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Chapter Text

Princess Atsuko Kagari (“call me Akko!”) of the Kingdom of Luna Nova had been eagerly awaiting her sixteenth birthday for years, as many girls did. However, her reasons for doing so would surprise anybody if she chose to confide in them.

Akko had grown up on fairy tale. They sustained her the same way others depended on food and water. Stories about princes, princesses, knights, witches, and dragons, and all manner of fantastical things. She adored the tales of courage, daring, courtly romance, and adventure. She couldn’t believe her luck in being born a princess — there was always a princess in every fairy tale, so she was practically guaranteed to be the star of her very own fairy tale one day. After years of childhood story time and subsequent independent research, Akko had come to the conclusion that any fairy tale events were most likely to occur on or after her sixteenth birthday. Witches and sorcerer types always picked the sixteenth birthday to stir up trouble or kick off a curse.

Witches had been active in Luna Nova for centuries, coming into conflict with the crown on a regular basis. The nobles around the castle were always complaining about witches tampering with their affairs, monsters roaming their estates and whatnot. Akko couldn’t be more jealous. Witches? Monsters? It sounded much more exciting than learning court etiquette and diplomacy and which country traded what with whom. The most exciting thing she got to do as a princess was horse-riding, but her handles wouldn’t even let her gallop, much less carry a lance or anything cool. Akko desperately needed some excitement in her life, and she was confident the forces of evil would oblige.

In particular, she’d pinned her hopes on the kingdom’s most feared coven of witches, the Cavendishes. She’d read that the witch family had almost overthrown the crown on at least one occasion. The church hated them with a passion, claiming that they were the literal spawn of the devil and, gone unopposed, the witches would cause the entire kingdom to be corrupted and lost to sin. If that wasn’t a ringing endorsement, what was?

Akko could hardly sleep on the eve of her sixteenth birthday, she was so excited. But the day came and went without event. She’d watched carefully for the signs of adventure: the shadow of a dragon come to steal her away, the appearance of any mysterious strangers planning to deliver a deathly prophecy, the whispers of some quest that would need to be completed. Nothing. But Akko didn’t lose faith. Maybe the forces of evil forgot to mark their calendars. She gave it another week. And another. And then a month.

“Don’t they know how rude it is to keep a lady waiting?” Akko complained to her sole companion, Andrew Hanbridge, Duke of Appleton. “I’m going to be an old lady before those creeps show up!”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “You’ll be condemned to the cruel life of being the queen of an entire country. The angels weep for your poor soul.”

“Exactly!” Akko said. “I need some thrills in my life before I glue my butt to that old, gold chair. Am I princess, gosh darn it! I’m supposed to get kidnapped and rescued by a dashing knight!”

“I was under the impression that you thought our kingdom’s knights were all daft, old fuddy duddies for not teaching you how to use a sword.” Andrew replied.

“You’re right,” Akko said seriously. “I can’t rely on those clowns. But you would rescue me, wouldn’t you, Andrew?”

Andrew smirked. “I don’t know about that. If you disappear, I move up in the line of succession. Sorry, Akko, but it’s in my best interests for you to remain in the witch’s clutches.”

Akko gasped in mock horror. “Andrew! How could you betray me like this! I thought we were bros! I truly am unloved. I’d be better off a witch’s servant than to stay here among my enemies.”

Akko elbowed him in the side. Andrew tried not to smile, but Akko’s own grin was irresistibly contagious. He elbowed her back and they both laughed.

“Don’t let my father hear you say anything like that,” Andrew warned. “He’ll lecture your ear off if you take witches lightly.”

Akko grimaced. Among the castle’s residents, the Archbishop of Appleton was her least favourite. He got his kicks out of moralizing, evangelizing, and criticizing Akko for wearing skirts that showed too much of her ankles.

“Oh, pooh. Who cares what he thinks,” Akko grumbled. “If the devil was as dead set on tempting me to damnation as your father says, I wouldn’t be this bored.”

“I’ll keep the throne nice and warm for you when Inquisition throws you in the dungeons.”

Akko laughed. Honestly, Andrew would make a better monarch than she would. He had the patience for all the minutiae of leading a country. She’d rather be an explorer, or knight, or a tavern owner. A career with a little more grit to it, where every day was an adventure. But duty was a relentless mistress, so Akko would have to depend on evil-doers to make things interesting.

“Honestly, the terrors that lie beyond our civilized borders have been slacking lately,” Akko observed. “When’s the last time all these nobles had to get their soggy bottoms off their chairs and save the day?”

Andrew pondered the matter. “Not within our lifetime, to be sure. The creatures of darkness and the minor witches keep the landed gentry occupied, to be sure, but the kingdom itself hasn’t been threatened since the last Cavendish assassination plot. Though to be fair, they mostly posed a threat to the church and the royal family, which the nobles wasted no time in taking advantage of. The subsequent squabbling between different successionist factions did more damage than the witches themselves.”

“Don’t let your father hear you say anything like that,” Akko said in a practiced imitation of Andrew’s voice.

Andrew ignored her. “The Cavendishes have been quiet lately. Too quiet for my father’s liking, naturally. He likes having a target to rail at in his sermons.”

“Maybe they’re quiet because they’ve been plotting against me!” Akko said with an inappropriate amount of glee, given her words’ meaning.

“I doubt it. Rumour has it that the new head of the coven is quite young. Diana, I believe her name is. She probably isn’t planning anything so ambitious as the kidnapping of the crown princess.”

Akko huffed. “That’s the problem with witches, they’re unreliable. They’re the mistresses of the darkness and they can’t even be bothered to threaten my way of life? The nerve! What am I supposed to do, wait until I’m married with seven kids and she’s got the confidence to mess with me?

“Perhaps you should write her a strongly worded letter,” Andrew said dryly.

In her agitated state, Akko didn’t recognize the sarcasm. “I think I will. Servants! Fetch me my sharpest pen!”

It was a lonely existence, living at the Cavendishes’ ancestral home, but Diana didn’t mind. The rest of her family lived in their own estates where they corresponded seethingly over inconsequential affairs. It had been a long time since the Cavendishes had exerted their magical influence on the outside world, and in the interim her many cousins had become entrenched in more mundane things such as land, commodities, and fine art, over which they bickered incessantly, usually to the tune of who ought to inherit what. Their rivalry with the Luna Nova church went forgotten (but the church made their grudge well known), and the only one among them who maintained their traditions was Diana. Life in the coven’s ancient stone was fulfilling, but she often found herself longing for human contact.

It was a great surprise to Diana when she discovered the letter on her kitchen table. Her crow familiar had dropped it there, evidently, but where had she gotten it from? Her familiar was trained to seek out those who wished to communicate with her, but who could it be? Any witch would’ve sent their own familiar.

Diana turned the letter over and frowned at the sight of the kingdom’s royal seal in wax. What on Earth would the crown want with me? She hadn’t given anybody in the royal court reason to contact her in her short reign as head of the coven. Unless, of course, they were writing on behalf of the church…

She opened the letter with trepidation. She had to read the letter over three times before she could be sure of what she was seeing, and even then she couldn’t believe it.

Your Maleficence, Diana of the Coven of Cavendish

Congratulations on your ascension as the head of your coven. I anticipate many acts of debauchery and depravity during your reign. In fact, you ought to inaugurate your reign of evil by striking out against the crown. There’s nothing like a good first impression, you know. You really must advance any catastrophic plots you have and commit to them at your earliest convenience. Particularly any kidnappings or curses you have planned. The sooner, the better.

Warmest regards, Atsuko Kagari, Crown Princess of the Kingdom of Luna Nova

The witch’s reply arrived in the mouth of a crow not a day later. Akko fed the crow the rest of her pastry and opened the letter.

Your Royal Majesty, Atsuko Kagari

I don’t know what your intention was with you previous letter, but I must inform you that I have no interest in anything of which you spoke. If this is some attempt by your church to instigate a reason for another witch hunt, please inform them that their time would be better spent practicing what they preach and leaving well enough alone. I have my own business to attend to, and I’m certain that the crown does as well. Attend to it.

Sincerely, Diana Cavendish

The next month was a furious back and forth between the crown princess and the coven head, fiery letters shooting back and forth at a pace restricted only by the tiredness in the crow familiar’s wings. Akko repeatedly demanded the witch cause chaos in the kingdom, and Diana adamantly insisted that she would have nothing to do with the realm at large.

Akko was frustrated at the lack of progress. Just who does she think she is!? She raged to herself. I’m technically her future queen. Where does she get off telling me to mind my own business? And what kind of witch doesn’t wreak havoc on innocent people? Even the petty potion mistresses are causing more trouble than her! Akko decided that Diana was plotting something big, but was keeping it a secret. She refused to leave the witch alone until she fulfilled her duty of making things exciting for Akko.

Diana was incensed at the nerve of her kingdom’s princess. Of all the spoiled brats in the world, why did this one have to set her sights on me? Even the church doesn’t annoy me this much. The girl had gotten it into her head that Diana was under some obligation to unsettle the kingdom’s peace. She could only assume this was some ploy to flush witches out of hiding so they could be slain by knights who would hold their crimes up as some feat of glory. As if I would fall for such a trick. Her Royal Highness can send all the letters she wants, but I won’t allow myself to be taken advantage of by her court of fools.

And then one day the letters stopped coming. Diana was surprised that the princess had given up after so much effort, and she would miss the small sliver of human contact it afforded her, but in the end she was relieved that she would no longer be hounded by the arrogant girl.

Little did she know…

Akko chopped through a bush with her stolen — borrowed! — sword and peered out from the edge of the forest.

“I think we’re nearly there,” Akko told her stolen — actually it technically was hers, she just wasn’t supposed to ride it alone — horse, who whinnied in response. The princess had been riding for two weeks, having snuck out of the castle under the cover of darkness, “liberated” her horse, and started her journey. With her pockets laden with currency, she travelled in disguise, stopping at taverns every night on her way. The sword she had “appropriated” from the armoury had made sure that nobody gave her any trouble. Everything was going according to plan, and she was on the final leg of her journey.

Since the Cavendish witch had refused to kidnap her, she decided to kidnap herself. If you want something done, they always said, you gotta do it yourself. Taking matters into her own hands, she manufactured signs of a struggle in her room and left a note. If the month of heated correspondence between herself and Diana had been good for something, it had provided Akko with the means to forge a message from the witch. She had left behind a ransom note of sorts, “signed” by none other than Diana Cavendish herself. Before long, the royal guard would prepare for an assault on the Cavendish castle, otherwise the quest would be handled by the kingdom’s most daring knights. In either case, all Akko had to do was make sure she was at Cavendish’s place before they got there and she would have her adventure.

Akko’s eyes scanned the horizon for the witch’s castle. Or any signs of human habitation. She hadn’t seen any buildings for miles. According to the information she’d wheedled out of Andrew, the Cavendishes lived far off in the wilderness. He hadn’t been kidding. After the last village, Akko had powered through forests, haunted woods, swamps, and every other kind of environment she’d never seen before in her life confined to the palace. There were monsters too, but they sort of just let her pass when she said she was on her way to Diana’s place. It was a hard slog of a journey, but she’d almost achieved her goal.

She finally spotted the top of a stone tower off in the distance. Surrounded by an impenetrable wall of thorns. In the middle of yet another forest.

Akko groaned. The fairy tales never made adventure sound this hard.

For the first time in what felt like forever, there was a knock at the door.

Diana stared at the door in confusion. Now who could that be? She wasn’t expecting any visitors, nor had anybody sent word that they were arriving. She felt a sinking sense of déja vu as she opened the door.

Standing on her doorstep was a stranger, a girl around her own age. Brunette, crimson eyes. She wore a rough travelling cloak over a plain dress, looking worse for wear, but you wouldn’t think that from the ear-to-ear smile. There was a horse off in the background too, grazing on her front lawn.

“Greetings, your Maleficence,” the girl said. “Since you refused to cooperate, I decided to do your share of the work and kidnap myself!”

Diana blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“It’s me! Princess Atsuko! Though you can call me ‘Akko’ now, seeing as we’ve finally met each other.”

Diana pinched the bridge of her nose. “You must be kidding me.” This is simply unreal.

“No, I’m not. It’s really me!” Akko said. “And you’re you! The evil witch, Diana Cavendish. Funny, I always thought witches were uglier. You’re kind of a beauty, aren’t you? I feel ripped off.”

Diana blushed despite herself. “Well, I for one expected the kingdom’s heiress to be a bit more proper.” What went unsaid was that Diana thought the princess was pretty cute herself.

Akko pouted. “I’d like to see you looking portrait-perfect after dragging yourself through the wilderness for days on end. Do you have any idea how much effort it takes to get here?”

Diana did not, as she travelled to and from her home by flying broom. “And why exactly have you darkened my doorstep, princess?”

“I told you. You’re kidnapping me the way all evil witches kidnap princesses. Except you weren’t holding up your end of the bargain, so I ran away and made it look like you spirited me away. By the way, some guys with swords will probably be here in a couple of days looking for your head, so watch out for that.”

Diana could only shake her head. “You are unbelievable. I’m going back inside. Have fun with your insipid little adventure, Atsuko.”

She tried to close the door, but Akko stuck her foot in at the last second. “Hey, Diana! Where are you going? You’re supposed to let me in!”

Diana glared at her. Entitled brat. “And just why would I do that? I don’t need your knights breaking down my door.”

“Okay, but it’s getting dark!” And so it was. The sun had nearly set, though it was already obscured by the thick, dark forest. “You’re not going to leave me outside at night are you?”

The witch considered her options. As much as she didn’t want to let the princess in, Akko’s health would suffer if she was left on the doorstep all night. She would be blamed for any damage to the girl’s health, as was the fate of a witch no matter how illogical the leap.

