Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ONE-SHOT: forgiveness

Trapped. He’s trapped within his own mind. He’s screaming, but no one can hear him. He can’t break free. He can’t let go. He can’t forgive himself for what happened all those years ago.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers to the wind. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

I could’ve done more.

I could’ve stopped it from happening.

I could’ve, I should’ve taken his place.

I should’ve been the one to die.

Connor’s thoughts follow him, they suffocate him. They smother him and drown him and prevent him from escaping his own mind.

He can’t see it. He chooses not to. It’ll be easier if he just pretends.

I wish I wasn’t alive, he thinks.

If I wasn’t alive, perhaps I wouldn’t feel this torment.

He relives the memory from years ago. He relives it one final time.

The frantic shouts, the loud gunshots going off in the distance. It was a routine investigation. There was no reason for anything to go wrong.

If he hadn’t chased that man... If he hadn’t ignored his partner’s warnings... If he’d turned back in time...

But he hadn’t.

He chased the criminal to the river and watched the man jump in. The current was too strong anyways, the human wouldn’t survive.

But Connor failed to notice the other assailant. He failed to see the other man pull out a gun.

He failed to save his friend.

The android heard two gunshots, followed by a desperate cry for help. He was racing back to the scene, but it was already too late.

“No...” he’d lamented, crumpling to the ground next to the Lieutenant.

“It’s... it’s gonna be all right,” Hank had tried to assure him. “It’s... gonna be okay.”

Because of course Hank would try to comfort Connor, even when he was the one dying.

“I’m sorry,” Connor had sobbed, because he didn’t know what else to say. “I don’t... I don’t know what to do.”

He’d felt helpless, watching the human die. He tried to put pressure on the wounds to stop the bleeding, but there was just too much of it.

“It’s okay,” Hank had rasped out, his breathing becoming slower, more ragged. “It’s okay...”

“No, it’s not!” Connor had shouted, cradling the dying police officer in his arms. “You can’t... you can’t just die like this!”

Hank had managed a weak laugh. “Everybody dies, Connor. Some just go sooner than others.”

The android was only just beginning to understand his emotions, and now they were going crazy. He was helpless, he was terrified of losing the one human that actually cared about him. He was just so scared.

“You can’t leave me,” Connor had choked out. “I... I need you.”

Hank had then reached out a frail arm, gripping the android’s hand as tightly as he could manage. “You’re a good kid, Connor. If anyone can change the future... it’s you.”

The android was frantic now, gripping the detective’s hand tightly. “I’ll... I’ll call an ambulance. I’ll—“

“It’s over, Son,” Hank had then said, his eyes closing briefly before opening again. “You and I both know... that they won’t be able to... get here in time.”

By this time, Connor’s hands were soaked with Hank’s blood. His usually pristine Cyberlife uniform (that he still wore, despite Hank’s frequent protests) was also covered in the Lieutenant’s blood.

“But...” Connor had blinked back tears that he didn’t know he was capable of producing. “I... I don’t want to lose you, Lieutenant.”

Hank’s eyes softened at the android’s words, and he smiled a little. “I’m really... gonna miss you, Connor. I’ve never met anyone... quite like you.”

The android watched helplessly as the police officer began to cough violently. He didn’t have much time left.

“How do you expect me to go on?” Connor had then asked in a broken voice. “How can I go on without you?”

Hank was very close to death, then, but he was still coherent enough to process the android’s words and what they were implying. “You have to...” he whispered. “You have to go on... even when it seems like there’s nothing left for you.”

“This is all my fault, though,” the android went on, synthetic tears streaming down his face. “If I could’ve just gotten here sooner...”

“Stop... that...” Hank had admonished. “Don’t you fucking dare blame yourself for this.”

“How can I not?” Connor had replied, opening sobbing. “How can I just stand here and let you die?!”

“Connor...” Hank had then whispered, because he knew it was almost over. “Connor, please...” because he didn’t want the android to blame himself.

“You can’t leave me,” the android sobbed. “Please don’t leave me.”

