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His hands up to his elbows in dish soap and an episode of RadioLab playing, Bruce was enjoying a moment of peaceful domesticity. And then Tony wandered into the kitchen. He stood directly behind Bruce at the sink and nuzzled his neck for a moment before launching into his interrogation.
"FRIDAY, mute the podcast, Bruce already knows too much science. I need a chance to catch up. Hey, what are you doing? We have a perfectly good dishwasher. You should know that. Also, what are you making? It smells...interesting. Not bad, per se, but....I mean, it's definitely not chocolate chip cookies. It smells...healthier."
Bruce said, "I don't mind doing dishes by hand. It's kind of relaxing. And it's zucchini bread."
"Hmm." Tony put his arms around Bruce's waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.
Refusing to let Tony distract him from his cleanup, Bruce said, "It's like banana bread, but with zucchini."
"Yeah, no, the concept seems pretty straightforward, I just question its functionality. Did you think about garlic bread? Everyone loves garlic bread."
"They were literally giving it away at the farmer's market. The zucchini."
"Tell me, Bruce, are you familiar with the saying, 'you get what you pay for'? It's a cliche, but it's true."
"It's good zucchini. It's just that it's in season so there's a lot of it. Plus, they like me there. At the farmers market."
"Well, of course they do, what's not to like?"
Bruce put the clean dishes on the drying rack, wiped off his hands, and spun around to face Tony. "What's up, Tony?"
Tony shrugged. "Since when do I need a reason to come bother you? You know how I get when I'm left unattended."
Bruce nodded; he did know. "Well, the bread should be done in about fifteen minutes, if you want a snack."
"I'm not sure I can wait fifteen minutes for a snack." Tony raised his eyebrows suggestively and tapped the tip of Bruce's nose. "You've got flour on your face, Julia Child."
Bruce shook his head and playfully ducked his face against Tony's T-shirt. Sure enough, he left a small trail of flour above the AC/DC logo.
"Hey! This was clean...ish," Tony protested.
"It wasn't, it smells like engine oil. Besides, are you familiar with the saying, 'if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen'?"
"Oh, I can handle it," Tony said, with a smirk that caused an involuntary physiological response in Bruce. "I--"
Spotting a visitor over Tony's shoulder, Bruce cleared his throat and said, "Hey, Happy. The zucchini bread will be done soon."
"Oh, nice," Happy said appreciatively. "But actually, I, uh, Tony... I'm not sure if I should say anything, but…"
Tony turned to face Happy and said, "Spit it out."
"Well, Peter's friend Ned called--and first of all, I don't appreciate you giving him my number--"
"I didn't, Peter must have," Tony said.
"Whatever, I don't appreciate it. Anyway, he said he's at science camp but something happened to Peter and he wasn't sure what he should do--"
"Is he hurt? What happened? Where is he?"
"Let me finish! He's fine, he's just at home, not even using the suit."
"Okay, so…"
Happy shifted his feet for a moment before saying, "But I called to check on him just in case, and uh, it sounded like he was crying?"
"Did you ask why?"
"No...it was uncomfortable. I ended the call after he said he was fine. I'm sure he's fine."
Tony rolled his eyes. "So, just to be clear, you came in here to tell me that Peter Parker is fine, at home, but he may or may not be crying for unknown reasons."
"...Also to see about the zucchini bread."
"I made a vegan batch for you," Bruce said. Happy had been trying to lower his cholesterol.
"Thanks!"
"It should be just about ready, actually, let me check." The vegan loaf was in a smaller pan, which should need less baking time. He turned on the oven light and smiled at the golden-brown perfection, before pulling it out and setting it on the counter.
Happy cut off a slice of bread. He looked between Bruce's calm face and Tony's annoyed one and said, "Well, I'll just...be going, then. Thanks for the bread, Bruce."
"You're welcome!"
Bruce knew that Happy had not been thrilled by Bruce's return to Tony's life. Bruce couldn't really blame the man for not wanting his former bodyguard-ee to cohabitate with someone who produced as much collateral damage as Bruce could, but he was pleased that his campaign to win over the guy with baked goods was working.
Tony sighed and leaned against the kitchen island. "Happy tries."
"Why did you give Peter Happy's number, anyway?" Bruce asked. "You probably spend more time getting updates from Happy than if you just talked to Peter directly."
"I'm not sure about that," Tony said. "The kid's a serial texter."
"Hmm." Bruce had struggled to understand Tony's relationship with Peter. Bruce knew Tony cared about the kid, but he also knew that Tony often expressed his affection in unusual ways.
