Chapter Text
“i know that it’s terribly stupid, but i just never feel enough. this feeling has always been there, so it’s nothing new to me... but i just thought that it would go away eventually, you know? i thought that i was a lot happier this year... but i guess that was just something i forced myself to believe...” jaehyung ranted bitterly, tearing his gaze from younghyun to the window, letting his pent-up feelings flow freely. his eyes glazed over the images of cars speeding down the street, distinctly lit up by the numerous street lamps littered by the road yet still a dull blur due to the heavy rain falling down onto the city.
younghyun continued to watch jaehyung intently, waiting for him to continue.
he had found him an hour ago in his room, sitting by the window, blankly staring out the window.
like many times before, younghyun had wandered into his room, tentatively going to jaehyung’s side, murmuring a soft question of whether or not he could sit beside the brown-haired boy. jaehyung would then give a quiet nod in response, and the two would sit together in silence (occasionally punctuated by jaehyung’s quiet sobs and the small, concerned ‘are you okay?’ by younghyun. once again, jaehyung would nod, before uttering a quiet ‘’i’d rather not talk about it’,).
younghyun never pressed jaehyung for answers, because the last thing younghyun ever wanted to do was to make jaehyung feel uncomfortable and pressured to talk about his feelings.
usually, this exchange between the two happened infrequently. at most, it occurred once every few months. the next day, when younghyun sees jaehyung, he would be back to his typical bubbly self, seemingly radiating positivity in everything he did. jaehyung would put himself out there, pretending to be someone carefree and confident. someone happy and content with themselves, with nothing at all to hide.
younghyun had known something was amiss, weeks before he had first entered jaehyung’s room. he knew that jaehyung was never as happy as he portrayed himself to be, when he noticed how jaehyung would often eat his meals alone. when he did eat together with others, he would only eat small mouthfuls of his food, and excuse himself from the table to head to the bathroom for long periods of time. always, whenever that happened, younghyun would follow after jaehyung, lingering by the bathroom worriedly, distinctly hearing jaehyung retch, accompanied by the sound of him crying.
eventually, younghyun had managed to connect the dots, after his first instance of seeing jaehyung in his room.
although they never spoke about it, younghyun hoped that jaehyung knew that he cared for and worried for him tremendously. at times, when younghyun knew that jaehyung had not eaten in days, he would always show up to his dorm with takeaway bags of his favourite food, in an attempt to encourage him to eat. younghyun would also take note to compliment jaehyung whenever he could (it’s not something that’s difficult to do, anyway, younghyun always thinks to himself. i always find him beautiful.)
today, however, was a different story, as compared to their usual nightly encounters in jaehyung’s room.. jaehyung had asked younghyun if he could talk about his feelings moments after he had settled beside him.
wordlessly, he sat next to jaehyung, as he shared his thoughts about the never-ending disappointed he felt towards himself; about how ugly he felt, how pathetic he was to be in this sorry state.
“honestly, i feel like this has been building up for months now, but i’ve just been in extreme self-denial... but it’s finally caught up to me...”
younghyun’s heart could only fall, fall, fall as he watched the tears streak down jaehyung’s cheeks.
younghyun lets out a shallow breath, as his mind races with only one, single thought: if only he could see how wonderful he is.
“i-i’ve been trying so hard. i’ve been trying to eat... properly. healthily... for, like, the past month or so? b-but...”
with gentle movements, younghyun wrapped his arms jaehyung’s thin, trembling frame, hoping that the simple action would bring him comfort.
startled, jaehyung peered down at younghyun curiously, shifting to face him properly. truthfully, jaehyung had fallen back into a daze when he had started rambling; the existence of younghyun next to him muted; together with the voices in his mind reminding about how worthless and inadequate he was. he had tuned them out as his thoughts had turned static, numbness engulfing his very being. instead, he just mindlessly voiced out his thoughts.
raising his head to look at jaehyung, younghyun moved to remove jaehyung’s gold-tinted glasses, to wipe the tears off his pretty face, but immediately stilled his actions when jaehyung’s lithe fingers came to stop him.
“don’t!” jaehyung frantically whispered, struggling to shrink away from younghyun. “i look even worse without my glasses!” his lips quivered, and more tears began to slide down his cheeks. jaehyung awkwardly looked away from younghyun, and tried to will himself to regain his composure.
that was silly. i’m already fucking ugly for being so hung up on how i look. is there even any difference? jaehyung bitterly thought to himself.
“no. you’re not silly. not at all,” younghyun replied gently. “and you’re not ugly at all.”
jaehyung’s mouth fell open in surprise, as he realised that he said his thoughts aloud.
disbelief flooded jaehyung’s mind. he’s out of his mind. he’s wrong. he has no idea what he’s going on about.
before jaehyung could protest, however, younghyun continued on.
“you’re amazing, jaehyung. you have many admirable qualities. you’re incredibly sweet and caring, even if you don’t think you are; that it’s merely facade. it’s obvious in the way you treat others and the things around you. the fact that you’re trying your best to be healthy and to care for yourself displays your strength, too. who you are is what makes you so attractive... not your looks, okay?” younghyun says, pausing to slowly look between jaehyung and the hands hovering above his own.
let me be your love, i want to protect you.
jaehyung lets younghyun lift his glasses off his face and set them down on the bedside table beside them.
“even then, you are attractive. your features are so pretty. your body is perfect. well, at least to me. i think you’re worthy and adequate; the opposite of every single thing you claim yourself not to be.”
just as jaehyung was about to turn away from younghyun again, he was stopped by his hands moving to cup his face. jaehyung could he feel his tears being brushed away by the soft pads of younghyun’s calloused thumbs.
his eyes flickered down to younghyun’s hands, and he registers the affection in the tender gesture, and how his heart seems to skip a beat.
“i‘m really fond of you, jae. i know that it isn’t much and you may not feel the same way about yourself, but i hope that you know that you’re loved. with this, i hope that you can learn to love yourself, too.”
baby, it’s okay. from now on, i want you to be happy.
a gasp escapes jae as he hears younghyun’s heartfelt confession spill out from his lips. unbeknownst to him, tiny bits of the sadness in his mind begin to dissipate into nothing. they’re small bits, just chipped off pieces of the huge dark cloud that seem to be perpetually waging a storm in his mind, but they’re still gone. he feels the corners of his lips quirk up into a smile, and he can’t say that the tears that continue to cascade freely down his cheeks are of despair.
once again, jaehyung’s eyes flit upwards to meet younghyun’s.
maybe, what younghyun says is true. jaehyung thinks, as younghyun has a smile that seems to mirror his own. maybe there’s truth to what younghyun is telling him.
jaehyung’s mind goes blank, before it’s flooded with kang younghyun, kang younghyun, kang younghyun , as they inch towards each other and their lips meet the other’s.
they pull away briefly, before their lips meet again. and again. and again.
the darkness in jaehyung’s mind still looms overhead, even as some clouds begin to drift away.
but it’s okay, if what younghyun is promising him is true. and he’s certain it is, as younghyun’s hands slip into jaehyung’s.
baby, it’s okay. from now on, i’ll always be here for you.