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Days and weeks and months had passed since the ineffective and embarrassing battle at Crait, and the image of her closing the Millenium Falcon door, and also the bond between them, was still imprinted on his retinas.
That was the last time he'd seen her.
Surrounded by the semidarkness of his rooms, staring out at the stars, all Kylo Ren could think of was her. Rey. No matter how much time passed, the memory of her remained with him. Often he could only think of her and how he had felt a raw, suffocating rage dominating him when he woke up in Snoke's throne room surrounded by corpses and destruction and she had left.
Rey had left.
Once again he had been abandoned, discarded, despised by someone he cared about.
Just as everyone else had done in the past, she had also left him behind.
And again he moved on.
There was nothing left for him other than to finish the work of the First Order and fulfill his destiny. He moved on the path he had chosen, but it went awry when he lost focus and the Resistance had escaped with the help of Rey and Luke.
The great failure in the battle wasn’t enough, he had seen Rey leave once more. At Starkiller Base she had left him defeated and his body injured, and this time it was his heart that was torn and bleeding.
Kylo felt lonelier than ever before.
Rey was gone and all that was left was the cold void of solitude. And he had no idea that the loneliness with which he had always lived could be even more merciless as it evolved into another feeling, the longing.
At first he was too busy taking control of the First Order and dodging Hux's questions about Snoke's death, to think about what the silence of the bond meant. However, after things began to calm down, he couldn’t ignore all that silence, much less his feelings. Everyone he'd once loved was gone. He had killed his father, hadn’t been able to avoid his mother's death, and his uncle had caused his own death by aiding in the escape of the Rebellion. He'd killed Snoke for her. He offered the galaxy to her. He placed everything he had and what he was at her feet, and yet she chose not to stand beside him.
In moments of absolute despair, he had tried to make the bond open. He had thought intensely of her face, request that the Force allow him to see her, even if only for a second, a mere glimpse of her. He longed to see her eyes one more time. But the bond remained closed and silent, as if it had never existed. Maybe she was using all her concentration and training to block him or who knows, somehow, they had managed to destroy it in Crait.
As difficult as not being able to reach her, was to overcome the shock of having his mind alone for him for the first time in his life.
Snoke was dead, and as the days passed, the absence of his presence in his mind was less and less felt. It was as if his presence was a drug that not only altered his perception of the world but sharpened his most primitive emotions. Yes, he hated his parents for all the lies and all the years of neglect and abandonment. But deep inside he still loved them. Snoke knew this love and so he needed to get rid of his parents so he could prove himself a true Vader in the eyes of his master and become Kylo Ren definitely. His feelings for his family were the great barrier between Kylo and the greatness offered by the dark side. And buried even deeper, there were the remnants of the boy he had once been. Buried deep in his heart, it was what made him Ben Solo. And now, thanks to Rey's presence, Ben Solo seemed closer and closer to the surface.
And without Snoke watching his mind, Ben Solo had wept over his father's loss.
He had allowed himself to feel the loss of the one who had been his greatest hero. And when he remembered that fateful day at Starkiller base he could feel the touch of his father's hand on his face, he could remember his determination to take him home. But what his father had no idea was that he was past the point where he could be saved. He had done horrible things, killed many people in the name of the First Order, and plunged as deeply into the dark side as possible. There was no more salvation for him. He had become the monster that everyone thought he was years before. He had assumed his legacy as the grandson of the greatest monster the galaxy had ever seen. He was a monster now. And, killing his father seemed to be his only option.
But it was not.
Killing his father had only served to fill his heart with conflict. As his lightsaber crossed his father's chest, the last thing Kylo Ren had expected was to see love or understanding or forgiveness in his eyes. He had waited for pain, hatred, disappointment, even betrayal. But never for love. Never for understanding. Never for forgiveness. He was a monster, a creature of darkness and didn’t deserve to be loved, understood or forgiven.
