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Dahyun didn’t know what had gotten into her.
For the most part, the girls had about wrapped up their separate nightly routines back in the dorm. The entire day had been one promotion filled, exhausting emotional ride, and overall they were simply spent from the occasion. However, Dahyun in particular couldn’t seem to get ahold of herself. A thousand days was a lot of things. Ninety-five days short of three years, for one. Secondly and most importantly, it was thousands of hours spent with eight other girls constantly at her side, teaching her, encouraging her, caring for her in ways she never imagined being cared for. It was overwhelming to think about on any normal day, let alone their thousandth; yet for some reason, in that moment, she chose to dwell on it.
Vulnerability was definitely not one of Dahyun’s strongest areas, and she knew it. Her feelings always seemed to get trapped in her chest whenever she even pondered speaking them aloud. She hated the way they felt sitting there, crowded and cramped in that space beneath her ribcage. In her usual goofing off, it was a little too easy to get lost, pushing down anything in favor of cracking a joke and making someone else laugh. It was what everyone tended to expect from her. The other girls knew when something was upsetting her, but they never really pushed her if she didn’t seem like she wanted to talk about it, as they also knew that Dahyun couldn’t keep anything locked inside forever.
Angels.
They were angels.
She thought her members deserved better from her, always so present and so kind. It seemed like they had all seen each other at their lowest, and yet there was still so much genuine love among the nine girls. What had she ever done to truly thank them?
She reminded herself to give them all big hugs in the morning.
Even with their help, there was so much she had yet to overcome, things inside of her that still terrified her to admit. Dahyun knew she wasn’t alone, she knew she was safe, she knew she was loved, she knew so much, but she had never known how to demolish the walls built so close to her heart: especially when it came to matters concerning that very same thing.
But she was learning.
Her heart was learning.
The reason for the thudding in her chest reminded her of this fact as she sidled up next to her, sliding an arm around her waist innocently. Dahyun faced the window of the bedroom, a few inches away from the glass as she looked out, lights from outside reflecting in her round glasses. A chin came to rest on her shoulder, and Dahyun brought her hand up to brush against the soft skin of the older girl’s cheek.
“It’s late,” Sana’s voice was soft and sweet as she whispered, breath tickling the other girl’s ear. “I thought you would be in bed by the time I got in here.”
“I’m just thinking,” Dahyun hummed, still gazing outward. She hadn’t even heard her come in.
The older girl nodded, “Big day, yeah?”
“Mhm.” She felt Sana gently squeeze her side, and she smiled faintly.
Sana hesitated for a few moments, letting silence envelop them as they stood. “What’s on your mind?” she finally asked, uncertainty lacing her tone. Sana never wanted to pry, but with Dahyun’s unfocused eyes, she knew the other girl’s mind might be close to dangerous territory. Her indicators were subtle, but it was nothing that Sana couldn’t read.
Dahyun returned from the brink her distracted thoughts wandered to at the other girl’s question. It was simple, but Sana was worried about her; Sana knew what was troubling her without Dahyun ever even needing to say it out loud. “You have a habit of knowing me too well.”
“You have a habit of getting a little too lost up there,” Dahyun felt a couple gentle taps to the top of her head.
The younger girl turned her head slightly to meet Sana’s concerned gaze. Concerned, but full of affection nonetheless. “I’m working on it. Promise.”
“Oh Dahyunnie,” Sana whispered, shaking her head and bringing the other girl’s knuckles to her lips softly, “I know you are.”
Dahyun felt a pricking in her irises, and she wasn’t sure whether it was the emotion of the day finally catching up to her or her own internalized feelings deciding to betray her and bubble over. She blinked quickly, looking away for a moment and adjusting the glasses on her nose. If Sana noticed, she didn’t say anything, just kept running her thumb across the backs of Dahyun’s fingers still in her own.
There was never a moment between them that didn’t send Dahyun reeling from the tenderness of it, the way Sana handled her. The way Sana handled everyone around her. She always chose to be a light. Whether she was in deep discussion with a fan or comforting one of the girls, it seemed she willingly took every burden presented to her, carrying it simply so someone else didn’t have to.
She had been carrying Dahyun’s for the past one thousand days.
The younger girl couldn’t quite remember when it started meaning more to her -- the subtle touches, the soft kisses, the prolonged eye contact, the confessions. All she could remember was that Sana had been waiting far too long for her to catch on by that point. And still, she never pushed her. Never asked for more than she was willing to give. Always patient beyond their usual affectionate banter.
(Dahyun remembered the night she first kissed her, the courage it took for her to finally close the distance, the way it felt inevitable, and how she had tasted the salt of the tear rolling down Sana’s cheek. Selfless even in love.)
Love.
Sometimes she wished Sana would be a little more selfish, because Dahyun knew that word had been festering in her own chest for a long while now. Of course she had said it. She had said it to all the girls, but never in the same context with which the feeling prodded at her.
Petrified her.
“Come back to me.” The hands that moved to grip her waist anchored her back down with a soft giggle, Sana sliding between Dahyun and the window and leaning back against it.
