Work Text:
It wasn’t until eighth grade that Simon realized there was something wrong about his soulmate mark. Or, maybe wrong with him. That was what troubled him. The name that had been resting along his bottom right rib wasn’t right. It wasn’t a name he wanted. Whoever she was, she wasn’t the person for him. The truth was, no girl was the right person for him. So why was her name written on his body?
The night of the Valentine’s Day dance in eighth grade one of his female classmates had walked up to him while he was hiding in the corner with Leah and Nick. She told him that her friend wanted to meet him outside the gym. Simon, being the innocent boy who believed everyone waited until they met their soulmate for their first kiss, followed. The resulting conversation, and unexpected kiss, with the girl outside the gym was something he never wanted to think about again.
At first he thought he didn’t like it because she wasn’t his soulmate. A few weeks later he realized it was more complicated than that. He’d known for a long time he didn’t want to kiss any girl who wasn’t his soulmate, but now he was realizing there were boys he might want to kiss.
The realization made him uncomfortable, and he spent several weeks trying not to think about it. Then of course Leah went through her Panic! at the Disco phase and made Simon listen to every song and watch every video that had Brendon Urie in it. There was a lot of awkward silence as he listened to Leah talk about all the ways she thought he was cute.
In a weird sense it made Simon think about the name resting on Leah’s shoulder, just above her shoulder blade. She never talked about it, but Simon saw it once. It was the summer between seventh and eighth grade, and Leah was wearing a tank top because it was too hot to breathe. Simon couldn’t help noticing that the name on her shoulder was a girl’s name.
“Leah, can I ask you something?” Simon asked as she paused one of the phone-recorded concert videos of Panic!
“You already asked me a question just now, but I’ll grant you another,” Leah told him with a light teasing tone.
“Your soulmate?” Simon asked, trailing off. He wasn’t sure how to phrase the question.
Leah frowned, looking away. “Her name’s Abby,” She mumbled.
Simon nodded. “But you have a crush on Brendon Urie?” He murmured.
Leah shrugged. “Plenty of people have crushes on other people before they meet their soulmate. Lots of people date before they meet their soulmate.” She answered, as if this was a question about a history class assignment instead of a question about love.
“Okay, but Abby’s a girl and Brendon’s a boy,” Simon murmured, feeling more and more confused.
Leah was quiet for a long time. “I guess I like both,” She whispered.
There was a word that floated around in the air but was never said.
Bisexual.
Simon didn’t blame her for not wanting to say that word. People were criticized for dating people they knew weren’t their soulmate, called all sorts of names Simon didn’t want to repeat.
Slut. Whore. Cheater.
He couldn’t imagine how people would treat you if they knew you liked multiple genders.
“You won’t tell anyone, right?” Leah asked. “That I like boys and girls?”
Simon nodded. “I promise I won’t. Your secret’s safe with me,” He whispered. The promise felt heavy on his chest, and Simon took it seriously. He sincerely held it in his heart for Leah, knowing he’d never tell anyone.
Leah nodded faintly.
Simon didn’t ask her for a long time how it felt, knowing you liked both boys and girls, but he began to wonder if that’s why he dreamed of kissing cute boys when his soulmate’s name was a girls name.
The summer after eighth grade Simon noticed something strange about his soul mark.
He was standing in Nick’s bathroom, half naked with his swimming trunks in his hand. He looked in the mirror for a moment, staring at the letters on his rib. They no longer looked black, but closer to a medium brown. The edges no longer looked crisp and smooth. The edges were smudged even if the handwriting was the same. That couldn’t be normal.
Handwriting changed all the time with soulmates, especially as kids got older and became more used to writing and eventually developed their own penmanship. Simon remembered that from second until forth grade his soulmate’s name had been written in tight, perfect cursive. Since fifth grade it had become straight and rigid without a hint of slant or mistake.
The color of the ink had never changed however. It had always been a clean, smooth black. Now it was faded and it worried Simon.
He decided to ask his mom about it later. Maybe she would know what was going on with his soulmate. Until then he decided to swim with his shirt on and joined Leah and Nick outside by the pool in Nick’s backyard.
When he came home his mom had an answer for him, but it wasn’t an answer Simon liked. Sometimes the writing faded when the soulmate was chronically ill or dying. She was very gentle with the way she said it, but Simon cried anyway. He didn’t know his soulmate, and he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be with her, but by no means did he ever want her to be sick.
The writing continued to fade. The medium brown became light, fading to beige on his skin until it was almost invisible. It made Simon sick and most of that summer he sat in bed, hiding. He looked on Facebook for her, but with so many sharing her name, he wasn’t sure who it was. Eventually he gave up, resorted to hiding alone in his room and checking every morning if his soulmate’s name was still there on his skin. There was a lot of crying too, not that he ever let people see that.
He sometimes wondered if this was his fault. If him liking boys was the reason she and him were no longer connected. That made him feel worse.
A few days before ninth grade he noticed something strange about his soul mark. It looked darker, a light brown instead of faded beige, but the writing was smudged and indecipherable. He stared at it for a long time, tracing his fingers over the handwriting, wondering what it meant.
Ninth grade started, and school kept him busy. He tried not to think about her as much, and he tried just as hard not to think about cute boys. Neither of those battles was fought with success and Simon thought about both a lot.
