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The red hammock rocks gently every time Tyler shifts. He licks the tip of his finger and flips another page in the book he's reading. The movement of the hammock, the quietness of the neighborhood and gentle autumn breeze slowly lull him to sleep. His eyelids are getting heavier with every second and the book starts slipping from his fingers.
He's on the verge of falling asleep when a loud voice startles him, making him sit up.
„Hey, dude. Do you have a lighter?”
The hammock rocks dangerously from side to side, the book falls on the grass with a soft thud and Tyler's head turns in the direction of the voice he knows too well but hadn't heard in months.
„Josh...” Tyler exhales. „What the hell are you doing here? If my mother sees you-” He whisper-shouts, turning around to see if no one comes out of the house.
Tyler's parents have never been big fans of Josh. They've never approved of his style and rebellious nature. Josh was known for causing fights, having bad grades and skipping school. So when Tyler's parents caught him in his bedroom making out with the pink-haired punk, let's say... they weren't happy.
It didn't even matter that he was kissing a boy. Tyler's family knew he was gay since he came out to them on the day of his 15th birthday - it turned out that his fears of being disowned were ridiculous, he got his we love you no matter what speech, hugs and pats in the back. What mattered was that the boy was Laura Dun's son. And Laura Dun's son wasn't welcome in the Josephs' household.
Tyler, you can see anyone. Anyone besides Joshua. He's a troublemaker. We don't want you to get hurt.
Tyler obeyed and promised that he would never speak to Josh again, yet it didn't stop them from seeing each other. It didn't stop Tyler from sneaking out in the middle of the night to see the older boy who always waited in his car on the corner of the street, usually with the driver's window rolled down low and a cigarette in his fingers, blowing out smoke rings.
It's never been a real relationship. They've never established anything. They were just two boys, hooking up every chance they got for the past year.
Tyler got attached too quickly and too easily. He didn't mind that Josh used to stick around for a couple of days and then disappeared for weeks without a word. A tiny voice in his head was screaming at him, telling him that he's stupid and Josh is only using him... but it's always hard to listen to your common sense when you're stupidly in love.
So Tyler always waited. It was tiring and frustrating but he waited. He waited two months to hear the voice again.
Josh giggles, looking at him from above the fence.
„Come on, let's go.”
„I can't disappear just like that, I need to tell my parents I'm going out.” Tyler says, hopping off the hammock and picking up the book.
„Then do it. What are you waiting for?”
Tyler nods and walks towards the house. He turns to the kitchen where his mother tries to bake an apple pie using the newest recipe from the cookbook she got for her birthday.
„Mom?” Tyler starts, leaning casually against the fridge.
„Yes, sweetie?” Kelly asks, never taking her eyes off the book.
„Mark called. He needs some help with his video project. I'm gonna go to his house, okay? He said I can stay for dinner if I want to.”
„Of course. Just be home before ten.”
„Thanks, mom! Save a piece of your pie for me before dad and Zack eat everything!”
He runs out of the house, closes the gate behind him and notices Josh who throws the butt of his cigarette to the ground and steps on it with his boot. Tyler grins.
Josh looks up and smiles back. He heads to his car and Tyler follows him without a word.
„Oh.” Josh furrows his brows when he tries to open the door on the driver’s side but nothing happens. „Oh, no.”
„What?”
„The keys... Oh, damn! I can't believe this!” Josh jerks the door handle again and kicks the front tire out of frustration and Tyler finally realizes what the problem is.
„Did you really lock your keys inside?”
„Yes!”
„You're such an idiot.”
„Stop insulting me and- Oh! Oh, shit. Your dad. Come on! Run!”
Josh takes Tyler's hand and they run down the street, never slowing down, giggling and stumbling every few steps. Running away from Tyler's dad quickly turns into a competition and they end the race in the small park at the end of the street. Tyler wins and even after they slow down to a walk, he's still a few steps in front of the older boy.
Suddenly, there's a hand on his shoulder so Tyler turns around. Josh smashes their mouths together and pushes Tyler backwards until his back hits the nearest tree.
They kiss and Tyler puts his arms around Josh's neck, trying to pull him even closer.