Diana sighed with resignation. “Alright, but just for tonight.”

She let Akko inside and escorted her to the kitchen, where she began making a pot of tea for the two of them.

“Gosh, this place is really homey,” Akko said cheerily.

The witch scoffed. “What were you expecting? A dungeon full of rotting corpses?”

“Well, yeah. That’s what it’s like in the storybooks.”

Diana carried the teapot over to the table, levitating two teacups along with it. “Of course it is. Brainwashing the populace from childhood. No doubt the work of that church of yours.”

“Oh yeah,” Akko said. “You Cavendishes sure do ruffle their feathers, huh?”

“That’s a mild way of putting it,” Diana replied. “The church wants to eliminate witches and magic to make way for the healing powers of prayer.” She rolled her eyes at the thought of it. “We’re their competition, but our immeasurably methods are better, and I imagine that leaves your bishops sour.”

“Wait, you’re saying witches are healers?” Akko asked. “What about raining fire down from the sky and turning people into newts?”

“I didn’t say we were defenseless,” Diana said as she filled their teacups. “Turning a girl into a newt is as easy as breathing. Drink up,” she added, nodding at Akko’s tea.

Akko eyed the tea suspiciously. “That’s not… it won’t turn me into a…”

Diana chuckled. She took a sip of her own tea. “I have better manners than to poison my guest, even one as uninvited as you are.”

Akko took a sip herself. “It’s delicious! What kind of tea is it?”

“It’s a herb I harvested from the forest. You wouldn’t have heard of it in the palace.”

“Do you get a lot of herbs from there?” Akko asked. “I noticed a lot on my way in.”

“I do. The Cavendish forests are home to all manner of plants which have medicinal uses.” Diana explained her family’s history of making medicine for those in need. In times when secrecy was paramount, they used their familiars to contact their patients and deliver the medicine. Even now the townspeople knew that if they whispered the symptoms of their ailments to a crow, another would bring a cure.

“Wow,” Akko said. She’d never suspected that the witches were actually nice. Her only frame of reference was fairy tales, which weren’t exactly valid research. “But what about the Cavendish plots?”

“Slander against witches used to disguise the true culprits and their motives,” Diana answered. “The nobility is quite fond of blaming witches to escape accountability for just about anything.”

Andrew said something like that, didn’t he? Akko recalled.

“I guess I was wasting my time trying to trick you into kidnapping me,” Akko said with a laugh.

“I really must ask,” Diana leaned forward, “why did you want me to cause chaos in your kingdom?”

Akko told Diana about her fascination with fairy tales and her desire to experience such an adventure for herself. She explained how boring palace life was and how she didn’t think she could survive without at least one tale of her own.

“But I never imagined that witches were as sweet as you,” Akko said, not noticing Diana’s flushed face.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Akko,” Diana said quickly. “If you don’t keep your guard up, I’ll cook you up and eat you.”

Akko laughed. “How about I promise to help you collect herbs if you promise not to eat me?”

“Just how long do you plan to stay with me?” Diana asked.

“I guess until someone shows up to ‘rescue’ me,” Akko said with a shrug.

Diana found herself hoping that no one showed up for a very long time. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a conversation that wasn’t an argument with her family. And Akko was charming, if a little abrasive for a princess.

They finished their tea and Diana led Akko to one of the spare rooms.

“This place is so big! Where’s the rest of your family, by the way?” Akko asked.

“They live elsewhere. They aren’t as interested in the family traditions as I am. We leave each other’s business alone.”

Alone. That’s what the witch seemed like to Akko. As she settled into bed, she felt sorry for Diana. She would eventually have to leave her to her empty castle, her only contact with other human beings to occur through letters. The idea unsettled Akko, but there was nothing she could do about it.

Was there?

Akko’s “rescue” arrived sooner than she expected. Shortly after breakfast, a retinue of white-clad knights assembled at the edge of the thorny forest, readying engines of war to lay siege to the tower.

“That looks like the church’s personal army,” Akko observed. “They’re even bigger sticks in the mud than regular knights.”

Diana grimaced. She hated the church. Hypocrites and slanderers, the whole lot of them.

“I guess this is goodbye,” Akko said sadly. “We’ve got to make this thing look convincing, or they’ll get suspicious.”

Her eyes darted to Diana’s, then down to the floor. “I wish we could’ve spent more time together.”

Diana made a decision. “Come with me,” she said, taking Akko by the hand and bringing her to the top of the tower.

The open air and the cold wind were bracing, but Diana barely noticed. She was heated by a rebellious fire that was fueled by centuries of ancestral conflict.

She tapped her staff, a rod of polished wood, on the stones. The sound, magically amplified, caught the attention of the rabble gathering at the foot of the tower.

“Who dares to trespass into the realm of the Cavendish coven?” her voice boomed.

“You have taken our princess and we shall not leave until we have your head!” the commander yelled back.

“Begone, or I will be forced to use my most terrible magic,” Diana commanded. She was enjoying the villain act, though she would never admit it.

The knights ignored her. “Charge!” they yelled, and began to wage war on Diana.

“Beginning” was as far as it went. Diana raised her staff to the sky and recited a spell. From the clouds above a lightning bolt struck the ground, scattering the knights like a frightened flock of birds. More bolts of lightning demolished the siege engines. Diana blasted the church’s army until they were all crawling back into the forest in retreat. All except for the commander.

“Leave this place,” Diana commanded. “I will spare your life if you go in peace.”

“I will never abandon the princess!” the commander shouted.

“And I will not allow her to be taken from me,” Diana declared. “Don’t worry for her safety. I’ve decided to take the crown princess as my wife.”

“WHAT!?” Akko blurted, her face’s colour matching that of her eyes.

Diana smirked to herself. That’s revenge for making me go through with this entire charade. And perhaps just a little of her honest interest in the girl had shone through her cool, detached exterior. After all, she was fulfilling the worst stereotypes about witches just to spend a little more time with her.

The commander objected to this turn of events, but another lightning bolt sent him running.

“Y-you really are evil!” Akko said, trying to cover her blushing with her hands. “Forcing a virtuous maiden to marry you!”

“You said you wanted an adventure,” Diana said with a smirk.

Akko couldn’t help but laugh. And when Diana reached out to take her hand, she didn’t shy away. Instead, she gave the witch’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“If you say so, Your Maleficence.”

Chapter Text

"Atsuko Kagari's behaviour has become utterly unacceptable!" Professor Finnelan said angrily.

"When was her behaviour ever acceptable?" Professor Lukić cackled.

[She's just a free spirit,] Professor Pisces bubbled.

"Don't be so harsh on the girl," Professor Holbrooke said placidly. "After all, she is responsible for the rebirth of magic."

"All the more reason she should've grown out of these habits!" Finnelan retorted. "Such an important witch shouldn't be caught rifling through the kitchens in the dead of night looking for dessert!"

"Technically, nobody caught her," Ursula said weakly. The professors only knew that Akko had been there because there was a pastry missing the morning after. The Green Team had been busy with a late detention, and that only left one possible culprit.

Technically, somebody did catch her, Diana thought guiltily. But she couldn't contradict Ursula without implicating herself.

"That's no excuse!" Finnelan half-yelled. "As professors, we can't afford to have a soft spot for any student, especially one as troublesome as Kagari! Diana, you're friends with her? Have you tried talking sense into her?"

"Akko is... a handful..." Diana said hesitantly. She knew the response was insufficient, but her mental energy was focused on repressing a certain line of thought.

Finnelan shook her head. "I didn't want to do this, but if none of us can control Kagari, we have no choice." She pulled out her wand and conjured a large object; there was hardly room for it in the headmistress's office with all of the professors (plus Diana). As the smoke cleared, Diana recognized the object as a cage, and lying inside it was a giant dog. It resembled a German shepherd, save for the fact that it had three heads instead of one.

"A Cerberus." Diana had seen illustrations of Cerberi in textbooks, but never one in person. Sources claimed they were the ultimate guard dogs, impossible to trick with either magic or mundane means. They had been used as prison guards in the past, preventing intruders from infiltrating or prisoners from escaping. To have one in a school was overkill.

"Isn't having a three-headed dog guarding a magical school a bit done?" Ursula asked.

"I have no idea what you mean, Ursula," Finnelan said. "This is exactly what we need. If Atsuko Kagari won't listen to reason, we'll have to put the fear of the Luna Nova faculty in her!"

"That seems a bit extreme," Holbrooke said. "I'm sure Diana can persuade Akko to behave herself. In the meantime, Akko's dessert privileges until she does behave."

Diana nodded, but she had a feeling that persuading Akko out of her night-time excursions was beyond even her. She hadn't succeeded last night either. If Akko was told she couldn't have desserts with her meals, she would only try to make up the deficit by pilfering them herself.

Finnelan retrieved a handful of amulets. "The Cerberus has been trained to allow certain people to pass at night, so long as they are wearing one of these around their neck." She handed one to each of the professors in turn, giving the last to Diana. The amulet fit in the palm of her hand. It was totem shaped like a three-headed dog, carved from dark wood and apparently varnished with wolfsbane, judging by the smell. No doubt the Cerberus had been trained to avoid the smell. A simple method, but effective. Its powerful noses would track down anyone else and the beast would chase them down, incapacitating them without harming them. Hopefully.

"You might as well get acquainted with her," Finnelan told Diana. "You'll be seeing a lot of her during your night patrols."

Diana approached the cage. The Cerberus, which had been asleep until then, woke up and sniffed at Diana. She opened her mouths in what counted as a dog's smile.

"Her name is Terror," Finnelan said. At the other side of the room, Ursula gulped.

Diana tried her best to accept the beast as part of Luna Nova. She leaned close to the cage. "Welcome to your new home, Terror."

Terror yipped in response and lunged forward, licking Diana with all three of her tongues. As she magicked away the dog slobber on her face, she decided she did not like the newest addition to the school's staff.

"She does seem rather playful," Ursula said uncertainly. "Are we sure Akko won't tame her? They do seem a little alike."

Diana resisted the urge to turn on Ursula. After all, how could the professor possibly know how Diana would interpret that? "Yes, they are quite alike," Diana said darkly. For the rest of the meeting she brooded silently and dwelled on what had happened last night.

It was a dark and stormy night. All the better for a thief to steal through the school undetected. Unfortunately for the aforementioned thief, Diana Cavendish was a witch who need not depend on sight or sound to detect troublemakers.

Diana already knew who was sneaking out after curfew. Who else could it have been? Her spells only detected one person, and the Green Team members seldom acted alone.

Sure enough, when she reached the kitchens, she found none other than Atsuko Kagari rooting through the pantry, pert little bottom sticking up in the air as she searched the bottom shelves. Diana would recognize that bottom anywhere, right down to the too-short skirt.

“There it is! I’ve been waiting for a cherry tart all day!” Akko said to herself cheerily.

“I’m afraid you’ll be waiting a bit longer to enjoy one,” Diana declared.

“Eek!” Akko shrieked. She spun around, but her expression of horror relaxed when she saw the speaker. “Oh, it’s just you, Diana. I was worried for a second there.”

“What do you mean, just me?” Diana asked. “I’m on night patrol duty and you’re breaking curfew. You can avoid punishment if you put that tart back and allow me to take you back to bed.”

“My bed or yours?” Akko asked.

“I b-b-beg your p-p-pardon?” Diana spluttered.

Akko giggled at Diana’s reaction. “Let’s face it, Diana. You won’t turn me in. You love me too much to get me in trouble.”

Love was perhaps a stronger word than Diana would’ve preferred, but to correct Akko would offend her. And naturally she would have to use the same term to reply. Or so she told herself. “Of course I l-love you Akko, but that’s why I can’t allow you to descend into a life of petty crime!”
“Aw, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Akko complained. “It’s just one tart.” As a matter of fact, it was the sixty-ninth tart she’d pilfered during her stay at Luna Nova, but who was counting?

“It’s a matter of principle,” Diana replied. “Furthermore, you shouldn’t be out of bed after dark. Tart or no tart, you should be asleep.”

“C’mon, Diana. You’re telling me you’ve never been kept up by thoughts of a certain tart?” Akko raised her eyebrow suggestively?

Diana’s mind snagged on the double entendre. “W-what are you—”

Akko smirked, walking closer to Diana, balancing the tart on her hand. “I’d bet even a fancy-pants Cavendish like yourself wants herself a tart. Even just a taste.”

“I don’t know what you’re—”

Akko leaned in and whispered into Diana’s ear. “I bet you can’t wait to get your mouth on that cherry.”

Diana’s brain overloaded. She babbled incoherently, eliciting a chuckle from Akko. She stepped around Diana and patted her on the back. “Don’t worry, Diana. I won’t tell anyone you were up past curfew because you were thinking about tarts.”

Diana couldn’t manage a response.

Akko took a hearty bite of her tart, cherry goo dripping onto her fingers. “I’ll keep quiet about this is you do,” Akko said slyly. She placed one of her cherry-covered fingers on Diana’s lips. “Deal?”

Akko didn’t wait for a response. Laughing at her successful theft and bamboozlement of the authorities, she disappeared into the night, leaving behind nothing but the taste of cherries.

