Work Text:
Tired
by: Liza C.
Character(s):Josh, Donna, CJ
Pairing(s):Josh/Donna
Category(s):Post-Ep for No Exit
Rating: YTEEN
Disclaimer: Please don’t sue, I'm just having some not for profit fun with the characters
Summary: A post-ep for No Exit, what might have happened if Donna had stayed rather than walking away
Spoiler: No Exit
"Donna!" His bellow could be heard through the entire West Wing. "Donna!"
Totally unresponsive, she sat in the bullpen staring straight in front of her. She was mad. She was mad at CJ, she was mad at Josh, but mostly she was mad at herself… because CJ was right. She stayed because of Josh. She didn't date or have sex because of Josh. It was true. She could think of nothing that would defend or justify it and make it not true. For years she'd put her whole life in his hands… and in the process had taken care of his life instead of her own.
It wasn't something she'd done consciously. It was a given that she didn't want to leave Josh, but she never allowed herself to think about why. In the same way she didn't think about why she didn’t want to date. Like tonight, she'd rather stay with Josh than go have drinks with some other guy, even if it meant coming back to work. Wasn't it a good thing to be devoted to your job… to your boss?
She felt humiliated, exposed, but mostly horrified… CJ knew. And if CJ knew that meant other people knew too. The whole White House was probably aware of how she felt about her boss. How she would pathetically sacrifice everything for him. In the past she might have tried to comfort herself by saying other people didn't get it. They didn't get Josh and Donna. They didn't understand their dynamic. But maybe it was Donna who didn't understand. Who were they? Were they boss and assistant… or friends… were they more?
It came down to choices and what she wanted. What did she want? Deep down she knew… had always known… had always held out hope. But her hopes were fading; she was beginning to think that she couldn’t have what she wanted. Five and a half years in the White House and it hadn't happened yet. Five and a half years of taking the professional, because she couldn't have the personal. Five and a half years seemed to suggest that it wasn't going to happen and obviously CJ didn't seem to think it would happen either.
How had she let it get this far? Again? Her entire life revolved around a man. She had to make a change. She knew it as truth… and that made her absolutely sick.
"Donna," He was behind her now and speaking in a normal decibel level, "Didn't you hear me calling for you?"
Slowly she turned around in her chair to face him. She just nodded slowly at him, her stomach in knots.
"Then why didn't you come?" He didn't wait for an answer and if he noticed her mood he showed no sign of it, "I'm so sick of these false alarms. They've got to do something about it. We can't be trapped in here every time an indicator malfunctions." He looked at her and smirked, "But that Commander Harper is a real ball of fire."
When that failed to illicit the desired response or any response at all for that matter, he stared at her intently, "What's wrong?"
"Tired."
He continued, "Apparently my joke hit a little too close to home, that's why it was cut." He tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't look at him. "Seriously, are you sick or something?"
"I'm tired." She repeated.
"Yes you said… okay then go home." He started to walk away but turned back, "Are you okay getting-"
"I'm tired of this." She cut him off raising her voice slightly.
"Of what?" He asked warily, walking back over. Finally he was getting a clear read on her mood.
"Why did you tell me I'd be reporting back to you and Toby on what happens on the Codel?"
"What?"
"I'm on the press detail." She stated it as a matter of fact.
"This is an opportunity for you." He knew he was going to have to have this conversation with her, but he didn't want to… hadn't wanted it earlier on the phone, didn't want it now.
"An opportunity to make copies and distribute them in the Middle East instead of here, which is fine… I'll take it, but why did you lie to me."
"Donna…" He sighed.
"Why, Josh?"
"I do want you to report back to me."
"But you made it sound-"
"What do you want from me?" He interrupted raising his voice.
"I can't believe you misled me in the same breath that you lamented making promises you couldn't keep, what I want is the truth."
"The truth is I went out of my way to get you on the Codel, and it's going to be very inconvenient for me so a little appreciation-"
"Inconvenient?" She interrupted.
