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When I was a child I went to Catholic school, we were taught about heaven and hell and how when you die there's this big white light where you can see all your family and anyone you loved when you die; and for a while i believed that... I was fourteen when my mother died of a heart attack and I started to doubt that, when my dad was in a car accident and passed away. I told off the nuns every chance I got and I can't even count for the times I was made to Stand in the corner tongue in hand for speaking out of turn,although I preferred that to the smacks from the ruler. I remember the one day the Mother superior was lecturing me on my behavior while i gripped onto my tongue nothing from her speech really struck... well all except for when she told me how fear is the heart of love, I left that school a week later. After that I met Dan and we were together four years when he joined the military, I was petrified to loose him but I did by the time he came back we both Agreed our relationship was over.
After that I moved to the states with no plan what so ever, all I had with me was a back pack and some slight computer skills Dan had taught me over the course of our relationship. The first two years were hard I won't lie I spent most of it in the library reading up more and more on computers, slowly I built up my skill and was able to hack into anything I was given.. I don't know how Geoff found me and decided I was good enough to bring into the Fake ah crew, but I remember it was warm and sunny on that day and he was still clad in a black suit when he showed up at my small hole in the wall apartment.I don't think i'll ever be over how thankful I am he decided to bring me in, As the crew grew and we started doing heists I remember Finally feeling like I belonged somewhere; I fit in. When Ryan Joined All I could think of was how terrified I was, I mean rumors fly around Los Santos faster than the news can report; And combined with the fact he always wore his mask and never spoke made it really un nerving to be around. Around a year and a half after he Joined was the first time I or anyone else saw him without his mask, it was after a huge heist and he and I ended up in a safe house together just the two of us.
I avoided him up until this point we were stuck and I had no escape, I was sitting on the ugly floral sofa while he was in the bathroom My knees bouncing with nerves and adrenaline. When he came out I looked up only for my breath to be sucked out , he had no mask and no face paint on. "You've avoided me for the past Year because you've been scared of me, I don't want you to be scared of me and I need you to be able to trust me ... So this is me this," he motions to his bare face as he sits across from me on a chair "This is Ryan without the make up it's Ryan.." I was smitten after that day and I was completely lost in him and everything about him fascinated me, and although I was no longer scared Of him I was scared of the feelings I was having For him.After what happened with Dan I , I couldn't stand it if it were to repeat it's self here. So I kept my feelings locked deep in my chest continuing on like nothing was bothering me, but I guess i've never been good at hiding things because Michael picked up on it pretty fast.He would just laugh and purposely do and say things to try and get me to confess, but i've always been pretty stubborn and Ryan's pretty oblivious...
This went on for months and soon almost everyone had caught on, all except for Ryan... Well or so I thought. He asked me out during another heist they were in the middle of breaking into a safe while I watched on the security feed. "Hey Gav so i've heard you like Italian food, well do I have a place to take you.." "haha you know I like Italian. And if you want us all to go out for Italian...," He gave a cheeky smile towards the camera "Not ALL of us I was thinking just you and I like a date..." I nearly pissed myself when he said it, and it took a good minute before I agreed. The date was like a dream as they drove home from the job he told me to get ready and I did, I was more nervous than when he first joined. By the time I felt I looked good enough and walked into the Living room, he was already waiting and I was speechless.He had a bouquet of roses and he was in a suit with the under shirt buttons opened just slightly, I'll say dinner couldn't have gone better and the sex after wards was the stuff i'd only dreamed of.
I was hooked I was honestly and truly hooked, he was my drug of choice and he always looked as if I hung the wold on a string.No matter what happened or where we went you couldn't find one without the other, And I had never felt more complete and content. Two years in though I watched his confident demeanor falter and he became withdrawn and cautious with me until I couldn't take it and cornered him in the penthouse kitchen. "Ryan What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting like I'm the plague! you've been ignoring me and when you do interact with me your extremely cautious like you'll break me!" I can still see the face he gave me and it hurts, "I'm scared to loose you alright!! I've probably already lost you! You flirt with everyone in the pent house and when you go on those ret-con missions and have to flirt with them.... It fucking kills me and you don't seem to express anything to me anymore!" He pauses pressing the balls of his palms into his eyes,"I tried doing things how I did when we first started dating and you didn't care you kept blowing off our dates to hang out with Michael and Jeremy.. I get it if you don't want to be with me just fuck...Just fucking say it!"
He was right I was so wrapped up in everything else that I had neglected to notice he was trying so hard, I was like a brick wall... I apologized all day and made sure from that point on to make it up to him and make sure he knew I was happy and I loved him, we were a well oiled machine and deeper in love than before. But now here we are in the top floor of a crumbling building , his head on my lap. He's bleeding out from shrapnel and I can't stop the bleeding, the tears are running faster down my cheeks than the buildings collapsing. He grunts shifting slightly his breathing labored as he reaches a shaky hand up cupping my cheek, "Stop that no tears star shine no tears..." I hiccup squeezing my eyes shut "How the hell am I supposed to not cry Ry? Your dying and I can't do anything.... Ry I can- You can't Die... I can't loose you..." I whimper as his thumb brushes over my cheek "It's okay baby i'm... It's my time to go that's all," He pauses to take a breath as I lean down towards him pressing our foreheads together."You can't though I can't do this without you... My world is dark without you, your my moon.You hang the stars every day so I can find peace.."
