Chapter Text
"I was being sarcastic!" Steve said desperately. "It was a joke."
Tony groaned and leaned forward until his forehead hit his arms where they were folded over the edge of the table. Colin vibrated with barely concealed rage in the corner of the room.
"Good joke," Fury quipped dryly. "Very funny."
Steve huffed and sat down hard in the chair next to Tony. "Tony would have found it funny," he muttered to himself.
"I did," Tony whispered from where he was still collapsed on the table. "Time and place though, Rogers."
"Yeah…" Steve sighed.
Fury opened his mouth to speak, but Colin finally burst. "What's the rule?!" he yelled, making everyone freeze.
"....don'tjokewiththepress," Steve muttered to the table.
"Don't joke with the press," Colln hissed, rapping his fingers across the surface of his clipboard.
Steve looked up, undoubtedly blushing, and caught Natasha shifting her phone in a way that suggested that in about twenty minutes the Avengers group chat was going to enjoy a new video titled "Captain America gets his ass handed to him by a 5'8" PR rep."
"Clint gets to joke with the press," Steve said, petulantly. Colin rounded on him, eyes blazing, and Steve shrunk back.
"Yes, because Clint, doesn't have the driest of deadpan deliveries, because Clint is not a national icon, and because Clint doesn't joke about marrying one of his teammates!"
Steve swallowed heavily. "Right. Sorry."
"Well, it's too late to put it back in the bag," Fury said pragmatically, "so what do we do now?"
"I'll put out a statement saying it was a joke," Steve said quickly, eager to fix what he'd broken.
"No way." Nat shook her head. "People will not be amused about you using a gay relationship as a joke, Steve. That'll backfire."
Colin nodded in agreement. "Yeah. You'll come off as the straight asshole who thinks two guys together is hilarious. People will think you were trying to rag on Tony, which makes you both look bad."
"I'm not though," Steve said.
"Yes, we know it was just a joke and that Tony found it hilarious, but -"
"No. Straight. I'm not the straight guy making a joke because… I'm not straight." Steve blinked around at the gathered team and they all blinked back.
"Really?" Fury asked.
"Really… Do people not know I'm gay?" No one moved. "Okay, whatever. What if I came out publicly at the same time. Said, 'hey I made a joke about one of my teammates which I didn't realize was going to be taken seriously. Tony's my best friend, and we know what spending so much time together looks like. But, actually, I'm single. And on the market. Know any hot guys who are into workaholic, asshole, sarcastic superheroes?' Then surely, the articles are about me coming out instead of the joke?"
Colin pursed his lips then shook his head tightly. "We could… but they'll come for Tony."
"What, why?"
Tony raised his head from the table. "Because they'll want to know what I think of the joke, if I'm bothered that my teammate joked about me being gay too, if I'm uncomfortable with you flirting with me like that, if this is all a cover because we are together and you outed us both before I was ready… etcetera, etcetera."
"They'll force Tony to state openly, on record, what his sexuality is. They'll also assume that either you are dating and hiding it - which means twenty-four-seven pap-watch - or they'll assume Steve has a big old crush and Tony's breaking his heart. Which means tabloid articles up the wahzoo," Natasha added.
Steve groaned and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He was suddenly exhausted. "It was just a joke…" Steve whined.
The others bandied about ideas for how they could approach it - ignore it, press release followed by Steve-and-Tony outings to show no hard feelings, take it question by question and stick to the joke thing....
None of it sounded right.
"Oh no."
They all turned to where Colin was staring at his phone in horror.
"What?"' Steve asked through grit teeth. How could this get any worse?
"I just got contacted by GLAAD. They want to invite you as special guests to their media awards next month and honour your public support for LGBTQ communities and relationships. They always give out a few honorary awards to celebrities who act as good role models. They're making a big push on some legislature that'll do some wonderful things for the community, and they want your support and media outreach on their side, so they're going to schmooze."
Steve gaped at him. "They don't have to schmooze. We'd support them. Even if we were both straight. Right, Tony?"
Tony smiled at him a little sadly. "It's a bit different, Cap. The message means more if we're acting as representatives instead of allies." He patted Steve on the shoulder.
"What if you just fake it?" Clint asked, and they all turned to stare at him, now. "What? The awards are in a month. Cap doesn't mind coming out. Tony doesn't seem to mind a little libel. All the talk is going to be about the event. So they could pretend, when in public, to be together, give this huge showing of support for the community, and then, after it's over, just quietly fade away. Someday, someone will catch someone else on Tony's arm, ask the question, and he'll say 'we were better as best friends.' Easy."