One day he was in the locker room. Gym was his first period and he got to school a little early because Alice wanted to meet up with some friends before class. He was changing alone when he noticed the writing on his bottom right rib was significantly more legible.
The thing was, it was a new name.
Not an entirely new name. The last name was the same, but the first name had changed.
It was a boy’s name. A distinctly masculine name that no girl would have. Simon stared at it in shock. That couldn’t be right. It didn’t make sense.
The door to the locker room opened and Simon shoved his gym shirt on quickly. He left the locker room and walked out to the field where he was supposed to meet for gym. His teacher was standing there, staring at a clip board. She looked at him, eyebrow raised because he was usually the last to class. Simon gave a weak smile and sat down on the grass, deciding to wait.
He thought about the name. Same last name, different first name, different gender. He didn’t get it. He sighed and curled up on himself.
The only theory he could come up with was that somehow he was now destined to fall in love with her brother, but the thought weirded him out and seemed unfair to everyone involved.
From then on he changed in the bathroom stalls, and he never walked around his house without a shirt on. His mom asked about his soul mark, if it had faded more or gotten stronger. Simon assured her that it was now a medium brown and getting neater in handwriting. He never mentioned anything about names changing.
Which was good, because the name on his skin changed a lot over the next six months. He’d seen five different boy’s names on his skin with the same last name, and it only confused Simon more. He started researching online, but he couldn’t find anything specific.
Sometimes soul names changed, usually because the person no longer liked their birth name and wished to change it. Those articles said absolutely nothing about gender changing too.
He didn’t know what to do.
One day he was on Tumblr looking at his feed, full of the usual Harry Potter posts and shit-posting jokes he loved. This time he found something different. A mutual had reblogged a story about soulmates.
When I was nineteen I realized I liked girls. Which was hard to accept because the name on my arm was a masculine name. It didn’t make sense to me for the longest time. Then, a few years later, my name started to fade. I was terrified. I spent two months fearing the worst, that they were dying. Then one day I woke up and realized the name had changed. Her name had changed. I didn’t meet her for another two years, but when I did she was more wonderful than I ever could have imagined my soulmate being.
I love my girlfriend. She’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I’m so lucky.
I write this with her permission, because our story is a great love story.
What I didn’t know then was that the reason the name on my arm was changing was because she was changing. She was accepting who she really was, and choosing to live her life the way she was meant to. She was assigned male at birth, but she identifies as a woman and that is who she is. She’s a wonderful human being, and every day I get to watch her become more herself. She’s changed the way I see the world, and only for the better. She’s kind and compassionate and funny and so loving. I never would have known happiness like this without her. Julia, I love you.
Simon read and reread the post several times over, each time with his hand pressed to his ribs, like he could feel his soulmate reading the post with him. Curious, he searched trans related tags on Tumblr, wondering if there were other stories like this.
There were.
Dozens of people who identified as trans talking about how surprised they were when they realized the name on their soulmate’s skin matched their real name, not their dead name. There were stories from their soulmates talking about the terror of seeing their soul marks change. He saw photos of soulmate names on skin with stories to go with them.
Simon found himself crying. The relief of knowing his soulmate was still the same person was unbelievable. All the stress of the last six months began to just fall off like chains being broken free. From what he read, life after transitioning was much better than life before, which meant his soulmate was happier. His soulmate was becoming who he was meant to be. The thought made Simon smile warmly.
Somewhere out there was a boy questioning his identity and fighting to become who he was meant to be. A boy out there with Simon’s name on his skin.
In a weird sense it also relieved Simon to know that there was nothing wrong with who he was. He wasn’t a terrible person who was attracted to guys when his soulmate was a girl, because his soulmate was never meant to be a girl. There was nothing wrong with Simon, and nothing wrong with his soulmate.
That didn’t change the fact that this all had to stay a secret. For both their stakes. The world wasn’t very accepting of LGBT people, and it could be a scary place. Simon hoped his soulmate was in a safe, accepting environment that loved him, that wanted him to be himself.
Simon continued to keep his soulmate’s name a secret. If anyone mentioned it he avoided the topic or kept terms as vague as possible. He avoided pronouns, even ‘they’ just in case someone got too suspicious, and often just referred to him as ‘my soulmate’ instead. His parents and sisters sometimes asked how his soulmate was doing after the six months of fear that he was dying. Simon happily assured everyone that the ink of his soulmate’s name was now a healthy dark color and no longer faded or smudged. He never showed anyone the name on his ribs.
Around the end of ninth grade Simon realized that his soulmate’s name hadn’t changed in almost six months.
Bram Greenfeld.
Simon guessed that the process of trying to find a name that felt right was a long one, but finally Bram had found his name.
Simon wore t-shirts all through that summer, even when swimming. He kept his and Bram’s secrets because even if he was fairly sure his friends and family would accept him, he wasn’t ready to come out, and he wasn’t sure how Bram would feel about that.
During the first few weeks of tenth grade he had an interesting conversation with one of Nick’s soccer friends.
Garrett Laughlin was sitting on the worn brown leather couch in Nick’s basement, eyes focused on the screen as he challenged Nick to a round of Mortal Kombat. Simon was scrolling Tumblr on his phone when he noticed the black wrist band around Garrett’s right wrist. It looked a little faded and it was fraying at the edges, making Simon wonder why Garrett wore it so much.
He didn’t ask until they were eating pizza later that night.
“Why do you wear that black wrist band so much? Is it lucky or something?” Simon asked.
