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Percy wakes up with fire on his tongue and Tartarus dancing behind his eyelids. It takes him a few moments to remember where he is—in his cabin, at camp. The war is over, he has to remind himself. It’s been over for months. They’re not down there anymore. They got out.
He breathes in, and out. Clutching at his opposite arm to ground himself in the sensation. In and out. In and out.
He had to get out. Of his cabin, he reminds himself, slipping on some sweatpants and pulling on his shoes. Down to the water, where he knows it’s safe—not that it isn’t safe in his cabin. He knows it’s safe in his cabin, but he just. Needs to feel the water.
He’s down there in minutes, walking quickly but not running. Feels like he can’t breathe until he catches sight of the lake, familiar and grounding.
He’s standing on the shore, breathing in the salty air, for at least five minutes before he realizes he’s not alone.
“Nico,” He says, surprised but also somehow not to see him sitting in the sand a few yards away.
Nico glances up like he’s just barely noticing him. He blinks. “Percy,” he says.
“What’re you doing out here? It’s like one in the morning.”
“It’s two, actually,” he corrects him, “What are you doing out here?”
“I asked you first.”
Nico shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“Nightmares?”
Nico looks at him, vaguely calculating. “Yeah. You?”
Percy almost wants to deny it. But everything is different at night; he takes a shaky breath and says, “Yeah.”
A long pause. “I can go, if you wanna be alone.”
For some reason, the idea of being alone makes his anxiety spike. “No, it’s fine. It’s not like I own the lake.”
Nico looks apprehensive, but he doesn’t move when Percy drops down next to him. He take a few more minutes to just breathe. Nico doesn’t attempt to start any conversation; sometimes his quiet made him vaguely intimidating, but right now it’s just calming.
“What do you dream about?” Percy asks eventually.
Nico snorts, “What do you think?”
There’s actually a lot to choose from, Percy thinks. But he doesn’t wanna be an asshole, so he just hums in acknowledgment. Nico doesn’t throw his question back at him, which Percy is silently grateful for.
Both of them stare at the water. Percy wonders what Nico is thinking about. What wide assortment of things he could have been dreaming about tonight. If he even slept at all. Nico never really takes kindly to questions, though, especially not his, so he doesn’t ask.
It builds up, though, so he eventually has to ask something.
“Nico?”
“Yeah?”
Percy pauses. “Do you hate me?” He asks after a long moment. It’s a question that crosses his mind every so often, when the guilt builds up at night and keep him awake, thinking about all the people who have died instead of him. All the lives that were lost to the wars they had to fight. All the people he’s outlived. Sometimes he thinks about Luke, or Leo, or Silena, and sometimes he thinks about Nico, eleven years old and grieving because of a promise Percy couldn’t keep. He just—feels like he has to know.
There’s a long pause, where Percy listens to the sound of the waves on the beach.
Eventually, Nico answers. “We’ve put each other through so much shit. It’s hard to—be around you, sometimes, because it reminds me of times in my life that I don’t like to think about.”
Percy feels his heart sink a little. “I can understand that.”
Nico glances over at him briefly, “But. I don’t hate you.”
“You don’t?” Slips out on its own.
“I don’t,” sometimes Percy can’t tell when he’s being sarcastic, but right now he just sounds tired. Older than he is. “I thought I hated you, for a while—maybe I did. But no one can ever really stay mad at you.”
There’s an edge of bitterness to his voice that makes Percy feel something.
“You managed for a while,” he says without thinking. He’s just—he’s tired. Instead of getting mad, Nico just huffs a quiet laugh.
“I tried to. Didn’t work.”
“Why not?” Percy asks despite himself. He knows that if Nico doesn’t want to tell him, he won’t. Percy hopes he won’t walk away—he desperately doesn’t want to be alone right now.
To his surprise, Nico just shrugs. “You’re you.”
It hits Percy hard, for some reason. He tries to think of something to say, but nothing will come out.
His brain latches onto the first thing it can. “Tartarus,” He says, and Nico flinches violently at the name.
“What about it?” He asks warily.
“How did you—how did you make it?”
Nico looks at him for a long moment. “Same way you did, I guess.”
“You were alone.” It isn’t until he says it out loud that it sinks in: Nico walked through hell alone, and came out alive, and he still managed to keep his promise.
Nico absently twists the ring on his finger. “It wasn’t that bad.”
Percy barks a harsh laugh at that. “It was hell, Nico. Me and Annabeth barely got out, and there were two of us.”
“So it was that bad—who cares? It’s over now. I’m never going back there again.”
Percy bites his lip hard. “It’s over now,” he agrees, “But it’s never really over.”
Nico glances at him sidelong, seeming decidedly uncomfortable. He sighs. “No,” he says, “it’s never really over. I... feel it, all the time. I feel it underneath me. Like it’s waiting for me to come back.”
His voice is hollow and old, the way Percy’s bones feel sometimes. “Sometimes I’m afraid to go to sleep,” he admits quietly, “I’m afraid I’ll wake up back down there.”
Nico tilts his head in vague agreement. His arms twitches like he wants to offer comfort but isn’t sure how. It’s so strikingly sad, Percy suddenly feels so old. It feels like yesterday Nico was ten and babbling about that card game he liked so much, and today he’s a whole new person. He wonders how they both got here, sitting on the edge of the lake in the middle of the night.
They’ve both put each other through so much shit. They’ve both been through so much shit. They’re still alive. So many people aren’t.
“I’m sorry about Bianca.”
Nico startles next to him like he’s been shocked. Percy can physically feel him pulling away.
“I don’t wanna do this with you, Percy,” he says. He doesn’t sound mad. Just tired.
Percy squeezes his eyes shut. “I know, I’m sorry. I just—I feel like I’ve never told you.”