„Fucking missed you.” Josh says between kisses and Tyler only hums in agreement. He missed this. He missed the boy, he missed the smell of cigarettes on his clothes and the taste of strawberries on his tongue. Somehow Josh always tastes like strawberries.
„What about your car?” Tyler asks when they slow down and exchange only gentle pecks.
„Brendon will take care of it later.” Josh says and buries his face in the crook of Tyler's neck. He plants a kiss there and the younger boy runs his fingers through Josh's hair. When they pull away from each other, Josh lights up another cigarette.
„Where have you been?” Tyler asks when they start walking again.
„Here and there.” Josh replies casually, blowing the smoke in the air. „It doesn't matter.”
„I haven't heard from you for two months.”
„Yeah.”
„I waited.”
„Yeah.”
„Yeah.” Tyler sighs. „And what's in it for me?”
Josh frowns.
„What do you mean?”
„I always wait for you. You disappear, I wait, you come back, we have sex and then you disappear again.”
Josh shrugs.
„I don't know, Tyler. You've never complained before. What's your problem now?”
„There's... There's none. I've just been thinking.” Tyler mumbles under his breath and hides his hands inside the pockets of his jeans.
„Then don't.” Josh says coldly and Tyler swallows nervously. „Things are good as they are.”
They walk shoulder to shoulder in silence until they reach Josh's house. His parents are not at home - they're never at home. During the time Tyler has known Josh, he met his parents once and it was a very short encounter.
Josh doesn’t offer him anything to drink or eat. He simply drags him upstairs to his room, slams the door behind them and pushes Tyler on the bed. He climbs on top of the younger boy and doesn’t waste any time before attacking his neck.
„No marks.” Tyler reminds him and Josh nods, tugging at Tyler’s shirt.
Sex with Josh is never boring. Maybe because they don’t do it often and Tyler is always excited when it happens or maybe because Josh is more experienced and creative. Tyler doesn’t know but he also doesn’t care about the reason. Having Josh close like this is the only thing that matters. But he can never be sure when will be the last time before Josh disappears again, so he cherishes every moment spent with the boy.
He’s positively surprised when after two weeks Josh is still around and still wants to see him every day. So Tyler keeps lying to his parents, keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night and enjoying those moments. Josh takes him on road trips and buys him ice-cream and they kiss, lying on the roof of the car in the middle of nowhere. They touch, they make out, they get naked. They go skinny dipping in the lake, watch the sunset from the top of the hill and try to recognize constellations in the clear night sky.
Tyler has never been more in love.
When he successfully lies about sleeping over at Mark’s place again, Josh takes him to the hotel on the other side of the town. They ditch condoms that night and Tyler thinks that maybe this, this is the moment when something will finally change.
The next day, Josh’s car refuses to start.
„Fucking piece of shit.” Josh growls, slamming the hood shut. He sighs and turns to Tyler who’s standing there, shaking from head to toe in the chilly morning air. He’s wearing only a plain black t-shirt and tries to warm up by rubbing the bare skin on his arms. The older boy takes his hoodie from the backseat and offers it to Tyler. „Here, take it. It’s pretty cold today.”
„What about you?”
„I’ll be fine. Seriously, just… take it.”
„T-thank you.” Tyler says, quickly putting it on. It’s too big and he’s almost drowning in it but it smells like Josh. „I need to be home in, like, an hour. Otherwise, my mom will kill me.”
„I know. It’s okay, let’s find a taxi.”
The ride back is quiet. Josh seems to be lost in thought and he doesn’t speak much. Tyler starts to wonder what’s going on in his head but he doesn’t want to be nosy, so he lets Josh be and instead of making him talk, he turns his head and looks through the window.
He doesn’t even try to hide his surprise when Josh takes his hand and laces their fingers together. When they make an eye-contact and Tyler looks at him questioningly, Josh only smiles and squeezes his hand again.
Tyler keeps the hoodie. He accidentally forgets to give it back when they part, after their taxi stops in Tyler’s neighborhood. He hides it at the bottom of his closet during the day (his mother would be pissed if she smelled cigarettes on him) but sleeps in it at night, inhaling the familiar scent.