Garrett looked up at Simon, surprised.
“Sorry,” Simon mumble around a mouthful of pizza. “I’m sometimes way too nosy.”
Garrett laughed and gave Simon a smile. “The wristband isn’t what’s lucky, it’s what’s underneath,” He explained.
He set his slice of pizza down and wiped the grease off his fingers before he carefully look off the wristband off.
Simon stared at the name for a long while.
Aidan Hadley.
Simon looked up at Garrett with wide eyes.
“You see, my soulmate’s actually gender fluid. Sometimes they identify as a boy, and sometimes they identify as a girl. For the last week and a half they’ve been feeling like a boy. When that happens their name is Aidan, and that’s what’s on my wrist. When they feel like a girl, the name on my wrist is Nadia.” Garrett explained.
“How long has it been like that?” Simon asked before he could stop himself.
“Well, until last year I only every saw one name, but it wasn’t either of those. Then I noticed their name kept changing, and I kind of freaked out, so I search on Facebook for them,” Garrett explained.
Simon looked away, biting his tongue. He’d done the exact same thing, but with no success. It was actually pretty common now for people to try and find their soulmates that way, especially if their soulmate had an unusual name. It didn’t always work, but if people were persistent enough to try, sometimes it did work.
“Did you find them?” Simon asked.
Garrett nodded. “Yeah, and I’ve been talking to them for about a year now.” He explains. “They’re actually coming out here for Thanksgiving. I’m really looking forward to it.”
“So why the wristband?” Nick asked.
Simon wanted to kick him.
Garrett shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t want anybody to know. It’s just that it’s personal, something between me and them. I don’t need people asking questions about my soulmate all the time. We deserve to have our privacy and to be with each other the way we want to be,” He explained.
Simon wondered if he’d ever related to someone so much.
“So, if sometimes you’re dating a girl, and sometimes you’re dating a boy, does that make you half-gay?” Nick joked.
Simon wanted to kick him again. And to also pray he never said that to Leah. He didn’t want to think about what kind of hell that would bring.
“I’m pansexual you dick,” Garrett replied. There wasn’t any heat or annoyance in his tone. It was playful, but firm.
“Are you happy?” Simon asked after a moment, uncertain.
Garrett looked down at his wrist, gently tracing his index finger over his soulmate’s name. “I am,” He whispered, this shy and content smile on his face. Simon didn’t doubt his words.
A month later when Garrett’s soulmate visited for Thanksgiving, Garrett actually invited Nick, Simon, and Leah over to his house.
“Guys, this is Nadia. She’s using she/her pronouns,” Garrett introduced.
Simon smiled at the girl standing next to Garrett, watching as she looped her arm around her boyfriends and smiled at them. She hugged all of them. Even Leah let Nadia hug her. Simon thought she was kind of adorable. She was sort of tiny, with hair that was slightly shorter than chin length. She was wearing a dark blue dress and a matching beanie, and Simon couldn’t help but notice the way Garrett carefully avoided knocking it off when he played with her hair.
They sat down outside in the cold November air sipping hot chocolate. Or tea. Nadia was very much a tea person, and had somehow converted Garrett into a tea person too.
“We met in person, for the first time, last summer. Garrett flew out to Washington to meet me,” Nadia told them, smiling widely behind her red tea mug.
Garrett smiled at her and leaned over to kiss her forehead. He looked to them with a wide grin. “Honestly the best summer of my life.”
Nadia giggled, shrinking into her chair before she leaned into Garrett.
They talked about how they’d first started talking almost a year ago.
“It’s really funny, because sometimes I’ll wake up feeling off and uncomfortable and I won’t know why. Then Garrett messages me saying ‘good morning Nadia’ and I suddenly know why I feel so different. Or it’s ‘good morning Aidan’ and I suddenly understand. It’s nice being with someone who always knows what name to call me,” She explained, smiling so widely Simon wondered if it hurt.
She wasn’t the only one, because Garrett wouldn’t stop smiling when she was in the room. He was a different person when she was around. Not because he was trying to be, but because his soulmate naturally brought out the best in him.
Garrett also insisted on showing them all the cute photos of his soulmate, ranging from ‘Nadia days’ to ‘Aidan days’ as they called them. Simon had to admit, they were kind of cute on their Aidan days. Obviously, objectively, they were always cute, but Aidan pictures were especially cute.
Simon saw the two of them once more that weekend before Nadia, still Nadia at the time, returned to Washington. Simon was kind of sorry to see her go, but grateful that he got to know both her and Garrett better. Garrett was flying out after Christmas to see his soulmate, and Simon knew both of them were counting down the days already.
It made Simon wonder about Bram. Where he was, how he was doing, and if he was happy. It made Simon wonder what their future life together would look like. Sometimes he spent entire days wondering about Bram, and the only thing that helped was looking through LGBT tags on Tumblr, reading stories about soulmates who were trans or non-binary and how they found each other, and asking Garrett how he and his soulmate were doing. He regularly debated trying to find Bram somehow, but soulmates were supposed to meet on their own, without intervention, even by oneself. And that’s what Simon wanted, to meet Bram when he was meant to meet him, so Simon waited.
Homeroom of eleventh grade was more interesting than Simon could have ever anticipated.
“Simon Spier?”
“Here,” Simon called.
“Abby Suso?”
“Here,” Abby replied.
