Work Text:
I am afraid. Why am I afraid?
I've grown up scared to face my fears, to take a stand, to fight.
Society put these fears in my head and told me these are the rules to follow
And no one questions why.
Why should we follow them? Why do they matter? Why, are they true?
We judge people before we speak to them, we hide from those we think look bad,
and we share our fears with those who in turn, believe the same as us.
I am afraid. Why am I afraid?
I wanna walk home alone at night in the dark and not be paranoid.
I wanna walk home without constantly looking over my shoulder,
to not be afraid of someone coming up behind me with bad intentions.
To not think someone is out to get me, rape me, or kill me as I walk home from school,
and to not be relieved as I stand in my doorway thinking to myself "I made it home alive."
I wanna be confident enough to not ask my friends to walk home with me "just in case"
As if I know something bad will happen if I go alone.
I ask myself why?
Why do I hold my bag closer to me when I walk by strangers on the street who look different?
Why do I pull my belongings closer when someone I don't know sits beside me on the bus?
Why have I been conditioned to feel this way about strangers, who probably think the same
of me, as I do of them?
I am afraid. Why am I afraid?
Is it because I was born a girl? If I was born a boy, would I still feel this way?
Why has society conditioned young girls to feel scared around men?
I was sixteen. My first love, I loved with all my heart.
I was scared to say no. If I didn't do what he wanted would he be unhappy, disappointed?
If I did not give myself to him, would he leave me?
I was wrong. For two years all I saw was love, support, respect, and trust.
He always asked before doing anything new. Was I alright? Was this ok?
If I was ever uncomfortable, everything stopped. Because my safety and trust were his top priorities.
When I was finally completely vulnerable with him, I thought I would be scared. I wasn't.
As by that time I knew I could trust him to stop at the slightest hint of my discomfort.
I was told men are all the same. He taught me that this is not true.
He made me question all these things about myself that I grew up believing.
I became stronger, more confident with him. Yes I was still afraid of the world,
but the world seemed less scary with him by my side.
He is gone from my side now, but I still feel his presence when I walk down the street at night.
Walking with me. Protecting me.
I am afraid, but I see now that all these fears are just inside my head.