Steve choked on nothing. That sounded like the least easy thing in the world. Because Steve had a secret, and it wasn't his sexuality. Tony shifted next to him, and Steve turned towards him while the others continued to throw around Clint's suggestion. Tony's shoulders were tense and his eyes were dark. He shuffled in his seat, jaw twitching. "Tony?" Steve asked quietly, and Tony shot him an unreadable look. "Hey guys?" They paused. "Can Tony and I have a minute to talk?"
Fury shot Colin a glance then nodded. "Yup. Talk away. I've got shit to do anyway. We'll meet again in three hours, my office." Fury pushed back from the meeting table and marched out the room, Colin catching in his wake and huffing after, glaring at Steve as he went by. The others followed.
"Tony?" Steve repeated. "I'm so sorry."
Tony turned wide eyes on Steve and immediately rose out of his chair, dropping a hand to Steve's shoulder. "No, no - I'm not mad at you."
Steve must have been radiating terror and discomfort. He'd inadvertently outed his friend, his friend who had very obviously taken great pains never to talk about his sexuality with the media, despite being pressed to multiple times.
"You should be. It was stupid. I should have listened to Colin. It just rolled off my tongue like we were all back here joking at the tower."
"It's fine, Steve." Tony's hand gave Steve's shoulder a little squeeze, and Steve huffed out a shaky sigh. "Really, it's fine. I thought it was funny. It was bad luck, really, that they took it the way they did. Another day, a different mood, it would have just blown right over them."
"You are mad, though," Steve said carefully. It was better to have it out now than let it fester.
"I am. Not at you though. I -" Tony ran a rough hand through his hair, leaning back to half-sit against the table. "I'm mad at them. I kind of thought you were out of bounds. I've been dealing with this shit since I was a kid, but it doesn't seem fair for them to come after you."
"I brought it on myself." They both fell silent, the meeting room humming around them. What on earth could Steve do? It seemed that no matter what he said, the press would attack Tony for it. But it was his mess, his mistake, and he had to clean it up. But how?
"I think we should do it," Tony said out of nowhere.
"Do what?"
"Do what Clint said. Fake it."
"Seriously?" Steve's hand stopped halfway to his jaw, on its way to try and rub away some of the tension. "You think we should pretend to be together?"
"Yeah… yeah." Tony brightened. "Look, I think this is one of those instances where the truth is worse than the lie. Or at least, there's no nice way to present the truth. No matter what you say, no matter what I say, it's all going to be blown out of proportion or twisted back at us. But…" Tony waved his phone. "We're trending. And it's mostly supportive. The people en masse will be thrilled, GLAAD will be thrilled… maybe we can show a whole generation of kids that being gay and out doesn't mean you can't be a superhero."
"Wow." Steve sat down. "I mean, I can still make that statement without you, Tony. You don't have to expose yourself to this too. I can still come out, and also say it was a friendly joke, based on an inside joke between us that wasn't funny out of context and I'm sorry. Maybe I can find someone willing to be seen on a few dates with me, and they'll forget all about you."
Tony's jaw tightened. "You don't date, though."
"I know, but I can fake it for this."
"If you're going to fake it anyway, it might as well be with me. We have more impact as a pair and then you don't have to walk back your comment."
"I just don't want to drag you into this, Tony."
"I know you don't." Tony reached out and squeezed Steve's shoulder again. "I'm volunteering."
"Okay." They sat in silence again, even heavier now. Steve squirmed. "So what do we..."?"
"A couple dates, I think. Maybe once or twice a week," Tony said clinically, whipping out his phone and typing furiously. "I'll get JARVIS to watch the social media response and judge the best times to be spotted. The ceremony they want us at is the one in San Francisco, and it'll probably be at least four days there, wining and dining with people, being schmoozed, going to dinners. Then the actually ceremony, we give a little speech, and go home. We'll be spotted out a few times after, but more spread out. The paps will get bored that we're not cheating on each other or having screaming fights in the parking lot, and they'll move on."
"You don't mind not dating anyone for two months?" Steve asked.
"Haven't dated anyone in about two years now, sugarplum. The odds I'll meet my soulmate in the next two months are very low."