Simon stayed completely still for a moment before making himself look over to the girl in the front row. It couldn’t be, could it?
She couldn’t be the same Abby Suso, whose name he’d seen written softly on Leah’s shoulder in clear black ink, could she?
Their teacher made everyone sit in alphabetical order, so Simon and Abby ended up all the way to the left side of the classroom, Simon right in front of Abby. During the morning announcements, Simon turned and looking at Abby.
“I’m Simon,” He introduced himself.
She smiled. “Abby,” She returned cheerfully.
Simon noticed the black lettering on Abby’s collar bone, partially hidden by the thick strap of her dress and her jean jacket. It didn’t hide the first three letters however.
Lea
In striking slanted print. Just like the way Leah wrote her name.
Simon didn’t know what to do.
“I’m new to this school. I moved from Washington D.C.” Abby explained.
Simon nodded, looking down for a moment. “Well, if you want I could show you around,” He offered.
Abby looked at him hesitantly. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?” She asked.
“Of course I wouldn’t mind,” Simon promised, smiling softly.
Never in his life did Simon think he was every going to play matchmaker for someone’s soulmate.
After homeroom ended, Simon walked with Abby to help her find her locker. Halfway there, he heard Leah and Nick calling his name. He turned around to see them look at him in confusion before looking at Abby.
“Hey guys,” He greeted as they walked up to him.
“Hey Simon, hey Simon’s friend,” Leah spoke, smirking as she looked between the two.
“Introductions,” Simon mumbled, nodding.
“They would be helpful,” Leah joked, smirking wider.
“Okay, Abby, these are my friends Nick Eisner and Leah Burke,” Simon started. He watched the way Abby’s eyes widened in shock and she stood rigidly still. “Guys, this is Abby Suso.”
Leah stared at her for a moment, looking dazed like someone hit her over the head.
“Leah,” Abby whispered, amazed.
Leah’s lips twitched and she pressed them together, eyes watering. “Abby?” She asked, voice high and breaking.
Simon had never seen Leah cry, but today her eyes were watering. She sniffled, ducked her head as she rubbed her eyes. Abby took a slow step closer to Leah, hesitant, and then another. Cautiously, she touched her hand to Leah’s shoulder and Leah jumped forward, pulling Abby into a tight hug. Simon looked down, trying to hide his smile. Nick watched in awe, his right hand holding onto his left elbow where his soulmates name rested. Simon almost cried with them, wondering when he’d get to meet Bram.
Abby and Leah weren’t at lunch with them. So it was Simon, Nick, Garrett, Anna, and Morgan. Anna and Morgan were pressing Simon for the details of Leah meeting her soulmate. Simon still couldn’t believe he’d watched his best friend meet her soulmate for the first time.
After school Leah and Abby hung out, taking time to get to know each other. By the end of the week they were dating, and Simon had never been happier for Leah. Abby was also a wonderful person to have around as it turned out. She was funny, sweet, caring, and very much adored Leah. Leah never stopped smiling when Abby was around. Of course him and Leah still spent quality best friend time together, but now it seemed his best friend pool was growing from two people to three, and Simon was very happy about that.
Three weeks into the semester Simon was sitting at lunch with his usual group of friends when Garrett walked up. Behind him followed a boy Simon had never seen before. Simon smiled, looking down at his plate as they walked up.
“Guys, I’d like to introduce you to Bram Greenfeld,” He announced.
Simon dropped his fork, barely registering the clanging sound. He looked up at Bram, who was half hiding behind Garrett. Bram, whose skin was the same soft brown color Simon remembered his soul mark being once. With short dark hair and round eyes. He was slightly taller than average height for a boy, but still shorter than Garrett.
“Guys, introduce yourselves,” Garrett reminded him. He nudged Bram a little closer to the table with an encouraging smile.
Simon didn’t listen as his friends introduced themselves. He focused on the way Bram’s brown eyes circled around everyone before landing on Simon, and staying there.
“Spier,” Garrett called.
Simon tore his eyes away from Bram and looked at Garrett.
“Your name?” Garrett prompted, smiling teasingly.
“Simon,” He answered, eyes quickly flickering back to Bram.
Flickering back just in time to see the look of shock on Bram’s face, and watch the way he took a step away from the table. Bram looked almost trapped, and he looked from Simon to Garrett and back to Simon. Simon didn’t think he’d ever seen someone so terrified in his life before.
“I’ve got to go, I don’t feel well,” Bram mumbled to Garrett, turning and walking away.
Simon watched him go, a sinking feeling in his chest.
That hadn’t gone the way Simon hoped it would. Simon had spent hours daydreaming of possible ways he would meet Bram, but Bram running away from him had definitely never crossed his mind.
Simon didn’t blame him though. In a weird sense, he understood. As hard as it was, Simon decided he’d let Bram take the time he needed to figure it out.
So he went through his usual day, and after school he went home and laid out on his bed. He thought of the cute boy in the cafeteria whose name was written on his rib with neat, clean handwriting. He wondered how he could make Bram feel more comfortable about this.
He wouldn’t admit that he cried a little, because that definitely wasn’t how Simon wished Bram would have reacted to meeting him. It hurt, Simon couldn’t ignore that. He’d spent so much time trying to understand and accept Bram so that he’d be comfortable when they met, that he never considered how Bram would accept him. It made his chest ache.
The next day Bram didn’t sit with them, and Garrett had speculated on why as they ate.
