Chapter Text
The observatory offered no escape.
Kel imagined the height of the building would lift them closer to space, far from the ground, farther from the horrors underneath it, and into the night sky. They hoped to get lost there, but found again with Millicent as their tether to reality. They thought it would be safe.
But it was crowded and loud. Kel was hyper aware of the slight movements of the throng of people surrounding them. Every sudden escalation in the lilt of eavesdropped conversations jolted their nerves awake. Kel familiarized themselves with all routes of escape upon entering the room and was acutely aware of the probability of failure in attempting to abscond should the need arise. If disaster were to ensue, an event not out of the question given their growing status as heroes and by extension: targets for villains, the doorway would be quickly blocked by the masses if they weren't trampled getting there first, and the windows were thick enough to break bones upon impact which would be a risk of little consequence if the fall from this height would not guarantee death as it most certainly did. This was supposed to be a romantic outing with the one they tentatively chose as their partner, but Kel panicked. The stars were blurry, the night was dauntingly endless and dark, and the building was a snare.
Millicent must have noticed the hitch in Kel's breath because she grabbed their hand and circled her thumb across the bandages there. It would have been soothing if Kel hadn't been so ashamed for losing themselves to irrational fears. Not to mention the feeling of the bandages blocking Millicent's touch ignited Kel's dysphoria. They squeezed Millicent's hand, unable to find the words of gratitude for her simple gesture of concern. They smiled weakly. Millicent shook her head, reading Kel like a book.
"Hey." Her voice was soft and low and yet Kel could hear her clearly above the cacophony of the crowd and in their head. "Let's get out of here."
Their exit, though inconspicuous, did not go without notice from the perceptive eyes of the rest of their party. Dragomir, Avarice, Immeral, and Tal joined them and continued the evening's festivities at The Bloody Champion. The rest of the night was a blur. They said Kel needed to "take it easy," so they drank. Kel still didn't feel relaxed, so they drank more. They gave up on drinking and exhumed the drugs from the locked box strapped to their waist belts. It wasn't hard enough, so they took Millicent's suggestion and sampled the suude they conned off that bastard from Turstfields. The party chastised them, so Kel returned to alcohol with spite. Millicent decided that was enough and pulled Kel outside for some fresh air and a walk under the stars.
Kel did more stumbling than walking. Millicent was a great deal shorter, but did what she could to steady her balance-challenged partner. Strangers eyed them on the street. Some of the stares were full of concern, some of ridicule. Other prying eyes were lascivious and threatening. Millicent spat at those strangers' feet and dragged Kel outside the walls of the town and into the forest. She followed the trail that lead to the serene alcove where they had their first date.
The moon shone resplendently, painting light over foliage and branches and dipping its reflection into the pond at the center of the clearing. The forest was alive with crickets singing and small animals scampering through the brush, but the air was still and peaceful. Millicent idly admired the scene. She was not particularly fond of most things, but she felt safe here, away from the crowds, surrounded by all of night's beauty.
Kel's world was not as peaceful or beautiful. They staggered to the nearest tree and used their arm as a buffer to rest their pounding head on. Everything spun wildly, even with their eyes closed. Distortion and nausea plagued them, and it wasn't before long until their insides quickly became their outsides. Kel vomited and collapsed to the dirt, bark lightly scuffing their new leather coat as they fell. Millicent found solace on a nearby rock and waited patiently for Kel's storm to pass. They coughed and sniffled and mumbled something incoherent.
"Repeat." Millicent requested.
Kel grunted as they pushed themselves to sit up with their back against the tree, not meeting eyes with the girl in all black beside them. Millicent stirred up an amalgam of emotions and nausea on a regular day, Kel wasn't keen on discovering what effect she would have on them in this unfortunate state. Nevertheless, Kel found her exceptionally and uniquely entrancing. That much was evident from peripherals alone, blurred as they were. Millicent had a drink or two herself, but stayed well within her limits. She probably sensed that Kel had no intention of practicing restraint and held back for their sake. Just another example of how Kel is at best a burden, and at worst toxic. They wanted to share all of these thoughts with her, but only managed to blurt out something they didn't intend.
"I'm weak." Kel confessed.
Without batting a deeply shadowed eyelid, Millicent objected, "You survived the Underdark for fifty years, murdered a gang of orcs to protect me, slew a hydra... need I go on?"
