Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

-September-

Even woke up to the light streaming into the bedroom and the sun hitting him in the face. He looked over to his left and watched the person next to him sleep soundly, curled up on their side as usual. He ran a hand through the silky curls before carefully rolling off the bed and tippy-toeing out of the bedroom. They had been at a wedding yesterday, so he didn’t expect company for another hour or so. Even hadn’t been drinking though and they had left quite early so Even felt full of energy.

He made himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. It was a crisp September day, air chilly and sky blue outside of the window. Even loved waking up early and get an hour or two for himself in the morning where he could enjoy his coffee and the quietness.

Suddenly, his phone started ringing and he hurried to pick up in order to keep it from making too much noise. It was still early after all. He frowned as he read the name on the screen. Why on earth would Jonas call him? He didn’t give it much thought before he pressed answer and moved the phone to his ear.

“Hello?” he said, unsure if it really was Jonas on the other end.

“Hi, Even? It’s Jonas. I’m not sure you remember me…”

“Of course I remember you,” Even interrupted before Jonas could continue. “What’s up?”

Jonas laughed.

“Good. I was worrying you may not remember me. How are you? I saw that your movie got shown at a festival in Copenhagen. That’s huge. Magnus told me you live there too. It must be amazing.”

Even smiled. He had worked on that movie, a documentary about two persons living with a heavy drug addiction, for a long time and it was his most honest and vulnerable work he’d ever put up and he was so relieved that it had been getting good reviews so far.

“Thank you!” he said. “Yeah, it’s great actually but we are thinking of moving again. We want to be back in Norway actually. How are you?”

“I’m good.” Jonas said.

Even nodded.

“Not that I mind you calling me, but I’m kind of wondering if there is a special reason? Is everything alright?”

Jonas was quiet for a few seconds and Even could hear him breathe on the other end.

“Yeah there is. Look I know you and Isak haven’t talked since you last saw each other four years ago and I know the break up was really bad and things were messy between the two of you.”

Jonas’ voice died down and Even found himself clutching the phone so tightly his knuckles were going white. He hadn’t heard Isak’s name in so long, or thought about him for that matter.

“Is everything alright?” he asked, surprised at how shrill and loud his voice sounded.

“It’s about Isak. He’s really sick. He’s got a heart condition and he’s been getting worse recently. He’s dying…”

Maybe Jonas said something else after that or maybe his voice faded away. Even couldn’t hear a thing anyway.

He’s dying

“Even? Are you there?”

Jonas was still on the other end and Even didn’t even know if he had said something else.

“Sorry,” he said. “What?”

When?

“He’s got heart failure and he got sick about two years ago and at first we were hopeful he could get better or that he could get a transplant but he’s been getting sicker and if he doesn’t get a transplant soon he’s not going to live much longer. Maybe a few more months. We are lucky if he lives until Christmas.”

Jonas sounded so calm, as though he wasn’t delivering the news that his best friend was dying.

He’s dying

Even couldn’t say anything. His mind was racing and his throat was dry.

“Isak doesn’t know that I’m calling you. He didn’t want you to know because… yeah…you know. How things ended between you…”

Even bit his lip. It had ended so very badly between them. With so much hurt, anger and resentment.

“I just wanted to let you know,” Jonas sounded stoic, almost robot like. “Isak won’t admit it but I think it would mean a lot to him if he got a chance to see you one last time. You know, to make amends. He would never ask you himself because he would never want you to feel forced to come just because…”

Apparently, there was a limited amount of times Jonas could say the word die too.

“…but I know it would mean a lot to him to be able to make peace with himself before he dies. I’m his best friend and I know it’s a lot of me to ask and I understand if you don’t want to but I have to ask?”

Everything was too much. All this information was too much and Even didn’t know how to handle it.

“I’ll call you back,” Even said. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll call you back.”

By the time he hung up, tears were streaming down his face and he violently threw the phone across the room. It landed on the soft carpet. Didn’t break at all.

He buried his face in his hands. This was not supposed to happen.

He’s dying

The door to the bedroom creaked open and Tilde walked out, wearing her usual robe. As soon as she spotted Even sitting at the table she hurried to his side.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she said worriedly.

He stood up because he couldn’t take her comforting hands right now.

“A friend just called, Jonas. He’s best friends with Isak.”

Tilde nodded for him to continue.

“What did he want?”

“Isak is sick, it’s really bad and Jonas called me and asked if maybe I could see Isak again. Just to talk and stuff…make amends.”

Tilde was shaking her head before Even could even finish his sentence.

“Isak? Your ex Isak?” she said harshly.

Even nodded.

“He broke your heart, Even. He crushed you and left you in your most vulnerable state. It took you years to get over it and get better. When I met you, you were a freaking mess all because of him. And now what? He wants to finally call to make himself feel better? No way Even.”

“He’s dying, okay?” Even said just as harshly. “He’s going to die.”

Tilde sighed.

“It still doesn’t take away the fact that he was an asshole to you.” She argued. “You don’t owe him anything so don’t even think about going. It will just mess you up really bad again and he’s already taken way too much from you. Just because he’s dying doesn’t make him a good person. He’s still awful and I will always hate him for what he put you through.”

It was funny how she hated Isak despite never having met him. She only knew this one version of Isak that she had based her hatred on. A version told by Even at his worst and supported by Even’s friends at the time. A version based on half a lie.

She tried to move closer to him but he resolutely took a few steps away from her.

“I’m going for a run,” he said.

He just had to get away from the house and clear his head.

“Don’t run away in the middle of an argument,” she argued. “Let’s talk about it instead?”

“There’s nothing to talk about right now,” Even said. “I need to clear my head.”

He went on his usual run, a 4km run through the neighbourhood. He shouldn’t run on asphalt, but he didn’t care right now. His shins hurt slightly but he welcomed the pain nonetheless. Running had become a way for him to relax and stay grounded. A sort of therapy that also kept him healthy.

His mind wandered to Isak and to Jonas’ words. It felt so unreal. He hadn’t thought about Isak in the longest time but with this phone call all the memories came back to him. The good ones and the bad. How it began and how it ended. No matter how bad it had ended and how much Isak had crushed him, Even’s chest clenched painfully at the thought of Isak dying. It couldn’t be true. It didn’t feel right. Isak was supposed to be alive and even if Even never saw him again he was supposed to be alive somewhere out there. Not dying. Isak was only 25 and he was supposed to have his whole life in front of him.

The tears filled his eyes again as he ran and he stopped by a bench and collapsed on it. His chest heaved. He couldn’t not go. He couldn’t ignore Jonas’ request or polite ask, whatever you wanted to call it. He knew he would never be able to forgive himself if he didn’t go and left Isak to die without having made peace. He remembers the last time they spoke to each other and he can’t let that be their last conversation. Those words be the last Isak ever heard from him. He can’t let Isak die with those words in mind.

He had forgiven Isak a long time ago and moved on. He had gotten perspective of what happened and taken account for his own wrongdoings. He had grown up and stopped being bitter and angry with Isak for what Isak had done, and he desperately wanted Isak to know that. He needed Isak to know that.

Tilde had cleaned the entire apartment by the time he came back. She always did that when they had argued. She looked up as he entered the kitchen again where she stood scrubbing at sink viciously.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, breaking the silence between them and hurrying to close the distance between them. “It’s not my place to tell you what to do.”

He let her hug him and buried his nose in her hair. She smelled nice of coconut shampoo.

“You should if you want to, okay. If it will make you feel better.”

She smiled reassuringly.

Even nodded quietly and wiped his tears away again.

“I think I need to…” he whispered. “I think this is what I need to do. For me.”

“Okay,” she said.

He called Jonas back a few hours later to make some arrangements. They both still lived in Oslo so Even booked flight tickets the same day for the following weekend. The tickets were expensive but he didn’t care. Jonas had told him that he could stay with them. He also had the option of staying with his parents so he didn’t have to bother with a hotel. There were plenty of homes in Oslo ready for him.

The week trailed by slowly but eventually it became Friday. He had taken the day off in order to take a flight around noon. Tilde offered to drive him to the airport, but he decided to take a taxi. She wasn’t happy with his decision. That much he knew and if she drove him that would give her opportunities to try to convince him not to go. He wanted to go but he was also so scared of actually going. He was scared of facing Isak again after all this time.

“You can change your mind,” she said as they said goodbye at home. “It’s okay.”

He gave her a kiss and a hug.

“I want to do this. I’ll call you when I reach the airport.”

-

He felt nervous and anxious as the plane landed in Oslo in the afternoon. He hadn’t been back home in almost six months, so it felt weird to be back in the familiar surroundings. Jonas had texted him the address and apparently him and Isak lived together in an apartment in central Oslo. He took a bus from the airport and then walked the last bit. He only had a weekend bag with him so he didn’t bother with a taxi when he knew Oslo like the back of his hand.

