Chapter Text
She's so beautiful. That was all Lena could think. Kara was so, so beautiful. Even in sweats and a t-shirt she was beautiful, but in the dress she wore to this party she was absolutely stunning. She was pretty sure the party they were at was for Winn's birthday, but she wasn't totally sure. Kara had slipped her an invitation and made that stupid face Lena couldn't say no to, so there they were.
As she watched Kara talked to Lucy across the crowded room, Lena wondered if she could even feel her stare. Did she even know how alluring she was? If she did feel it, she did a great job pretending she didn't. She stayed focused on Lucy who was probably droning on about something incredibly boring by Lena's standards. Probably a boy of some sort.
Honestly, all Kara talked about was how much her friends drove her crazy, yet she made no move to leave them. Lena was the one who listened, then forced a smile when Kara chose them over her in public. Like right now.
But she understood. She did. Their situation was complicated, and there was more to it than met the eye. It wasn't as simple as Kara ignoring her. Being close at all was dangerous, never mind being them.
“You're staring again,” Jack appeared next to her with two red solo cups.
Lena took the one he offered to her, briefly looking up, then returning her gaze to Kara. “I know.”
“You deserve a better friend than her,” he told her for what might have been the billionth time.
That one Lena didn't know. Or maybe she did. Maybe their relationship was one masochistic mess. It did hurt sometimes – it sucked always being ignored in public – but at the same time, it was Kara. If it was anyone else, she'd probably leave, but it was Kara.
“Yeah,” she mumbled.
Jack sighed, and Lena saw him shake his head out of the corner of her eye. “She won't love you the way you want to be loved,” he murmured. “I wish things were different, but it's never gonna happen. Just walk away before you hurt yourself even more.”
Lena glanced down at the cup of alcohol and took a long swig.
Jack let out a heavy sigh at the lack of an answer. “You can't crush on her forever. And she's gonna find out you have feelings for her sooner or later, and that'll be nothing but awkward. You gotta try to move on. She's just a girl.”
Lena took a second longer to stare, to take everything that was Kara Danvers in, then she turned to Jack with a bittersweet smile. “I wish that was the case, but we both know she's not just a girl, Jack.”
He was silent, but his eyes were filled with worry and sadness.
“She's my best friend,” Lena told him.
He grimaced at the term. “She's straight.”
“Maybe so,” Lena didn't bother denying it. “But she's still her. She’s still Kara.”
Jack looked over to the girl who was still ignoring them, then shook his head with disapproval. “Kara or not, you deserve to be treated better. She's a shitty friend.”
“You don't know her like I do.”
“I know enough to know that she hasn't said hello, despite being the one to invite you,” he spat out. “Why are you friends with someone who only wants to be your friend behind closed doors?”
“Because,” Lena racked her brain for a better answer, but there was none, so she gave her best defense. “It's Kara.”
xx
Four hours later, Lena's back was flat against the bed, her head propped up on a pillow and that so, so beautiful girl’s thighs were on each side of her waist as she straddled her.
“You looked… I don't even have words,” Kara rushed out in a low murmur. She reached down, stroking Lena's cheek with the most wonderful look in her eyes. Her breath was heavy, her words were passionate. “You're so perfect, Lena. How are you so perfect?”
“Me?” Lena laughed at the thought. “Kara, I couldn't take my eyes off you.”
“I know,” she grinned. “I picked this dress just for you. Did you like it?”
Instead of answering and feeding her cockiness, Lena's hand went to Kara's neck, fiddling with the chain around it. “You wore the necklace I got you.”
“I haven't taken it off,” Kara told her. “I like having a reminder of you with me all the time.”
Lena wrapped her arms under Kara's and pulled her down until their bodies were pressed together again.
“I love you so much.”
“And I love you. So much,” Kara reciprocated. She glanced down with remorse. “I'm really sorry things aren't easier.”
For a moment, Lena flicked her gaze elsewhere as well, but, as it always seemed to, it returned to Kara in a split second. “Me too. But I'd rather things be hard than not have you in my life.”
Kara perked up at that, connecting their lips again. “Thank you for being my girlfriend.”
Lena was smiling again. She couldn't not smile when she was reminded that Kara was hers. “Thank you for making it worth it.”
xx
“Can we go for a drive?” Kara asked out of the blue.
Lena peeled her attention away from her book and turned to focus on her girlfriend. “A something's wrong and we need to talk drive, or just a drive?”