He doesn’t get any texts from Josh the next day. Or the next. Or the next. He tries to call the older boy a few times but the call always goes straight to the voicemail. Tyler’s heart breaks. He knows what it means even if he doesn’t want to believe it. He tries to focus on school, his poems and music. He tries to be strong but it doesn’t stop him from checking his phone every twenty minutes.
Josh’s hoodie stops smelling like him after a week when Tyler washes it for the first time after his little sister bumps into him in the hallway, making him spill yogurt on the front. He cries while sitting in front of the washing machine and watching it spin around in the water.
After another week of being miserable, he decides he had enough. He decides that he’s done with pinning after Josh, he’s done with crying over him. Josh was never his and never will be and he needs to let it sink that he’s always been only a toy and he never mattered. When the grieving phase is gone, Tyler feels angry instead. He’s mad at Josh and he’s mad at himself that he let the older boy manipulate him so badly.
He blocks Josh’s number and throws the hoodie into the garbage can in his backyard.
He doesn’t know how much time passes before he sees Josh again in the skate park near his school. Josh seems to be in a great mood, he’s with his friends and he shows Brendon some tricks on his skateboard. He throws his head back in laughter when Brendon fails to copy him and stumbles backwards.
Tyler starts to walk faster, ducking his head and pressing his books even closer to his chest. He begs not to be noticed but luck is not on his side and soon, there’s a voice behind his back calling his name.
„Tyler! Hey, Tyler! Ty, wait up!”
Tyler stops and clenches his fists. He slowly turns around and glares at Josh.
„What do you want?”
„Wanna hang out with us for a while? We can come back to my place later, my parents are out of town.”
Tyler laughs. He starts laughing and Josh looks at him with confusion painted all over his face.
„I’m done with your bullshit, Dun.” He says and starts walking away but a hand on his shoulder stops him mid-step.
„Wait, what do you mean?”
„I mean-” He starts, turning around again and looking Josh straight in the eyes. „-exactly what I said. I’m done, do you hear me? Done. I’m done with being your toy, I’m done with being your temporary fuck, I’m done with being used.”
„Used? Tyler, I’ve never used you!”
Tyler laughs again.
„Do you even hear yourself?”
„I just don’t understand the issue!”
„I'm in love with you, you asshole!” Tyler yells and suddenly the laughter in the skate park dies. Tyler feels eyes of Josh’s friends on himself and for a second he feels like running away but then he takes a deep breath and stands his ground. „I’m in love with you.” He says again, never lowering his voice. „I've been since forever, probably since the first time you asked me to light your fucking cigarette. And for you it's all a joke and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it, Josh. I can’t take having you for a week and then having to deal with your absence. I can’t stop thinking about you being with other people when I’m stuck here like an idiot and it hurts because even if we’re not a couple, even if you’re not mine and I’m not yours, I’m fucking jealous. It’s been fun and games in the beginning but it’s not anymore. I’m done with waiting for you. I’m done with waiting for something that will never happen. My parents were right. You’re nothing but trouble and I don’t want to see you ever again.”
Tyler has never seen Josh so shocked and hurt before. The older boy opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out and Tyler feels weirdly satisfied. He takes a step back, sends Josh one more murderous glare and turns on his heel. He tries to keep calm and walks away but after the skate park disappears around the corner, Tyler starts running. He runs all the way home, straight into his room, slams the door after him, leaves his backpack on the floor and throws himself face-first on the bed.
He punches the headboard and starts crying. Soon, his pillow is damp and his back is sweaty from working himself up so much. He doesn’t even hear the knock on his bedroom door until his mother sticks her head through the door.
„Tyler, do you have any dirty clothes? I’m doing laundry.”
„No, mom.” He says, trying to sound as casually as possible. „Thanks, though.” He hears his mother backing away and he almost gets away with it but then a loud sob leaves his throat and Kelly steps back into the room, alarmed.
„Tyler?”
„I’m fine, mom.” He says, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper.
„You’re obviously not.” She shuts the door behind her and slowly approaches his bed. She sits down at the edge of the mattress. „Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
„Not really.”
