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Talking to Cyrus through a computer screen just wasn’t the same. TJ wished he could reach through the webcam and touch his boyfriend, stroke his cheek and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t. They were stuck communicating from opposite sides of the country, and there was nothing he could do about it.
“I miss you so much,” Cyrus whispered, his voice squeaky with tears.
TJ forced himself to stay strong. “Don’t worry, Underdog. I’ll be back in a couple months for Thanksgiving.”
“A couple months is too far away.”
“I know...”
“It’s not the same here without you,” Cyrus admitted with a sniff. “I’ve been spending a lot of time on the swings. I know it sounds silly, but it’s the only way I can feel close to you.”
TJ swallowed the lump in his throat, smothering his sadness with a shaky smile. “Have you managed to get up high without me?”
“No. I’m a coward.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” Cyrus wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. “Without you, I’m like the old me again... I can’t do anything by myself.”
TJ shook his head. “That’s a bunch of crap, and you know it.”
“I need you.”
“No, you don’t. There’s a difference between missing and needing, okay?”
Cyrus slumped in his chair. “Can’t I do both?”
“Look, Cy... I know this sucks, but we have to give it a go. You can’t give up so soon.”
“I’m not giving up,” Cyrus said. “I just wish you hadn’t picked a college so far away. Did you really have to choose Kentucky?”
TJ shrugged. “You know their basketball program is amazing.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m glad you’re doing what you love, I just... I wish you could do it a little closer to home.”
“Me too, Underdog.”
They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, simply watching each other through the webcam, until TJ couldn’t help but yawn. He was two hours ahead of Cyrus, and he’d waited until midnight for his boyfriend to finish his homework before they could talk.
“You should get some rest,” Cyrus told him, his voice soft. “I’ll try and ring earlier tomorrow.”
TJ smiled sleepily. “I’ll be here.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” He blew a kiss at the webcam (a habit he’d begged Cyrus not to share with anyone else) and ended the call, his heart instantly aching at the loss of his boyfriend’s company.
With legs like jelly, he dragged himself to bed and collapsed on top of the sheets, his head swimming with thoughts of muffins and swing sets as he drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~
TJ was starting to panic. It was verging on midnight the next day, and Cyrus still hadn’t called him. He’d tried video messaging him several times, but no one was answering. He couldn’t even get a hold of his cell phone. Images of his boyfriend lying dead in a ditch kept plaguing his mind, so he took a drastic step and called Buffy.
“This better be good.”
“Have you spoken to Cyrus today?” he asked, ignoring Buffy’s biting tone of voice. “He was supposed to call me tonight, but he’s not answering his phone.”
“He messaged me really early in the morning, saying he wouldn’t be in school today, but I haven’t heard from him since.”
TJ squeezed his eyes shut. “Oh, god... What if something’s happened to him?”
“He’s probably not feeling well or something.”
“Aren’t best friends supposed to know this kind of thing?”
“I can tell you’re scared, so I’m gonna give you a pass on that one.”
“Sorry.” TJ scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m really worried about him. Can you ask Andi to call at his house and see if he’s there?”
“It’s almost ten at night...”
“Please, Buffy.”
After a brief moment of silence, Buffy sighed. “Fine. But only because you’ve got me worried as well.”
“Thank you,” TJ said. “Call me as soon as you know, okay?”
“Got it.”
Almost twenty minutes later, Buffy rang back.
“He’s not there,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “His parents said he left a note, saying he’d be back in a couple days.”
TJ felt sick. “What the hell is he doing?”
“Maybe he’s gone to Kentucky?”
“It’s a four-hour flight, at most.”
“Delays?”
“I dunno... We agreed it was too expensive to visit each other between holidays.”
“Yeah, but he really misses you,” Buffy said, surprisingly sincere. “I’ve never seen him so sad before.”
TJ groaned. “This is my fault. I should’ve told him I’d visit before Thanksgiving.”
“Blaming yourself isn’t gonna help you find him.”
