Work Text:
“Ifrinn!”
“Jem! We’re not supposed to say swears!”
Jem squeezed his thumb where the splinter had gone in, trying to ease it back to the surface. “First of all, I didna say it, I yelled it, which is the proper way to use swears. And second, Grandda says it all the time and he wouldna if it wasn’t a useful word.”
“Well Mama says the German ladies get verra agintated when they hear swears.”
“Agitated. And I dinna see any German ladies about. But ye ken who swears the most?”
Mandy grinned, thrilled that her brother was sharing secrets. “Who?”
“Grannie.”
“Oh! Jesus H. Rose Felt Christ!”
“Now Sassenach, dinna fash. Do you want me to rub yer shoulders and kiss yer bonnie cheeks?” Jem smooshed his lips together and walked toward his sister, making exaggerated kissing sounds in the air, sending her into a fit of giggles.
“N…no, Jamie! You need a bath! You can’t have any whisky until you have a bath.”
“What?! Sassenach, ye canna ask a man to get rid of his manly scent. How will ye know I’ve worked all day?”
“I work all day and I don’t smell bad. I smell very good for a grannie. I smell like mint and flowers.”
“It’s no’ my fault I have to work with stinkin’ animals who are always liftin’ their tails to leave droppings all over and then I step in them and have to swear, Ifrinn!”
Mandy’s entire small body shook with laughter.
“D’ye ken what it’s like with animals constantly doin’ this all the time?!” Jem then turned and squatted, grunting rather convincingly while using his mouth to create a shockingly loud lewd noise, and sending himself into a fit of giggles as well.
“Now I am fairly certain I’ve never imitated an animal relieving itself. D’ye recall such a thing ever occurring, Grannie Claire?”
Jem and Mandy snapped to attention, their eyes wide as saucers, at their grandparents standing in the doorway. Claire held her hand over her mouth, her face beet red at her attempt to contain her laughter. She merely shook her head at Jamie’s question, unable to speak.
“Mandy my dear, d’ye feel yer puir ol’ grandda needs a washing?”
Mandy sat frozen, half-laughing, half-terrified. “Yes?” she squeaked.
Jamie slowly closed the space between him and Jem, narrowing his eyes. “And you, clever lad. D’ye also find my odor…unpleasant?”
Jem’s face rippled and his eyes darted to his sister’s. His chest puffed out as he took a deep breath and yelled “Yes!”. He then jumped up and turned to Mandy. “Mandy, run!” And in a flash, and a scream from Mandy, they slipped by Claire and out the door, running as fast as their legs would take them.
Jamie turned to Claire, both now doubled-over laughing. “Oh god, I’d better chase them down. They’re gettin’ a noseful now.” He took off after them, screaming.
Claire collapsed in a chair, catching her breath, and sniffed her shoulder. Mint and flowers.