Archive of Our Own

“Class, if I may have your attention please.”

There were still a few minutes before the bell was supposed to ring so nobody was in their seats, but they all obediently looked to the front of the room. Once she was satisfied that she had their attention, their teacher continued.

“We have a new student joining us today, and I want you all to make him feel welcome. Do you understand?” A chorus of yes ma’am’s followed and she nodded approvingly before opening the door to the classroom. A small boy with black hair walked in, eyes cast low. He stood at the front of the room and fidgeted nervously.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” their teacher prompted. The boy jumped.

“Um…” he said quietly. “M- my name is Kaneki Ken and I um… I have face blindness. I uh, um, I hope you’ll treat me well.” He bowed and quickly went to find his seat. The class tittered and Hide watched the newcomer sit down, curious. He didn’t approach him that day like most of the other students, but when he got home he had a very important question.

“Dad, what’s face blindness?” he asked. His father looked up from his papers.

“Face blindness, huh?” He thought about it for a moment. “Well… essentially, it’s when you can’t remember what people look like. It’s when the little part of your brain that holds on to faces doesn’t work right.”

Hide pondered that for a while. He tried to imagine what it would be like to see someone and not recognize them no matter how many times you met. And then he got an idea.

The next day his fathers took him in to school early to speak with his teacher before class started. She seemed a bit startled at first, but adjusted quickly and even praised Hide for being such a considerate child. Hide smiled, then sat at his desk and waited.

Kaneki entered the room slowly, as he always did, making sure not to draw attention to himself. He sat down and pulled out his book, but stopped when someone appeared next to him. He looked up.

He had never seen this person before. He didn’t need to recognize faces to know that. Nobody in the classroom had such bright yellow hair, he was sure of it.

“Hi!” said the blond kid, smiling. “My name’s Nagachika Hideyoshi, but you can just call me Hide! You’re Kaneki, right? It’s nice to meet you!”

Kaneki blinked, overwhelmed. A few seconds later he remembered to pull out his notebook and flipped to a blank page.

“Um…” he stammered, his writing sloppy. “Na- naga…?”

“Nagachika,” repeated the kid. “Nagachika Hideyoshi.” Kaneki dutifully wrote down the name and added ‘blond’ as a bullet point underneath it.

“What’s that?” asked Hide, leaning over and reading his notes. “Are you writing about me?” Kaneki shrunk in his seat but nodded.

“It’s…” he said hesitantly. “It’s how I remember people. So I can tell them apart.” Fortunately Hide seemed to notice that he was making him uncomfortable, because he backed off.

“That’s cool,” he said encouragingly. The bell rang and the teacher told them all to find their seats. Kaneki saw the other kids whispering and giggling and Hide as he sat down and added another note.

‘Friendly.’

 At lunch Hide made his way back over to Kaneki’s desk.

“Is it okay if I eat with you?” he asked. Kaneki nodded and Hide pulled up a chair. He noticed that Kaneki had his notebook out again and was reviewing his notes as he ate. It was sweet, how much effort he put into remembering his classmates.

One of the girls walked up to them and put a hand over the notebook. “Hey, Kaneki-kun, what’s my name?” she asked. Kaneki looked at her.

“Um…” he said, obviously trying very hard to come up with an answer. The girl waited a minute until it was clear that he didn’t know.

“I’m Mayu,” she told him. “You’ll be able to tell ‘cause of my pigtails.” As she said this she flipped one of the aforementioned pigtails over her shoulder. She released his notebook and Kaneki dutifully flipped to her page to add ‘pigtails’ to her list of characteristics. He was frowning.

“Are you okay?” asked Hide carefully. Kaneki sighed and nodded.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I just have to work harder is all.”

Hide thought about that. “I don’t think it’s a problem with you,” he said. Kaneki looked at him, confused. “I mean, like,” he continued, “I doubt I’d be able to remember everyone’s names after one day, so it’s not… you don’t need to feel bad about it?” He probably shouldn’t have said anything- he wasn’t making any sense. But apparently Kaneki understood well enough, because he smiled.

“Thank you,” he said shyly. Hide beamed back at him. This seemed as good a time to ask as any.

“So,” he said, leaning forward. “Do you wanna be my friend?”

 For the next week, Hide wouldn’t stop talking about his new friend. His fathers found it remarkably endearing.

“And then,” he said through a mouth full of food, “the teacher said that we could be on classroom duty together! Since he’s never done it before and all that. So we get to hang out even more now!” He grinned and his fathers smiled at him.

“It sounds like you two are getting along just fine,” said Asahi. “Why don’t you ask him if he wants to come over some time? We’d love to meet him.”

Hide’s face lit up with excitement. “Really?” he asked. “You mean it?”

“If you finish your dinner and do all your homework,” Yuuto added. They both laughed as Hide suddenly became very serious about shoveling food into his mouth, holding up his empty plate for inspection. Without another word he rushed upstairs to complete his homework.

The next day he practically ran all the way to school. Kaneki usually got there pretty early and he wanted to be there when he arrived. Sure enough, Kaneki walked in just a few minutes after Hide.

“Kaneki!” he called out, running over to him. “Do you wanna come over to my house? My dads said I could invite you!” Kaneki looked at him in surprise.

“Your dads did?” he asked.

“Yeah! Whaddya think?”