“I just, he was so eager to have a place to sit, being new and all, and then he just flipped out,” Garrett mumbled.
Simon stared down at his plate, looking at his uneaten French fries. He felt guilty that he’d chased Bram off. He wondered how he’d make it up to him.
Theatre let out a little early, so Simon was out in time to see Bram standing by the curb next to Garrett. He didn’t look happy, he looked uncomfortable, closed off. Simon hung off to the side on the grass by the theatre, wondering what he should do.
Garrett clapped his hand to Bram’s shoulder, nudging him slightly with a supportive smile. He shrugged and walked away, but Bram stood there, watching Garrett leave.
In a moment of faint courage, Simon made himself walk down the small hill to where Bram stood on the curb.
“Bram?” Simon spoke up.
Bram went still for a moment, before turning around slowly. “Yeah?” He asked. He looked and sounded scared, wary.
Simon chewed on his lip, not knowing what to say.
“I want to apologize,” He mentioned.
Bram looked at him like he’d lost it. “What could you possibly be apologizing for?” Bram asked, his voice deep and raspy.
“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable,” Simon told him softly, looking at Bram with sincerity.
“Simon,” Bram started, and then trailed off. He didn’t know what to say, what to do.
Simon did. “I’ve known your name was Bram since ninth grade,” Simon started.
Bram snapped his eyes back at Simon, stepping back. He looked a little sick, and more than scared, and Simon felt guilty.
“Eighth and ninth grade were confusing years, but they were more than worth it to get to meet you,” Simon added.
Bram nodded slowly, watching Simon.
“I just really want to get to know you. Is that okay?” Simon asked. He heard all the uncertainty in his voice, but he was sure that was nothing compared to Bram.
Bram took a step closer. “Okay,” He whispered slowly.
They went and got coffee together. Simon learned that Bram was from Savannah, that his parents were divorced and Bram was also half Jewish. Simon told Bram about his family and his friends and how they all came together.
They were in the car, driving down a long road during the cloudy late afternoon, daylight fading, when Bram asked Simon a question that had been driving him nuts for years.
“What did your soul mark look like before? Before I was Bram? Was it that name?” He asked, sounding afraid again.
Simon looked at Bram for a moment, and then pulled over onto the road. He stared at the steering wheel for a long moment.
“It was your dead name, for a long time actually, but it hasn’t been that name in years. And I’ve spent that last few years doing everything I can to just forget it,” He admitted.
Bram watched him for a long moment. “Does anyone know?” He asked.
“All my friends and family think it’s your dead name still. I never told anyone it changed because I wasn’t ready to come out as gay, and I didn’t know how you’d feel about that.” Simon explained softly.
Bram nodded slowly. “Were you disappointed?” Bram asked.
Simon looked at him in confusion. “Disappointed by what?” He asked, lost.
“That I was me?” Bram asked, sounding even more worried.
Simon laughed. “I’m relieved you’re you,” Simon admitted, smiling.
Bram nodded. “Was it confusing, when my name changed?” He asked.
“I, uh,” Simon trailed off. “It was actually confusing before that. I figured out I was gay before your name changed, and the idea that my soulmate wasn’t a guy became really distressing. I’d freak out about it randomly, and try so hard to forget I was gay.”
“Your name didn’t change right away. There was a long time before that when it was just fading. Getting lighter and lighter. I asked my mom and she, as kindly as she could, she told me it might mean you were dying. Then I was really upset, and I kept checking it every morning to make sure you were alive.”
Bram frowned, looking down.
“I’m sorry for that,” He whispered.
Simon frowned. Reaching over, he gently took Bram’s hand in his. He smiled softly as Bram dared to look up at him.
“Don’t apologize for needing time to figure yourself out. I’m happy it happened, I’m happy that you’re you,” He whispered to Bram.
Bram smiled softly, nodding. “What happened after it faded, what happened when it changed?”
Simon paused. “Right before ninth grade started it got darker again, but the handwriting was smudged and I couldn’t read any of the letters. Not far into the start of ninth grade I realized there was a completely new first name. A boy’s name. And it confused the fuck out of me. At first I was afraid I was now matched with your brother or something.”
Bram laughed, shaking his head. “I’m an only child, you’re safe.”
“Thank god, because regardless of how you identified I didn’t want a random new soulmate,” Simon exclaimed, laughing at the idea.
Bram smiled.
“So for another six or seven months I watched your name change a couple more times. It didn’t make sense to me, and I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to figure it out, but I came up with nothing.”
“Then one day I’m on Tumblr and I see this post about a girl whose soulmate was trans. The girl was like me, she was gay but her soul mark didn’t have a name that matched the gender she was attracted to, and it was pretty upsetting for her. When the name changed she was really confused and she didn’t know what it meant, but two years later she met her soulmate and it all made sense. Her soulmate was a trans girl and while she was transitioning her name changed, and it changed on the girl’s arm.”
Simon smiled, leaning his head back.
“I can’t describe how relieved I felt when it all made sense. I finally felt like everything was okay, and all I could think was that I was happy it was still you, just you changing.” Simon whispered.
He looked over at Bram who was watching him, his expression both thoughtful and amazed.
“Bram, even if I met you before you transitioned, I’d still care about you. I’d still want you in my life,” Simon whispered. “Having you here now is honestly all I’ve ever wanted.”