The sacrifice Han Solo had made to save him, to take him home and into his mother's arms, to reunite his family in spite of all the atrocities committed by him, had made Kylo take his first reluctant step toward the light. Even though he didn’t realize it at that moment, it was impossible not to notice as his tears came down. And it was the conflict he felt when he killed his father who brought Rey to his life. In a few days her light had penetrated into it, as the roots of a tree penetrated the ground. And though the darkness was extremely strong in him, it was dotted with light, like a starry sky.
Snoke was absolutely wrong in urging him to destroy his feelings. Snoke was absolutely right when he said that killing Han had shaken him deeply. For at the very moment when his father's body fell, Kylo realized that this act wouldn’t have the consequence expected by his Master. No, he wouldn’t become a stronger warrior, or he would destroy the remnants of light that still lingered within him. Kneeling on the platform, he had felt the moment when Han's life had died out and he wanted to be able to undo what he had done.
But there was no turning back.
There were only the consequences to be faced.
And then they came. Chewie's shot just hadn’t killed him because he had used the Force to cushion the shot and stop the bleeding immediately. Then Rey had almost killed him in the woods, using his grandfather's lightsaber. And none of this had made Snoke happy with his apprentice. All Kylo wanted was to be worthy of his grandfather's legacy, but to live up to the great Sith Lord Darth Vader seemed almost unattainable to him.
And to make matters worse, came the bond that allowed him and Rey to communicate. Just her, the girl who had aroused his curiosity and compassion, seen inside his mind and discovered his deepest fear.
It all happened quickly, as if the Force wanted them to talk to each other and get to know each other. And when that happened, when they looked at each other beyond the sides they fought on, everything changed. And he didn’t want her to see him just as "a creature in a mask" or a monster. He wanted to protect her and show her that even legends made mistakes, that anyone could be seduced by the darkness. He wanted her to know how much the great Jedi Master Luke Skywalker was flawed and unworthy of her admiration.
And then, in a moment she was calling him a monster, demanding to know why he hated his father, and the next she was seeking comfort in him, and suddenly they were comforting one another.
The Force had shown her his future, but had shown him her past. And it was clear to him that their fates were intertwined. They both felt fear and loneliness. Both felt dislocated and out of touch and wanted to be important to someone. They both wanted to be reminded and to find someone who would never leave them behind again.
She was the light to his darkness.
He was the darkness to her light.
One balanced the other. And, together, they balanced the Force.
When he felt her coming into the Supremacy, he knew he would have no choice but to take her to his Master. And when Snoke made it clear he wouldn’t let her live, he knew what he had to do. And this time he didn’t hesitate for a second.
With the Supreme Leader dead, he was free to do whatever he wanted. And all he wanted was to be able to command the galaxy with her alongside him. Together they could make everything better for everyone. Bring peace to all. Ensure that no child would ever go through what she went through. Together, they could change history and become legends. Together.
But he was alone now. All the power of the First Order was his to command, and even that was nothing without her. Everything seemed so wrong without her.
He was trying to be the Supreme Leader the galaxy deserved, though the task wasn’t as easy or glorious as it seemed.
Just as during Snoke's rule, Kylo also allowed Hux to be the face of the First Order. He knew that feeding the General's ego would be more effective in controlling him than trying to dominate him with the Force. Despite his disagreements, Kylo knew that Hux would do anything to maintain his position of power and to bring the First Order to victory. At least they both agreed. And thanks to his abilities with the Force, he could always keep an eye on his thoughts and intentions to deal a coup to his government.
And Supreme Leader Kylo Ren had many plans for the galaxy. Even without Rey, he knew he could bring peace and justice to all. The Republic had been a mistake, just like the New Republic. Nor had the Empire brought any good to the galaxy and its inhabitants. He was aware of the mistakes made in the past and was certain that he would succeed where all the others failed.
Even lost in thought, Kylo realized that his world was mute and felt paralyzed. For months he had longed to feel it, and now he was feeling it.
Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, the bond was opening.
Kylo closed his eyes and waited for Rey to start yelling at him. But the seconds passed and the silence continued. He opened his eyes, turned in her direction, and found her sleeping soundly on his bed. She was lying in a fetal position, as if she felt cold or was trying to protect herself from something during her sleep. For a time he just stood there, staring at her, afraid to even breathe more deeply and the bond close.
