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Kind humans scare Jimin.
That’s why, out of all the people he’s met, Jeongguk’s always scared him the most.
More than anyone else.
Jimin knows it’s early when there’s no sunlight struggling to get past the smudged grime on his blinds. He walks towards the only window in his tiny studio apartment with a cup of freshly brewed coffee in hand, creaking the wooden panel open to rid the room of the stuffed tension that’s gathered overnight. The panel is old, and not attractively so, but just the kind the management threw in twenty years ago, expecting it to last fifteen at the most.
The iron bolts screech in an ugly choir and Jimin lets his hand drop back to his side, immediately hit with a wall of sound coming from the city. He closes his eyes to listen more attentively, momentarily lost in the sudden sensory overload; the loud siren of the ambulance, driving down some road a few blocks away. The garbage truck below the building. Multiples taxis accelerating, bringing the late comers to their workplaces. Some kid laughing, and a random couple arguing.
Opening his eyes once more to take in the vibrant colours of the city, Jimin settles comfortably on the white window ledge that oddly compliments the chipped wooden panel now that he’s spent years staring at it. He taps his bared toes on the coldness of the surface, letting the wind run through his tousled raven black locks and caress his face from every possible side.
Jimin doesn’t always know which sensation to put the most focus into, but it all brings him back to the one that warms his heart day after day – he feels like it’s been years since he first set foot in this city.
His heart yearns to be here, in this shitty apartment that’s situated right below a frequently used train track, with a cup of coffee in his hand. The building shakes every time a train passes over the roof, but by now Jimin’s gotten used to it to the point it doesn’t scare him shitless anymore.
The small sigh that escapes from between his lips is softly deflating, and he brings the cup back to his mouth, eyes continuing on scanning the street. A cloud of smoke hovers in the air as thick as a leather layer, the dirty-sweet smell of petrol settling like dry dust that covers the streets.
Not many lay awake at this ungodly hour, and Jimin too likes to cling to his precious hours of sleep as much as the college guy next door, frequently indulging in the sweet state of mindless oblivion that lingers along the hazy mornings when he has nothing planned for the day.
Jimin thinks the cheap, corner store coffee he swallows down as time passes is as good as it really gets. It tastes bitter and oddly sweet on his tongue, but he’s also tasted far worse. Every single thing from rent – to which he thinks to be total bullshit – to coffee; there’s something in the city for everyone, and in the end it’s just up to the person themselves to figure out on how much money they are willing to invest in those things.
His phone goes off on his nightstand, and Jimin gets up reluctantly to check who it is.
From: Taetae, Received: 7:34am
your ass might be tiny but im not afraid to imprint it with the sole of my disgusting, dog poop filled shoe if ur not awake. istg chim, im counting on u.
“Oh my fucking god.” Jimin huffs audibly, shaking his head. He chucks down the rest of his coffee in one, swift go, lowering it down to type a reply.
To: Taetae, Sent: 6:35am
im awake. stop fussing. we’re coming soon!
His best friend happens to be the sole reason on why Jimin’s awake at shit o’clock in the first place. He throws the phone to his bed, not really watching where it lands, hands grabbing the hem of his sweater as he rids himself of any excesses clothing, walking to his closet butt naked and really not giving a crap. At least his across-the-street neighbors will be getting a show, for whatever it’s worth.
A little over a month ago, Taehyung managed to score an internship at a semi-famous magazine. They do mostly youtube videos and interviews, but the public seem to be liking them. Which was a huge deal, since Taehyung’s only a fresh graduate.
Jimin couldn’t have been more proud on the day his friend showed up to his apartment, holding his new personnel ID with innocent, childlike excitement and a bright smile.
The company Taehyung works in expressed a recent interest on interviewing people involved in a friends with benefits kind of arrangements. They were not a rarity, not really, but not many people were open about them in a world where your heart was already reserved for someone from the moment you were born, someone you had never met before. Someone you might not ever even find, but the joke’s on you. You just had bad luck.
That’s how Jimin ended up agreeing to this, whatever it is, firstly, because he can never say a simple no to Taehyung and secondly, on the inside, Jimin’s dying to know whether the word he’s spent all these years avoiding like a plague really sums up his relationship with Jeongguk.
The instructions on how to prepare for the interview were short and simple; be real and be yourself. He grabs his sunglasses from the stand near his bed and pulls on his leather jacket, parading around the apartment and standing in front of the mirror to deem his outfit good enough. One last turn and running his hand through his raven black hair, and Jimin’s out the door.
The fumes of the early morning traffic still linger in the air, as does the dawn. The coffee shop he’s heading to isn’t too far out, and Jimin arrives pretty soon, his eyes searching for a person who easily towers upon the considered normal height.
He finds him quickly, eyes slightly widening.
“Jeonggukie.” Jimin calls out, the fondness in his voice cutting through the meaningless chatter in the air. He waits for Jeongguk to notice, his heart wide open and plummeting inside his chest as he watches those doe eyes lighting up with a blinding smile.
The eyes Jimin fell in love with.
“Hey, minnie.” Jeongguk reaches out to push Jimin’s bangs aside with the pads of his fingers, smile teasing, yet gentle. Jimin thinks it’s never been anything else but those things, Jeongguk’s smile. “Took you long enough.”
