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Calling hours. Peter wasn’t ready. Well, he was dressed and looked alright apart from his tear streaked face and red eyes...but he wasn’t ready to see Jason. To see Jason’s body. Still, he went anyways. Maybe it was to see Nadia. Or to see Ivy, after all they’d both felt that love for Jason. But he thinks he went because his mom was going and had told him “Jason would want you to go. And this will help you start to heal.”
They arrived at the funeral home and it was packed with people. Peter recognized some from school, the others must have been family. “Do they know about us?” he wondered.
The question was answered when he realized how many people were staring at him so angrily, they all blamed him. But it was fine. After all he couldn’t help but blame himself too. So he was fine. It was all fine. Until he saw the casket.
He looked down and couldn’t believe what he was seeing. There was the body he had known so well completely lifeless, the boy who had used it to kiss and hold him was gone. And yet it still looked just like him. But it wasn’t, not anymore. Jason was gone. Never coming back. This was just...an empty shell. The thought made him feel sick.
He didn’t realize he ran outside, didn’t notice the people he pushed past. He was feeling too much inside to take anything on the outside into account. But he soon found himself behind the building, leaning against it and sobbing harder than he thought he could. All the air was taken out of him. He gasped and tears poured down his face endlessly.
He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do but he wanted to do something. Scream. Hit his head against the wall. Scratch his arm. Anything to wake him up from this nightmare. Sure he would still be crying but he would be laying in bed and he’d be safe...Jason would be there holding him, soon he’d wake up as well from hearing Peter cry and comfort him. But he couldn’t make any sound other than his shallow hyperventilating. And he couldn’t find the strength to even stay standing. He fell to the concrete ground.
“He’s dead.” He couldn’t stop thinking that. “He won’t ever come back.”
It was like a curse that just kept repeating until he felt so awful he actually started to dry heave. Maybe it was a good thing he hadn’t been able to bring himself to eat anything.
He heard the door open and Nadia say his name, but he couldn’t stop. She sat on the ground next to him and ran a hand up and down his back. “Hey,” she spoke softly, whether it was out of empathy or not having much of a voice from crying was anyone’s guess, but Peter assumed it was both, “just breathe. You’re okay. You’ll be okay.”
“Sorry for going back here,” he managed to choke out when he got some of his breath back, “I just...I couldn’t….”
She nodded.
“Neither could we,” Ivy spoke up, Peter didn’t realize she was there until then and jumped a little, “sorry.”
He shrugged and said something about it being fine.
“Not just for that. It’s probably obvious but I didn’t know you and Jason-“
He interrupted, “I know. It’s okay.” He wanted to say more to assure her they’re good; but his breath was still so shaky he also didn’t wanna talk much.
Ivy smiled weakly and sat down next to Nadia. Nobody spoke but it wasn’t awkward; the three just sat there. Each thinking of Jason, of time they spent with him and what they’ll do now. Nobody found an answer.