After a few minutes he allowed himself to take a step toward her and then another, until he was at the side of the bed. He picked up his blanket and laid it over her body. His hands longed to touch her and when he realized, his right hand was inches from her face. It took a lot of willpower not to touch her. After a while, he sat on the bed beside her. And after what seemed like an eternity, he finally allowed himself to run his fingers lightly down her cheek. Her body radiated not only heat, but also a light that seemed to blend with his darkness rather than repel it.
He could hardly believe she was asleep in his bed, a few inches away from him. Finally he felt the emptiness in his soul diminish, being filled by her presence. Something like the feeling of being held in the arms of his parents when he was a child struck him and all he wanted was to be able to hold her in his arms, plunge into her light.
"I was so scared I couldn’t see you again. So afraid of being alone again."
His hands brushed a strand of hair from her sleeping face.
"Rey," he said, his voice only a whisper. "I think I love you."
He settled down beside her on the bed and smiled. "I wish I had said that before, back in the throne room. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let anyone into my heart at the time, but I'm ready now."
Kylo closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued, "I think I've loved you since the day I saw you in that forest in Takodana. When I came into your mind and saw all your loneliness and sorrow, all the fear and pain and all that you had lived, I felt as if I were seeing my reflection in a mirror. And I just started to get an idea of the size of this love when I had to watch Snoke torturing you. All my life he had been in my mind, whispering things, trying to show me the power of the dark side and what I was missing from not embracing the darkness inside me. It was hard to ignore his murmurs when I heard my parents talking about me as if I were some kind of monster and my father said it was all my mother's family's fault. Sometimes my parents would talk about me as if I weren’t their son, as if I were to blame for being so powerful in the Force. Snoke had fed all my fears and my uncertainties and when I discovered that Darth Vader was my grandfather and Luke tried to kill me, I realized everything my parents said was true, I just could be some kind of monster. I saw then that there was no more reason to fight and then I rejected the light and embraced my darkness. Snoke helped me escape from Luke's temple along with some other padawans, welcomed me as his apprentice and told me that I had inherited a glorious legacy and was destined to be the next Vader. That the galaxy would one day be ours, just as it had belonged to Vader and the Emperor. So Snoke became my master, my guide, the father figure I thought I needed and ... my true enemy."
"After being abandoned and betrayed by my family, I also abandoned my past and gladly embraced my grandfather's legacy. Everyone feared my dark side, so I worked hard to develop my skills and become stronger and stronger. I created Kylo Ren to be all that they thought Ben Solo was. During my training with Snoke I had to get rid of everything that made me who I was and he made sure that I would be a monster just like him, that I would be exactly the monster that everyone seemed to think I was. I have striven to meet all of Snoke's expectations. I committed countless atrocities to get what I wanted and others to ensure that Snoke and the First Order would rule the galaxy. I thought the ends justified the means, that any sacrifice would be worth it if in the end we triumphed. I really wanted to be the apprentice he expected me to be, yet the conflict inside me didn’t help at all and killing my father completely unbalanced me. "
"And of course none of us were counting on you to enter the game. My counterpart in the Force, the light for my darkness. Someone as strong as I am and with the soul so full of pain, fear and loneliness as mine. Snoke always thought I was the darkness for Luke's light and for a long time I also believed. We hunt Luke across the galaxy and then the Force awakened in you and our paths intersected. I'm sure Snoke bound our minds because he sensed my feelings for you before I even understood what I was feeling. He wanted to use both of us to be able to destroy Luke and the Jedi once and for all and thus leave the galaxy hopeless and completely at the mercy of the First Order. I knew Snoke just wanted to use my skills and that he would get rid of me when he could dominate the galaxy and I had no use for him, but I don’t think I really cared what my fate was. However, when he said that you would die of the cruelest form, I knew I couldn’t let that monster live any more day. And that I couldn’t live another day in a galaxy without you... But I know I'm a monster too. A monster who cares for someone else besides himself, but still a monster. And if there's one thing I've learned all these years along with Snoke is that monsters don’t have happy endings. Monsters only kill, destroy, and cause suffering. Monsters don’t love. The monsters always die."