Jeongguk’s wearing the black parka jacket Jimin got for him as a late birthday gift last year. Jimin’s always liked the color on Jeongguk, whether it be his natural hair color or the hue to which his eyes adapted into when deprived of any additional lighting, as black as the night shadows on deep waters, flickering above its surface on a calm night, or the color of clean, fresh-brewed coffee without any milk or cream, just the way Jimin likes it, very close to the one Jeongguk’s nestling in his palm right now, offering the plastic cup up to him.
“Thanks.” Jimin gives him a smile, accepting the cup with a grateful nod. He’s already drank some back home, can never leave the house without doing so, but Jimin also can truly never say no to coffee, bringing the cup closer to his lips to inhale a pleased sniff. And Jeongguk knows that, smiling at him, looking ridiculously amused at Jimin’s content expression. “Shall we go?” Jimin asks, softly clearing his throat as the intensity of Jeongguk’s stare gets to be a little too much.
“Yeah.” Jeongguk pulls himself up. “It’s the next building right there.” He nods towards the direction, taking a sip out of his own cup.
Jeongguk’s always been slightly dense. The amount of stares he attracts just by walking past the people who were in the middle of their own lives but have to pause for a moment has Jimin baffled every time. He smiles a little to himself and shakes his head, hiding his lips behind the cup.
They arrive through the glass doors, minds still slightly bleary. Nothing too exciting goes on in their conversation, just Jeongguk asking him whether he slept well, and Jimin repeating the same back.
The lady who awaits them greets them with kind handshakes, extending her hand and telling them to follow. They go up a few stories, all the way to the fourth floor, and suddenly there’s an alarming set of arms wrapping around his shoulders.
“You made it.” Taehyung smiles to his neck, pulling back.
“Of course we did.” Jeongguk interrupts, slightly pouting. “Who do you take us for?”
Taehyung’s never liked Jeongguk much, Jimin can tell from the tiniest micro expressions from his face as he watches Jeongguk speak. But Jimin knows it’s just because Taehyung’s scared Jimin will end up getting hurt. He’s just looking out for him, so Jimin doesn’t have it in him to chastise him for it.
“I already told the staff one of you might oversleep.” Taehyung confesses with a shrug.
“Hey.”
“What? It’s not like it would be the first time.” He shrugs again, not apologetic in the least, bouncing in place from being so excited.
“Are these two the ones you talked about?” Another male voice cuts into the conversation. Jimin sees a tall man with blonde hair, dimples and an awkward posture. It’s almost like he’s not used to being tall, and grew into his limbs overnight.
“Park Jimin.” Jimin stretches his hand. “This is Jeon Jeongguk.” He nods to his right.
“I’m Namjoon, the cameraman.” Namjoon smiles in greeting. It’s warm. His smile. Jimin can’t help but to take notice. In a world where no one is kind and everyone is uptight, kindness is something he’s drawn to. “Thank you again for agreeing to do this. Not many people are open about a friends with benefits relationships, so I’m glad you’re here.”
Jimin doesn’t like the word one bit, but chooses not to say anything.
“Yeah, we’re happy to do this.” He smiles politely at Namjoon, watching him nod and moving back to stand behind the camera set. Jimin really doesn’t know what to expect from this, but his life hasn’t gone according to expectations before either.
“Shall we begin?”
“Sure.”
They are directed to get rid of their outdoor clothing. The setting is simple, just a plain white canvas and two chairs across from each other. Jimin sits down, waiting for Jeongguk to follow.
Once he’s sat down, Namjoon explains.
“Okay, let’s go through this one more time. You’re facing each other, and you get asked different questions while the other covers his ears with headphones. That way we can get a clear picture of both sides. We want to know what do you feel towards each other. Now who wants to go first?”
“Jimin can go first.” Jeongguk says, smiling at him smugly. Jimin laughs, shaking his head. Jeongguk’s always been a little bratty.
The assistant comes in, offering Jeongguk an mp3 player, and then a set of heavily padded headphones to top it off. Jeongguk puts them on, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively when he notices Jimin staring. Jimin makes some faces back at him, their wordless banter interrupted by Taehyung’s obnoxiously loud sigh.
“We’ll jump straight into the interview, and we’re doing instructions later. That okay?”
“Sure.” Jimin says, because Jeongguk can’t really hear anything since he already put the headphones on.
“Nice.” Taehyung smiles, nodding at Namjoon to signal him to start filming. Then he turns back to Jimin, grinning brightly.
“So, first tell me how did you two meet?”
Jimin scoffs inwardly. Taehyung already knows the answer, he was there that night, and even if he wasn’t, Jimin would have told him countless of times by now. Taehyung’s his best friend after all.
Jimin shakes his head at the fondness of the memory, looking to Jeongguk. He looks mostly amused, his tongue stuffed to his cheek and brows raised in silent challenge.
“We met through instagram, actually. I really took a liking to his feed, and I was dying to know where he had gotten the leather jacket he was wearing in his newest picture.” Jimin still remembers looking at it, inwardly cringing on knowing how he had once again found something to waste his money into.
“So I messaged him, and that’s how it started. But we didn’t meet for a while, until we accidentally ended up attending the same party. Small circles, I guess.” He shrugs, looking back to the camera. “I didn't see him around during the first hours, but then there was a police raid, and we ended up using the same fire escape. Jeongguk remembered me and well-“ Jimin pauses, contemplative. “That was it, I guess.” He shrugs.