Needless to say, Diana was perplexed by her inability to apprehend Akko. She was downright ashamed of how easily she’d allowed herself to be flustered by mere words to the point of being practically incapacitated. A lady ought to have more composure, she told herself. Of course, being a woman with a pulse, she’d been subjected to all manner of unsavoury comments from men, but they were of aristocratic stock, and their licentiousness was disguised by a veneer of respectability and subtlety. Last night had been the first time anyone had spoken so lewdly or brazenly to Diana Cavendish. Diana couldn’t tell whether or not she was annoyed that the most salacious things ever said to her were in service of distracting her. She’d allowed Akko to play her like a violin. What’s gotten into that girl? Diana asked herself. Akko had always been clever (perhaps “sneaky” was a better word), but last she had been seductive, manipulating Diana with nothing more than double entendres — an impressive feat for someone to achieve in their second language. Diana could only guess where Akko had learned such quirks of language, but she would bet the Cavendish estate that Amanda O’Neill had something to do with it. The real mystery was how Akko knew that such a method would be effective at derailing her.

Granted, it was possible that Akko had inferred the possibility from the sort of actions Diana had taken when her mind was… wandering. It would be more honest to say that her eyes had been wandering. Diana had noticed Akko’s shorter-than-regulation skirt, which led to her noticing Akko’s fit, taut, ever-moving legs. In the interest of preserving the school’s dress code, Diana had mentioned Akko’s skirt length to her, but Akko’s response was to ask, “What? Does it bother you?” while wiggling her butt at her. Which of course, led Diana to noticing Akko’s posterior. A posterior, it must be noted, Diana had more or less slapped during the Noir Missile Crisis. Thank the Nine Olde Witches that everybody watching had been too preoccupied with the missile to notice what she’d done (though Akko probably had).

Diana couldn’t deny that she found Akko attractive. It was hard not to like someone so exuberant, so freely emotional and energetic. And of course, her body was, well, something else. Having patched her up after her many accidents since learning how to fly, Diana had had the excuse to examine Akko’s muscles and bone structure. A hormonal teenage girl could only put her hands on so much soft, smooth skin before it became an addictive habit. Even the reserved Diana Cavendish could admit that she was interested in her friend, but she had no idea how to proceed with such feelings outside the highly restrictive courtship system favoured by the nobility, and so she had done nothing yet with regards to her attraction. Attraction that Akko may or may not be aware of.

But Diana couldn’t let her personal feelings get in the way of her duty to Luna Nova Academy. She would inform Akko of her dessert ban and do her best to dissuade her friend from breaking curfew again. Should Akko visit the kitchen again after hours, Diana wouldn’t relent, and neither would Terror, she suspected. Perhaps being chased around by a three-headed dog would convince her of the importance of following school rules.

Oh, who was she fooling? The only way to stop Akko from roaming the school at night would be to tie her to her bed.

Diana almost tripped over her own feet as she processed that mental image. Ignoring her self-induced embarrassment, Diana walked over to the Red Team’s dorm in hopes of finding Akko and putting an end to the girl’s midnight rendezvouses with illicit desserts.

She knocked on the door and waited. Akko opened it and her face broke into a smile. “Diana! What’s up?”

“What’s ‘up’ is that you need to stop sneaking into the kitchens after dark.”

Akko frowned. “So you’re saying I should sneak into the kitchens during the day? That won’t work. The faeries work there during the day. I’d just get in the way.”

Diana resisted the urge to facepalm. She knew Akko was fooling around, delaying the inevitable. “You know very well what I mean, Akko. No more looting the school’s kitchens, and no more breaking curfew.”

“You know I can’t stop myself,” Akko said. “Desserts just taste better past midnight.”

“You had better learn to stop yourself,” Diana said. “The professors have decided to rescind your dessert privileges until you learn to follow school rules.”

“WHAT!?” Akko yelled. “That’s tyranny! Do you know what’s for dessert tomorrow?”

“I haven’t the faintest clue. You know I have no passion for sweet things.”

“Hmph. Tomorrow’s dessert is red velvet cupcakes, Diana. Red velvet cupcakes! I can’t let those pass by!”

“I suppose that’s too bad for you, Akko.” Diana smirked. “The consequences of your actions have caught up with you. Reflect on that while everyone else is enjoying their cupcake.” She made to leave, but stopped herself for one last comment. “And don’t even think about stealing one for yourself.”

“As if I’d let that stop me,” Akko said grumpily.

“Your overconfidence will be your undoing,” Diana replied. “You won’t get away with breaking the rules next time.” Diana considered telling Akko about the Cerberus, but she decided that she ought to let the beast have the element of surprise. Perhaps Terror would scare Akko into respecting curfew.

“That sounds like a challenge, Diana Cavendish! And I won’t lose!” Akko slammed the door in her face.

Diana shook her head. Maybe I should just wait outside her door to keep her inside. However, to do so would neglect her night patrol duties, and she didn’t want to imagine how Akko would spin her borderline stalker behaviour. Sighing deeply, Diana prepared herself for another night of chasing after Akko.

Naturally, Akko didn’t let Diana’s warning stop her, or so much as cause her to consider something had changed. There was a red velvet cupcake out there just waiting for her, Cavendishes be damned!

Still dressed in her school uniform, Akko slipped out of her dorm room at the stroke of midnight. She tiptoed through the halls and made her way to the kitchens, a feat which was no issue for her in the darkness — she could do it even in her sleep.

She pried open the doors and sidled into the kitchens, making a beeline for the dessert pantry. The cupcakes ought to have been prepared the night prior to being served, so they would still be fresh. Akko searched the shelves until she found them, a glorious treasure trove. It was a serious struggle to only take one. She may be a thief, but she wasn’t greedy.

Akko plucked one of the cupcakes and held it up to admire in the moonlight. The beautiful, crimson chocolate body, the delicate layer of cream cheese frosting, the candy sprinkles that studded its surface like stars in the night sky. It was a sight to behold. And it all belonged to Akko. Take that, you musty, old professors. You can’t keep a treat like this from me!

“You’ll be putting that back now, Akko.”

She ought to have been expecting it, but Akko still jumped at the sound of Diana’s voice. “Don’t scare me like that, Diana,” she said as she turned to face her rival, lit by her wand.

“I’m not joking, Akko. Put the cupcake back and return to your dormitory.”

Akko smirked. “Tell you what, I’ll go back to my dorm if you come with me.”

Even in the dim wand light, Akko could Diana blush in response. “A-Akko, I’m being serious! You—”

“I’m being serious too,” Akko said. “Oh, we could go back to your dorm if you’d prefer that,” she added with a wink.

Diana stomped her foot in frustration. “D-don’t try to distract me.” She was sorely failing in her attempts to keep her voice level. “You are breaking curfew, and—”

Akko giggled, breaking Diana’s concentration and causing her to fall silent. This was all too easy. She would have to thank Amanda for helping her out here. Apparently Diana had kind of a thing for her, judging by how many times Amanda caught her staring at Akko’s legs. Akko wasn’t sure of how to feel about that (she blushed when she first heard), but she had no qualms about using that to her advantage. Amanda had suggested that flirting with Diana would be enough to derail her train of thought and let her get away with anything she wanted.

The only difficulty was making sure she kept a straight face and didn’t fluster herself.

“No need to be so shy, Diana. It’s just the two of us here.”

Diana did her best to ignore Akko’s comments. “Is this really how you want to be remembered at this school? A sticky-fingered ne'er do well?”

Akko puffed out her chest. “The Phantom Thief of the Patisserie!”

“I think you mean the cat burglar of the dessert pantry,” Diana said dryly.

“Oh, don’t be such a sourpuss. That’s not all I’m good for. There are other things here I can steal,” Akko said, laying her trap.

“And what might that me?” Diana said, taking the bait.

“A k-i-s-s,” Akko purred.

Diana’s reaction was immediate. Her blush went from pale pink to so bright a red it practically lit up the kitchens. She actually stepped backward in shock, her arms flailing, mouth agape.

“Y-you w-wouldn’t!” Diana stammered. “T-that kind of behaviour isn’t a-a-appropriate!”

“You’re not turning me down,” Akko said softly. Of course, Diana was right. She couldn’t just up and kiss her rival out of the blue. But Diana didn’t know that, and unless she called her bluff for some reason, Akko was in the clear. As long as Diana didn’t notice that Akko’s face was colouring at the idea.

Unfortunately for Akko, Diana wasn’t that easy to fool. “Even you wouldn’t go that far just to get away with a midnight snack,” she said with what might've been confidence. “Try as you might, you won’t seduce me, Atsuko Kagari.”

Well this isn’t working, Akko thought. I need to go further. “Oh, won’t I?” Akko said in her most seductive voice. Akko placed the cupcake on a nearby table and raised her hands to the front of her uniform. She began to unbutton it.

“W-what are you doing?” Diana gasped, but Akko ignored her. She undid both the buttons of her uniform’s sleeveless jacket and pulled it back. Then she went to work on the buttons of her shirt, unfastening them at a tantalizingly slow pace. Diana watched in a melange of terror and erotic fascination. As Akko proceeded with her striptease, her bra became visible, the colour and design hidden by the darkness.

“D-don’t, Akko,” Diana shouted. “I forbid you to continue.”

Akko stopped with her hands at the bottom of her shirt. “Alright, if you say so.” Then she smiled deviously. “Oops, my hand slipped.” The final button was undone and the shirt parted to reveal her flat stomach and cute, little belly button. Akko placed her hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow at her enraptured rival. “See anything you like?”

What the hell am I doing? She was way beyond flirting at this point. She was practically coming onto Diana now. She’s going to think I’m serious about this! She struggled to think of would be bad about that, until she remembered that Amanda would never let her live it down if she caught wind of Akko’s antics. She was out of her depth with this whole femme fatale thing. Akko was at her limit, sweat beginning to condensate, her hands starting to shake. It had been all that she could do not to fumble with her shirt buttons. Maintaining eye contact with Diana had almost destroyed her.

Diana noticed none of this, on account of her own blushing so hard and hot that she could out-fry all the kitchen appliances. “A-tsu-ko Ka-ga-ri,” Diana screamed through her teeth. “I swear on my honour as a Cavendish, if you so much as—”

“ARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

An bowl-shaking howl echoed through the hallways.

“What was that?” Akko squeaked.

“The school’s newest security measure,” Diana replied coolly. “I did try to tell you that you wouldn’t get away this time.”

“The professors got some monster just to protect the desserts?”

“Professor Finnelan did, yes. It’s a Cerberus, to be specific. Her name’s Terror. Play nice.”

“You’re just going to leave me to deal with it myself?”

“Yes. You brought this on yourself.”

“I can’t believe this! You can forget about that kiss!”

Akko flailed wildly, grabbing the cupcake again and tearing off into the hallway, her undone shirt flapping behind her like a cape.

Diana sighed. She knew she would have to go after Akko, even if it were just to make sure the girl didn’t escape the Cerberus.

She left the kitchens and was almost bowled over by the gigantic dog as it chased after her friend. There was murder in all six of its eyes, and Diana had the sinking suspicion that Akko would desperately need her help.

Without a second’s delay, she conjured her broom and flew off in hot pursuit. Terror was gaining on Akko, who was no match for the beast’s powerhouse of a gallop. The Cerberus snarled as it closed in on its prey, jaws snapping viciously in anticipation of the capture.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” Akko screamed. “DIAAAAAAAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! HELP ME!”

“This is what happens when you break the rules,” Diana said as she flew overhead.

“IT’S GOING TO EAT ME!!”

“Ironic, isn’t it? You went out for a midnight snack, and now you’ll go out as a midnight snack.”

“IF YOU DON’T SAVE ME, I’LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER, YOU SEAWEED HEAD!!”

“Very well,” Diana said with a small laugh. She dipped low on her broom and grabbed Akko’s free hand.

As she raised the broom to bring the to safety, the Cerberus chomped down on the end of the broom, sending the two witches wheeling through the air to land in a pile. Akko and Diana scrambled into an upright position just in time to see Terror snap the broom in half with a single bite.

“Um, I believe we will need a new escape plan,” Diana said quietly.

“Hmm, I don’t know, how about RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!”

Akko sprinted away at full speed, Diana at her side. The Cerberus was not far behind. It wasn’t long before they could feel its breath on the backs of their necks. One of the heads took a snap at Akko, who only kept her head because she ducked.

“Scrylla!” Diana shouted pointing her wand behind her, hoping to slow down the Cerberus. In her haste she had forgotten that Cerberi were resistant to magic. The beast was barely affected, even by her powerful magic.

“This isn’t going to work!” Akko yelled. She pulled out her wand. “Metamorphie Faciesse!”

Akko vanished in a puff of smoke. Diana spotted a familiar-looking mouse running off with a cupcake held over its head. She cast her own transformation spell and followed Akko in the form of a cat.

“Hey, smarty pants,” Akko yelled. “How are we going to get out of this? That thing is going to chew us to bits!”

“Technically it will only chew you to bits,” Diana replied. “It’s been trained not to eat the night patrol.”

Akko groaned. “C’mon, Diana. You gotta help me out of this!”

“Don’t worry, Akko, I have a plan. Follow me.” Diana took the lead and headed for a broom closet whose door she knew had been left open. She had been about to close it when she was alerted to Akko’s presence in the kitchen.

Sure enough, the door was still open. The two transformed witches raced to safety, pulling the door closed behind themselves. Just in time — Terror’s jaws snapped shut just as the door did. The Cerberus’s snarling continued, but the girls did their best to ignore it.

Akko breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought I was a goner.” She took a bite of her ill-gotten cupcake.

Diana took a swipe at the cupcake with her paw. “I didn’t save your hide just so you could enjoy stolen goods.”

“Lay off, will you,” Akko mumbled, her mouth full of cupcake.

Diana swatted at the cupcake again, but Akko dodged her, using her tiny body to take advantage of the enclosed space.

“This is ridiculous.” Diana negated her transformation spell, and then Akko’s. But she had forgotten to consider was that there was hardly enough room for two people in a broom closet full of supplies. The result was that Diana and Akko were left standing very close to each other.

