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Your name is Dirk Strider and you feel like running. Just getting up and running, as far away as you possibly can; as far as your legs will carry you and then a mile past that. That’s not an option of course, because you know that running away doesn’t solve anything and it wouldn’t help at this point anyway. So rather, you wish you’d run away when you first met him instead, so that you wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. As much as you care for him, you can’t handle what he’s asking of you, not this soon. But you don’t know how to communicate that without worrying that you’re going to be breaking his heart or hurting him in some way. You don’t want to offend Jake, but you also really aren’t ready for this.
Let’s rewind and explain.
Your name is Dirk Strider and you’ve been exclusively dating one charming, charismatic Jake English for about four months now. Things have been going great, fantastic even. He’s always very attentive and very interested in you, despite you not seeing a single reason for him to be. He makes you feel safe and cared for and for once in your life, it doesn’t feel like someone’s around you because you convinced them they should be. In fact you’ve told Jake time and time again that he’s more than welcome to leave you anytime he sees fit. And every time that bastard comes back at you with something along the lines of “do you really think I’d be here if I didn’t want to be?” which only solidifies your confusion as to what he actually sees in you.
The relationship was moving along just fine.
You’d been on a few dates, most of which were just dinner, coffee, or long walks and rambling conversations. He even took you to a museum once, which was honestly one of the best days you’ve spent with him. The two of you have also been steadily warming up to getting each other to bed. You’ve had him inside you maybe twice and the rest has been mostly hands and mouths. Not that you’re complaining. You’ve certainly enjoyed everything thus far and would absolutely love to continue on that path.
At first it was almost alarming to you just how eager Jake was to get to know you and spend time with you. Now you’re a little more used to it, but it can still feel like a splash of water to the face (in a good way) when he practically runs up to you when you meet. A few times he’s even wrapped you up in a hug and spun you around, much to your embarrassment. It’s endearing how much the phrase “puppy love” sums him up pretty well.
It’s also a little bit terrifying if you’re being completely honest.
This leads us to the present moment.
You’re at Jake’s apartment. He’s made you a home cooked dinner. Candlelit. It’s very nice, soft, sweet, and romantic. You’d figured the set up was all just a ruse to wine and dine you and get you to bed. You certainly wouldn’t have minded that one bit and you know him to be a gentleman so of course he’d want to make things nice before plowing you into the mattress.
That was apparently not the intention however.
You find this out as you’re lifting a bite of some very delicious filet mignon to your lips. He clears his throat just before you open your mouth and you furrow your brow and squint just a little at him.
“Yes?” You ask, mildly amused. For a brief second you wonder if he’s about to ask to feed you. Or maybe ask to forgo dinner altogether and just sweep you off your feet.
“I’ve erm... I’ve been hoping to ask you something and I do hope you don’t think me too forward when I do.”
“Alright.” Your suspicions appear to be confirmed, you think. “Shoot.” You pop the bite of steak in your mouth anyway and start to chew on it as you wait for him to continue.
“Well … I’ve been wondering if you’d like to consider staying here, with me, long term.”
“You mean like a sleepover?” You ask, trying to talk around your food and not be completely impolite.
“Ah. Not quite. I was thinking more along the lines of, moving all your things over and just... staying with me. Indefinitely?”
You choke on your steak as you go to swallow it, because holy shit you were not prepared for that at all.
“I mean, it doesn’t have to be indefinitely, we can move of course, or if things don’t work out then you don’t have to stay. I’m not trying to be presumptuous that I have you under lock and key or anything of the sort.” He backpedals.
You wonder how in the hell he thinks that’s the part that has you coughing and tearing up from the strain of trying not to let beef get into your lungs.
You attempt to think about this a moment longer but your fight or flight has been set off and you absolutely want to run. You want to stand up, exit his front door, dash down the stairs and go be anywhere but here. It’s true that things were going great, but if he’s this sold on you already then something must be wrong. He must be delusional.
Maybe you’ve put him under some kind of bullshit spell, like something out of one of the many ridiculous movies that he loves to watch so much. You absolutely cannot see a reason why he would want to live with you unless one or both of you had totally lost their minds. If it’s him then you need to get out for your own sake, and if it’s you then you need to spare him and break it off before it gets worse.
After a few solid minutes of you choking and Jake trying to right his statement and then ask if you’re alright, you manage to get your breathing back to normal. Or as normal as it can be when you’re still on the verge of a panic attack.
You pin him in his seat with a look.
“Are you crazy?” You ask, almost incredulously.
“What do you mean?” He seems honest to god confused. That sends your brain into a frenzy, picking things apart and analyzing them, trying to figure out just where he’s at and what you did to make him get to that point.
“You’re really asking me to move in with you? Me?”
“Well there isn’t any other fellow here that I’m involved with, is there? Who else could I be talking to? Dirk, are you quite alright?” He furrows his brow at you now.
“Are you alright!?!” You nearly yell it and his expression turns to an outright frown. You push your chair back from the table because there are just too many things close to you at the moment, you need some space.
“Dirk, what’s wrong? You can say no if you really don’t want to. It was a mere suggestion, love.” Jake’s voice is calm and you can see the hurt on his face from your actions but you really cannot find anything to ground yourself to in order to calm down at the moment.
“It’s not just the suggestion, Jake. It’s all that it implies. We’ve only been together for a few fucking months. And I’ve already got you so wrapped up in me that you’re asking me to move in? That’s a bad sign. That’s a really bad sign! Jesus fucking christ.” You get up and start pacing because you can’t stand sitting at the moment and you really just need to be moving somehow, nervous ticks have nothing on you in moments like this.