Then he goes silent, indicating there’s nothing more to tell. Not to them anyway. He leaves out some details, of how they talked until the morning hours, long enough for Jimin to feel sober from the alcohol he had managed to drink during the night. But he doesn’t tell them that, because well, Jimin, he wants to keep something just for himself.
Thankfully, Taehyung doesn’t press even though he knows exactly what’s missing. He’s always understood Jimin well, so well he’s sometimes left baffled. Taehyung gives a nod behind the camera, and winks at Jimin. “Okay, how about you describe Jeongguk in five words now.”
Easy. Jimin smiles at Jeongguk. “Charming.” He says. “Kind. Caring. Handsome.”
“I said five.” Taehyung points out with a chuckle.
“Right.” Jimin laughs, but it’s awkward this time around. He turns to look back at Jeongguk. His foot is bouncing on the floor in rhythm with the music that’s blaring into his ears from his headphones, but his gaze is pinned on Jimin. It’s unreadable, there’s no more teasing, just honesty and feelings. Jimin knows Jeongguk is good at reading lips, and has probably caught up by now.
Jimin feels so vulnerable all of a sudden, but then again, he always feels vulnerable with him.
”Lovable.” He finally whispers out the word that’s not supposed to lay in his vocabulary, not for Jeongguk at least. Because Jeongguk is not his soulmate.
But it’s the word he ended up with, and Jimin’s always been honest to the point it’s his biggest flaw. It resides in the tip of his tongue at all times, waiting to be released into to the air with the emotions it carries with it.
And soon, the world will know too.
“I have another question for you.”
Jimin gives the camera a confident grin. “Hit me.”
Taehyung grins back.
“Do you love him?”
Jimin met his soulmate on the night he met Jeongguk. Putting one and one together, and the equation should have been perfect.
It almost was.
Jimin’s life has been nearing the ‘almost’ perfect as long as he can remember. He almost got in to the university he wanted to go to, he almost scored the lottery once, he almost didn’t spill the coffee on his favorite shirt. It’s been close to perfect, the ride has been steadier than most people will ever get, yet nothing has gone just the way Jimin wanted it to go.
Jeongguk was almost his soulmate, yet he wasn’t, and the disappointment that followed couldn’t have been any more greater. Jimin remembers standing in the middle of the sudden chaos, having arrived to the party just over an hour ago, watching people grabbing for their drugs and weed like those were the last things on this earth, yelling and panicking.
Yet, a group of boys stood still in the middle of the chaos, lazily conversing and totally ignoring the fact that the police were already at the door. One of them was kneeling over a girl who had tripped and was crying, concern in his soft doe eyes as he watched her, stroking her back softly. Their eyes clashed, and then someone was shouting, and the eye contact was broken, replaced with another.
Jimin realized he could see colors then.
His name was Min Yoongi, But Jimin didn’t learn the name ’Min Yoongi’, until much later. His hair was minty blue, closing more blue than green. Jimin had always liked the color, even if he hadn’t seen it before. It sounded pretty, and Jimin knew from Yoongi’s baffled expression that he had found his own soulmate. His lips stretched into a smile, yet somehow Jimin didn’t quite feel the same.
He had never been so conflicted as he was in that moment. Jimin felt like he was staring at the wrong person entirely. He had heard stories from his parents how ones whole world bursted alight and came alive, bringing love and affection and all things sweet, yet Jimin felt nothing of the sort.
The next thing he knew, someone was pulling him away, out of the window and to the fire escape. Jimin lost the sight of Yoongi midst the people running around frantically, and found himself baffled and out of words, a much larger body pressed against his own, staring down at the city.
His name, was Jeon Jeongguk.
Jimin could see him there with the city lights, fourteenth floor and deep brown eyes.
Jimin was so drawn to Jeongguk it was insane.
A mere hour later and Jimin had already fallen for those doe eyes that had appeared at the same time as his colors did. Jimin remembers the rain, sitting on the fire escape with his knees pulled against his chest, slightly shivering yet impossibly warm from the jacket Jeongguk had thrown over his shoulders, remembers thinking how blue it was. Pretty. Nothing like he had imagined, a bit darker, really, but still beautiful. He remembers covering his mouth behind his hand, giggling at some obscure joke Jeongguk had just made about bikers and their bikes, something he doesn’t even recall properly anymore. Not word to word anyway.
Even though Yoongi was the one who gave Jimin the ability to see colors, it was those doe eyes, which brought them to life.
Jimin just remembers laughing from the bottom of his heart.
Laughter was a yellow, soft hue.
Jeongguk’s eyes were brown. Deep brown.
And when the tides rose with the tension and their lips met in a heated kiss for the first very time, it was nearing a blinding orange.
The pleasure Jimin felt at Jeongguk’s big hands roaming over his body, in his own bed they had stumbled into without Jimin realizing how they really got there, was a bright red.
The kisses he gave Jimin with his bated breath in between were green, soft and affectionate and just for that night, Jimin felt so incredibly loved.
Kind green.
And waking up in the morning to find the left side of his bed being empty was a deep black of disappointment and grief.
Loving Jeongguk is always a color.
Jimin looks at Jeongguk.
