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It happens on one of those nightmarish missions. It’s doomed from the get go; they received the intel too late and landed in the middle of nowhere to a literal massacre. There’s blood and guts everywhere and a foul smell, and Adam is once again reminded of how glad he is to be doing this job with his team, where they’re usually the top of the spear.
Back in his SF days, this scene was a regular occurrence, one that slowly made him lose his mind.
His teammates are just as stricken, walking through the rubble, trying to find someone alive. There’s no more mission there. The bomb exploded. The end.
It’s Jaz who finds the only breathing person left. A little boy, barely older than four or five, and he’s holding onto the last threads of life. She shouts for McG and he tries everything he can, but eventually he has to step back because the kid won’t make it.
It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, to know that you can’t save someone. It’s even worse when it’s a child.
Adam closes his eyes, cursing under his breath as the team stares helplessly at the dying little boy. He clings to Jaz, his head on her lap, his eyes slowly growing unfocused. They don’t speak the language, but there’s no need for it when it comes to comfort.
Jaz cradles is head and runs her fingers through his hair and the kid starts to calm down. And then she does it.
It’s weak and shaky, but it’s pure and it takes Adam’s breath away.
Jaz starts to sing for the little boy. It’s an old lullaby, something Adam is pretty sure he’d heard when he was little, and it pulls at his heart.
The guys exchange glances, but Jaz is too occupied to register it. None of them knew Jaz could sing, but it seems befitting that their ninja uses her talent in the worst of times. After all, Adam can hardly imagine her bursting into song, but he can see her laying down her life for strangers.
The boy dies peacefully, his lashes slowly resting on top of his cheekbones one last time. Jaz bends down to kiss his forehead, and her eyes are red and wet when she gets up. She doesn’t even try to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks and it makes Adam’s heart ache even more.
He attempts to reach for her, but McG already has Jaz tucked under his arm and she melts into him. Adam adverts his eyes and clears his throat, turning away to speak with command.
He tries really hard to ignore just how rusty his voice is.
xxxxx
When they get back to the Quonset, Jaz still has lifeless eyes and Patton automatically goes for her, whereas he usually hovers around Adam or Amir.
Adam watches as she bends over the dog for a minute, scratching him between his ears before she heads straight for the showers. His eyes follow her, and for once in his life, he doesn’t care how much the guys can read the conflicted emotions he has for his sniper.
xxxxx
Forty minutes later, Jaz still hasn’t come out of the shower, but they can hear the water run. They all look at each other and McG makes a move toward the bathroom, but Preach stops him with a hand to his shoulder. Adam walks past them, suddenly glad for all of Preach’s meddling.
« Jaz? » he calls as he stands in front of the bathroom door. She doesn’t answer, and it spurs his worry.
« Jaz, I’m coming in, » Adam warns, but there’s still no answer.
The door isn’t even locked and the cloud of steam he was expecting is noticeably missing. Adam realizes the water has been cold a long time, and he walks up to the tub.
« Jaz? » he asks once again, but she doesn’t answer.
Adam peels off the curtain and it’s the most pitiful he’s ever seen Jaz look. She’s curled into a tight ball on the floor of the tub, trembling, and no doubt freezing under the cold shower jet.
At that instant, it doesn’t matter that she’s stark naked and that every part of this is inappropriate. It’s Jaz needing help and Adam will be damned if he doesn’t do everything in his power to help her.
So he fumbles for towels and he wraps her in one. She trembles and doesn’t protest about being taken care of like the Jaz he knows. It worries him more than he’d like to admit.
Slowly, Adam manages to put her back on her feet and she leans heavily into him, none of them caring about the nudity or the tears. Those eyes of hers are big and dark and too red for his liking, so he stirs her toward her room, bypassing the guys because he has a feeling Jaz will just clam up if she has to see one more person.
Back in her room, he sits her down on her bed and goes through her things, trying to find her pajamas. She’s still shivering, so he doesn’t even try to tease her about the fact that she has more than one of his shirts in there, obviously stolen from his pile in the laundry room.
Instead, he passes one of his shirts over her head and helps her into checkered flannel pants before he does his best to towel dry her locks. When that doesn’t stop her shivers, her manœuvers both of them under her covers. One part of him is hoping his body will help her heat up faster, the other selfishly hopes that she needs him, his touch, his presence.
This last part of him isn’t something he lets himself indulge in a lot. In fact, he usually tries to pretend it doesn’t exist at all, because she’s his subordinate and she’s too young and she deserves much better than what he could ever hope to offer.
So he pushes it to the back of his mind, calling the Jaz situation an infatuation of some sort. A crush that will eventually go away.
Jaz buries her head into his chest and his heart leaps forcefully. In his head, Adam repeats the words like a mantra.
infatuation, crush, subordinate
« Why does Preach have kids? » she croaks out after an hour. Her eyes reach for his, so dark they’re bottomless.
« For the same reason you sang that boy to sleep, » replies Adam, deciding on calling it sleeping instead of dying. His voice comes out softer than he’d ever thought it capable of, and he finds out he doesn’t mind it, getting soft for her.
« I could never have kids. Not after seeing so many of them dying in such atrocious ways.»
But Adam is pretty sure she does want children, especially after the way she reacted today. This is a typical Jaz reaction, turning away from something because there’s too many feelings and she’s afraid to be let down once again. He was this way once, still is. And this might just be a crush, but he still wants her to know it’s safe to let herself hope for something more.
« Maybe that’s why some soldiers have kids, to counterbalance all those atrocities.»
Her eyes have that faraway look they get sometimes, and she seems on the verge of saying something, but she swallows and drops her head back on his chest instead. Her arms move around his torso, holding on tight to him and Adam stays like this, one arm around her and one hand in her hair, until she falls asleep.
At that moment he knows that this strong, independant and fearless girl of his is the most important thing in his life. His heart aches at the thought of her hurting, and all he wants to do is right her world so she’ll stop crying.
Seeing her break in his arms makes him realize that Jaz isn’t as tough as he’s always thought. Adam sees that even the thickest of walls can break, and that when they do with Jaz, it’s with him she chooses to share it. It makes him want to protect her, to tuck her into the curve of his chest and never let go.
That’s when he finally finds the courage to admit to himself just how in love he is with her.