"I don't know. I--I didn't exactly want to encourage him to keep up with all this superhero stuff, but I didn't--not want to help--I don't know. Happy seemed like a good intermediate. And probably more reliable than me."
Bruce made an ambivalent sound in response.
"Look, I know it's weird," Tony said.
"Kinda, yeah."
"But not bad weird?"
Bruce considered a moment before replying, "No, I think it's probably good weird. I mean--I mean, Peter was already out there doing stuff before you found him. It's not like you, uh, recruited him."
"Right. I'm just...a consultant on the project he started himself."
The oven timer went off and Bruce checked his remaining loaves of zucchini bread. "They need a few more minutes."
Tony was scrolling through his phone with a concerned look on his face. "I think I know what Peter's upset about."
"Oh?"
"Some bullshit from the Daily Bugle," Tony said, projecting a page in the air for Bruce to see.
"'Spider-Menace'?" Bruce read, incredulously. "Aw, that's terrible."
"It's not bad as a pun, but yeah, pretty shitty. Especially since Peter stopped that bank robbery, he didn't rob it."
"Obviously. So...what are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I'll talk to Pepper--obviously she has some experience managing superhero PR problems. I can run it by one my lawyers too, but I don't think there's much we can do on that front without revealing Peter's identity. And since he's not officially an Avenger, I don't think there's anything that whatever's left of SHIELD can do. Or will do."
"Hmm. Oh well, who among us hasn't been the subject of a horrifying headline or two?"
"Or two thousand." Tony's eyes lit up the way they did whenever he had an idea that was going to make Bruce's life more complicated. "Hey, when did you say that zucchini bread would be done?"
"A couple more minutes?"
"Why don't we go bring some to Peter?"
Bruce smiled. "Sure. But I can just give you some to take?"
"What, you have more dishes to do?"
"No, I just thought--maybe it would be better if it was just you?"
"That's almost never true."
"Well, you know, you and Peter have...your whole thing. I don't want to intrude, if he's upset."
Tony scoffed. "Peter's crazy about you. Besides, who knows better than you what it's like to be slandered in the media?"
"Uh...most of the stuff they say about me is actually true."
Tony rolled his eyes so hard Bruce thought it might actually do some kind of ocular damage. "Okay, fine, Bruce, leave the talking to me, if you're going to be like that. But you're coming."
Bruce sighed and took the remaining zucchini bread out of the oven.
Happy had been right: Peter was definitely crying. He was sitting on the couch in front of the title screen for MarioKart but didn't seem to be actually playing. When Tony and Bruce walked in, Peter wiped his face with his sleeve and sniffled, "Mr. Stark? Dr. Banner? Wh-what are you guys doing here? I told Happy I was fine..."
"We heard there was a crime wave in your neighborhood," Tony said drily.
"I--I didn't--" The anguish on Peter's face intensified.
Bruce elbowed Tony. "We came to see how you were doing," he said softly. "Ned said you might be upset…?"
"He--Ned--ugh," Peter said. "You-you guys are busy, you shouldn't, you…"
"We brought zucchini bread?" Bruce said.
Peter broke down into full-on sobbing.
Tony sighed. "Seriously, you couldn't have made chocolate chip cookies or something, Bruce? It's okay, kid, zucchini bread makes me cry, too."
Bruce shook his head and put the zucchini bread on the coffee table. "Just breathe, Peter."
Finally, Peter caught his breath and wailed, "It's on the front page, and all I ever tried to do was help."
"I know," Bruce said gently. "It's not fair."
"Life isn't fair," Tony said. "Which I know is kind of a cliche, but it's true. Do you know how many shitty articles have been published about me and Bruce?"
"No?"
"I mean, me neither," Tony admitted. "But a lot." He picked up the discarded Daily Bugle off the floor, flipped through it, and said, "Even in today's paper, look. They ran an article saying I was going to make a rose gold Iron Man suit, to increase my appeal to millennials. I mean, as if I didn't already appeal to millennials enough."
Peter managed a very small smile at that.
"Last week there was an article saying I was dating some actor because he wore a T-shirt that said 'I heart TS.' It was Taylor Swift who he hearted. Not me."
Peter made a laugh-like sound.
"And you don't even want to know the stuff they say about Bruce," Tony continued.
"I--I know it's not that big of a deal compared to the stuff that you guys have had happen," Peter said.
"Of course it is," Bruce said. "Look, Tony...Tony's a public figure, and I'm...well. I'm a different story altogether. But all you've done is try your best to help people, without ever asking for credit. You shouldn't have to deal with this garbage on top of everything else in your life." Thinking about this was starting to make him angry, which was not ideal. He took a deep breath and decided to take a walk around the apartment in search of Kleenex.
