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When you get right down to it, Scout was getting sick of his job. No, it wasn’t the job itself. He wasn’t complaining about the fat checks he got to send home to Ma every month or the fact that death wasn’t a worry anymore. In fact, those were some pretty good benefits for a mercenary job. It made the uncomfortable mattresses and the remote locations a bit more tolerable.
What Scout was sick of was the inequality in his work place gender diversity makeup in the fact that there were zero hot babes out here. Nothing, zilch. This left Scout swimming in a cesspool of fellow testosterone where every man here was twice his size and had were much, much hairier than girls. What Scout wouldn’t do if he could wake up one day to his team having their sexes switched around.
Miss Pauling was his only female interaction on the base since he took up this stupid job. Even after Scout had tried for years to catch her attention, she never even gave him as much as a passing glance the few times she visited the base. By now Scout had long since given up in trying to win her affection; as it turns out, shooting RED brains out made it easier to mend unrequited love’s wounds.
Scout concluded yet another day of battles just as the sun was setting over the horizon- rich pink and orange colors dusting the desert below it. He lightly stretched out his joints and rolled his shoulders, basking in the evening warmth. Even if this job was in the middle of nowhere, at least the view was a sight for lonely eyes.
As he began walking back to the base to join his team mates in the showers, he noticed a certain emptiness in his backpack. Stopping in his tracks, Scout reached around in his backpack until he realized that he forgot to retrieve his baseball. The last thing he remembered was hitting it in the direction of the incoming Heavy and Medic duo at the end of the match, but the glory of winning and the following humiliation round made him forget all about it.
Scout turned around at the battlefield ravaged with shrapnel and dried blood stains. ‘It’ll just be five minutes,’ he thought to himself, ‘No one’s even gonna notice I’m gone.’ Glancing back at his retreating team one more time, he made his decision to start jogging back to the ruins of the abandoned warehouse.
He made his way to the central hill that held the capture point, jumping over debris where he saw it. Funny that the battlefield felt so much bigger exploring it now than it does when he’s running around, bashing brains in with determination. How Scout never really appreciated the landscape it was in when he was trying not to get blown to bite-sized Scout chunks. As he made his way up the hill, however, something red and bright caught his eye, causing him to stop dead in his tracks.
‘Lipstick…’
Scout must have hit his head on some metal sticking out of a building and stepped into a dream, because the setting sun perfectly framed the object of interest- or rather, the person. Sitting on a rock near the control point was Pyro- RED’s Pyro, to be precise, and the flamethrower Scout died many times to on the dirt. Pyro was drinking a water bottle in continuous gulps, and around that water bottle was a pair of perfectly cherry red lips. There were also several scars covered by makeup along the jawline, but all Scout could focus on were those enticing lips.
In that moment, Scout felt the angels above singing to him. First, he had two thoughts- one, ‘Pyro’s a girl?’ and two, ‘Holy crap, Pyro’s a girl!’ Those soft-looking lips and supple skin glistening with sweat was a blessed sight for sore eyes. After years of no female interaction, could this be the moment he was waiting for? Who cares if she’s a filthy RED- Pyro was a girl and Scout had her all to himself!
Scout took off his hat to momentarily slick back his short hair as he made his way over to the rock Pyro was sitting at. He put on his best lady-killer face and sat next to the drinking figure, setting his bat down to mean no harm. Pyro heard the clink of the bat against the stone and stopped drinking, turning towards Scout.
“Well, well, well,” Scout flirted with a grin, “What’s a pretty t’ing like you doin’ all da way out here? Y’know, there’s a whole lotta sleazy men in these parts. Could get yourself hurt out here.”
Pyro bolted up from the rock in shock, choking on water from the sudden movement. They reached for their flamethrower in one single swoop, ready to turn Scout into the world’s skinniest burnt marshmallow. They kept the weapon and Scout’s throat, breath becoming ragged but still not speaking.
Scout put his hands up defensively. “Woah, woah, slow down, hot stuff,” he said, waving his hands, “I ain’t here to fight. Never had a guy hit on you before?’
Pyro swallowed and lowered the flamethrower slightly, down to Scout’s chest instead of his throat, but not breaking their own defensive stance.
