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With a lump in his throat, Eren knocks on the door to Levi's quarters. Normally, this wouldn't phase him - it's a part of his weekly routine, to spend an evening with Levi, sipping on tea steeped to perfection.
But it's different this time… Commander Erwin… His death and the following conflict sparked a quiet period between Eren and his Captain. The silence was practically deafening and not even Eren and his big mouth have broken that silence as of yet. It has been days - much too long.
Eren clutches the tin caddy in his hands until his fingertips turn white. His peace offering seems measly, but the few grams of tea leaves had been expensive, even after trying to bargain with the merchant. The tea is one of the black ones Levi enjoys, with its citrus pieces and little purple flowers. It's not enough, but it'll have to do… Levi isn't materialistic in any way, but Eren found himself lost for what else he could offer.
He shuffles his feet anxiously as he stands at the door, the dark wood stares back at him, unforgiving. Eren hears no stirring from the other side of the door, so he knocks again. If Levi chooses to ignore him this time, he will leave and try again another night.
But then there's the unmistakable sound of a chair scraping against flooring and footsteps, Eren straightens his back instinctually as Levi opens the door. His expression is blank, eyes unseeing as he looks up at Eren.
Captain Levi has had this look about him since that day… He comes across unfeeling, just like those dolls with the chalky faces and glass eyes that stare from shop windows in Sina. It unsettles Eren, to see him this way.
He's certain this must be the image of Levi that the people who don't know him see day to day. But not Eren, he has seen Levi’s secretive smile, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes after a particularly good shit joke. Eren has seen a version of Levi who is concerned for his subordinates, a Levi who looks after those around him with all he has.
This version of Levi… He may as well be as dead as the person he mourns.
Eren clears his throat, “Captain. Permission to enter?”
Levi merely turns his back and walks into his room, returning to his seat at the wooden table in his kitchen area. He leaves the door hanging open, which Eren interprets as his silent version of permission.
The room is dark and Eren is struck with the realisation that none of Levi's lamps are lit, with no light from outside at this late hour, the room is dingy and uninviting. It's not the same as usual, no soft glow of candle light or flames at the stove. It's cold.
Eren shuts the door behind him and sets to work - he flits around as Levi sits motionless, never once raising his head to watch his subordinate's movements. He lights two oil lamps, one at Levi's bedside table and one in the kitchen, before lighting a thick white candle on a dish at the table's center.
When Eren makes his way to the stove, he realises there's still embers glowing there; they look as if they had been waiting for him, hungry and impatient as they shift red, to orange, to yellow. So, he tasks himself with getting a proper fire burning again.
Eren is familiar with Levi's kitchen, finds the kettle without hassle and fills it with enough water for two people. He places it to boil on the stove and readies Levi's glass teapot, it's a beautiful luxury… It must be the most expensive thing that Levi owns - Eren wonders how long he must have saved to have bought it. He takes extra care as he handles the delicate item.
Wrestling with the caddy he brought with him, Eren places just enough leaves for the two of them into the pot, before adding the hot water. He carries the teapot and two cups on a tray to the table, careful not to trip, before taking the chair opposite Levi.
“I couldn't afford much… But it's the one you like. I remembered what the leaves looked like and the smell,” Eren offers. “But I don't recall how long to steep it.”
Levi looks up from the table, where he picks at a dint in the dark wood. His hand moves over to the teapot and removes the lid, inhaling the scented steam. His eyes slip shut and Eren bites at his bottom lip, the skin already torn from anxious chewing.
“Five minutes… For the citrus taste to come through,” Levi states, his voice is quiet and hushed from disuse. Eren thinks that the flicker of the candle between them is louder, the crackle of the stove’s fire easier heard.
Eren exhales deeply, relief after Levi's few words flooding his form. It's more than what Levi has uttered to him all week.
Levi picks up the minute sand timer Eren had brought to the table and with delicate fingers, he turns it until the sand starts to fall. It's soothing to watch, Levi's hand movements precise and measured.
Levi's eyes raise to meet Eren's briefly, before flitting away. “Why?”