He stopped and looked at her, "Yes, it's going to be inconvenient not having you here."
"Hmm… I guess while I'm gone you'll have to walk the 15 feet from here to CJ's office to deliver the fishing rod yourself. That IS inconvenient."
"Donna," He rolled his eyes, "You're my assistant, you assist me… that is what you do. If you're not happy-"
"I'm not happy." She interjected quietly, looking past him.
"Then get another job." He was angry now.
She nodded sadly. "Right, okay as my boss, someone who is interested in my professional development… should I look here or somewhere else?"
"Donna, I didn't mean…" At one time she would have been gratified to see the fear she now saw in his eyes. "I don't… I don't want you to leave me."
"That is becoming evident… I wouldn't be leaving you. I'd be leaving the job."
"Same difference."
"No, it's not, Josh, and that's the problem."
"I am the job… and I need you." He was sounding desperate now.
"I know you do." She gave him a weak smile, "But right now this is about what I need."
He threw his hands in the air, "What do you want me to say? I'll say it."
Standing up she grabbed her coat and purse before turning to stare at him. She searched his face for several interminable moments and almost faltered when she saw his apprehension.
"What I want you to say…" She trailed off and then shook her head as if to shake off the thought. "Josh, this isn't working for me anymore." She gave him a half smile and then simply walked away.
He stared after her, his mouth gapping as he watched her disappear down the hall. His mind raced and the acid churned in his stomach. What in the hell just happened? Not an hour ago they'd been two people looking good in formal wear, laughing and joking. And now she was going to leave him.
Fact was he'd spent his entire adulthood trying to avoid loss and now it hit him, once again, that he had no control over it. That no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried to hang on to something, he was going to lose what was most important to him.
He'd felt her restlessness, usually he tried to ignore it until it came to a head and he couldn’t disregard it anymore. Without a doubt there had been more moments of tension between the two of them lately, then there'd been during the entire time they'd been working together. Obviously, he knew that that wasn't a good sign, but he hadn't realized it was this serious. He felt like he'd been hit by something beyond his control… run over by a train he didn't known was coming.
What had she meant, it wasn't working for her anymore? What in the hell did that mean? What exactly wasn't working for her? Her job? Her life? Working for him? Had she just quit? His mind raced but didn't come up with any answers.
Josh wasn't aware of how long he stood there staring at her desk. It might have been five minutes… it might have been fifty. Lost in thought, he was oblivious to the people who occasionally moved through the bullpen removing all evidence of the earlier lock down.
"Oh Josh," CJ stopped short when she spotted him on her way out of the building. "You're still here."
Still in his own world, he didn't turn around.
"Josh?" She said louder.
"Hmm." He finally looked over, "Oh… CJ… I didn't see you… what are you still doing here?"
"I was just-"
"Weren't you supposed to be on your way to the wilderness… with what's his name?" He interrupted.
"Ben?"
"So?" He turned to face her now.
"Cancelled it."
"Oh…why?"
She looked at him like he was crazy. "We were just crashed. Remember, I talked to you, you were stuck with the new NSA deputy."
Yeah." Josh looked distractedly back over his shoulder as if he was hoping someone would appear.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked taking note of his preoccupied demeanor. He was still wearing his tux, save for the bowtie, but his face was pale and expressionless.
"Huh?" He turned to her clearly not listening.
"You… what's wrong with you? Why are you so distracted? Who are you looking for?"
He looked around once again, "Um… nothing… we… I just… I had… Donna..." His speech was jumbled and he was making no sense. Except to CJ, to her, he made perfect sense.
"Ohhhh…" She said it with a slow nod like she was finally gaining insight to a long posed question. "You talked to Donna?"
"Yeah." He looked away from her and back down the hall at the place he'd last seen her.
"What did she say?"
"I think… I'm not sure… she might be leaving."
"Oh." This time she said it with surprise.
He turned to face her, finally snapping out of his haze. He eyed her with a puzzled expression, then it began to click and he went directly from confused to suspicious, "Wait… you were locked in your office with Donna during the crash…"
CJ glanced down before meeting his questioning gaze with assurance, "Yes."