Kel lazily shook their head, immediately regretting the decision as dizziness swarmed their brain and nausea threatened to resurface. Their slim fingers trembled and their breaths became labored, but they forced themselves to regain what little composure they had left as if Millicent hadn't just witnessed a horrendously vile display of humiliation. As if the stench didn't hang on their breath. They could've sworn they heard distant yet familiar laughter in the back of their head.
"I had help. Alone, I'm weak." Kel cursed at how slurred the words drawled out and at how afraid they were to make complete sentences at the risk of something else escaping their throat. They pressed on cautiously. "You said it yourself, my stuff is much weaker." Their lisp was painfully obvious and they gagged after straining for emphasis. They repositioned themselves safely on their side. They hated this, but hung their head and waited for the next wave.
Millicent asked for clarification. Kel, too afraid to respond, jostled the box hooked onto their belt. This brought her attention to the small metallic chest that contained their specially made drugs. They heaved and coughed while Millicent considered this for a moment.
"Relatively, Kel. Suude is dangerous, even lethal, in improper dosages." Millicent explained and hoped that Kel wouldn't take that as a challenge.
"Just look at me." Kel bemoaned pitifully.
Millicent had to admit, it wasn't their most shining moment, hovering over the sodden dirt, fluids dripping from their face, various liquid stains coloring their coat. They wiped their mouth without much improvement and dragged the back of their hand under their running nose. Before they could reach under their fogged up goggles to wipe away the reflex tears, Millicent handed them a black handkerchief. She ordinarily used it to dust off vials at work, but she didn't mind sacrificing the fabric to alleviate Kel's suffering if only marginally. Kel carefully accepted. They tore the goggles from their face, their skin now turning more of a muted lavender than their usual deep violet, and experienced some difficulty untangling the device from their raven hair damp with sweat and falling out of the tie that once held it all together. Finally, after they discarded the eyewear to the ground with an unceremonious clatter, they brought the handkerchief to their misty eyes first, then cleaned the rest of their face. It helped somewhat.
Millicent liked to pride herself as someone who did not pity her partner. It seemed that Kel, however, was determined to make that a nearly impossible feat. Even if it was their fault for consuming so many bottles and vials in the first place.
Millicent knew they were overdoing it. She should have stopped it sooner, but she couldn't shake her curiosity. That was the consequence of being an alchemist, she supposed. She didn't know how much Kel, or any drow for that matter, could take. Now she did. It evidently wasn't as much as she thought, but even a barbarian double fisting hard liquor and narcotics at an equivalent amount respective to their proportions would most likely be brought to their knees. She should have been more conscious of the price that Kel was willing to pay for self destruction, though. They probably regretted the fact that she was still there, watching them. They must not have planned this far ahead.
Kel hated themself so much.
Millicent stood and dusted herself off, though it wasn't necessary. She told Kel, "I'm going to request a private bath at the inn. The water will be too cold here. Can you walk?"
Kel didn't respond. She knew Kel didn't want to be cared for because they believed they deserved to suffer. Anyone who came between them and repentance was their enemy. But Millicent never let that stop her from loving them because she knew that beyond this deep self-hatred there was empathy. She could relate. So she did what she thought Kel would do for her in this situation, though they probably would have been more responsible with her and prevented it from happening at all. She wrapped their long arm around her shoulders and helped them onto their feet again.
Kel struggled to remain conscious. They slumped onto Millicent's shoulder, closed their eyes and focused on breathing deeply and balancing their weight so that their partner was not lifting all of it. Their drug induced haze was quickly going south. Every step felt like hours, death felt imminent, dread and panic clouded their mind and shortened their breaths. The pain was ceaseless. The laughter in their mind grew louder. The two had to stop a couple times for Kel to retch and recuperate. Kel dug their nails into their scalp and tugged at their hair roughly in frustration and agony wondering why Millicent didn't leave them to rot in the forest. They were too much for her. She could have had a much better life without them consistently destroying it. They almost resented her for choosing them. But Kel was not exempt from the problem. They gripped onto Millicent tightly as they powered through their anxiety attack all the way back to the inn.
Once they reached The Bloody Champion, Millicent paid for a bath and lead Kel to the private room with a wooden tub. Candles lit the room in a faint glow. The clerk filled the basin with water, warm from sitting by a fire, and gave them their privacy. Kel didn't know if they would be able to hold themself up in a bath let alone wash. They were so drained. They tried not to make this apparent to Millicent with little success.
