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Eren turns up the radio and rolls down both front windows. The Summer heat feels nonexistent as he hurtles down the back roads, wind filling the car and whipping his hair about his face. Dust flies up behind him as he pushes his foot down, desperate to focus on anything but his thoughts.
Eren can't help but cast his mind back to this afternoon, his blinding panic and how he lashed out at Levi as he tried to help - his boyfriend's unfaltering calmness in answer to Eren's anxious shouting.
“Go to the beach, okay? Go, and come home when you feel able to be around other people.”
And, so, that's where Eren is going.
The fact that he is heading off where Levi told him to leaves a bitterness creeping up his throat, like the acrid taste of vomit. Levi knows him so well… The beach is where Eren goes when things feel broken, when he feels damaged and hurt. It's a place of healing.
Pulling up against a grassy verge, Eren removes his shoes. He merely slips them off, laces left untied in his hurry to leave the house. Remove himself from Levi's space, anything to stop himself upsetting his partner He leaves his shoes in his car, unneeded, before jumping out.
The sand has travelled over the dunes on the wind, and the road is scattered with the gritty particles. Just the feeling of it under his bare feet is enough to fill Eren's chest with something lighter than guilt, softer than dread.
With tears still forming tracks on his cheeks, he climbs the dunes until he reaches the top. From his vantage point, Eren can see the horizon spread out in front of him. The ocean seems never ending from where he stands, deep blue and stirring lazily in the dying sunlight.
It's still warm, for the evening, but at the crest of the dunes, a cold wind blows Eren's hair away from his face. The frigid air chills his damp cheeks and he inhales deeply, the smell of salt filling his senses, before he stands tall and just screams.
The sound is guttural and animal like, dragged from the depths of Eren's lungs. Every negative emotion is poured into that scream, almost as if he's attempting to expel all the darkness churning in his stomach.
If the ocean could listen, it would know all Eren's troubles. Each time he visits the coast, he pours his heart out, so as to let go of thoughts that weigh on him… He spills his darkest secrets and allows the sea to carry them away, like it would a message in a bottle.
The ocean is a quiet lover, you can tell it anything and it only replies with familiar noises, softly stirring in its constant back and forth motions. Levi is the same… Hushed, soothing.
He's not good enough for Levi, his calming demeanor and patient eyes. Eren is too hectic and impulsive; loud and disruptive. At least when Eren was dating Jean, the other boy would shout back - painful words thrown between the two with no abandon, until they had rough sex and made up.
Levi is different, he stands still as Eren wrecks havoc around him - a tree rooted deep enough to resist the winds of a tornado. Eren doesn't even know what keeps the other man tied to him. He's awful…. God, Levi will leave him one day and every inch of fault will be Eren's.
Eren's sobs still come, stuttering breaths dragged in and exhaled amongst choking noises. He wonders how he hasn't cried himself out by this point, but the stream of tears doesn't stop. Not even as he makes his way down the hill onto the flat expanse of the beach.
He runs across the beach, pushing his thighs to work as he makes his way across the sand. It makes his legs ache and he relishes in the feeling.
His breath catches in his throat. What would he even do without Levi. He's gonna leave, he's gonna find someone better. A person with a kinder face, someone soft spoken and quiet. A perfect fit for him, unlike Eren.
Levi… He is truly Eren's world. Could he really be more of a terrible person in comparison though? His mental health is fragile and unsteady, a breakdown just out of reach each day. And Levi just… Puts up with him. Sticks around, holds his hand though it all.
It'd be better if Eren were gone. Truly, it would. He thinks this as he makes his way into the sea, feels it lap at his ankles like an old friend. The pebbles in the surf hurt his bare feet but the sting is good, he finds it grounding.
The water is cold despite a day of bright sunlight, it soothes Eren's heated skin as he wades in, to his knees. He doesn't care enough to remove any of his clothes - he has dry things to change into in his car. He continues walking out until the water laps at his navel and slowly rises up to his chest.
Eren goes out far enough that he can only just reach the bottom, before slowly lifting his feet off the fine sand beneath him and laying back against the water, his face to the sky.
The ocean cradles Eren's form and he sniffles pathetically. The noises he makes now are merely whimpers, quiet against the roar of the waves in his ears. The waves rolling in under him make Eren feel like a child being rocked by their mother, the steady motions encouraging him to breathe deeply, calm himself. It reminds Eren of resting in Levi's arms.
The Sun is sinking slowly, the sky painted in different shades of pink and orange... It's beautiful and Eren's chest feels fuller, his heart lighter as he drifts. It wouldn't be all so bad, Eren thinks. If the ocean took him away, never to return.
He imagines his lungs filling with the water, breathing in the ocean as he does air. It'd probably burn but Eren yearns to be a part of the sea - to forget his troubles, to be unaffected by his past traumas, his mental illnesses. It wouldn't be terrible, not in the slightest.
If all you do is hurt, there's no point to sticking around, right? He thinks of Levi's concerned face as he shouted, blurred through the haze of Eren's own tears. He sees Levi reach out for him and hears that awful sound of dismissal he hates himself for voicing.
That's the thing, with Eren. He's so damaged... The worst version of a human. And he wants desperately for people to stop worrying about him; he can't stand the thought of someone being stuck with him... His temper, his awful personality - no one deserves that, especially not Levi. His dear Levi. He's only a burden, someone who stops others from being happy. So, obviously he pushes people away. Keeps them at an arm’s distance so as to not hurt them.
Eren loves people so deeply, he could never drag those people in only to be the one to make them suffer. He's undeserving of Levi's affection, his love. He would give Levi so much, but he has so little to offer... It breaks his heart, truly.
He's just a broken boy, staring up at the bleeding sky and wishing to be dragged out to sea. Maybe he could drift away and return weathered, like the sea glass you can find washed up on the beach - shards once sharp and dangerous, now frosted over and beautiful... A new start.
His tears have stopped at this point, his breathing comes even and calm. Eren closes his eyes against the brightness of the setting Sun, and he thinks he would like that very much.