His heart was pounding in his chest when he rang the doorbell to Isak and Jonas’ apartment. As he waited for someone to answer he looked at the name tag on the door. I. Valtersen J. Vasquez. It was too late to regret his decision now. As he heard footsteps approaching the door on the other side he began to panic. What if Isak opened the door? What would happen then?

He had texted Jonas to let him know he was on his way and once he was only a few blocks away he had sent another text so Jonas knew he was coming. But if Isak opened the door first? What would happen then? Even wasn’t sure and he didn’t trust himself and his own reaction.

He hadn’t asked much more about Isak’s condition so the only thing he really knew was the information he had gathered online and from the articles he had read on the flight. He had no idea on what to expect.

He didn’t have to worry because once the door opened Jonas stood on the other side. He had a welcoming smile as he stepped aside to let Even inside. He looked almost the same as he did last time Even saw him. His hair was shorter but still dark and curly.

“Hey, man” Jonas said.

“Hi,” Even replied.

“It’s good to see you,” Jonas continued. “You can just hang your coat over there.

Jonas lead him straight to the living room. It was a big room, white walls and huge windows.

“Why don’t you sit down?” Jonas said. “I can get you some coffee or tea or something cold?”

Even nodded.

“A coffee would be good,” he said.

Jonas disappeared into the kitchen and Even continued to look around the room from where he sat on the couch. There was a huge bookshelf against one of the walls and a TV hung on another which was facing the TV. The coffee table in front of him was empty except for a few candle holders and a stack of coasters. Next to the couch on the floor stood a machine of some sort with a tube coming out from it.

“Yeah, that’s for Isak’s oxygen,” Jonas said. “He has a smaller one in the bedroom, but he uses this one the most because the tubes are long enough for him to get around the house.”

Even swallowed uncomfortably. Suddenly things seemed even more real. This was actually happening. Jonas seemed to sense his discomfort.

“He’s had it for a few weeks. His lungs aren’t coping so well because of the heart failure. So he needs the extra oxygen. It takes a while to get used to, but it makes him feel better and has given him a better life quality.”

Even only nodded silently as Jonas gave him his cup and sat down next to him with his own cup.

“Isak is sleeping right now. He had a rough night so…” Jonas continued.

“Oh, okay,” Even said.

“I get that this is a lot for you but I really appreciate you being here. It means a lot to me and I think Isak will be happy as well. He won’t admit it but I know that closure means a lot for him”

“Yeah, of course,” Even said. “How did he get sick?”

“It was two years ago or something, maybe 2 and half. He was getting sick and had a sore throat, just a bad cold really, but he kept stressing and working really hard. Then he got really, really sick one night. Chest pains and a high fever and trouble breathing and he had to go to the hospital. He had something called inflammatory cardiomyopathy and it was pretty bad and unfortunately there was some permanent damage to his heart. It wasn’t so bad at first and he got medication for it and continued with his life as usual but then he started getting symptoms again. He would lose his appetite, be dizzy, have trouble sleeping because he coughed a lot and after a while and it turned out he was just getting worse and worse. He’s been sick for a long time now and even though the doctors have tried everything he is not getting better and now he is so sick that he is going to need a heart transplant.”

“Shit,” Even mumbled. “How is he now?”

Jonas bit his lip.

“He’s getting worse. He’s recently had a pacemaker to improve his quality of life, but he can’t go to university anymore and some days are really bad and he won’t have much energy. He has trouble sleeping at night a lot and there is fluid in his lungs.”

Jonas smiled tightly and Even found himself unable to say anything in return. Everything felt so fucked and unreal.

“It’s not good.” Jonas concluded

Even nodded. And swallowed at the lump in his throat. He took a deep breath and forced himself to change subject.

“So um, how are you? I mean what are you doing for a living. It’s been such a long time.”

Jonas told him that he was currently studying journalism at the university of Oslo and that he would graduate next spring. They talked for a little while and Even updated Jonas about what Mikael and the others were up to. They talked about the rest of their mutual friends and Jonas gave him an update about Eva and Noora who apparently both lived in Bergen at the moment. It felt surreal to sit and talk about such trivial things when the real reason why Even was here was so obvious.

“Do they know? About Isak?” Even found himself needing to know.

He wondered if he was the only one in their old friend group that didn’t know. If people had somehow thought they would spare him by not telling him or if they didn’t know either.

“Magnus and Mahdi know of course.” Jonas cleared his throat. “Isak talks to them a lot. Especially Mahdi. And the girls know too, I assume. Isak still talks to Sana and Eva so they know. If they have told the other girls then they know as well. But Isak is not very keen on people knowing. Not after everything that happened.”

Even was not sure what exactly Jonas was referring to because ‘everything’ was so vague even if it had to do with their break up. Isak had never enjoyed being the centre of people’s attention so it was no surprise if Isak didn’t want people to know. It confused him however that Jonas still talked about everything that happened after their break up. That was four years ago.

“Well, I’m glad he has you and that you’ve been there for him through all this. It can’t have been easy,” Even said unsurely.

He felt a bit uncomfortable under Jonas’ gaze. They had always gotten along when he and Isak were together but they were just tied together because of Isak.

“Well someone had to,” Jonas said harshly. “Someone had to stand by him through all this.”

“What do you mean?” Even said.

“I don’t mean just now. I mean after the two of you broke up,” Jonas said, and when Even just looked at him confused he sighed and continued.

“With the way you two ended? Of course there was going to be sides. I know the way Isak broke up with you was awful and I’m not going to defend him but afterwards he had no one. All your mutual friends took your side because you needed the support. Because you needed it the most. But Isak was a mess. Someone had to stay by him so I did. Me and Eskild and possibly Sana. But you had everyone else. I don’t blame you or them. You needed the support. I just want you to know that Isak struggled as well. He didn’t just walk away unaffected and he still needed his friends.”

“Hey, how are you holding up?”

“I miss him. I miss him so bad,”

Jonas lay down next to him on the bed and curled up on his side.

“They all hate me,” Isak said. “Everyone hates me.”

It wasn’t exactly the confrontation he had expected, and he felt just as confused as before. It felt like he had lived in a lie and it was no one’s fault but his own. He had just assumed that Isak’s friends were there for him the way they had been there for Even. It made sense now actually. They had all rallied around him, taken him out of the apartment, arranged dinners and parties. Even had just assumed they did the same for Isak. At first he had been too broken to reflect on such things but once he started to get back on his feet he had just let himself assume that that was the case. He never once had reflected on the possibility that the people who had once been Isak’s friends had turned their back on him. Whether it was due to anger or simply because Even seemed to need their support more because he couldn’t function for 6 months.

Just as Even was about to respond the sound of a door opening interrupted him. He looked towards the sound coming from the hallway. Then a familiar face appeared in the doorway to the living room. Even swallowed harshly at the sight of Isak, because while it was definitely Isak in front of him it didn’t look like the Isak Even remembered. Isak had always been slim but the figure in front of him was almost skeleton like and the t-shirt he wore hung loosely over his shoulders, exposing his collarbones. Bony fingers gripped the doorframe and Even could see Isak panting slightly. The most familiar thing about him was the snapback he wore and the locks of blond hair that curled around its edges.

Isak smiled slightly through heavy breathing.

“I thought I heard your voice,” he said looking straight at Even.

Jonas rose from the couch before Even could say anything and he hurried toward Isak’s side.

“For fuck’s sake, Isak,” he said, voice clearly annoyed. “Why didn’t you call out for me? You are not supposed to walk around without oxygen. Especially not today.”

Isak rolled his eyes but let Jonas help him towards the couch. Even found himself staring at the two of them the whole time.

“It needed to be replaced anyway,” Isak offered to Jonas as the other man fussed over him. “I’m okay really. Just a bit out of breath.”

“Yeah, but next time just call for me?” Jonas said through clenched teeth. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Jonas left the two of them sitting next to each other. Isak was still panting slightly, and up close Even could see just how sunk in and colourless Isak’s face was. Neither of them said anything before Jonas came back into the room with a fresh tube in his hand that he handed over to Isak who put it into his nose and hooked the tubing around his ears. Jonas then plugged the tube in to the machine on the floor and pushed a few buttons. Isak took a deep breath, visibly relaxed.

“See, you dumbass,” Jonas scolded. “You need to listen to the doctors. They know their shit.”

“Relax, Jonas. I’m fine” Isak said, panting less and less with each breath and in a matter of seconds he looked better.

Isak turned his head towards Even with a small smile.

“I can only guess that Jonas called you here even if I told him not to,” he said but he didn’t seem angry about it.

“Uh,” Even started unsure of what to say.

“I didn’t want you to know about this,” Isak continued and looked down in his lap. “But I guess that’s why you are here. Because Jonas thinks I need closure or something.”

