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“Welcome to FakeLover how may we help you?” A nice, feminine-sounding voice asked. Patrick could already picture long wavy blond hair and manicured nails.
“Yeah, so here’s the issue. My family is having a party on, well, in three days, and I sort of don’t really have a date, and they’re gonna harass me so I figured I’d get myself a fake one.”
“Right, but I was asking out of courtesy, we don’t actually care, we need to know what kind of date you want.”
“Pardon me?”
“You’re forgiven, sir. What type of date. Funny, quirky, bookworm, nerd, drinker or non-drinker, vegan, drug free, conservative, liberal.. A girl, I’m assuming?”
“Oh, uh, no actually, a guy. For the rest well, I don’t really care. I mean please don’t pair me up with a Neo-Nazi but other than that, no specific requests.” Patrick replied. He couldn’t really figure out why anyone else would be so specific on a fake date but oh well.
FakeLover was a company that had been operating for about 5 years now. It was a pretty new concept, but rather smart. People sometimes need a guy or a girl to accompany them somewhere, as their date. Whether it’s to break your exes heart or to make your crush jealous or… Well, get your family to stop asking if you “finally found the one”, they just pair you up with someone who also needs a date, and well… You guys go to each other’s events for a while .
“Alright, a guy for mr….?”
“Stump, uh, Patrick Stump.”
“Okay, could you describe yourself briefly, Mr Stump?”
Patrick offered them a quick description of his looks and lifestyle, and about five minutes later, they were telling him they’d update him as soon as they found a match. Well, guess he just had to wait and see.
Later on in the day, he went grocery shopping, making sure he’d have all necessary ingredients to cook something so he wouldn’t show up empty-handed. He wasn’t too good of a cook, but he was good at following recipes, so whenever he followed one exactly as-is, it came out pretty good, assuming the recipe was good.
After he’d mixed all the dry indregients, then added the water into the bowl, meaning, the moment he had his hands in the dough, his phone rang, of course. His heart beating hard against his chest, though he knew it was most likely not for his date thing, he got his hands out of the sticky substance, rinced them quickly and managed to get the call, hoping his phone wouldn’t get too wet. He held it between his cheek and shoulder as he went on cooking.
“Well, hi Mr Stump, we found you a match!! Yay.” The person on the other side said, not really sounding all that excited about it. “There will be a date before the ones you two have, just so you can make sure he’s, you know, legit. We recommend a place with a lot of people around, just in case. The description he provided was, well, god I hate my job. ‘Sexy sexy guy with lots of tats. Rawr.’ That’s it. I’ve said it. We will put you in contact with him right away, I’m transferring the call.”
“No, a-actually I’d like to talk to him la-” Patrick managed, trying not to drop his phone in the water. That would ruin the pie.
“Too late, bye bye, Mr Stump.” They said, elevator music immediately blasting into Patrick’s ear as he waited for his call to be transferred.
“Yello?” A dude chuckled on the other line, at some point. His voice wasn’t all that deep, just enough to be nice hearing.
“Yeah, uh, hi.” Patrick said not really knowing what exactly to talk about.
“Oh you sound hesitant, am I interrupting something?” The ‘sexy sexy’ guy asked and Patrick could hear the fucking eyebrow wiggle in his voice.
“No, actually, I don’t-- Well, yes, you’re interrupting me making a pie.”
“Oh, are you kneading the dough?”
“I will legitimately hang up.”
“Okay okay man, just kidding. So, I’m supposing you’re not looking for your soulmate, huh?”
“Th-through a fake dating company, are you mad?” Patrick replied, almost choking on the air.
“I mean, some of us have rom com dreams, y’know. So what’s your little name, anyway?”
“First of all, my name isn’t little, it’s Patrick. Patrick Stump.” Said man replied, distracted as he was kneading the dough.
“Aren’t you gonna ask me mine?”
“Dear stranger, what’s your little name?” Patrick asked in a perfect enamored teen girl impression.