Diana tried not to pass out from nerves. Akko’s face was buried in her hair, which she found pleasant, but terrifying.

Akko regretted unbuttoning her shirt earlier; Diana’s hand was on her bare waist. Suddenly, the whole femme fatale act wasn't funny so much as embarrassing.

Their mutual flustering was interrupted by several loud sniffs on the other side of the door. The Cerberus had stopped snarling, and seemed as if it were searching for a scent it recognized…

Diana remembered the amulet around her neck. “Akko, can you see the amulet around my neck?”

“No, but I can feel it. It’s kinda pressing up against my chest.” It’s not the only thing, Akko thought.

“The Cerberus is trained to avoid people wearing one of these amulets. If we mask your scent with the amulet’s, it may leave you alone.”

“That’s great!” Akko said, overjoyed at the thought of not being eaten. “How do we do that?”

“It’s already covering my scent, so the only thing we can do is…” Diana cleared her throat nervously, “...be close enough that it masks your scent too.”

Akko nearly had a heart attack. Get closer!? We’re practically hugging as it is! “You’re making that up!”

“I assure you, Akko, I’m not.”

“Y-you just want my body, don’t you?”

“If you’d rather, I could leave by myself and you can stay until morning,” Diana said, no intentions whatsoever in carrying out that alternative. As if she could leave her friend behind.

“Fine!” Akko threw away her reservations and used her free arm (she was holding the cupcake even now) to pull Diana even closer, snaking her hand up Diana’s back. Diana gasped in surprise at the sudden contact. She recovered quickly and followed their impromptu strategy, running her hand along Akko’s bare waist until she reached the girl’s spine, then pulled in deeply. Her other hand she used to pull Akko in by the shoulders. Akko nuzzled Diana’s neck, eliciting a squeak from the latter. Their haphazard embrace left both girls extremely embarrassed for themselves and each other, but there was little else they could do.

The Cerberus sniffed, and sniffed, and then snorted in disgust. The girls heard heavy footsteps padding down the hallway and into the distance until they faded away entirely.

“Is it gone?” Akko asked, her voice muffled by Diana’s hair.

“Let’s wait a little longer, just to be sure,” Diana said.

They waited an agonizingly eternal five minutes, each of the spending the duration worrying that the other could smell their sweat. Once they were sure the Cerberus was far enough away, they sprang apart, clinging to opposite walls of the closet.

“Thank goodness!” Akko said. “Now I can eat my cupcake!” She knew she had to eat it quickly before Diana could take it away from here.

Not one to disappoint, Diana tried to snatch the cupcake away from Akko, refusing to let the girl to reward herself for breaking the rules. “Akko, you are incorrigible!”

“You know you love me!” Akko said gleefully. After another bite, the cupcake was gone, save for the frosting all around her mouth. “Well, it’s about time I got to bed. Good night, Diana.”

Akko opened the closet door and attempted to leave, but Diana wasn’t about to let her escape without punishment. Diana grabbed Akko’s arm, but she tripped when she moved to follow. Both girls fell out of the closet in a tumble. Akko landed on the floor and Diana landed on top of her.

To be specific, Diana’s lips landed on top of Akko’s. So soft, Diana thought briefly.

She reeled back, embarrassed beyond belief. Did I just kiss Akko!?

Akko smiled impishly and threw out a quip to take the upper hand and hide her own embarrassment. “That’s one way to come out of the closet.”

Diana’s brain was so overloaded that she didn’t even protest when Akko left to go to bed. She even walked her to the Red Team’s dorm, just to make sure she didn’t run into any more Cerberus trouble.

Another teacher’s meeting was held the following day, Professor Finnelan raging at the missing cupcake. Diana said nothing of course. To admit knowledge of Akko’s theft would only invite questions she didn’t want to answer.

“You don’t need to be so stressed, Anne,” Holbrooke said calmly. “After all, it’s only a cupcake.”

Diana remembered the taste of it on Akko’s lips and smiled. “I suppose we can allow her one little treat.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, Akko,” Amanda said suddenly. “Why are you staring at Cavendish like that?”

It was lunch hour and the cafeteria was full of hungry students. Hungry, listening students. The Samhain Festival had just passed and everyone had a renewed interest in Diana and Akko after their performances. Diana’s exemplary summoning magic had blown them away as expected, but thought anything would’ve come from the Red Team’s performance as the sacrifices. Least of all, nobody had expected that Akko would bring laughter to the usually sombre celebration. As if that weren’t enough, quite a number of students had heard Akko’s bold declarations of her one-sided rivalry with Diana prior to the festival. The entire student body was watching them closely, eager for any form of entertainment the two could provide. So when both witches were mentioned in the same sentence, every head in the room turned to the source.

The Red Team and Green Team were sitting together, Amanda placed across from Akko in the perfect position to see what the other girl was doing.

“Wuh-what?” Akko spluttered. “I’m not staring at Diana!”

Yeah, you were,” Amanda asserted. “Right at her. Actually, I’d say you were gawking at her.”

“You’re just imagining things,” Akko insisted.

Diana sighed. The girls were practically yelling, disturbing everyone else’s meal. She was about to get up and warn them to quiet down, but Amanda’s next question stunned her in place.

“What, do you have the hots for her or something?”

“N-n-no! That’s ridiculous! She’s my rival!” Akko said desperately.

“If that’s true, then why are you turning red?” Amanda asked. “You’ve got it bad for Cavendish, dontcha?”

Akko denied it, but her flustered demeanour told the truth when she didn’t. The cafeteria fell silent as the students all came to the same conclusion: Atsuko Kagari had a crush on Diana Cavendish.

The silence was broken when the first girl laughed. Then another. And another. Soon everyone except the members of the red and green teams was laughing.

Except Diana. She saw nothing worthy of derision.

“This is just hilarious,” Mary said from a nearby table.

“I can’t believe her,” Avery said. “The commoner’s getting pretty uppity.”

“She’s got brain damage if she thinks she has a chance with Diana,” Blair agreed.

“As if Diana would ever look twice at someone like her,” Hannah said.

“Diana would never lower herself to Akko’s level,” Barbara concluded.

Soon the cafeteria was submerged in a sea of comments in that vein, mocking Akko and the very notion that she could be considered attractive. It was amazing that she held out as long as she did. Akko looked around frantically at the witches around her, watching her social standing collapsing to new depths. The laughter surrounded her on all sides and crushed inwards until it pushed her out of the room altogether. She ran from the cafeteria with her hands covering her face, her shoulders racked with sobs.

The red and green teams harshly admonished Amanda for instigating the fiasco before going after Akko to comfort her. The cruel laughter subsided shortly after its target left and the bullies talked amongst themselves about what had just happened.

With the exit of Akko’s friends, Diana became the only person in the room who hadn’t laughed at Akko. Not that Hannah and Barbara didn’t try to get her to participate. They spent the next ten minutes trying to elicit a mocking response from her, only giving up when Diana told them she had no interest in the subject. Laughter wasn’t something Diana Cavendish allowed herself. It was unbecoming of someone of her status.

The last laugh to escape her lips had done so when she was only a child, before her mother’s death forced her to grow into her aristocratic role years ahead of schedule. Frivolity wasn’t a luxury she could afford if she wanted to be taken seriously. Not if she wanted to stand up to her aunt and cousins. Not if she wanted to restore magic to the world. Not if she wanted to return the House of Cavendish to its former glory. She needed to be calm, cool, and collected at all times. People had expectations for her now, and she needed not only meet them, but exceed them.

No matter the situation, Diana Cavendish would not laugh.

It had been a week since Amanda had revealed her crush to the entire school, and things hadn’t gotten any easier. In fact, they may well have gotten worse. Akko had always been subjected to some of her classmates whispering nasty things behind her back, but now it seemed like everybody was doing it, and they did it right to her face. A titter rolled through the students every time she walked into a room. Any time she made eye contact with them, they sneered at her. It had gotten to the point where she couldn’t even bother to finish a day of classes, retiring to her bed in mid-afternoon. If she was lucky, she wouldn’t even cry herself to sleep.

In her dreams she could still hear the entire school laughing at her. Every time she closed her eyes she saw their condescending glares. She’d never been so humiliated in all her life. She didn’t even blame Amanda causing it — the American had been surprisingly apologetic. Akko could only blame herself for having such an obvious crush on such an unobtainable girl. Why did it have to be Diana? She asked herself over and over again. One day she was declaring her intentions to become a better witch than Diana, and the next she found herself pining for the girl something awful. All she’d done was give Akko the slightest bit of acknowledgement after the Samhain festival and apparently that was enough to make her fall for the blonde.

As if there was ever any chance of Diana going out with me, she lamented. She’d wondered if Diana would’ve considered her if she’d had the opportunity to prove herself as an equal and a real witch. As if. Why did I have to crush on the smartest, most beautiful, most popular girl in school? Had it been anyone else, she might’ve stood a chance. If it had been someone else, she wouldn’t be dealing with this much abuse from her classmates. Nobody would’ve cared if she’d had feelings for a nobody like Sarah. Or Amanda. But no, she had the misfortune to be head over heels for the one girl who would cause her the most trouble.

Akko didn’t even know how to feel about Diana’s reaction, or lack thereof. Her behaviour toward Akko hadn’t changed in the slightest. Though she certainly hadn’t softened any (her lectures were still as cutting as ever), she seemed to bear no ill will toward Akko. Unlike her cohorts, Diana hadn’t participated in any of the mocking or malicious laughter. That was something, at least. If Diana had laughed at her, she wouldn’t have left her dorm room ever again. But it was still unsettling that Diana appeared to be completely unaffected by the news that Akko liked her.

She was disappointed by how things had turned out, but she couldn’t let it keep her from living her life. No way was she going to let this get in the way of becoming a great witch like Shiny Chariot! She’d become the greatest witch in the world, and then who’d be laughing?

And with that, Akko found the resolve to get out of bed and attend classes for the day.

The past week had been frustratingly disruptive, in Diana’s opinion. The students’ excitement over such a trivial matter ought to have run its course by now, but the pettiness of teenage girls were a force beyond prediction. They could barely restrain themselves at the mere sight of Akko, falling into fits of snickering. Whenever she spoke in class, they couldn’t help but make some snide remark about her. It was a bizarre turn of events where Akko was now being as quiet and drawing as little attention as possible, and the rest of the girls were disrupting the class. The professors had given up trying to reign them in. If the farce continued, it would be up to Diana to restore order to this place of learning.

She figured that the best approach was to engage with Akko herself, to normalize contact between the two of them. It also might deter them from jeering at Akko if they knew Diana would hear their off-colour comments.

Today they had broom practice. Professor Nelson told them to pair off to practice flying with a passenger. Akko was left by herself when her fellow Red Team members picked each other, and Diana swooped in before anyone else could ask her (though she needn’t have worried, since nobody had faith in Akko’s flying ability).

“Akko, would you be my partner?” Diana asked. “I feel like a challenge.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Akko asked.

“You seem like you’d be most likely to fall off a broom, and I’m not sure many of our classmates are up to the task of keeping you in the air,” Diana said.

“I’ll show you!” Akko was too indignant to get flustered over her crush going out of the way to spend time with her (whatever the reason was). But some people weren’t going to let it go.

“Don’t worry, Diana,” Hannah said. “Akko fall off your broom.”

“Yeah,” Barbara said. “Because she’s already fallen for you!”

The girls let out a roar of laughter that echoed throughout the class. Akko turned bright red and Diana sighed deeply. So much for my strategy.

“Ignore them, Akko,” she said sternly. “You’re in class, not gossiping at a tea party.”

Akko nodded silently, not trusting her words.

Diana mounted her broom and readied herself for takeoff. She looked expectantly at Akko, who stood awkwardly off to the side.

“What are you waiting for?” Diana said. “Get on the broom.”

“Okay,” Akko mumbled. She gingerly sat on the broom behind Diana.

“Now hold onto my waist,” Diana instructed.

“What!?” Quite frankly, Akko’s heart would explode if she did that.

“How else are you going to stay on?” Diana said. “Are you going to hold onto the broom with just your thighs? They’re toned, but they’re not that muscular.”

“Please stop talking about my thighs,” Akko squeaked, temperature rising again.

“Holding onto the rider’s waist is what broom passengers do,” Diana said plainly. “It’s what every other pair is doing.” She waved her hand at all the other students, who were already airborne.

“But—”

“No buts. Your arms. My waist. Now.”

Akko did as she was told. She put her arms around Diana’s waist as loosely as possible, afraid of what Diana might think if she held on too tightly. She reversed her decision when they took off.

“If you crush my internal organs,” Diana wheezed, “this will be a very short flight.”

“Ahhh! Sorry!” Akko relaxed her hold as much as she dared. Once she calmed down, she marvelled at her good fortune. It’s almost like I’m hugging her, she thought. I never thought I would get the chance to do this.

Diana did her best to ignore that same line of thought. This was the closest she’d physically been to another person for a long, long time. And with Akko, of all people. Granted, it wasn’t that unlikely on Akko’s side of things, given her affection for the heiress. Diana wondered if by doing this she was humouring the girl’s feelings, but she reasoned that Akko deserved a little humouring after the way she’d been mistreated the past week.

But that didn’t mean Diana would go easier. She revved up the broom and started ramping up her speed and the complexity of her maneuvers. Akko was no slouch thought. She leaned with every turn and took every twist like a champ. As Diana ramped up the speed, Akko held tighter and tighter to accommodate the change. Diana found herself smirking. Akko may not be able to fly a broom on her own, but that didn’t mean she didn’t know how to handle one. She’d shown a similar level of skill when she nearly won the Broom Relay on the legendary Shooting Star. If only she could master the magical part of broom flight, she might actually be able to rival Diana.