He advanced on her, his face no longer pale, his voice taunt. "So… tonight I came back from the Correspondents dinner with a very happy, cheerful Donna… then she's locked in a room with you for 45 minutes and now..."
"What?" CJ raised an eyebrow at him.
"She's not so happy anymore."
CJ shrugged, but didn't meet his eye.
"CJ…" His tone held a warning.
She looked up, confident she hadn't done anything wrong. Trouble was she was pretty sure Josh wasn't going to see it that way, "What?"
"WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO HER!?"
CJ flinched, backed up two steps and looked around to see if anyone else had seen his outburst.
"Josh, why don’t you take it down about ten notches? It may be late but we're still in the White House."
"I don't give a damn where we are! What did you say to her?!" He was still loud but no longer yelling
CJ pointed to his office, "In there."
He didn't move, his face now the color of an under ripe tomato, "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me-"
"Josh, get in the damn office and we'll talk about it." She said it firmly leaving no room for debate.
He walked in and immediately started to pace in back of his desk. When she closed the door behind her, he watched her expectantly. The easy friendliness that was usually between them had vanished.
"Donna and I did… talk." CJ realized she'd probably been too blunt with Donna. But Donna needed to realize that she was putting her life on hold for a man that was never going give her what she needed.
"About what?"
"None of your business."
"You brought me in here to tell me it's none of my business?"
"Yes."
"WHY!?" His voice was raised to just one notch above a bellow.
"So when you shouted again we would be in here and not making a scene in the middle of the bullpen."
"CJ, so help me God, right now, I'm hanging on by a very short, very frayed rope."
"Then tell me what's going on. What did she say to you?" CJ asked with perfect calm.
"She's unhappy with her job; I think she may have quit." He sounded defeated as he leaned against the wall.
"Quit?" She looked stunned. "She quit?"
"Well she didn't give me her notice, but her intent was pretty clear."
She shook her head and in so doing tried to shake off the guilt she felt creeping up on her. It wasn't her fault if Donna had done something rash. In any case, sometimes you needed a push to act in your own best interest. "If Donna is upset, it's your own fault. You're the one who lied to her… told her she was going to the Codel to report back to you and Toby."
"Yes, I did tell her that. What in the hell did you tell her!?" Josh glared at her through narrowed eyes and rested his hands on his hips.
CJ met his glare with her own, "The truth! That you sold her a bill of goods, that it would be Fitz reporting back to you and Toby and that she would be on press detail."
"I'm gonna say something that shouldn't be a surprise to you CJ, but sometimes you're not in the loop. You don't know what I know." His tone was steely.
"I know you took the one and only White House slot on this Codel away from one of my Assistant Press Secretaries and gave it to Donna, I'm guessing to placate her."
"Is that what this is about? I bumped one of your staffers for one of my staffers? Well guess what, I can do that. Deal with it. Do you not want Donna to have this opportunity?"
"What opportunity?" She looked incredulous.
"What opportunity?! Going to the Middle East as part of a Congressional Delegation."
"You're kidding yourself Josh. She wants to do more; you don't want to lose your assistant so you throw her a meaningless bone-"
"Meaningless bone? Have you gotten so high and mighty that you can't imagine that being on a high profile trip to the Middle East would be an exciting thing for Donna? And you just said it yourself; the White House has one slot. Toby and I discussed it we thought it would be a good idea to send someone we trusted who could let the two of us know what's going on directly." He turned away from her, "Why am I even talking about this with you? It's none of your damn business."
"You're right. It's none of my business. Trust me; I don't want it to be my business." CJ sounded tired.
He turned on her. "You made it your business when you convinced Donna that this Codel is beneath her and now she wants to leave me."
"Her wanting to leave isn't all about the Codel, Josh. It's about her wanting more and you holding her back."