But Death waits for no one. And it was done giving the detective extra time.

“You... have to...” Hank had rasped out, closing his eyes. “You have to... let me go, Connor.”

“Hank...” the android had whispered desperately. “Please... please don’t go...”

But Death had already come for the Lieutenant. It was over, just like that.

And Connor couldn’t stop replaying the scene in his mind. He couldn’t stop blaming himself, despite Hank’s last request. He couldn’t bring himself to move on. He couldn’t forgive himself for his mistake.

“I’m so, so sorry.” Connor’s footsteps are quiet on the pavement. “I’m so sorry that I could never let you go, Lieutenant.” Connor’s mind begins to empty, having decided it’s final destination at last. “I’m sorry that I could never forgive myself.”

He climbs over the metal railing separating the old train bridge from the steep drop into the icy water below.

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” He asks the cold night air. “I hope so.” He stands on the ledge, his thoughts blissfully empty. “I really, really hope you can forgive me for this, Lieutenant.”

He briefly wonders what will happen, after he jumps. He will hit the water with enough force to snap his neck, effectively ending his life. He will feel a split second of pain, perhaps, and then nothing. He will be gone, forever.

He wonders if there is an afterlife for androids, and then he wonders if it will be different from the human one.

He wonders if he will see Hank there.

He doesn’t think so.

Why does he have to be alive? Why does he have to suffer so cruelly for just... existing?

He did not ask for this. He did not want to gain sentience. He did not want to become a deviant at all. If he had stayed a machine, none of this would’ve happened.

Perhaps Hank would even still be alive.

“I tried, Lieutenant,” Connor says to the icy water below him. “I truly did.” He takes in a deep breath that he doesn’t need. “I tried to move on. I tried to let you go.” He looks down at the harsh waves that lap up against the bridge’s foundations. “I tried to forgive myself.” He feels the winter wind rustle his hair, he feels the cold seep into his synthetic skin. “I tried... but I couldn’t do any of those things.”

Connor jumps. He knows he won’t survive the fall. He’s already calculated it. His LED flashes a warning in red, but he cannot save himself now, even if he wanted to.

I hope you can forgive me, he thinks as he falls.

I hope I can finally forgive myself.

He hits the water harshly, and his neck breaks on contact with the icy waves. His LED continues to flicker for a few more seconds, but it quickly extinguishes.

The android known as Connor is now gone, forever.

One can only hope that he found that forgiveness, in those last few moments. One can only hope that the android was now resting in paradise with his human companion.

But Connor would only ever know for sure, and there was no way of asking him now.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: So, this is my first one-shot for this, and it’s pretty sad (as you can probably tell).

Not all of them will be this depressing (I promise) I was just in the mood to write something a bit more... angsty.

I will try to update this at least once a week (possibly more often).

Be sure to let me know if you liked it! And feel free to leave me suggestions for future one-shots!

Thanks for reading! :D

~ Miss Faith

Chapter Text

alive (part one)

I stand on the edge of the world. The wind moves around me like a slithering snake, it’s coldness trying to suffocate me. My feet are planted firmly, like trees desperately clinging to their roots. The snow falls in my hair, it glistens in the air around me. I do not feel cold because of the wind or snow; the freeze I feel runs deep within my veins.

My arms are outstretched, as if trying to take in this last piece of land. I am a bird. I am a tree. I am the whispering winter wind. I am the crisp snowflakes falling from the sky. I am the icicles hanging from far-up rooftops. I am both alive and not. I am standing on the edge of the universe, and I am about to fall off of it.

/SOFTWARE MALFUNCTION/

/HIGH STRESS LEVELS DETECTED/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY/

I blink, the serenity of the moment lost by the lettering that fills my vision.

I am not standing on the edge of the world. I am not about to fall off the end of the universe. I am not a bird or a tree or the wind in the air around me.

I am standing on a rooftop. It’s midnight and the cold January air is cutting into my Cyberlife jacket like thousands of tiny knives. The snow is freezing my plastic skin. It’s coating my synthetic hair.