Jonas looked at them both before leaving them be and disappearing into what Even assumed was his room. Isak continued to look down on his lap and Even simply couldn’t stop staring at the other man in front of him. Isak truly looked sick. Even without the tube under his nose, and Even didn’t know where to look without his eyes travelling to all the things that made Isak look so sick.

“I know I look pretty shitty,” Isak joked. “This is the new me. Complete with an oxygen tube. But there is a portable one too so you can take me with you if you want to go for walks or to restaurants. I don’t work well with fire though so these are just for decoration,” Isak finished and gestured for the candle holders on the table.

Isak gave him a small smile but this whole attitude just triggered something within Even.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” Even said accusingly. “It feels like everyone knows about this but me. I know how things ended but didn’t you think I had the right to know? Would I have known if it wasn’t for Jonas or would I only learn that you had died from someone’s Instagram update?”

He didn’t know why he felt so upset but he did.

Isak sighed deeply.

“It’s not about you,” he said calmly. “It’s about me. I just didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel forced to come here out of obligation when I know you still hate me but simply feel bad or guilty because I’m dying.”

“I don’t hate you,” Even said.

“Maybe not anymore, but you used to,”

“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much”

“You don’t mean that.”

Isak was crying, big fat tears rolling down his face.

“Yes I do. I hate you  and I wish I had never even met you”

“Isak…” Even tried but Isak continued speaking.

“Why are you here, Even?” he said. “I know Jonas called you and told you some bullshit probably and somehow convinced you. But why?”

Even didn’t know what to answer. On the plane ride he had thought about what he wanted to say to Isak. He had planned different scenarios in his head and prepared himself. But now faced with Isak he couldn’t remember anything. He had not expected Isak to be this way.

“When Jonas called me and told me you were sick something broke in me. All I could think about was how we ended things and about our last conversation. I knew I needed to do this. For me. Because I want us to talk and make peace or whatever you want to call it. It’s not out of guilt or because I feel like I morally should. I want to be here. I came because I wanted to.”

Isak looked up, his mouth turning into a small, sad smile. Barely there.

“Okay,” he said.

-

They sat in the living room together, him and Isak. Jonas had been tactful enough to leave them with some privacy and Even felt thankful. Though their conversation was slightly stiff it wasn’t as awful as Even had anticipated it would be. They talked a bit about what everyone was up to just like him and Jonas had done an hour ago.

“I’ve read all about your films,” Isak said. “You are doing amazing,”

Even felt his chest swell with pride. His films meant everything to him and he had worked so hard to be where he was today and even if he was never going to be a world-famous director he had found a true passion in his movies.

“Thank you,” Even said. “It feels surreal to finally be doing what I’ve always dreamed of.”

“I always knew you’d be able to do it,” Isak said.

Even nodded.

“I’m going to start working on a new film soon. Hopefully I’ll have a deal with a huge producer. I have a few more meetings to take but hopefully they will like my idea enough. It would mean a huge budget and we are planning on airing it on some bigger film festivals abroad. It might not happen but if it does it will truly be a dream come true.”

“Wow, I’m really happy for you. You are so talented. When are you going to start shooting? When will the movie be ready?”

Everything suddenly felt so unfair. Here they were talking about Even’s successful career with Isak praising him for his work while Isak would probably never get to this place in his life. They were talking about Even having his dream come true within a year when Isak probably wouldn’t live to see another Christmas. It was fucking unfair and Even didn’t know how he would be able to handle things. He wasn’t prepared for this.

“I’m…” he started. “I’m so fucking sorry, Isak.”

Isak smiled.

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “It’s okay, really. I’ve had a long time to come to terms with this. I’ve spent countless of hours being angry and thought ‘why me?’. This is just the way things are going to be. When I first got sick I was so sure I’d get healthy again. When I was put on the list for a heart transplant I was so hopeful that I’d get a heart. I waited every day for them to call and tell me to come to the hospital. It never happened and now…even if I’m higher up on the list I’m also sicker. My lungs are messed up too which means I probably need both a heart transplant and new lungs. And the longer I have to wait the weaker I get, and if they don’t think I’m strong enough for surgery I won’t get a heart. And who says I’m worthier of a heart than anyone else? What if there is a dad with two kids waiting for that same heart? Or someone who is about to get married. I don’t have kids or a boyfriend or someone that needs me. I think I’m okay if I die if it means that someone else gets to live. Does that make sense? I don’t want to die. But I’ve come to accept that I probably will.”

Even felt like crying. It was all so unfair. Isak shouldn’t have to be so calm about this. He shouldn’t think that other people deserved to live more than he did or that people didn’t need him. Even wondered if he was part of the reason why Isak felt that way. He thought about what Jonas had said about their friends choosing sides and not even a handful choosing to stay beside Jonas at Isak’s side. He thought about Isak’s parents who had never been the loving and affectionate parents Even had grown up with. He thought about how they had welcomed Isak into their family and treated him like a second son and showered him with love. With a sinking heart Even realised that Isak had lost a lot of things after the break up.  

They moved on to talk about more casual things after that, acting as if they were two friends who simply hadn’t seen each other in a while.

“How are your parents?” Even asked.

“They are okay. Mom is not doing so well. She has a hard time coping with me being ill so. She’s at a home now but it is okay. She has staff there that take care of her and make sure she eats and showers and stuff. I try to visit as often as I can or my dad will pick her up and take her here.”

Even nodded. Isak’s parents had always been a sore spot for Isak, and even if they had been together for three years, Even had never gotten close to them.

“And your dad?” Even continued.

Isak shrugged.

“He works a lot as usual but what is new? He bought me this apartment, actually. I think he felt guilty or something, so he bought it for me. I see him every other week and have lunch with him. He calls sometimes to make sure I’m okay. I think he has made some deal with Jonas. Like he convinced Jonas to move in here with me once I got sick. I guess it felt better for him to have someone he knows watch out for me than me being on my own. I’m pretty sure he will let Jonas stay here. Maybe move in with his girlfriend.”

That surprised Even because Jonas had never mentioned anyone to him. Isak grinned.

“He really likes her but they have not dated for that long and with me being sick, Jonas spends a lot of time at home with me. I try to convince him to go out more though but he won’t.”

-

Later during the night they had dinner together all three of them. Jonas cooked some chicken stir fry that they ate in the living room in front of the TV. They talked a bit about everyday stuff and Even found himself surprisingly comfortable in Isak and Jonas’ company. They talked and laughed together and to be honest it didn’t feel any different than five years ago.  Only it was because everytime Even glanced in Isak’s direction he was reminded why he was here.

He woke up to the sound of coughing. Harsh and unforgiving coughs coming from Isak’s room. Even got up from the sofa and made his way over to Isak’s door. It wasn’t fully closed and when he got closer he could hear Jonas whisper softly.

“It’s okay,”

Even peeked inside and saw Jonas sitting at the edge of the bed, rubbing Isak’s back up and down in comforting motions as Isak tried to catch his breath in between coughs.

Jonas looked up and saw Even standing in the doorway.

“Is there anything I can do?” Even asked unsurely his eyes never leaving Isak’s frame.

“Yeah could you get him a glass of water?” Jonas asked as he continued to hold an arm protectively around Isak’s shoulder.

Even nodded and darted towards the kitchen. He opened every cabinet, despite having set the table at dinner earlier, before he found the glasses. His hand shook badly as he filled the glass with cold water before he hurriedly returned to Isak’s room.

“Thank you,” Jonas said as Even handed him the glass.

Isak’s coughs seemed to have died down some but he was still breathless and teary eyed and Even wondered if he even knew that Even was in the room. Even watched Jonas help Isak take a few sips from the glass. Jonas was so caring through it all and Even had never seen him like that before. He had always been protective of Isak but this took things to a new level.

“You can go back to sleep if you want to,” Jonas said once Isak’s breathing had calmed down even more.

Isak was still awake but his eyes were closed, and he seemed more relaxed now.

“I’ll stay with him for a few more minutes.”

It was obvious that Jonas was used to this and that he was doing a much better job taking care of Isak than Even would ever be able to do.

“Yeah okay, good night,” he said with a small smile. “Good night, Isak,”

He reached out to pat Isak’s leg awkwardly before he turned around and went back into the living room. By the time Jonas left Isak’s bedroom Even was still awake and half an hour later he was still awake, listening for any sound coming from Isak’s room.

-

Jonas was already awake when Even woke up and was quietly making himself breakfast in the kitchen.

“Good morning!” Even said as he approached the other man.

Jonas turned around. He looked tired. Even wondered if he had lied awake listening for Isak’s coughs just like Even had done. He wondered how often it happened.

“Good morning,” Jonas said. “Do you want some coffee?”

Even nodded and sat down at the table. Jonas joined him shortly afterwards with a cup in each hand. He put one in front of Even.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked and Even shrugged.