Bram smiled. “I’m happy it’s you,” He whispered. “When I met you yesterday I was so afraid.”
“Why?” Simon asked. He could guess, but he’d rather have Bram tell him and know for sure.
“I was afraid my name wasn’t right on you, or that you expected me to look like a girl, or you were disappointed it was me.” Bram explained.
“I’d never be disappointed,” Simon promised.
“And then,” Bram trailed off. “I had to move away from my old school because the bullying was so bad, so I decided I wouldn’t tell anyone I was trans while I was going here. I was just going to stay in stealth while I was in high school. But then you were there, and I realized either you would already know I was trans, or you would question me about it, and I wasn’t ready for that. Especially because I didn’t want this school to be like the last one.”
Simon nodded. “I understand,” He whispered. “Georgia isn’t the safest place to be gay or trans.”
“Or bi,” Simon added, thinking of Leah and Abby, who were both bisexual.
Bram smiled faintly. “Or black,” He added.
“Why are white and straight and cis the default?” Simon asked rhetorically.
Bram hummed, looking up. “I don’t know. I wish it wasn’t,” He whispered.
Simon nodded. “I want to ask you. What do you want this to be? Now and in the future? How do you want to do this?”
Bram looked at Simon for a long moment. “I want to kiss you right now,” He admitted.
Simon smiled and leaned in slowly. Bram met him halfway, their noses brushing together for a second before they kissed. The kiss was soft, slow, and when they pulled away both were smiling.
“I want to kiss you too,” Simon whispered, leaning back in.
They kissed again, longer this time, but still soft. Bram pulled away sooner than Simon would have liked, but when Simon saw that serious expression, he knew Bram had a good reason.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to be out as gay,” Bram whispered.
“Me neither,” Simon sighed, knowing that was the truth.
Bram nodded. “I think maybe we should make it look like we’re just friends for a while, until we figure it out, until we’re ready to come out. I mean, my parents know I’m gay obviously.”
Simon laughed. “Oh my god, they probably thought you were straight,” He muttered, trying not to laugh.
“Well, in their defense they also thought I was a girl, and they were very wrong on that front,” Bram pointed out, laughing with him. “When I came out as trans, they were actually pretty accepting. I think it took them a while, but not in a negative way. It took them a while to realize what it meant. They sort of accepted it at first without really thinking about it until I started asking them to change my name.”
Simon smiled.
“Then my mom started doing research and talked to me about what kind of transitions I wanted to do. They wanted me to be happy more than anything, and they were cool about it. It took them a while to realize I was also gay until I spelled it out for them. Your name, actually, I spelled it out for them, and then they realized-”
“Gay, gay,” Simon finished, enunciating the second word, grinning.
Bram laughed. He looked at Simon. “Your parents still think you’re straight?”
Simon nodded. “I still don’t know how to tell them.” He admitted.
Bram nodded, sighing. “We’ll figure it out, together.”
He held out his hand for Simon to take.
“Together,” Simon whispered, holding Bram’s hand tightly in his own.
The next few months Simon and Bram just got to know each other, mostly as friends. They were taking this slowly, figuring each other out. Bram realized he and Garrett were going to be fast friends. Then when Garrett started talking to Bram about his soulmate, Bram began to feel comfortable knowing that maybe he could tell Garrett he was trans, but he was going to wait a while still. Leah, Abby, and Nick quickly took to liking Bram.
Leah was the first to notice something was going on between Bram and Simon. At first she thought Simon just had a crush, and maybe he was bisexual like her and Abby.
“I get it if you like Bram, Simon. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, you know that,” Leah told him.
Simon huffed. “I’m not bisexual,” He mumbled.
She sighed, wrapping her arm around him. “You don’t have to label it then, but it’s still okay to have a crush on a boy,” She whispered.
Simon smiled, but the conversation still frustrated him a little. “I have a label Leah, but it’s not bisexual, and it’s definitely not straight,” He told her.
Leah looked at him for a long moment. “You’re gay?” She guessed.
Simon nodded.
She smiled. “Thank you for telling me,” She whispered.
Simon smiled back and they settled back down on Simon’s bed. There was about two minutes of peaceful quiet before Leah spoke up again.
“But, what about your soulmate?” Leah asked.
Simon shook his head. “I was never meant to be with a girl,” He told her.
“Okay,” Leah replied, accepting that. If Simon didn’t want to be with his soulmate, if he felt they weren’t right together, Leah wasn’t going to argue. Simon knew Simon best.
“Does Bram like you back?” She asked him.
Simon hesitated. “Undisclosed,” He mumbled.
She hummed. “Well, he’d be an idiot not to like you back,” She told him firmly.
They shared a smile.
On Thanksgiving, when Alice was back from college, Simon decided he couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to tell them. He texted Bram.
Simon: I want to tell them. I think I’m finally ready to tell them I’m gay.
Bram: Do you want to tell them about my name too?
Simon: Only if you want that
Bram: But do you want to?
Simon: …Maybe?
Simon: I feel like that’s unavoidable. They’re going to bring it up, what gender they think my soulmate is. But it’s still your choice if they know.
Bram: Tell them then.
Bram: If you think it’s right, tell them. I’m right here waiting if you want me there.
Simon sat in the kitchen, staring at his phone. In the living room Simon could hear commercials playing as his family waited for The Bachelor to start. Taking a deep breath, Simon carefully placed his phone in his pocket, and reminded himself that he had Bram. With Bram, he felt ready to do this. He walked into the living room and asked them to mute the show for a moment. Emily turned the TV off entirely, her attention solely on him.