They touched down and Akko hopped off the broom, eager to relieve herself of the stress of being that close to her crush. Diana dismounted more gracefully, sliding off the broom with aplomb.

“You did an excellent job, Akko. And here I was certain that your clumsiness would get the better of you.”

“Hey,” Akko objected. “You make it sound like you were trying to throw me off your broom!”

“Don’t be absurd. I would lose points if I did that.”

Diana’s deadpan response got a chuckle from Akko. It was the first time she’d laughed in a week.

Hannah and Barbara weren’t going to let her get away with that much joy.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Akko.” Hannah said. “It’s not like you two are close now.”

“Seriously, you’d use any excuse to creep on Diana, wouldn’t you?” Barbara said viciously.

Akko’s eyes deadened, her face falling, plummeting into depression. “I’ll be right back,” she told Diana. “I have to go to the bathroom.” She trudged off to the school building.

No doubt Hannah and Barbara had more to say about Akko once she was gone, but Diana jumped on them before they had the chance. “You girls disappoint me with how careless you’re being. Do you have any idea what your bullying is doing to Akko’s academic performance?”

“We—”

“Did you even notice that Akko has been skipping classes just to get away from you and your classmates? If you keep this up, she’ll be expelled for her lack of attendance.”

“Who cares,” Hannah said. “It’s just Akko. She doesn’t belong here anyway.”

“If Akko cannot meet the academic standards of our school, she will suffer the consequences. But it isn’t fair to force her out of the school over something so petty as her romantic interests.”

“Geez, okay, Diana,” Barbara said. “We didn’t think you would care so much.”

Diana realized that she did care. She was bothered by this merciless harassment of a student, as if such conduct was in any way in line with witch tradition. The Cavendish family’s motto was “affection,” anyone in her position would find such treatment of a fellow witch to be utterly distasteful. What disgusted her the most was that her classmates seemed to be doing so with the expectation that Diana would approve of their behaviour, as if she would revel in the inhumane way her troublesome self-declared rival was being treated. What had she done to make them think that was where her priorities lay?

Akko didn’t return to broom practice. Diana was concerned that she would skip the rest of the day. If that were the case, Diana would drag her into class herself. This was really getting out of hand.

On her way back to the castle she was approached by Amanda.

“I see you’re warming up to Akko,” she declared.

“Oh?” Diana had little interest in entertaining whatever notions Amanda had about the situation.

“Partnering up with her, and then defending Akko from your twerps. Quite a change from usual, Miss Cavendish.”

“I’m simply putting my foot down,” Diana said dismissively. “This nonsense has been out of hand for too long and the effect it’s had on Akko’s school performance is appalling.”

“Teacher’s pet,” Amanda quipped. “You really don’t have any reaction to Akko saying she’s got a hard-on for you?”

“I believe you were the one who said that,” Diana replied, wrinkling her nose at Amanda’s vulgar phrasing.

“Same difference. But you’re really feeling nothing about it? Not even any jitters?”

“Should I be?” Diana asked. “I don’t see why I should let someone else’s feelings affect my, particular someone with whom I share an uncordial relationship.”

“Wow. Cold. Seriously though, you haven’t even responded to her?”

Diana frowned. “Akko hasn’t asked to court me, so I have nothing to respond to. Nor will I be proactive and voice my thoughts on the subject unbidden. Furthermore, I have no interest in dating. It would interfere with my schoolwork.”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “Of course. Schoolwork. You would say that, wouldn’t you.”

Diana had heard quite enough about what she would or would not do this past week. She ignored Amanda and proceeded to her next class where she would look for Akko, hunting her down should she not be there. Diana would make sure Akko continued her studies, despite whatever expectations others held her to.

Every since she was a child, she’d been held to certain expectations. That was the fate of the nobility. She had to fit a particular image and uphold that for the rest of her life. There were many things it was taken as a given that Diana Cavendish would or would not do. Diana Cavendish would be an exemplar of all witch-kind. Diana Cavendish would not associate with rabble like Akko. Diana Cavendish would hold academics above all else. Diana Cavendish would not let emotions rule her head and give way to an unlikely romance. From the day she entered Luna Nova, both students and professors expected the best from her, often ignoring the achievements of others to do so. The name “Cavendish” told people everything they needed to know about her, or so they thought. At some point she had adopted those same expectations for herself, and they had unwittingly become a cage from which she couldn’t escape.

Akko had never had such compulsions. She held herself to the standards of Shiny Chariot, which some would argue were the lowest bar possible. Nobody expected anything from a commoner with no lineage of magic to speak of, but time and time again Akko had shone like a star, nearly outshining Diana herself on a growing number of occasions. It hadn’t even been a month since the Samhain Festival when she’d given a show-stopping performance that had brought not mere awe at magical prowess, but laughter and joy. Not only would a person not expect this of Atsuko Kagari, no one would ever think Diana would do something like that. Because Diana Cavendish did not laugh. Diana Cavendish did not make people smile.

Akko defied expectations. Diana conformed to them. The stark reality of this revelation left Diana wondering if this was the path she wanted to follow, always holding herself to the expectations of others. Did she want all of her accomplishments followed with a stale “as expected of Diana Cavendish,” or did she want something more? Did she want to surprise people with what she could and would do?

Akko had certainly surprised Diana by falling for her after everything that had happened between them so far.

While Diana was on her way to class, Akko had finally hit her limit. She’d stayed behind and waited waited almost until the bell had rung before entering the classroom. The class went through their usual routine of laughing at her. She wasn’t even in her seat before someone shouted a nasty comment at her. They were getting to be quick to the draw.

“Don’t think none of us saw you macking on Diana,” Mary said.

“Get over yourself,” Blair said. “Diana was only being nice to you. There’s no way she’d ever care about a pathetic, useless witch like you.”

Akko had had enough of this abuse. All the pressure that had been building in the past week was suddenly released in the venting of the century.

“Who cares if I like Diana!? So what if I’ve got a thing for her now. I’m practically the only witch here who hasn’t been fawning over her since day one. Most of you have been licking her boots every time she lifts her feet. ‘Oh, Diana, you’re so smart and amazing and perfect.’ Give me a break! You think I’m pathetic? How many of you have asked Diana for help for something? I know for a fact that half of you can barely tie your shoes without her. You all expect Diana to solve all your problems. She ought to be on the payroll here as a guidance counselor! You think she’s only being nice to me? Do you think she gives a damn about any of you? She isn’t going to fall over herself to be friends with a bunch of sycophants like you! I didn’t decide to like Diana this way, and I don’t expect her to suddenly start liking me back. I don’t pretend to know her that well, the way you all seem to think you do.”

Diana was standing on the other side of the door, raptly listening to Akko’s shouting. She’d been there since the first word, too hypnotized by Akko’s impassioned speech to enter the room and interrupt. She ought to have expected that Akko would stand up to her bullies eventually. It wasn’t like Akko to take that kind of thing lying down. But here she was again, defying expectations, not just defending herself, but calling out everyone who’d mistreated her. And not a single thing she’d said was untrue. She really had to hand it to Akko, but she knew her classmates would only be cowed for so long before firing back. Diana would have to intervene. She entered the classroom and strode toward Akko with unparalleled determination. She would have to do something that Diana Cavendish would not do.

“And I’m not useless!” Akko shouted. “I’ll get better at magic and I’ll do tons of things you chumps would never even dream of doing!”

Every eye in the class followed Diana as she came up to Akko, who turned to face her, surprised. “Oh, Diana. What are you—”

Diana grabbed Akko’s face in both of her hands, closed her eyes, and kissed Akko full on the mouth.

The class gasped as one. When Diana pulled away and opened her eyes, she saw that Akko was no less shocked. How’s that for defying expectations.

“Please keep your voice down,” she calmly told Akko as if she hadn’t just kissed her in front of the entire class. “Class may not have started yet, but you’re still being disruptive, and if you continue I’ll have to ensure you’re punished for it.”

And with that she walked away and found her seat among the graveyard of petrified classmates. By the time she settled in, Akko still hadn’t moved. Or breathed, it seemed.

“Go to your seat,” Diana said. “The professor will be here any second.”

Akko nodded mechanically and scurried over to her seat. Diana watched her shoulders shake ever so slightly as she giggled to herself over what had just happened.

Diana couldn’t hold back a chuckle. Defying expectations certainly had its charms. She would be looking forward to doing it again. And again. And again.

Chapter Text

A month before summer vacation started, Diana visited the Red Team dorm room, looking for Akko.

“Hey, Diana,” Akko greeted cheerily. “What can I do for you?”

Diana peered around the room. “Are Lotte and Sucy out?”

“Yup! They went on a mushroom-picking date.”

“I… was not aware there was such a thing.”

Akko shrugged. “Sucy is Sucy, and Lotte likes to keep her happy.”

Diana nodded sagely, as if she related the sentiment.

“So, what did you want?” Akko asked again.

Diana cleared her throat nervously. “Do you have any plans for the upcoming summer vacation?” she asked.

Akko scratched her head as she wrung her brain out for an answer. “I don’t think so. Why do you ask.”

“Well,” Diana paused, fidgeting in a most un-Diana-like way. “I just received a letter from Aunt Daryl.”

“What!? That mean lady? What does she want?” Akko huffed in anticipation of another scheme against Diana, something she just wouldn’t stand for. Diana’s aunt ought to be grateful that her niece saved her from being a gnarled, old root for the rest of her life.

“She’s requested that I come to the mansion over the summer vacation. Apparently there’s a matter she must discuss with me pertaining to my role as the head of the family. And before you ask, she didn’t say anything more on the subject. Furthermore, she’s instructed me to bring my closest companion along with me.”

“Really?” Akko asked. “I wonder why.”

Diana’s shoulders didn’t shrug so much as slump. “Again, she was reticent on the issue.” As it were, Daryl had specifically suggested she bring Akko along, correctly assuming that she would be Diana’s first choice. No doubt Daryl had seen Diana and Akko tackle the Noir Missile Crisis together and inferred that they had grown closer since Akko’s intrusion at their estate. Nevertheless, Diana had a hard time believing that her aunt would want to see Akko again after those events. Perhaps the circumstances were outside Daryl’s control, thought that would raise a whole new set of questions.

“Maybe she’s worried that you’ll be lonely without a friend,” Akko suggested.

“She needn’t worry,” Diana said solemnly. “I’m well accustomed to solitude.” She flicked her hair back in a gesture that was both really cool and kinda hot. I bet she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, Akko thought. Or maybe she’s doing it to show off how cool she is. “Look at me, I’m a beautiful, brooding, tortured soul.” But Akko had to admit that it did look cool. If you were into that kind of thing.

“Ooh, what if your aunt is trying to make you get married or something?” Akko said. “That kind of thing happens to aristocrats all the time! Maybe she wants to vet your closest companion and get you hitched!”

“I highly doubt that’s what she’s planning,” Diana said curtly. As if Daryl would ever approve of my marrying Akko, Diana thought. Not that I have any intention of marrying Akko. But that isn’t to say that I’m entirely opposed to the idea — but that doesn’t matter. I’m not getting married right now and Akko isn’t interested in marrying me anyway.

“Wow, Diana, you didn’t even get me a ring,” Akko joked. “You noble types are pretty stingy.”

Diana rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help but smile. “I can’t believe you’re being insensitive to my family’s financial troubles.”

“Sorry Diana, but we’re too young to get married. Maybe in a few more years,”

Diana’s heart twinged at those words, but she wasn’t about to let Akko know that. In fact, she deflected by turning Akko’s own words right back at her. “Is that a promise?”

Akko laughed, turning away to hide the dusting of pink across her cheeks.

Diana smiled at her victory. “So, Akko. Will you accompany me this summer? It’s alright if you don’t want to. I could ask Hannah or Barbara—”

“I’ll do it!” Akko said quickly, turning back and grabbing Diana’s hands. “Don’t worry, Diana! I won’t let that evil hag do anything bad to you. You can count on me!”

Diana grinned, overwhelmed by Akko’s enthusiasm.”There’s no one I’d rather have at my side.”

Summer vacation began, and Akko and Diana set off to Cavendish Manor on a single broom, their luggage in tow.

Diana wondered to herself why she had suggested they both travel on the same broom. It didn’t make any logical sense. It was always better for two witches to each have a broom, even if one was only intended as a spare. Akko hadn’t questioned her suggestion, especially after Diana said she should fly the broom and Diana would be the passenger. The Japanese girl was eager to prove that her flying skills had improved.

They emerged from the leyline without incident and cruised toward the Cavendish estate. Akko really had improved, not that Diana had ever doubted her. She really had made astounding progress this year. As her on-and-off tutor, Diana was proud of Akko. I really ought to praise her more often, Diana thought idly as they touched down in front of the manor.

“Here we are,” Akko declared. “Yet another smooth landing on Akko Airlines!”

“Well done, Akko,” Diana said. She slid her arms from the customary position of “safe way to hold onto a broom rider” to “hugging your gal pal around the waist.”

“Wuh!” Akko blurted. Is this a thing we’re doing now? I didn’t get a memo! “Um, Diana?” she asked sheepishly. “What are you doing?”

“Rewarding you for being a good flier,” Diana’s mouth said of its own accord. Then, as if controlled by a mysterious force, her body snuggled closer to Akko’s, pulling her into a tighter hug, nuzzling at the back of her neck.

“I-I-I should give you a ride more often!” Akko stuttered bashfully. Diana’s newfound clinginess was kinda weird, but Akko wasn’t complaining. Anything for a nice hug from a pretty girl.