“It was okay,” he said. “After I managed to fall asleep again.”

Jonas nodded.

“Yeah, he’ll probably sleep for a while. He’s going to be tired.”

Even took a sip of coffee, wincing as his tongue got burned.

“It must be tough,” he started. “Watching your friend go through something like this.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jonas smiled. “It sucks to see him like this but I would never leave him or stop taking care of him. I’ve promised I’ll look after him and I’m going to stand by him for as long as I can. He would do the same for me.”

“Yeah,” Even mumbled.

He wondered how he would handle things if someone he loved got sick. If Tilde got sick or if Isak had gotten sick while they were still together. What had changed between them? Would they still be together? Jonas was so strong through this. That much Even knew from the few hours he had watched Jonas take care of Isak. He could see the strain on Jonas’ face, it was visible even without the bags under Jonas’ eyes. It was visible in the way Jonas clung to his cup of coffee.

After breakfast Even went for a short run in Oslo. It felt weird being back on the familiar streets. Weird but not bad. They had talked about moving back to Oslo but Even hadn’t thought he was ready for that yet. But now as he ran he felt like maybe he would be ready sooner than he thought. Tilde would follow him wherever he went but she preferred Oslo before anything else.

Isak was awake by the time he came back. He was sitting on the sofa, dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie, and when he spotted Even he smiled.

“Hey,” he said. “Did you have a good run?”

“Yeah it was good. It felt nice being back in Oslo,” Even commented. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Isak said. “Ready to do something though. What do you feel like doing? I’m not gonna run a marathon with you or go to the trampoline park but I was thinking we could take a walk and buy some ice cream in the park.”

“I don’t think we should do something like that, Isak” Jonas said and Even turned around to where the voice was coming from.

Jonas leaned towards the door frame to the kitchen.

“Jonas…” Isak said tiredly. “I need to do something. I can’t just sit in here.”

“I don’t know. You’ve had a couple of rough nights in a row. I don’t want you to get worse,” he said.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Well I’m already dying so I’m not going to get better by sitting on my ass watching movies all day. I want to see the leaves in the park. I want to go on a walk and feel the sun on my skin. So what if I die a day earlier or a week? Will it matter?”

Isak stood up from the couch slowly and with some effort. When Jonas reached out to help him he waved him off in one irritated motion.

“Where are you going?” Jonas asked.

“To the bathroom, Jonas. Or is that too risky?” Isak snapped as he walked past his best friend, the oxygen tube trailing behind him.

Once the door closed behind Isak Jonas buried his face in his hands and let out a frustrated sigh.

“I just want him safe,” he said to no one. “I know he feels smothered, but I just want him to be safe.”

-

They ended up going to the park anyway because in the end Isak’s stubbornness won and he was able to guilty trip Jonas into agreeing.

It was a slow walk, but it was warm and nice outside and the leaves on the trees were shifting in all red and yellow. It truly was a beautiful autumn day and when Jonas saw how happy Isak looked he seemed to relax as well. They walked for a little while in silence just admiring the beautiful environment and the autumn sun warming their faces. Isak was carrying a backpack with his portable oxygen tank.

“I’m going to go and buy us some coffee or something,” Jonas said and once again Even found himself thankful for Jonas’ ability to sense when Isak and Even needed a moment for themselves.

They walked for a few more minutes before sitting down on a park bench in the sun.

“Do your parents know that you are home?” Isak asked. “I mean you’ve not talked about seeing them.”

Even shook his head. He hadn’t told them he was in Oslo over the weekend because then they would ask why and he would have to tell them about Isak. He had no idea how they would react. They both had loved Isak but they too had been angry and disappointed after the break up. Just like everyone else had been.

“No I haven’t,” he said honestly.

Isak nodded and readjusted his cannula under his nose.

“I ran into them a few weeks ago, actually” Isak said. “In the grocery store.”

“Really?” Even said. “Do they know that you are sick?”

“Yeah,” Isak said slowly. “It was kind of difficult to hide with this thing in my nose,” he chuckled.

Isak drew in a deep breath as if he enjoyed the cold and crispy air.

“It felt so weird running into them after all this time. I never knew how they’d react if I ever saw them again, you know? But well your mother spotted me in that grocery store, and when she walked up to me and I saw that your dad was there too I wanted to run away. I was so scared that they would be angry with me or start yelling. I should have known that they would never do that. Your mother hugged me before doing anything else. She told me how happy she was to see me and your dad was smiling. I had to tell them about my condition and your mom started crying and hugging me even tighter. She told me she was so sorry. I’ve had dinner with them a few times. It was really nice actually but if it feels weird for you I’ll stop going of course.”

Isak’s confession made Even feel a lot of things and he wondered why his parents had not told him. He had talked to them many times during the last few weeks. The same few weeks during which Isak had come over for dinner more than once. It hurt to know they had known before him. That they were two more persons that had known before him. It made him feel betrayed.

“I asked them to not tell you,” Isak said with a gentle smile as if he had sensed Even’s disappointment.

“Why?” Even said heatedly.  “Why was it so important for you to keep this from me?”

“You know why.” Isak said slowly.

“Because of what happened?” Even exclaimed. “Because that is a stupid reason. I had the same right to know as everyone else!”

“Because I was scared. I didn’t want to tell you only to realise that you don’t care. Or tell you that I wanted to see you again in case you refused to. I didn’t want to reach out and be turned down because I wouldn’t have anyone else to blame but myself. I wouldn’t blame you if you told me to go fuck myself and never showed up here. But it would still hurt too much.”

“Please just let me see him and talk to him. I’m so sorry. I just want to make sure he is okay and let him know I’m sorry”

“You destroyed him, Isak. Why did you have to break up with him during one of his episodes? Why not wait until he was in a better place before tearing him down and breaking his heart.”

“You are a selfish bastard.”

“He is heartbroken and he is barely functioning at the moment. If anything happens to him it is your fault. I’ll never forgive you for this.”

Isak sounded the most vulnerable Even had heard him since he had arrived yesterday. Up until now Isak had sounded calm, collected, stoic, distanced. But never vulnerable. Even cleared his throat.

“Of course I would have come, Isak. Despite everything I still care about you. I care about you and what happens to you and I care that you…” He couldn’t finish the sentence but forced himself to take a shaky breath.

“I care about the memories you and I have together. We were together for three years, Isak!  A break up can’t take away all good memories from those three years.”

Isak smiled.

“Yeah, I guess. We have some really good memories,” he said. “When we moved into our apartment and had pizza with the guys. And when we went to Morocco together.”

Even met Isak’s smile.

“Yeah, those are really good memories.”

“It feels like a lifetime ago,” Isak mumbled. “So many things have changed.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Even said.

While they waited for Jonas to return they talked some more. Even told Isak about Tilde and how the two of them had met and became friends before their friendship developed into something else. Isak seemed happy for Even. At least he told him so with a genuine smile on his face.

“Have you dated anybody?” Even asked. “Since we broke up?”

It took a while for Isak to answer and he continued to look at the dog and its owner that played on the grass across the path. The owner threw a ball across the field and the dog ran to get it over and over again.

“Yeah. After we broke up I didn’t see anyone in a long time. I had a couple of relationships but none of them were serious. But then I met Alex. It was just a few months before I got sick but I really thought I had found love again. After you I wasn’t ready for anybody else in a long time and I kind of thought I would never find someone like that again. But he was amazing. Kind and funny. I really loved him.”

“What happened?”  Even asked carefully.

“We broke up. I got sick and he couldn’t handle it. He broke up with me six months later when I got sicker and sicker. He told me that he was sorry but that he wasn’t strong enough.”

“That’s awful, Isak,” Even said.

“It’s no difference from us though, is it,” Isak said and looked at Even. “I left you.”

Even didn’t know how to answer. Isak had left when Even was at his lowest but he didn’t like the way Isak compared his own heartbreak to their break up that had happened years ago. It wasn’t the same thing. Back then Even would probably agree that it was the same but now he knew that Isak did the best he could do. That he fought his hardest for them.

”It’s ironic isn’t it? I broke your heart and now mine is not working,” Isak continued.  

“Isak…”

Even fought against the lump in his throat and the tears that burned behind his eyes.

Isak laughed unhappily, his face void of emotions.

“It kind of feels like karma, you know?” he said.

“Don’t” Even pleaded. “Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s true though,” Isak said and for the first time in minutes he looked sad. Utterly sad. “I’ll never forgive myself for breaking up with you like that. For hurting you and putting you through so much pain. I’ve thought about that a lot recently.”

“I can’t do this anymore. This…is too hard. It feels like a fucking chore and I feel fucking exhausted. I don’t want to be with you anymore”

“Are you leaving me?”

“Yeah. I think it is for the best.”