Eren is confused, goes to open his mouth, but Levi raises a hand to stop the question passing his lips. “This tea, its expensive. Why would you spend your earnings on such a frivolous thing?”
Eren knits his eyebrows together, frowns. “It's not frivolous. It's for you,” he explains. “If you like it, then it's not a waste.”
Levi raises one thin eyebrow in challenge, Eren is surprised he has the will to fight. Even if the expression offered is contempt, Eren feels satisfaction that he's getting something in return for his efforts.
His Captain's face tells Eren that that isn't the answer he wants to hear, he acknowledges that Eren is dancing around the truth and Levi hates that - always has.
“It's a peace offering,” Eren admits, trying to make eye contact as Levi pointedly avoids it. “You've been quiet - said nothing to me for days. I know you… I'm aware this is hard. And I know what I did - Mikasa and I... I'm so sorry.”
Levi rolls his eyes, turns the sand timer once more, “Do you regret what you did?"
Eren bristles, teeth clenching before he says, "No, but I mean-"
Levi cuts him off, finally making eye contact, "Then don't apologise. Simple as - you made a choice you wouldn't regret. Stick to it... I don't need your pity."
The brunette frowns deeply, how can Levi believe this is pity? Eren raises his hands in a placating gesture, “You don't have to deal with this alone. I know this feeling…”
Levi scrunches his eyes tight, pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes out harshly. “You don't. No one does.”
“But I do, we're all suffering this," Eren insists.
Levi turns to Eren with a glare, his eyes are glassy in the candle’s glow. It's the closest to crying Eren has ever seen Levi. At times he's wondered if the man is even possible of such a thing, weakness doesn't settle easily with his Captain.
“None of you… How could you possibly know? Erw-” Levi's voice catches in his throat, and Eren watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows deeply, “That man did terrible things, made choices no one else had the guts to. But isn’t it the right of every human to die once gray haired; to pass surrounded by those who love you, in a soft bed.”
Levi stops, yet Eren still says nothing lest the other man wishes to continue. Levi's always been a man of few words, if Eren interrupts now, he may not say anything further.
He casts his eyes over to the timer, now forgotten, but assumes the tea must be adequately brewed. He pours two shares and nudges Levi's cup across the table.
As the older takes a sip of his tea, Eren sees his hands shake slightly, through cold or anxiety he cannot tell. Then his cup is placed down upon the table and he opens his mouth to speak once more.
“You cannot possibly know, since I was the only one left who- for Erwin, no one else…” Levi clears his throat and Eren hears his breath stutter as he exhales deeply.
It goes unsaid what Levi means, but Eren understands - he was the only one left who actually loved Erwin. No one else needed Erwin like Levi does... Did. Eren knows that for certain, others maybe not.
“And for me… It's the same. Sort of.” Levi laughs bitterly, it's harsh and short, an unfamiliar sound to Eren, “I guess he never truly felt the same way, but it was close enough.”
A lump forms in Eren's throat. He wishes he could let his feelings be known, but now isn't the time - maybe there never will be a correct time. Eren can tell that Levi truly believes the only one left who loved him is gone, and he can say nothing to contest it without ruining things.
Levi is Eren's superior, in rank and age. Not to mention how Levi's heart aches for a man he can no longer have. A person in mourning isn't a person to confess to, no matter how deep your own feelings. No matter what Eren says it cannot help his Captain, his friend.
Instead of words of reassurance, Eren offers physical support. He reaches forward with his feet under the table, resting his socked toes against Levi's bare feet. He can feel the cold of Levi's skin through the fabric warming his own.
The contact must be somewhat comforting to Levi, because he continues despite his voice sounding rough and spent, “I didn't even get a true goodbye.”
Eren nods, thinks carefully about what he is to say in return. He's so terrible with comfort, he finds he has a harsh nature - he is awkward with kindness; his tongue more used to wrapping around insults.
“I'm sorry… I didn't mean to assume. But with my mother, it- I never imagined that she would leave so suddenly either. No goodbye, no kiss farewell,” Eren's eyes sting and he takes a sip of tea to expel the tight feeling constricting his throat. “In this world, we cannot expect anything of the sort. But I understand the longing - it aches. Food doesn't stay down and you can't sleep. But you cannot give up. I won't let you.”