"Holding her back?" He threw his hands in the air, the concept obviously not resonating with him at all. "She takes meetings for me; she's my representative in any number of high-level situations… She is the most trusted member of my staff, my go-to person on everything. She has more responsibility than any other Senior Assistant in the building."
"Exactly."
"What?" He eyed her suspiciously, surprised to hear her agreeing with him.
"She's had the responsibility and she's proven herself. Why hasn't she moved up? She is way past answering your phones and setting your schedule."
"Did you not hear me? That's not all she does!"
CJ shook her head at him, "I understand, it's perfectly natural, you don't want to lose your loyal hard-working assistant who is devoted to you… too devoted to you."
"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked much more quietly, but with a dangerous edge still in his voice.
"It's supposed to mean that… that her relationship with you is unhealthy. Her entire life is structured so that you are her central focus." CJ was trying to make him understand without talking out of turn.
"That's not true…"
"Think about why she came back here with you tonight." CJ challenged.
"Why wouldn't she come back here?" He said it like the thought of someone not wanting to return to work made them a candidate for a nice long stay in a sanitarium.
"Oh, I don't know, to go home, have a life outside this place… get a drink with that reporter that asked her out."
"What reporter?!" He asked sharply.
"The new one from the Post-Intelligencer."
"This is about some gomer?! She could have gone with him, it would have been fine." However, the high pitch of his voice suggested that it would've been anything but fine.
"Would it? Because she doesn’t date, she doesn’t go out, she-"
He cut her off, "She does too; she dates all the time. I had to suffer her relationship with Commander Wonderful for two months."
"Commander Wonderful?" CJ looked at him with confusion for a moment, "Are you referring to Jack Reese?" He just looked back at her, "She dated him over a year ago, Josh. And do you even listen to yourself. What do you mean you had to suffer her relationship?"
"I mean…" He had no where to go, so he switched back to the offensive. "I just… I can't believe you would interfere in our lives."
"It's not "your lives," Josh. There's Josh's life and there's Donna's life. You're not a couple! She works for you, technically from 8am-6pm, 5 days a week. Other than that you have no other claim on her."
Josh looked like he'd been slapped. "I don't think I have a claim on her…" But he said it softly.
"You really do." She stated it emphatically.
"You know CJ…" He took a deep breath, "My thing with Donna works for me and up until an hour ago it worked for her too."
"Well apparently it's not working for Donna anymore." CJ sounded oddly triumphant.
"Are you jealous CJ?" He looked at her inquisitively.
CJ looked taken a back for a minute, "What? That's ridiculous. What do you mean?"
"Because you don't have a Donna?"
"You think I want a Donna?" CJ stifled a mirthless laugh.
"I think you might want someone you… I think you might want what Donna and I have."
"And what exactly is that, Josh?"
He had no idea. What did he have with Donna? Who was Donna to him? "Somebody…" Going nowhere he started again, "Have you ever had somebody who you could trust with your life, who you could always be sure had your best interests at heart? Who understood you so well that they could meet your needs without even having to speak?"
She just shook her head.
"Well I used to… thanks... for your part in taking her away from me."
CJ was silent for a moment before replying, "For the record, Josh, what you just described, those things, that's not the job of an assistant. Think about that." She had to admit she was surprised that Josh was just as far down the hole as Donna was… only he didn't seem to know it either.
He started gathering his stuff.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going over there. I have to convince her not to quit. At least not yet. Buy some time."
CJ grabbed his arm as he passed and he paused to give her a hard look. "Don't go over there tonight. Don't you see? That's part of the problem. Bosses don't go to their assistant's houses in the middle of the night."
"Why not?"
CJ heaved a sigh, "Just let her sleep on it and you can talk to her in the morning. Nothing is going to change between now and then."
He looked at her blankly for a moment and then started to walk out of his office.
"Josh." She said sharply.
He looked back.
"Goodnight." Her voice was pointed.
"Night." He muttered back before leaving.
