Work Text:
It’s squishy, trying to fit the three of them in frame, but somehow they manage it. Both Dan and Phil bracket Bella, who absolutely doesn’t want to be there. It takes treats and a constant hand on her back to keep her paws planted firmly on the bed. They wait until she relaxes, putting her head on her paws, before they start recording.
“Hello Dan and Phil puppies!”
“What.”
“It’s-”
“Did you just imply the fans were our puppies?”
“No, I just-”
“Right, whatever.” Dan cuts him off as usual but Phil doesn’t care, beaming at their audience through the camera. It’s hard to ever be annoyed with Bella around, “Hello everyone!”
At their enthusiasm, Bella's perked, sitting back up and glancing between her Dads as they speak over each other.
“Yes, hello!” Phil took control of the video back, “As you guys might not know, from the hundreds and thousands of instagram stories and the video we did last month a bit after her adoption day, we got a dog!”
Cue cheering music - Phil made a mental note.
“Yes, this is our ratdog, and yes we got her from a shelter and yes we know we live in an apartment and yes, it’s all very irresponsible of us. We know . We are aware, so you don’t have to point it out every two seconds.”
Phil gives Dan a moment to finish his rant, eyebrows rising until he stops talking, “No, see, it’s okay. Because Bella is just like us-” he says, and her head cocks towards him, making both him and Dan coo softly. “She sleeps like, eighty percent of the day, and we take her out all the time, and Dan takes her for a run like, daily. He’s gotten more exercise this week than he ever has in his life-”
“My whole life, tbh,” he says dismissively, distracting Bella with a toy when she starts to get to her feet. With both of them sitting, she only comes to their mid-shoulders, but she's still big enough to wrestle her way out of their grip if she's persistent enough.
“Anyway, the point of this video is not to defend our poor decisions-”
“As far as I’m concerned, we rescued a pup that was due to be killed, and that’s what matters,”
“Deep,” Phil murmurs, and maybe that part will get edited out, “Anyway, the point of this video is to-”
“Basically, we’re answering questions about Bella. We saw your tweets. It’s all you wanna know about. ”
“So, I went on a little website and found something called ‘pet tag questions’...” Phil says, holding his phone up.
“Pet. Tag?” Dan enunciates, “Like the tumblr tag, but less horrific?”
“I guess? Basically it’s just a heap of questions that I didn’t have to think of myself, for us to answer about Bella.”
“Don’t hate our content if this gets boring. You asked for this!” Dan says, pointing at the camera menacingly.
“Alright, so I’ll read the first one... “ Phil’s voice drops as he murmurs it, trying to read ahead before he says it out loud, “What- okay, what is your pet’s name?”
Dan rolled his eyes, “Bella,”
“Tell them the whole story, Dan….” Phil says, a gentle whine seeping into his voice.
Dan can’t resist, “Okay, okay. So we went down to this shelter. And look, it wasn’t like- I mean, we went there for her, specifically, because-” he pauses, glaring at Phil, “This guy, was looking at dogs, and she just happened to appear on our screen. And so we called them and we were like, hey, this dog, is she still available, can we come meet her? And they were like yeah, come down, she’s an angel yada yada,” he huffs. Phil listens in silence, rapt because he likes hearing the story too, “And so we go down there and she’s the saddest looking one there. This unsightly little rat that hasn’t had a bath and full on barks at us when we approach. But they let us in-”
“And one of the things that I was really conscious of was my allergies-”
“Oh, that’s right,”
“And so I was kind of wary, didn’t want to get too attached because as much as I like popping allergy pills everyday, I didn’t really want to have to. And some dogs are alright, like, Dan’s family dog Colin doesn’t really set me off, but like, our friends' Golden Retriever did. So….” he shrugged, “It was just something I was very aware of.”
“So they let us in with her and she’s a dog-gamn,” they both laugh, making fun of Dan for a second with stupid noises before they continue, “She’s a god-damn affectionate hoe. Like, immediately stopped barking as soon as we were in there and exposed her tummy for us for a scratch. And that was me gone. I was ready to scoop her up and take her home that second.”