“Just a drive. I want to blast music with the windows down as we scream along to songs you hate – yet know all the words to,” she grinned at the thought. Then, she bit her lip as if Lena actually knew how to say no to her. “We don’t have to. But we haven't done it in a while. I do it alone, but it's so much more fun with you.”
Lena set down the book completely, standing up to get her keys. “Your wish is my command, darling.”
And despite the shitty music, watching Kara smile and dramatically sing along as the wind blew their hair around like crazy left her feeling on top of the world. Nothing would ever beat this. It couldn’t.
xx
“Where were you all weekend?” Jack asked at lunch on Monday. “Your replies were scarce. And that's putting it quite nicely.”
Lena thought of Kara. She came to Lena's on Saturday morning and it was one of the rare nights she slept over. They spent all day together, then all night, doing things as innocent as Lena painting Kara's nails and as risqué as having those same short nails pumping inside of her while their moans filled the room.
“I had a lot of homework. I was trying to perfect my Spanish project.”
Jack didn't question the answer, taking it at face value. “You are literally the biggest nerd I know.”
xx
“Lena!” Kara ran into her room that night. Lena didn't have time to process it before she had jumped on top of her. Her arms squeezed Lena's neck as she planted kiss after kiss on her face. “I missed you!”
“It's been less than twenty-four hours,” she laughed at the greeting.
“Don't remind me,” Kara kept up the constant kisses as Lena squirmed around under her. “That's way too long, if you ask me.”
As clingy as Kara may sound, Lena had to agree. Kara was someone she'd spend every waking moment with if she could. She wished she could.
xx
It was a Sunday afternoon and they were sipping iced coffees when Kara dropped the bombshell.
“Mike asked me out on Friday,” she blurted out mid-conversation. Her eyes were panicked and guilty and didn't seem to know where to look. “I've been meaning to tell you, I just didn't know how.”
Lena looked down, but her voice was suddenly lower. She couldn't stop the bite in her tone, despite trying so hard to stop it from coming out. “I know we’re just friends. It's okay.”
“But we're not just friends. We haven't been just friends in a while,” Kara urgently argued what Lena already knew as the truth. “You mean so much more to me than being just anything. You're so important to me. Just because I can't call you my girlfriend in public doesn't mean you're not my girlfriend. You alone are my world.”
Lena's lips perked upwards at that. Suddenly she felt shy and bashful. She didn't think Kara even knew the impact of the words she spoke so casually. She hated the situation, but Kara's love for her always managed to put her on cloud nine.
“I know you need to say yes,” Lena sighed. What had to be done had to be done, but she still couldn't hold in the bitterness too long. “You need to if you want to keep being straight, right?”
“Lena–”
“I know. That was unfair,” she looked down with a mix of shame and anger. She was angry at the situation, not at Kara. She didn't need to take it out on her. “You know it's true, though.”
“I do,” Kara regretfully sighed. “But I don't want to date him, Lena. I want to date you. You know that.”
“I do,” Lena forced a smile. “It's just hard to remember when you're on fake dates with someone else.”
“Lena,” she cooed. “I don't want to hurt you.”
“I know you don't. But seeing you with someone else will always sting. Even if it isn't real.”
“I–”
“I should go,” Lena didn't let her finish. She was standing up from her chair, suddenly in no mood for coffee. She wanted to pretend she wasn't so madly in love with someone who had to keep her a secret. “I'll text you.”
She was gone before Kara could protest.
xx
She didn't text her. It had been four days since the last time they spoke. Four days full of agony and getting Kara's messages but being unable to reply, because it hurt. Thinking of her with Mike hurt – even if it was fake. She hated this situation.
They saw each other in the hallways at school, but Lena knew Kara wouldn't talk to her there. Or she thought she wouldn't. Until she did.
On the fifth day, she showed up at her locker. “What's going on?”
Lena looked at her and almost felt tears. She definitely felt that nervous nauseous feeling in her stomach. She wished she could answer. She loved Kara, and she knew Kara loved her, yet she had this paralyzing fear that she was about to lose her.
“I don't know,” she murmured.
Kara reached out to touch her, then held herself back. “I miss you.”
Lena didn't know three words could hold so much pain.
She pursed her lips. “You already know I miss you too.”
Kara leaned forward in an awkward position in order to force Lena to meet her eye. When she did, Lena saw how much they were begging her for an answer. “Then why won't you talk to me?”
She saw the desperation written in Kara’s features. She saw the want, and desire, and sadness, but she also saw the way they nervously looked around the hallway for bystanders.
“I want to talk about this,” she pleaded.