***
It didn't usually take much to wake Donna from a sound sleep. Street noise, daylight, the man who lived next door and liked to sing show tunes… but nothing brought her more rapidly to consciousness than the sound of a ringing telephone. This morning, when the phone rang, her start was even worse than usual. At the shrill noise she bolted upright, her chest pounded and her breathing came in short gasps.
Pressing her arm across her body as if to keep her over-excited heart from leaping out of her chest; she looked over at the offending receiver lying on the nightstand. She'd brought the cordless into her bedroom last night. So when it rang, she'd been jarred awake in stereo, her bedroom phone on one side of her head and the cordless on the other. Vaguely she recalled carrying around the phone last night; she definitely remembered not being able to sleep. Surely she hadn't expected, or wanted, anyone to call that late… then it came back to her. She had expected someone to call.
She checked the digital readout of the alarm clock: 6:00 am. Groaning, she grabbed the cordless and collapsed back on the bed. Clicking the talk button she grunted, "It's early."
"Did I wake you?" There was a trace of surprise in his voice, as if he'd expected her to be wide-awake.
"It's 6am."
"So I did wake you?"
"Josh…"
"It's just… you're usually up by now."
"It's the weekend, and I only fell asleep a little bit ago."
"Oh." They were silent for several seconds. "Why are you out of breath?" His voice rang with alarm.
"The phone startled me awake."
"So you're alone?" His own breathing hitched; maybe she'd called the reporter after leaving the West Wing last night.
"Yes, of course I'm…" She paused as more of the previous night came back to her. "It's none of your business, Josh."
"Right." He sighed with relief, despite her rebuff. "So…"
"Yeah?"
"Um… you left last night… and… we have… don't you think we should talk?" Obviously, rehearsing what he was going to say had been time well spent.
"At 6am?"
"Well. Maybe… later… we can meet? I want to try and explain and… work this out."
"I'm not sure it can be worked out." She sat up and rubbed her eyes. "So why are you calling me so early?"
"I couldn’t sleep. And everything can be worked out. You're dealing with a master negotiator. This is where I live." He took a deep breath, as if he were just getting warmed up.
"Josh." She stopped him before he could launch into a list of his credentials as a problem solver. Even though she had no idea what she was going to say to him, she knew she at least had to hear him out. But in her heart, she knew the decision was made, nothing he could say would change her mind. "Yes, we can talk later… when do you want to meet?"
"Well… how about as soon as you can get to the front door?"
"You're at my front door?" She asked, surprised and fully awake now.
"No, I'm in my car." He had taken CJ's advice about waiting until morning, but he hadn't been able to sleep a moment all night. Finally at 5:30, he'd been unable to stand it any longer and had driven to her apartment.
"Where?"
"Parked out front."
"Doing what?"
"Huh?"
"What have you been doing?"
"Waiting for it to be late enough to call."
"For future reference, 6am is not late enough." She sighed and threw her legs over the side of the bed. "Let me put some clothes on and I'll be there in a minute."
"You sleep naked?" He asked as he exited his car and walked up her front steps.
"Josh…" She groaned.
"Sorry, take your time. I'll just be out here loitering… I think Mrs. Williams on the third floor is up already. She's looking-"
"I'll be right there." She threw the phone on the unmade bed and made haste into the bathroom to brush her teeth.
When Donna opened the door she found him looking disheveled in jeans and a sweatshirt. "So I think I figured out what happened last night." He walked past her into the living room without so much as a greeting.
"Come in… and since when are you a stalker?" She surveyed him more closely. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was sticking up, as if he'd run his hands through it dozens of times in the last few hours.
"I'm not a stalker. Stalkers don't call and, you know, announce their presence."
Eyeing him, she was filled with both anticipation and anxiety. Thinking that they might as well begin, she sighed, "Okay."
"Okay what?" He turned back to face her.
Donna looked at him and decided that if she was going to do this, coffee was a must. She started for the kitchen and Josh followed. "Okay, tell me what you think happened last night."
He inhaled sharply and began without preamble, "You believe that I have purposely held you back so that I don’t have to replace you."