Kel did not want to take their coat off, but figured it was inevitable. One by one they fumbled to release each button from their fabric prisons. Millicent reached for a button on Kel's waist which made Kel flinch and nearly bat her hand away. The color in Kel's face returned somewhat at this. Millicent stopped and looked slightly offended, though it was hard to read her expression when her constant state of being was apathetic. Guilt gripped at Kel's heart. It wasn't that Millicent was forbidden, but Kel felt strongly that she would not be comfortable with what was underneath. As if they had said this aloud, which was entirely possible given their half-conscious state, Millicent backed away out of the door and shut it behind her.
A disturbing mixture of relief and regret twisted Kel's insides. They sighed and continued unbuttoning. It took a while, but eventually they shrugged off the coat and undressed down to their bindings. It was similarly time-consuming, tedious, and irritating, but they unraveled bandages from several different parts of their body until a suitable amount of violet skin showed. They always felt remorseful once they were able to take in the innumerable amount of marks discoloring their skin. If only it were so easy to peel off scars.
They slowly submerged themselves in the bath, thankful for the soothing warmth it brought. Thankful for Millicent. They lifted their head out of the water to find the door creaking open and a figure slipping in.
Instinctively, Kel yelped and covered as much of their exposed body as they were able to with what little they had, only to be greeted with a small laugh. Millicent's laugh. It was rare and subtle, but one of the loveliest sounds Kel has ever heard. Her teeth sparkled under her full lips painted as dark as the night. Kel froze under her sultry gaze. She had never seen them like this.
Before Kel could escape or flashback to every nightmare they've had about this, Millicent pulled down the lacy sleeves of her black dress and let it fall to the floor. Kel blanched. She stepped out of the heap of floral fabric and rested her wide brimmed hat on a shelf, unveiling her face. She retrieved a bar of soap from the same shelf, revealing her backside with poise, and met Kel on the edge of the tub. They wordlessly admired her, as if she were a painting. It was a tight fit, but Millicent stepped in between their long and lanky legs, knelt into the water and shifted to place her finger on Kel's chin. Kel shut their jaw they didn't realize was hanging wide open.
"What?" Millicent said with a saccharine pout. "I never said I wasn't going to join you."
Kel stammered. "You never said you were either..."
Millicent smirked and turned her back to Kel, leaning into their slender form taking up most of the tub. She wrapped their lithe arms around her and said, "Surprise."
She was going to be the death of them. She was perfect. Her body was porcelain and soft and shiny. Their body, on the other hand, was awkward. Their skin was hardly even skin anymore. They felt so vulnerable, as if every scar suddenly grew ten times larger. She was so soft, she could break so easily. Kel hoped she never would. Every time Millicent did something so irreplaceably intimate like this, Kel welled up with emotion. Heat burned in the pit of their stomach and in the corners of their eyes. A force begged them to never let go. They rested their chin in the crook of Millicent's neck and brushed their rough hands up and down Millicent's smooth arms.
The two rested in peaceful silence for a brief moment, listening to one another breathe, knowing they were still alive.
Soon enough, Millicent made use of the soap. She lathered it over her arms, her shoulders, her legs and feet. She truly took this opportunity to the fullest and stretched out every moment, half to tease Kel, half to revel in the serenity of it all. Kel massaged Millicent's back, eliciting small moans of delight from her lips. The sound was so foreign to Kel. It tightened their heart and brought a different type of nausea to their insides. They could do this all night, or forever. Or, at least until... she perished.
Kel fell limp at the thought. There would be no forever as far as Millicent was concerned.
As if sensing the shift in Kel's atmosphere, Millicent turned around to face them. Kel couldn't bring themselves to meet her eyes. She gently placed her palm on their cheek and Kel leaned into it gingerly with shame twisted on their anguished face. With some mindful maneuvering, Millicent climbed on top of Kel and leaned in to press her lips against theirs. They tasted rancid and awful but their lips were notably supple compared to their leathery, striated skin. Kel knew that kissing them might not have been pleasant due to prior poor decisions, so they bowed their head to prevent Millicent from making the same mistake. She kissed their forehead instead, now damp with condensation from the steamy bath. She leaned back and dragged the soap from her naval to her neck. She then swirled circles of soap down to her breasts, paying special attention to them for Kel.