Diana herself didn’t understand her own actions. What has come over me? This is completely improper. Thank goodness that Akko doesn’t seem to mind. It took a concerted mental effort to disentangle herself from Akko and dismount the broom. Akko followed suit and they walked up to the manor. Anna met them at the door and brought them to the dining room where Daryl was waiting for them.

Diana’s aunt sat at the head of the table. She wore her suit this time around, all business. Akko was struck by how someone with features so like Diana could think and behave so differently. Kindness, as it were, wasn’t genetic and had to be learned, a lesson Daryl seemed to have missed.

“Welcome home, Diana, dear,” Daryl said as if she hadn’t attacked her niece with snakes the last time they met. “And here’s the commoner witch. Atsuko Kagari, correct? I knew you’d drag her along.”

“Hey there, auntie,” Akko said, taking a seat at the table, followed by Diana. “Are you still being evil?”

“No,” Daryl answered. “My license expired and I haven’t been to the permit office to get a new one yet.”

“What is so important that you called not only me here, but Akko as well,” Diana demanded.

“There’s no need to snap at me. Goodness, the youth these days have no manners. Don’t worry your pretty, little head. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. We have to talk about the Cavendish Curse,” Daryl said dramatically.

“Your family has a curse?” Akko asked Diana. “That’s so cool.”

“The House of Cavendish has no such affliction,” Diana said. “Unless you count the curse of extended family.”

“Okay, it’s not really a curse, but I’m a sucker for alliteration,” Daryl conceded. “But it’s not something you would know about. It’s a secret passed down from head to head. Bernadette told me before she passed away and I became the proxy head of the family. You were too young for your mother to tell you, and you and I have hadn’t exactly been on proper speaking terms lately. Or ever.”

“And whose fault is that?” Diana asked. “I did nothing to earn your scorn other than uphold our family’s ideals.”

Daryl raised an eyebrow. “You had your maid teach you how to sew for the express purpose of stitching my entire wardrobe together,” she said.

“I did you a favour,” Diana said guiltlessly. “Your fashion sense was even more gauche back then.”

“Wow, catty,” Akko commented.

“The point being,” Daryl continued, “that there’s things about our family even the prodigal daughter doesn’t know. Anyway, the Cavendish Curse. When the founder of our family, the great witch Beatrix, established our house on the principle of ‘affection,’ she knew that the family head would always be at risk of being corrupted by power and greed and forget the family’s ideals of universal kindness.”

“You speak from experience,” Diana said coldly.

“Try to sell a family heirloom once and you never hear the end of it,” Daryl whined. “To prevent the future heads of the family from giving into temptation, Beatrix cast a powerful spell and integrated it into the assumption ritual. The one you performed last year, Diana.”

“So you’re saying that Diana’s got this curse thing?” Akko asked. Daryl nodded. “But what does it do?”

“Don’t worry, Akko,” Diana reassured her, placing a hand over Akko’s. “Whatever the enchantment is, I’m sure my ancestor won’t cause me too much trouble.”

Daryl snickered. “I wouldn’t be so sure. You may soon be regretting taking the position of head of the family away from me.”

“I doubt that,” Diana said.

“The curse is intended to make sure that the head never forgets our family’s central tenet and motto, ‘affection.’ It’s meant to keep the Cavendishes all kind and selfless and humanitarian. See, the curse activates when the head hasn’t been affectionate enough for a certain period of time. The longer the head goes without expressing affection, the worse it gets.”

“And what exactly is the effect of this spell, once activated?”

“Simply put, it makes you affectionate. The head’s body will find itself irresistibly drawn to others until the head has expressed enough affection to make up for their deficit. It only gets worse the longer you hold it off.”

“I don’t believe a word of this,” Diana said. “This is all nonsense.”

“Oh? The curse has already taken effect.”

“And just how do you know this?”

“Well, you’re holding Atsuko’s hand.”

Diana’s eyes shot downward. It was true. She’d unwittingly interlaced her fingers with Akko’s and was gently stroking her friend’s hand with her thumb. When did that happen?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Diana hissed at Akko.

“I didn’t want to interrupt,” Akko said feebly. She suddenly understood why Diana had been all over her on the broom earlier.

Of all the times for Akko to learn the importance of waiting her turn to talk, Diana lamented.

“Do you two regularly hold hands?” Daryl asked slyly. “You never did mention the status of your relationship.”

“A-Akko’s just a friend,” Diana stuttered.

“Really?” Daryl asked. “Well, this might get awkward. I told you to bring your closest companion. To think that the Cavendish heiress has no dating game. Our family truly is going to the dogs.”

“Why would it be a problem that I’m only friends with Diana?” Akko asked, afraid of the answer. Am I not going to be enough to help her with this curse?

“You see, the quickest way to get rid of the curse build-up is to be glowingly intimate with another person. The curse demands that the head be kind and friendly to everyone they meet. The effects set in if the head hasn’t been meeting those standards. I figured that Diana was too shy and formal to fulfil the curse’s requirements. Her mother had no problem with it, they way she bent over backward to help everyone who asked. I suppose that’s one thing she did right.”

“If I’m too unkind for the curse’s liking,” Diana said. “I can only imagine how it affected you.”

Daryl sighed heavily. “Isn’t that the truth? I have many strengths, but affection toward strangers isn’t one of them. You have no idea how much money I spent on escorts just trying to keep up with the curse.”

“Diana, what does she mean by ‘escorts’?” Akko asked.

Diana ignored her for the sake of her own composure. “So, you’re saying you invited Akko here so she could… help me with this curse?”

“That’s the gist of it,” Daryl said. “I figured you couldn’t stay ahead of the curse with your stiff attitude, especially if you didn’t know to avoid its effects in the first place. I waited until now when you had built up some of the curse and had the freedom and privacy to release that build up.”

“You know,” Diana said roughly, her anger rising. “You could’ve told me this at any time before now so I wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“I could’ve, but I thought it would be funnier this way,” Daryl said with a snake-like smile.

“It doesn’t sound so bad, Diana,” Akko said. “We just have to h-hug it out a litte. No problem, right?” We just have to ignore that I’m blushing just thinking about it.

“You’ll be hugging non-stop until summer break is over if you do it that way,” Daryl said slyly. “You might be able to cut it down if you go a little farther than hugging. If you’re feeling particularly bold, you could just bang it all out in one night.”

“What do you mean, bang it all out… in one… night…” Akko turned bright red and her voice petered out into nothing as she realized what Daryl was implying.

“That’s enough,” Diana shouted, standing up. “It’s one for you to have withheld this information from me, but it’s quite another to have summoned Akko here without any idea of what you plan to put her through.”

“I don’t see the problem,” Daryl said blankly. “Does Atsuko have a problem with helping you alleviate the curse?”

“Of course she doesn’t—”

“It’s fine!” Akko said, standing up with Diana. “It’s just a little cuddling, right? We can get you through this curse thing together!”

“That won’t be necessary, Akko,” Diana said. “I will restrain myself.” She glared at Daryl. “Akko and I are tired. We’ll be going to bed now.”

“Don’t keep your guest up too long, she needs her sleep,” Daryl said suggestively.

Diana scoffed. She turned to leave, and she automatically put her arm around Akko’s waist as she led Akko away from the dining room.

“How’s that restraining yourself going?” Daryl called after her.

“It’s okay, you know?” Akko said as they ascended the stairs. Neither of them had removed Diana’s arm from her waist. “There’s nothing wrong with a little skinship between gal pals.”

“Are you sure?” Diana asked hesitantly. She didn’t want Akko to think she had to put up with Diana pawing at her just to deal with what was a Cavendish problem.

“Yup! It’s totally normal!” It was, in fact, not normal, but Akko kind of liked that she was getting some more-than-platonic affection. “It’s just like Hannah and Barbara. They’re best friends and they’re always all over each other.”

“Right. Just like Hannah and Barbara,” Diana said blankly. Akko could only say that with a straight face because she didn’t know what those girls got up to when they thought Diana was asleep.

Diana unconsciously brought Akko in front of her room, as if they would both be going inside, which was absurd. She would have to put Akko in one of the guest rooms.

“You’ll be sleeping in my room,” the curse made Diana say as she clung to Akko.

“Oh, okay,” Akko said shyly. “It’ll be like a sleepover!”

Diana was flummoxed. “No, I mean, you’ll be sleeping in my— in my— you’ll be sleeping in my—” No matter how much she tried to correct herself, the curse was intent on keeping them in the same room. “The curse… it won’t…”

Akko picked up on her frustration. “You’ve got it really bad, huh? Don’t worry, Diana. You don’t need to hold back. We can beat this curse together!”

“Oh, Akko,” Diana pulled Akko into a warm hug, unaided by the curse. “You’re such a wonderful friend. What would I do without you.”

Akko giggled. “Aw, that’s the curse talking, isn’t it.”

“I’m serious, Akko. I’m very grateful to you.”

“Oh, gosh.” Now Akko was getting embarrassed, but in a good way.

After a few minutes, Diana cleared her throat. “Um, we should probably go to sleep soon, shouldn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Akko said with a laugh. She wouldn’t have minded being hugged by Diana a little longer, but it wouldn’t be fair to keep her up.

The entered Diana’s bedroom, its owner leading her guest by the hand. They changed into their nightwear and approached Diana’s plush king-sized bed.

“Plenty of room for both of us,” Diana said.

“Or, like, you know,” Akko began nervously. “Maybe you could spoon me — you know, for the curse! And because I’ve never been spooned before, and it seems nice,” Akko added sheepishly.

“I suppose I can’t say no to that,” Diana conceded. As a matter of fact she could say no, but she chose otherwise. She didn’t dislike snuggling up to Akko.

Akko got into bed and lay on her side. Diana came in behind her, pulled the covers up over them, and slipped an arm around Akko.

“Is that alright?” she asked.

“Yup!” Akko answered. “This is super comfy. We should’ve done this sooner.”

“Oh?” Diana smiled to herself. “Did you catch the curse from me? You’re being quite forward.”

Akko giggled in response but said nothing. Diana snuggled closer, burying her face in Akko’s hair, eliciting a contented sigh from the brunette.

Akko was in heaven. She was in a warm, soft bed with a warm, soft girl clinging to her. It was a shame that this had only happened because of a curse and Daryl’s meddling, but Akko would have agreed to it in any other circumstances as well. If more of this treatment was needed to help with the curse, Akko was glad to help.

The Cavendish detected this an abated ever so slightly.

“It has occurred to,” Diana said as she spoonfed Akko her breakfast, “that the easiest way to alleviate the effects of the curse would be to focus on what it is specifically would make you the happiest.”

“You’re doing fine already,” Akko said through a mouthful of porridge. She had woken up feeling the most refreshed she could remember. She almost didn’t want to get up, and Diana almost didn’t let her. Akko suspected that Diana was a cuddler by nature, and the curse had only brought what was already there.

She swallowed. “I mean, I just want to spend time with you. We ought to make the most of our summer vacation. You don’t need to treat me like a princess or anything.”

“Oh, don’t I?” Diana reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Akko’s ear. “It’s what you deserve, Akko.”

Akko blushed. “You’re just saying that,” she demurred.

Diana smirked. “Are you calling me a liar? I assure you I meant every word.” She enjoyed seeing Akko’s pleased responses, though she couldn’t parse if this was prompted by the curse or had simply been lying dormant in her psyche.

“I guess you’re going to have to keep spoiling me then,” Akko said. She couldn’t wait.

For the rest of the day, the two witches were inseparable. They were practically intertwined whenever they were stationary, limiting themselves to hand-holding when they were in motion. Throughout the day Diana fed Akko her food and aided her with every other task imaginable. Akko barely had to lift a finger. Thought Akko felt weird about someone doing so much for her, she relished being showered with attention. In the afternoon they went for a swim (and nearly drowned because they tried to hug and swim at the same time), and afterward Diana taught Akko how to ride a horse, including an obligatory instance of Diana riding behind her and using that as an opportunity to snuggle. Akko enjoyed every minute of it. Diana was doing an exemplary job of making her feel like a princess.

Diana for her part was no less enthused. It was almost as if she had been waiting for an excuse to act this way toward Akko. At every chance she had, she drowned Akko in gushing praise, inundating her friend with compliments and approval she had seldom experienced during her turbulent time at Luna Nova. Oddly, Akko accepted the praise modestly, as opposed to how the old Akko’s overconfidence might have soured any recognition of her good points. She was certainly pleased, but in an embarrassed way that Diana couldn’t figure out the reason for. In any event, Diana could feel the urges caused by the curse to diminish slightly, but her body was still drawn to Akko, longing to give her physical affection. At this rate she would be clinging to Akko all summer before the curse abated.

...not that she would mind…

Night fell and Akko and Diana wrapped up their activities in preparation for an inevitable night of snuggling. Diana tried not to blush at the thought of it.

Diana wandered the halls while she waited for Akko to finish getting ready for bed. She stumbled upon Daryl, who smirked upon seeing her.

“Where’s your companion?” she asked. “And I here I thought you two were literally attached at the hip.”

Diana didn’t deign to answer. “This curse is rather inconvenient. I can’t imagine why Beatrix thought it was necessary.”

“Don’t be such a whiner,” Daryl said. “Anyone can see that you’re enjoying yourself.”

Diana refused to blush in front of her aunt. “I’m only doing this because of the curse—”

“Don’t lie to your family, Diana. “The curse can only do so much. It doesn’t make you pounce on whoever’s around. You’ve got to actually want it. And naturally the curse can tell if your target wants it to. The curse is kind of a prank that embarrasses the head, but Beatrix wasn’t out to cause trouble. The point is to show the value of being kind and all that junk.” Daryl shrugged. “Or maybe Beatrix was just a huge troll. Who knows.”