Lena just shrugged. “What's there to talk about? You need to date Mike.”
“Lena,” Kara was pleading. “You know my parents. You better than anyone know my parents.”
And suddenly reality was flying back in. Suddenly she remembered the way Kara's parents went from absolutely loving their friendship to banning it, purely because Lena came out as gay. Even being seen together was Kara risking their trust. Sometimes she forgot how delicate their relationship truly was. It might bother Lena to have a secret relationship, but Kara was risking everything for it.
“You can come over if you want,” she offered. “We can talk there.”
“Thank you,” Kara gave a heavy sigh of relief.
Lena’s instantaneously day felt better at the way Kara's eyes visibly lightened and hope flooded in. “You're welcome.”
Kara moved to walk away, but Lena stopped her for one more second.
“I miss you too, Kara.”
She already deeply regretted making her doubt that.
xx
“Did I see who I think I saw at your locker?” Jack immediately asked in their shared algebra class. “Kara Danvers, speaking to you in public? Did I jump onto another realm of reality?”
“Let it go,” Lena ordered.
He sat back in his chair, a knowing look on his face. “So, she is the reason you've been so dark and broody. I knew it.”
“Leave it be, Jack.”
“What'd she do to mess up enough to warrant speaking in public?”
“She had a date,” Lena sighed. “I just… went cold on her. We hadn't spoken since Sunday because I got jealous.”
“Good,” he shrugged it off. “I don't like her at all.”
“You've made that well known. But you know it's complicated.”
“So, what? Her parents said you're Satan and forbid her from hanging out with you. How would they know if you spoke in school?”
“Her dad is the principal,” Lena rolled her eyes at the lack of logic.
“Well, still,” he huffed. “You're supposed to be her best friend, so why do you have to hide it? I don't like this at all.”
“Nor do I, but at least she's still in my life,” Lena tried to get him to understand. “Being her friend in private is better than not being her friend at all.”
“Honestly? I beg to differ.”
“You don't get it,” Lena sighed.
And she knew that was only because she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let anyone in on the relationship she had with Kara. It was theirs. Despite wanting to share it, she also wanted to keep it theirs.
“I understand I don't like her,” he mimicked, his voice pointed. “My advice is ditch her before you fall too deep. If she realizes how much you love her, she’ll only break your heart.”
Lena wanted to laugh. Despite their distance the past five days, Lena knew enough to know Kara loved her. Very much so, in fact.
xx
“I understand,” Lena rushed out before Kara could say anything when she came over that night. “You need to go out with him. I understand. I just needed to throw my tantrum.”
Kara smiled at the word choice, quickly assuring that, “Your tantrum was well deserved. I wouldn't want to be in your position. And if it's become too much–”
“It hasn't,” Lena was eager to promise. “I love you. I hate our situation, but I love you, Kara.”
“When I have the resources to live on my own, I promise I'll come out that very day. I just – they already slammed your parents and said if I turned out gay they'd kick me out. It's not safe for me to be who I am when I have no where to go.”
“I know,” Lena moved in for a kiss. She had missed her taste so much. “I'm sorry for forgetting that.”
“You're allowed to be frustrated,” Kara held her so tight that Lena wondered how she lived without her. “But you need to know that every single second I'm with him, I'll be thinking of you.”
Lena looked up with a smile. “Is that a promise?”
“Absolutely. I promise,” she squeezed her for emphasis. “I know you're the best of the best, Lena. I'm not interested in anyone. I never will be. Losing you is my worst nightmare.”
She relaxed in her arms, leaning her head downwards until her forehead was resting on Kara's shoulder. “Can you try not to keep things from me, though? Even if I don't want to hear it, I still want to know those sorts of things right away.”
“I'm sorry,” Kara gently kissed the crown of her head. “Can I come over afterwards? I'll want to see you.”
“I'd like that,” she perked up at the request. “It's a date.”
“Two dates in one night,” Kara mused. “I'm a popular girl.”
Lena took in her scent and felt comfortable in the way her sturdy arms were wrapped around her. “Be as popular as you want. As long as you always come back, we’ll be alright.”
Kara gently pulled them apart, her palm resting flat on Lena's cheek. “It'll always be you, honey.”
Lena placed her hand over Kara's, then pulled it downwards. This time, there was no malice, just playful warmth. “Tell me that after your date.”
xx
“It's still you,” Kara rushed out, connecting their lips instantaneously as she walked in the next day. “As I said: always you.”
xx
Lena woke up at seven and moved to text Kara, but she saw she already had a message from her. According to the time stamp it was sent around three. She frowned, hesitating to even open it. Getting a late night message was either really bad or really good.