Tony sat down on the couch next to Peter and said, "Here's the thing, though: it doesn't matter what this newspaper says, because everyone in New York knows you're a hero. They've seen you out there, rescuing their cats and chasing down their stolen bicycles and everything else. This isn't going to change anyone's minds."
Bruce gave up on finding Kleenex and handed Peter a couple of paper towels from the kitchen. Peter sniffed and dried his eyes, though they were still red. Bruce picked up the Daily Bugle off the floor and took it to the recycling bin he'd seen in the kitchen.
"I guess," Peter said.
"You guess? Well, I know," Tony said. He sounded so confident. It was easy to believe things when Tony said them. "Here, look." Tony swiped at his phone and projected a whole kaleidoscope of news stories about Spider-Man, all of them positive.
"It still sucks, though," Peter said.
"Yeah, it does," Bruce agreed. He stopped pacing the apartment and sat down on Peter's other side.
Peter looked at him sidelong and said, "How do you deal with it, Dr. Banner? People are such jerks about the, um, Hulk? Like, no offense, but most of the stuff about Mr. Stark is just like, kinda funny?"
"That actually just proves my point," Tony said smugly. "I guess you're too young to remember all the garbage they used to say about me. Which, to be fair, a lot of it was true. Ish. That's not the point."
"Sorry, what is the point?" Peter asked, his brows furrowed.
"I think Tony's point is, 'actions speak louder than words,'" Bruce said.
"Oof, with all these cliches, we should start making motivational posters," Tony said. "But yeah, that is pretty much my point. And kid, your actions are so loud."
"In a good way," Bruce added. But he was still thinking about Peter's question, since Tony had jumped on his answer. He said, "I guess I deal with it in a couple ways...first of all, I mostly try to avoid the news as much as possible? If something is important...I'll hear about it. And then uh...I just try to...try to stay productive. I like to be helpful. Even if it doesn't change anyone's mind about me, I...it feels good." Bruce studied his hands for a moment and added, "And Peter, it's okay to feel mad about this. It's okay to feel whatever you feel. Just...just try to acknowledge what you feel and then let it go, if you can. It doesn't help to...to dwell."
"See?" Tony said. "I knew you'd have good advice. I was going to tell him to have a couple stiff drinks."
Peter looked around the apartment furtively. "Mr. Stark, you know you can't say stuff like that when May is around, right? Like, May is really cool and all, but..."
Tony sighed. "I'll be on my best behavior."
"Is she coming back soon? Should we leave?" Bruce asked. He'd never met May, but he knew she hadn't been Tony's biggest fan ever since she found out the truth behind Peter's "internship."
"No, you don't have to. Um, unless you need to leave, I really do know you're busy."
"We're not in a rush," Tony said. "Bruce turned the oven off before we left."
"Um, then, do you want to play MarioKart?" Peter asked.
"Sure," Tony said.
They were deep into Rainbow Road when May came home. "Oh, Peter, you didn't tell me you were having friends over," she called. "I thought Ned was at--oh."
"Hi, May, we were in the neighborhood and just dropped in," Tony said, with his most charming voice.
"Hi, Tony," she said flatly. "And you are--"
Bruce hastily put down his controller and came around the couch to offer her his hand. "Sorry, I'm Bruce."
"You're sorry you're Bruce?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"No, uh, I mean, sorry for--intruding. And my name is Bruce. And you must be May."
She took his hand and kept sizing him up. Peter said, "May, it's Dr. Banner."
Then a flicker of recognition passed over May's face and Bruce braced himself. But May smiled and said,"Oh! Dr. Banner, Peter's told me so much about you."
"Oh. Um."
"He really just thinks the world of you."
"May," Peter whispered urgently.
"Oh, well, thank you, I, uh, I think the world of him, also," Bruce stammered. As an afterthought, he added, "We brought zucchini bread?"
"How thoughtful," May said. "Are you staying for dinner?"
"Oh--no, we didn't mean to impose--"
May held up her hand. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't mean it. Would you like to stay for dinner? I'll warn you, I'm a terrible cook."
"Aw, no you're not," Peter said. "She's innovative!"
"He's only saying that because he's a very hungry child," May said with a fond smile.
"I could cook, if you want?" Bruce offered.
"Don't be silly, you're a guest."
"But you've been working all day. I've been playing video games. You should take a break. Play some MarioKart."
"We unlocked Rose Gold Peach," Peter said.
"Ooh, really?" May's eyes flashed to the TV screen, and then she studied Bruce's face. "Well--if you're sure, Dr. Banner?"
"Please, call me Bruce. And yeah, I'm sure. I'd be happy to. I like to cook."