He stopped talking and took a deep breath to calm himself. He felt his heart ache, but it was lighter after putting it all out. Even though Rey wasn’t listening.
"I love you too." Rey said beside him.
He felt himself paralyze for a moment. He opened his eyes and saw that she hadn’t only woken up as she was sitting on the bed watching him with eyes shining with tears streaming down her face. But there was a sweet smile on her lips as she repeated "I love you." in a loud, clear tone, as if to make sure he heard her.
He sat down and stared at her in wonder. And the only thing he could do was smile back at her.
"That smile suits you." she said, which made him smile even more. Her small hand moved and brushed a lock of hair from his face before resting it against his cheek with the scar, her thumb caressing his smiling lips. He felt himself melt over her touch, worshiping every new sensation that came along.
"Ben, I'm sorry you went through all this," she said as she hugged him. "I feel so much!"
"I thought you were asleep." he said, holding her tight against his body.
"I was, but I woke up when our bond opened." she whispered against the skin of his neck. "I was afraid of how you would react and I thought it best to pretend I was asleep."
"Then you heard everything I said."
"Yes, I heard every word."
"Rey, I missed you so much." He said and kissed her neck. "I thought you were going to start yelling at me when the bond connected us."
"I also thought the same." She pushed their bodies away so she could look into his eyes and smiled. "We didn’t separate on the best terms last time, did we?"
He looked away from her eyes.
"Not really." He ran his hand through her hair before continuing. "Rey, I'm sorry. I didn’t say anything of that trying to manipulate you. I ... I just thought that if you knew the truth, all the truth about your past, you would stand by me and share my path."
"I know. The Force was very wise in keeping us apart until we could understand everything that happened and what we really felt about each other."
"And I also didn’t say everything I said right now so you can change your mind..."
"Ben, I know." Rey interrupted him. "Believe me, I was very happy to know what happened to you, and especially how you feel about me."
"I know I have no right to be loved by... I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven for everything I've done ... I just wanted to be the monster everyone thought I was."
Rey approached him slowly. "And I know everyone thinks you and I should hate each other and fight until one destroys the other. The light against the darkness. But I feel that this isn’t what the Force wants from both of us. I know that's not what I want."
"I don’t want it either. I don’t want to harm you." He took her hand and brought it to his face. "Rey, I've never felt this way before. This is all so new, so strong and I don’t know what to do." He kissed her hand. "I just feel complete when I'm with you."
Rey brought her face close to his, still looking into his eyes, mere inches between their mouths. For a second, Kylo seemed to hesitate, but then, he broke the distance between them and kissed her.
Around them, the Force roared its approval.
The kiss was a meeting of lips, simple and inexperienced, but full of the love they felt for each other. His arms wrapped around her body. Her arms wrapped around his neck. Their mouths pressed and they felt their bodies catch fire. Suddenly, the touch of their lips didn’t seem to be enough contact. Rey's body pressed him back to the bed and their mouths parted, hesitant, uncertain, hungry.
They stared at each other in wonder as the bond faltered.
And before anyone could say or do anything, Kylo was alone again, staring at the ceiling with a broad smile on his face and the warm sensation of Rey's body in his.
***
That night Kylo Ren got to sleep. He slept a quiet sleep that left his body rested and well-disposed.
Only it wasn’t Kylo Ren who woke up on that new day.
The monster Kylo Ren had backed off and let Ben Solo emerge from the depths of his being. The monster wasn’t needed at the moment. He had been created to serve as a shield, an armor to keep Ben Solo safe, since only one monster would be strong enough to go through all that had happened and do all the terrible things necessary for Ben's survival. But for now, Kylo Ren could lower his guard and let Ben Solo enjoy the first good thing that had come his way in years.
Ben would be safe and happy beside Rey, even if the monster had to completely obliterate the First Order.