When she did finally open it, she immediately wore the biggest smile. It was really good.
I know you're sleeping, considering it's 3:18 and you have your freaky sleep schedule thing, but I'm not OCD about my sleep, so I'm sitting up and thinking about how much I love you. And man, do I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The idea of one day losing my parents doesn't even scare me, because the idea of being able to publicly have you overshadows it. The thought of claiming you as mine beyond hickeys and a crown emoji in place of your name in my phone is exhilarating. I know our situation sucks, but I just… thank you so much for putting up with it. I can't imagine my life without you. Not only are you my girlfriend, but you're my best friend – I'd go as far as soulmate, but that sounds a little too cheesy for you. But you are. You're the one I want to wake up to, and look at stars with, and complain about politics. You're the one I want to tease mercilessly about being a nerd, and love endlessly for being you, and stay up late on the phone with only to send a long message at 3:18 in the morning while you sleep. You leave me in complete bliss, Lena. You truly do. And I never want to lose that feeling. I love you, I love you, I love you. Talk to you in a few hours when we're both actually awake. Thank you for being mine.
Lena felt the absolute love emanating from the single text. Fuck, did she love Kara.
What a great start to the day.
xx
“Are you crying?” Lena gawked. “Kara, it's just a Disney movie!”
“I don't care what it is, this is traumatizing!” Kara exclaimed as she wiped at her eyes. “Why would they show this to kids?”
Lena smiled, wrapping Kara in her arms as she tried to hold in an outright laugh. This was pathetic, but cute in the oddest way. “Pull yourself together, babe.”
“Why would you show me this?” she asked as if turning on The Fox and the Hound was a malicious move. “She just left him there!” When she finally did laugh and Kara wasted no time to call her on it. “This isn't funny, Lena!”
She didn't stop the laughing, but she reached across Kara to grab the remote and pause the movie. When she did, Kara looked at her as if she'd been betrayed.
“How could you do this to me?”
“It's a Disney movie!” Lena reiterated.
Kara took deep breaths, but didn't calm down. “I'm never letting you pick the movie again. A scary movie would have been better than this!”
“Oh my god,” Lena was still trying to hold in the full extent of her amusement. She held Kara tighter, wanting to capture this moment in her memory. “I love you so much.”
“Yeah, well, I'm reconsidering my love for you right now,” Kara huffed.
They both knew she wasn't.
xx
“Mike is coming over for a family dinner,” Kara announced a week later. She wrinkled her nose. “God, I'm dreading it.”
By then Lena was much more composed over Kara's ’relationship ’ with Mike. She would always wish it could be her, but she understood why it had to be him.
“Why are you dreading it?” Lena was actually confused. “He's the definition of parent material. There's no reason to be nervous.”
“Yeah, I know. I'm not nervous,” Kara trailed off, then her voice became hurt and distraught. She seemed to be on the verge of tears. “I'd just rather it be you,” her voice cracked. “You have no idea how much I wish it could be you.”
She saw the hurt in Kara's eyes and moved so that she was able to wrap her arms around her. She wanted to hold Kara close forever, to protect her from all the people in the world who wouldn't approve of their relationship. All Kara ever wanted was to make people happy – especially her parents. The agony from her failure to do so shone through, and Lena almost felt guilty for it.
If it weren't for her, Kara's life would be so much simpler. She wouldn't have to sneak around, or lie, or be in this secret relationship. She probably really would be in love with Mike if it weren't for her. They both knew that was a very real possibility. But there was Lena. Kara was in love with her. So, while Lena was sometimes incredibly jealous of Mike, she couldn't forget the vast amount of awe in Kara's eyes when they were focused on her.
“I wish it could be too, darling,” Lena stroked her hair, not knowing what to say to make it better. “Let me know if I can do anything.”
And that started the water works as Kara's nodded, then clung onto Lena's shirt as if it would protect her from the inevitable. “Why can't it be you? Just – why can’t my parents love me despite who I love?”
Lena didn't know what to say, so she kept playing with Kara's hair in silence while they both attempted to regain composure. Kara was sad, but Lena was angry. She didn't care that Kara's parents exiled her, but the thought of them exiling Kara made her furious.
When Kara spoke again, there was still pain, but it was a step down from her previous devastation. “I hate doing this to Mike, and I especially hate doing it to you. I don't want to pretend to love him when I know you're the only one for me. No one will ever compare to you, Lena – not ever.”