Eren realises he raised his voice slightly towards the end and he feels awful as he watches Levi’s eyes widen. So much for trying to provide comfort. But then again, the boy feels satisfied as his Captain really looks at him, truly sees him instead of that blank stare.
Levi nods once, a definitive motion and drinks the last of his tea down. “I see… How there's a similarity…” He nods, a subtle inclination of his head, “Can't you see, though? I am trying.”
Eren scowls, he wouldn't dream of shouting at Levi outside of this room, but his Captain's quarters provide a neutral zone - this is a place where two friends share tea and troubles. “You think ignoring help and concern is trying? Sitting here in the dark, wishing to get ill with no fire burning and little clothing? Not showing up to meals at all.. You don't get to act this way!”
“Maybe I do! Just this once!” Levi demands, he barely raises his voice, but shock registers in Eren's chest. His heart skips a beat and he feels nauseous. Levi exhales deeply and when he speaks again, his tone lacks that angry edge. He just sounds tired. “I just… Want to stop. For a little while.”
Eren presses his feet down against Levi's before standing, a last attempt at solidifying his support. Its weak but he doesn't know how else to navigate this… In a world of loss, how is it that he's still so fucking awful at supporting someone through grief.
“Get up, I'm putting you to bed,” Eren states, pulling on the sleeve of Levi's shirt.
Levi doesn't even fight, he pushes his chair away from the table and makes his way to the bed area of his room. He drags his feet across the cold flooring, sluggish as if each muscle were painful to move.
The light in the room is dim yet inviting, the soft glow of the oil lamp seems to expel the dark feeling settling in Eren's chest. The realisation that he can't truly help, only watch on as things get worse. But he can try, he has to.
Eren digs around in Levi's single clothing drawer and after finding a pair of thick socks, he walks over to the bed where his Captain perches on the edge.
Levi is built and strong, never a presence unnoticed despite his height, but right now Eren watches as he curls in on himself. He sits with his arms wrapped around his waist and head bowed into his chest. It's awful, he seems too small.
The brunette sits at his Captain's feet on his haunches and pats his knee, Levi merely raises an eyebrow in question, apparently having used up his word quota for the day at the table. Eren just forces out a smile in return.
“Foot, now,” the command is softly spoken into the silence of Levi’s room. It's still, all but for the rustling of bedsheets and their breathing.
Levi complies, lifts his foot to rest on Eren's offered knee. He takes the first sock and dusts the sole of Levi's foot off, his skin is freezing to the touch and Eren feels a sense of satisfaction as he slips the sock over the other man's foot and pulls up as far as it'll go. His movements are clumsy as he continues onto the other foot, but he gets the job done.
“Now lay back, I'll sort the candle and oil lamps… The stove will burn through the night I expect, it'll keep you warm,” Eren says, feeling his hands being to sweat. It's very unlike him to try and exert authority over Levi but this situation is different. Levi isn't himself and Eren has to help… In any way he can. “If I don't see you at breakfast tomorrow I'll come and fetch you myself. Understood?”
Levi grunts, burying his face into his pillow and Eren interprets it as a good enough acknowledgement. He nods assertively and makes to leave, extinguishing the bedside oil lamp and making his way to the table.
Once in the kitchen area, Eren uses a small silver spoon to fish the aromatic leaves from the bottom of Levi's teapot and sets them into a shallow dish to reuse another evening. He places the teapot and cups into the sink and rinses them and sets them to the side to drain.
Instead of extinguishing the oil lamp in the kitchen, Eren merely dampens the flame and takes it with him to the door. It's much darker now, in comparison to when he had set out to Levi's quarters and will borrow it to light his way.
“Good night, Levi,” he whispers into the darkness.
Silence follows, and whether Levi has fallen asleep or is merely ignoring Eren he cannot tell. But he leaves his Captain feeling lighter than before, a weight has been lifted now the silence between them is broken… The knot in his chest is now part unravelled as he has taken the steps towards helping Levi, extended his hand to be taken.
It'll be okay, he's sure of it.