Kaneki considered. “I… I’d have to ask my mom, but… I think it would be fun to meet your parents.” This was his first time being invited to someone’s house. People were usually nice to him, but he had trouble making friends when he couldn’t remember who anyone was. His mother had moved them out here specifically so he could go to a school with fewer people in it in hopes that he would be able to socialize better.

That weekend he found himself at Hide’s front door, swallowing nervously. He knocked and was greeted by a man in his late twenties. Out of habit he immediately starting searching for something to remember him by; he was wearing a blue shirt and it looked like he hadn’t shaved that morning, which was all he could discern before he was ushered inside.

“Kaneki!” said Hide when he saw him walk in. “Hi! These are my dads, Asahi and Yuuto. Asahi’s the one with the ponytail. Wanna see my room?”

He took Kaneki by the hand and led him upstairs. His room was brightly colored and fairly clean, save for the comic books in a pile in the corner.

“It’s usually a lot worse than this,” Hide confided in him, “but I cleaned it up just for today.”

Kaneki giggled. It seemed very like Hide to have a messy room. His eyes were caught by the bookshelf and he wandered over curiously.

“Do you like books?” Hide asked him. Kaneki nodded.

“Books are easy,” he explained. “They always tell you who’s doing what. With real life there’s nobody to tell you that stuff.” He hesitated, wondering if maybe that was a weird thing to say, but Hide seemed interested.

“What’s your favorite book?” he asked.

“Favorite…?” It was a difficult question. “I don’t know if I have a favorite favorite.”

“That’s fine. Just talk about whatever books you like most.”

Kaneki eyed him. “…That’s a lot of them,” he warned.

“Try me.”

It seemed that today was truly a day for firsts, because Hide actually listened.  Even his mother tended to lose focus when he talked about his stories for too long. It was nice, being listened to.

That evening when it was time for him to go home, Hide gave him a hug. Kaneki felt warmth flood his body and just barely managed to hug back without being too awkward about it.

“I’ll see you at school?” said Hide and Kaneki smiled at him.

“See you at school,” he agreed.

 Over the next month their friendship grew and it became a regular occurrence for Kaneki to go home with Hide after school. They would work on their homework together and play video games, or just sit quietly and read. It didn’t really matter much as long as they were together.

 One day in art class their teacher announced that they were going to be starting a special project.

“I want everybody to pick a partner,” she instructed, and Hide and Kaneki immediately went to each other’s side. Once she was satisfied that everyone had paired up, the teacher continued. “We’re going to spend a week drawing each other!” she said, clasping her hands together. Most of the class responded neutrally or with mild enthusiasm, but Kaneki looked worried.        

“You’ll do fine,” Hide told him as they set up their easels. “You’re good at art.” Kaneki didn’t seem convinced. For the next week they dutifully sat facing one another, doing their best to replicate what they saw on the paper. Hide was a little worried for Kaneki’s sake, but he doubted he could do much worse than any of the other kids, especially him. Art had never been his strong suit.

Kaneki absolutely refused to let him see his paper while they were still working on it, but when the week was up their teacher announced that she would be hanging all of their portraits on the walls.          

"I won’t look if you don’t want me to,” Hide offered. Kaneki sighed resignedly.

“It’s fine,” he said. “We can go look together?”

When they got to the classroom there was already a crowd of students gathered around the art wall. A couple of them turned around when Kaneki arrived.

“Is that really yours?” someone asked him. Hide followed his finger to Kaneki’s drawing. It was good. Like, really good. He had no idea what Kaneki had been so nervous about.

“Really?” Kaneki asked when he told him. Hide nodded vigorously.

“Totally,” he confirmed. “Way better than mine.”

Kaneki looked at Hide’s drawing of him. “I dunno,” he said honestly. “Mine’s just… shapes. It’s not very interesting.”

“'Just shapes,’ he says,” said Hide. “Well I think it’s good, so there.”

Kaneki couldn’t exactly argue with that.

 Before they knew it, they were starting middle school. Kaneki was nearly overwhelmed by the sea of identical uniforms, and Hide had to fight with the administration to keep his hair dyed, but they stuck together despite everything.

“Hey weirdo, what’s my name?” Mayu laughed as she stood over Kaneki at his locker, blocking his way. They’d been assigned to different classes but she always seemed to find a way to corner him. This time she’d brought a group of other students who all seemed interested in getting a look at the face-blind kid.

“Please leave me alone,” he said quietly. Mayu laughed at him.

“Where’s your notebook?” she sneered. “Did you lose it?” Kaneki placed his backpack behind him defensively.

“Please, just leave me alone,” he repeated. Mayu wasn’t amused.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said, smirking. “If you can name three of the people here without checking, we’ll leave. How does that sound?”

Kaneki gritted his teeth. He wouldn’t have been able to do that even if he were normal and she knew it. He cast his eyes around for a way out, a sinking in his stomach until he saw a familiar head of blond hair.

“Fine,” he told her, standing up. “I’m Kaneki. You’re Mayu. And that’s Hide.” While she was still caught off guard by his response, he ducked under the nearest bystander and took his place by Hide’s side. Hide shot a glare in Mayu’s direction and put an arm around Kaneki’s shoulders.

“Wanna go home?” he asked. Kaneki leaned against him and nodded. On days like this they would go to Hide’s room and lie on the bed together until all the stress had melted away. With the door closed the air was still and they could pretend like they were the only ones in the world. Kaneki usually stayed for dinner so he wouldn’t have to eat alone while his mom was at work, and then Hide would walk him home and they’d start all over again the next day. He wished that just once they could make it through a school day without being picked on or harassed or reprimanded, but the world was not kind to those who were different. They were easy targets, so all they could do was hold their breath and hope they would eventually be forgotten.