“Please, Isak. Please, I’m sorry, don’t leave. I’ll be a better person. I promise I’ll never fuck up again. I’ll take my medication and I’ll go to therapy. I’ll do anything you want just don’t leave me. I love you and you are the only person who can love me. You are all I have and I can’t live without you.“

“I, I’m. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah well so have I” Even said firmly. “I’ve thought about that too and Isak I know how hard you fought, okay? I know that you tried until you couldn’t do it anymore. I know I wasn’t easy to live with and that I behaved selfishly. I was reckless and stupid and I didn’t care what I put you through.”

“Yeah, I still shouldn’t have left you though,” Isak said sadly.

“You did what you could,” Even reassured. “You need to forgive yourself, Isak. I need you to forgive yourself.”

He grabbed Isak’s cold hand in his and squeezed it.

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” he continued. “I just want us to focus on the good things from now on… okay?”

Isak nodded and a few tears rolled down his cheeks. Even wiped them away with his thumb, gently touching Isak’s delicate skin. Isak closed his eyes and shivered.   

“I’m so glad that I got another chance to see you, Isak” Even continued. “No matter what happens I’m so happy we got this time together. To make peace with ourselves and create new memories. I don’t want your last memory of me be from that night. I don’t want your last memories of me being what I said to you.”

“I hate you and I wish I had never even  met you.”

Mikael walked into the room with his arms crossed. His eyes was dark and full of disgust as he looked at Isak.

“You need to go now and do us all a favour and stay away from him.”

“I’m so sorry. About everything.”

Isak didn’t say anything when leaned his head on Even’s shoulder and without thinking Even kissed the top of his head. They stayed like that until Jonas came back with their coffees.

-

They spent the night similarly to the previous night, only today they opted for a take out from a Thai restaurant that had recently opened a block away. Even had pad thai and both Isak and Jonas had opted for red curry with rice.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Jonas announced once they had finished their food and watched a movie.

Even looked over to where Isak was sitting, trying to read his body. He looked a little tired where he sat curled up on the couch with a fluffy blanket over his knees.

“Do you want some coffee or hot chocolate?” Isak asked. “Or tea?”

“Some tea would be lovely actually,” Even smiled. “I’ve not had tea in forever.”

Isak nodded and stood up from the couch.

“I can do it if you want.” Even said with hesitation in his voice.

“It’s okay,” Isak said. “You are the guest after all.”

Isak disappeared into the kitchen and Even could hear the sound of Isak reaching for cups from the cupboard. Even’s mind wandered back to the day. It had been such a good day. They had talked and talked and talked. About everything and nothing. It felt so good to finally talk to Isak again and all the anger he had once felt towards the other man was gone. All that resentment had been lifted off his shoulder. They had sat on that bench and shared all their happy memories with Isak’s head resting on Even’s shoulder. They had made peace with each other and with themselves.

Even’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash followed by a thud. The sound made him sit up straighter on the couch.

“Isak?” he called out. “Is everything alright?”

When he didn’t receive an answer, he threw the blanket off his legs and stumbled towards the kitchen, his heart in his throat the entire time. Isak was sprawled out on the kitchen floor surrounded by broken ceramics from the teapot he had obviously dropped, and one of his sleeves was soaked in tea water. His face was pale and his lips blue. His eyes were closed and he was deadly still.

Even dropped to the floor next to him in an instance, screaming for Jonas in panic as his knees hit the ground. He shook Isak gently, trying to wake him up.

“Isak,” he wailed. “Isak, wake up!”

Somehow he registered that the water that soaked his pant leg felt hot and he made the decision to move Isak away from the water and shards. Isak felt light and bony in his arms.

“What’s going on?”

Even looked up briefly to see Jonas enter the kitchen. He was dripping wet and had a towel wrapped around his waist. He too fell to his knees next to Isak.

“What happened?” he asked.

“He went to make tea. Then I heard this thud and I came here and he just lay there. I just moved him so that he wasn’t lying in that hot tea water or next to those shards.” Even said, voice weak and pathetic.

Jonas nodded as he felt for Isak’s pulse and checked his breathing.

“Call an ambulance,” he said firmly. “Then hand me the phone. I’ll talk to them and update them on Isak’s condition.”

Even was reluctant to leave Isak’s side but he didn’t have a choice. His phone was still in the living room and Jonas knew what to do. Even was just useless. The tears were pooling down his cheeks as he made the call and returned to the kitchen. He handed the phone to Jonas who took it calmly.

“Stay with him,” Jonas mouthed at the same time he talked to the operator on the other end of the phone. “I’m going to get a few things. Make sure he keeps breathing.”

With that Even was left sitting with Isak’s unresponsive body next to him. He put his hand on top of Isak’s shoulder and ran his other hand through Isak’s hair.

“Please be okay,” he begged.

-

The last hour had been a bit of a blur and Even still felt shaky. He and Jonas waited for someone to tell them how Isak was doing. The ambulance had come in under ten minutes and they had taken care of Isak. Even had stayed in the background and let the paramedics care for Isak and Jonas give them all the information about Isak’s condition, his medication, how he had been feeling recently.

Isak had been whisked away to the hospital and Jonas had driven them there since both couldn’t go with Isak and Even was too frantic to get himself to the hospital.

“I shouldn’t have let him make tea,” Even muttered more to himself than anyone else.

The guilt was eating him alive and all he could think about was that he could have prevented this from happening.

“It’s not your fault,” Jonas said. “This was going to happen anyway.”

“What does this mean?” Even asked.

“That he’s getting worse probably. His heart is not strong enough to pump his blood around his body which means that he’ll pass out if he overexerts himself. It could be just a fluke, but it likely means that he’s getting weaker.”

Jonas seemed so calm and through all of this he had been calm and collected and done all the right things whereas even had found himself frantic and useless, completely powerless to help.

“How can you be so calm?” he asked.

“This isn’t the first time something like this happens,” Jonas said calmly. “You get used to it, I guess. Or not used to it but you get better at handling things. The first time it happened I was a mess.”

They didn’t have to wait much longer before a doctor approached them. He seemed to know Jonas and Even realised that Isak had been admitted to the hospital frequently since he got sick. These doctors and nurses knew him and Jonas very well. Even didn’t understand much of the medical terms and focused on studying Jonas’ reaction instead of the doctor’s actual words. That way he could hopefully detect if it was good or bad news. Jonas was tight lipped and impossible to read.

“He’s resting now. We are going to keep him here for a few days to monitor him. You know the drill,” the doctor spoke mostly to Jonas and ended with a small smile. “He’s in room 305. Vera will show you there if you want to.”

Jonas nodded.

“Thank you, Anders,” he said.

The doctor smiled warmly and patted Jonas on the shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said.

The doctor walked away and the nurse he had referred to soon approached them and politely offered to take them to Isak’s room.

“You can go and see him if you want to,” Jonas said. “I’m going to go and call his dad.”

Even nodded. He wasn’t keen on going without Jonas because he didn’t know what to expect. He needed to see Isak though and in the end the need to see that Isak was alive won over his fears.

He followed the nurse to Isak’s room, heart beating rapidly the entire time. Isak barely looked different even in the hospital room full of equipment and monitors.

Isak lay on his side on the bed. He had wires on his chest and tubes in both hands. His left arm was wrapped in soft gauze. Even expected him to be sleeping but when Even entered the room he opened his eyes slightly and smiled faintly.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

“Hi,” Even said. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Isak said slowly. “I’m okay.”

“You scared me,” Even said and leaned towards the edge of the bed.

“Sorry,” Isak mumbled he looked towards his bandaged arm and Even followed Isak’s eyes.

“I burned it,” Isak noted.

He moved his fingers gingerly.

“Where is Jonas?” he asked and looked at Even.

“He went to call your dad,” Even said. “He should be back soon.”

“So you’ve talked to my doctor then?” Isak said closing his eyes momentarily. “About what’s going on,”

Even nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. “I didn’t understand most of it though. I’m not good with all medical terms and stuff. They said you have to stay a few days though.”

“Yeah, I’ve talked to him briefly,” Isak said. “Fuck, I’m sorry you had to go through this. This was meant to be a weekend for us to just talk and make up. Not this…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Even said. “It’s not your fault it happened. I’m still glad I came here. I’m still glad we got to talk. And I’m not leaving until tomorrow so we still have some time.”

The room fell quiet and for a moment Even was convinced Isak had fallen asleep. He was just about to move to a chair when Isak spoke again. His voice was barely audible.

“Can I tell you something?” he whispered.

Even put his hand on Isak’s knee.

“Yeah of course, you can tell me anything!”

“I’m scared,” Isak breathed. “I’m scared and I don’t want to die. There are just so many things I wished I got to do again. Things that will never happen. I won’t become a doctor. I won’t meet someone. I won’t move in together with my boyfriend or get married. I won’t get to have kids or even see my friends have kids. I’m not going to buy a house and renovate it or even have a dog. I’m only 25 and I don’t want to die.”