“If so, you certainly inherited that trait.”

“Oh pooh, you need a hug. I won’t keep you up any longer. You have a princess to bed, after all. Respect the family motto!” Daryl walked off with a laugh.

Curse Beatrix and curse that woman as well.

Diana returned to her room where Akko was waiting in bed for her. But not in that way. Totally not in that way.

Diana lay down beside Akko and started playing with her long, brown hair absentmindedly. “Sorry to keep you waiting, princess.”

Akko giggled. “I wish you were always this nice to me,” She said dreamily.

Diana’s heart skipped a beat. “That can be arranged.”

“Wuh-what?” Akko sat up in shock. “Y-you’re just saying that because of the curse!”

Diana smiled and shook her head. “I just like seeing you smile.”

“Oh, well, gosh,” Akko mumbled, blushing up a storm. She was about to respond properly when Diana pulled her back down onto the bed and rolled on top of her.

“Now is there anything else I can do for you, princess?” Diana purred.

“Should I list them in alphabetical or chronological order?” Akko replied.

The morning after, Akko and Diana left her room as girlfriends, positively glowing after a night of… let’s say “furious cuddling” and leave it at that.

Daryl smirked at the love bites on Akko’s neck. “Going that far on night one? You two are going to be insufferable in a week. I’m moving out.”

Akko and Diana’s summer just kept getting better and better.

Chapter Text

Diana ought to have expected that she couldn’t even have a quiet tea party with her girlfriend without something eventful happening.

The past week had been harrowingly busy for Diana. Apart from her studies, she had been aiding the professor resolve various inconveniences around Luna Nova caused by the upsurge of magical following the global rejuvenation of magic. That was to say nothing of all the trouble caused by certain students — Amanda O’Neill in particular — distracting her from everything else. At least she no longer had to worry about Akko breaking the rules and causing any disturbances; it was a condition of their relationship that Akko behave herself.

There was a lull in magical incidents, and Amanda was in detention. Akko demanded that Diana take the opportunity to relax and let her girlfriend pamper her, a request that Diana was only too willing to comply with.

Akko decided that a tea party was just the thing for her girlfriend to unwind. They retired to the Blue Team’s dorm room. Akko brewed the tea herself and even prepared tarts for them to eat. Diana wasn’t too fond of sweets, but they tasted so much better when Akko made them.

Everything was perfect until Akko dropped her teacup. The fine china shattered upon impact with the floor, spilling tea everywhere. This itself was not that grave an issue, but Akko’s reaction rather complicated the matter.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Diana!” Akko wailed.

“It’s fine, Akko.” Diana had received countless teacups from her extended family as birthday presents for as long as she could remember. The loss of one was nothing to be distressed over.

“I’ll fix it!” Akko said. She whipped out her wand. “Chronolo Esrever!”

“No, Akko!” Diana lunged forward to stop Akko, but was too late. Akko had cast a minor time reversal, which was terribly heavy-handed for fixing the problem of a broken teacup. Time spells were wildly unpredictable even when cast by the most skilled of witches. Akko was not the most skilled of witches.

Not only was Diana unable to stop Akko, her efforts to do so put her in the path of the spell, which struck her hand. There was a violent flash of light that set both girls blinking in confusion.

“Akko! What have I told you about attempting complicated spells in uncontrolled conditions? Even I wouldn’t have used that spell for something as inconsequential as a teacup!”

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me for breaking something…” Akko said quietly.

Diana sighed. As if I would be mad at you for something like that. I’m only strict with you because I’m concerned for your safety. She was about to tell Akko as much when a third voice joined the conversation.

“You shouldn’t raise your voice at someone. It’s mean.”

Standing over the broken teacup — where the spell had hit Diana — was a small girl, perhaps six years of age. She had long, platinum-blonde hair and wide, blue eyes. She looked astonishingly familiar to Diana, and then it occurred to her: That’s me.

“You shouldn’t be mean to your friends. My mummy said so,” Young Diana continued.

“Wah!” Akko yelped. “Where did you come from?”

“I don’t know,” Young Diana said. “Are you a Cavendish?” she asked Diana. “You look like my mummy.”

Akko looked back and forth between Diana and her six year-old self. “Wait, Diana, is that?”

Diana pinched the bridge of her nose. “It seems your botched time spell has created a sort of projection of my past self.”

“Wait, is this like a time travel kind of situation?” Akko asked, panicked. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Don’t worry, Akko. Your magic isn’t strong enough to affect the timeline to that great of an extent. Whatever you’ve done, I’m sure it will resolve on its own without incident.” Diana stared meaningfully off into the distance, as if attempting to convince an unseen audience that she was justified in hand-waving the mechanics of time-based magic.

“Um, alright then,” Akko said, not interested in pressing the matter. She turned to Young Diana. “Hey there, little Diana. My name’s Akko!”

Young Diana held out her hand. “How do you do?” she asked in her bestest, most politest voice, just like Mummy taught her.

Akko shook her hand, squealing with delight. “She’s so cute, Diana! I mean, you were so cute!”

“I was so cute?” Diana asked dangerously.

“Uh, let me rephrase that,” Akko said quickly.

“How do you do, Diana?” Young Diana offered Diana her hand.

Diana took it wordlessly.

“You’re very pretty,” Young Diana said earnestly.

Akko snickered at the sight of Diana complimenting herself.

“You’re even prettier,” Young Diana said to Akko.

“Aw, shucks,” Akko said bashfully.

Diana scowled. She was the only one allowed to make Akko blush. Which was technically still the case, but the principle needed to be upheld.

“I’m actually dating Old Diana here,” Akko said proudly.

“Old Diana, is it?”

“Wow!” Young Diana said. “I’m going to have a pretty girlfriend? That’s the best!”

Akko giggled. “Would you like a cup of tea, Diana?” she asked the younger girl.

“Yes, please.”

Diana conjured another seat for the table while Akko fetched another teacup (Diana fixed up the broken one and magicked away the spilled tea). Young Diana took her seat with pose, already a well-bred aristocrat.

Young Diana was quite taken with Akko, bombarding her with questions and compliments between dainty sips of tea. Akko devoted her attention to the younger Diana, occasionally telling the older Diana how sweet and adorable the younger Diana was. Meanwhile, Diana said nothing, stewing and steaming like her tea as she watched Akko spoil her younger self instead of her. Technically Akko was fulfilling her promise to pamper her today, but Diana herself hardly saw the benefits of this approach.

Inevitably, the conversation came to Shiny Chariot.

“Shiny Chariot is the best!” Young Diana declared. “I saw her perform in Japan!”

“Me too!” Akko gushed. “Ooh! I’ve got something cool to show you!” Akko got up to leave.

“If you try to interrupt Professor Ursula’s day to bring her here, I will smite you,” Diana said sternly.

“Relax, I wasn’t going to go that far!” Akko left the room, promising to return in a minute.

“You’re so lucky to have such a lovely girlfriend,” Young Diana said.

“I suppose so,” Diana said mildly.

“I’m so happy she’s going to be my girlfriend one day.”

“You’ll just have to wait your turn,” Diana said curtly.

Akko returned with her Shiny Chariot card collection. “Look at this, Diana!”

“Wow!” Young Diana lost all composure, bouncing up and down in her chair. “Can we play?”

“Sure!” Akko set the cards up and the two began to play. After the third game, Diana got tired of not being the centre of attention on her own special day. She got up from her chair and sat down next to Akko, putting her head in her girlfriend’s lap.

“What’s up, Diana?” Akko asked. “What are you pouting for?”

“You can’t, Diana!” Young Diana said urgently. “A lady doesn’t pout! It’s uncouth!”

Diana ignored herself. “You’re supposed to be spoiling me.”

“But I am spoiling you.”

“You know what I mean,” Diana grumbled into her girlfriend’s skirt.

Akko giggled. “I’m sorry, Diana, but the younger you is too irresistible. I wish I knew you back then too.” She started stroking Diana’s hair in an attempt to content her like a fussy cat in need of a head scratch. It worked swimmingly.

The next few minutes went without mischief, until another flash of light burst out of nowhere. When Akko and Diana regained their vision, the child Diana was replaced with a preteen version who looked like she crawled out of the depths of a Hot Topic. One side of her head was shaved clean, her face marred by raccoon-eye makeup and black lipstick. She wore bracelets and a choker with spikes on them, dark skinny jeans, and an Evanescence t-shirt.

“By the Nine Olde Witches,” Diana said with horror. “My goth phase.”

Diana raised her head a little higher and caught Goth Diana’s attention. “Were you just giving that girl head?”

“Pardon me!?”

“Wuh-what!?”

“Wait,” Goth Diana looked at Diana closer. “Are you me, but, like, older?”

“Yes. It’s a long story.”

“Cool,” Goth Diana said complacently. “I mean, I didn’t think I’d spend my teen years giving head to random girls at tea parties, but at least this one’s a hottie.”

“Hottie!?” Akko blushed.

“She’s not a random girl,” Diana objected. “I’ll have you know that she’s my girlfriend. And she’ll be yours on day, so treat her with respect.”

“Really, huh?” Goth Diana gave Akko a once over. “Nice. I’ve always had great taste.”

“Clearly,” Diana said dryly, eying her former fashion choices.

“It’s good to know I’ll have a girlfriend eventually,” Goth Diana continued. “Guys just won’t leave me alone. I had to punch out a viscount last week because he kept trying to talk to me, like he knows me. But nobody knows me. Not the real me.”

Diana rolled her eyes. “You did know him. That was Andrew Hanbridge. You’ve known him for years.”

“That’s beside the point. I can’t risk anyone thinking I’m straight. The ladies have to know that they have a chance to get with this,” Goth Diana said, emphatically poking herself in the chest, finger covering the “s” in “Evanescence.”

“Good luck with that,” Diana said, knowing full well she wouldn’t have any for years.

“You’re funny,” Akko said. “Would you like a tart?”

“Yeah,” Goth Diana said. “In more ways than one, if you catch me drift.” She winked suggestively.

Diana suddenly realized why she disliked Amanda so much: she reminded Diana too much of her twelve year-old self. At a particularly dark point in her life, Diana abandoned just about everything that her current friends would recognize her for, in particular her fashion and mode of speech. She eventually grew out of it and made Hannah and Barbara swear to keep it a secret until the day they died.

Goth Diana ate the tart Akko offered her with gusto. And then another. She would eventually learn the dark side of sweets: the scourge of teenage acne. Diana used to quite enjoy sweets until she hit puberty, then they were off the table except in the greatest of moderation. She was looking forward to eating Akko’s tarts however, and she was annoyed to see her rude, trashy-looking younger self eating the tarts that were made for her. The present her.

Diana put her head back on Akko’s lap and lapses in and out of consciousness as Akko played with her hair. After a while she blinked herself awake and tuned into the conversation.

“Evanescence is, like, so deep. I set my alarm clock to play ‘Bring Me to Life’ every morning. It’s all like ‘wake me up!’ and that’s when I wake up, so it’s, like, thematically cohesive, you know?”

“I get it,” Akko said without a trace of irony.

“Don’t humour her nonsense,” Diana said. “She’s just looking for attention.”

“You’re one to talk,” Akko joked.

Diana pinched her girlfriend’s thigh.

“Eek!” Akko leaned over and whispered so Goth Diana couldn’t hear. “That’s exactly why I’m giving her attention. The whole goth thing is a cry for help, right? You must’ve been really lonely at that time, huh?”

Diana grumbled an affirmative.

“See? I’m just want to make her happy. I want to make you happy. If attention is what she wants, attention is what I’ll give her. And I won’t skimp on you, either.”

Diana couldn’t argue with that logic. Reluctantly, she allowed the conversation between her girlfriend and her angsty, preteen self to continue. Goth Diana moaned and groaned about all the imagined problems in her life (and few valid ones, to be fair), and Akko was her captive audience. Diana and Akko held hands under the table.

Then, once again, there was a sudden flash of light, and the younger Diana was replaced with a Diana much closer to their age. Diana stood up to get a better look.

“Why is there another of me in my dorm room?” Other Diana asked. And then her face turned red. “And why is Akko in my dorm room?”

“Why is Akko more surprising than a second version of yourself?” Diana asked dubiously.

“Hey, Diana,” Akko said to other Diana. “Just out of curiosity, what was the last big thing to happen at Luna Nova?”

“The faeries went on strike and Professor Croix joined the faculty,” Other Diana answered. “You called me an an aristocrat and criticized me for having a big, fancy room.”

“Akko has since learned the benefits of a big, fancy room,” Diana said quietly.

“You really hurt my feelings when you said all those things,” Other Diana said.

“Oh shoot!” Akko said. “I never apologized for that did I? I’m sorry, Diana. I had no idea what you’d gone through. But now I do.”

Other Diana looked flustered. “But how?”

“It’s the summer after that,” Akko explained. “There was a time travel spell that went wrong. It’s a whole thing. Anyway, it’s a new school year, and Diana and I are dating now.” She threw an arm around Diana, pulled her in close, and pecked her on the cheek.

“My word!” Other Diana covered her mouth with her hand. “You mean, eventually we…” She squealed with joy.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Akko asked.

“I have no idea,” Diana said evasively.

“I’ve been pining for you for so long, Akko,” Other Diana said dreamily. “I thought you hated me, so I was afraid to express my feelings. You’re so amazing. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to actually be dating Akko!” She sighed happily.

“Gee, Diana, I never knew you had it that bad for me so early on,” Akko said smugly. “You never said anything about this.”

“Well, you see,” Diana said. “The thing you have to understand about that is—”

Diana cut herself off as her younger self stepped around the table and held Akko’s face between her hands.