The answer should be easy. Jimin shouldn’t love him, because Jeongguk is not his soulmate. That’s what he’s been told all his life. You give yourself to your soulmate, love them unconditionally, and everyone else is just someone, who’s not the one.
Yet, Jimin’s always liked breaking the rules.
Jimin doesn’t know how they might take it, the crew of people standing behind the camera, yet he can’t stop the next words.
He smiles softly, not caring of anyone else but Jeongguk. “Yeah, I love him.”
Behind the camera, Jimin can see Namjoon’s and the rest of the crew’s jaws going taut. Namjoon clears his throat softly, his body language screaming intrigue as he leans forward, being the one who speaks next. “Have you two discussed what comes after you find your soulmates?”
Jimin knows Namjoon has found his soulmate already. He’s married, he has a wedding ring around his neck, and one cannot marry anyone else but their soulmate. It’s not allowed.
“We don’t need to.” Jimin shakes his head, a soft, kind smile stained on his lips as he stares at Jeongguk, a brief sadness washing over his heart. He wonders whether he’s doing the right thing for them, being so honest as he is now. Because those eyes have already been through so much hurt, so much prejudice and insults that Jimin has once seen the light in them almost extinguish.
Jimin has seen Jeongguk struggling with whatever they are, wanting to fit the society that has no place for a relationship like theirs, yet wanting to hold onto Jimin a little longer.
Because Jeongguk is kind, he wants to hurt no one, yet everyone keeps hurting him.
But Jimin also promised he would be honest.
He takes a deep inhale, turning to the camera with a smile.
“We’ve already found our soulmates.”
“Come on. Why are you so quiet?” Jimin asks with worry in his tone, reaching forward to stroke the back of Taehyung’s neck softly. He relaxes at Jimin’s touch, a small smile tugging at his lips.
“Nothing.” Taehyung hums, but he still can’t raise his gaze to meet Jimin’s eyes. “Just- thinking.”
“What about?” Jimin tilts his head curiously. “Also, what did Jeongguk say?” Jimin can’t read from lips for shit, proven just now as he had tried to squint at the words he saw coming from Jeongguk’s mouth, yet unable to make any sense of the movements. Still, he had been surprised at the sudden tension in the atmosphere as he was finally allowed to take off the headphones, the whole room gone odd after Jeongguk’s turn.
Jimin’s dying to know what he said to make them all so quiet.
“Jiminie.” Taehyung looks up, gnawing his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m sorry.”
“What about?” Jimin asks.
“Nothing. Not yet, anyways.” Taehyung whispers, his eyes holding sadness. He looks like he’s about to cry. ”But, in the future, okay?” His voice softens.
“You’re not making any sense.” Jimin frowns, but it doesn’t look like he’s able to coax any other answer out of Taehyung, not today at least, so he gives up with a deflating sigh.
“Alright. I’ll get going now, okay?” He leans in to peck Taehyung’s cheek gently, running his hand gently through his hair once. He looks around the room and spots Jeongguk at the side, still conversing with Namjoon quietly.
“Okay.” Taehyung smiles. Jimin hums happily, already turning to walk away when Taehyung’s voice cuts through the air again.
“Jiminie.” He turns back to look at his best friend. The expression on Taehyung’s face is. Saddened.
“I think you should watch the video once it comes out.” He says, voice quiet.
“I was planning to anyways.” Jimin assures him. “If he didn’t say anything bad, I can wait. When’s it coming out? Do you know?”
“Should be out tomorrow.”
“Okay. Sure you’re okay?”
Taehyung nods.
“Okay. Bye, Taetae.”
“You ready?” Jeongguk instantly perks up when Jimin approaches him. His lips quirk in a gentle smile, and Jimin returns it without doubt, extending his hand wordlessly. Jeongguk hums, bids Namjoon goodbye and links their hands together.
“Thanks for having us!”
“Thank you for stopping by!” Someone’s yelling behind their backs, but neither of them turns to look, lost in their own world as easy as it is for both of them to breathe.
“Here.” Jeongguk says once they’re outside, pulling Jimin with him towards the parking lot. That’s where Jimin knows he’s parked his bike.
Jeongguk brightens like a small child when he sees it, grinning brightly at his 51 Triumph Bonneville aim - Jimin only remembers the name because Jeongguk ends up including it in every other sentence without meaning to - letting go of Jimin’s hand and reaching for the plastic bag that sits on the leather seat. Jimin huffs. Typical Jeongguk. He always leaves stuff laying on his bike, whether on top or just hanging from some extensions, claiming that if someone indeed steals his stuff it’s just bad luck for him, and nothing else.
“I brought beer.” He states proudly, holding the bag up as if Jimin can’t somehow see it.
Jimin laughs, shaking his head. He’s hopeless. “I can see that, dumbass. Now take me home.”
“So no beer?” Jeongguk pouts sadly, looking at the bag questioningly and then back at Jimin.
“I never said no! Take me home, and then beer!” Jimin argues, already swinging his leg over the seat and settling in comfortably. He can’t even recall how many times he’s rode this thing, but it’s like the first time every time. Jeongguk throws him a sleek blue helmet - Jimin doesn’t even question whether he carries an extra one just in case Jimin ever needs a ride - he knows Jeongguk does.
Because Jeongguk is kind.
“Get ready baby.” Jeongguk grins, looking back at Jimin.