Lena tried her best to soothe her. “It's okay. I promise, it's okay.”
“I don't feel okay, though. I don't feel okay at all!” Kara began to get hysterical again. “I don't want to hurt you like this. I don't want to date someone when I'm so in love with you!”
“You're not hurting me,” Lena somehow held her tighter. “I understand why this needs to happen.”
That seemed to calm Kara down somewhat. She took a few deep breaths, then looked up to Lena with swollen cheeks and bloodshot eyes. “I wish my parents were more like yours.”
There was nothing reassuring to say to that without lying, so instead she commiserated. “I wish they were too.”
Lena's parents might be distant, and it might be rare she saw them, they might favor Lex and not bother to hide it, but at least she knew they were okay with her sexuality. Despite their absence, Lena knew that in their odd way, they loved her.
“Am I really worth all this trouble?” Kara asked, seemingly insecure over something that wasn't even a question to Lena.
“And then some,” she was quick to profess with the greatest amount of conviction. “I'd jump through any hoop if I knew you were on the other side.”
Kara laid on her chest, wrapping an arm around her body. “One day things will be different. When I have the means to live on my own, I promise they’ll be different. We’ll shout from the rooftops how in love we are.”
The thought of a future with both of them out and their relationship being a well-known entity made Lena's heart speed up. She couldn't wait for that day. She couldn't wait for the world to know Kara was hers.
“Until then, we’ll love each other here,” Lena murmured. “In this room, our relationship can happen. It's our sanctuary.”
“I adore this room,” Kara whispered. She turned to look up at Lena with those big blue eyes. “But even outside of this room, in case you've forgotten, my love for you is real. In every crevice of the Earth it's real,” she proclaimed. “That's one of the only things in life that I know will never change.”
xx
Lena felt a Jack sit down next to her at their usual lunch table and she managed to tear her eyes off Kara.
“I see your crush on a straight girl is still going strong,” he narrated with dismay. “I still hope it ends soon.”
It wouldn't. It'd probably never end. It was Kara.
xx
“I'm studying, Kara Danvers,” Lena sang as they sat in her room. She didn't look up from her flash cards, but she could always tell when Kara's eyes were on her.
“I'm not stopping you, Lena Luthor,” Kara chimed right back. “Study away.”
This time, Lena did look up. “Feeling your stare is distracting.”
“I always stare.”
“Yes, and you're always distracting,” she quipped. “I gotta do this homework.”
“Babe,” Kara moved across the room to sit on her lap. “I'm only here ‘til five. So, how about we cuddle now, then not do our nightly FaceTime later? That way you can study then.”
Lena knew damn well that they'd end up doing both, but she gave in anyway. She could wake up early to cram. Right now, Kara was here. And she'd do anything to please Kara.
xx
Lena was sitting in physics when she felt a stare on her. She dragged her attention away from the note she was writing to Kara and looked over to see Veronica’s eyes focused directly on her. She didn't even bother to look away when Lena stared back.
“Want to be my partner?” she asked.
Lena couldn't hide her confusion.
“For the lab today,” she motioned to their teacher. “He said we need to pair up.”
“Oh,” Lena stumbled over her words. No one ever wanted to be her partner. Outside of Jack she was somewhat of a loner. She slid the note she was writing back in her folder. “Yeah. Why not?”
xx
“So, apparently Veronica is gay,” Lena told Jack the only noteworthy thing she'd learned in physics so far that year.
“Sinclair?” he double-checked. “Yeah, that's common knowledge.”
“Why didn't I know about this?”
He looked her over with amusement, then smirked. “Well, maybe if you got your head out of Kara's ass for a few seconds you would've.”
Lena rolled her eyes at the claim. “Not everything in my life revolves around Kara.”
Jack tore his gaze away from her, for the first time sounding less irritated with her ’crush ’ and more pitiful. “I wish that were true.”
She didn't say anything back, so Jack continued.
“If Veronica is into you, give it a chance,” he advised. “Your weird, secret friendship with Kara is never gonna amount to anything more. She's not gay. I wish she was for your sake, but she's not.”
Lena thought about their room. Their kisses, their confessions, their proclamations of love. She thought about how she marked Kara as hers the night before and the way Kara pulled her closer as she came. She thought of everything from Kara's smile to her head tilts to the way she fiddled with her glasses.
“I know,” Lena responded with an edge that said to drop it. “That knowledge doesn't make it any easier to move on, though.”
xx
Lena received a text in sixth period and smiled at the words behind it.