“Sh…” Even hushed, though his tears threatened to fall.

He forced away the lump in his throat and blinked away the tears. Isak needed him right now. Isak needed someone to be strong for once and Even could be that person. He had to.

“I’m so tired, though.” Isak said.

“It’s okay,” Even promised. “It’s okay to be tired.”

“Don’t tell Jonas I’ve said all this.” Isak mumbled. “It’s going to break him and I can’t make him sad. He’s put his life on hold for me and I know that he is scared too. Of losing me. But I also know that when it happens it will be a relief for him. He’ll be able to move on.”

Isak fell asleep soon after and Even was left sitting next to his bed. Back stiff and shoulders tense. He studied Isak’s face and suddenly memories of him and Isak returned to him. He had lied awake next to Isak so many times and studied his face while the other boy slept. Isak’s long lashes fell over his cheeks and his mouth with that perfectly shaped cupid’s bow was relaxed. He looked peaceful.

Even looked up at the sound of Jonas entering.

“I’ve called his dad and texted Eskild. Eskild will be here in the morning. His dad is in Trondheim so I’ll keep him updated and if Isak gets worse he’ll take the first flight back.” Jonas said.

They had to leave Isak for the night and take the car back. It felt even weirder than it had been. Even felt exhausted by the time they got home. Jonas cleaned up the mess he had left in the bathroom as well as vacuumed the kitchen floor before he headed to sleep and Even found himself sitting on the couch for almost an hour before he got ready for bed himself. Even then he found it hard to fall asleep.

-

Eskild arrived at the hospital at the same time Even and Jonas did the following morning. He didn’t bat an eye before he drew Even into a hug. Just like Jonas he looked tired and worn out, and once he let go of Even to turn to Jonas he looked devastated. Even felt his stomach turn into a knot.

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it?” he said.

Jonas nodded and Eskild gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder as the three of them started making their way to the right floor. The nurses greeted them as they arrived on the ward and informed them that the night had been calm.

Isak was awake when the trio arrived and apparently he was just about to finish his breakfast. He looked up as they entered and when he spotted Eskild his smile widened.

“Hi, Eskild,” he said.

Eskild hurried to his side and wrapped him up in a hug.

“Oh, Isak,” he said and from where he was standing Even could hear the quiver in Eskild’s voice. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Isak said. “Don’t worry about me so much,”

“We brought you some stuff,” Jonas said and put the bag he had carried at Isak’s feet. “Your laptop and earphones. There is some pants and a hoodie in there as well. Have you spoken to the doctor yet?”

Isak dragged the bag towards him and unpacked the laptop and earphones with a grateful smile.

“Thanks,” he said. “No, not yet. They should be doing rounds soon though so. I guess we’ll see then.”

The three of them stayed for a few hours before Eskild had to leave for work and Even needed to head to the airport to catch his plane back to Copenhagen. He didn’t want to leave at all. Especially not when the weekend had ended with Isak in hospital but he had a meeting tomorrow that he couldn’t postpone or cancel.

Jonas stepped out to buy lunch to give them some privacy and Even felt thankful for their little moment. It felt like the weekend had not been enough time for them. He needed more time.

“So,” Isak started. “Thank you for coming. It meant a lot to me. I’m sorry it ended the way it did.”

Even sat at the end of the bed holding Isak’s hand. He looked down at their joint hands. The words were stuck in his throat and he couldn’t come up with anything to say. Nothing was enough. Was this going to be the last time he ever saw Isak? It couldn’t be. He couldn’t accept it.

“I’ll come back, okay?” he said. “I’ll come visit again real soon?”

He looked up at Isak through his tears.

“Yeah, okay,” Isak said. “I’ll see you soon then.”

Isak smiled sweetly and brought up his hand to touch Even’s cheek. He let his fingers wipe away Even’s tears in gentle motions.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered.

Even took a hitched breath and tried to control his sobs. Isak sat up a little straighter in the bed and leaned towards Even with his arms opened and Even accepted the hug without hesitation.

-October-

Even got back only two weeks later. This time Tilde hadn’t even tried to protest as Even booked the tickets and announced that he had taken some days off from work. He took the same flight he had little over 2 weeks ago but this time his dad picked him up at the airport.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Even asked as the two of them were on the highway on their way to Oslo.

A few days ago Even had called and told his parents he was coming and he had briefly mentioned he was going to see Isak so his parents now knew that Even knew about Isak. His dad cleared his throat, his eyes never leaving the road in front of him.

“You know it wasn’t our secret to tell,” his father said calmly as if he had expected Even’s anger and prepared for it. “Isak asked us not to and we had to respect his wishes.”

“Please don’t tell Even about this, he doesn’t need to know.”

“Isak…”

“He would want to know about this. I know he would. It would devastate him.”

“Just don’t tell him. Please?”

“Yes of course.”

“But what about me?” Even exclaimed. “Didn’t I have a right to know? I can’t believe you kept it from me all while you invited Isak over for dinners. I’m your son for goodness sake. I deserved to know.”

“I understand why you are angry about this but mom and I did what we thought was the right thing.”

Even didn’t answer. He knew that his anger was probably disproportionate but he felt like because of their decision to not tell him he had wasted so much time. Time he could have had with Isak. Now that they had made up all he wanted was spend more time with Isak while he could. The two of them had talked on the phone a few times and texted every single day. Even Tilde had noticed.

“Are you coming to stay with us?” his dad asked after a few minutes of silence.

Even shook his head.

“I’ll stay at Isak’s,” he answered.

“Oh, okay. Mom will be a bit upset about that. I think she was looking forward to seeing you. Me too of course.”

“Yeah I’ll come over for dinner though,” Even answered.

His dad nodded and a small smile appeared on his face.

“How is Tilde doing?” he asked.

“Good, I guess,” Even said. “She has been a bit busy at work recently, but she is doing okay.”

They spent the rest of the car ride talking about Tilde and Even’s mother’s new car and everything in between and when his dad finally dropped him off in front of Isak’s building his dad turned towards him.

“You should invite Isak over too if you want. And Jonas maybe.”

Even smiled.

“Yes I’ll ask them. I’m sure Isak would like that.”

It was Isak that opened the door and when he noticed Even’s face go from surprise to study him worriedly for any signs of deterioration he chuckled slightly.

“I’m not completely broken yet,” he commented and smiled.

He still wore the oxygen tube in his nose but otherwise he looked about the same.

“It’s good to see you again,” Isak smiled. “Thanks for coming,”

Even returned the smile and gave Isak a quick hug before taking off his shoes and hanging his coat on the rack behind him.

Then he followed Isak into the living room where Isak evidently had been residing earlier. Isak sunk down on the couch again and Even sat down next to him. Maybe Isak was a bit worse because the trip to the door and back seemed to have tired him out and for a few moments he just sat in silence.

“Where is Jonas?” Even asked.

“Grocery shopping,” Isak said. “He should be back soon though.”

Even nodded.

“How are you feeling?” he asked and studied Isak’s face carefully.

Isak smiled.

“I’m okay, mostly. No real difference I guess. I’m a little more tired though. My ankles are a bit swollen.”

“But no news…?” Even asked.

Isak shook his head and offered another smile. This one a little more dejected. Even forced himself to not cry. All he hoped was for Isak to get a new heart or news that he was magically improving, but as each day passed his hope had decreased. He wondered if this is what Isak felt in the beginning.

“Mom and dad invited us for dinner,” he said instead to change the subject to something lighter. “They really want to see you again.”

Isak nodded.

“That sounds good,” he said. “If it’s okay with you!”

Even could sense Isak study his face for a reaction. Maybe Isak was still worried that Even wasn’t completely over the past.

“Of course it is okay with me,” he said.

Later when Jonas had come home and the three of them had made dinner together Even once again found himself trying to sleep on the couch. It had been a long day, but he didn’t really feel tired at all. After dinner they had sat down together in the living room and eaten some ice cream and watched some TV. Halfway through the movie Isak had started to fall asleep and when Even had glanced worriedly between Isak’s sleepy form and Jonas, the latter had given him a sad smile, indicating that this had become a normal occurrence. To Even it was just another sign. Isak was slipping away from him.

Even shifted uncomfortably on the couch. Even if it was a large couch he struggled to find a good position to sleep in but mainly he just felt restless. As he tried to relax he heard the door to Isak’s bedroom open and the sound of footsteps in the hallway. A few seconds later Isak’s body appeared in the doorway to the living room. Even sat up as Isak started to slowly make his way through the room.

“Hi!” Even whispered.

Isak jumped slightly at the unexpected sound.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he said.

“No, I was awake,” Even whispers. “I can’t sleep.”

“Me neither. I was going to sneak out to the balcony.” Isak says.

