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If anything was a constant in Zeno’s life, it was the moon. So many things had come and gone, so many months and years of distraction, and when it was all over, he’d be left in the cold again, looking up at the bright spots in the sky, the largest of them glaring down at him.
It served as a reminder, when he was out here, alone, looking up at it. He'd always end up alone again.
“Zeno.”
Maybe if he was younger he’d have flinched. Instead, he just calmly turned, meeting the vibrant eyes - eyes which quickly dodged the contact. Zeno smiled. Shin-ah shouldn’t be afraid of his ability, should have faith in his own gentility. But he’d learn that on his own, with this family around him.
“How are you doing?” Zeno asked brightly, eyes soaking in the look of Shin-ah lit so brightly by his namesake. Shin-ah looked down after a moment, then trudged closer.
“Why aren’t you asleep? I’m used to you holding onto my fluff.”
Zeno turned back to the sky. “I’m an old man~ I don’t need bedtimes.”
He felt Shin-ah’s gaze. The concern pouring from him. He turned to the boy, smiling brightly.
“There’s no need to worry about Zeno! This just happens every once in a while.”
Shin-ah’s fists clenched, the closest he ever got to expressing frustration. He looked down, a tiny little knot between his brows, and Zeno’s heart sank at the sight. He cared too much about Shin-ah.
He’d known it when he first felt his heart clench at the sight of him glowing in the sun. When he was at peace with every smile. When he slept easily for the first time in so, so many years, with that man by his side.
But he still knew the truth. It was too much. He wasn’t going through that pain again.
“Zeno…”
Zeno frowned. “What about you? Why can’t you sleep?”
“I’m used to you holding onto my fluff,” Shin-ah repeated, and with a harsh thud Zeno realised that was actually the sole reason, not a half-hearted excuse to start a conversation. He’d hoped it was a half-hearted excuse.
Maybe Shin-ah saw something strange on his face, because he looked away, the faintest colour visible on his cheeks in this light.
Shin-ah opened his mouth to say something else, probably to diffuse the tension, but nothing came out, and instead the man stood there with his mouth open and his eyes searching the darkness. But Zeno couldn’t let him suffer like that. He laughed, light and too hesitant, but he did what he could to lighten the mood.
“Isn’t Ao enough for that?” Zeno asked brightly, but apparently it was the wrong thing to say, because Shin-ah’s shoulders slumped and he only looked down. Zeno hopped off his rock, moving towards the taller man.
“You’re… you’re different,” Shin-ah said, so quietly Zeno could hardly hear over the faint wind. Zeno saw him visibly shaking, and though it was cold, it wasn’t that cold.
“Shin-ah…” Zeno took a few steps closer, and Shin-ah looked up, meeting his eyes. At first he looked away fast, like a frightened cat, but then quickly those beautiful eyes found Zeno’s again, and they were locked in the contact.
Zeno, in spite of all his better nature, kept stepping closer. Until he could feel Shin-ah’s body warmth, could just reach out and take Shin-ah’s hand…
The two of them stared down at the interlocking fingers. Zeno took one final step forwards, leaning his head against Shin-ah’s chest.
For one beautiful moment, he felt calm. Salve in all his wounds. This was all he’d ever needed.
And then all the pain to come hit him, and he stepped back, shaking his head. Shin-ah’s eyes were wide - the poor boy, he didn’t realise what Zeno had been through. He knew, but he could never understand, so the tears in Zeno’s eyes, the speed with which he fled - it was all a mystery to him.
No more words were said between them over the next day. When Zeno slept, it was with his back to Shin-ah. When they met eyes they each quickly looked away.
Every time Zeno saw Shin-ah alone, looking crushed, he felt all his insides wither. If only he’d died so long ago. If only some miracle could end him now. It would only be better for the poor man.
But, as usual, it didn’t. They both survived, they both travelled in silence. Hak bickering with Yona, Yoon engaged in some drama between Jaeha and Kija, and then Zeno and Shin-ah, opposite one another as the group made their slow way.
That night Zeno found himself alone with the moon again, staring up at it with the memory of last night swirling through his mind. He was an idiot. An impulsive idiot who lost his mind around the man who was capturing his heart. Now he was just hurting someone who’d come so far, become so brave…
“Zeno.”
He winced, closing his eyes for a moment.
“You should sleep,” he said, but he was sure the misery showed through in his voice.
“Yoon said… you’re…”
Zeno opened his eyes, looking down. What would Yoon have to say? The boy was wise beyond his years. He'd never even noticed Yoon speaking to Shin-ah.
Shin-ah swallowed. “He said you’re being unfair.”
That wasn’t what he’d expected. A gentle explanation of Zeno’s situation, maybe. This seemed harsh for Yoon.
Being unfair.
Unfair to Shin-ah.