 Besides Hide, Kaneki took solace in two things: writing and art. After that day in elementary school he had continued to practice and found that it actually helped with his condition- somewhat, at least. He got used to looking at faces in sections rather than a whole, and breaking it down into parts made it easier to categorize; this person had sharper eyebrows, that person’s nose was slanted differently, and so on. He couldn’t visualize any better, but given two photographs and enough time he could determine with surprising accuracy whether they were of the same person.

Hide’s theory was that he was good at art because he never assumed to know what someone looked like. His only choice was to focus on individual details and replicate them as faithfully as possible without even being able to worry about the bigger picture. Kaneki didn’t particularly care about the why- he just liked doing something that made him feel closer to other people.

His other passion started much in the same way. While trying to translate physical characteristics into words for his notebook, he discovered that he actually had quite a lot to say. Sometimes he wrote stories, other times he just let his thoughts flow freely onto the page. He’d only let Hide read a few of his pieces, but Hide thought that what he’d seen was very impressive and continued to encourage him.

Their teachers noticed his talents as well. One day after class the art teacher pulled him aside and handed him a piece of paper.

“I’m thinking of starting an arts journal,” she said, “as a way for students to share their work with others. That paper has all the details on the submission process and deadlines. You should consider it.”

 When he told Hide about it, he seemed to think it was a great idea. “Man, can you imagine how cool that would be?” he said. “You should totally do it!”

“You think?” Kaneki asked, uncertain. He didn’t think that what he made was bad, but he also didn’t think anyone would be interested in paying money for it. Hide took the description out of his hands and looked at it. The deadline was a couple months away and you could submit both visual art and writing. It sounded perfect for Kaneki, in his opinion.

“Think about it,” he said. “You could totally be an artist or an author when you grow up, and this way you could get a head start! Ooh, what if someone professional sees it and you get famous or something! Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

Kaneki couldn’t bring himself to agree. Fame was probably the last thing he wanted- it would just be drawing more attention to himself. Hide noticed the uncomfortable look on his face and smiled at him sadly.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he said gently. “But you shouldn’t let other people stop you if it’s something you enjoy.”

He wished it could be that easy. Hide knew what he liked and he was confident in himself. He could be popular if he wanted to, but he chose to hang out with him, the weird kid with no friends. Kaneki, though; he couldn’t bring himself to not care. As much as he wanted to be, he wasn’t strong enough to ignore the things people said about him. He would never understand how Hide could just… put himself out there like that. Why he would chooseto live like this.

“Hey,” said Hide, putting a hand under his chin and raising it so he could look him in the eye. “Let’s get you out of that head of yours, yeah? What are you thinking?”

And maybe he hated how sensitive he was, but he loved how Hide made him feel. How he listened to him and understood him, and every once in a while he thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad, being like this, if it meant that he got to be friends with someone so wonderful.

“…One condition.” Hide blinked at him, confused.  “I-” he tried again, summoning all of his courage, “I’ll do it. On one condition.”

Hide nodded as if to say, lay it on me. Kaneki swallowed. “If,” he said, “if it’s really bad, you have to tell me, okay?” He blushed, worried that it sounded stupid, but Hide didn’t laugh at him. Instead he took his hands and brought them to his chest, smiling.

“It won’t be,” he promised, “but if it were I’d tell you. I’d never lie to you.”

And that was why he trusted him. Even if it did make him more of a target, Hide believed in him and he wanted to make good on that belief. He wanted to earn it- to be the person that Hide thought he could be. And if this was the way to do that, he wouldn’t let himself have any doubts about it.

 “How’s it going?”

They were holed up in Hide’s room as usual and Kaneki had been drawing for almost half an hour.

“I’m almost done with this bit,” he answered. After a few more minutes he held it up for inspection. Hide swiveled his chair around and leaned in closer for a better look.

“Wow,” he said, impressed. “It looks just like her.” Only the top half of the face was completed, but it was rendered with stunning accuracy.

“Really?” Kaneki turned the picture back towards himself and squinted at it, trying to compare between his drawing and the photo of his mother he’d printed off.

“Really,” Hide assured him. “I’m sure she’ll love it.”

It had been Hide’s idea that he draw his mother. He could scan it for submission and give the original to her as a present on her birthday, which was only a little bit before the deadline. To make sure it was a surprise he was storing the work in progress at Hide’s house, which meant that he spent more time there on the weekends so he could finish it in time. Hide was fine with this- any time spent with Kaneki was time well spent.

As the date grew closer his visits grew longer until he was spending the night on a regular basis. Hide’s fathers had taken to checking up on them every couple of hours with snacks or something to drink just to make sure everything was alright.

“…There. I think it’s done.” It was almost one in the morning and Hide was half asleep, but he perked up when Kaneki made his announcement.

“Really?” he asked. “Lemme see.” Kaneki turned the paper around and Hide let out a low whistle.

“Okay, I know I’ve said this like a thousand times, but woah. Like, woah. It’s super incredible.” Maybe not the most eloquent of praise, but he was tired. Kaneki seemed to take it for what it was worth, because he smiled before yawning loudly.

