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The morning after was peaceful, trying to be beautiful in it’s quiet appearance, and the image of it made Waverly want to burn the world down after she was done screaming her lungs out.
The dawn sky was streaked with orange and red, a horrible attempt to imitate the fiery mane Waverly loved to run her hands through when her girlfriend was laying with her head in her lap as she reviewed a case file from the couch. It had rained sometime in the night, so the valley grass was bright green and the red dirt turned to honey brown, soon to have the color fade and the dirt crack in the sun, as if the world was reminding her that all bright beautiful things lost their life at some point. With the songbirds singing, and the sun still casting colorful rays through the bedroom’s half closed blinds, the entire world is filled with life all around her, but Waverly refuses to leave the house-their house- because it’s a slap in the face for everything she’s lost.
She spent the whole night in their bed, wearing Nicole’s police academy hoodie while it still smelled like the deputy, turning a million different ways on the mattress as she sobbed and grabbed for the sheets, as if tethering onto them would give her control over something around her. But the bed was empty and cold, unfamiliar and much bigger than she ever remembered, and that kept her up all night.
When she finally pulled herself out of bed in the morning, she kept her eyes forward as she dressed. She didn’t dare chance a look at the spare uniforms neatly ironed and waiting to be worn on their hangers next to her Shorty’s shirts. She didn’t run her fingers over the simple and soft button downs Nicole wore on her days off, or her beloved high school letterman that Waverly stole a dozen times, and she didn’t dare touch the Stetson that sat on a shelf above the hanger rack, still waiting to be returned to its owner. Those things must remain untouched, her mind reasoned, they’ll be there for her when she comes back.
***
Grief was not a foreigner to Waverly Earp. When mama left, she was too young, confused and heartbroken all at once, knowing she was sad, but unable to explain why and how that was. When daddy died, she was angry and horrified, wanting to restore some kind of peace to her broken family, but was unable to do anything but cry and live and learn to cope with the trauma from that night. Willa had never been much family to her, but when she was snatched away from the little family she had left, as Daddy was being carried to his death, she knew she had lost her biggest sister and the one who was supposed to save them all in time. All she had was Wynonna, until Wynonna wasn’t there anymore, running towards a future far from Purgatory and far from a little sister that needed her. And now, Nicole, the one she’d chosen, was gone, just like everyone else in her family. Waverly didn’t know if she should cry or laugh or scream at the thought, that everyone who was supposed to love her, support her, protect her, had left her behind at one point or another.
Waverly cried and sobbed and choked on her own tears, until her throat was raw and no sound would come out, then she’d take shuddering breaths before doing it all again. She should’ve known Nicole wouldn’t stick around long. She was an Earp, after all, and they never got to keep good things.
***
Wynonna drank her feelings out. Doc didn’t cut her off at any point, because the bar was closed to locals, and he was drinking too. When Waverly surfaced a few days later to find Wynonna on the same stool for the fourth day, she knew she had to try to play hero.
“You can’t drink yourself away.”
“It’s a shame I’m so good at it then.”
“Wyn,-”
“I told you we all loved her. I wasn’t lying.” She laughed to herself, but it was a hollow sound. “She was the best of us, and didn’t deserve a damn thing that happened.” She paused for a moment, considering as she threw back her last shot lined up. “But she shouldn’t have been here. Beautiful things don’t belong in Purgatory.”
She slid off her seat onto unsteady legs, clutching the bartop for support as she finally met Waverly’s eyes. She swallowed once hard, but her voice still cracked and betrayed her. “I reckon you outta clear out too.”
***
Nedley was no help.
A week after the funeral, he showed up on the doorstep of what was once Nicole’s home, then their home, and now something that wasn’t a home at all. He brought the box of things that had been cleared out from her desk, filled with the little trinkets she had collected over time and stored in the safety of her drawers, a few different pictures-one of the gang all together at Shorty’s after a mission, one of her and her brother in matching ‘Haught’ letterman's at their high school graduation, and one of her and Waverly, the morning after their fifth date when Nicole decided to stay the night, when Waverly had turned over into her arms as they slept and absentmindedly pressed a kiss to the cop’s cheek, and Nicole managed to snap a picture in that perfect moment when it was just the two of them, holding each other, safe, without worry of responding to a mission, and completely in love. Nedley tipped his hat as he left the doorstep, not saying anything, and not having to since Waverly had seen the look in his eyes.