“I’m Pete, but you can call me anytime. Wink.”
“Did you just say ‘wink’?”
“Well, duh, I can’t really wink, can I?
“Listen, Pete, yes, I will call you anytime, anytime else than NOW, because NOW, I’m making a pie, so if you don’t mind, honey-darling, I’m gonna hang up now.” Patrick said, not really pissed, just sort of annoyed. He was dating a man-child. No, even worse, he was pretend-dating a man-child. How did he stoop so low?
“Bu-” Pete’s voice was cut off by Patrick’s phone dying. Well, guess it’s good that he didn’t have to hang up on his date.
☺☺☺
Despite having had terrible experiences in his calls with Pete, he soon learned the guy wasn’t bad , he just genuinely had no sense of humor. So say, he called at three am to whisper “egg”, that was supposed to be funny. Also, why the hell was Pete calling at three am when they weren’t even friends? Well, obviously, to whisper “egg” into Patrick’s ear. He asked the guy if it turned him on. It did not. Patrick did not take any other call that day.
Curiosity had gotten the best of him and he’d tried googling his name, trying to see if he’d find some dirt or a catfish thing, but of course, he did not get very far with only the guy’s first name. A part of him knew to know best than expect an Adonis, I mean, CLEARLY, he was single, so…. But, at the same time, another part of his knew that exterior appearance doesn’t matter so much. Only the inside counts. Like candy, it can be ugly as fuck and still taste 10/10 (#deep).
Now, he found himself looking forward to their first meeting, that wasn’t technically a date, it was just hanging out and drinking some coffee, maybe talking about stuff, their families, the events they’d be going to in each other’s company… That’d be nice, Patrick supposed.
He still had to run a few errands before he was absolutely ready for the party, it was kind of A Big Deal to his family and he needed some kind of formal attire, so he picked a red and black suit along with a white dress shirt and tried them on, trying to determine whether that looked good or not. He’d told Pete to find something really formal as well, he was just hoping Pete’s idea of formal and his matched.
☺☺☺
They met for the first time (fucking finally) at a little hipster-ish café in the middle of downtown. When Patrick first saw him, he dismissed him as just another client, but when he went to see specifically Patrick (who’d told him how he’d be dressed and what he’d be reading so he could be easily spotted), he was left positively impressed. The guy was very good-looking, and well, the outside doesn’t matter that much, of course, it just surprised him a guy that good-looking was single.
“I’m Pete.” He said with an absolutely charming smile, and the blond’s heart stopped for a few minutes in his chest… but it immediately restarted when the guy added, “ But you can call me anytime.”, now with an actual wink. God, never mind, this guy may be pretty but damn he was dumb.
“Yeah, you’ve already made that one. Patrick, pleased to see you.” The other male replied, still sort of chuckling. The boy’s stupidity was endearing, in a way.
“Well, are we getting coffee or are we just talking business?”
“Why not both?”
Of course, the coffees were absolutely overpriced and the terrible acoustic-pop didn’t make up for it, but at least he had Pete to keep him company. Pete who kept cracking absolutely lame jokes yet Patrick couldn’t help but to laugh at them. Again, sorta cute. The kind of “cute” that doesn’t work well in marriage, Patrick supposed, but cute nonetheless.
“Hey, hey, Trick, I like you a latte!!”
First eye roll.
“Hey, Rickster, why’re you putting sugar in your coffee?? You’re already sweet!!”
Second eye roll.
“Hey Trick, can I get a sip?” “Uh…. Sure, I guess??” “MY SALIVA TOUCHED YOUR SALIVA! WE’VE FRENCHED!!”
Third eye roll.
“Hey Pat!--”
“Do not call me Pat.”