“So,” he said, covering his mouth with one hand to hide another yawn, “now I just need to... to take it to school and use the big scanner, then…”

“What you need is to go to bed,” Hide told him. He was honestly amazed Kaneki was still functioning after all the work he’d done.

“Right,” he said, eyelids drooping. “I don’t wanna fold it, so we’d probably have to store it somewhere safe until…” he appeared to lose his train of thought and just sat there for a moment until Hide lightly plucked the drawing out of his hands and put it on his desk.

“Sleep now,” he said firmly. “Thinking later. Understood?”

Too tired to protest now that he didn’t have anything to focus on, Kaneki nodded and crawled into bed, and Hide joined him.

The next morning they carefully brought the drawing downstairs and showed it to Hide’s fathers.

“That’s amazing,” said Asahi. “You’ve got some talent, kid.”

“It’s very good,” Yuuto agreed. Kaneki smiled with a mix of embarrassment and pride, swinging his legs under the table all throughout breakfast. On the way to school they held the drawing between them, careful not to let anything happen to it. After some careful consideration they decided to keep it in the back of the classroom until lunch when they could go to the staff room and use the scanner there. It was the first time Kaneki had ever had difficulty paying attention in class.

Lunch finally rolled around and Kaneki was out of his seat in a flash, grabbing the drawing and practically running to Hide’s desk. Hide took his hand and they walked to the staff room together. The art teacher was there specifically for any students who wanted to use the scanner- she showed them how it worked and helped line up the paper.

“And there it is,” she said, showing them where the file had appeared on her computer. “Do you have a title for it?”

Kaneki blanked. He’d been so excited about doing something new that he hadn’t thought about it.

“…Well, it’s a picture of your mother, right?” their teacher prompted. “Why don’t I just call it ‘Mother’ for now and if you come up with something else we can change it. How does that sound?”

Kaneki agreed and she deftly renamed the file. And just like that, it was done; he had drawn something and given it away to be shown. He felt strangely giddy about it.

“You did it!” said Hide as they walked back to class. “How’s it feel?” He was about to respond when they reached the door to their classroom and heard someone speaking. Kaneki frowned; class hadn’t started yet, so who…?

Mayu was sitting on his desk, holding one on his journals open and reading it aloud. The rest of the class had gathered around her to listen and giggle. The butterflies Kaneki had felt in his stomach turned into bricks.

“‘I do want to believe in the fundamental goodness of people,’” Mayu read, smirking. “‘But in the end I just don’t have enough experience to make that sort of judgment.’ God, how pretentious can you get? What a loser.”

He couldn’t move. Why was she here? Had she seen them leave the classroom? Right on cue she looked up from her reading and sneered at him.

“What?” she asked mockingly.  “You have a problem?” Suddenly everyone was looking at him and he felt hot and uncomfortable but he was still rooted to the spot even though he wanted nothing more than to find a good hole in the ground and die. He was vaguely aware of Hide walking past him and shouting something at Mayu but he couldn’t hear much over the blood rushing in his ears. This was what he got for putting himself out there. He should have trusted his instincts.

Someone took the opportunity to grab his drawing out of his hands. “Who’s this supposed to be?” they laughed. That was enough to drag Kaneki out of his shock-induced haze and he tried to take it back but he wasn’t fast enough and they held it out of his reach.

“Give it back,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. He lunged for it and managed to grab an edge but the one who had taken it pulled back at the exact same time and a pit opened in his stomach as he heard it tear.

The sound echoed in his mind even as Hide returned with his journal and reclaimed the other half of his drawing, even as he took him by the hand and lead him out of the room, out of the building and all the way home. He didn’t notice the concerned look on Asahi’s face when Hide opened the door or hear him ask what had happened. He just kept clutching the torn portrait to his chest and doing his best not to hyperventilate.

Hide led them into his room and closed the door behind them, gingerly lifting the drawing from his hands and putting it aside. Without saying he wrapped his arms around him, holding him as close as he could. Kaneki closed his eyes and let the tears steam silently down his face.

He liked to believe that he was a pretty decent person. He did his best to give people the benefit of the doubt if he could. But now- he had never hated anybody more than he did in this moment. To look at someone so kind, so genuine, and to find it in yourself to hurt them so deeply… it was unforgivable.

“Is it my fault?” Kaneki whispered and Hide’s rage tripled. They had made him feel like this. He wanted to scream at something, but that wouldn’t help Kaneki and helping Kaneki had to be his priority right now.

“It’s not your fault,” he said vehemently. “It’s them, it’s always them. You’re wonderful, they just can’t see it.” Even as he spoke his heart was breaking that Kaneki could ever think he had done anything to deserve this.

“I just-” Kaneki started before beginning to cry in earnest. He clung to Hide as he sobbed, burying his face in his neck. Hide rubbed circles on his back and whispered comforting things that probably weren’t true. He wasn’t sure how long Kaneki cried, but eventually his sobs died down and his breathing evened out some, though he was still shaking. Gradually the shaking stopped too as he ran out of stamina and fell asleep from pure emotional exhaustion. Hide picked him up and tucked him into bed.

Asahi knocked softly on the door a few minutes later. Hide explained to him what had happened and he nodded understandingly, casting a sympathetic glance in Kaneki’s direction.

“Do you want me to go pick up your things from school?” he offered. They had sort of left in the middle of the day, after all. “I’ll be back in maybe half an hour, and then I think I have an idea that might help, okay?” He ruffled Hide’s hair. “Take care of him.”