„You’re not being bullied at school again, are you?”
„No, mom. Don’t worry.”
„I always worry.” She says softly. „And I always want to help you. You’re hurting, Tyler. I want to know what’s going on in this head of yours so we can try to solve your problem together.”
The calmness of her tone breaks something inside him and he starts sobbing again. His mother lies down beside him and starts tracing patterns on his back to calm him down like she used to do when he was a little kid.
„It s-sucks, mom.”
„What sucks, sweetheart?”
„Love. L-Love fucking sucks.” He says angrily but then he realizes that he cursed in front of his mother and he curls in himself. „I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
„It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m not mad. You’re upset, you’re not in trouble.”
„I’m sorry.”
„I told you, it’s okay. Come here, Tyler.”
He carefully rolls onto his other side, finally facing his mother. She lies there with such understanding and compassionate expression on her face that Tyler can’t stop himself any longer. He moves closer and Kelly cradles him in her arms, kissing the top of his head when Tyler hides his face in her chest. He’s not even embarrassed that he’s a seventeen-year-old boy crying his eyes out front of his mother. He needs her. She’s safe. Her arms are his safe place.
She strokes his hair and keeps kissing his head, whispering sweet nothings in his ear until he calms down enough.
„Have you ever been in love with someone who didn’t love you back?” He asks eventually, never pulling away from the embrace.
„I’m pretty sure it happened a few times before I met your father, yes.”
„It sucks, doesn’t it?” He sniffles. „Boys suck.”
„Hmm. Do you want to tell me anything, Tyler?”
„No.”
„Are you sure?”
He doesn’t say anything for a while, only breathes and tries to focus on her fingers gently stroking his hair. She’s his best friend, she’s never given him a reason to be called a bad mother. Even if he’s the oldest of four and she needs to take care of his younger siblings every day, she always finds the time to talk to him and make sure he’s alright. He owes her honesty.
„I’ve lied to you so many times, mom.” He chokes out and the embrace on his frame tightens.
„I know, sweetheart.”
„You- You know?”
„Yes. Just every mom’s black magic, you know?” She says with a smile. „I was waiting for you to tell me the truth. I’ve met Mark’s mother a few times and it turned out that you’ve never been with him when you told me you would be. And then, sometimes, you used to get lost in your own excuses.”
„I’m sorry.”
„I didn’t understand what was the reason of you lying to me but then I saw you with Josh once, in the city. I was on my way home from work and you were eating ice-cream by the fountain. I realized why you lied and I was so mad! I wanted to smack your head and drag you home but you looked happy so I’ve never said anything. I knew you would finally get hurt but I didn’t say anything because you’re only seventeen and you still need to learn so many things... I knew that if we banned you from seeing Josh, you wouldn’t listen to us anyway. We did it once and it didn’t work.”
„Mom… Mom.” He whimpers. „I’m so sorry.”
„It’s okay, Ty. You’re a teenager. I was a teenager too. I understand.”
„I’m sorry.” He says again. „I’m so sorry. I’m just so in love with him and- I know you think the worst of him but he’s not that bad, it’s just his image… I know he’s four years older than me but he’s really smart and gentle and charming and… And he’s so passionate about everything! But he’s also so... undecided and it hurts, mom, it hurts so much.”
„Have you tried talking to him, maybe?”
Tyler shakes his head.
„I got angry and blocked his number. I met him today after classes and I just yelled at him, I was so angry and I told him I don’t want to see him anymore and then I ran home.”
„You really love this boy, don't you?”
Tyler nods.
„But he doesn't love me, mom.”
„Tyler, how long have you been hanging out with him behind our back? It's been over a year since we caught you with him here in this exact bed. You've known each other for much longer than that, right?”
„We've had this thing for a few weeks before you found out.” Tyler admits, finally shifting away a little bit. It's getting too hot.
„That’s a very long time. Tyler, if he didn't feel anything for you, do you think he would stick around until now?”
„It's just a game for him, mom. If I summed up the real time we've spent together, it wouldn’t be that long at all.” Tyler sighs. „I have feelings for him but I can't help but think that it's always been just a game for him, that he played me to satisfy himself, you know?”
