Work Text:
It happened again. You're not even sure what set it off, again. It just... happened.
Again.
You were sat on the couch in front of the huge window that looked out on the street. Sharing an apartment with Connor meant having to watch him zip out at odd times of the day. He didn't mind of course, he never got tired, but it was still somewhat unsettling. You were fine with it, mostly. Unless they interrupted cuddles, then whoever committed that murder better run. But overall, you knew he'd be okay. You had faith in your boy and you were so proud of the good that he did for Detroit.
But it was currently 2am and you were staying up late. No reason other than just because. You didn't have work tomorrow and you loved the night time, everything was so utterly peaceful. It was raining, which was a huge bonus. You had always adored the smell of rain, the sound it made when it hit the window, you always kept a window cracked open. Just enough to let in the smell and the sound of the rain, but not enough to be cold.
You were huddled underneath a blanket that Hank had gotten you for your birthday. It was the same blue of Connor's LED, which was adorable; you never figured out if it was intentional or not. You pulled the soft edges closer to you, one hand resting outside of it to hold your phone.
And then it happened.
Your brain just... shut down.
Not in a physical sense, no. Everything was... mostly fine.
You could never explain it in any way that made sense to people who didn't experience it. This... deafening static. It was like your head had suddenly decided that despite your previously untouched-good-mood, you now felt like the entire world was crashing down.
You were sad. So, so painfully sad. So sad that you wanted to rip your hair out and cry, but it was dulled by that horrible static. That ugly, unending static.
Everything felt heavy. Your heart, your head, everything. You were stuck, everything going on a loop in your head. Every doubt, bad experience and self-deprecating thought came rushing at you for no reason and you could feel it. You could feel it all. And yet you couldn't feel anything of it.
You couldn't hear the unlocking of the door.
Or the delicate, calculated footsteps making their way to you.
Or your name being softly called, concerned brown eyes scanning you for injury.
Your head turned painfully slowly, eyes glazing over as you look at Connor, his hair was ruffled out of place and he'd been out in the rain. You made a vague noise of recognition and his LED flashed yellow with concern. Why were you acting this way?
"Are you feeling alright? My scans indicate that your physical health is up to par." He asked but you couldn't... feel it. The concern in his voice made your heart wrench but it was so far away. Like an echo. "Connor I can't..." You started and his Thirium pump started beating irregularly. You looked down, you'd dropped your phone at some point, the screen still displaying where you'd stopped scrolling. You slowly brought your hands out from the blanket, staring at them as if they weren't real. Nothing felt real. But this wasn't a dream, was it? It could be. But was it?
You looked back up at him. "I want to die, Connor. And I don't know why." Connor's eyebrows knit together in panic and he knelt down in front of you. He reached his hand up, cupping your cheek. "Tell me what you're feeling."
Sometimes he had to get used to the way humans could malfunction. You'd explained mental illness to him a number of times and of course he'd done his own research. But it baffled him whenever something like this happened. Thankfully, he had a way of getting you to come around.
"It's like everything's an echo. I can feel... everything..." You stared into his eyes. Desperately trying to find the words to describe this... feeling. "But I can't feel any of it. Nothing feels real, but I can feel everything so painfully. It's all so real, but I know it's not." He nodded, brushing a strand of hair out of your face. Concern etched into his perfect face, you felt a wave of guilt over marring his usually happy face with your useless nonsense. "I feel like... I just want to die, but I know it's not real, I know I don't want to die... but it's so strong, Connor. It's so overwhelming." Tears finally started to brim your eyes. They fought through the static and carved rivers down your cheeks. Your breathing hitched. "What do I do." Your breathing hitched, those last few words coming out as a useless whisper.
"Why do you want to die?" He searched your face for a reason, desperate to know how he can make you feel better. "I don't know." He rested both his hands on your cheeks, thumbs brushing at the tears that fell. "Have you been considering suicide?" The words were hard to get out. He knew what suicide was. Hell, since first working with Lieutenant Anderson, he'd learnt to understand. Yet since becoming Deviant and especially since meeting you, he'd never want anyone, let alone you; to have to feel that utter helplessness. "No, well... No. It's hard it's... It's like I just... I don't want to kill myself, Connor. I just don't want to be here." Connor felt a weight drop within him. He gulped, hot fear creeping up his spine. "You don't want to be here... with me?" His eyes started flooding with sadness and you could feel him start to retreat.
That snapped you back to reality, realizing how you'd worded it.