"Hmmm," She nodded without looking at him while pushing the button on the coffee maker. "Is that what you think?"
"Well I think… that part of the problem is that I could never replace you." At his words she stopped what she was doing and met his eye. "I know that. I could find a new assistant, but he or she would never be able to replace you. So yes, I am reluctant to see you leave. I… I find you very valuable." He stopped to smile at her, before continuing earnestly. "Don't ever doubt that. And don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise or belittle your contribution."
She gulped and turned away under the guise of readying the coffee mugs. Blinking rapidly, she fought for control. He didn't need to see her eyes glisten at his words. It had been an emotional night and the last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Josh. She turned her thoughts to what CJ would think of her getting weepy because he tossed a few compliments her way… that cured her of her tears fairly quickly. She inhaled deeply and turned to level her gaze directly at him. "Why did you lie to me about my role on the Codel?"
"I don't feel like I lied. Yes, I put you on the Codel partly because you were bugging me for a trip, but mostly because it was a good fit. The only spot we have is on the press detail, and we made the determination to make the most of it by pulling the guy from CJ's office and putting you on it. I was serious, I expect you to report back to Toby and me on what's happening."
"What about Admiral Fitzwallace?"
"Basically, the President has asked him to baby-sit the delegation. He will be reporting to Leo and the President. Toby and I may or may not be privy to those briefings. That's why you're the one going." He paused to give her an anxious smile. "Even though, quite frankly, I'm not crazy about you spending two weeks in one of the most dangerous corners of the globe."
"Oh," she replied as she handed him a mug of coffee and he followed her to the couch.
"Yeah." They sat in silence for several long moments, before he spoke again. "So?"
"So what?"
"So does that address your concerns? We can figure out this thing about your responsibilities, maybe shift some of them. I don’t know, but we can find a way."
Her smile was bittersweet. The earnest way he was trying to keep her was tempting, but she had been shaken to her core last night. She was at a crossroads and it reminded her of another time in her life, when she could either stay put or get in a car and drive to New Hampshire… she knew what she had to do. "I… I don't think so, Josh. Thank you for saying what you've said, but I have to decide what the next step is…" She turned to meet his eye. "I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up."
"You look all grown up to me." He tried not to let his gaze drift from her face, but he couldn’t help but notice the grown up way she filled out her pink tank top and pajama pants.
"I'm serious. I can't be your assistant forever."
"I'm not talking about you being my assistant forever, I'm talking about you staying for now and we figure out the rest."
"There are other things at play here, Josh." She sat back against the couch again, afraid to look at him while they had this part of the conversation.
"Like what?" He asked anxiously. CJ had made it clear that she thought Donna's personal life had taken a beating because she worked for him. He was determined to let Donna know that he wouldn't stand in her way if she wanted more of one. No matter… well, no matter what that meant.
She pressed her eyes closed for a minute as she looked for the way to say what she needed to say. "Why did you take me to the Correspondents’ Dinner last night?"
"I thought you wanted to go!"
"I did."
"So I took you. You wanted to go and I took you." He stated, not seeing the problem.
"But did it occur to you at any point to, you know, take a real date?"
"I didn't need a real date, I had you."
She turned to face him, her natural frown more pronounced.
"What?" He looked back at her, endearingly clueless.
"That's the problem." Her voice was soft.
"You didn't want to be my date?" He asked, trying to search her face. Had she wanted to go with someone else?
"No, I did."
"But?"
"Tonight I realized that I can't be your fake I-don't-have-a-real-date-so-I'll-take-my-trusty-sidekick-Donna date anymore."
"You are making no sense right now."
She looked at him and gave a half-smile. "I know. And that is another part of our problem."
"What?"
"That you don't understand what our problem is. But, to be fair, I'm not sure I understood what our problem was until… recently."
He put his head down and muttered, "I should have hired a male assistant. You don't have these problems with a male assistant."
"Well, you're right… if you had a male assistant, he probably wouldn't be your back up date to black-tie affairs," she said tersely.
