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Deran’s hand shook slightly as he smoked his cigarette. What the hell was he even doing? He had the perfect out. Linc was done with him after the fiasco at the bar. And, although Deran had thrown an epic tantrum, the truth was that he had felt relieved. Linc was too good for him. Hot, educated, clean. It was only a matter of time before Linc ended it. So, really, what the hell was he doing?
Yet here he was at his bar. At a table hidden away in a corner. And of course Adrian had to show up. He was obviously there to see Deran. And yet, he had taken one look at Deran and his companion and abruptly turned the other way before Deran could even nod in greeting. Now he sat at the bar alone. Nursing a beer and looking miserable.
Linc took a sip of his own beer and raised an eyebrow at Deran. Deran extended his cigarette in offering and Linc shook his head. Did he even smoke? There was just so little Deran actually knew about the guy.
“Look Deran, I could’ve mailed you your shirt.”
“I don’t care about the shirt.”
“Then why are we here?”
“I wanted to apologize. Again. About what happened. Craig shouldn’t have called you. He was just trying to look out for me.”
“It’s fine. It’s done.”
“And so are we?”
Linc finished his beer with one long swallow and set the bottle down on the table. “Done with what? Deran, I don’t know what this even is.” He gestured between them. “We surf, we ride, get lunch, have a drink, we fuck. But you’ve always got one foot out the door.”
Deran nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Linc’s expression softened. “I like you, man. I don’t know you that well but I’d like to.”
Deran looked up, surprised. “Even after . . . .”
Linc nodded. He reached his hand out tentatively and placed it over Deran’s.
Deran’s gaze immediately flew to Adrian. Deran was out now but that didn’t mean that he was comfortable with public displays of affection. Or even private displays, if he was being honest with himself. Had he ever held Adrian’s hand? Even alone at night in Adrian’s bedroom? He was pretty sure he hadn’t. He and Adrian weren’t that type. Or maybe Adrian was but was afraid to be that way with Deran? Why was he still fucking thinking about Adrian?
Linc turned in the direction of Deran’s gaze and pulled his hand away. “Seriously?”
But Deran grabbed it back. “It’s cool, man. I just don’t want to hurt him.”
“For real?”
Deran nodded.
Linc thought a moment before squeezing Deran’s hand. “Then let’s get another round.” He smiled. “On you.”
Deran laughed. Linc was giving him another chance. He couldn’t believe his luck.
The night went well. Drinks turned into dinner. Linc entertained Deran with stories from the hospital. “Dude, your job sounds way scarier than motor cross.”
“No joke. Being an ED nurse is one of the most dangerous jobs in the country.”
“For real, man?”
“Yeah, people get stabbed, jumped. All kinds of crazy shit goes down. You never know who’s gonna walk through the doors. I guess that’s why I like it.”
“Adrenaline junkie.”
“You know it.”
“Same, man, same.” Deran leaned forward as they clinked their bottles together. Deran was feeling good. Buzzed, turned on. And he could tell from his expression than Linc was feeling it too. But then a jerky movement caused Deran’s gaze to shift once again. Adrian, getting off his stool, so drunk he could barely stand.
Deran tried to look away, to focus on Linc. But then Adrian slapped a stack of dollars down on the bar and Deran was at his side. Deran took hold of him by the elbow. “Hey, hey. Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“How? You planning to drive?”
“I’m fine.”
“You are not fine. You’re completely shit faced and you’re not driving anywhere.”
Adrian looked away, embarrassed. Deran had seen Adrian drunk before but not like this. Something wasn’t right with him. Deran ducked his head lower in an attempt to make eye contact but Adrian wouldn’t look at him. “What’s up with you?”
“Like you fucking care.” He said it so quietly that Deran barely heard.
Adrian tried to squirm out of his grasp but Deran held on. “I do care.” He gestured in Linc’s direction. “You said you were cool with it.”
Adrian finally looked at him. His eyes were wet. “You’re an idiot, Deran.” And then he jerked his arm out of Deran’s grasp and took off for the door.
It took Deran a moment but then he was following. He had just made it out the door when Linc was beside him. “Seriously, dude?!”
“I can’t let him drive like this. He’s a mess.”
“Then call him a fucking Uber.”
Deran saw the challenge in his eyes. He turned to see that Adrian was right there, watching.
Linc took Deran by the shoulder and turned him towards him. “Enough of this shit. He’s a big boy. Put him in a car or we’re fucking done.”
Deran took in the set of Linc’s jaw, the intensity of his grip on Deran. Was he serious? If he went after Adrian, would that really be the end?
With a bit of a surprise, Deran realized he didn’t care. He put a hand on Linc’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, man.”
Deran barely registered Linc’s “Are you fucking kidding me?” as he made his way to Adrian, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Come on. You’ll stay with me tonight.”
Deran led Adrian to his room in the back. Deran tried to get Adrian undressed but he collapsed, stretching out on Deran’s couch.
“That’s great. Where am I supposed to sleep?”
“Don’t care.” Adrian muttered, closing his eyes.
Deran’s hands went into fists. He instinctually wanted to punch something. “What exactly is your problem?”
“Nothing. I’ll leave in the morning. Same as always.”
Deran was about to storm out. Fuck this guy. He could have been banging Linc on that very couch right now. He was about to leave, slam the door and get himself a fucking drink. But something about the sight of Adrian on the couch looking so distraught made his chest ache.
Going against his instincts, he sat down on the floor beside Adrian. Deeply uncomfortable, he touched the other man’s arm. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what you want.”
Adrian opened his eyes and looked at Deran with surprise. He started to say something and then closed his mouth again. He shook his head.
“No really. Tell me.”
“I waited for you to come out. To accept yourself. And then you finally did. But I’m still just the guy you bang in secret.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, Deran. And I can’t even be mad at you because I gave you permission. So I’m just hurt and mad at myself for still being here, caring about you even when you don’t care about me.”
And there was that ache again. Like nothing he’d ever felt. “I do care about you.”
“Right. Because we grew up together. Because you feel guilty for beating me up.”
“No. I mean, yes, I do feel those things. But it’s more. And I guess that’s why I liked being with Linc. Because it was easy and fun and I didn’t actually care about him. But with you . . .”
Deran trailed off and Adrian sat up. “With me, what?”
“With you I do care. So much. And that scares me, I guess. Because nothing good in my life ever lasts.”
There was silence as Adrian looked at him and Deran started to feel embarrassed. Why had he said that shit? And then Adrian laughed, making everything worse. Deran stood. “You know what? Fuck you, man. I pour my fucking heart out to you and you laugh in my face.”
But Adrian quickly stood and grabbed him. “No, I’m not laughing at you. It just struck me as funny that that’s the most you’ve ever said to me about your feelings. In all these years.”
Deran forced himself to look at Adrian. “And?”
Adrian slid his arms around Deran’s neck. “And I feel the same way.”
Deran steadied a swaying Adrian. “And because you’re wasted.”
Adrian turned serious and then pressed his face into Deran’s chest. “Yes, I’m wasted. And I love you.”
Deran gently deposited Adrian onto the couch and covered him in a blanket. It took about a minute for Adrian to pass out. Deran was relieved. He definitely wasn’t ready to say those words back to Adrian. Growing up a Cody, Deran didn’t know much about love. But as he watched Adrian sleep, he knew he would do anything to keep him safe and happy. Deran gently brushed the hair from Adrian’s face. He had no idea what the future held. But they’d figure it out. And they’d be together. From now on. No one else.
“Sleep it off, kid. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”