"Oh god, no, no! Connor that's not what I meant! No-" You grasped his hands before they could leave you, fresh hot tears at how stupid you were ran rivers down your cheeks. "No, it's not you. I don't know what it is. I don't even know what triggered this... wave of nothing and everything all at once, it's so stifling." Your breathing was shaky and you stroked his cheek. He stood up and for a horrifying moment, you thought that he'd leave. Leaving you to this seemingly unending cycle of apathy and empathy.
But he didn't leave. He sat on the sofa next to you, arms out, inviting you. You abandoned the blanket and climbed into his lap, wrapping your legs around his hips. His arms secured you in a cocoon of warmth, of feeling. You could feel him. You could feel how cold his blazer was from being in the rain, you could feel the simulated breathing, you could feel his Thirium pumping through his body. You nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry." Your voice was small, barely there. He shook his head, a hand coming up to stroke your hair. "Focus on me. Can you do that for me?" You moved your head up to look at him. His smile was soft, and his eyes were sad. He wanted to help you. You simply nodded, not trusting your voice. "Focus on the things that you can hear. You don't have to open your eyes, just focus on what you can hear, smell and feel. I'd like you to list five things for each, do you think you can do that for me?" You nodded again, one arm tucked between your two bodies while the other wrapped around his neck. He was anchoring you down while you fought the thunder storm in your head. "Okay."
You closed your eyes and focused everything you had on what you could feel. "I can hear the rain. It's hitting the window." You slowly let out a breath, it was stuttered and shallow, but it helped. Connor nodded, the hand on your back rubbing a soothing pattern down your spine. "Go on." He encouraged you, taking a moment to kiss your temple. "I can hear the ticking from that clock we bought at the sale." You stopped to chuckle. "You liked that it had googly eyes." Connor smiled at the memory, and at the fact that you had laughed, happy that he was getting somewhere. "I can hear the police sirens from outside, or it might be an ambulance. I can hear the buzzing of the street lamp next to the window, and someone wearing heels who's walking on the pavement. I can hear... your Thirium pump regulator, pumping away." Connor's chest rumbled as he let out a laugh. "That's six, see? You're doing better already." You couldn't help but smile at his little praise. "I can smell the rain on you, and outside. I love the smell of rain." The hand combing through your hair reached down to trace the line of your jaw. "I can smell the cologne that Hank bought you for your activation day. It... It smells like cinnamon." You absentmindedly nuzzled closer to the Android, earning a smile. "I can't really... smell anything-"
Stupid, stupid, stupid failure, ca n't even do THAT right
Your voice started to tighten again and he shushed you, kissing your hair. "It's okay, move on to the next. You're doing well, Dove." The static voice in your head quietened and you bit your lip in thought. "I can feel the breeze from the open window." You had reached your hand up and was now running your hand through his dark locks. You chuckled again. "I can feel the rain in your hair... you really need to invest in an Umbrella, silly boy." He let out a laugh. Even in your state, you're still worrying about him. "I can feel..." You sat up, opening your eyes to look into his. His expression was less concerned than it had been. You traced a finger over his cheek bones, taking note of every dip and curve of his delicately crafted face. You shut your eyes again and rested your forehead against his, reveling in the closeness. Connor laid a hand on your neck, the other on your waist. "I can feel you." You sat there for a few long moments, simply being with each other.
The deafening static in your mind was slowly disintegrated, leaving just a trail of embarrassment. But you had no reason to feel embarrassed. You'd fallen off the edge of oblivion and Connor had been there to tether you back to reality. Your senses came alive again and you shivered, opening your eyes again. "Thank you, Connor. I'm sorry I-" He interrupted you with a sweet kiss, cradling the side of your face gently. "Don't ever apologize, I'm here when you need me. Just like you always tell me you are for me. " You looked down, but he wouldn't allow it. He tipped your chin up with his finger, making you look him in the eyes. "Let me help you. If I'd have known you were getting to overwhelmed, I would have helped." Your eyes brimmed with tears again. "But I don't want to be a burden.."
Connor's eyebrows knit together, and he gave you a pointed look.
"You are not and will never be a burden to me, my love. I promise you that."
He shifted you around, so you were sitting with your back to him. He reached over, pulling the blanket over the two of you so that you were warm. He could feel you trembling against him. Connor wrapped his arms around your waist, resting them on your stomach. You leant back on his shoulder, eyes drooping. "Everything's okay. You can fall asleep, I'll be here in the morning."
You fell asleep to the sound of the rain, to the warmth of the blanket and to the feeling of Connor's arms wrapped securely around you