Scout was finally able to breath agin. “‘sides, we ain’t battlin’ no more today,” he explained, cheeks flushing as he flashed another toothy grin, “So, when were you gonna tell us you ain’t a man. Heh, dat’s funny. You’re a Mann, but you ain’t a man. Da voice said we was all men here- probably to keep ‘em from flockin’ to ya. You know, maybe we can go to downtown Teufort an’ I’ll buy you a drink-“
Pyro now set their flamethrower down and was beginning to step away from Scout, ready to bolt back to the RED base. Like a frightened deer, and Scout’s widening eyes were the headlights. Scout was now the one jumping to his feet and grabbed Pyro’s wrist.
“W-Wait, wait, don’t go!” Scout blurted out, his face heating up even more when he realized how desperate he sounded. Did he forget that this was a RED he was talking to? The enemy that he was paid to kill every day? Though before he was a BLU, Scout was a gentleman- ladies had to be treated delicately, like Spy always berated him for. “Can we… can we at least hang out a bit?”
Pyro slipped their mask back down over mouth and yanked their wrist from Scout. They scooped their weapon back up and bolted back towards RED base, dust kicking up from where they ran. Recognizing his defeat, Scout slumped his shoulders and turned back towards his own base.
Whatever. He didn’t need that stupid ball when he had a million just like it.
----
Today BLU lost, but Scout was able to survive humiliation round in a wooden crate he was just barely able to climb into. While he was glad he didn’t have to get killed for fun, he did feel a weight missing from his neck. His dog tags- they were missing!
Scout grumbled and made his way out into the blistering sun. A group of local vultures swarmed overhead, some swooping down to pick at charred and bullet-filled remains of his team before respawn disintegrated them. Scout still preferred the ugly things more than the aggressive pigeons of the inner cities of his childhood. Vultures were genuine and blunt with their approach to food and stayed far away from people when they were alive. Scout watched a trio of them fight over someone’s severed arm.
When Scout began to survey his surroundings, he yelped when he was met with two glassy eye reflections staring back at him. Before him was the RED Pyro, axe in hand and a blank expression. Scout raised his hands in surrender and squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for a quick death.
“Okay, okay, h-humiliation’s over!” he pleaded, “D-Don’ hurt me, man, please!”
Pyro cocked their head, then laughed a hearty laugh. Scout pried one of his eyes open and was met with Pyro now holding out their other hand, opening the palm. In the middle of their gloved palm was a set of shining silver metal around a ball chain. Scout stared at the object, then back at Pyro.
“How… did you…?” Scout asked in awe, cautiously taking the dog tags back and putting them around his neck.
“Hrr frrrr thrrrm,” Pyro mumbled behind the thick rubber mask, not bothering to confirm if Scout understood or not (typical of Pyros). Pyro pointed back over their shoulder near a pile of rubble, not too far from the control point. “Rrrvrrr thrrrr.”
Scout blinked at the friendly gesture, unsure of how to process if this was a trap or not. Pyro sat down on one of the piles of rubble and set their pick axe to their side. They patted the point next to them idly, looking up at Scout.
“Oh… okay,” Scout chuckled, sitting next to Pyro with a good distance between them. With shaky hands, he twiddled his thumbs in his lap. Unlike him, Pyro seemed perfectly relaxed. Scout wondered how scorching it must be in that suit to sit in the desert sun like this, watching the sun disappear over the sand.
“Hey, uh, Pyro?” Scout asked.
“Hm?” Pyro hummed back, turning to Scout.
“I… I really do ‘ppreciate it,” Scout replied, “Findin’ dese tags. Meant a lot to me. Dey were my big brother’s tags.”
Pyro nodded. “Trrrll mrrrr brrrt thrrrm.”
Scout smiled at the prospect of being able to have a real conversation about his family without being brushed off by his team. Maybe he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. Maybe all he needed was a friend.
----
By now, Scout and Pyro had gotten into this little routine. They would have no problem killing each other during battles and were no strangers to one-on-one combats resulting in dominations. Though no matter how bloody or brutal the daily battles were, they always met up afterwards to sitting on the desert battlegrounds. They’d sit and drink and talk- water bottles for Pyro and Bonk! for Scout, of course.
Well, Scout did most of the talking. Pyro mainly just sat and listened to him ramble about anything on his mind. Comics, baseball, his family- anything that he could get past his lips were fair game. Pyro never said anything when their mask was lifted off to drink, those cherry lips silently pursing to Scout’s words between sips.
