Chapter Text
At 8 a.m on the 10th of March of his seventh year at Hogwarts, Sirius’ pillow started vibrating. He quickly sat up on his bed, confused as to why his pillow was acting so strangely. Then he remembered what day it was.
He reached under the pillow and retrieved his wand, shaking it to stop the vibration. He never used that spell to wake up in the mornings because it was usually Moony who woke up all of them, but today he wanted it to be the other way around.
Trying not to make any noise (Remus was a light sleeper), he stood up and tiptoed to Moony’s bed. He opened the bed curtains as slowly as he could.
Remus was lying on his back, the soft rays of the morning sun painting his hair gold, and his chest rising and falling at a calming pace. Sirius found himself staring at Remus’ neck and the long scar that went all the way up to his left ear. He stared at it quite a lot, if he was honest with himself. In some twisted way, there was something that simply fascinated him about his friend’s scars, although Sirius would never admit that outloud; it would sound as if he wouldn’t give everything in his power not to see one more scar appear in Remus’ skin.
He was brought back to reality when Remus raised a hand to his face to protect his eyes from the light streaming through the window. Sirius smiled, and before the other boy woke up completely, he transformed into Padfoot as he launched himself at the bed.
“Sirius!” exclaimed Remus, already laughing as the big black dog jumped excitedly on the bed. He grunted when Padfood let himself fall on top of his chest. “Merlin, Pads, you’re not a fucking puppy”
In response, Pads started licking Remus’ face. The boy squeaked, laughing and trying to push the dog away. But he wasn’t really trying, even the dog could perceive that.
You see, being an animagus was weird as shit. When Sirius transformed into Padfoot, it was not only his body that changed. Suddenly, he had incredibly sharp senses of hearing and smelling, although he could not see colours. His thoughts, too, altered; they were simpler, narrower. Worries that he did not even realised he had were suddenly gone, and things like time, space and reason lost all its meaning. The only thing left were very strong feelings, familiar names and faces, and uncomplicated thoughts.
Right now, for instance, Padfoot’s world was reduced to the boy below him. He had one mission and it was to make Moony happy. He jumped and barked and kissed, and was rewarded with patting and smiling and kissing.
The dog didn’t have memories, he didn’t remember who Remus was, only that he was a friend. He could recognize his friends not by their blurry black-and-white faces, but by the way they smelt.
Padfoot buried his nose in Remus’ side. Far away in a small corner of his brain, Sirius provided the animal with the words:
Paper
Ink
Books
Wolf
Earth
Chocolate
Sex
At that, the little piece of Sirius in the dog’s head pushed to the surface so strongly that Padfoot began to transform back. Sirius calmed down, though, and transmitted his interest in the last smell so that the dog would keep investigating.
“Pads?” asked the boy, frowning at him. “Are you alright?”
Padfoot barked in response, and buried his nose in Remus’ neck.
“Oh wait, that tickles!”
The dog sniffed. Sex, sweat, vanilla. Vanilla?
“Sirius, stop humping the birthday boy, please,” said another voice to his side.
Sirius pushed to the surface completely and felt himself turn human. Two seconds later, he found himself sprawled across the bed and on top of Remus, who was trying to clean the dog saliva from his face with the cuff of his pajama shirt.
“You’re just jealous I got to kiss him first,” said Sirius to James. He turned and planted a loud kiss on Moony’s cheek. “Happy birthday, Moonbeam”
“Yeah, happy birthday,” echoed James, ruffling his hair.
“Thanks”
“Where were you last night?” blurted out Sirius. Remus hesitated for a second, and Sirius saw a light blush paint his cheeks.
“In the library, as usual,” replied the boy. He squirmed below Sirius and sat up on the bed. “Why?”
Sirius felt something twist in his chest. Why are you lying? He wanted to ask.
“Supposed so,” he said instead. He faked a smirk. “If you keep staying on the library so long at night I’m gonna start thinking you got an affair with Pince”
Remus shoved him off the bed.
“Why are you acting so weird?”
“Huh?” Sirius forced himself to stop staring at Remus’ back, turning to look at James.