„I think you two need to talk. Be honest with each other and establish what the point of your relationship really is.” His mother says. „You also need to decide what’s the best for you. You’re a smart boy, Tyler. I believe you can make the right decision.”
„How can you be so cool about it? You and dad hate him.”
„We don't hate him. We simply don't approve the way in which he approaches life.”
„He's just brave.” Tyler says softly and closes his eyes. „He's not afraid to express himself.”
Kelly smiles.
„Who knows, maybe that's exactly what it is.” She touches his cheek and he looks at her through his half-closed eyelids. „Tired?” She asks and he nods. „Do you want me to draw on your back some more?”
„Please.”
„Turn around.”
Tyler rolls over again, exposing his back. Kelly doesn't waste any time and she starts drawing random patterns along her son's spine, using her fingers. He shifts and presses his cheek to the pillow, making himself more comfortable.
„I love you, mom. You're awesome.”
„I'm trying my best.” She laughs. „I love you too, my baby. Do you want me to wake you for dinner?”
„Yeah.”
„Alright. Now, relax.”
She strokes his back until he falls asleep, draws the curtains shut and quietly leaves the room.
Tyler doesn't hear from Josh for another week. There's no sight of him around school or in the skate park. He sees Brendon once but the boy is alone, drinking Red Bull on a bench in the park. They make a brief eye contact but Tyler walks away without a word and Brendon doesn't try to stop him.
He doesn't mention Josh to his mother anymore and Kelly doesn't pry. She just squeezes his arm whenever they pass each other in the kitchen or the hallway, a silent assurance of I am here, I know you're hurting, you know you can always talk to me.
He makes peace with things being over. He doesn't expect anything and he decides it's the highest time to move on. He doesn't expect anything and he definitely doesn't expect being woken up in the middle of the night when someone shakes him by the shoulder.
„Tyler. Tyler, wake up.”
When he opens his eyes and clicks the bedside lamp on, he blinks and gasps when he sees Josh.
„How did you-” He starts but then he notices the open window. „Oh. Of course.” He sighs. „What do you want?”
„I want to talk to you.”
„What makes you think that I want to talk to you?” He rubs his eyes, sits up and checks the time on his phone. It's quarter past two. „I think you should leave. If my parents see you here-”
„Tyler...” Josh sits at the edge of the mattress next to the younger boy’s legs and takes his hands in his. „Please, listen to me. I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry.”
Tyler's eyes widen and he snatches his hands away.
„Whatever you did? Are you kidding me?”
„I mean, I know what I did.” Josh backtracks. „I mean... Uh. I've never wanted to hurt you. I thought you didn't want anything serious. I thought you only wanted to fool around. That's why I've never taken it seriously. I didn't know you feel this way... I didn't notice.” He hangs his head and exhales. „I thought you wanted to hang out with me because I was older and I look how I look and I thought- Because you know, there's this thing about good girls liking bad guys and-” Josh clears his throat and avoids any eye-contact. Tyler has never seen him so shy before. „I thought you liked me only for being an asshole.”
„Oh my God.” Tyler groans and rubs his hands over his face. „Oh my God, Josh. I liked you not because of your pink hair or gauges or tattoos… It was never about hooking up with a bad guy! It was... It was about being close to a person that made me feel something I’ve never felt before... A person who made me feel safe and wanted every time they’ve been around. It was always about your heart because under this mask you’ve created, you’re a good person. You’re such a good person, Josh, and I’ve always seen the real you, I’ve always wanted the real you! And sometimes you forgot about acting tough and you were the sweetest guy. Like when you took me stargazing once or when you tried to teach me how to play drums. And every time I thought that maybe this is the beginning of something special but then you were always back to being yourself and you kept leaving me without a word…” Tyler starts crying. „I was so stupid and I let you manipulate me... I don’t want to be heartbroken anymore. I’m so tired of your games, Josh.”
„Tyler, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry, I’m sorry.” Without hesitation, Josh sits closer to him and immediately wraps his arms around Tyler’s shaking frame. The younger boy doesn’t fight him, he lets his forehead rest on Josh’s shoulder but he doesn’t hug him back.