His lips quirked before he retorted, "Yeah, unless he was cute like the guy from the Post-Intelligencer."
Donna looked up at him, her brows furrowed in confusion, "What…"
"CJ told me he asked you out and you were upset that you had to come back to work with me instead of going out with him."
"You talked to CJ?" Her face flushed red and she spun the other direction on the couch so she wouldn't have to look at him. Her heart sank; she was absolutely horrified. The conversation she'd had with CJ was embarrassing enough, but if CJ had said those same things to Josh… then she absolutely wanted to die. Of course she was determined not to die until she was able to kill CJ first.
"Donna?" He leaned over trying to get a look at her. "If you wanted to go out with the reporter, instead of coming-"
"Josh, just go… I'm tired… just please go..." She begged in a soft voice as she leaned over her knees on the couch.
"What just happened?" He was rightly stunned.
The terror at the thought that Josh knew how she felt about him, knew why she revolved her life around him, started as a pit of shame in her stomach and grew exponentially with each passing moment, to the point that she was certain it was affecting her ability to breathe. It was certainly affecting her ability to speak.
"Donna?" He moved from the sofa to sit on the coffee table facing her, "What's wrong? Do you need something? Are you feeling okay?"
After realizing that he wasn't going to go away, she gathered her courage and looked up at him, "I was humiliated last night… and now… are you trying to humiliate me all over again?"
"I'm humiliating you?" Josh had no idea how he possibly could have humiliated her.
"No… yes… "
"Who humiliated you last night? Was it CJ?" He interrupted, his worry changing to anger. It was evident in everything from his voice to his posture.
"No… well, she said things to me, things that were true. It's just…" She saw how upset he was at her distress and fought an urge to comfort him. "It's just humiliating to realize that the entire executive branch probably thinks I'm some sort of pathetic boss groupie."
"What are you talking about?" He ran his hand anxiously through his hair.
"I don't have a life… you're my life and I'm your second choice… it's just… it's humiliating that everyone knows."
He looked at her like she'd lost her mind.
She searched for a way to make him understand without really having to say anything, "It's like tonight… at the Correspondents’ Dinner. You didn't have a date, but no problem because you can just take your always available, lonely, pathetic assistant."
"You think I think of you like that?" Josh squinted at her in disbelief.
"I can't do this anymore, Josh. I can't be your back up. I can't be the person who runs both your personal and professional lives right up until you find someone else to do it."
"What are you talking about? Who else would I find?"
"A wife." Her voice was unemotional. She took pride in that, because the thought of him getting married made her want to wretch.
His eyes went wide with panic, "Huh? Me? Married? What the hell are you talking about? I'm not even seeing anyone."
"I know. Neither am I."
"I… no... Donna… I-"
"Don't you get it? I'm a stand-in! I have all of the duties and none of the benefits. You and I, we're a dysfunctional co-dependent mess!"
"That's just psychobabble…" Josh said it evenly, but he felt anything but even. He knew he was getting in way over his head and that the water was continuing to rise.
"I talk to your mother on the phone when you're busy and when you're not; I'm your sounding board… the one who's supportive when you've had a bad day or when your career is imploding… and I'm the one who celebrates with you when you're victorious. I pick out your holiday gifts and your… I don’t know… your food… your ties… your everything." She took a deep breath, "And I'm the one who nurses you back to health when you're sick or… injured. It's weird!"
"It doesn’t feel weird." He murmured, his eyes never leaving hers. A picture was forming in his mind; a picture of his life with Donna in it and a picture of his life without Donna.
"I know it doesn't. It feels…." She didn't know how to finish that thought. "I don't know… but I know it's not normal."
"You're not a stand-in…" His voice was so soft that it was almost impossible to hear.
"What?" She asked her attention captured.
"You're not a stand-in." He said it louder this time.
She inhaled sharply and looked at him with raised eyebrows.