“The balcony?” Even asked.

Isak nodded with a cheeky smile.

“Don’t tell Jonas,” he said.

Even ended up following Isak outside and made sure Isak was comfortably seated on one of the chairs. Isak was dressed in a thick hoodie but Even made sure to fetch one of the blankets from the living room which he draped over Isak’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Isak mumbled as Even took a seat next to him.

“Are you sure you are supposed to be outside?” Even said lightly.

Isak looked up at the sky.

“I guess not. But a few minutes is not going to make a difference,” he said. “I just want some fresh air and see the stars. It’s not every day I have the energy to go out and today was one of those days so then it’s just nice to sit here for a little while.”

They ended up sitting on the balcony for almost 30 minutes, covered by the same wool blanket that Even had got for Isak. Isak leaned his head against Even’s shoulder and Even could feel the other boy relax against his body. Even wrapped and arm around Isak’s side, allowing Isak to lean even heavier.

“Maybe we should go inside,” Even said eventually even if he felt like staying the whole night.

It was getting cold and he didn’t want Isak to be exposed to the chilly night for too long. Isak nodded tiredly and Even helped him up and inside. Once he was back on the sofa it was with a slight tinge of guilt as he thought about Tilde. He shouldn’t be getting this close to Isak. It shouldn’t feel so good to be that close to Isak when he had Tilde waiting for him at home.

-

He and Isak went to see Even’s parents two days later. Even had offered Jonas to come and even if it had seemed like Jonas wanted to come in order to keep an eye on Isak, Isak had managed to convince Jonas to have a night for himself. So now the two of them sat next to each other at the dinner table, Even’s parents on the other side.

“This is nice,” Even’s mother commented as she put some roast chicken on Isak’s plate. “It’s always nice to see you Isak and it’s always nice to have you back home Even.

His father nodded in confirmation.

“So what have the two of you been doing the last few days?” his mother asked and Even could tell she was doing her best to keep things casual and normal. At least as casual and normal as the situation allowed.

It wasn’t everyday you were with  your parents and ex-boyfriend who had a terminal illness trying to have dinner. Isak smiled politely at Even’s mother as he accepted the plate from her.

“This looks really tasty” he complimented. “We’ve not been doing much. We took a walk around the block but that’s about it.”

Isak looked over at Even, smiling.

“I’m not the most exciting company unfortunately,” he said.

“You are alright,” Even said and returned the smile. “I can’t complain when you let me choose the movies.”

They all laughed.

“Have you talked to your doctor recently?” Even’s dad asked and Even closed his eyes.

Isak seemed unaffected by the question though because he finished chewing calmly before looking up at Even’s dad to answer.

“It’s not great, to be honest,” he said. “There’s not much they can do at this point. I can just hope for a transplant but the chances aren’t the best. I try to take it one day at a time, though.”

“Let’s play a game... It’s called Isak and Even minute by minute….the only thing we have to worry about is the next minute. Do you want to do it?”

“Okay, what are we going to do this minute?”

“This minute we are going to kiss.”

“That’s chill!”

Even’s mother had tears in her eyes when Isak finished and she reached across the table to cover his hand with hers.

“Oh sweetie,” she said. “We are going to be there for you no matter what happens.”

He couldn’t sleep this night either and as he lay awake it wasn’t the sound of a door opening that brought his attention but the sound of Isak coughing. He winced at the sounds and slowly stood up and walked towards where the sounds were coming from. He knew Jonas would probably be alerted soon but that didn’t stop him from wanting to check on Isak. He opened the door and peeked inside. Isak was sitting up in his bed, leaning forward slightly.

“Are you okay?” Even said as he took a few steps into the room.

Isak coughed again and winced as he brought a hand towards his chest.

“Did I wake you?” Isak said, repeating his question from the other night.

“No,” Even said as he sat down next to Isak and put his hand on top of Isak’s. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked. “Do you need some water or something?”

Isak shook his head.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Just stay with me for a little while?”

“Of course,” Even nodded and winced as Isak started coughing roughly again.

Even rubbed Isak’s back in comforting movements and eventually Isak stopped coughing. When he looked up he had tears in his eyes from all the coughs. Even brought up a gentle thumb to wipe them away. He smiled gingerly until Isak returned the smile.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hey,” Isak answered.

They were sitting opposite of each other and Isak reached out to touch Even’s cheek with one of his hands. Isak’s fingers felt soft against Even’s skin which caused Even to shiver. Isak looked him deeply in the eyes with a look that made Even’s heart beat faster. He could feel Isak’s warm breaths against his skin as Isak leaned closer, and before he knew it Isak was pressing his lips against Even’s. Even closed his eyes and kissed him back until he felt Isak withdraw from him, and when he opened his eyes again Isak was looking at him in panic.

“I’m sorry,” Isak said. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m really sorry-“

Even took Isak’s hand again in order to stop Isak from pushing away from Even.

“Isak,” he said calmly. “It’s okay!”

Isak shook his head.

“It is not,” he whispered. “You are…it was stupid of me. I just wanted. I just wanted to kiss you one last time. I just wanted you to be my last kiss.”

A tear made its way down Isak’s cheek. This time from sadness and Even pressed his thumb against Isak’s cheek again. They looked at each other again and without hesitation Even leaned in for another kiss. He brought up both his hands to cradle Isak’s face gently as the two of them kissed. Isak got a bit breathless eventually and Even helped him lay down and made sure his pillows were nice and fluffy behind his back. He felt reluctant to leave and when Isak soundlessly shifted to give room for Even to lay down next to him he gave in and lay down on his side close to Isak’s side. He fell asleep shortly after and sleeping next to Isak felt way better than on the couch in the other room.

He slept next to Isak for the remaining nights but nothing else happened between them. Isak didn’t try to kiss him again and they never talked about it, but every night after Jonas had gone to sleep Even tippy toed silently into Isak’s room and lay down next to Isak. They held each other closely just like they used to, with Isak resting his head on Even’s shoulder and Even playing with Isak’s hair until they both fell asleep.

As he sat on the plane home he could feel the guilt return full force. He should never have kissed Isak back and he should never have kissed Isak a second time. There was no excuse. He just wanted to be as close to Isak as possible for the little time they had together. Deep down he knew he was not over Isak.

“I kissed Isak!” he confessed as soon as he had gotten home from the airport a few days later. “Or he kissed me and I let him and then I kissed him again. We shared a bed but nothing else happened. I’m really sorry. He kissed me because he wanted me to be his last kiss. It’s not an excuse though and I’m really sorry.”

Tilde shook her head, her mouth thin and tense.

“I kind of knew this was going to happen,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I never wanted to hurt you… it just happened...”

“I honestly don’t think you are over Isak yet. I could see it in your eyes when you got that phone call and when you insisted on taking time off to see Isak again I knew this was more than just a goodbye. You still love him. A part of you still loves him.”

She was right about everything.

“Yeah,” Even whispered. “Yeah I do. I’m so sorry. You deserve better than that.”

They broke up or went on a break or whatever you wanted to call it. It didn’t matter. Even just couldn’t focus on anything but Isak at the moment. Whether the feelings that had blossomed up were real or not he couldn’t stop thinking about Isak and it would be unfair to Tilde to keep pretending.

-November-

 From Jonas
Isak has pneumonia.
We are at the hospital with
him.

 Even felt his heart sink in his chest. This was what they had feared. Isak getting ill. Pneumonia was bad for anyone but for Isak it was life threatening. It had been another month since Even returned from his last trip and Isak had seemed to be doing okay up until now.

To Jonas
Is he okay?

From Jonas
It’s pretty bad! He is
struggling to breathe and the doctors
Want to put him on a ventilator

From Jonas
He doesn’t want to
be sedated though,
Eskild is trying to convince
him but I don’t think he will

To Jonas
But it could help him
right? Is he awake?
Can I talk to him?

From Jonas
Even, I don’t think
it will make a difference
He has made up his mind.
He is tired.

From Jonas
He’s so weak.
He doesn’t have the
energy to leave his bed.
He sleeps most of the day
and he is fed up with
living like that.

From Jonas
He probably won’t
survive a heart transplant
at this point. This could kill
him, Even.

To Jonas
Then he has to agree!
If there’s a chance that he can
beat it and a chance that he
gets a heart!

To Jonas
Please let me talk to him!

From Jonas
It won’t change his mind
We have tried. He doesn’t
want to. His life is slipping
away and he can feel it. He
is tired, Even. He is tired of
fighting and even if he wasn’t
he is really sick. Even on the
ventilator he may die.

From Jonas
If it comes to that point
he doesn’t want to be revived!

To Jonas
No, you have to let me
Speak to him. He can’t do
that.

To Isak
Isak you need to keep fighting
I can’t lose you right now!
Please. I’ll be on the next
plane!