Jimin rolls his eyes fondly, running his hand through his hair once. “Are you talking at me or the bike?”
“The bike.”
“Figured so.”
Jeongguk steps his foot on the pedal and briefly closes his eyes, his lips stretching into a thin smile as he sits back and listens to the purr of the engine. Jimin’s seen him do it so many times that he no longer questions it anymore, reaching forward to wrap his arms around Jeongguk’s waist.
After they are at a safe distance from the main streets and the schools where children might be around, Jeongguk discards all speed limits, opening the throttle wide. He takes in the bends and the curves and Jimin does the same, their knees closing in on the pavement as the world turns into a blur, yet he’s not afraid at all.
For Jeongguk, this was his therapy.
Once they have parked the bike at a close distance from the apartment, they head down to Jimin’s building. However, they don’t halt at his apartment, but continue all the way to the roof.
As the door opens the distorted view slowly comes into a focus again, a view they’ve stared at countless of times before, so often Jimin thinks it’s starting to lose some of its original color, these days closing in on shabbiness instead. He remembers the roofs and the buildings like the back of his pockets, as if it’s a given.
The moments, however, stay colorful.
There’s an old wooden bench facing the view, with a neatly folded blanket drooping from the backrest. Jeongguk’s doing from the last time they were here. Jimin has half the mind to chuckle as he recalls their dumb argument about it.
“Just leave the blanket.”
“But what if someone comes here?”
“Literally no one comes here, Jeonggukie. Just us.”
“Still. It looks nicer if it’s folded.”
“Oh my god, fine, just fold it and let's go.”
Jimin’s ran his fingers across the wooden cracks and spaces countless of times, sometimes sober and most of the times drunk, remembers them by heart, yet, while his hands were laid low, his eyes were somewhere entirely else the whole time.
On the dark skyline with the planes they’ve watched leaving, together dreaming of places they can never reach and imagining the worlds they’ll never get to see. On Jeongguk’s face, his blinding smile and his soft brown eyes, on the round moon above him on the streets below.
Jeongguk’s lighter goes off behind his back, and then Jimin hears him inhaling deeply, his lips taking small, slow draws of the cigarette. Jimin doesn’t like smoking, never has, but something about Jeongguk’s smell has made him get used to it. Nowadays, Jimin craves the musky scent of cigarettes mixed with Jeongguk’s cologne, as he inhales it into his lungs to the point of intoxication whenever they are pressed close together.
The night begins to fall steady and fast, and Jimin’s on his fourth beer by the time the night’s first plane takes off the nearest airport.
“Wonder where this one’s going?” He asks Jeongguk, who hums with a soft smile.
“Hope it’s somewhere nice.” He replies, taking a sip out of the can he’s holding, looking to the sky. “People deserve to go to the nicest of places.”
“You think we’ll ever be the ones to sit on board?” Traveling was meant for the people who already had it all. The money, the status, the life of which they had always dreamed of living. Traveling wasn’t meant for people like Jimin and Jeongguk. “Feel the wheel rolling underneath our seats, listening as the crew reads the safety manual?”
“You’ve watched youtube videos again, haven’t you?” Jeongguk asks, a teasing tilt in his voice.
“Can you blame me?” Jimin pouts defensively, raising his knees against his chest to keep warm.
Jeongguk inhales, a soft sigh leaving his lips. “No.” He says, shaking his head. “I can’t.”
Jimin can’t help but feel saddened at the longing in Jeongguk’s expression. He wishes Jeongguk could be the one experiencing the best of what life has to offer. The whole damn world is so messed up, giving to the people who have done nothing to deserve it, and letting others fade into the shadows, wiping out their existence altogether.
The whole damn world doesn’t deserve Jeon Jeongguk.
Jimin leans in carefully, pressing his lips on the corner of Jeongguk’s. “I’m sorry.” He says, smiling.
“What about?” Jeongguk asks cheekily, suddenly looping his arms around Jimin’s thighs to lift him to his lap. Jimin squeaks in surprise, delivering one hard slap to his chest. Jimin takes Jeongguk’s face in his hands, pressing his lips on his forehead, watching as Jeongguk’s gaze flickers to his lips.
“Nothing.” Jimin mumbles as their lips meet, already forgetting when all he feels is Jeongguk, his arms and his mouth, swallowing him completely and setting his colourful world in burning flames. “Nothing at all.”
Jimin still remembers the day he broke Yoongi’s heart apart.
Yoongi, surprisingly, understood, nodding as Jimin was lost on his explanation on how Jeongguk was the one, that he would always be the one no matter how Jimin tried to stay away and no matter how hard his life was gonna be if he indeed, chose Jeongguk over Yoongi. The two of them had been friends for a long time, so Yoongi must have seen it coming.
Jeongguk, however, never talks about his soulmate, not to Jimin at least. He says he’s already met him, sometimes talks about the moment when he first saw the colors with his own eyes.
Jimin sometimes wonders what went wrong. Why isn’t Jeongguk’s soulmate here with him?
Why does Jeongguk look so damn sad when he talks about him, as if some unseen tragedy had struck, but no one had died. Jeongguk can still see colours, so it means his soulmate must be alive.
What Jimin remembers the best, are the words Jeongguk had muttered one night when drunk, a happy, yet sad smile on his lips.
