Chapter Text
The door to Alec’s bedroom slammed loudly behind him. Louder than he meant by far. Any other time and he would have winced and prayed his parents hadn’t heard, but this time he just fell back against it, clutching at his tiny chest, trying desperately to control his breathing to no avail. His breathing just got faster and faster, until he had to push it out with all he could to even get the gasps out.
He could feel his hands shaking and stared down at them in horror. Weak. The word flashed through his mind and he wasn’t sure if he was thinking it or if it was the remembered voice of his mother. Before he could stop it a tear slipped down his face. He quickly reached up to rub it away with his fist. He was nine now, a big boy. Practically an adult. Adults didn’t cry.
It was hopeless though. His trembling spread up his arms and down through his legs. He fell to his knees, a virtual flood of tears now running down his face. He tried to push himself up off his knees but didn’t make it very far before he slammed back against the door, his catche of arrows banging against it alarmingly. A sob wrenched it’s way up his throat. He curled up over his knees and wrapped his arms around his head to muffle himself.
In the blackness his parent’s words came back clearer than ever. We gave you a simple task! She could have died! Your fault! How could our son be so weak and irresponsible!
The words hit him like stabs but he knew in his heart he deserved it.
The images played behind his eyelids like a movie.
Everything had started out fine. It was Izzy’s fifth birthday and she wanted to go to a mundane restaurant for dinner. They’d never been to many mundane places before, but Izzy loved looking in all the windows when their parents had to take them out of the institute with them. Their parents had been...hesitant about the idea. But they had eventually caved in to Izzy’s puppy dog eyes.
They never made it to the restaurant though.
About halfway there they had been attacked by a group of Ravener demons. Alec hadn’t seen any in person before but he recognized them from his textbooks. His parents never left the institute unarmed, and even Alec, who was too young yet to carry runes, had had his bow with him. He’d only picked his specialty weapon a couple weeks ago. His dad had put a glamor rune on the actual catche for him and everything.
Their mother had been instantly ready for the attack, holding them off while Alec’s dad had dropped Izzy’s hand and pushed her behind Alec, quickly slashing through Alec’s glamor rune so he could use his bow. He’d only given Alec one command. “Protect your sister!”
Alec remembered nodding shakily and taking up his best defensive position as his dad had run to back up his mother. He remembered trying to look in every direction at once, forcing his breathing to try and stay even. He felt Izzy bunching his shirt up in the back and and heard her soft crying.
Izzy had let out a sharp, wet, gasp and Alec had whipped his head around to check on her.
That was when it happened.
In the instant that Alec had checked on his sister a Ravener demon had slipped by his parents to attack them. Alec had noticed the movement out of his peripheral vision and tried to fire a shot. But he was shaking so badly in his fear that his shot landed nowhere near his mark and the Ravener demons claws slid right past his shoulder and into Izzy’s chest.
Everything after that had been flashes. A stinging from his shoulder, Izzy’s blood hitting his face, her scream, one of his parents slashing through the demon, ichor splattering his clothes.
He’s not sure how they had gotten back to the institute. He doesn’t remember the silent brothers being summoned. They’d just appeared in the door to the infirmary. He’d never seen them in person before either. He thinks he might have been scared of them if he could have felt anything. Everything had been just a numb haze.
They’d had no choice but to rune Izzy. The wound had been too deep. They put the mark of the angels right over her sternum. They weren’t sure if she would live or die for over an hour. She was so small to have any runes they thought it might kill her before the wound would even.
His parents had started yelling. He wasn’t sure if it was at eachother or the silent brothers because he’d long left the room to sit in the hallway. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his sister any longer. He didn’t want her covered in blood and hooked up to wires to be the last picture he had of her if she did die.
So he’d sat in the hallway. Staring at his shaking hands and the red carpet.
It wasn’t his parents that came and told him she was alright. It had been a silent brother. A young one who still had his eyes open. He’d told him she would live and be strong. Then he’d bandaged Alec’s shoulder. He’d forgotten about it himself. He’d dug his fingernails into his palm during the bandaging. He wished that his shoulder was bad enough that he’d need to take a rune early too. He was the eldest. It should have been him.
It should have been him.
Although he wasn’t anywhere near sure enough that he’d survive it like his sister.
When the silent brother went back into the room his parents had come out. He wished they hadn’t.
Their faces had been blazing. His mother had bounded up to him and practically lifted him out of his seat. Her nails bit into his wrist. She’d gotten right in his face. His hands still hadn’t stopped shaking. She was quick to point it out. “This! This is why your sister is in this state! We gave you a simple command! A simple task! But you were too weak and irresponsible to carry it out! Your sister could have died Alec! Your shaking and quivering is pathetic!” She practically threw his hand back at him.
“This wasn’t even a real mission. Imagine if it had been. You are a failure Alexander Lightwood. You’ll be lucky if you ever earn your rune!”
His father had walked up behind his mother and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned toward his father as if she couldn’t even bare to look at him anymore. His father’s face had been an impenetrable mask and when he spoke his voice was solemn and slightly horse. “Go to your room Alec. We’ll discuss this tomorrow.”
And now here he was. Finally feeling something but he wasn’t sure what . It felt like he was the one who got stabbed through the chest. His dark room was suffocating him. The flashing scenes felt like they kept getting closer. He was a failure.
He’d loved Izzy from the moment she was born, all the smiles she put on people’s face, the way she grabbed his hand in her tiny one, the way she called him “Big Brother”. The way she looked up to him made him feel important for once. Like she could really see him. He’d yell at her to stop climbing on the furniture because she could fall and hurt herself but she was never worried because “You’d just catch me silly”.
Now she was lying unconscious in a hospital bed.
His parents were right to look at him the way they had.
His hand had drifted up to the cut on his shoulder. He hadn’t really noticed. He’d pressed down so hard blood had leaked through the bandage. The physical pain helped the dull pain in his chest. When he looked at his blood covered hand he noticed it wasn’t shaking anymore. He only had one thought floating through his head.
“I wish it’d been me. I wish I didn’t have to face tomorrow. I wish I was dead .”
He squeezed his hand shut. He had to face tomorrow though he knew. He had to keep being there to protect his sister. Her bright shining eyes played across his mind's eye. She didn’t know he was a failure yet. She’d be looking for him when she woke up.
So he’d just have to make himself better. For her. For his parents. He’d become the perfect shadowhunter to protect her.