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Kostya’s brows are turned down in a serious frown, his eyes fixed on the horizon as the boat glides steadily through the water. His right arm is hung lazily over the railing, a half-smoked cigarette balancing between his fingers. He seems to be lost in his own world, the cigarette slowly burning away without him ever lifting it to his tightly pulled lips.
His fingers are tapping a fast rhythm on his bouncing knee, the restlessness in his body very evident. You carefully place your hand over his in an attempt to soothe him, but as soon as your skin touches his he promptly withdraws his hand, his head snapping around to face you.
“Don’t touch me!” he bites, his eyes filled with flames. Your breath catches in your throat as you withdraw your own hand, grasping it with your other and resting them against your chest. You don’t understand what is going on. Usually this gesture would have made him exhale deeply and maybe allow you to hold him in your arms, not snarl at you as though you’d just insulted him gravely.
You just stare back into his piercing gaze, trying to soften your own to maybe calm him down a bit. For a split second you see it, the shift in his eyes that tells you that he sees you, hears you, that you have tuned into that connection that you share, that is your private little world where there’s only the two of you. But this moment disappears as quickly as it as it started and Kostya has turned his eyes back to the ocean, his hand away from you.
“Kostya…” you try, your voice calm and filled with love. “Kostya, speak to me. What is wrong?” You see his eyes shift down, but quickly finding their way back to the ocean, the frown returned to his brow.
“Just go away,” he mutters, his voice flat.
“Kostya, I-“
“Just go away!” he barks as he throws the burned down cigarette into the waves with exaggerated force, the muscles in his jaw clenching.
You stop for a moment, taken aback at his sudden hostility. “Okay. I will let you be alone with the ocean for a bit,” you sigh, failing to hide the hurt in your voice, as you stand up to walk away.
You turn around to make your way to the other side of the boat when you feel a hand wrapping around your wrist. “Wait…” The whisper escaping his lips is almost inaudible. “I didn’t…”
You slowly sit back down besides Kostya, his face is turned down towards the deck, his black locks falling down over his forehead and hiding his eyes. His grip on your wrist is tight but you don’t dare to move your arm, the situation feeling so fragile, like one wrong move might turn a spark into an ocean of flames.
He moves his other hand to cover his mouth, small drops of water hitting the deck below his face. You gently move your free hand to rest on his knee, letting your thumb run soothingly over the skin exposed through the rips in his jeans. You can feel his grip on your wrist ease, as he exhales deeply, his whole body seemingly starting to relax.
“It’s okay,” you whisper, giving his knee a small squeeze.
“No, it’s not,” he mutter into the palm of his hand, “but it will be.” He turns his face towards you, his eyes red and cheeks stained by the tears silently spilling over them. “As long as you are here.”