"He does," Tony affirmed.
"Well...the kitchen's that way, let me know if you need anything," May said. She flopped onto the couch next to Peter and took up Bruce's controller.
Bruce took stock of the kitchen and opted to make a fairly straightforward pasta dish. Chopping the vegetables was soothing and took his mind off...everything else.
"This smells good," May said.
"Thanks."
"I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay but it looks like you've got everything under control."
"Yeah, I'm not making anything too fancy."
May hesitated. "Bruce, you seem--you're--can I be frank?"
"Please."
"You're not what I thought you'd be like."
"Yeah, I get that a lot. I mean--not a lot, 'cause I don't really talk to that many people, but uh, percentage-wise."
"I mean, I wasn't kidding, Peter really does think the world of you, but Peter…"
"Peter likes everybody?"
May laughed. "Pretty much. Yeah, so...look, to be honest, I'm still not totally sure I trust Tony Stark, but you seem like you'd be a really bad liar."
"Well...you're not wrong. About me, I mean. Tony's...I know he's...a lot, but he has a heart of gold. He really cares about Peter."
"Yeah, so...what are you two really doing here? I'm not an idiot, I know you didn't just happen to be in Queens."
"Well…"
"I know--I--it's been hard for me to come to terms with all the Spider-Man...stuff...but I know it's important to Peter and I--is he okay? I can tell he's been crying but he didn't text me or anything…."
"Yeah, Peter's okay," he said softly. "He, uh, did you see the Daily Bugle today, by any chance?"
May frowned. "No. Now that you mention it, it's usually on the kitchen table when I come home."
"It's on the top of the recycling bin."
"Rude, I hadn't read it yet...oh, what the fuck?"
"Yeah, so…that's why we're here. It was Tony's idea, actually, to check on him, when he saw it."
"Hmm," May said thoughtfully. "Did he make the zucchini bread, too? I saw flour on his shirt. Well, I assume it was flour and not--"
"--It was flour. He...helped."
"Interesting. But I can't believe Peter didn't tell me! I thought he was done keeping secrets from me."
"He didn't exactly tell us either," Bruce said. "I think he felt embarrassed about it."
"Well, that's ridiculous, this is so obviously fake. They should feel embarrassed."
"Yeah."
May angrily threw the paper back in the recycling. "Well, I'm cancelling our subscription to the Daily Bugle first thing tomorrow."
"Good. But, May, if he's...there's probably going to be other stuff like that. Tony was saying that legally, there's not much that can be done, since technically...his identity is unknown. So people can kinda say whatever they want to sell papers without repercussions."
"I hate that! He's out there risking his life to help people and that, that J. Jonah Jameson is just going to...ugh!"
"Pretty much. I'm really sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"I know, but I'm just...sorry. I wish there were more I could do."
"You're doing plenty. Oh, are you making garlic knots, too?"
"Yeah."
"Great, because I have a lot of feelings to eat."
"They'll be done in a few minutes. You can go get a couple more rounds of MarioKart in."
May squeezed his shoulder and left the kitchen.
When Bruce went to tell everyone that dinner was ready, he saw that the game was paused. May, Tony, and Peter were peering at their phones.
"Hey guys...dinner's ready? If you're hungry?"
"Oh, great!" May said. "Just one second."
"We can finish after dinner," Tony said.
"No, I want it to go viral."
"That's not how it works, May," Peter said. "You can't just make something go viral."
"Well, it definitely won't go viral if I don't finish posting it!"
"What are you guys doing?" Bruce asked.
"Tony and Peter are teaching me Twitter," May explained. "I'm telling the Daily Bugle why I'm unsubscribing. And I want everyone else to, too, if Spider-Man ever helped them."
"I'll retweet it," Tony said.
"You guys really don't have to do this…" Peter said.
"Well, they really didn't have to print some total lies on their front page, now did they?" May asked.
"I think it's a great idea," Bruce said. "Boycotts are one of the most effective forms of nonviolent protest."
"You are really not what I thought you'd be like," May said.
"I get a bad rap in the papers," Bruce said drily.
May snorted and held her phone out. "Okay, does this look good?"
"Maybe delete like, one emoji?" Peter suggested.
"Hmm...okay." May tapped her phone once and sent the tweet. "Now let's eat!"
After dinner, May checked her phone. "Oh! Look how many retweets I got already! Look, Peter, I think I went viral."
"People love Spider-Man," Tony said with a smile.
On their way out, May hugged Bruce and said, "You're welcome back for dinner any time," and Bruce was pretty sure it wasn't just because the garlic knots had come out perfectly, buttery and golden.