“I have something I want to tell you all,” Simon announced, standing uncomfortably next to the TV.
The eyes of his family staring at him made him freeze.
“Oh, this sounds big. Let me guess, you finally met her, your soulmate,” Jack guessed, grinning. “How’d you meet the lucky girl?”
Simon stared at him for a moment. “Boy,” He answered.
They sat there in silence, confused.
“Boy,” Simon repeated. “I’m gay.”
There was a long silence. Emily stood up, slowly approaching Simon.
“Honey, is this about what happened in eighth grade?” She asked hesitantly. “Did something happen to her?”
“Him,” Simon answered. “My soulmate’s a boy.”
She only looked more concerned and turned to look at her husband. Alice and Nora both sat still, looking between each other and then back at Simon. Both of them clearly remembered the nights they heard Simon crying alone in his room a few years ago, worrying that his soulmate was dying.
“Honey,” Emily started, scared for him.
“My soulmate is okay, they’re healthy, they’re also a boy.” Simon explained. “I’ve known that since ninth grade.”
They only look more confused.
“I don’t understand,” Emily admitted.
Chewing on his lip, Simon pinched the hem of his shirt at the edges. Carefully, thoughtfully, they lifted his shirt to show them the name printed on his chest.
Bram Greenfeld.
Emily stared at it in confusion. “I thought her name was-“
“His,” Simon corrected. “His name’s Bram, and that’s the only name I’m ever going to call him by. That’s the only name you should call him by.”
Emily looked at him.
“Is your soulmate trans?” Alice guessed.
Simon looked at her and nodded slowly. “He is. The summer after eighth grade was when he realized he identified as male, and that’s when he started to accept it. The name was fading because he was changing and figuring himself out. Once he figured his name out, it came back. It’s been that way for the last two years.”
There was a long silence.
“When can I meet the lucky boy,” Jack slowly asked, feeling unsure still.
“Maybe soon, it depends on when he’s ready,” Simon explained.
“Your gay, your soulmates a boy and trans, and that’s it?” Alice summarized.
Simon nodded.
“Are you okay with that?” Emily asked, looking near tears. Simon hoped she was going to happy cry, he didn’t know what he’d do if it was the other kind.
“I’m very happy, we’re happy together,” Simon answered.
Emily pulled him into a hug. Simon felt her shake in his arms as she cried, telling him how much she loved him and how all she ever wanted for Simon was for him to be happy. When she finally let go of Simon, Alice and Nora pulled him into hugs.
“I love you bub,” Alice whispered. “And he’s one lucky dude.”
“Thanks,” Simon whispered back, hugging her tightly. “I love you too.”
Jack slowly approached Simon, looking lost. “I love you kid,” He told Simon, hand on his shoulder.
“I love you too Dad,” Simon whispered.
Thanksgiving was a good weekend for Simon.
Bram also got to meet Garrett’s soulmate on Thanksgiving that year, who was very Aidan at the time. It was the weekend Bram told Garrett, and Aidan too, that he was trans. Garrett hugged him. Aidan shared coming out stories and passing stories with Bram. It was a good night for Bram as well, and Simon was smiling the entire time Bram told him about it.
A few weeks later, right before Christmas break, the six of them were on a small road trip in Nick’s mom’s minivan to some special diner in Athens that Nick had always wanted to go back to. They were singing to Panic! at the Disco’s song Death of a Bachelor. Simon was singing, watching Bram laugh as he watched his friends be ridiculous, and Simon felt the intense desire to kiss Bram. Bram must have felt it too, because he looked over at Simon and smiled. They leaned in together, hesitating to check that both were okay with coming out. With a careful nod, Bram kissed Simon in front of his friends.
Garrett whooped, clapping at them. Leah and Abby cheered before leaning over and kissing each other.
“I’d like to remind you that this is my mom’s car. Keep your fluids off the car,” Nick joked, voice cutting over the Panic! song.
Leah flipped him off, but everyone knew there was nothing but playful teasing between her and Nick.
“Simon, Bram, I’m happy for you guys,” Nick announced.
Simon and Bram smiled and looked back at each other, intertwining their fingers together and leaning in for another soft kiss.
They were happy and their friends were happy for them.
Nick and Leah didn’t bring up Simon’s soul mark for a long time.
They were hanging out at Nick’s house, sitting in the basement sipping beers Garrett had come by with questionable means, talking about dating. Nick was lamenting that it felt weird to be the only one in the group who wasn’t in a relationship. It didn’t help that Garrett was texting Nadia at that moment and Simon and Bram were holding hands on the couch.
“I just, I want to find my soulmate!” Nick complained, slumping against the chair in frustration.
“Well, maybe it will be soon,” Abby suggested, trying to cheer him up.
“Or maybe I’ll be old and grey first,” Nick argued.
“You could try dating someone else in the meantime,” Garrett suggested.
“Oh, like Simon and Bram? I can just cheat on my soulmate with some other girl?” Nick argued, looking angry, frustrated, and tired.
The silence that followed was dangerously tense. The room felt like it was wired to explode if someone said the wrong thing.
“Bram and I aren’t cheating on our soulmates,” Simon cut in, angry.