“I saw him coming from miles away. The room was filled to brink with people, yet all I saw was him, And he was beautiful.”
Jimin doesn’t invite Jeongguk in, because he doesn’t have to. He’ll come either way, like an addict looking for a decent high, anything to get him through the day. Before the door has even closed, Jeongguk wraps his arms around Jimin from behind, breathing heavily into his neck. His right hand drops to Jimin’s thigh, fingers digging into the muscles as his hand raises to tug at Jeongguk’s hair, a small moan escaping his lips. Jeongguk turns him around and they tumble to the bed, eyes searching as they lips meet in between.
Jeongguk’s saw him naked countless of times, but Jimin still feels just as exposed as if it was the first time. Jeongguk makes sure to kiss every curve and dip on his body, Jimin lets him do that and instantly craves for more, moans and spreads his legs when Jeongguk’s hand reaches in between them, touching his most intimate place.
“You look so beautiful, baby.”
His kind words.
His gentle hands.
Jimin knows he shouldn’t get too attached.
Because Jeongguk will snatch them all back tomorrow.
Then these unresolved feelings have no choice but to fade away, with nowhere to go. To stay unresolved. Unsaid. Just, words Jimin keeps stuffing to the backside of his heart, keeping them safe until comes the day when he can no longer deal with them, and let them all burst out.
As another train passes by the building and shakes Jimin’s whole world, Jeongguk and Jimin find their kingdom come in the united warmth of their clammy skins gliding along the dampened sheets, white strings of cum coating their middles.
Sometimes Jimin feels like this city’s got the better of him.
It has taken everything from him.
Jeongguk as well.
But Jimin has given everything too, by his own free will.
Knows what exactly he’s doing to himself, knows that this castle of love he has built around himself, isn’t what it seems. It’s a lie, a facade that helps him sleep for another night, just so that he could stare at those doe eyes and that heartfelt smile for just one more day.
Jimin knows that his love is wrong, but Jimin, he never wants to be right if that’s the case.
Jimin watches as Jeongguk begins to pull his clothes on.
“I’ll see you soon, Minnie.” Jeongguk murmurs softly, and begins to lean in. Jimin feels his eyes falling shut, a trace of warm lips left on the skin on his forehead. It feels too warm. “I’ll call you later.”
But on the contrary to most days, this time Jeongguk stays for a moment after having said the words he always says. He’s staring at Jimin, and Jimin lets him, as if trying to paint a clear picture of Jimin’s naked body in his head. His eyes remain unreadable. His hand is still on Jimin’s bare skin, and he bites his lip. The vulnerability of the moment makes Jimin brave as well.
“Jeonggukie.” Jimin calls, voice desperate and hands reaching, blinking his bleary eyes. “Please stay with me.”
He doesn’t ask this often, because Jimin knows Jeongguk will stay if he does ask. Jeongguk’s reduced him to begging, and Jimin’s cruel enough to force him to stay. Because Jeongguk’s kind. More kind, than anyone else. Jimin feels the bed dip under his weight, and then there’s arms curling around his body, Jeongguk pulling him to his chest, kissing the top of his head. Jimin closes his eyes, lets himself melt into Jeongguk’s hold.
Jimin’s always been scared of kind humans. Because that’s what Jeongguk is, he’s unbelievably kind, kind enough to stay by his side and hold Jimin even if he doesn’t love him. Jimin wonders what in their dna went wrong.
Why does Jimin feel like this is the person he belongs to, and why does this person keep himself at arms length no matter what he does, as if he’s afraid of tomorrow.
That Jimin who was barely brave enough to face this city by himself would have been incredibly disappointed in him. When he had arrived, he had been taught to wait for his soulmate, to live by the rules that were set. But Jimin can’t help himself.
Because this Jimin found this city laying in Jeongguk’s arms.
He found his place underneath Jeongguk’s body, under his doe brown eyes that swallowed and drank every curve of his body, Jimin found himself in the nights with cans of beer and a crappy view from his apartment complex’ rooftop, with laughter that had definite sadness and the words he always left unsaid, caught inside his throat instead.
And the Jimin back then, the one with shining eyes and the laugh that made all of the heads turn when he walked into a room, the one who had no idea of life and how everything came to happen;
That Jimin never knew he would end up staying for so long.
That Jimin, for the first time, doesn’t wake up to an empty bed.
He’s never been an early riser, and Jeongguk never stays long enough for Jimin to find out whether he’s bad at it too. Jimin has him on the evenings, sometimes on the days, but he never gets the mornings. And it’s not because Jeongguk’s having something else to do.
He never stays. Never has.
But Jimin, having stared at his bed being empty upon morning come for so many times now, doesn’t break apart anymore. He used to, but not anymore. Nothing doesn’t feel like anything anymore. He feels more numbness, as the days, months, and years speed and pass him by.
Sometimes he wonders what will really make him break, or will it ever happen.
Jeongguk never stays, yet when Jimin regains consciousnesses and begins to stretch his limbs in the morning light that looks more grey than usual, he still feels Jeongguk’s arm wrapped around his waist. Jimin doesn’t know what inspired the sudden change, but he’s not complaining at all, sighing in content and smacking his lips.
It must be raining. Jimin closes his eyes again, letting himself enjoy this for a bit more, with another body pressed closely to his own.