Suddenly it made sense. He slid back onto the couch next to her and she automatically turned towards him. He felt the blood rushing through his veins and his heart beat faster. "I took you to the Correspondents’ Dinner tonight, not because I can't get a date and not because I thought I was doing you a favor because you wanted to go... I took you because there is no one else I'd rather go with."
Donna felt the pit in her stomach shrink and then turn a somersault. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that my mother calls you because she wants to talk to the person I'm closest to, you're my sounding board because you’re the person I trust the most, and I celebrate with you because if I'm victorious, then you are at least half the reason why. And while you were, quite frankly, not that sympathetic the last time I was sick-"
"It was the sniffles!" She defended, but there was a catch in her voice.
"It was a very bad cold…" But he couldn't stop himself from smiling at the memory. Taking a deep breath he reached over and put his hand over hers, "As for the other thing… you were the one that took charge of my recovery, not because there was nobody else, but because you cared the most."
She knew it to be true and figured there was no need to deny it now. Her eyes glistened, but she didn't feel the need to hide it this time. "I do care the most."
"You're not a stand-in." He repeated.
"Then what am I?"
"You're…" He faltered and looked down at his hand clasping hers. "You're Donna and I'm Josh… we're Josh and Donna and we… need each other."
Donna finally got it, the significance of who they were to one another. It didn't matter what other people thought of them. She squeezed his hand and smiled; her eyes still bright with unshed tears, "We are Josh and Donna."
"So can we continue being them?" He looked at her hopefully.
Her smile turned rueful. "No… I have to find out who I am without you."
"Why?" His voice was quiet but desperate, and he felt a stabbing pain hit somewhere deep inside.
"Because I need… more. And I need to know if I can do it on my own."
"What does that mean?" It felt as if a vice were squeezing his chest.
"It means… what it means." She shrugged.
"Before you absolutely make up your mind, I want you to understand that nobody realizes what you do for me, how much you influence and inspire me. I know my contribution would have been very different if you weren't in my life. If CJ or anyone else said something to you to make you feel like your job is less than what it is, then I'm sorry, but… you've got to shake it off."
She reached up and touched his cheek with the back of her hand. "This isn't about what CJ said, this is about me… I can't shake it off anymore."
"So you're leaving?" He asked crestfallen, not able to meet her eye.
"Not until I have somewhere to go... because realistically I have bills to pay. But I can't stay indefinitely. After I get back from the Codel I'm going to seriously assess my options." Donna paused and looked over at him shyly and tried to catch his eye. "I know I said I have to do this on my own, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate your guidance or advice on my career."
He started grasping at straws, "Do you feel like you have to leave the White House, because there may be opportunities…"
She looked at him keenly. "No, I don't necessarily have to leave the White House."
"Oh." He looked stricken. "So it's just me you have to leave."
"Josh, me leaving you is a job thing … not a me leaving you thing."
Josh met her gaze. "I don't get it… what does that mean?"
"It means that once I figure out where I'm going in my career, then I think we should try and figure out why… why we need each other so much." She blushed, her voice barely above a whisper.
"But you just said you need to figure out who you are without me?" He studied her curiously, but he felt the pressure in his chest begin to release before she even answered.
"Professionally, Josh." She smiled at him.
"Ohhhh." He said as understanding finally dawned.
"Yeah." She nodded.
"So when you get back…" Josh's lips quirked upwards.
"We talk about the rest?" Donna's question was filled with hope.
"Yeah, more talking…" He grinned at her. "I guess I can live with that."
She tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn. "But for now I'm tired…"
"Me, too." He glanced around furtively.
"Yeah, I hear stalking can be exhausting." She stood up and looked down at him. "I'm going back to bed."
"Hey, I'm tired because it's almost 7am and I haven't slept yet and I was only out there 10 minutes before I called you." After he finished his defense he stood, looking nervous. "I should leave."
She smiled at him. "You don’t have to." She motioned to the couch. "You can stay here if you want."
"That's not weird?" He studied her.
"No, it is, but I don't care. It doesn’t feel weird."
Josh nodded. It really didn't.
THE END