Kaneki woke up around sunset. For a few seconds he hovered in the state between sleep and consciousness but he was unceremoniously brought out of it be the memories of what had happened earlier that day. He curled into a ball and fought the urge to cry again.

“Hey,” said Hide softly beside him. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Kaneki shook his head. It wasn’t going to be okay. He had dared to step out of his comfort zone and been promptly put back on his place and the only solution was to never do anything ever again.

“Hey,” said Hide again. “Look at me? I’ve got something that might make you feel a little better.”

Begrudgingly Kaneki stuck his head out from under the blankets to look at whatever Hide had to show him. He blinked once, twice. The drawing he had done of his mother was… intact? He was confused.

“Pretty good, huh?” Hide asked. “Unless you get really close, you can’t even tell anything happened!” To prove his point he held the picture up to his face where he could, if he squinted, make out the line along which it had been torn.

“The, uh, the back’s not as pretty, but nobody’ll see that part.” Kaneki flipped it over and took in the mess of tape stretched across it. “My dad helped me get everything all lined up,” Hide told him sheepishly. He nearly fell over backwards when Kaneki hugged him, eyes welling up again.

“Hey, I- don’t cry, it’s okay!” he floundered. Kaneki shook his head again, but for a different reason this time.

“I’m not sad,” he said, sniffling. “I’m happy. Thank you.” Hide smiled and him and returned the hug, wiping away his tears with one free hand.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he said genuinely. “But you’re welcome.”

 Middle school came and went and they found themselves starting high school. They had been a little nervous going in, but it was just more of the same; there was still teasing, but it had gotten to the point where their bullies had run out of new ideas. It was easier to deal with when you knew what to expect.

“Just a couple more years and we’ll be out of here,” Hide whispered conspiratorially. “Isn’t that exciting?” Kaneki shrugged. It wasn’t that he wanted to stay any longer than he had to, but at the same time graduating would mean either university or getting a job and he didn’t know if he was ready for either of those.

High school, of course, didn’t care if he was ready or not. They passed out the career forms and told everyone to hand them in within a week. He stared at the slip of paper glumly before stuffing it in his backpack to think about later.

“Man, already?” said Asahi later that day when he checked up on them and saw the forms mixed in with their other homework. “When I was in high school they at least gave us a few months before we got these. You boys have any idea what you’re gonna put?”

They glanced at each other and shrugged. Asahi put the forms back. “That’s fine,” he said. “You’re still young. If you can’t think of anything, just write something random- they aren’t gonna hold you to it in first year.”

Eventually Kaneki ended up doing just that. He looked up colleges in the area and wrote down the first three results without any further research. Like Asahi had promised, none of the teachers asked him any questions about majors or why he’d chosen those three over any others. It was just a procedure that everyone had to follow. Still, he knew that one day it wouldn’t be and that someday he’d have to make an actual decision about his future.  Just one more thing to deal with.

As with everything, Hide seemed to find it much easier to deal with than him. “I was thinking about English,” he told him one day in their second year. “What do you think?”

“That sounds great,” Kaneki said genuinely. “You’re good at English, I’m sure it’d be a good fit for you.”

“I know right? How about you? You got any ideas yet?”

He sighed. The short answer was no, he didn’t have any idea what to do with himself. The longer answer was that he knew what he’d liketo do, but nothing he likedto do worked as a viable career path.

“I dunno,” he said out loud. “Probably just something basic at a community college, I guess.”

Hide put his hands on his hips. “Come on, you’re selling yourself short! Dream big! What do you really want to do?”

Kaneki ducked his head. He’d been avoiding saying it out loud because he knew Hide would encourage him and they’d both end up disappointed when it didn’t work. But when Hide was looking at him like that, he couldn’t lie about it.

“…I kinda wanted to keep doing art,” he said meekly, before hastily adding “but I know that’s actually really hard, and I don’t wanna get my hopes up or anything-”

“Noooo,” Hide interrupted him. “Bad. Don’t say that. You should absolutely get your hopes up!”

  It was flattering that Hide thought so highly of him, but there was another problem he hadn’t mentioned. To tell the truth, he had already done some research on good art schools, but the tuition was far beyond what he and his mother would be able to afford. He didn’t want to tell Hide that, though, so he smiled and said he’d think about it.

Unfortunately for him, Hide was good at catching him in his lies. He raised an eyebrow suspiciously, folding his arms. He didn’t say anything, but the look on his face was enough to make Kaneki cave.

“Look,” he said uncomfortably, “I just don’t know if university’s even an option for me, okay?” Hide tilted his head.

“What do you mean?” he asked. Kaneki looked away, embarrassed.

“We…” he said, “we don’t exactly have that much money, you know? I don’t want to put any more pressure on my mom than I have to.”

Hide hummed in consideration. “I mean, that makes sense,” he said, “but you could always get a scholarship or something, couldn’t you? You’re smart, you could totally do it.”

If only. He got good grades, yes, but it wasn’t the same for him as it was for Hide. Hide was smart; he didn’t have to try to understand things, he just got it. Kaneki had to work at it. He barely managed to get the same results as Hide with twice the effort. Frankly, he considered it a miracle that they had even gotten into the same high school. He told Hide as much, but he didn’t seem too convinced.

“Come on, give yourself some credit,” he said. “You said yourself that our grades are pretty similar. So what if it isn’t as natural to you? You can still do it, and that’s what counts.”