From Jonas
It’s time to let him go, Even.

This time when Even flung the phone across the room the screen shattered. He flew out to Oslo for a third time that night. He just had to. He landed at the airport late and took a cab straight to the hospital. Once he arrived both Eskild and Jonas were there as well as Terje. Even hadn’t been faced with Isak’s father since before the break up but to his surprise Terje ended up pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you for coming here,” he said as he held onto Even a little too tightly. A little too desperately. “You are a good friend!”

The only response Even could muster was an awkward nod as he turned his attention to Isak. Eskild must have managed to convince Isak because the doctor had put him on the ventilator and pushed that awful tube into Isak’s throat. It looked painful and the sounds it made brought little comfort to Even’s racing heart. He forced his eyes from it and grabbed Isak’s hand instead, eyes turning to where his hand was grasping Isak’s instead.

“He agreed to be put on the ventilator,” Jonas said. “But he still doesn’t want to be revived and if he can’t be taken off the ventilator within the next few days he wants it switched off.”

Even nodded silently as his eyes never left his hand holding Isak’s. He wanted to argue and put up a fight but he understood that it wasn’t his place. As angry as he felt at Isak for being selfish and not wanting to put up a fight it wasn’t his place to speak up. He hadn’t had that right in a long time and he certainly didn’t have it now.

“How are you not angry about this?” Even asked later that night when it was only him and Jonas left.

Terje had gone home to his house to sleep and Eskild had left for work an hour ago. They would both be back in the morning.

“I am angry,” Jonas said. “I’m really fucking pissed about this, trust me.”

“But…?” Even asked.

“But I love my best friend too much to put him through any more of this. I love him too much to force him to fight when I can see how tired he is of fighting. I love him too much to let him suffer through more pain and rough nights. I can’t be selfish about this.”

Even nodded. He knew where Jonas was coming from and he wished he could be as strong and brave as the other man. The mere thought of Isak dying left him breathless and he could literally feel Isak slipping away from him. Isak’s hand was cold and unresponsive as Even held on to it for the majority of the time.

“Fight, Isak” he whispered selfishly when he was finally left alone for a few minutes as Jonas stepped out of the room to use the bathroom. “Please don’t give up.”

He brought Isak’s hand to his lips and kissed it softly.

“I can’t lose you yet.”

It felt like Even held his breath for two days until Isak responded to the antibiotics and could be taken off the ventilator. When Isak was well enough to stay awake and sit up in bed Even ws crying in relief. Everyone was. Eskild, Mahdi and Magnus, Terje, Sana had all visited during these two days and Jonas had not even gone home during the night. Even had never seen Jonas this desperate but he truly was and it wasn’t until Isak was getting better that Jonas allowed himself a break. Jonas was worn down. His t-shirt hung loosely on his shoulder and the dark circles underneath his eyes were a deep contrast to his otherwise pale face.

Even, Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus all had dinner the night before Even was set to go home to Copenhagen and Mahdi and Magnus to return home to Bergen and Trondheim. It felt weird to be sitting there with them now without Isak. They caught up with each other's lives and discussed Even’s upcoming movie projects. The atmosphere around the table was tense without the fifth member of their former squad. Isak was still in the hospital and would be so for several days longer but he was determined to go home no matter what the doctors would say. They all knew it was just a matter of time now. It was late November and without a transplant the doctors didn’t expect him to live through Christmas.

Even said goodbye to the three of them but instead of going to sleep at his parents he ended up at the hospital again. It wasn’t the usual visiting hours but Even didn’t ask and no one told him to leave. He had barely had a chance to talk to Isak since he had woken up and now that he was leaving again he had to take the chance to see Isak. The other man was asleep when he entered the room and Even took a seat next to him. He watched the monitors that were connected to Isak in some way. Over the past days Jonas had explained what each of them were doing.

Ten minutes later Isak wrinkled his nose and began to stir. Seconds later he opened his eyes and looked blearily at Even.  

“Halla,” he said, voice still strained and evidently sore.

“Halla,” Even said. “How are you?”

Isak smiled.

“I’m good,” he said. “Maybe not good but you know…”

Even nodded.

“I thought you were going home?” Isak asked.

“Had to say goodbye to you first!” Even said. “I’m leaving in the morning.”

Even’s hand soon found Isak’s and he let his fingers curl around Isak’s smaller hand. Isak’s skin was hot against his own but his grip was tight and firm. Even looked down at their intertwined fingers with a feeling of despair. His chest hurt at the thought of this being the last time he ever saw Isak. He didn’t want to accept that. But he had his life back in Copenhagen which he had to return to and a movie to start planning. Most likely he wouldn’t be able to return to Oslo before the New Year. But he still had a little bit of time and he didn’t have to leave the hospital until early morning.

“Scoot over” he whispered and helped Isak move to the side of the bed before he lay down next to Isak carefully.

He draped his arm over Isak, hugging him closer and Isak rested his head against Even’s shoulder.

“I’m really happy you are here,” Isak mumbled. “Even if I die soon I’m still insanely happy that we got to do this.”

“Me too,” Even whispered feeling tears press behind his eyes.

He closed his eyes, pressing a kiss to Isak’s forehead and running his fingers along Isak’s back. Isak fell asleep within minutes but Even remained awake the whole night, lying close to Isak and holding the other boy tightly against his own body.

-December-

It felt horrible going back home but Isak and Even had made an agreement. They would not see each other again. Their last moment together had been so beautiful and intimate and Even wanted that to be his memory of Isak. He wanted to remember Isak’s smell, the softness of Isak’s curls and even the sounds of Isak’s raspy breaths. He wanted to remember the feeling of having Isak in his arms. Before he left in the early morning he had kissed Isak one more time. He had caressed Isaks cheek in his hand and pressed his lips to Isak’s, giving Isak his last wish. Then he had spent almost the whole plane ride home crying.

Unless Isak miraculously got a new heart they wouldn't’t see each other again, and even if the thought shattered Even’s heart he agreed to go through with their deal. They continued to text and talk on the phone every day but as the month went by it was painfully obvious that Isak’s health continued to deteriorate.

Their phone calls got shorter and shorter and sometimes Isak fell asleep in the middle of their conversation. Sometimes he was so breathless he could barely speak and sometimes he had a hard time keeping up with what Even was saying and he would sound confused on the phone. It felt like they were just counting the days now. Every time they talked could be the last and Even clung desperately to the sound of Isak’s breathless voice, not willing to let go.

“I love you,” Isak whispered on a good night. “I still love you.”

“I love you too,” Even answered as the tears streamed down his face and he clutched his chest painfully.

As the seconds passed in silence Even feared that Isak had fallen asleep again but then Isak cleared his throat.

“There’s a letter for you…” he mumbled. “Jonas has it. I wrote it a long time ago in case I’d never got to see you. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. For everything. For letting you go and for hurting you. I’m sorry I gave up and let you down when you  needed me the most. I’m sorry I was such a coward. I’m sorry I was selfish. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner...”

Even closed his eyes and pushed a hand over his mouth to suppress a sob. It was so unfair. They needed more time together.

“Isak,” Even said. “Listen...I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry I didn’t think about you back then. I’m sorry I drove you away. I’m sorry I told you I wished I had never met you. I’m sorry I told you I hated you.”

The next day Isak never called and when Even tried he never picked up. With shaky fingers Even called Jonas instead. Holding his breath until the other man finally picked up.

Isak had been hospitalised again after passing out in the bathroom. There was also a lot of fluids in his lungs. The doctors wanted him to stay but Isak had convinced them to let him go home again. He wanted to be home for Christmas and the New Year. Between the lines it was clear: Isak wanted to die at home.

“He wants to stay home. He doesn’t want back to the hospital again,” Jonas said. “There’s not much we can do, honestly.”

Jonas yawned on the other end, his voice laced with tiredness.

“I should be there,” Even tried, and for a second he wanted to screw their deal and jump on the plane to Oslo tonight.

“No, Even!” Jonas said firmly. “You should stay home with your family. It is what Isak would want. He cares about you so much and he doesn’t want to put you through that kind of pain. If he got to decide we would just all leave him when the time comes but that is not going to happen.”

They talked for a few more minutes until Even had to go. His parents were travelling to Copenhagen for the holiday and he still had a few things to sort out before they arrived. As he picked them up on the train station a  few hours later he could see the sadness in their eyes. They all thought the same thing. Their Christmas Celebration was small, just the three of them. They cooked dinner together and opened their gifts in the living room late at night.

From Isak
Merry Christmas <3
Say hi to your parents
from me <3

To Isak
Merry Christmas, Isak
<3

-January-

It was a week into the new year and Even had held a workshop for the film students at the university in Copenhagen. Once he stepped out from the classroom in the afternoon he looked at his phone for the first time in hours. He had three missed calls from Jonas and six texts.