“You’ve been staring at Moony’s neck all class,” he whispers, even though half of the students are chatting among themselves as Professor Binns mumbles about the Vampire Uprising of 1897. “You were practically interrogating him yesterday morning, and then at lunch, and no, you’re not being subtle at all. What’s gotten into you?”
“I didn’t…” he sighed. He loved James, but sometimes it was annoying that he knew Sirius so well. “I think he’s lying to us”
“About what?” asked James, frowning.
“Well, not lying really… hiding. I think he’s hiding something, but I don’t see why” he stuttered. He looked around, making sure no one was paying attention to them. “You know how you can smell things, when you turn into Prongs. Like, a lot of specific smells”
“Yeah,” said James dreamily. He was probably remembering that time he stole one of Lily’s knickers, guessed Sirius. It was a difficult image to shake off, when you found a stag lying on a bed with its nose buried on a pair of pink girl underwear.
“Right, so, yesterday I… when I transformed into Pads and woke up Remus…”
“What did you smell on him?” James spoke louder, his eyes wide open, and some students turned around to look at them. Sirius waited until they had lost interest. He leaned closer to his friend.
“I…” He squirmed on his seat and felt himself blush. That’s ridiculous, he thought, he does not blush . “Sex. I smelt sex on him, Prongs”
James gaped at him, and then he started laughing.
“Oh Merlin, oh…” he said, panting. More students looked at them and Sirius urged James to calm down. He saw Remus throw them a glance, and then turn back to keep chatting with Lily.
Lily. He chatted an awful lot with Lily, now that he thought about it. Could she…? No, no, he wouldn’t, right?
“I can’t believe Moony fooled us all!” exclaimed Prongs. “Acting all innocent, staying late at the library, studying .” He shook his head, still smiling. “Genius!”
“Why would he lie, though?” asked Sirius bitterly.
“I don’t know. Maybe he’s hooking up with someone we don’t like? Or someone older?” James’ smirk intensified. “Maybe he is hooking up with Pince”
Sirius screwed up his face.
“Anyway, I want to know too but it’s his business,” continued James. “He’ll tell us when he wants us to know”
“Yeah,” replied Sirius half-heartedly.
Remus would’ve never told them about his furry little problem if Sirius hadn’t found out and corned him in the hallways. Looking back at it now, it did seem as if Sirius forced Remus to spill out his secrets, but Sirius’ intentions were always good; he wanted to show Remus he could trust his friends, he could trust Sirius . This wasn’t different.
Except it was, because he understood why Remus wouldn’t have told them about his condition, but why not tell them about some bird he was snogging? Was he embarrassed? Was she a Slytherin? Was she mean? Was she Lily?
The class ended and everyone stood up. Sirius glanced at Remus, who gathered his books and walked towards the door, still talking with Lily.
Sirius had an idea.
He stood up from his seat and quickly made his way to Remus, ignoring James’ warning look.
“Hey,” he said. Remus smiled at him. Lily kind of smiled at him as well.
They walked together down the hallway, James following close behind. Contrary to his usual behaviour, Sirius walked next to Lily instead of Remus. She was still engaged in her conversation with Moony about some stupid girly novel, and Sirius took the opportunity. He subtly leaned closer to the girl and sniffed.
She noticed, and frowned at him.
“Did you just smell my hair?” she asked.
“No?” Sirius swallowed. “Yes. You-you smell nice today”
She seemed to be repressing a laugh. “Thanks, I guess. But don’t do that again”
“Okay”
Remus threw him a curious look. Sirius slowed down until James caught up with him.
“Why are you smelling my girlfriend?” he asked, amused.
“Not your girlfriend”
And not Moony’s either, he thought to himself. Unless Lily changed her perfume today.
The ball of parchment hit James on the ear.
Whos the blonde bird behind u? shes staring at him all class
He frowned at Sirius, who made an insisting gesture from across the classroom. McGonagall had separated them that class because they wouldn’t stop talking; or, more precisely, Sirius wouldn’t stop complaining about the Remus thing and James was unfortunately sat next to Sirius. In fact, James was glad the teacher had separated so he hadn’t had to offend his friend by voluntarily moving to the other side of the room.