„I really thought you f-felt the same way but I was w-wrong.”
„You weren’t. You weren’t! You’re amazing, Tyler. And if you could give me one more chance I would prove it to you…” Josh says, rubbing circles on his back. „I would prove that I’m worth your time and I would never leave again. Brendon warned me… He warned me so many times. You’re hurting him, he said. But I’ve never listened. But now I know… I don’t want to lose you, Tyler. I’m in love with you too.”
„Don’t lie to me.”
„I’m not lying, I swear to God, I’m not lying.” Josh shakes his head and pulls Tyler even closer.
„If I give you one more chance and you fuck up...” Tyler’s voice trails off.
„I won’t.” The pink-haired boy says and kisses the side of Tyler’s head. „I won’t. I won’t.”
Tyler slowly lifts his head and looks up.
„You better.” He whispers and puts his hand on Josh’s cheek. The older boy leans in and kisses him on the mouth, simultaneously pushing him back onto the pillows. He climbs on the bed and lies down, half on top of Tyler. „My parents-”
„We’re not doing anything. I just want to kiss you.”
So he does. They kiss and Tyler cherishes every movement of their lips because even if Josh still tastes like strawberries and cigarettes, the kisses feel different. Each one is full of emotions. Each one feels like a promise.
„You need to leave before anyone wakes up.” Tyler whispers against his lips and Josh noses his cheek.
„I know, don’t worry.”
The thing is, Josh never leaves. After making out for a quite long time they fall asleep on the top of the covers, arms wrapped around each other. Their legs end up tangled together and Tyler’s face is tucked under Josh’s chin. And that’s how Kelly Joseph finds them in the morning when she enters Tyler’s room with the intention of waking him up for breakfast.
„Tyler, wake up, dad is making- Oh.” She stops in the doorway and sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. She fixes her dressing gown and clears her throat. Then she shouts. „Boys!”
It works. Their eyes snap open and when they realize the position they’re in, they jump away from each other, ending up on two different sides of the bed. Tyler looks from his mother to Josh and from Josh to his mother with a terrified expression on his face.
„It’s not what it looks like.” He says immediately. „We just- talked. And then we fell asleep-”
„I know. I heard you.” Kelly says. „You’re lucky you didn’t wake Madison. Your conversation wasn’t exactly quiet.”
„Sorry.” They say at the same time, hanging their heads.
„Morning, Mrs. Joseph.” Josh mumbles sheepishly, not even looking at her.
„Good morning, Josh.” She replies casually. „Since you’re here, you can as well stay for breakfast. I’ll tell Chris to make more pancakes. Also, please use the door next time. If you fall off the roof and break your bones, I won’t be the one driving you to the hospital.”
„Mom.” Tyler panics and she stops backing away from the room. She looks at him questioningly. „Are you mad? That Josh is here?”
She doesn’t give him a proper answer.
„Did you two talk?” She asks instead and they nod. „Did you make any agreements?”
„Yeah.” Tyler says quietly and takes a deep breath. „We’re- We want to try… Uh. Yeah.”
„Okay. Josh?”
„Yes, Mrs. Joseph?”
„I trust my son.” Kelly says, looking him straight in the eyes. „I don’t really approve of this relationship but I trust my son and I believe that he’s doing the right thing. This is your chance to prove how wrong my opinion of you is. Make Tyler cry again and I will hunt you down, do you understand?”
„Yes, Mrs. Joseph.”
„Perfect. Now, come on, boys. Let’s eat some pancakes!” She says with a smile and leaves the room.
„Jesus Christ...” Josh breathes out. „My heart is about to rip out of my chest.”
„What? Are you afraid of my mom?” Tyler quirks his eyebrow and smirks. „You, Joshua Dun, are afraid of my mom?”
„Dude. Your mom is intimidating as fuck.”
„Mhm. Remember… Hurt me again and she will hunt you down. She usually keeps her promises.”
Josh crawls on his hands and knees and stops right in front of the younger boy. He puts his hand on Tyler’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss.
„She won’t have to. I'm in this for the long haul.”