“Alright Pat, so, as I was saying--”
Eventually, they started talking business, which was the real reason they were here after all. They discussed about the different requirements in the events and the way they should show up and how they should act. Pete told him more about the date he’d be going to, also a family situation, except it was more about keeping his integrity. Basically, he’d been pretending to have a stable boyfriend, (yeah, okay, he’d lied) so that his family wouldn’t question him too much on his life, because they were hyper-critical of on and off relationships and hook ups and such, but Pete wasn’t settling down anytime soon, and every person he’d actually dated was only in it to get down and dirty so he didn’t really have anyone to ask for this little favor. Patrick looked like a fairly serious guy though, Pete’s parents would like him. It’d be a little sad when they’d “dramatically break up”, but until then, this was a “stable, loving relationship” for all they knew. Okay okay, supposedly lying is bad but also… It’s not really their business.
After their “date”, Patrick went home very reassured. The guy 1. Was not a catfish, 2. Was actually a pretty nice person, in his opinion, and 3. Had acted like they were friends the whole time, which relieved a lot of his worries.
☺☺☺
The Day came sooner than the blond expected and he found himself nervously dressing up to attend an event full of people he did not know pretending to be someone he was not and would probably never be. Off to a great start. Pete had told him to go rather casual, so he opted for jeans and a formal-ish shirt instead of dress pants and all that. He washed his face, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, put on perfume, had a breakdown on the bathroom floor, washed his face (bis) and felt not ready at all, but Yolo. He called up Pete to let him know where to go get him and less than twenty minutes after, the dark haired guy’s car was parked in front of Trick’s apartment. The drive was mostly quiet, save for some small talk. Patrick hoped the rest of the event wouldn’t follow that pattern.
The house the party was held in was gigantic, it intimidated Patrick a little (a lot) to go in there, but Pete slid his arm around the guy’s waist (not without asking before) and pulled him a little closer as they walked and it made him feel a little more at ease. Like, at least he was with someone else, someone he sort of knew. Before he started thinking of all the possible crimes and horror movies that would start off with prompts like this one, Pete’s parents were greeting him rather nicely, but from two feet away, a fake-looking smile and nods, two waves. The dark haired guy had warned him about that, ‘very likely to happen, don’t take it personally.’, so Patrick didn’t.
It took about an hour or two before people stopped really paying attention to “Pete’s little boyfriend” as they liked to call him, but Patrick was very glad it happened in the end. He didn’t like all the attention he was receiving, first off because he was lying to all these guys, second, because it was clearly fake. Their faces screamed that they did not approve and well… It wasn’t great being in the spotlight in that situation.
They were all very cold in general, didn’t speak much. Pete soon graduated from having the privilege to hold Patrick close to Patrick leaning his head on the other guy’s to sneak a little kiss onto his cheek and both their hearts fluttered in unison beneath their ribcages. But of course, neither of them knew the other felt the same. Patrick had, of course, only done that to make the act more believable, because couples always do some PDA no matter where they are. Also, he was single and lonely, and this was almost like, a friendly kiss. Pete was obviously not expecting it and Patrick was almost certain the big smile that followed was genuine, his eyes almost shining.
“I need to show you something!” Pete exclaimed, when everyone was chatting about how smart, pretty and nice their kids were. “C’mon.” He prompted, pulling on Patrick’s wrist to peel him off the couch they’d claimed sovereignty over.
Patrick followed the motion. When they were in the stairs, his hand sort of slipped and Pete’s fingers caught his just in time. Neither of them let go.
“Look man, look how pretty the shooting stars are.” Pete said, pointing at the sky. They were now sitting on the roof, they’d climbed out of a bedroom window.
The blond limited himself to nodding and humming, watching the meteorite shower and how it lit up certain parts of the universe.
“Now you gotta make a wish!” Pete said enthusiastically.
“Done.” Patrick replied, smiling at him.
“Me too.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you, silly.”