He took a piece of parchment, wrote something down, and enchanted it to fly quickly towards Sirius. The boy caught it mid-air.
Lucy Chang, she’s got a boyfriend I think. And you’re being creepy
A second note fell in James’ lap seconds later.
See if she smells like vanilla
James didn’t know whether to worry or laugh at his friend’s obsession. Maybe he should warn Moony, he thought. But he was kind of curious to see where Sirius’ little investigation led. He sighed, and turned around.
“Hey, Lu,” he said, giving her his most innocent smile. “Do you have an extra piece of parchment I could borrow?”
This time he enchanted the note to fly directly into Sirius’ ear.
No. Some flower I think. Not vanilla. Now leave me alone u weirdo
James groaned for the third time in a minute. “Why do you care so much? Can’t you just be happy for him?”
Sirius let himself fall on the couch, stretching his legs over James’. “Well, if I were shagging someone and didn’t want to tell you, wouldn’t you want to know why?”
James snorted. “There’s no way you’re shagging someone and not telling the whole of Gryffindor”
Sirius kicked him.
“Fine, fine,” admitted James. “I guess I’d be curious. But you’re not curious, Pads. You’re upset, I can tell the difference”
He wanted to deny it, like he had been denying it to himself for the last few days, but this was Prongs. He could lie to himself, but he couldn’t lie to James. Besides, maybe his friend would be able to tell him why he was so upset at the idea of Moony liking someone. Now, he wasn’t stupid, there was a very plausible explanation that had crossed his mind the night before. But just thinking about it made him feel sick; he hoped James knew him well enough to get it without having to hear Sirius say it outloud.
His friend, as usual, didn’t disappoint.
“Don’t you think, maybe…” James mumbled. “Maybe, and please don’t get angry, but maybe you’re just jealous?”
Sirius swallowed hard. “Jealous as in he’s my friend and I want all the attention for myself”
Prongs sighed, probably feeling the impact his next words would have. “Jealous as in you want to be the one he’s shagging”
An awkward silence followed. Sirius debated in his mind whether he wanted to respond at all, or whether he should simply let the conversation end there and try to ignore the whole thing until it went away.
James decided for him. He placed a comforting hand on Sirius’ knee. “Listen, Pads” he said, and his voice was so full of affection that the big not-so-secret part of Sirius’ brain which was constantly seeking James’ approval let out a sigh of relief. “I don’t care. I mean, I care that you’re hurting but I don’t care that you like him. Or that you like blokes. You know that, right?”
“I don’t know if I like blokes, though,” he whispered. He hadn’t felt this nervous since the moment the Sorting Hat had touched his head. “I’d just never thought about it, because I do like girls, you know. But…”
“But you like Moony.” James gave him a sad smile.
“I… yeah, I think so.” He groaned in frustration. “I don’t know, I just know that apparently I can’t stand the thought of him kissing or shagging or looking at someone too long, and I maybe perhaps wouldn’t mind it if that someone was me”
James stared at him, biting his lip, which was something he did a lot when he was thinking. “You know, maybe he didn’t tell us because…”
“Hey,” said a voice behind the couch. “Have any of you seen my Runes book?”
Sirius was still sprawled on the coach, his legs on James’ lap. Prongs could feel his friend’s body tense up. “No, maybe you left it in the library?”
Remus shrugged and headed towards the portrait door.
“Where are you going?” asked Sirius, his voice shaking slightly. Moony frowned at him.
“Library. I’ve to write an Ancient Runes essay for next Monday”
As soon as Remus was out of the room, Sirius stood up.
“Where are you going?” inquired James with a warning tone.
Sirius muttered something he couldn’t catch. “What?”
“I’m going to follow him,” he said, this time a bit louder.