“Simon, your soulmate is a girl. I get that maybe you’re bi and you want to be with guys, but-“
“My soulmate isn’t a girl,” Simon cut in, louder this time.
Nick and Leah looked at him in confusion. They were the only ones, apart from his family, who had ever seen his soul mark, and that had been before it changed.
“I’m his soulmate,” Bram added. He squeezed Simon’s hand, looking at him with a determined smile.
Nick was quiet for a moment but Leah looked at Simon and smiled.
“Okay,” She accepted.
Simon wondered if she really understood what Bram meant, but either way her acceptance of it meant the world.
Nick was quiet for a long time. He looked at Simon. “Is that true?” He asked softly.
Simon stood and lifted his shirt for Nick.
“Bram Greenfeld is my soulmate,” Simon answered.
Nick nodded. “I’m sorry Simon, Bram. I’m so, so sorry,” He whispered. “I didn’t actually mean what I said, it was still wrong though. I never should have said that.”
Simon nodded.
There was a long silence.
“Until just now I couldn’t remember your soulmates last name,” Leah mumbled, lost in thought.
“Maybe forget the other half of that name instead,” Simon commented lowly.
Leah nodded, turning her attention to Bram as she smiled. “Okay,” She agreed.
“I’m trans,” Bram added. “In case that clarifies things for anyone regarding Simon’s soul mark. Yeah, definitely forget that old name. It’s just Bram Greenfeld from now on.”
Simon chuckled. “Abraham,” Simon whispered so low only Bram could hear.
Bram laughed.
Bram’s dad had been very on board with Bram changing his name and had dug out from the attic the old book his parents used when his mom was pregnant with Bram. Bram didn’t have the heart to tell him that the internet was full of baby name websites, so they spent a few hours one afternoon flipping through the book. No success, so Bram focused on websites with baby names. Around name number five, all of which Bram had found online, he still didn’t feel connected to his new name, and went back to the drawing board. The drawing board just happened to be that old book of Jewish names his dad had given him.
He’d settled on Abraham, and Bram for short. Bram would never forget the happy smile his father wore when he announced his name.
“I’m so happy for you guys!” Abby exclaimed, running up and hugging them.
Leah got up and joined them, and before they knew it, they were in the middle of a group hug.
A few nights later, Bram and Simon were alone in Simon’s house. His parents were out for dinner, and Nora was at her band’s practice.
Simon and Bram were resting on Simon’s bed, curled up together.
“Will you ever show me?” Simon asked.
Simon had never seen his name on Bram’s skin. The reason for that was because Bram’s soul mark was on his breastbone, and always hidden by his binder, or by a plain shirt if Bram had taken his binder off for a while. Bram had never been comfortable with Simon seeing his naked chest, so anything they did always involved Bram wearing a shirt, even if he was wearing nothing else. It actually didn’t stop at just Simon seeing it. Bram didn’t want to see himself without a shirt and a binder on. Any moment without a shirt made him incredibly uncomfortable, so whenever possible, he wore something to cover it.
Simon respected that boundary, intensely and whole-heartedly. He never wanted to cross a boundary with Bram, and never pushed.
Some nights he still wondered what his name on Bram’s skin looked like. It was impossible not to wonder. He wanted to see the placement, how small or big the letters were, how dark the ink was. Simon knew what his name looked like when he wrote it down on paper, but he wanted to know what it looked like on his soulmate’s body, and the two were very separate things.
“One day,” Bram whispered, curling into Simon.
Top surgery was something Bram talked about quite a bit when it was just them. He was eighteen now, and he was planning. It still seemed like something way off in the future for him. Simon figured only then would Bram ever feel comfortable without a shirt on. He’d wait a lifetime if he had to.
Until then Simon kissed his boyfriend and curled into him.
One day Simon and Bram were dozing peacefully on Bram’s bed in his dorm at Colombia. Simon was over for the weekend, enjoying some peace before the real craze of the fall semester began. Simon woke slowly, his hand resting on Bram’s torso, just under his ribs. Sleepily, Simon traced his fingers along the skin under Bram’s ribs, remembering afternoons when his hands wouldn’t dare stray that far up, remembering days when the skin above was covered by Bram’s binder.
Today, in the early October afternoon, the sun brushing through Bram’s dorm window, Simon traced his fingers over Bram’s dark pink surgical scars. Not quite mirrored, but near identical. He brushed his fingers against the name in the center of Bram’s chest, written vertically in soft, messy scrawl.
Simon Spier.
Before Bram got top surgery, Simon had seen his name only a few times. Now he saw it all the time, and he’d never known how wonderful it felt to know he could just look at his name on Bram’s skin, without Bram feeling uncomfortable.
Simon pressed a soft kiss to Bram’s collar bone, closing his eyes sleepily, fingers still lingering over Bram’s soul mark.
He thought of that story on Tumblr seven years ago. He remembered the kind of hope and comfort it had given him in that moment, when he was just a scared ninth grader who didn’t understand what was happening to his soulmate or why he loved boys instead of girls. He remembered the hours he spent late at night wondering how his soulmate was, wondering if he was safe and happy and getting to come out and transition in the way that was right for him. He thought of the nights after he’d met Bram, when he’d stay up late and think of Bram and how thankful he was to the universe for giving him someone so wonderful and kind. He thought of all the wonderful moments he was going to have with Bram in the future.
Everyone deserved a great love story, and Simon and Bram were living their love story.