Dahyun’s gaze finally focused again, locked with stars twinkling in Sana’s. She opened her mouth slightly, half hoping some coherent string of words would form themselves. One half of Sana’s mouth turned up in a small smile. She stuck her hands into the pockets of the oversized jacket Dahyun was still wearing backwards. “You’re safe, you know. It’s just me.”
It’s just Sana, you’re safe, her brain echoed.
And it was a very fair point, because there was absolutely no person who made her feel more secure.
So why was she so fucking afraid?
The younger girl’s face fell into a frustrated little pout as she sighed and let her head fall forward into the crook of Sana’s neck. Immediately, there was a hand behind her head, delicately scratching her scalp while the other braced the small of her back, pulling her forward and encouraging Dahyun to lean on her completely. Sana always smelled like flowers, and Dahyun appreciated this more when nuzzled further into the black fabric of Sana’s t-shirt.
When Dahyun spoke, it came out as more of a jumbled mess of sounds than anything else, her words very muffled against Sana’s skin. The older girl gave a laugh, “Sorry, I’m going to need you to repeat that.”
Dahyun laughed too, suddenly a little more at ease, and adjusted the angle of her head so that her words could be made out. With another small sigh, she tried again, “I just don’t know how I deserve this. At all. Like, any of it.”
“Is that what’s bothering you so much? Not deserving?”
The younger girl pondered the question for a moment, because no it wasn’t all she thought was immediately troubling her, but when she remembered whose arms she was wrapped in, it occurred to her that everything might stem from exactly that.
“...I guess so.”
Sana held her a little tighter then, cheek pressed against Dahyun’s temple. She inhaled again before she spoke, “I don’t think it’s ever been about deserving, Dahyunnie.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Dahyun felt a brief press of lips to her hair, “that it’s hard to say anyone could deserve having what we have. We were chosen for it, our job, this life, and from then on it’s more about working hard and giving it our all, I guess. They choose to support us, to love us, so I think all we can do is make sure that love is well-placed.”
She knew Sana was right. (She was hardly ever wrong.) At times it seemed like the girl could make anything make perfect sense.
Dahyun’s heart rate quickened as she shifted back, standing on her own two feet and looking into Sana’s eyes again. The older girl was waiting in the shared silence, because there was a single question Dahyun realized had kept her awake that night, staring out that window. The hands placed on Sana’s waist fidgeted with her shirt in an attempt at distracting themselves, and Dahyun moved her gaze towards the floor.
Just say it.
“W-What if they’re making a mistake,” Dahyun gulped, eyes making contact with Sana’s for a fraction of a second before averting them again, “loving me?”
Please understand.
Quiet settled over them once more, and she wished she could drown out the sound of her heartbeat drumming in her ears.
You shouldn’t have said anything. She’s going to realize you’re right, and it’ll be your fau-
There was a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze, bringing her back from the clouds again. Sana was unblinking, somehow still firm in the softness of her stare.
You’re not getting away this time, Dahyun.
An arm folded around the back of her neck, drawing her in closer until Sana’s forehead gently collided with hers. Fingertips ghosted the shell of her ear and Dahyun suppressed a shiver, but she didn’t pull away. The lights in Sana’s eyes were brighter than the city outside their room.
“You don’t have to believe anything I say ever again if you don’t want to, but,” Sana’s voice was a whisper, only for Dahyun’s ears, “please believe me when I say that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and loving you never has and never will be one of them.”
And for the walls around her heart, Sana’s words were the wrecking ball.
Their lips slotted together slowly when Dahyun pushed forward, and this time the tears were all her own, spilling in the aftermath of the dam the older girl had broken. She felt a smile grow against her lips as Sana broke contact to kiss the trails making their way down her cheeks, swiping delicately at them with her thumb. Dahyun moved to hold the hand next to her face, chasing Sana’s lips for a few more chaste kisses before pulling back, forehead still resting on hers. “I’m sorry I-”
“Why on Earth are you apolo-”
“I love you, Sana.” Dahyun breathed, squeezing Sana’s hand if not to do anything but encourage herself. “I’m in love with you, and I’m sorry for being afraid.”
A speechless Sana was a rare sight, but she was suddenly dumbfounded.
Yeah, maybe the two hadn’t been so different from each other after all.
After a few moments, a smile overtook the Japanese girl’s expression as she launched herself at Dahyun, the shorter girl’s arms encircling her waist as she stumbled backwards. Dahyun felt kisses peppering her cheeks and forehead between many repeated sequences of “iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou", and she laughed as she sat down on the edge of what had become their bed. (The one in the far corner hadn’t been used for months now.)
“Sorry,” Dahyun looked at Sana standing over her, grinning with happy tears still gleaming in her eyes, “I’m gonna need you to repeat that.”
Sana giggled as she leant down to kiss her again, another confession mumbled against her lips, and Dahyun reciprocated happily. Loving this girl was the easiest thing she had ever done, and telling her was the hardest.
She knew she had well over a thousand more days left to make it up to her.