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As the stars twinkled merrily up above them in a dark sky; Juhani realized if not for the first time that she was in love with Belaya. Likely not the first time she recognized it. Perhaps, now was a point that she finally had a name for what she felt.
Love.
Attachment.
Her brow twitched as she thought about it.
Love was a piece of attachment; something the Jedi taught to young initiates and Padawans was forbidden. A thing to be avoided among Jedi.
Masters and apprentices formed training bonds. That was a form of attachment in Juhani’s mind. Why did the Code allow for that, but no other attachment?
She turned her head slightly to look at the young human laying on the ground with her. Breathing in her scent, Juhani knew she could count the dots –freckles her friend called them– that lined Belaya’s skin. And knew how many patterns were formed by them.
She doubted that her love for Belaya and the friendship they shared would be the downfall of either of them as Jedi.
“I can feel you staring, Juhani.”
She heard the smile in Belaya’s voice and smiled slightly.
“Perhaps I’m staring because I found something that equals the beauty of the stars.”
Immediately, Juhani turned away and wanted to rip her tongue out she hadn’t meant to let those words leave the safety of her mind. She felt Belaya’s stare on her and the surprise that fluttered in the field around them in the wake of her words.
“Juhani –” Belaya started to say.
“I apologize, Belaya. Please do not turn me into the Masters for evaluation,” Juhani whispered fretfully.
Juhani’s startled when Belaya gently touched her cheek and turned her face back towards her. She kept her eyes tightly closed.
“Juhani. Look at me,” Belaya commanded softly.
Unwilling, she opened her eyes and met Belaya’s gaze. Belaya’s lovely brown eyes were dark with concern and another emotion that Juhani did not wish to name. She smiled slightly when their gazes met.
“There you are,” Belaya said gently.
“Belaya –” Juhani starts, only Belaya to shush her.
“Don’t worry, Juhani. I won’t give you to the Masters for evaluation.” Belaya stated softly, watching her as her thumb traced little circles into Juhani’s skin. “But…”
“But?” Juhani repeated watching her friend.
“But not everyone isn’t so aware and self-assured of their feelings as you are, Juhani. Least of all Jedi. All I ask to be allowed time to sort out my feelings during the ending years of our time as Padawans. Can I be allowed that?” Belaya said softly, her thumb still traced little circles in Juhani’s skin.
Careful to not dislodge Belaya’s hand on her check, Juhani moved to touch her forehead to Belaya’s forehead. She forced herself to smile, knowing that there was a chance that her friend harbored similar feelings.
“Of course you can,” Juhani murmured.
Then she was surprised when Belaya tenderly kissed her forehead and looked into her eyes with a small smile.
“Thank you, Juhani.”
On the eve of their Knighting, Belaya took her aside and in secret gave Juhani a thin necklace made of some ribbon-like material that had different colored stones that surrounded one bigger stone with stars painted on its surface from Dantoonie’s surface.
Then after everyone had gone to bed, she led Juhani outside and kissed her under the stars.
*
A newly Knighted Juhani found herself trembling as news of the attack by the Sith fleet on the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine made itself heard through the holo-emitter in the common area of the Ebon Hawk. It was odd to feel so removed from the destruction of the place that had been her home for so long.
She had no idea what to think or to allow herself to feel. Part of her hoped that Belaya hadn’t been present at the Enclave when the attack happened.
Juhani closed her eyes as she sensed the others turn their attention to her. She wanted to scream at them to not look at her.
‘Release your emotions into the Force. Do not bury and let them overwhelm you in an unsuspecting moment, Padawan.’
She left the common area quickly and retreated to the room that had been claimed as hers when she joined the crew. Juhani knelt down on the little blue-grey meditation rug she had brought with her from the Enclave. The writhing emotions she released into the Force as her Master had taught her.
The necklace Belaya had given her sat warm around Juhani’s neck.
A knock jarred her from the mediation. Juhani opened her eyes and looked up to find that Mission stood in the doorway, her eyes locked on her. Or rather the necklace around her neck.
“Did you want something?” Juhani asked quietly.
“Carth was concerned and wanted to check on you. Revan was concerned but thought it best to leave you alone for a bit,” answered Mission and shook her head slowly.
“What of yourself, Mission?” Juhani said breathing out calmly.
“A little of both worlds so I have come to check on you. Though that necklace of yours caught my attention, I thought Jedi weren’t supposed to have such things?” Mission asked peering at the necklace with interest.
“It was a gift,” Juhani stated calmly.
“From a husband or a lover?” Mission asked.
“A Jedi would not have that which the Code deemed a distraction,” Juhani answered and looked at Mission meaningfully.
“Of course not. I do hope though that your friend survived that attack on the Enclave,” Mission said as her lips twitched to an almost grin.
Juhani stared out the viewport at the stars beyond it and fingered the necklace gently while Mission left her room. She also hoped that Belaya managed to survive the attack as well. Or that she hadn’t even been on the planet at the time it happened.
“As do I.”
*
Juhani leaned slightly against a rail and watched the celebrations below her as everyone celebrated the defeat of Darth Malak and his fleet with the destruction of the StarForge. She walked to the ruined wall when Mission and Carth had followed the example of Revan and Bastila kissed and looked away to a distant point.
A moment passed before someone joined her though she did not look at them immediately.
“I would like to be alone.”
The person doesn’t leave her alone, when she’s about to snap at them to leave her alone, they speak over her.
“Waiting for something? Or rather someone?”
Startled she looked up to meet the amused hazel eyes of her dearest friend and secret lover, Belaya smiled softly at her confusion and gently touched Juhani’s arm above her wrist.
“I–Belaya,” Juhani breathed out, her shock echoed in the Force around them.
“Hello, Juhani,” Belaya responded softly.
“You’re here. Alive.” Juhani stated as her shock calmed.
“Yes. I was off planet and on a mission, when the attack happened,” Belaya responded, her expression apologetic. “I apologize for not contacting you sooner. I have been trying to find you ever since, Juhani.”
“I’m glad that you’re here with me now,” Juhani said as she leaned towards Belaya with a small smile on her face.
They kissed under the light of the stars.