That was alright, Scout decided after the seventh time they met up. It was nice to have someone to listen about all the craziness that goes in his everyday life of blood and guts, even if they didn’t respond back. There’s probably so psychological effect of it- something Medic would know about.
Though these interactions had Scout thinking. The kind of thinking that kept Scout up late at night, staring up at the darkness with his hand over his fluttering heart. He just couldn’t get those lips out of his mind. Most of the girls he met in his youth were trashy and smeared on some unflattering color from drugstore lipstick. But this was the high-quality stuff, perfectly complementing those plump lips.
Today was the day Scout couldn’t ignore those lips any longer. He had been staring at Pyro finish off their water for far too long with his face as red as their suit. Scout swallowed thickly and waited until Pyro finished off the bottle before blurting out, “C-C-Can I ask ya kinda a weird question?”
The fire lover froze, the empty water bottle in their hand crunching lightly. Slowly, their turned to meet Scout’s desperate gaze behind half of their mask. Their lips were drawn in a straight line.
‘Shit, shit, shit,’ Scout panicked internally, stomach dropping, ‘Aight, Jeremy, you got dis. Just play it cool. Don’t act all desperate ‘n junk. Ladies- Pyros don’t like it when you’re desperate. You da man.’
“I was just…” Scout rambled, scratching the back of his neck, “Well, ya know how we always- y-y-you’re a Pyro, a-an-and ya always got your mask an’ suit’ an’ stuff, an’-”
“Scout,” Pyro said in a meek voice, “What is it?”
Scout blinked at the sudden introduction of a response to their interactions. “Y-you… you can talk? All dis time?”
Pyro paused, then nodded shamefully, their lips turning into a shy frown.
“Okay, okay…” Scout sighed, head hung between his hunched shoulders, “What I wanted to ask is… what do you look like without the mask? I know, it’s stupid, a-an’ weird. You don’t gotta, I understand if you don’t wanna. We-we can just forget dis ever happened, an’ I won’t bug you anymore. Just tell me, yes or no.”
“Yes.”
Scout realized he was so engrossed in his own rambling that he didn’t hear the distinct sound of rubber moving around next to him. When he turned to meet Pyro’s gaze, instead of being met with those lifeless lenses he had grown used to, he was greeted by a pair of wide green eyes. Pyro’s skin was pale and littered with old burns scars, all covered up by a thick layer of foundation and powder. Dark red hair framed their face, and upon closer inspection strands of white intertwined in the red from years of stress. Understandably, not what Scout expected, yet not in a bad way.
Pyro’s own face flushed as well, and they stared at the mask now sitting in their hands. “I’m sorry if this wasn’t what you expected…” they apologized, “I just hate looking at these scars every day.”
The cells in Scout’s brain had to work overtime to come up with an appropriate, well-thought-out response to Pyro’s reveal. So, like the excellent planner Scout was, Scout threw whatever that plan was out the window. In the heat of the moment, all Scout could think to do was to lean in to Pyro and plant a kiss on those cherry lips.
Initially, Scout was the only one moving his lips, indulging in the softness of obviously well-kept lips. Thankfully, Pyro began to return the favor when Scout was beginning to worry this was going to get awkward. The cooling air of the evening and the glow of the disappearing sun over the abandoned buildings engulfed the two. Though both their eyelids had long since fluttered closed, so they couldn’t be admiring the scenery when they were focused on each other and this very moment.
Scout was the first one to pull away, and they both took a second to catch the breath. However, Pyro was the first one to speak for once, and they let their voice be heard. “W-What was that?!” they exclaimed.
“Uh… a kiss?” Scout replied, shrugging with a goofy grin on his face.
“B-But… you do know I’m not a woman, right?” Pyro faltered, “A-all this time, you were just hanging out with me b-because you thought I was a girl, right? Also, I’m a RED! This has got to be a trick to get our intel!”
“Oh…” Scout muttered, glancing over his shoulder momentarily.
“What?” Pyro asked, worried they were about to lose something good that came from the strangest place, “What is it? Scout?”
Scout looked back at Pyro once more and chuckled, shrugging playfully. “Well, guess I’m bi, then,” he figured, “And I don’t care what color you are. I like you, Dum-Dum.”
“Oh… okay.” Pyro tittered at first, then they both erupted into a fit of giddy laughter as it echoed over the battlefield.
‘Yeah,’ Scout thought to himself as he watched this new side of Pyro blossom into something entirely new right before his eyes, ‘This’ll do.’