Waverly had to work up the courage to look farther into the box, but ultimately decided to because her heart needed something new of Nicole’s after thinking it would never see anything ever again.
She pulled out the photos first, and set them gingerly on the coffee table, aftering studying each one closely, remembering and smiling at two of the memories, and being thankful for the third. Next was a small stack of thick drawing paper, and the drawings on them made Waverly’s heart constrict and burst.
They were all decorated with colorful doodles, all of them reading ‘Thank you Officer Haught’ in very slanted and very childish handwriting. Nicole had gone to the elementary school the past fall to give a safety talk to the third graders, and came home gushing about getting thank you cards from the kids the following day. Waverly smiled and the crooked drawings of Nicole, all with bright orange crayon hair, and scribbled blue or black uniforms. While they were almost all scribbles, with almost incomprehensible handwriting, Waverly had seen they way Nicole would slowly open her desk drawer and pull them out, memorizing each one with a small smile, before safely tucking them back away again. When Waverly brought it up, Nicole sheepishly admitted that it made her feel like her job really did matter, despite being nowhere near as intense as Black Bladge missions. The thank you cards were her compensation for being a good cop, and they meant everything to the young officer.
Chuckling softly at the colorful doodles, Waverly gingerly set aside the thick paper, delving further into the box. Nicole hadn’t kept much at her desk, deciding instead to use the space in a more professional way, but a small moleskin journal - with thicker, slightly yellowing pages, with a wood crafted pen tucked between the gray cover and the red band keeping it closed tight, - caught Waverly’s eye. She’d only seen the journal a few times before, and hadn’t thought much of it. She’d seen it tucked in the top right hand drawer of Nicole’s desk, but hadn’t asked about it because they were still early on in their relationship and it looked personal. She’d seen it again on Nicole’s bedside table while she’d spent the night once, but Nicole’s wandering hands and mouth soon preoccupied her mind before she could ask. On the coffee table, on her work desk, in the glove compartment of the cruiser, the journal had followed Nicole around occasionally wherever she’d gone as both an officer and as a normal person.
Weighing it gently, Waverly briefly considered the consequences of opening the journal, but Nicole had always been completely open and honest in all aspects of their relationship, and she was desperate for something new of Nicole to love.
Gently opening the front of the book, she found a little note in a messy, boyish scrawl. ‘I know the family is pretty shit, but you’ll always have your brother. Aside from me, you’ve always been the best Haught. I love you, now and always. -Avi.”
There was no date, but Waverly knew that this must’ve been given to Nicole after she was all but thrown out of her home by her parents, and probably while she was still in college. Her brother, Avriel, had been the only one in the family to not turn their backs on her, and Waverly knew from the way Nicole had talked about him that he and his support meant more to her than she would ever say.
Turning the next page, she found a neat portrait, done in pen and with great care, of a boy with messy hair, big eyes, and a crooked smile. While she had only ever seen him in the few photos Nicole kept of her childhood and her past life, Waverly could identify the familiar nose and dimples that apparently pertained to the Haught family, and the letterman with Nicole’s hometown team insignia on the breast, near identical to her own save for the loss of the Captain armband on the right bicep. This was Avi, the only family Nicole had left, and the only boy she ever loved.
The next few pages were of him, one of him in his jersey, one of him with glasses on while he typed away at a laptop, and one of him just as he was, in casual clothing with light hair that wouldn’t stay managed and with kind, dark eyes, and a smile always playing on his lips. Nicole loved her brother, and it showed in the precise and clean lines of ink, in the first pages of a journal she kept tucked away.
Too engrossed to stop now, Waverly hungrily flipped the next page to find a familiar caramel skinned doctor, only this time in climbing gear and a happy expression, instead of a long dress with serious eyes. Shae’s drawings were a little messier, the line work not quite as clean, as if Nicole had rushed these a little more, not put as much thought into it. There was two more of her, one in a university sweater as she sat and studied with an intense and meticulous expression on her face, and the final of a grinning woman, her eyes alight with happiness and a possible lack of sobriety, as she proudly help up a hand with a small ring on it.
The drawing made Waverly a little jealous, thinking about how Shae got to experience this with Nicole, even if it was in a drunken haze, and then her stomach dropped, realizing she’d never get to experience it now.
Swallowing back the bile that rose in her throat at the thought of the love in her life whose body was cold and covered in a sheet in one of the lockers at the morgue still, she quickly moved on in the book.