I saw you at lunch. You look extra cute today.
She slipped her phone back into her pocket, wanting to savor Kara's words a few moments longer before she replied.
God, she loved that girl.
xx
It was a Tuesday night and they were sitting in Lena's room again, going over questions that would never matter, but we're fun to think about.
“Okay. So, if you were abducted by aliens, what would you do?”
“Outsmart them,” Lena shrugged. “I'm quite clever when I want to be.”
“You're clever all the time,” Kara argued. “But what if they were smarter? What if their technology was out of this world and you couldn’t outsmart them?”
“Hm…” Lena thought it over, going through all the possibilities before deciding on the best option. “I'd probably just find a way to send a message to you.”
“Me?” Kara sputtered. “What would I do?”
“I'm not really sure,” she admitted. “But I know you always find a way to save me. If I got the message to you, I'd be alright in the end.”
Her honesty resulted in a wide smile across Kara's face. “That was really sweet.”
“It's true,” Lena swore. “Even in my toughest times and bleakest days, there you are to save the day.”
“I wouldn't count on me with extraterrestrial activity, but on this planet I'll always be here to pick you back up,” Kara assured her. “I'll try, at least.”
Lena grinned, wiping blonde hair away from Kara’s face. “Honestly, I think we can get through anything as long as we have each other.”
Kara looked at her with amazement in her eyes again. “Honestly? So do I.”
xx
They were sitting in Lena's room, laying on her bed side by side. They weren't saying anything, but the silence was comfortable. Lena was once again taking the moment in, hoping the comfort never left her. She loved Kara's touch and the way she rested her head on her chest. No one made her feel the way Kara did.
After quite a few minutes of quiet, Kara's voice sounded through the room again. “Can I ask you a serious question?”
“You can always ask me any question,” Lena told her. “What's up?”
Kara shuffled against her chest in order to look at Lena as she asked, “Do you think we’ll end up being just another failed high school love affair?”
“Oh, darling,” Lena didn't even need to think about it. She ran a hand through Kara's hair, looking right back with pure adoration. “You're my love of a lifetime. The kind some people can only dream of. Nothing about the way I feel equates to a high school love affair in the first place.”
She felt Kara smile against her chest as she looked back down. “You have no idea how mutual that is.”
xx
“Partners?” Veronica asked before their next physics lab.
Lena didn't know why she got nervous. When she pulled herself together she nodded.
“Good.” She received a smile larger than it should've been. “I love working with the smartest girl in school. Not to mention the prettiest.”
She wanted to run right then and there. To tell her she had a girlfriend. To speak of Kara and how great she was. But she couldn't do any of that, so instead she looked down with an awkward smile. “Thanks.”
“My pleasure,” Veronica offered. “Let’s get to work then.”
xx
Suddenly Lena knew why Kara kept her date with Mike a secret for two days. She didn't know how to tell her about Veronica's newfound interest in her. She knew she had to, but she also knew Kara would be intimidated and sad over it.
During a moment of silence on their nightly FaceTime, she just forced it out. “I – well – just so you know…”
Well, she tried to force it out, but the words were stuck in her throat. She hated saying things Kara wouldn't like.
“What's wrong?” her girlfriend was suddenly concerned. When Lena's answer was a deep breath and silence, the concern grew. “Do you need me to come over? I can sneak out.”
“No. No, don't risk that,” she sighed. “You're just not gonna like it.”
“Like what?”
She braced herself for the disappointment that was to come. “Veronica Sinclair hit on me.”
And on cue, Kara's voice became guarded and her expression fell. “The goth girl who used to call herself Roulette?”
“Yeah,” she bit her lip, wishing she didn't have to see Kara's crestfallen expression. “Nothing happened, I just thought you should know.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
The screen went haywire as Kara shuffled around, then went still to reveal her insecurities. “Did you hit on her back?”
“Of course not,” Lena promised. “I'm only telling you because I'd want to know if I were in your shoes.”
“Yeah, I'm glad you did.” She still sounded sad. “I gotta go.”
“Kar–”
The line was dead before she could finish saying her name. Her calls were ignored the rest of the night, and her texts went unanswered.
She was surprised when her phone lit up at eleven. Her heart sped up when she saw Kara's name.
I just need to process this. I love you very much, though. Sorry for the distance.
Lena knew it was hypocritical to be annoyed since she'd done the same with Mike – and she didn't even bother to send a reassuring text – but she was annoyed nonetheless. She hated when her and Kara didn't speak for some reason. It was one of the worst things in the world.