Eventually, enough is enough, and Jimin’s never been the one to stay put for too long in one place, so he slips from underneath the covers carefully not to wake Jeongguk, the soles of his feet coming into contact with the grey wooden floor.
Except, that wood is not grey. Never has been, never will be. It’s a soft brown, has been from the day he first saw colours with his own eyes.
But now.
Now, Jimin can’t see colors.
Nothing really registers at first.
His world turns into a blur, clouding the rest of his remaining senses behind a veil of confusion. The taste. The smell. Everything is just- gone.
Jimin can’t feel anything.
Until he feels it all, when the first tears begin stinging at the corners of his eyes. Jimin can’t see colours, and the realization sends him into a panic that overtakes his whole being.
His lungs start constricting painfully, his breath stuffed in his throat as Jimin stumbles through the blurred whirlwind of hysteria, searching for his phone to no avail. “I- The colors… I can’t see!” He keeps panicking, finally finding his phone and dialing a number with shaky fingers. “Come on, pick up, pick fucking pick up the damn phone-“
”Jimin, it’s too early what the fuck-“ Yoongi’s raspy voice answers from the other side of the line.
“Yoongi. You are alive.” Jimin breathes out, the sound of his voice surging him into another blind rage of panic. “You. Are alive. How are you alive?!” He screams at the phone, voice breaking.
“Jimin, what are you going on about-“
“You should be dead! Y-you’re my soulmate, and the colors, I can't see and you should be-“
The phone slips away from his grasp. Jeongguk should be awake by now. He should have heard Jimin’s screams, he should been here to wipe away his tears.
Jimin slowly turns to face the bed, more terrified than he’s ever been before. His heart doesn’t even beat anymore, crippled by the fear.
He reaches his hand to lift the covers.
And what Jimin finds, is an answer to the question that’s been playing in his head for a long time now.
Jimin’s life has been ‘almost’ perfect for as long as he can remember, so it’s no surprise the universe decided to fuck up the timing, not making him realize it sooner. Because little did Jimin know, that he in fact met his soulmate that night.
Yoongi was just someone, who just happened to stand in between them. Yoongi was just someone, who had found his own soulmate, yet his soulmate was already someone else’s soulmate.
Little did Jimin know, that there was another in the same room, who suddenly had colors brought into their life at the sight of a black haired head.
A someone who had been by his side all along, whispering words of comfort when Jimin needed it the most and holding him close.
A someone, who lay dead in Jimin’s own bed, accompanied nothing but the deafening screams of agony that come from his mouth.
Jimin’s feels his own body gone so cold he no longer even shivers. The rain keeps pouring down on him, running across his face and his frame, cold, and yet, so dull looking.
It’s not blue anymore.
Nothing will ever be blue again.
Jeongguk took Jimin’s colors away.
“Jeonggukie…” Jimin whispers a beg into the air, broken and shattered, but there’s no one, no one around to hear it. Jimin’s all alone. He’s laying in the mess he’s made, at the rooftop he’s been to so many times before, with no body to hold close.
The paramedics had to tear Jeongguk’s unmoving body from Jimin’s grasp. Jimin remembers screaming at them to fuck off, remembers holding Jeongguk’s face. He looked like he was asleep.
Yet, he was dead. The whole time.
Jeongguk was gone, and Jimin had to let his body go.
Jimin’s alerted into the sound of approaching footsteps.
“How did you know I was here?” He barely manages to speak, and his weak voice drowns even further into the plummeting rain. Jimin’s never hurt this much before. Everything hurts.
Taehyung watches him but Jimin can’t see his face, silent as he settles down to lay on the ground, facing Jimin. He’s cried. His eyes are wet with tears, and Jimin knows it’s not the rain. “Jeongguk told me I would find you here when the time came. I didn’t realize the meaning at the time, but then I heard from Yoongi just now. I came running.”
“I can’t see any colors.” Jimin’s hand grasps for Taehyung’s before his brain even realizes it, but gladly Taehyung’s already meeting him halfway without a question, linking their hands together between their bodies, holding on tightly. The rain drenches their warm skins as if needing another layer to soil, and Jimin keeps staring at their intertwined fingers, a soft sob escaping his mouth.
“I know.” Taehyung says. A lone tear escapes from the corner of his eye, mingling with the rain. “I know, Jimin, and I’m so sorry.”
Taehyung didn’t even know Jeongguk that well, so Jimin knows that expression is just for him. Jimin wonders what made him deserving of someone whose face looks like that, just for his sadness alone. What makes him so deserving of a person who comes running when Jimin’s world sets in bright flames and never extinguishes again.
“Jeongguk was my soulmate all along.” Jimin cries, looking up to his best friend. “Taehyung, he was my soulmate all along, and he just… His heart- it stilled in his chest, Jeongguk, he stopped breathing. I lost him Taehyung, I had already lost him and I had no idea, oh god, Jeongguk. I was right there!” Jimin wails, his throat beginning to hurt from screaming so much, but he doesn’t care. “I was- he was holding me, and then he disappeared. Jeongguk stopped being!”
Dead.
Jeongguk’s dead.
“He’s dead.” Jimin cries, mouth wide open for a scream he can’t pull out. “Why did he… Why did he- Jeongguk’s dead, why is he dead? He was holding me when I woke up but he had passed when I was sleeping? How’s that possible?”
