Chapter Text
Falling Apart, and Falling Fast
by: Kansas J. Miller
Pairing(s): CJ/Josh
Rating: TEEN
Summary: CJ and Josh fall together, like they always do.
**
Donna was tired. No, scratch that. She was exhausted, exhausted
beyond the point of numbness, beyond the boundaries that normally kept her
together. As she sat at her desk, staring into nothing, thoughts ran
unchecked in her mind. Thoughts of work, of Josh, swirling and
uncontrolled, random snippets of memory flooding in and out of Donna's
brain. She'd never seen him this way before, and even though he was hiding
his frustration well, Donna wasn't sure how soon he might break.
It was a screw up; they'd all screwed up and they'd all do it again
before the next three years would pass. It was the punishment, Donna
figured, the fact that Leo had taken his faith elsewhere. Angela Blake. She
wasn't Josh, but she was doing his work, and Josh knew what that meant.
Donna knew it, too, and she wondered for how long her boss would accept
Leo's grudge.
"You know it's almost midnight, right?"
Donna shook out of her rambling thoughts to see CJ leaning against
the bullpen wall. Running her hand through tousled blonde hair, Donna
sighed and rolled her eyes. "I know. I'm just."
"I know," CJ murmured, instantly looking older than her years. "We
all are."
Donna nodded, noticing CJ's blank stare. She knew what CJ had been
going through lately; they had all been fighting their own battles. Donna's
breath suddenly caught in her throat. There had once been a time when they
would fight their battles together, as a team. It was falling apart, and
falling fast.
Donna stood up, pushing herself away from the desk. "I should call
Josh. Make sure he got home okay. He was a little out of it when he left."
CJ spoke softly as Donna reached for the phone. "He got home okay.
He's at my place. I actually just came back to get his overcoat. It's going
to be cold this weekend."
Donna tried not to look surprised as she met CJ's eyes. It was only
now that she noticed Josh's coat folded over CJ's arms. "He's at your
place?"
"I caught him in the parking lot, and you're right. He was a little
out of it."
Donna swallowed. She knew the way CJ and Josh were, the way they had
always been. It was off and on, on and off, on again, then off before
anyone could ever tell the difference. It had been years since they had all
stopped asking questions. But Donna still questioned, always wondered why
they seemed to gravitate towards each other and move away just as quickly.
Was it just sex? Was it for comfort during the hard times? Were they each
other's filler during the lonely periods? Or was it something real,
something that didn't need boundaries or restrictions?
Donna cleared her throat, realizing that she'd been silent for too
long. "I thought you said he'd never come to you."
"When did I say that?" CJ was quick to respond, her tone a bit
sharper than she'd intended.
Donna raised her eyes, now wide from the dull fear of confrontation
with CJ. "After the birthday party. In the Mural Room.when we were talking.
You said he'd never come to you."
CJ snorted softly, the sharpness in her voice gone. She rested her
hand on her hip and stared down at the expensive wool of Josh's coat. "He
comes to me for different things. It's complicated, Donna," she announced,
suddenly grabbing Donna's eyes with her own. "We're complicated."
Donna nodded, wishing she were drunk. She bit the inside of her
cheek, hoping she might bleed. The last time she'd had this discussion, it
had been with Amy and the beer had made it so much simpler. Donna twisted
her mouth and pushed forward. She had to know. "CJ, what exactly."
"Are we?" CJ interjected wryly, finishing the question. Shaking her
head casually, the taller woman looked almost ready to chuckle. "You know
what we are. Josh and I..we're just two people, Donna. Two people that
somehow always end up in the same bed."
Donna nodded, not really understanding but wanting to pretend.
"Comfort sex?"
The look on CJ's face startled Donna; maybe she shouldn't have said
it so bluntly, so honestly. CJ was shaking her head, not angrily, but not
complacently. "You've wanted him for years, Donna. When are you going to
make your move? When are you going to go and get him? He's crazy about you
but he doesn't know it yet, and he's not ever going to figure it out until
someone tells him," CJ blurted out, her eyes strong and her face hard.
Donna felt stunned in place. "Then why do the two of you.why do you
let him."
"I don't know, Donna, I don't know. It's just what we've always
done," CJ said quietly, holding Josh's coat tightly to her body. She
glanced around the dim and quiet bullpen, and then back at Donna. "I've got
to get going."
Donna didn't move until CJ had disappeared from the bullpen, her
heels just tiny clicks against the tile as she headed out into the lobby.
As the door swung closed, Donna felt heaviness in the pit of her stomach,
and she moved to gather her things. Dressed warmly in her coat, and with
her bag packed and ready, Donna switched out the last light illuminating
the area. Darkness fell over the bullpen, and Donna stood in the still,
black silence, waiting for the pain in her chest to pass. CJ's words were
echoing in her head, jumbling her thoughts together like crashing waves
against rock. When was she going to make her move? When was she going to go
and get him? Donna wondered if she even could at all.
The sudden realization fell over Donna with sadness. It wasn't her that he
went to, it was CJ. It had always been CJ, and it always would be. Even if
Josh was not the man for CJ, and even if CJ was not the woman he loved, it
was there just the same, anytime they wanted, needed another person.
Donna smirked and began to walk, wondering if she might not come back on
Monday. It was a glamorous thought, though slightly childish, and it began
to grow in Donna's mind. She'd leave it all behind, Josh and CJ, and the
rest of them. She'd leave them to their own devices, leave them to each
other. It might be what they deserved, what they all had coming in the end,
anyway.
Reaching her car, Donna unlocked it and slipped inside, thinking about
getting a tank of gas and her suitcase. As she navigated out of the White
House parking lot, she began to drive home through the familiar streets.
The route would take her right past CJ's apartment, and even though she
swore she would not look, Donna couldn't help but glancing up at the
glowing building. Third floor, third window, curtains pulled tight and a
soft light on inside. Something pulled her eyes away, and harshly Donna
pressed the accelerator, sped past, and thought about where she might be by
Monday.