“I was more hesitant. I know I was the one who was like, looking for a dog, but I was still like, ‘Are we really making this decision. Can we handle a dog. We have no stuff, it’s like, five in the afternoon, the shops will shut…”
“And then the cheeky shits at the shelter were like, ‘Yeah it’s so sad she’s one of the ones due to be euthanized’ and I was like, “Oh hell no, Phil, she’s coming with us.”
“And so that night we paid for her, rushed to the shops for some pet supplies, and brought her home. Luckily, I’m only slightly allergic to her, so it kind of means she can’t come in our- my room- No,” Phil grumbles as he waves his hands in front of the camera - a visual reminder to pay attention and edit this part.
“Nice going. On second thought - should we even talk about the euthanasia?” Dan asks, quieter and more serious now they’ve got a second to themselves. Bella grumbles between them and stretches and they take a moment to realign her between them. They stock her up with another round of treats, hoping she'll give them just a little more time.
“I was going to edit it out the first time you mentioned it…” Phil answers cheekily, and Dan shrugs.
“Alright, no euthanasia. Let’s go back. Umm. So the shops will shut…” Dan murmurs to remind himself, “Okay, got it,” he says, and they’re back ‘on’ again, sitting straighter and grinning at the camera again, “And then we just sat there for a bit and played with her and the ladies at the shelter start telling us more and more about how Bella ended up with them,” he continues, but it’s not like it’s a lie, “And how she was like, abandoned at the shelter at like, three months old and I was like “Right, she’s coming with us.””
Phil nodded, “And so that night we paid for her, rushed to the shops for some pet supplies, and brought her home. Luckily, I’m only slightly allergic to her, so it kind of means she can’t go into some rooms - like the gaming room, so I don’t sneeze every time I’m trying to, you know, diffuse bombs and stuff like that.”
“Yeah, because we do that so often on the gaming channel,” Dan laughs. He pauses then, frowning a little, “Wait, what was the actual question?”
“Um, what’s her name?”
“Oh my god, that was not the answer to that question. Wow, wanted to know her name and I just gave you her origin story. If this was a first date, you guys would be out of here.”
Phil giggles, shaking his head, “Anyway, so Bella.”
“Yeah, so they told us her name-”
“And immediately 2008 Twilight vibes are hitting us in the face-”
“So we’ve paid for her and we’re stood at the counter and we’re like, “So Bella. Where’d that name come from” and they’re like “Oh, we just use random names for our long term guests” which is kind of cute but also, Bella? And so we were like, “Oh, is it okay if we change that, or does she know her name” and sadly she knows her name really well and they told us it’d be pretty hard to train her out of it.”
“It’s possible, but it’s really weird. So like, one way to do it is to replace sounds? So say her name is Bella and we wanted to call her, like…” his eyes go wild as he tries to think of a name, “Raptor.”
“Raptor?” Dan mouths, one eyebrow so high it almost reaches his hairline.
“Rover, okay? Rover.” Phil corrects, “So instead of calling her Bella, you have to call her Rella, and she should answer to that really easily because apparently dogs only hear inflections or something, and not real letters? I don’t know how true that is, but then you’d transition into Revah, to get that sound in her head but still associating it with her name, and then Rovah, and then eventually she should answer to Rover.”
“But that sounded like a lot of months of confusing work and we couldn’t be bothered, so Bella it is!”
“Our one saving grace is that we can kind of pretend that maybe she was named after Matt Bellamy, from Muse, and then it’s kind of okay again,”
“Our rat dog guitarist,” Dan says dreamily, before laughing, and Bella's tail wags in frame at the sound, “Okay, now that we spent our entire lives on one question, what’s the next one? No, wait, I’ll read it.”
Bella tries to make another escape and Phil hastily shoves treats in her mouth, trying to distract her.
“How old is your pet?” Dan reads.
“She’s about two and a half years old. The shelter didn’t really know, so they guessed and then we chose her birthday based on that guess, which is the sixth of April, which is exactly between our birthdays.”