Kaneki had to fight not to blush. There he went again, always making him feel better. Listening to Hide, it was impossible not to be motivated. He smiled at him, wondering how one person could be so bright.

“What?” asked Hide when he’d been staring for a little bit too long. “Is there something on my face?” Kaneki laughed and leaned against him.

“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just glad I met you.”

 Hide frowned. “Hold on,” he said, “go back to that last page.” Kaneki dutifully clicked the back arrow and waited while he re-read whatever had caught his eye. “Oh, English literature. Nevermind.”

They were lying on their stomachs on Hide’s bed, compiling a list of universities they might be interested in. Kaneki returned to the page he’d been on and kept reading.

“Hmmm…” he muttered. “It looks more science-oriented. What was that one that had the international program you liked?”

Hide searched through the tabs until he found the website in question, then scrolled down to their list of offered majors. “What’s the difference between visual arts and fine arts?” he asked.

“Fine arts has more theory in it, I think,” Kaneki answered. “What were the scholarship requirements again?” Hide found the appropriate link and clicked it.

“What do you think?” he asked as Kaneki reviewed. It was certainly promising- in addition to the usual test-to-qualify options, there was a special scholarship offered specifically to students with disabilities and from what he could tell, his condition counted for it. It involved writing an essay, but compared to what other schools provided it was definitely worth it.

“It does look good,” said Kaneki slowly, trying not to sound too hopeful. “I just want to make sure we have other options in case something goes wrong.”

“But we’re definitely putting this as out first pick right?”

“For now. There could always be something better.” But as it turned out, there wasn’t. Career forms were passed out again and Hide and Kaneki both listed Kamii in the first slot. Then all of a sudden it was almost time for entrance exams and it looked like this might actually be happening.

The weeks leading up to the exams were stressful, but they managed fairly well. They had visited a shrine on new year’s and prayed for luck in passing and studied as much as they could, and when the day finally arrived they felt about as prepared as they could be.

“Good luck,” said Hide before they headed in.

“You too,” said Kaneki. He swallowed and checked his room assignment. They’d made sure to get there early so they had plenty of time, but it was already crowded when he went to find his seat. Classmates were quizzing each other and loners were poring over flashcards in a last-minute attempt to gain an upper hand. Kaneki sat quietly and played with the hem of his shirt, suddenly feeling out of his depth.

There’s no time to be thinking like that,he told himself, shaking his head. You’ve gotten this far, you may as well see it through.With that in mind he sat up a little straighter and waited for the test to start.

The room went quiet when the proctor walked in and checked IDs. Exams were handed out and everyone held their breath while the proctor checked his watch.

“…And begin.”

The sound of rustling paper filled the air as everyone turned their booklets over. Kaneki was aware of his heart pounding and reminded himself to breathe. Hide had helped him prepare for this- what mattered most was that he stayed calm.

For several hours he was aware only of the paper in front of him. When the proctor called time he put his pencil down and blinked a couple times, bringing himself out of the fuzzy headspace he occupied when he was concentrating. Their papers were collected and he went to find Hide.

“So how’d it go?” asked Hide as they left the testing center. Kaneki shrugged.

“I answered all of the questions,” he said uncertainly. “I don’t know if I got them right, though. Uh, what about you?”

“I’m sure you did fine,” Hide told him. “I had some trouble on the science portion, but I kinda expected that so I’m not too worried about it.”

 Kaneki thought about it. “Well,” he said eventually, “we’ll know in a couple months, I guess.”

“A couple months,” Hide agreed. They just had to wait until then.

 A couple months passed and they were nervously sitting in the kitchen, holding a pair of envelopes. Hide’s fathers stood off to one side, not saying anything but crossing their fingers for good luck. Hide took a deep breath, glancing at Kaneki.

“Ready?” he asked. Kaneki closed his eyes and nodded. “Okay. Three… two… one!” They opened the envelopes in unison and removed their contents.

“You got in!” cried Kaneki with obvious relief. It took Hide a second longer to find the result, but he got there eventually and smiled.

“You got in too!” he said. In the corner his fathers hugged each other proudly. Hide’s heart felt like it was going to burst with happiness; they’d both made it.

He felt something else in the envelope and shook it out curiously. “Was there anything else in yours?” he asked Kaneki. Kaneki checked and shook his head. Hide frowned and unfolded the extra paper. His eyes widened.

“No way,” he said, a grin spreading across his face.

“What?” asked Kaneki, attempting to snatch the paper from him. Hide held it back and kept reading to make sure he hadn’t missed anything.

“You got the scholarship,” he said when he was sure. “Wanna guess how much it is?”

Kaneki tried again to grab it from him, not in the mood for playing games. “How much?” he asked, failing to hide the excitement in his voice. Hide smirked at him.

“Full. Effing. Ride.” He finally handed over the announcement to prove it. Kaneki read the details with an awestruck expression.

“I…” he said, lost for words.

“You did it, dude!” Hide filled in for him. “How sweet is that?” Kaneki made a choked sound and he knew him well enough to know that meant he was about to start crying. He reached across the table and took both of his hands in his own, smiling gently.

“Pretty awesome, right?” he prompted, and Kaneki nodded. He sniffled a little and wiped his eyes, a watery smile on his face.

“Congratulations, boys,” said Yuuto warmly.