You’re practically shaking and you can’t bring yourself to say anything else. Jake seems to notice because he gets up from the table and stands near. He doesn’t stop you from pacing. He doesn’t touch you. He just gets closer in a way that you know means he’ll be there when you’re ready for him.
He does, however, speak up again.
“Dirk Strider. I am not wrapped around your finger like some pretty little thing to be shown off. Do I seem to you like the kind of fellow to let others dictate my opinions for me?”
You falter in step and glance at him, huffing out a soft “no”.
“Alright, so what has you thinking that I’d ask you such a thing because you somehow planted it in my head?” It’s probably a rhetorical and you let it be that way, mainly because you don’t want to open your mouth again and say more hurtful shit. Jake continues on. “I was asking because I thought things were going well and I genuinely would like to be around you more, regardless of the amount of time we’ve spent together. It’s about time quality over quantity, is it not?”
“I guess you’re right.” You mumble, but you’re not happy about him being right for some reason. As nice as it is to have your fears quelled, you aren’t sure you’re ready to hear what he has to say. There’s a part of you that wants to stay mad for a while, that doesn’t want him to soothe you so easily.
You’re not sure what you are and aren’t ready for though, honestly. You do feel sort of eager to leave still, but you just can’t bring yourself to do that because: one it would be rude, and two you do care a lot about Jake and don’t want to hurt him more than you already have tonight.
“You don’t have to say yes just because I’ve asked you. If you need time, then I can be plenty patient.” He assures you, stepping a little closer. You didn’t even realize you’d stopped pacing. You just sort of stand there and look up at him, feeling very small but also a little more at ease. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? And I’m not trying to chase you away either. I promise.” He opens his arms to you and before you can even think you’re leaning into his embrace and letting him swaddle you up.
Maybe it’s you that’s in too deep here. You’re not used to just letting people help you and take care of you and calm you down. In fact, all of these methods of handling your emotions are very foreign to you, since you’re used to just being alone and putting up with it. Normally you’d just cry out your panic attack until your lungs ached from wheezing and your eyes stung and you were exhausted enough to sleep.
But in Jake’s arms, with his hands running up and down your back soothingly, you feel like this might be better? You aren’t certain, but there’s this ache in your chest like it’s something you’ve been needing but couldn’t find or have. Also you haven’t cried and that feels the weirdest of all so far, you almost want to but it’s not something you need at the moment so you don’t.
“How do you always do this?” You whisper to him.
“Do what?” You can hear the warmth in his voice and it vibrates through you as you rest your head on his chest.
“Placate me like this, make everything fine even when it feels like it’s crashing down.” Your voice is still very soft and your head feels just the tiniest bit cloudy because you’re aware that you wouldn’t normally say something so open and personal. You feel like you’re being compelled by some other force to be open, but you’re aware that it really is your own decision and you can’t say anything that you don’t want to say.
“I suppose it just comes naturally. I’m not really sure what to tell you, plum. I just speak from the heart and it seems to have worked thus far.” He smiles and you can feel it in the way his muscles shift, because your head is still firmly planted against his collarbone and you don’t plan on moving for a while.
“Sorry.” You mutter.
“Don’t apologize. You’re right. I should have waited a little longer. Perhaps I was being too brash.” He admits and suddenly you feel even more guilty. You don’t want to make him second guess his own wants and needs.
“No. If you felt the timing was right then it was, for you. I just... Jake. I can’t move as fast as you and I want to keep up, but I can feel myself hesitating and I can’t figure out why.”
“Sounds to me like you’re afraid. And I know you’ve been burned before so I can understand why. But it’s okay, peach, I’m more than happy to wait for you.” He assures you as he starts to pet your hair. Normally you’d protest about that, but the way it calms you is outweighing your desire to look presentable at all times. He pecks your forehead and the ache in your chest only tugs harder, making you wish you hadn’t ruined this whole afternoon.
You almost wish you could rewind it, but knowing you, you’d react the same way no matter how many chances you got to do the scene over.
“How about this, we talk about what we’re ready for every now and then and only take a step forward when we’ve come to an agreement, yeah?”
You nod your head against him and you can hear his heartbeat as it lulls you back to a more stable sense of mind.
He chuckles a little and you can’t help but glance up at him a little. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. You’re just so gosh darned sweet sometimes.”
“How?” You furrow your eyebrows at him for the second time this evening and he just keeps smiling at you.
“You constantly worry about the health of our relationship as if it’s in jeopardy and I think it’s sweet that you want to monitor it and make sure it’s going well. As if you’re not equally a part of it, but a third party watching it happen. Dirk, you’re doing just fine and I’m incredibly happy to have you.” He gives you this look and you can’t even describe it but it makes your chest flutter and also makes you wish you weren’t standing because gosh your legs are not cooperative and sort of weak.
As if he can fucking read your mind, Jake scoops you up bridal style and you hook your arms around his neck. “How about we go lay down for a tick and just canoodle awhile, maybe return to dinner later? Or get some dessert after?”
“Yeah. I… I think I’d like that.”
He leans in to peck your lips and you happily kiss him back, threading your fingers into his hair a little and holding him there. That’s when the rest of your tension leaves your body. Because when he’s kissing you, how could anything be majorly wrong? Jake’s got you and you’ve got him and that’s what matters.