“Disgusting,” Dan murmurs, because it’s sappy but he was the one who suggested it in the first place.
"Okay, so the next question is... What is your pet's favourite toys?" Phil says, before slumping over and huffing, "Damnit, I was supposed to get her toys. Hold on," he gets up and Bella immediately follows him, which Dan lets because a break would do her good. It's not often she's ever had to sit still like this.
Phil returns a few moments later with a plastic crate, which he puts down on the floor out of view. Immediately, Bella pokes her nose in, sniffing violently until Phil calls her back onto the bed.
"Okay, let me read it again," Phil says, bringing his phone in front of his face, pausing a moment to let Dan and Bella settle, before reading again, "What is your pet's favourite toy?"
"Bella is a fickle little shit," Dan starts, and Phil shoots him a look, "What? The first night, when Phil was rushing around the shop while I sat with Bella, we got her three things - a dog blanket, a squeaky toy, and a soft toy..." he said, rummaging around the box until he found the three things, "In what- three, four weeks, we now have seventeen different toys, plus her blanket!"
"No, surely-"
"Seventeen, Phil. We have four stuffed toys, five flavours of dental chew, because her breath, my god - like Satan's morning breath - two squeakers-"
"Which she isn't allowed while we're editing or at night, because it drives us both bonkers."
"Three ball shaped rubber things that her treats go in, a Kong and two ropes. Let's- let's just get a close up of this rubbish," Dan continues, pulling his phone out to video the crate, giving a mini-tour of the box, "And clearly she needs all of them."
"I have to admit, a lot of that is my fault. Whenever I'm in a shop, I'm just drawn to the pet aisle and I have to get her a present..." Phil said, offering Bella one of the rope toys. She completely ignores it in favour of rubbing her head against the duvet.
"Yes, you need to stop," Dan says, shaking his head, taking the phone from Phil. “What is Bella’s favourite food?”
“Ooh, okay. Well, I don’t know if this is her favourite, it’s just what we give her, but- okay, so the first two weeks she was on dry biscuits because that’s what they were feeding her at the shelter? And then we were told by some friends that just a diet of dry biscuits was like having to forever eat sugarless cereal for the rest of your life, and like, that sounds rubbish. And then there was all this stuff about wheat and grain versus like, actual meat based stuff that we hadn’t even considered. So we did our research and now we cook up a bowl of like, rice and frozen vegetables with doggy meat-”
“Not like, meat of dogs. Meat for dogs,” Dan clarified helpfully, and he gives her one of the dental chews, which she accepts this time, happily chowing down.
“Yeah. So we cook that up and mix it with like, 90% chicken based biscuits, and we had to like, start by mixing in her old biscuits first…” he huffed, eyes widening, “Owning a dog is hard guys. There’s a lot of just…. things that you need to look out for.”
“Like shit on the carpet, especially after we changed her diet,” Dan winced, “Whatever security bond we thought we were getting back is definitely no longer.”
“And she didn’t want to sleep the first night. She was so excited. Or any other night, for that matter. She keeps barking - I’m worried we’re going to get a fine or something,” Phil huffs, "I think the pigeons are antagonising her!"
“But it’s worth it!” Dan said quickly, “No regrets, at all-”
“Definitely not. I mean, I sit here complaining, but I complain about Dan too-"
"Hey!"
"-and you don't see me regretting living with him..."
"Next question please!”
“Okay, okay," Phil laughs, "Umm, alright, have you taught your pet any tricks?"
"Oh my god," Dan starts, "This-” he cups her muzzle gently, turning her face to his, “This one right here is such a little-”
“Dan, be nice,” Phil chastises quickly, before he can let another swear word in.
“She's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, beautiful pup in the world," Dan corrects, before making a vomit noise at the camera.
Phil laughs, scratching her behind the ears so much her eyes almost roll into the back of her head.
“Seriously though. Two and a half, you'd think someone would've taught her to SIT,” he bellows the last word and Bella stares at him with recognition in her eyes, but isn't sure why she should recognise it, “We spend fifteen minutes, twice a day trying to get her to put her damn ass on the floor.”