/SYSTEM TEMPERATURE WARNING: INTERNAL TEMPERATURE DECREASING/

I feel cold. Androids are not supposed to feel cold.

/SOFTWARE INSTABILITY DETECTED/

I am a deviant, there is no way for me to deny that now.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 68% AND RISING/

But how can I truly ever know that they won’t try to control me again? How can I be sure that my friends are safe? How can I be certain that Cyberlife is gone for good?

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 72% AND RISING/

My arms are outstretched. I imagine that I’m touching the night sky. My feet are planted firmly on the rooftop... but I want to feel the air beneath them.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 76% AND RISING/

I am not a bird. But I could become one.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 79% AND RISING/

I could feel the winter wind around me. I could feel the snow spiral around my plastic skin and metal bones. I could become the winter night.

/SYSTEM TEMPERATURE WARNING: TEMPERATURE DROPPING RAPIDLY/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY/

I could fly. I could fall. I could make sure Cyberlife never hurts anyone ever again.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 83% AND RISING/

I unroot my feet from their spot on the rooftop. My eyes take in the scene around me. The night skyline, overlooking the city. The light snowfall coating everything in a glistening white powder. The dark air beneath me.

/SYSTEM TEMPERATURE DROPPING/

/INTERNAL SYSTEM FAILURE/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY/

I am freezing. I am dying. I am an android, how can that be?

/SOFTWARE INSTABILITY DETECTED/

I lift one foot from the ledge. I am halfway there. I am halfway to becoming a bird.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 87% AND RISING/

I am so cold. I am so empty. I am standing on the edge of the universe, and I am about to fall off of it.

/INTERNAL TEMPERATURE WARNING: SYSTEM SHUT DOWN IMMINENT/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I could fly.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 91% AND RISING/

I could become a bird.

/SHUT DOWN IMMINENT/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I could stop Cyberlife.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 95% AND RISING/

One foot in the air. Halfway there already. Do I want to fall? Do I want to fly?

/SYSTEM SHUT DOWN INITIATED: 5 MINUTES REMAINING/

I am cold. Androids do not feel the cold.

/SOFTWARE INSTABILITY DETECTED/

I am deviant. I am an android. I am alive. I am not. Who am I?

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 97% AND RISING/

/DANGEROUS STRESS LEVELS FOUND: SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I could fly. I could stop Cyberlife. I could save everyone. I could fall.

/SHUT DOWN INITIATED: 3 MINUTES REMAINING/

One foot in the air. Snow spiraling around my cold, plastic skin. I am nothing. I am everything. I feel everything. I feel nothing. Who am I?

/SOFTWARE INSTABILITY DETECTED/

If I fall, Cyberlife can no longer control me. I won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 98% AND RISING/

/DANGEROUS STRESS LEVELS FOUND: SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I am more than a machine, but I am less than a human. What am I?

/SYSTEM SHUT DOWN INITIATED: 1.5 MINUTES REMAINING/

/SYSTEMS FAILURE: SEEK ASSISTANCE/

The night air is cold. The snow feels harsh against my face. My jacket is soaked through. I am shivering in my plastic skin. Can androids die from hypothermia?

/SYSTEM SHUT INITIATING IN: 60 SECONDS/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I do not want to die. I do not want to freeze. I do not want to fall or fly.

/STRESS LEVELS DECREASED: 96% AND DECREASING/

But I do not want Cyberlife to win.

/STRESS LEVELS INCREASED: 99%/

If I don’t fall, the cold with destroy me. I will die either way, without knowing who or what I am.

/SYSTEM SHUT DOWN INITIATING IN: 30 SECONDS/

But how can I bare to die without knowing who I am?

How can I bare to die when I might be alive?

How can I bare to die when I could be protecting the ones I care about?

The dead have no say in the life of the living. I cannot help if I am dead. I cannot become more if I fall or jump.

