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Nights like these were the kind of nights that made Dan hate his own mind. It was the kind of night where he couldn’t quiet down his brain enough to sleep so instead he laid in bed listening to the drone of the air-conditioning and thinking too much.
Thinking about the insignificance of everything and how he was just put onto this Earth by chance. As much as he wanted to convince himself his life had a purpose, he couldn’t put himself in the right mind frame. Everything was just science. He could never believe there was this “higher power” who created everything by hand to fit perfectly into the universe. He was just an insignificant being that mattered so little to the totality of it all.
This was the spiral his mind constantly went into on nights like these. He felt more alone during these moments than any other time in his life. Even more alone than the days he spent locked away in his bedroom, ignoring his parents calling him down for dinner and constantly wishing for one person’s presence. Even with that person sleeping beside him now, he felt extremely isolated.
Dan was saved from his own thoughts by the sound of crying coming from the baby monitor on his nightstand. It startled him and took him a moment to understand what was happening, but when he did he quickly got out of bed, careful not to wake Phil.
He padded down the hall to Amelia’s room, the crying becoming more insistent as he got closer. Walking through the door and switching on the light, he peeked over the side of the crib. Amelia’s face was red and screwed up in frustration as she wailed, her tiny hands balled up into fists and her feet kicking desperately at nothing. Dan reached over to pick her up, his face breaking into a huge smile despite the opposite expression on his daughter’s face.
“What seems to be the matter?” he whispered softly into her ear as he patted her back gently. He shifted her in his arms so her cheek rested against his chest. “Your daddy just fed you a couple hours ago so you shouldn’t be hungry. Do you need a diaper change?” He spoke to her as if she would respond, which was something Phil often pointed out to Dan and laughed about.
After changing her diaper, Dan laid Amelia back down in her crib and slowly began to walk away, hoping she would just go back to sleep. He only made it halfway down the hall before she started crying again. Dan was secretly kind of grateful. Taking care of Amelia meant he had something to distract him from his own brain. He retreated back to her room and picked her up again.
As soon as she was being held her crying ceased. Dan chuckled, smirking at his daughter. “You just want attention, don’t you?” He smiled fondly before reaching back in the crib for one of her blankets and carrying her out into the lounge.
Settling into the couch, Dan cradled Amelia in one arm and held his hand over her face so she could reach up and hold one of his fingers in her hand. Even after four months this still managed to melt Dan’s heart. Just the look of concentration on her face as she played with his fingers was enough to make Dan fall even deeper in love.
Every bit of Dan was filled with the urge to care for and protect this little girl who had won him over so quickly. He wanted so much to see this little girl grow up and become her own person, whoever that may be. He wanted to see her find herself and he knew he and Phil would support her every step of the way. They would give her every ounce of love she deserved and then some.
So maybe Dan did have some sort of purpose. While he still wasn’t sure how much he believed in one person creating everything to fit together, he couldn’t help but think that Amelia was put into his life by more than chance. He and Phil were made to care for and protect her, and he sure as hell knew that’s what they would do.
As his mind continued to spiral in a much lighter direction than earlier, he failed to notice the sound of Phil shuffling down the hall.
“Dan?” he heard Phil say.
“In here,” Dan called quietly, bringing his finger up to his lips when Phil rounded to corner into the lounge. Amelia had fallen asleep at some point while Dan thought and he didn’t want to wake her.
“What are you doing up?” Phil whispered as quietly as he could for Dan still to hear him. Dan motioned for Phil to sit next to him on the couch then leaned his head on his shoulder when he was settled.
“Couldn’t sleep, neither could Amelia,” Dan replied simply, yawning into Phil’s neck. “Why are you up?”
“I got cold and you weren’t there to warm me up,” Phil said. He shifted slightly so he could wrap one arm around Dan’s waist and stroke Amelia’s head with the other hand.
“You know you can turn off the A/C if you get cold, right?” Dan giggled, raising an eyebrow in Phil’s direction.
“Then I don’t have an excuse to cuddle you,” he pouted, turning his attention from their daughter to Dan.
Pecking Phil’s lips, Dan said, “You don’t need an excuse.”
“Fair enough.” Phil smiled before leaning in for a second kiss.
The three of them stayed cuddled together on the couch, slowly drifting in and out of sleep.
“You know we’re both gonna be sore in the morning if we stay here,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s ear, voice heavy with sleep.
“Don’t care.” Dan shook his head gently. To put his point across, Dan turned so he could lay his head back in Phil’s lap and laid Amelia on her belly across his chest, settling in. Dan smiled innocently up at Phil, loving the way he shook his head, trying to act annoyed but giving himself away instantly with the fond smile spreading across his entire face. Phil grabbed a blanket off the couch and draped it over Dan and Amelia then leaned down to place a kiss on each of their heads.
This was exactly the way Dan wished he could spend every night. He didn’t care how sore he would be the next day - it was totally worth it.
If someone were to walk into their house at this moment and snap a picture of them curled up on the couch, Dan would frame it and hang it on the wall immediately. It was such a small moment, but it was worth so much more. It was a tiny snapshot of their lives. It was a moment where they were so explicitly a family and he knew he would never get enough of it.