Instead of saying that, she opted for the simple answer.
I love you too.
xx
When she saw Kara across the cafeteria at school her heart sped up, but it also dropped. They hadn't spoken in 16 hours, which didn't seem like much, but was an eternity for them. All she wanted to do was talk to her.
“You look even more distraught by her than normal,” Jack commented. “Are you finally realizing she's no good?”
Anger rose in Lena, but she reminded herself to hold it in. Her and Kara were just friends. So, no matter how pissed she was that Jack would call Kara anything less than incredible, she had to keep her cool. Snapping at him wasn't a normal reaction when he thought Kara was just a simple crush.
“Stop,” she muttered, taking her eyes off Kara to look at him. “It's just a bad day. We're in a fight.”
“Good. I hope it stays that way,” he declared. “She's unhealthy for you. Anyone who feels the need to ignore you in public, then adore you behind closed doors is bad news.”
But it wasn't as simple as that. It hadn't been for a while.
Instead of coming up with a reply, she checked her phone just in case Kara had texted her, but nothing was there. Lena really hoped her processing would be done soon. She never missed anyone as much as she missed Kara – even if it was only 16 hours.
xx
They were halfway through the second day of their lab when Veronica asked what was wrong.
“What?” Lena feigned stupidity purely to buy her more time to come up with an adequate answer.
“You seem… distant. And overly quiet.”
“Oh,” she sighed. “Just a fight with my best friend.”
“What happened?”
She wanted to tell her everything, just to get all the secrets out of her. But she couldn't.
“Fell in love with a straight girl.” She kept it vague. “We’re fighting, which we almost never do. I hate it.”
“Yikes,” Veronica whistled. “Well, every lesbian falls for a straight girl at some point. It's practically a right of passage.”
“Yeah. Right,” Lena agreed. “I just wish she wasn't avoiding me.”
“I'm sure she’ll get over it,” Veronica shrugged the distressing situation off. “So, I'm guessing you don't want to go on a date, then?”
“Me?” Lena tried to buy time again. “I – uh – no. I don't feel ready. Sorry.”
“Figures,” Veronica sounded like she was talking more to herself than Lena. “Well, when you're ready to move on from her, whether it's casual or serious, I'd be down to at least take you out.”
Lena felt guilty. She hated this. She wanted to tell her to back off, that she had a girlfriend, but she couldn't.
“I'll keep that in mind.”
xx
Her doorbell rang at seven that night and Lena already knew it was Kara. Jack never dropped by unannounced.
When she opened the door, Kara’s voice came out airy. “Is anyone home?”
Lena looked around as if she was checking. “No. They're in Mexico.”
Kara stepped in and closed the front door, throwing herself at Lena and attaching their lips. Kara pulled her in closer as if Lena had any intention of pulling away.
“I'm sorry for going MIA.”
Lena shook her head. Her annoyance was gone, replaced with absolute happiness. “As long as you come back.”
Kara kissed her again, letting them get reacquainted before pulling away. “You can count on me always coming back. Of that I can assure you.”
xx
Apparently Lena's confession of being in love with a straight girl meant nothing to Veronica who still hit on her nearly every day.
“I think you should go for it,” Jack proclaimed when Lena finished complaining about it. “What do you have to lose? Your crush on Kara?”
No, Kara in general, she wanted to say. Losing Kara would literally break her.
“I don't know,” she simply shook her head. “I just don't like her like that.”
“She's beautiful, she’s confident, she's nice, and she's gay,” Jack listed off. “Just try it. No one’s saying you have to fall in love, but give her a chance.”
She could tell Jack wasn't going to drop the subject, so she shrugged him off. “I'll think about it.”
“She'd be good for you,” he reiterated. “Really good for you.”
But no matter how good, Kara was better. There wasn't a doubt in Lena's mind that Kara would always be better.
xx
As Lena sat with Kara in her bedroom, she couldn't help but let her mind spin with thoughts of how different things would be if she was dating someone who was out of the closet. How different would things be if she could call someone her girlfriend in public? How different would her entire life be if she could be honest with the world? If she could stop living lie after lie?
But one look at Kara and all those questions went away. None of that mattered, because doing that meant no Kara. And she wouldn't be whole without Kara.
xx
“So,” Veronica chatted with her before the bell rang. “It's my weekly check-in. Would your answer still be no if I asked you on a date?”
Lena looked down, then back up, the answer written on her face.
Veronica was obviously trying not to look disappointed, but regardless some seeped through her expression of indifference. “I guess I'll ask again next week.”