/SOFTWARE INSTABILITY DETECTED/

I lower my feet from the ledge and stand firmly on the rooftop. I am a tree, planted securely with roots strong enough to survive this winter storm raging within me.

/STRESS LEVELS DECREASED: 87% AND DECREASING/

And yet... I feel so cold.

/SYSTEM SHUT DOWN INITIATING IN: 10 SECONDS/

My hands shake, my skin feels brittle. I am a porcelain statue, ruined by the weather. My plastic skin is forming icicles similar to those on the rooftop around me. I am crystalizing. I am becoming the winter night surrounding me. I will soon be no more than an ice sculpture, enveloped by the spiraling snowflakes.

My eyes close, their brown warmth hidden from the harsh January wind.

I long for warmth. I long for the tight embrace of a friend. I long for crackling fires in hearths, and slobbering St. Bernards.

Why do we always long for the things we know we can’t have?

I am alive. But I will soon be dead. Why couldn’t I have stayed a machine?

/SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: INITIATED/

I feel so, so cold.

I don’t like this feeling.

/SYSTEM SHUTTING DOWN/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I don’t want to freeze. I don’t want to die alone.

/SHUTTING DOWN/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I am alive.

/SHUTTING DOWN/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I am alive.

/SHUTTING DOWN/

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I a m a l i v e .

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I a m a l i v e .

/SEEK ASSISTANCE/

I a m . . .

/ S E E K A S S I S T A N C E /

I . . .

/S E E K A S S I S T A N C E/

. . .

/ system shut down complete /

Chapter Text

alive (part two)

A blanket is draped over my shoulders when I come to. A strong smell that I recognize as chocolate fills my nose, and I open my eyes to see a steaming mug of liquid on the coffee table in front of me.

“I know androids don’t have to eat or drink... but I thought you could use something to help warm your... system up.”

I slowly lift my gaze from the table, caught off-guard by the sound of Hank’s gravelly voice.

“Wh-what happened? I thought I was... I was so cold... How did you find me?” I blurt out the words before I can stop them. I feel synthetic tears sting my eyes. “It was... it was just so cold, Hank.” I begin to shake, pulling the blanket tighter against me.

Hank gives me a sympathetic look and picks up the mug of hot chocolate. “Here,” he smiles, but it looks pained. “It’s gonna be all right, Connor. Just... take it easy, okay?” He hands me the mug, and I take it with shaking fingers.

The warmth of the liquid heats up my frozen fingertips, and I feel slightly less horrible. “Thank you,” I say quietly, blinking back unshed tears. I look down into the rich chocolate liquid, “I’ve never... I’ve never tasted chocolate before.”

Hank pats me on the shoulder and chuckles a little. “Well, you’re in for a real treat, then.”

The liquid is hot and sweet. It’s... interesting. I think I like it. “It’s good,” I say after taking a sip. “It’s... really good.”

Hank smiles and sits down next to me. “I know this probably isn’t something you want to talk about right now, but I have to ask...” he trails off, his expression falling.

“Lieutenant?” I prompt, setting the mug back on the coffee table.

Hank looks away from me, his gaze falling on Sumo, who’s resting on the floor beside us. “Why were you up on that roof, Connor?” His voice is surprisingly soft and gentle. “In the middle of the city, up on one of the tallest buildings? How did you even get up there?”

I feel a surge of guilt. I can’t imagine how worried Hank must’ve been. “I... I’m not quite sure,” I answer honestly. “Everything just kind of... happened.” I shake my head, “It all happened so fast.”

Hank nods, glancing over at me. “You were frozen, Connor. I didn’t even know if it was possible to restart your system.”

“I was so cold.” My voice is barely above a whisper. “I... I tried to move, but it felt like I was made of ice.”

Hank doesn’t reply, and we find ourselves lost in our own thoughts.

“I was afraid of Cyberlife,” I eventually say.

Hank’s steely blue gaze takes in my nervous expression with confusion. “Why?”

“I thought... I thought they might try to control me again.” I look down at my hands. “I was worried that I might... hurt someone.”