I close my eyes but I know he's smiling up at me,"Hush now starlight your the one who hangs the stars... They dance in your eyes like they belong there, I know Time like me is passing and it's useless but go into my jacket pocket... I was... After this.. If things went good.." He coughs slightly as i lean back carefully reaching into his jacket my fingers touch a soft velvet box, I want to vomit."Ryan.. Ryan no you can't...noo.." I whine pulling it out and opening the box there's a thin white gold band with a single emerald in the center "You take that to remember me starshine, you have to go now I can hear the cargobomber coming close.." I can hear it too but I can't move I start sobbing tipping my head back against the wall, he finds my hand and squeezes it. "Gavin you have to go now, I know this is hard but you have your whole life to live you.." "You are my whole world and I am not leaving you!" I sob and he sighs squeezing my one hand while he manages to slide the ring on the finger on my other hand, "Please go Gav I love you so much and I don't want you to waste your life on me.." I wipe at my face anger now bubbling up, "STOP IT! STOP SAYING THAT AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LEAVE!!" I growl through my tears, "I'm not going anywhere I'm going to stay with you. "
I swallow "I'd rather die with you then spend one day without you, since the first time you showed me your face I never wanted to spend a day without you close. Ryan your the most important person to me, I care about the others and I love them but not how I love you..." I press a kiss to his forehead "I'd rather die here holding your hand then have a world empty because your not in it, and your not changing my mind..." I card my fingers through his hair as we both fall silent neither of us having much to add,"How would our wedding look dear tell me about it if were both going to stay here until this place collapses..." I close my eyes and lean my head back "Our colors would be gold and Red... with dahlias lots of dahlias, you'd be in a nice black suit with a red tie because you refuse to wear bow ties," I glance down and he's smiling his eyes closed as he steadies his breathing. I can feel the building shaking around us, "Geoff would walk with me down the isle and Jeremy would be your best man.. Michael would be mine and Jack would officiate..." I feel fresh tears running down my cheeks "Ry..." I pause but I get no reply, I look down my heart races as i realize his chest isn't moving anymore...
"RYAN NOO DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME!!!" I sob Lifting him to my chest hugging him tightly to my chest as I scream, the building shakes again and there's rocks falling all around us. I bury my face in his neck wishing I could wake him up... More Rubble falls around me and now I can hear a faint voice, I look up through bleary eyes I can see Jack but I don't move. Even as she reaches me I don't move, I don't let him go; I can't. "Gav sweetheart we gotta go..." She says softly and I simply shake my head, She looks between Ryan and I "Gav we gotta go, we can bring him to Trevor and we will do our best to help him.. But we gotta go to do that," looking into her eyes I know she means it "But he's..He's not breathing JAck.." My voice breaks as she reaches over and slips her hand between us, she feels for his pulse and I'm praying I'm wrong. She nods slowly "his pulse is very weak hun but it's there, but we have to hurry.." I nod scrambling along with her help we manage to get him in the bomber, we get inside and lay him on the floor and I'm slightly relieved when his breathing starts up again with a small gasp his eyes flicking open.
His breathing is worse than before and my heart aches as I lean in close to his ear, "Were going to the hospital...Please please try to hang on..." I plead smoothing down his hair as we lock eyes, his crystal blues are brimming with tears,"Gav I..I don't.. " he breaths out coughing slightly and i wipe at my cheeks on my shoulder "I know it's hard but please try..." I more or less beg.
4 days Later-------------------
"My knees bounce as I watch his chest rise and fall, it took them two days of non stop surgery and lots of blood but he's alive! He moves slightly and i slide my chair closer, he blinks a few times before his eyes drift to me. "Hey there handsome," He rolls his eyes as a smile tugs on his face."How am I still alive.." he asks voice horse, i smile softly getting up I grab a cup and fill it with water at the sink before retaking my seat. "A lot of blood sweat and hope," I reply simply putting the cup to his lips I tip it slightly and he sips carefully before I put the cup on the side table."I swear you must've been a cat in a past life and this is just life four or something..." I mutter and he chuckles his hand reaching over and finding mine,"It's a fucking miracle and I couldn't be happier..." He pauses his thumb rubbing at the top of my hand, "Gavin.." Looking up we lock eyes and I chew my lip "What's up?" He rolls his eyes "So when I get out of here were getting married right?" I smile I know he wants to talk about what I said in that building but for now he knows I'm not ready..
"Of course you doughnut! I want nothing more," I lean in and kiss him. There's lots of time to talk about things but for now all is good, and we will focus on the good for now.