“What if he’s lost? Or hurt? Or worse?”
“Don’t even think about that.”
All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. TJ almost dropped his phone at the sudden interruption, his heart racing at an uncomfortable speed in his chest. He stayed on the line as he crossed the room and looked through the peephole, where Cyrus’ grim face was staring up at him.
“Oh, thank god!”
“What’s going on?” Buffy asked.
“He’s here,” TJ explained, his muscles melting with relief. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you back.”
He flung his phone onto the couch and opened the door, immediately dragging Cyrus into a full-body hug. His boyfriend was cold and slightly damp, and his clothes smelt musty, but he didn’t care; all that mattered was that he was safe, and he was here.
“What the hell were you thinking?” TJ asked, his voice muffled against Cyrus’ hair. “I was close to calling the police, you idiot!”
Cyrus whimpered. “I’m sorry... I just had to see you.”
“What took you so long?”
“I couldn’t afford to fly, so I took a bus.”
“A bus?” TJ exclaimed. “You must’ve been travelling for hours!”
“I left as soon as we hung up last night,” Cyrus admitted sheepishly. “I’ve been on the road this entire time.”
“And you didn’t think to call me?”
“It was a surprise.”
TJ pinched the bridge of his nose. “I thought you were dead, Cyrus. I even called Buffy!”
“Wow. You must’ve been worried.”
“I was.” He looked his boyfriend up and down, examining his greasy hair and the purple smudges beneath his eyes. He looked like death warmed up. “Come on. You’re taking a shower, and then you’re going to bed. I’ll make you something to eat while you’re getting cleaned up.”
Cyrus grabbed his hand and hugged him again. “I really am sorry, TJ. You’re not mad, are you?”
“Of course I’m mad,” he said, “but that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m just glad you’re not locked up in some weirdo’s basement somewhere.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
TJ sighed, wrapping his arms around Cyrus’ waist. “I know. I’m just crazy about you, okay? If anything had happened to you, I’d... Well, I don’t even know what I’d do.”
“I feel the same way. That’s why it’s so hard not seeing you every day.”
“I get it. But you can’t go off on random road trips without telling anyone, alright?”
Cyrus huffed a laugh. “Fair enough.”
“Okay.” He kissed him quickly on the lips, then steered him in the direction of the bathroom. “Take a shower; you smell like a bus seat.”
“Charming.”
Later, once Cyrus was freshly showered and full of SpaghettiOs, TJ tucked him into bed and laid next to him, carding his fingers through the younger boy’s damp waves. He pressed his lips against his boyfriend’s neck and hooked his chin over his shoulder.
“These first couple weeks have been torture,” he admitted. “I thought I’d get used to not seeing you in person every day, but I was wrong... I miss you all the time, Underdog.”
Cyrus turned in his arms until they were facing each other, his fuzzy eyebrows drawn together. “Is this too hard for you? A-Are you breaking up with me?”
“What? No! Are you insane?”
“Well, you’re obviously not happy.”
“Neither are you. That’s why we’ve gotta make a change.”
“What are you suggesting?”
TJ smiled. “How about we scrap that stupid rule about no visits, huh? We can meet up every couple weeks; we’ll take it in turns.”
“Are you serious?” Cyrus sat upright, a tentative grin lighting his face. “But what about the cost? I thought you said it was too expensive to fly back and forth all the time?”
“It is, but I don’t care. I’ll find a way to make the money.”
“But, what about your student loans?”
“We’ll figure it out.” He took Cyrus’ hand and kissed his knuckles. “All I know is that I don’t wanna lose you.”
“You won’t,” Cyrus said, snuggling against TJ’s chest. He looked ridiculous in one of TJ’s oversized shirts, but he was still beautiful. “I love you too much to let you go without a fight.”
TJ grinned. “You get sappy when you’re tired.”
“I’m always sappy.”
“True.”
He kissed Cyrus on the forehead and fell asleep, his dreams sprinkled with the promise of a hopeful and happy future with the boy he loved.