Steve blushed. "I mean like… you can't even pick someone up at a party…?"
Tony laughed. "I know, Steve. I get it. I can't sleep with anyone else. It's not a problem." Tony tapped the glass front of the arc reactor. "Haven't been doing that for a while."
"Oh." Steve felt his cheeks heat at the "anyone else" because it wasn't like he and Tony would be sleeping together. People would just… think they were. Steve's hand shook and his chest ached. Shit. This was the worst possible timing. The back of his throat scratched, but Steve cleared it violently, swallowing heavily until he could speak again. "Okay."
"So we're telling Colin that's our decision, right? He can say best what our options are for interviews and stuff. We can pivot the conversation to GLAAD as much as possible, use the opportunity to shine a light on them."
"Yes, that's what we're doing." Steve stood again and led the way to the door, an icy thrill running down his spine as Tony followed close behind him. His phone chimed with a new video upload to the Avengers group chat.
This was such a bad idea.
**
"Captain! Captain!" the crowd on the other side of the rope line called.
Steve waved, grabbed a few programs and signed them. He'd enjoyed himself tonight. The music had been good, the concert had been in support of a good cause, and for the most part, everyone had left him alone. He'd also come alone, which was different but nice. Going out with the other Avengers, Tony especially, had been difficult these days.
"Captain! Where are your teammates tonight?" one reported yelled, as if she could read his mind.
"They're enjoying a well-deserved night off," Steve said, smiling his 'press smile' with more ease than usual. "I heard tell of an Indiana Jones marathon."
The crowd laughed, and Steve worked his way further along, signing, shaking hands.
"Where's Tony Stark?" another voice called.
"Ogling Harrison Ford with the rest of them, I'd imagine," Steve shot back. He smiled at a little girl who waved so hard her mitten fell off.
"You've been seen out with him a lot lately. Is there something you want to tell us?"
Steve snorted. There was something, alright, but nothing he would ever tell them. "Yes, actually. 6.5 million pets end up in shelters every year in the US. 1.5 million are euthanized. Tonight's concert was in support of the ASPCA and everything they do to help the millions of animals in need across the country. You should donate, if you can."
"Why do you always avoid questions about you and Tony?" someone else asked.
"Because I'm awful at keeping secrets." Steve smiled at the reporter who'd asked. "And Tony would be so disappointed if I spilled my big proposal plan and ruined the surprise."
Cameras flashed, and the reporters were yelling even louder now, but Steve had reached the car so he waved with a big smile and slipped inside.
**
The newspaper was sitting on Steve's desk when he slipped into his office, a huge picture of him and Tony headlining the entertainment section. And really, it didn't look that great, or rather, Steve could see why people thought what they did. The picture was taken after a movie premiere Tony had brought Steve to, and they'd snuck out the back door, unsuccessfully trying to avoid all the photographers. Steve was charging ahead towards the car and Tony was pressed up against his side, holding one of his elbows in a death grip. He was looking at the paparazzi and grimacing, but from the angle of the photo, it looked like he was looking at Steve and smiling.
Steve sat down heavily in his office chair and sighed, picking up the paper. He ran a finger over Tony's face, allowing himself the brief fantasy that Tony really had been looking at him, really had been smiling.
He didn't read the article - it would hurt too much - but he couldn't bear to throw it away. He tucked the whole thing in the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet. Inevitably, some day, he'd have a bit too much of Thor's Asgardian Mead at a poker night and wander down afterwards to cut the photo out so he could do something stupid with it like hide it under his pillow.
Colin had been on board with the new plan, immediately scurrying away to sort out where they should go and what they should do and who they should talk to. Tony seemed fine with it - Steve had been keeping a close eye on him to make sure - but Steve felt like absolute shit, and he was sure it showed. It was hard enough being around Tony everyday, fighting side by side, hanging out as teammates, and keeping his secret. But pretending to be Tony's boyfriend? It would be almost impossible.
Even as he thought it, his throat scratched and whined, and for the first time all day, Steve let himself cough. Once he started, he couldn't stop. He coughed and coughed, groaning with relief as he satisfied the urge that had been torturing him all day while simultaneously grimacing at the pain. Finally, with a great, hacking heave, the pressure in his throat released and he spat.
There was a ball of bright orange flower petals, soaked in spit, in his palm.
Steve had a secret, and he had no idea how he was going to make it two months at Tony's side without revealing it.