Familiar faces started appearing, with familiar backgrounds and familiar expressions. The first one was naturally of Nedley, brows furrowed and hands crossed as he leaned forward at his desk. Next was of Xavier, back when he first came to Purgatory, tall and intimidating, his face set like stone and his hands clasped in a fist at his front. Then there was Doc, his eyes dark and his face half covered in shadow, a cigarillo in his hand as he looked like he couldn’t care less about anything in this world. These drawings were exact and melancholy, the only color appearing in these black and white drawings present in the shadows across the serious figures.
But by the time she turned the next page, now to a Wynonna with a donut in one hand and peacemaker in the other, one eyebrow raised in a cocky smirk as she leaned back in her chair with her feet on the desk, there was a life in these pages now. There wasn’t much consideration for clean linework, so they were just a bit messy, but familiar all the same. Then there was Jeremy, with one earbud in as he grinned warmly and almost apologetically from behind the screen of his desktop Mac. There was a new Doc and Dolls, almost leaning against each other as they stood side by side, Henry’s eyes much warmer now and a small smile pulling at the corner of Xavier’s mouth. There was a revised Nedley, now as a tired but caring old man at his desk chair, with a smiling Lonnie behind him. There was even a bust of Chrissy, all high ponytail and kind eyes. There was more of Wynonna and the rest of the gang, warmer now and more intimate, the pen strokes exact but natural, and suddenly Nicole’s time in Purgatory came much clearer to Waverly now.
There was one blank page before a new world of Nicole Haught was unveiled before Waverly’s eyes.
They were all of her.
There were pages of Waverly working at Shorty’s, head bowed and slightly turned away to reveal an intricately traced long braid. There were some of Waverly at the station, now side profiles that highlighted the delicate curve of her nose and the sharp angle of her jaw. As she flipped through the pages further, she found Nicole’s drawings of her in domestic and familiar settings, as her face started becoming clearer and more open to Nicole.
By the time she got to the point where Nicole had been able to trace the entirety of her face, she found scenes she faintly remembered from the beginning of their relationship, when they were both a bit apprehensive with each other, both afraid to ruin everything. There was Waverly lying on the couch in their house with a book open in her lap and her hair in a messy bun. There was Waverly in Nicole’s academy sweater. There was Waverly pouring over a laptop with furrowed eyebrows. There was even just bright, smiling Waverlys. Pages of Waverly with all different emotions and in different places. There were pages that just had her eyes and her mouth and her nose and her hands, copied a thousand times over and over again in an attempt to get them perfect. There were precise portraits where the features were meticulously drawn, trying to capture every piece of her figure in precise detail and clean lines. Then there was sketches that weren’t clean, that she had obviously copied down in haste. Ones with Waverly wrapped up in the sheets of their bed as she slept, talking amicably as she drove her jeep, ones with Waverly leaning across the main desk at the station, gazing at her lover with those eyes.
Nicole had drawn Waverly in all the unimportant little moments where she hadn’t felt beautiful or important but Nicole drew her like she was the only thing that mattered in the world.
Wynonna and the rest of the Black Badge were all drawn in delicate but familiar pen strokes, laughing and talking and leaning against each other in the domestic scenes in between chasing down their enemies, when they just let themselves be a small and ramshackled family.
All the people that Nicole loved came to life on the thick paper of a little journal she kept hidden away.
Waverly begrudgingly turned the final page to close the book and bind it closed again, but a small and tightly folded piece of paper fell out and into her lap. Carefully opening it, Waverly let the words written inside in a neat and familiar handwriting stop her heart.
‘My dearest Waverly,
If you’re reading this, you’ve found my journal, and probably feeling a bit guilty for going through it. Don’t. I don’t mind. I’m sorry I kept this away from you, but it wasn’t because I was ashamed of it. I sketched you in all the moments you didn’t think anyone was looking, because I thought you looked beautiful then. It’s okay if you want to show the others this, and it’s okay if you want to keep this to yourself. I kept it private because I wanted to fill it up first. I realized when I was halfway through that this would probably be a great gift to give you, and that was my intention.
However, if for whatever reason, this doesn’t become your gift and this note isn’t replaced with a love letter to you, let this journal be my love letter. It’s not much, but I hope you can understand that these moments were everything to me. I hope you love these messy scribbles just like I loved you, Waverly Earp.