“Veronica–”
“It's fine,” she promised. “The pretty girls are always the challenging ones. I believe you're worth the fight.” There was silence for a moment, then an additional comment. “Must be one hell of a straight girl, though.”
That she was.
xx
When she mentioned Veronica again, Kara's face fell. It was cold and they were sitting in a park on the outskirts of town. They plopped down on a patch of grass as Lena nervously picked at it, pulling strands out of the hard winter ground.
“I don't know how to tell her why I'm saying no,” Lena explained. “I just feel so bad. She's just gonna keep asking only for me to keep saying no, and I want her to understand purely so she’ll back off.”
Kara nodded, looking at the ground as Lena kept ripping the grass apart. “I see.”
“I wish I could just tell her about you,” Lena sighed. “Don't worry, I know why I can't. It'd just make things so much easier.”
“I know. I'm sorry.”
She looked up at Kara and gave a small smile. “It's not your fault.”
Kara held their eye contact, then faced the ground. Her words were spoken with a delicacy that was unheard of. “Is this too complicated for you right now?” She gathered her composure, then faced Lena again. “Are the secrets too much?”
“I want you,” Lena was confident and firm. “The only person I want is you.”
“I know,” Kara promised. “But that doesn't mean our relationship isn't too much to handle. We’re just seventeen. I don't want to over complicate your life.”
Lena stared past Kara's shoulder at the clouds, unsure how to answer anymore. A month ago she would've sworn they weren't that complicated, but now she was wishing more and more that Kara would just come out. Half of her knew the rationale behind her not doing so, but the other half so selfishly wanted to stop lying to everyone. This huge part of her life was stowed away from the world, and the longer it went on the more she realized how much it sucked. She just wished things were different. She wished Kara could be who she was.
“I just think we might be at different places with our sexuality,” Lena explained. “I just hate the secrets.”
Kara's nod was slow as tears came to her eyes. “Yeah. I know. Me too.”
“But I love you!” Lena quickly proclaimed. “I love you more than anything. I don't know what to do with that.”
There was a heavy silence between them, then Kara spoke up. “Maybe it's time to press pause on us.”
Lena's head snapped to look at her. Her gut dropped at the insinuation. She didn't know what she wanted to do, but she knew she didn't want to do that.
“What?”
Kara shrugged, biting her lip and quickly wiping a tear before it could fall. “I don't want to hold you back from living your life.”
“You aren't!” Lena was protesting without hesitation. “You're the best thing in my life, Kara. I swear on it!”
“Right. But I'm also holding you back from things you really want to have. Like a public relationship. And the freedom to be who you are – to tell the truth.”
Lena was quiet, wishing that weren't true. She wanted to fight it, but she did want those things. She accepted being with Kara meant not having them, though – and she wanted to be with Kara. Being with Kara was worth the sacrifice. She'd do anything if it meant being with Kara.
But right now anything didn't seem to be enough.
“Are you breaking up with me right now?”
Kara pressed her lips into a thin line, meeting Lena's eyes. Neither of them bothered to try to hide their tears. “You need to be who you are, Lena.”
Lena’s breath caught in her throat. Her bottom lip quivered. She felt like world was closing in on her. “What about you?”
“We’re at different places. You're right,” Kara admitted. “I'll get there eventually.”
“You’re really doing this?” It felt like someone was stabbing her over and over, and all she could do was let them. “You're ending what we have?”
Kara opened her mouth, then hesitated before answering with definitiveness. “I have to. You might love me, but you need to be yourself, and I'm not letting you do that. You're lying to everyone, you're keeping things from Jack, and I can't show you off the way you deserve to be shown off… It's not fair to you.”
“You're the very best part of me,” Lena fought, wishing this could stop, wishing it were a bad dream.
Kara looked down, then slowly nodded. “Maybe so. But I can't hold you back from being yourself.”
“Please, Kara. Don't do this,” she was flat out begging. “Don't do this.”
She watched Kara close her eyes, then take a deep breath, then open them to stare at her apologetically. “I need to be selfless with you. Even if it means hurting the both of us for a little while.”
Lena didn't want this. She didn't want this at all. “I can't change your mind?”
“Maybe one day when I'm out things will be different,” Kara offered. “But that's not right now. It might not be for a long time – I honestly don’t know. But I do know that you deserve someone who doesn't have to hide you.”
Lena looked down, shaking her head with anger and despair. “I love you, Kara.”
“I know. I love you too,” she promised. “I wouldn't be giving you up if I didn't.”