“Sirius, no”
“I swear I just need to find out who it is, then I can hate her in silence and never bother him again,” he insisted. He set towards the stairs and James followed behind. “I’m using the cloak”
“I’ll go with you, then”
“No”
“Yes, you’re using my cloak, you can’t stop me”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to hit someone, that’s why.” They entered the bedroom, and Sirius started rummaging around in James’ trunk for the invisibility cloak. “Or throw yourself from the Astronomy Tower, for that matter”
“I’m not going to do anything, Prongs, I just need to know why he won’t tell me about her”
“How do you know she’s a she, anyway?” asked James, the thought just occurring to him. Apparently Sirius hadn’t considered the possibility either, because he turned around with the cloak in his hands to look at James hopefully. But then he seemed to realise something, and shook his head.
“Which bloke do you know of that smells of fucking vanilla ?”
James squeaked when Sirius stepped on his foot. “We’re too old for this”
“You’ve just been having too much pie,” commented Sirius, and he grunted when James punched him hard in the shoulder.
They had followed Remus using the map, and had been surprised to find out that he was actually going to the library. Now they stood outside, trying to figure a way they could both fit under the cloak.
“What if we just go in and sit with him? We’ll say we’re writing the Potions essay or something,” James suggested.
“Us, studying, in the library, at night? Come on, he’s too smart, he’d never buy that”
“Oh, he’s too smart , isn’t he?” mocked Prongs, smiling deviously. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, you’re fucking smitten”
Now it was James who got punched in the arm.
“Come on, let’s go then” he sighed, pushing his glassed up his nose.
“We can’t go together, we won’t fit”
“We did last time, remember? You know how,” insisted James.
Sirius cursed himself for blushing. “We’re not doing that”
“Why?” Prongs was either very innocent or taking the piss out of Sirius.
“You know why!”
“I’m honestly confused”
Sirius shook his head in disbelief. “I’m not explaining to you why pressing against you under the cloak is a bad idea”
“ Oh .” James looked at him with his eyes wide open. Then he frowned. “But why is it different now? It’s not like you weren’t already bent last week just cause you didn’t know it”
“Fine, whatever,” he accepted reluctantly. James was right after all. Why would knowing about it change anything? He moved around to stood in front of his friend, who pressed his chest to Sirius’ back as he threw the cloak over them. The cloth barely covered their feet, but if they walked really slowly and without separating an inch they could maybe get away with it.
James pushed even closer and Sirius cursed, feeling James’ hips against his own. He heard his friend snort against his ear.
“You’re doing it on purpose!”
“I’m not, I swear” denied James, but he couldn’t stop laughing. He lowered his voice, whispering in Sirius’s ear. “Try not to imagine I’m Moony”
“I fucking hate you so much”
Remus was studying. He was actually, honestly writing a freaking essay in the library on a Friday night. Sirius almost wished he’d found him making out with some bird on a hidden corner (although not really).
He felt James’ lips against his ear. “You think it’s him?”
“I mean, if a boy is going to smell of vanilla ,” he muttered under his breath, “of course it’s got to be a fucking Huffie”
“He’s pretty fit, though,” commented James.
Sirius raised his eyebrows, although he knew James couldn’t see his face. “Something you wanna tell me, Prongs?”
The boy snorted, and Sirius could feel James’ chest shaking against his back. “I don’t know, I’m quite enjoying our current position”
He decided to ignore the comment for his own sanity, and concentrated on watching Remus. He and the Hufflepuff boy were sat on the same table, facing each other. There were piles of books around them and they were both going through them and writing.
“Maybe they’re just mates,” he whispered. And then he saw it.
Slowly, but clearly intentionally, Remus moved his right foot across the floor until he touch the other boy’s. He slided the foot up the boy’s leg a bit, and then rested it on the floor again. Sirius saw them raise their heads from the table and stare at each other. He could see Remus smirk proudly, and felt as if one thousand rocks had dropped in his stomach.
“Are you okay?” He felt James’ hand curl on his arm.
Sirius was not going to cry. That was not something Sirius Black did, ever, not when his mother kicked him out of the house, definitely not when he realised his stupid little crush was not reciprocated.
He bit his tongue, tore his gaze away from Remus, and set towards the door.
He might have forgotten James was attached to his back.