This wracked Kel's nerves and shortened their breath again. Millicent took their hands from her lower back and brought them to her soapy chest. She guided them to press into her tender, slippery skin. She released her grip once Kel understood the motions on their own and moaned again, more urgent this time.
An anxious ache panged in Kel's heart. They were unsure of this. This was something entirely new to them. They worried that they weren't doing it right, if Millicent actually wanted this or if she was forcing herself, how they should not have done this at all because it would only hurt more when she...
Kel hissed in sudden pain as soap sunk into their fresh cuts from earlier. They quickly drew their hands away and plunged their hands in the water for fleeting relief. They attempted to wash or shake out the soap to not much avail. The laughter was back.
"Are those new?" Millicent inquired. Her voice was steady and monotone, so Kel was unable to tell if she was disappointed or not. She cupped her hands into the water and poured it over her breasts nonchalantly.
Kel avoided her gaze. "I needed to."
Millicent looked Kel over. The rest of their body matched the worn arms she had seen before. Scars littered every inch of their skin. White ones, red ones, raised and badly healed ones from their neck to their toes. The vertical ones were jagged and angry. Those were more likely to have come from enemies and monsters. The horizontal ones, however, some small, some large, but all carefully positioned into patterns- those were from Kel. It was an egregiously gruesome picture, but not one that Millicent was phased by.
"You're not going to have any skin left if you keep needing to." She meant it as a dark joke, or an casual observation, but Kel felt the sting of shame from her words. It hurt because she had a point and it was their fault. Millicent attempted to remedy her cheeky statement. "You're not weak, Kel. You're a survivor. You are strong."
Kel balled their hands into fists and pushed themselves out of the tub. They quickly wrapped a towel around themselves and grabbed their discarded clothes.
"This is not strength." Kel growled.
"Kel." Millicent chided, but they continued to dry themselves off and dress themselves hastily. They ditched their shirt, bandages, and headwear, let their trench coat and belts hang loosely over their shoulders, and slammed the door on their way out.
It was dangerous to traverse the streets undisguised as a drow, but Kel didn't care. Those who wanted them dead frankly had their permission to do as they pleased. The night was growing colder. They were forced to shove their arms into their coat and fasten the topmost buttons. They ran to the nearest tree, aggressively clawed up to the sturdiest branch and perched there. Rage burned under their skin. This night was humiliating. They needed an escape. The laughter continued, louder, mocking. Kel seethed at the thought that Sybille had the audacity to mock them.
They pulled out their dagger from the sheath on the belt and looked for a place on their fingers to cut. They pressed on the wounds from earlier to see if they could squeeze out blood but it was no use. Looking over the back and front and every sliver of skin on their hands they realized that they may have officially covered the entire area with cuts. Millicent was right. There really was nothing left of them. They've run over scars in the past so it wasn't out of the question to do so again but still, a new hopelessness lingered in the air.
A draft caught under their coat and lapped at their bare chest. They considered marking that region, but evil already scathed brutal reminders there heavily before Kel got to it. Back in the Underdark, whips tended to have poor accuracy, albeit it was safe to assume they were premeditated accidents. One licked over their shoulder and burned down to the center of their chest, another came up from their slightly protruding ribs. They knew their father's owner had purposely been sloppy that day, probably on account of discovering their secret identity as female at birth instead of male like they had been presenting at the time. The chance to punish the reflection of matriarchy must have been cathartic for someone lower on the chain. Or maybe they whipped with wild abandon for fun, or for pleasure. The maniacal laughter of that bitch echoed in their memory, tangling with Sybille's. The stab wounds they received recently from the wraiths were still red. They poured into the countless nicks Kel had dashed there already. They were running out of room.
They felt eyes on the back of their neck watching them. They looked but saw nothing. It was probably the Shadar Kai that everyone kept mentioning, Sybille most of all. Her laughter grated painfully in the front of their mind now, so they took that as an affirmative answer. Well, they bet the Shadar Kai and his goddess of pity were really going to get off to of this crude display of sorrow. Kel cursed, their head throbbed, they needed the drugs, quickly.
They breathed in and brought the knife to their chin. The face was not a taboo area, but it was one that Sybille wasn't careful with. The missing teeth, for instance, was on account of tripping while running from a ravenous beast. The beast would not have been provoked had Sybille not tried to hug it due to its "oddly cute" nature. The monster picked them up with their tentacles and thought it would be funny to rip the loose teeth out. They've also often woken up with bloody noses, split lips, nicks in the eyebrow, and various bruises for mostly, much to Kel's frustration, unexplained reasons. But they were desperate, so, face it was. They breathed out as they sliced a serviceable amount of blood from their chin. They gathered drops onto their thumb and smeared it onto the locked box. It clicked open. Kel pulled a vial out, popped the cork and tilted their head back. Except, nothing came out.