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to know that Akko will be mine one day,” she said.

“Yes, but this day, she’s mine,” Diana snapped, claws coming out.

“Don’t be so stingy,” Other Diana said. “What’s our family motto? Be a good girl and let me show Akko a little ‘affection.’”

“You sure were frustrated back then, huh?” Akko said.

“Are you just going to let her make a move on you, Akko?” Diana asked.

“Well—”

“What’s the problem?” Other Diana asked. “This Akko is dating Diana Cavendish, right? So it’s okay.”

“But she’s dating this Diana Cavendish!” Diana clung to Akko’s side.

“You’ve already gotten tons of affection from her,” Other Diana said, clinging onto Akko’s other side. “Let me get my fill of her.”

“Akko!”

“Akko!”

And so Akko was stuck between a rock and a place, compelled to come up with a way to spoil both Dianas that they wouldn’t curse her into next week for suggesting. She ended up spending an hour with both Dianas sitting in her lap receiving head pats. Shortly before dinner, Hannah and Barbara returned to the dorm and froze at the sight of two Dianas.

“Do we even want to know?” Hannah asked.

“Not really,” Akko said.

“I think we’re better off not knowing,” Barbara agreed.

Silence for a few moments.

“So, Diana’s goth phase, huh?”

Hannah and Barbara burst into uncontrolled laughter.

The resulting shout of “AKKO!” in stereo almost popped her eardrums, but it was still worth it.

Chapter Text

Leave it to Akko to ask that they celebrate the first anniversary of their wedding by inviting their friends to a reunion. Diana was loathe to deny her wife anything it was in her power to grant, so she sent out invitations. Their former classmates had all gone their separate ways after graduating Luna Nova Academy, so it was nice to have them all together again.

Well, most of them.

“Be honest, Cavendish,” Amanda said, her grip on her glass of whisky not as tight as its grip on her. “Do you two ever do it when she’s got her costume on?”

“Do what, O’Neill?” In these situations, Diana had found the best solution was to feign ignorance.

“Y’know,” Amanda slurred. “Do ya shtup your girl when she’s got her magic show get-up on? I bet Akko is amazing in bed.”

To no one’s surprise, Akko had followed in her mentor’s footsteps and became a magical performer with much greater renown than Shiny Chariot (and a much better standing in the witch world, given her role in the rebirth of magic). She gave show-stopping performances every night.
Akko’s considerable skills in bed aside, she would never besmirch the sanctity of her performing costume. It was modelled after Shiny Chariot’s costume, but more conservative in terms of its neckline and whatnot, though it took full advantage of Akko’s lovely legs. The rest of her was reserved only for her wife’s eyes.

“Honey, I’m cutting you off from booze if you can’t keep the dirty stuff to yourself,” Hannah said sternly from her place on Amanda’s arm.

“C’mon, babe, I gotta say dirty things. It’s my brand.”

“You’re only supposed to say dirty things to me now,” Hannah said with a smile. “No buts.”

“Ha ha. You said butts.”

Hannah and Amanda had been dating for a year now and it was the most fortunate thing to happen to Amanda’s friends. Through means they could only guess at, Hannah was able to reign in her girlfriend’s more inappropriate behaviour. These days Amanda was a professional broom racer and a broom dancer on the side. Her reckless but impressive moves earned her many admirers, among whom Hannah was counted, needless to say. No one in their social circle could say for sure how the aspiring magic teacher had landed a world-class magical athlete, but they had their suspicions when they realized both women had disappeared during the reception of Akko and Diana’s wedding.

Diana wandered off, leaving Hannah and Amanda to their flirty lover’s spat. There was plenty of room for a stroll in the Cavendish Manor ballroom where they held the party. Ordinarily, the room would’ve been too large for the number of people invited, but it allowed Akko to give a minor performance for the guests’ benefit. At the moment Akko held court in the centre of the room, performing minor magical miracles for the amusement of Jasminka, Constanze, Sucy, Lotte, and Barbara. Though her performance was muted in deference to the enclosed space and smaller crowd, Akko’s spellwork was nonetheless breathtaking. It was astounding how much she had improved since she first arrived at Luna Nova, unable to so much as ride a broom.

Diana smiled and left Akko to entertain her captive audience. She perused the rest of the room and found… a rather uninvited guest.

Standing beside Ursula was none other than Croix Meridies, back from wherever she’d [redacted] off to. To think, after everything she’d done (particularly that which concerned Akko), here she was, bold as brass, flirting with Ursula over drinks.

Diana stalked over to the pair. Had she been anybody but Diana Cavendish, she might’ve slapped Croix’s drink out of her hand. Seeing as she was Diana Cavendish, she more restraint and poise to do that.

“What the [redacted] are you doing here?” she demanded.

It was Ursula who answered, flailing in distress at the inevitable conflict. “Croix discovered a cure to the Wagandea pollen a month ago and returned to give it to me. When I mentioned it to Akko, she told me to invite her to the party…” Ursula trailed off nervously.

Diana frowned. “She didn’t tell me she’d invited.... her…”

“Akko said you wouldn’t like it,” Ursula replied. “Akko has already forgiven Croix,” she added weakly.

Ursula wasn’t exactly in a position to question how easily Akko doled out forgiveness. Nor was Diana, come to think of it.

“I suppose if I evicted you, it would disturb the party,” Diana reasoned. “Not to mention it would bother Akko. My hands are tied, it seems.”

“She’s already got you whipped, huh?” Croix said with a laugh.

“Croix!” Ursula admonished. Croix fell silent immediately.

“She’s already got you whipped, huh?” Diana echoed. “That didn’t take long, did it?

“You think you’re so clever,” Croix said, rolling her eyes.

“I am so clever. I’m an accredited medical professional. Top of my field.” Perhaps a slight exaggeration, but the application of the Cavendishes’ catalogue of medical spells hadn’t failed her yet in her burgeoning career as a magic doctor.

Sensing further conflict and being allergic to it, Ursula made excuses to escape. “I’m going to see if Akko needs any, uh, advice about performance magic. You two catch up.” And she scurried away.

“So,” Croix began. “How’d this whole thing come about?”

“Well, you see, I sent out the invitations and people showed up.”

“Ha ha very funny. I meant, how did your relationship begin?”

“I first met Akko at the Luna Nova’s opening ceremony—”

“Not that far back!”

“Actually I suppose it would be more accurate to say it began at a Shiny Chariot show in Japan—”

“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?” Croix asked.

“It’s all you deserve,” Diana replied mildly.

“How’d you two end up together?” Croix asked. “I thought you two had some kinda rivalry thing going on.”

“It’s hard not to get attached to a person after saving the world with them,” Diana answered. “Come to think of it, perhaps I should be thanking you for instigating that.”

“You’re not gonna let that go, huh?”

Diana ignored her. “Akko and I became close friends and our mutual admiration developed into romantic feelings. When we got tired of dancing around our feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend.” This occurred to the relief of their friends, who were developing strains in their eye muscles from rolling their eyes so often at their antics.

“Naturally, our relationship continued after we graduated and we pursued our own careers. She moved in here and worked on her performances while I trained as a doctor and revolutionized magical medicine.”

“Awfully proud of yourself, huh?” Croix scoffed.

“I’m a woman of many achievements,” Diana said matter-of-factly. “The greatest of which is securing the heart of the most wonderful witch in the world.”

“This is just getting mushy,” Croix complained. It was all her fault however, seeing as she asked, unaware that Diana was always itching to brag to someone about her wife.

“Amazing Akko became so popular in such a short time, far beyond our wildest dreams. Her popularity even merited a performance in the East Mogiana Republic, her first of many international shows. It was then I decided that our relationship needed a greater level of commitment. I travelled to Mogiana with Akko and planned to propose to her after the show. She beat me by one minute.”

Akko had come to the same conclusion as Diana, but with less planning involved. Having achieved international success, she was worried that their relationship might fray under the strain of frequent travel and the resulting separation. High off the standing ovation given by the Mogianan crowd, Akko ran off the stage and into Diana’s arms. She blurted “Will you marry me?” with her face buried in Diana’s shoulder. The proposal was abrupt, adorable, and unabashedly Akko-like. She tucked the speech she prepared back into her pocket, substituting it with a simple “yes.”

“At this point you’re just bragging about your love life,” Croix said bitterly. No doubt the woman had missed out on romance in her search for a cure. Somehow, Diana didn’t feel sorry for her.

“You get what you ask for. And here I thought you were looking for tips you could use in your own love life.”

“I don’t need romantic advice from a kid!” Croix said, taking offence.

“Is that so?” Diana smirked. She raised her hand and angled it so the light caught the diamond on her wedding ring. “I don’t suppose you have one of these hidden away somewhere?”

“No need to rub it in.”

“Oh, I think there is,” Diana said. “I’m mocking you in order to spur you into to being serious about Ursula.”

“Ch-Chariot? What does she have to do with anything?”

Diana rolled her eyes. “You’ve got i as bad for her as I had it for Akko. Everyone knows.” The only person who doubted Croix’s blindingly obvious was Ursula herself, which only complemented the comparison.

“You make it sound so easy,” Croix sighed. “How am I supposed to start again after being away for so long?”

“If you were as smart as you think you are,” Diana said, “you would’ve given her an engagement ring along with that cure.”

“That wouldn’t have worked,” Croix said. “Wait, you’re saying she would’ve been okay with that?”

Diana nodded. “Call it a married woman’s intuition. Now if you’re quite done, I need to continue recounting the details of my glorious love life.”

“What’s next?” Croix asked sarcastically. “The bachelorette party?”

“I was going to skip that, but now that you’ve brought it up…”

“Ugh. Please spare me.”

Being exceptionally gay, neither Akko nor Diana had any interest in having a bachelorette party. However, Amanda O’Neill managed to convince them to hold a party of sorts before the wedding, claiming that she would need an opportunity to go wild before the more serious occasion, otherwise she’d be liable to go wild during the wedding. The result was an absolute fiasco. Diana had expressly forbidden the hiring of strippers, but didn’t see the loophole that allowed strippers as long as they weren’t being paid. Needless to say, Diana realized her mistake when a scantily clad Amanda popped out of the cake. It all went downhill from there, especially once the alcohol took effect. Diana had vague memories of competing with Akko to see who get get more kisses from the party guests. If she recalled correctly, she won, but would rather die than ask someone else to confirm. Some things were better left forgotten.

She certainly wasn’t going to mention any of it to Croix of all people.

“In that case, I’ll fast-forward to the wedding. I hope you’re taking notes,” Diana added.

“We held the ceremony on the estate, in the gardens. Akko’s family was there, as well as the members of my family I could tolerate. Naturally our friends were there. Andrew Hanbridge was also there for some reason. Akko was the most beautiful sight in her wedding dress. She was so excited she could hardly stay still during the ceremony. She was so nervous that she accidentally recited her vows in Japanese.” Diana chuckled at the memory. “She practically jumped into my arms when the minister said to kiss the bride.”

“You’re focusing on Akko a lot,” Croix noted.

“She was the important part,” Diana said. “If she hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have showed up.”

“Just out of curiosity, you were wearing a tux, weren’t you?” Croix asked.

“It was what Akko wanted,” Diana replied. “And it was amusing to subvert the expectations of those who assumed Lady Diana would be wearing the dress.”

“Of course you wouldn’t be,” Croix agreed. “Women like us have to dress in style.” Croix’s fashion choices hadn’t improved since they last saw each other. Today she wore an ostentatiously red tuxedo.

“Is that it’s original colour, or is it dyed in the blood of your enemies?”

“Oh, come on,” Croix groaned. “I’ve never killed anyone!”

Not for lack of trying, Diana thought.

“Your little plot endangered the lives of countless people,” Diana said sternly. “Your envy toward Ursula almost prevented magic from ever being restored to the world. But I suppose something good came from your lifelong grudge.”

“And what’s that?”

“Us,” Diana said, looking fondly at Akko. “The circumstances that led to our relationship, Akko’s suffering from the Dream Fuel Spirit, her succeeding Ursula as the wielder of the Shiny Rod and her subsequent search for the Words of Arcturus, our triumph against the Noir Missile. All of it enabled us to get to where we are now.”

“I’m sure you two would’ve gotten together without any of that,” Croix denied.

Diana shook her head. “I’m not sure about that. Akko changed a lot as a result of her quest for the Grand Triskelion. Had you not interfered with Chariot’s quest, that wouldn’t have happened to Akko. If Akko hadn’t been suffering from the effects of the Dream Fuel Spirit, would her drive to succeed have been the same without that struggle? Would Akko be the same without the confidence afforded by her role in the Noir Missile Crisis and the restoration of magic? I feel like mine and Akko’s fates were aligned by outside forces, and you had quite a hand in it, whether you realized it or not.”

“If it gets you not to be angry at me, I won’t argue,” Croix said hopefully.

“Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Diana said.

Croix pointed at Diana angrily. “Listen, kid, if you want my opinion—”

“Eek! What’s this villain doing here?”

Suddenly Akko was at Diana’s side, brandishing the elaborate staff that served as her performance wand.

“That’s my wife, you cad!” she shouted playfully while trying to hold in laughter, shooting a spray of harmless sparks at Croix.

“You two are ridiculous,” Croix said, waving away the sparks. “I can’t believe I missed either of you.” She went ignored by the couple.

“I’m glad I got here in time to protect you,” Akko said gallantly. “You’re not hurt, are you my lady?”

“Thank you, Akko dearest, for coming to my rescue,” Diana said, feigning breathlessness. “How did you know I was in danger?”

Akko gave her a toothy smile. “Call it a married woman’s intuition.”