☺☺☺
So that was day 2, and Patrick slept in the morning of day 3. Day three, day three, fuck. He reluctantly jumped out of bed and hopped in the shower half-asleep, remembering yesterday night and thinking ‘Wow, that was a lot of fun.’ The blond only hoped that after this would be over (meaning, tonight), he’d find himself someone who’d be just as fun to be around, even if it meant that annoying. Patrick had no choice but to get dressed up quickly, this time a little bit more formal. He’d told Pete to do so as well but now he was scared the guy would somehow forget and just go in jeans and a t-shirt and though, rationally, that made no sense… Right now it really did.
Since he had no car and Pete did, it was his “date” who came to pick him up (what a gentleman) and Patrick immediately felt guilty for doubting of the boy’s ability to dress well. He was wearing a button-up with a dark red velvet suit that looked way too good to be true on him. His hair was styled in a doubtful way but the white button up made up for it, along with the radiant smile Patrick was offered.
“Holy shit.” He unconsciously said, completely charmed.
“Holy shit yourself.” Pete replied, a slightly mocking grin on his lips but the rest of his face looking equally impressed. “C’mon, get in.” He made a head motion, and then “Where to, babe?”
Patrick never liked pet names, literally, hated them with all his might, but the way… The way Pete said it, soft, gentle, it made his heart jump happily inside of his chest. His cheeks were soon the color of Pete’s suit and the man had no problem with yelling “TWINZIES!!” very loudly, pointing at Patrick’s cheeks before chuckling “Anyway, where to, blushy boy?”
“I will literally kill you to death.” Patrick declared before telling Pete the address. As expected, anyone who accompanied Patrick was like family to his parents, who were quick to introduce themselves with a handshake. The father’s gaze was a little more disapproving, but Patrick knew whatever happened, the drama wouldn’t be in front of the person. Though they weren’t anything, he still felt relieved they accepted Pete so easily, for some strange reason.
Many other members of the family showed up, certain more and other less approving of the relationship, but Patrick didn’t care that much, and for some reason, it wasn’t because it wasn’t real. This whole time, it was Patrick’s turn to have his arm around Pete’s waist, and though everything was going smoothly, the man was weirdly stiff, and seemingly less relaxed with each passing minute.
“Hey, I put this on so I could be soft like a teddy bear, aren’t you gonna hug me? Maybe kiss me too?” Pete said into Patrick’s ear at some point, and that’s when the blond knew his friend was back.
He did end up hugging the boy, partly just out of pity and also because he really was soft. It was very nice, hugging him in general. It’s like they fit perfectly together. Patrick pulled away with an “Are you happy now?”
And he was totally defeated when another disarming grin was sent his way, one with the shimmery eyes and all. “You know what, I think even if you’re not wearing this, you’re still the teddy.”
Patrick hummed and nodded, yet still sat a little closer to the guy for the rest of the party. Sure enough, it kept getting more late with every minute and the blond found himself wanting to say something but not remembering what it was he wanted to tell Pete so desperately.
“Hey… We’re not gonna see each other ever again, are we?” The dark-haired boy asked after it was over. They were standing on the porch, just dying for this to last a little longer.
“… I guess not.” Patrick said, a little sadly.
“Can I ask for a kiss? Like, a real one? I mean I know we’re not an actual thing but your lips look so soft and I just… wanna know.”
Patrick shrugged, grabbing Pete’s chin and bringing it towards himself. He turned his head just a little, gently placing his lips on the other boy’s, pulling his lower lip with his teeth, sort of gentle still. They ended up against the front door, frenching like desperate teens, but it was nice. It was a good balance between too much tongue and too little, it was a nice balance between no feelings and too many-- no. There weren’t any feelings involved.
Pete pulled away, out of breath. “Hey, Trick, my name is--”
“Pete, I can call you anytime, yeah. Well guess what, Pete?”
“What?”
Patrick leaned forward to place one last kiss against Pete’s lips (for tonight).
“I have unlimited calls in the country, guess I’ll have to put that to a test.” He replied with a wink of his own.
The End