Yours always,
Nicole.’
Finally letting gasping sobs take over her chest, Waverly pulled the journal closer to her chest, but smiled all the same because she’d fallen in love all over again with Nicole Haught.
***
The ride to the hospital couldn’t’ve been quick enough. Waverly sprinted through the halls into a small room, and all but threw herself at the bedside of the only lover she’d ever truly wanted.
“Hey babe.” Nicole croaked from the bed, her face damp with sweat, but voice gentle nevertheless.
Fretting and muttering prayers to the thousands of deities she’d read about, Waverly’s hands cupped her girlfriend’s face, surveyed the paleness that hadn’t been there before. “Waverly, I need you to listen to me please.”
“No, Nicole, save your strength. This is just like last time. It’s gonna be fine.”
“Waverly…” Nicole’s quiet rasp made Waverly’s hands freeze and her blood run cold. “We both know this isn’t like last time.”
Waverly tried to argue, tried to convince her otherwise, but she knew that it would be in vain. There wasn’t a witch to run too for an antivenom. There wasn’t a curse to reverse this time. Nicole was slipping away from her, and there was nothing anybody could do. The sob slipped out of her throat before she could stop it.
“Nicole, I’m so sorry.” Waverly moved her hands to her lover’s scalp, softly crying now, gently running her hands through the way she knew Nicole loved and always lulled her to sleep more peacefully.
“Hey, don’t be sad, alright? It’s okay, I promise.” A sad smile graced Nicole’s lips even as the color in her eyes seemed to darken and begin to fade. “I don’t regret it, you know? I chose this life and I’m so happy I had it. This life was worth it because you made it that way, love. So don’t cry now, please. Smile with me, because I don’t regret the choices I made to get me here. Waverly Earp, you were the best part of me, and you made everything worth it. I love you, and I always will.” She stopped, collecting her breath as she laid her head back against the pillows. Smiling the smile she reserved for Waverly, she took a breath. “Take your time darling, I don’t mind waiting.” It was only after her eyes closed that her smile faltered, and her grip on Waverly’s hand finally went completely slack.
The entire world was quiet for a few seconds, before something halfway between a sob and a scream tore from a young lover’s lungs and sliced through the air, echoed in the hospital’s halls, and then all was finally silent.
***
The funeral was held on a cold Tuesday morning. The entire police force came in uniform, the boys of Black Badge in suits, and Wynonna in her leather jacket with a black shirt underneath.
Most of the town-the good, not supernatural citizens-came to the reception, dropping flowers, home cooked meals and condolences for the chosen family that stayed at the fresh gravesite long after they’d already put the casket in the ground.
Jeremy was the first to leave, choking out a harsh sob as he tried to apologize before he turned and fled. Chrissy followed. Nedley pulled his hat off his head and turned it slowly in his hands, quietly sighing “It wasn’t supposed to be this way, kid.” to the grave, and turning to walk away, knowing the force would follow. Wynonna was next, interlacing her fingers with Waverly’s and squeezing hard, dropping a kiss to her cheek as an apology. She turned before anyone could see the tears stream down her face, but the remaining trio knew they were there. Xavier nodded his respect at the ground, then turned and left so Wynonna wouldn’t be alone.
Waverly hadn’t moved, barely breathed at all, since stopping in front of the grave. Henry’s voice was ragged, because his bright old eyes were full of tears too. “I know what it’s like to lose those you love most. I never had someone like Nicole, but I did lose my mother and my best friend, and my daughter in a way as well.”
He stopped to swallow down the lead in his throat so he could finish. “You never fully heal. But you’ll get better in time. It’s probably gonna take a long time, but we’ll all be there to help you along the way. We all loved Ms. Haught.”
“I still love her. I’ll never stop.” Because Henry was still quiet, Waverly couldn’t stop the words that poured out of her now. “She used the last of her strength to tell me she loved me. She used her last breath to tell me she’d wait for me. And I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to tell her I love her too. How fucked up is that, Henry?”
“I don’t think you had to.”
“But I love her.”
“She knew.”
Waverly closed her eyes, and accepted her broken heart, her tears falling from once bright eyes, and the biting cold of a Tuesday morning.
***
When Waverly’s eyes opened, all she felt was sun on her face.
Surrounding her were tall mountains, framed by rolling green hills and meadows all colors of the rainbow, birds nestled in trees softly sang, and ahead of her, a familiar figure sat on a park bench with her back to her.