“This calls for a celebration!” added Asahi. “What do you say we all go out to eat tonight? I’ll buy you ice cream, too.”

“Thanks, dad,” Hide told him, brushing Kaneki’s bangs back. “Sound good?” he asked.

Kaneki nodded again. “Yeah,” he said, his voice wobbling a little. “Can I go call my mom first?”

“Of course,” said Yuuto. “You might want to change out of your uniforms, too.” Hide looked down. They usually changed as soon as they got home, but then Hide’s results had been on the table and they realized that Kaneki’s had probably come too so they’d run all the way to his house and back and changing hadn’t exactly been a priority.

Hide grabbed some clothes from his room and went to the bathroom to change while Kaneki called his mother. He waited a few minutes to give him time to finish the conversation before heading back.

“So what’d she say?” he asked.

“Voicemail,” said Kaneki a little sadly. “I’ll see her later tonight though, so it’s fine.” It made Hide sad that Kaneki’s mother had to work all the time. It had to be lonely. But this wasn’t the time for sadness, he told himself, this was the time to celebrate!

“I bet she’s gonna be super proud of you,” he said, closing the door on that subject. “Let’s go, I’m hungry.”

 The year passed quickly after that. Around June they started looking for apartments and by early July they had found a nice two-person flat. They planned their schedules ahead of time so they would be able to sign up as soon as registration opened. The weather got colder and started to warm up again and then the cherry blossoms were blooming and it was time for graduation.

It was an interesting feeling, knowing he’d never have to wear a uniform again. His name was called and he held his shoulders straight as he walked across the stage, but he couldn’t help glancing back at Hide for support. He located the bright blond hair easily and Hide flashed him a thumbs-up.

After all the diplomas had been handed out they went outside to meet Hide’s fathers, who were talking with another parent.

“Hey, kids, congratulations!” said Asahi. The woman next to him turned and smiled at them.

“Congratulations, Ken,” she said and Kaneki blinked because that was his mother’s voice. He didn’t recognize what she was wearing but the voice definitely sounded like hers.

“…Mom?” he asked tentatively.

“I wanted to surprise you,” she said, and hearing her speak again he knew it was really her and he beamed.

“I thought you had work!” he said, surprised.

“I wasn’t about to miss my son’s graduation,” she told him as if it were obvious. “I can afford to take one day off.” Kaneki smiled again and looked at Hide, who smiled back.

“Alright,” said Asahi holding up a camera. “Let’s get a picture!” He positioned Hide and Kaneki next to each other and instructed them to smile.

“Perfect,” he said as the camera flashed. “Now one more for my phone… and… there we go!”

“Text it to me,” Yuuto told him.

Kaneki took Hide’s hand and turned to look at him. “Happy graduation,” he said. Hide grinned at him.

“Happy graduation,” he repeated. “Man, can you believe it? We graduated!” He raised his head, laughing at the sky. “I’ll never have math homework again!”

“First-years have mandatory general ed-” started Kaneki but Hide cut him off.

“Shhh,” he said, pressing a finger to his lips. “Let me have this.” Kaneki sighed, knowing he wasn’t being serious. He could understand the sentiment, at least. They were free to make their own choices. It was a little scary, but exhilarating at the same time.

That feeling came back a few weeks later when they officially moved into their new apartment. It wasn’t that far away from his house, but it would be his first time living on his own.

“Kaneki, do you have the scissors?”

Well. Not entirely on his own. He probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it if he were completely alone, but with Hide he felt braver. He’d always know it- as long as they were together, things would be fine. This was just another step they had to take.

 That said, adjusting had never been the easiest process for Kaneki. Now that they were out of high school, Hide wasn’t the only person around with dyed hair and on multiple occasions he had called out to someone only to awkwardly apologize when the person in question had no idea who he was. The first time it had happened he’d nearly gave a stranger a heart attack when he started crying.

It was also hard getting used to being in different classes. They had Asian History together, but besides that their schedules were completely different. It was a brand-new sea of names and faces he would never be able to hold onto and he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel overwhelmed at times. Fortunately he wasn’t expected to know everyone in all of his classes, so there wasn’t too much pressure, but he still missed the feeling of being grounded.

Throughout it all, though, there was Hide. As much as he enjoyed his classes, there was nothing that made him happier than coming home and knowing Hide would be there. Even if they had different homework, they could still sit side by side while they worked. When their schedules allowed for it they would meet up and have lunch, enjoying any time together they could. Weekends were the best, when they had nothing better to do than sit together on the couch and watch TV or talk.

“Alright, you’ve all had a few weeks to adjust,” said his studio professor. “How many of you feel ready for some live drawing?” A little over half the hands in the room went up. The professor nodded. “Good, good. It can be a little intimidating the first time, so don’t worry if you don’t think you’re up for it yet. We just want to get you drawing, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to.” One of the side doors opened and their model entered the classroom while the professor instructed everyone to find a drawing angle they liked. The model struck a basic pose and they started drawing.

Partway through the session the guy next to him took a peek at his drawing and raised his eyebrows. “You’re fast,” he said, impressed. “Have you done this before?” Kaneki hesitated, not sure what to say.

“Um…” he said before another student hushed them. The person who had been talking to him shot them a dirty look before returning to his own drawing.

Class ended and they put their things away to continue working on later. As Kaneki was walking out the door someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey! So yeah, like I was saying, you must have a lot of practice with anatomy and stuff, right?”