“You told me when you broke the news. I just didn’t accept your apology.”
Percy shakes his head. “I was worried you would be mad at me. I apologized for me, but not for you.”
“Percy,” Nico says, and now he sounds testy; urgent, maybe sad, “It was years ago. I forgave you years ago.”
Percy can’t bring himself to say anything; he feels guilty for ripping open old wounds, and bad for the old wounds themselves.
“Listen,” Nico says; Percy opens his eyes, “When you asked me to lead everyone to the doors, I think I understood how you felt when I asked you to keep Bianca safe. And I’m… I’m really sorry I asked you to do that.”
Nico kind of sounds like he might cry, voice going all wobbly, which makes Percy feel like he might cry. He doesn’t think he’s seen Nico actually cry since he told him his sister hadn’t made it.
“You were a kid,” he says.
“So were you. And I put all my hopes on you, and you didn’t deserve that. I think I,” he looks away; seems to plan out his words, “no, I know I’ve always put you this on this pedestal. Like, I thought you were the perfect hero. You were supposed to make things better, but things got worse instead. And you were supposed to make things better, but you weren’t.”
Percy goes to say something he hasn’t thought out yet, but Nico shakes his head. “If you don’t shut up I’m never gonna be able to say this again,”
Percy closes his mouth, nods, and gestures for him to keep going. Nico swallows hard.
“I put all these... expectations on you,” he continues, voice hard, “and then I got mad when you didn’t meet them, and I got mad when you did. It was—it was all twisted up. I wanted to hate you, because you let her die, but I couldn’t hate you, because—“ he seems to stop himself before he finishes his sentence, visibly shaking himself, “—well, those are things I’m dealing with myself.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is... it was wrong of me to do that, and I realize that now. I’m sorry. For... for blaming you. I was ten, and I lost the only person I had in my life, and you were just there. I shouldn’t have put all that on you, and I’m sorry I did.”
Percy is stunned. He doesn’t think Nico has ever been this open with him. He’s been angry with him, and Percy knows there have been moments where Nico hated him, and he felt bad about it, felt guilty, but. After the labyrinth ordeal has been dealt with, he’d never given it more than a passing thought. Maybe two. Percy suddenly feels like the world’s biggest asshole. He should get a trophy. But he also feels like he understands the boy sitting next to him more than he ever has
And Nico is picking at his jacket sleeves and staring at the ground, so Percy pulls himself together. “I’m sorry for... well, lots of stuff,” he admits, “But I’m mostly sorry I let you leave.”
Nico shakes his head, “Its okay. I’ve never really liked staying in one place for very long. I think I woulda left eventually—I think it was something I had to do.”
“Still,” Percy insists, “I should’ve been more supportive. You slipped up once and I let that cloud my judgment. I was suspicious of you, so everyone else followed suit.”
Nico shrugs, “You can’t control what other people think.”
“I could’ve said something.”
“I could’ve made more of an effort. I wanted—I think part of me wanted to stay. I wanted to belong to something, I guess. And I did, for a little bit. But when people started to slip back into old habits, so did I. I could’ve pushed, but I didn’t. I ran away.”
“Other people’s perception of you isn’t on you to change. Prejudice isn’t your fault. Like. I told Jason and them things about you that they didn’t need to know, which put you at a disadvantage.”
“You did do that,” Nico agrees, “I was twelve and stupid when I lured you to Dad’s palace. I know that you—well, I don’t think you ever forgave me for that. But you apologized.”
Percy feels guilt well up again. He tamps it down. This isn’t about him right now.
“Not really,” he points out, “But you seemed to do okay anyways.”
“What, you mean Hazel?”
“And Jason. You guys are friends, right? You and Reyna seem to get along, too.”
Nico picks at his fingers a little, looking embarrassed, but pleased. “Yeah, I guess,” He says, “Reyna’s cool. And Jason kinda just followed me around until I gave in.”
“I’m glad they’re your friends,” Percy says, and he means it.
“Thanks? I think.”
Percy huffs a laugh. There’s a brief lull. On impulse, Percy says, “Nico?”
“Yeah?”
“Are we—? I mean, do you think we’re friends?”
Nico has the nerve to look surprised at the question—which is fair, Percy guesses. Nico recovers quickly. “I think we’ve known each other too long not to be something.”
“But are we friends.”
“If you want to be.”
“Do you want to be? Because I mean—you’ve always kept your distance, and I get that now. If you’re not comfortable with whatever—“
“Percy,” he cuts in, “I do want to be friends. I wanna try.”
Nico is older than he’s ever seemed before, and he wants to try to fix whatever has been building between them all this time. Maybe he still doesn’t know everything going through Nico’s head and maybe he never will, but Percy feels something in him shift, and settle into place.
He smiles, “Cool. I’d like that, too.”
He reaches out, slow enough to project his movements and give Nico time to move away, and ruffles his hair. It’s soft, and cool from the night air.
“Cut it out, I’m not ten,” he says, but doesn’t swat his hand away. Percy leaves it there for a moment, just to make sure Nico is there. That they’re both still alive. He gets the sudden urge to go check on Annabeth.
Nico must somehow read the change in the air, because he says. “Go back to bed. I’m sure she’d like your company.”
Percy is oddly touched. He ruffles Nico’s hair a second time. Pushes himself to his feet.
“You goin to bed, too?” He asks.
“No,” Nico says, “I think I’m gonna stay here a little bit longer.”
“Don’t stay up all night.”
“Just cause we’re friends doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do. Only Reyna can do that.”
Percy puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Be exhausted in the morning if that’s what you want.”
Nico rolls his eyes. “Go to bed, Percy.”
“Alright, alright. Goodnight.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Nico says, but if Percy glances back and looks close enough, he thinks he can see him smiling just a bit.