The tube was empty.
They panicked. They swore they made enough. They removed another backup vial from the box, but found that one was empty as well. Kel cursed loudly. They scrambled for the suude as a last resort. It was nowhere to be found. They searched their belt over and over. They knew they put it here. They were running out of time. The laughter tormented them now. Visions of the past and strangely familiar creatures and people they've never seen before barraged them. They covered their long ears and shut their eyes tightly, but it was futile. Their eyes rolled back into their head as claws ripped the threads of their soul out of their body. The detested apparition shoved into their veins. They screamed in agony.
"Get out." They yelled and dragged the dagger down the side of their cheek. "Get out." They carved into their lips down to their chin. "Get out." A hand firmly gripped their wrist, preventing them from slashing at their cheekbone.
They yelped at something stabbing the bottom of their wrist. They opened their eyes and saw Millicent, wearing their long sleeved black shirt. Their torso was considerably longer, so it fit like a dress on her. She looked exceptionally cute. She should wear their clothes more often, they looked better on her.
Kel yelped again at another stabbing sensation hitting their wrist. They looked down and found that they weren't dreaming. Millicent was, in fact, stabbing them with what appeared to be a sharp stick. She pulled it out and stabbed again.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Kel yelled.
"I could ask you the same thing." She said.
Kel watched as a drop of blood splattered onto the leather of their coat. They touched the source with their free hand and examined it. Red painted over their palm. Their face stung.
Millicent handed them a red vial from a bag slung around her shoulder and continued. "But I won't."
Kel assumed this potion's properties were for healing, so they gently dabbed some onto the lacerations. It still hurt but it appeared to stop the bleeding. The laughter faded away. Kel hoped that Sybille finally went to bed, frightened off by the pain in her flesh vessel. They were exhausted themselves. Another stab woke them up. They were about to pull their arm away from their vicious girlfriend until they looked down. They blinked in astonishment.
A tiny swirl of ink dotted against their skin, covering a small scar in its place. Millicent was drawing on them. Drawing in them. Dumbfounded, they looked to their new tattoo artist for answers.
A faint smile hit her lips as she explained. "You always say you're afraid because we can't be together forever. Well, now you will have a piece of me that will last for as long as you will."
Tears filled Kel's eyes. They let them fall. Kel dug their fingers into Millicent's hair behind her ear and closed the distance between them in an instant. Kel tasted like blood now, which Millicent figured was a slight improvement from earlier. Kel whispered apologies while they kissed every part of Millicent's face and down her neck.
"Thank you for stopping me." They said quietly.
She kissed them gently. She lingered there with her forehead resting on theirs, just like the first time. "I love you." She said. "I always will."
She wiped Kel's tears away and broke apart only to continue her masterpiece. Kel jumped and laughed at the suddenness of her integrity.
"So, you need blood?" She asked.
Kel's heart dropped. "You saw?"
Millicent nodded. "I'm not as skilled at climbing trees as you are. It took me some time."
Kel didn't think they were that skilled at climbing trees. It was most likely the adrenaline to blame. They closed the box with the empty vials and hooked them back onto their belt.
"Does it need to be your blood?" Millicent asked.
Kel shook their head. "I don't think so."
Millicent poked them with their sharp pointed ink stick with playful malice and chided, "I can get you blood, idiot."
Kel laughed. "I didn't want anyone to find out. It's to preserve the safety of my drugs. In here they won't get stolen, they won't break-"
"They won't run out?" Millicent teased.
"I have all the ingredients stored in the box as well." Kel assured testily. "I need to make more tomorrow. Not to mention healing potions, and poisons. I'm not planning on asking the help of a devil ever again."
"I'll help you." Millicent said. "As long as you promise that you will look down at my art and remember me before you hurt yourself."
Kel observed their wrist. A vine with thorns spiraled elegantly. It marked the beginning of Millicent’s garden. Kel could hardly identify the scars they’ve traced hundreds of times under the dark ink. They nodded sincerely and hugged Millicent tightly. This could be Kel's new escape.