“It's like her butt is one side of a magnet and the floor is another. They repel.”
Dan laughs, caught off guard by the joke and shakes his head fondly, “Anyway, so no. Bella knows shit all.”
“No, wait, she sits for her food!”
“Oh, yeah. So like, won't sit for a command. Won't sit for a treat. But as soon as the dinner bowl comes out she's a perfect fucking angel.”
There would be lots of bleeps for the edit, it seemed.
“We are trying to train her,” Phil says, “But… you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”
“We’ll get there,” Dan says, “She knows her name, and she walks on a leash, at least. So that’s good. I thought that was like, something that was just instinctual-”
“Instinctual?” Phil laughs, “What you think that you put a wolf on a leash and they’ll just happily follow you about?”
Dan shoves him, laughing, “Shut up, I don’t know. Of course not.”
At the heightened energy, Bella's tail wags, staring between them excitedly, before nipping Dan's shoulder.
"Ow, you shit," he giggles, before his voice turns a little more stern, "No, we don't bite," he growls, before glancing at the camera again, "She's- she's a work in progress, okay? If you were without a family for your whole life, you would be too."
Phil just shakes his head and laughs, searching for the next question, muttering some of them under his breath, “No, no, we’re not putting clothes on Bella-”
“Oh yeah, definitely not. It was cute with Nuki but I’m not literally putting a hoodie on Bella.”
“I think she’d hate it,” Phil laughs fondly, “She’d try and take it off immediately.”
Finally, especially after being scolded, Bella’s had enough. She stands on the bed, shaking herself and dropping to the floor.
“Noo, come back…” Phil whines, reaching out with grabby hands for her, but she ignores him, even when he calls her name.
“Good to know that’s what her tolerance level is at… but she’ll learn,” Dan says, winking at the camera.
“Oh my god, what are you going to be doing with Bella on camera?”
“PHI-IL!” Dan screeches, leaning close, outraged, “What are you even imPLYING?”
Phil cringes at how loud he’s being, giggling as he curls away from him, “It was you - you were the one implying things with your winking!”
“Not THAT !” he cries, shaking his head, addressing the camera now, “Honestly, this guy.”
Phil just rolls his eyes fondly, “There will be no furry schenan-”
“Nope, nope,” Dan waves his hands at the camera again, laughing, his voice dropping, “Don’t even bring that into this video. We’ll never hear the end of me wanting to fuck Bella otherwise.”
Phil laughs softly, “True. Do we want to keep in the winking?”
“Let’s see how it fits. It wasn’t too bad. Are there actually any more questions?”
“Eh, they’re all pretty lame. It’s like, for people who have known their pet more than three weeks.”
Dan shrugged, “Let’s call it? Maybe nobody will notice we only answered like four questions.”
“We can chuck a little montage of our first couple of days at the end and push it to at least ten minutes,”
Dan smirks knowingly, chuckling softly as he nods, “Alright. Wanna do the intro to that and then we’ll do the end screen and I can start editing…?”
Phil nods, grinning back at the camera, “Well, with Bella gone, there’s not much point to our video now. Maybe we’ll be back when she’s a little more interesting… for now, please enjoy some clips of her first couple of days here in our home!”
They paused again, and Dan stretched, “I’ll start,” he hummed absently, running a hand through his curls before sitting back up properly, checking that Phil was ready before he spoke, “Aw…” he cooed, over exaggerating, hands clasped in front of him, “She was sooo cute…”
Phil laughed, his grin wide as he started the end screen, “So there you have it, folks. Our first couple of weeks with Bella have been a little rocky but overall really nice. Thanks to everyone who recommended us to get a dog-”
“Oh because they definitely had something to do with it,” Dan laughed, rolling his eyes.
Phil steamrolled on, “Obviously we have insta stories still so you’ll probably be seeing a lot of Bella-”
“Soz not soz,”
“So don’t forget to subscribe, check out our instagrams and give us and Bella a thumbs up! GoooooodBYE!”