It was true. If Zeno was going to lose his self-control like that, abandon him in the end…
Zeno wiped an eye. “I’m sorry. He’s right.”
“H-he said you should have… talked about your issue.”
Zeno nodded, eyes still stinging with tears. He was glad Shin-ah couldn’t see him.
But that thought made him turn around. Shin-ah deserved to see.
The boy’s eyes, so familiar, yet so unique, widened at the sight of Zeno’s tears. “I can’t die, Shin-ah.” He said. “I’ll lose you in the end.”
His voice broke. And it occurred to him that he didn’t even know what Shin-ah thought of him. Maybe he’d misunderstood everything.
The shatters just dug into him further.
“You’re protecting yourself?” Shin-ah’s eyes were wet too, now. He blinked them away, sniffled adorably - how was he adorable even now?
Zeno shook his head. “No. I’m protecting both of us. All of us.” He wiped his eyes, pulling himself together. He looked up for a moment, at the moon that only reminded him of the boy in front of him. Then he grinned. “Someone needs to, right?”
Shin-ah wasn’t phased. “Yoon said you’re just hurting yourself. And me.”
Damn it. That was true, too.
“Don’t you think pain has a measure?” Zeno said quietly. He gave up on his bright front. He looked Shin-ah dead in the eye, sincerely waiting for an answer.
Shin-ah just shook his head. He left them in silence.
And this was better than losing him, right?
Zeno tried to climb the small hillside, but hardly got his feet hovering over the ground before he fell. He laughed, convincing the others he was alright, as usual, and reached up for help like Yoon had.
Instead of Jaeha assisting him, as with Yoon, the youngest himself just stood at the edge, staring down at him. His blue eyes were hard and sharp.
“Pull yourself together, Zeno,” he said coldly. Talking about more than just the climb. Zeno’s smile faded for a moment, and then he brightened again, laughing nervously and scratching the back of his neck. Rolling his eyes, Yoon crouched down, offering a hand and a warm smile which flooded Zeno with relief. He hadn’t alienated Yoon yet.
It crushed him that surely, he’d lost Shin-ah by now.
Lost him anyway.
Maybe he was a fool.
When Zeno settled down to sleep, Shin-ah wasn’t there for him to put his back to. Just Jaeha and Kija, facing one another, giving Zeno all the space in the world.
Suddenly, Zeno missed Shin-ah’s fluff. He missed pressing himself against Shin-ah’s back, ducking his head into the crook of his neck. He missed his warmth, his stability, his softness.
And then he realised what an idiot he was.
Sleepily, he sat up, wiping his eyes and standing. As quietly as he could he left the camp, glancing up at the sky, where the moon reached its largest size. Tomorrow it would be gone, for the night. He stared up at it and moved forwards.
It figured, that that was how he eventually found his way to Shin-ah. The man was sitting much like Zeno had the past few nights, in the best vantage point in their newest camp, staring up at it.
“I’m sorry.”
The words came out of Zeno’s mouth before he decided to say them. Shin-ah flinched, turned quickly - so young, he had no reason to unlearn that primal fear of being crept up on.
“Zeno,” he said, his voice congested, his cheeks glossy with tears. Zeno’s heart hurt for a moment, and then he decided not to settle with that. He rushed forwards. Though slowing down occurred to him he instead tackled the other man to the ground, playing just like when they'd first reunited.
Beneath him, Shin-ah’s eyes were bright and wide. Unable to hold back, Zeno wiped his tears for him, staring down at him and hoping everything he felt for the other man was showing on his face. But the impulse had hit him again - he shouldn’t assume anything, and he’d been wrong to approach it like this, so he started to shift himself off until Shin-ah gripped his waist, pulling him back. He laughed a little as he looked down at the other man.
Shin-ah smiled back, eyes crinkling, relief all over his features, and the peace that flooded Zeno was almost enough to wash out the stress.
“I’m sorry. Zeno’s going to focus on what Shin-ah deserves from now on, okay?”
Shin-ah gulped. “Do you… want to?”
Zeno nodded. “Zeno- no, I love you. I want to be around you all the time. I want to see you smile. Never let me make you cry again, okay?”
Shin-ah’s eyes were still watering, and Zeno shook his head fast, gently picking the tears up from Shin-ah’s lower lashes.
“Please smile,” Zeno said desperately. When Shin-ah laughed, Zeno was filled with that peace again.
Shin-ah stopped laughing then, for a moment, worry crossing his face. While Zeno’s fears hit him - what had he done wrong? How had he ruined things? - Shin-ah closed the distance, clumsily pressing warm lips against Zeno's.
And then, while they kissed under that moonlight, Zeno knew that from now on, no matter what, the moon would remain a constant in his life.
Shin-ah would need to leave him behind, like all the others - but that didn't mean Zeno had to lose him.