Taehyung squeezes Jimin’s hand, exhaling as he closes his eyes, opening them again.
“Chim. Jeongguk had a brain tumor. He told me a few days ago. He got diagnosed before he met either of us, and was told he had a few good years left. It was a good way to go. He spend those two years with you, and it meant everything to him.”
“No, it wasn’t.” Jimin argues and his voice breaks.
“It was.” Taehyung says. “Painless.”
“And he didn’t die alone.” Taehyung points out.
“He died holding the person who mattered the most.”
Jimin chokes on a sob.
“He never said it-“
“You know he did, in so many ways, Chim. Him saying those words did not make you two anything less. You meant more to him. He knew he had to go either way, but he did his best still.”
“It’s not enough.” Jimin closes his eyes when the pressure inside his head is getting too much.
“It will never be enough.”
“Chim, it’s time to go.” Taehyung tugs on Jimin's hand gently. “You’ll catch a cold at this rate.”
Taehyung’s barely holding himself together, yet he has to try to stay strong for Jimin.
“I can’t move my legs.” He watches as Jimin shakes his head, refusing to move.
Taehyung sniffs, wiping the snot and tears to his sleeve. He pulls Jimin into a sitting position and settles between his legs, pulling his weak arms around his neck. “It’s okay. I’ll carry you.” He tells him, with the sweetest voice. ”It doesn’t matter if you can’t walk, I’ll carry you today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life if I have to.”
“Why?” Jimin closes his puffy eyes, nuzzling his face to his friends neck.
“Because you’re my best friend.”
At that, Taehyung feels as Jimin’s bottom lip wobbles and hears as Jimin tears break down Taehyung’s neck like a river, but this time.
This time, Jeongguk isn’t here to make it better, and Taehyung doesn’t have the answer to Jimin’s questions.
“You’ll take care of him once I’m gone, right? I’m leaving him to you.”
“You’re a cruel man, Jeon Jeongguk.” Taehyung tsks at the sky, silently hoping that the mere ferocity of Jimin’s agonizing sobs would be enough to bring those doe eyes back into his best friends life.
They never will.
They say the healing process is quick, that the human anatomy was made so that a person wouldn’t have to suffer for too long, already starting to forget things after a day.
Yet, Jimin wants to stop the time more than anything else.
He’s watching the interview. Again.
“Jimin was the only one who realized I was hell of a lot emptier than what I let others see.”
“So, what about your soulmate then?” Namjoon’s voice speaks from behind the camera.
“Minnie.” Jeongguk whispers softly. “Minnie is my soulmate. He may not realize it now, but he’ll come to know it. Soon. And Minnie will be sad. I know him, and I know I’ll break him. Just for a while.”
Then Jeongguk looks away from the Jimin back then, and straight into the camera, speaking to the Jimin who’s clutching the blanket tightly to his fist, tears streaming down his face.
“Don’t miss me too much, Minnie.” He whispers with a smile.
Then, the screen goes black, with the battery life closing in on zero.
Jimin wonders was the backdrop really white in the first place. He can no longer tell the colors apart anymore, and his memory too is starting to fail him. Every moment, every second he’s spent with Jeongguk these last two years, is beginning to fade away and slip from his grasp.
Jimin breaks into desolate sobs every time he forgets another tiny detail, yet a minute later not even knowing what he was crying about. Whether it was something Jeongguk said, or did.
Every time Jimin’s about to forget, he writes it down in bold letters. He’s written a whole notebook by now, because these last two years were so filled with Jeongguk, that there’s so many things he cannot let go off.
Jimin wonders what will even be left of them after it’s done.
Just the mornings, he supposes.
Because he had Jeongguk during the days, during the evenings and the nights.
But those are just the moments he never wants to forget.
“Oh god-“ Jimin gasps as he can’t recall what Jeongguk was wearing on the morning of the interview. “I don’t want to forget.” His breathing gets frantic as his chest heaves, panic and fear washing over his entire being. “Please-“ He begs for someone, anyone, the universe, his pained cries not relieved even by the solemness of his empty apartment. “I don’t want to- don’t take these memories away from me! Please!” He screams in agony, hands wrapped tightly around his body.
“Please…” He cries as another detail escapes his mind, blank spaces filling the void of his feelings. That what he’s forgetting. How it felt at the moment. Because now, as he reads the things he’s wrote down, Jimin feels nothing. “I can’t forget.”
This Jimin, the one who still remembers Jeongguk’s bright smile and his voice as he leaned in to whisper at his ear, the Jimin who can still feel the ghost-touch of Jeongguk’s strong arms wrapped around his waist, holds onto the pain with all his might.
Promising he’ll never let go.
Kind humans scare Jimin.
Because kind humans are not selfish.
That’s why, out of all the people he’s met, Jeongguk’s always scared him the most.
Because people like Jeongguk live their life thinking about others, and they always give more than they take.
Yet, when they do decide to take something for themselves, just for once in their lives, they end up taking more than what was given in the first place.
Jeongguk took this Jimin’s everything.
His colors, his soul, his love.
His heart.
Soon, his memories too.
And he left Jimin with nothing.
Yet, when this Jimin wakes up tomorrow, he’ll begin roaming the world that consists of only black and white, no longer able to remember what was it like to be held by a man named Jeon Jeongguk.
What was it like to be loved.