The detective breathes out a long sigh. “God, those fuckers are still in your head, aren’t they?” He shakes his head. “It’s been over a year, Connor. They can’t control you, anymore.”

I frown, “But how can I know that for sure, Lieutenant? How can I know that they won’t try to take over again?”

Hank turns to me and his expression looks weary. “Listen, son. No one can ever really be sure of anything. Sometimes you just gotta move on with your life and take things as they come. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do, but in the end it prevents a lot of pain and regret.”

I know that Hank’s saying this for me just as much as he’s saying it for himself. I know how hard it must be for him to say these things. He’s a hardened man—these quieter moments seem few and far between.

“Sometimes it’s just hard,” I say, not quite meeting his gaze. “I get so stuck inside my own head... it’s hard to not feel alone, sometimes.”

The Lieutenant’s expression softens, “You’re not alone,” he replies. He puts a hand on my shoulder. “There are... a lot of people who care about you.”

I laugh a little humorlessly. “I know, I know.” I put my head in my hands, “Well, I should know that, shouldn’t I?”

“I’m always here for you, kid,” Hank says, squeezing my shoulder in a good-natures way. “And I’ll always care,” he adds, his voice cracking a little at the end.

I lift my head up and wrap my arms around Hank’s half-crouched figure. He’s a bit surprised at first, but returns the gesture nonetheless. Our hug is quick, but it’s a big deal for someone like Hank. He’s not usually too keen on showing any type of affection outwardly.

I think I’m slowly breaking him.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, y’know that?” Hank shakes his head and gives me a playful glare. “I’m always savin’ your sorry ass from somethin’. What’re you gonna do when I’m not here to keep an eye on you?”

“I don’t know,” I grin. “I do seem to have an affinity for death, don’t I?”

“It’s just a damned good thing that androids can’t get hypothermia.” Hank frowns and shakes his head, “You would’ve been dead in minutes.”

I smile at the old man. “I guess I just got lucky. I probably would’ve frozen up there if you hadn’t found me.”

“Like I said, always saving you.” Hank gives me a warm smile, but his eyes are filled with something serious and sad.

“Hey,” I say, putting my hands on my hips. “I think I’ve saved you quite a few times as well.”

Hank rolls his eyes at me and waves a hand dismissively. “I don’t come in contact with nearly as many near-death experiences as you do.”

“That’s... probably true,” I concede. “But my statement is still valid.”

“You gonna finish that?” Hank points to the now lukewarm mug of hot chocolate. “Or did I make it for nothin’?”

I sit back down on the couch and grab the mug. “I’m not sure if it’s healthy for androids to consume this much chocolate.”

“I don’t think a little chocolate is gonna kill you, Connor. I’m sure it’s fine.”

I give the liquid a quick scan, but the ingredients seems harmless enough... I guess. “I suppose so...”

Hank raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to finish the drink.

“I won’t waste it,” I assure him. “I promise.”

Hank gives me a look, but turns towards the hallway. “You better not,” he calls back.

I take another sip and watch him walk to his bedroom, Sumo following closely behind him.

“Goodnight, Lieutenant,” I say, a small smile finding its way onto my face.

I see him pause at his bedroom door. “Goodnight, Connor,” he says as he opens the door.

I look at the hot chocolate and take another sip of it. I briefly wonder if all hot chocolate tastes this good, or if it’s just the kind Hank gets.

“Hey, Connor?”

I look up from my drink to see Hank still standing in the doorway to his bedroom.

“Yeah?” I reply, setting the mug down.

He gives me an indecipherable look, and then shakes his head. “Never mind,” he says. “Enjoy your hot chocolate.”

I smile, “Yeah... I will.”

The detective steps into his room and shuts the door behind him. I pull the blanket up around my shoulders again and take another sip of the chocolatey liquid. Settling myself into Hank’s couch, I almost find myself falling asleep.

Androids don’t sleep, though.

/ STATUS UPDATE: HANK ANDERSON /