He blinked. This was probably the person he’d sat next to but he was still caught off guard. “I, uh,” he floundered. “I guess?” Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Hide’s signature yellow.

“Cool,” said his classmate approvingly. “See you later then!” and he walked off. Kaneki was confused.

“Who was that?” asked Hide, taking his hand as they headed for Asian History.

“I don’t know,” Kaneki told him honestly. “He just started talking to me.”

Hide laughed. “Well, at least you’re making friends,” he said. Kaneki wasn’t sure if that was how you made friends, but he really wasn’t one to say. He’d only ever been friends with Hide.

The next day he got to class to see his ‘friend’ was already there. Probably, at least. The only thing he could say for sure is that someone was sitting in the same spot. Whoever it was raised a hand in greeting when he walked in, so he waved back.

“I’m Satoshi, by the way,” he said when Kaneki sat down. “I realized I never really introduced myself.”

“Kaneki Ken,” said Kaneki, proud of himself for not messing up his own name. They made small talk while the rest of the class filed in and then dutifully resumed work on their drawings for the next hour.

“I’ve always been more into still-life,” Satoshi confided in him as they put their things away. “Humans are too complicated for me.” Kaneki nodded in what he hoped was an understanding manner.

“I’m the opposite,” he admitted. “I draw people all the time, but I’m not much good at anything else.”

Satoshi laughed. “Maybe we can help each other out then,” he suggested. “Bring your sketchbook to class next time, okay?”

“Oh, okay.” He took out his phone and sent himself a reminder just in case, then bumped into Hide.

“Hello there,” Hide smiled at him.

“Hi,” he said back, automatically lacing their fingers together. He turned to Satoshi and said, “Sorry, I have Asian History now. See you in class?”

“See you in class,” Satoshi confirmed.

Their next studio session was two days later, plenty of time for Kaneki to almost forget about bringing his sketchbook until he was halfway out the door and his phone chimed to remind him. It took a couple minutes to find it, and then he had to run to get to class on time. To his surprise, though, Satoshi wasn’t there when he arrived. Class started and the spot beside him was still empty. He didn’t show up for another five minutes, red-faced and out of breath.

“Forgot my sketchbook,” he gasped in explanation as he set up, and Kaneki laughed.

They had a double block that day, so they spent the next forty-five minutes working before the professor announced a ten-minute break. Kaneki and Satoshi pulled out their sketchbooks and started comparing drawings.

“So like,” Satoshi told him, “it’s mostly about shadows. Everyone always says that lighting is the most important thing, but you can’t draw light, you know? You can only make the paper darker. So with textures and stuff, I always draw the darkest parts first and go from there.”

Kaneki nodded- that made sense. He flipped to one of his recent sketches of Hide and considered it. The hair had always looked a little weird to him. Maybe if he shaded it differently…

Satoshi looked at the drawing. “Who is that?” he asked. “I feel like I’ve seen him somewhere before.”

Kaneki smiled. “His name is Hide,” he said. “I think you saw him when we were leaving class last time.”

Satoshi wracked his brains for a second before conjuring up the right memory. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I remember him. Are you guys dating or something?”

Kaneki blinked. Him and Hide? Dating?

“Uh…” he said. His first thought was no, they weren’t, but he hesitated. They were
living together, and they spend most of their free time alone together. Wasn’t that sort of what dating was?

Satoshi let the question drop but Kaneki continued to ponder. During Asian History he found himself getting distracted by Hide sitting next to him and couldn’t focus on the lecture. A couple times Hide noticed him staring but didn’t comment. He waited until they got home, and then had to ask.

“Hide, are we dating?”

Hide’s reaction was incredibly similar to his own: a blink, an almost response, and then several seconds of contemplative silence.

“I dunno,” he said eventually. “Did you want to be?”

Kaneki shrugged. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. “I mean, if you wanted to,” he offered. He had to admit though, when he really thought about it, it didn’t seem like ‘just friends’ was a good explanation of what they were. He was friends with Satoshi but he’d never wanted to hold his hand, or sleep in the same bed as him or lean against him or any of the things he did with Hide.

Hide took his hand. “Is, um,” he said awkwardly. “Is this okay?” Kaneki assured him that it was fine and he took a step closer so there was only an inch of space between them. Kaneki had to lift his head just a little to look him in the eye but he’d never minded that, the height difference.

“If we were dating,” he said, a tiny bit breathless, “what would we do now?”

Hide thought about it. “Kiss, maybe?” he suggested.

“That sounds about right,” said Kaneki, and kissed him.

Calling it a kiss may have been an overstatement; their lips were in contact, but more in the manner of two people packed into an overcrowded train car than anything intentional. He pulled back and tried again, making sure to angle his head this time, and that was better. Still awkward, because neither of them had ever kissed anyone before, but better.

“So,” said Hide when they came up for air, “I guess that answers that question?”

Kaneki smiled at him. “I guess it does,” he said.

 Not much changed after their small revelation. There were occasional kisses now, and sometimes their touches had a little more intent behind them, but it was mostly just knowing that what they were had a name.

“Hey Kaneki,” said Hide while they were editing each other’s essays for Asian History. “I love you.”

That was one more difference, Kaneki supposed. They could say that whenever they wanted to now. Well, they’d always been able to, but neither of them had realized that they did, in fact, want to. He smiled and pressed a kiss to Hide’s cheek.

“I love you too.”