Sensing an arrival, the figure turned, her short red hair blowing slightly in the wind, and she smiled. She stood and faced the newcomer, wiping her hands on her jeans as she dipped her head before she smiled a smile Waverly had missed for so long. “Welcome home, love.”
Waverly felt her stomach drop, her heart fly into her throat, as she started stepping forward, then running forward and falling into the taller woman’s arms.
She stayed there for a second, letting Nicole hold her tight against her own body, as she just looked into the familiar green and honey brown eyes that bursted with life. Then, she was reaching tentative hands to cup Nicole’s face, run her thumb over her lip, memorize every piece of skin all over again. After confirming to her fragile heart that yes, Nicole was here, real and breathing and full of so much life, she surged forward and Nicole met her halfway and they were kissing after so long of being away from each other. Waverly had one hand tangled in soft tendrils of red hair, her other hand gripping the collar of Nicole’s blue button up, grasping and pulling her impossibly closer, afraid she’ll fly away again. Nicole kept her hands planted firmly on Waverly’s waist, gripping tightly and keeping her close, anchoring them both to the ground.
When they pulled away, tears started rolling down Waverly’s face as she connected their foreheads and let herself breathe after almost a century of having no air in her lungs at all. Nicole smiled again, one that was all dimples and all for Waverly, and kept holding her close.
“I take it you’re happy?”
Waverly nodded and Waverly smiled and littered Nicole’s face with kisses, the way she hadn’t gotten to do properly enough times while they were still together on Earth.
“That’s our house right there.” Nicole nodded towards the large white ranch house overlooking a blooming lilac and yellow meadow, with the a tree out front and a tool shed peeking out from the back. Whereas the homestead was old and carried an air of melancholy death, this house was open and radiated a feeling of warmth and comfort that could only be rivaled by Nicole’s arms.
“I know you’re not too big on empty white houses, so I figured you could help me decorate and paint it, so it’s exactly how you want it.” Nicole admitted a bit sheepishly as Waverly could only let a few more tears leak from her eyes.
“There’s a barn and tool shed out back, so we can build whatever you want to fill up the empty space out here. I’ve already got planter boxes set up for you off the side of the house so you could finally plant that garden you always talked about having.” Nicole removed her outside hand to point in the direction of the things as she listed them off.
“See that hill over there?” Waverly nodded as she followed where Nicole was pointing, still silent and awestruck and completely in love. “Just over it, Wynonna and Doc and Dolls have their ranch, and they’re almost done building a brewery, so we can go see them anytime you want.” Nicole assured her.
“Over that hill-“ Nicole pointed in another direction, angling her body so she could reach. “-is where Jeremy’s husband is. Jeremy’s gonna join us soon, and then all of us can have a bonfire or a barbecue or whatever you like.
“Now, off over there, is Rosita.” Nicole stopped when she heard Waverly’s little intake of breath. “Baby, you know she didn’t belong anywhere else but here with us, so she’s got a cabin and friends from her first life to keep her company.” Nicole gently kissed Waverly’s temple as she smiled a little wider. “She visits me all the time to beat me at poker.”
“Nedley lives a little ways away. He’s waiting for Chrissy, but told me I’m still and always will be a daughter of his, so he visits often.
“Between Rosita, him, Mom and Dad, and my brother, along with a few friends I grew up with, I’ve been in good company. When you’re ready, we can head over to my parent’s house, and you can meet all them if you’d like.” Nicole ducked her head in a bit of an apology as she sheepishly continued. “I gotta warn you though, I’ve been talking you up for quite a bit now.”
Waverly still hadn’t said anything, so Nicole gave her all the time she needed as she focused on playing with the brunette’s hands.
“I really missed you, you know.” She said quietly, raising her eyes to meet the other woman’s.
Waverly let out a long breath and smiled. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.” She laughed through her tears.
“Nah,” Nicole shook her head, interlacing her fingers with Waverly’s. “I told you to take your time. I meant it, I didn’t mind waiting for you.” She broke apart from her love, still keeping one hand clasped in hers as she gently tugged her in the direction of their home. “You’re here now, I won’t ever leave you again, and we’ve got all the time in the world.”
The world around her was full of color, the air was warm and comforting, the love of her life was holding her hand and leading her to their home in paradise, and Waverly was finally at peace.