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There were no rules for this sort of thing. No handy guide or a five-step plan written by an expert. Just some websites written by people who tried their hardest to be helpful but in the end every situation was just too different to make a generalisation and reading page after page of instructions was no use.
For two months now Dan had stopped and removed himself from the situation when things got too heated. When he felt himself getting riled up and his skin started tingling where Phil’s fingers ran. He was starting to run out of self-control, especially because he’d taken off Phil’s shirt before but had to suddenly hit the brake when Phil tried to do the same to him. Truth was, he wanted to feel those hands run over his ribs and those lips to touch his stomach the way they touched his neck. He wanted Phil to have every part of him, but the shiver of fear that went down his spine every time Phil’s fingers got too close to his chest or crotch stopped him from action, and although he’d tried to initiate the conversation a few times he always chickened out at the last moment.
It was a Saturday evening when Dan somehow built up the courage to speak. Or maybe he was just too tired of waiting and discipling himself to care anymore. Either way, he’d made Phil a nice home cooked dinner when he’d come over straight after his shift at the electronics store, put on a romantic film after, and gone along with the kissing that sparked while the end credits rolled. Phil was thoughtful enough not to press anymore. He kissed and kept his hands in safe areas until Dan clearly showed they could go a little further, as he was doing now.
He was slipping his hands under Phil’s shirt, fingers brushing the soft skin of his back just below the waistband of his jeans, as his lips traced along the other boy’s neck. Phil let it happen for a little while. He relaxed into it and kept one hand on Dan’s hip and the other on his cheek. Safe.
“There’s something you should know.” It was out there before Dan could change his mind or start doubting himself. The words came out in a warm breath against Phil’s throat, and he kept his face there to avoid having to look the other in the eye.
“Okay, what is it?”
“Don’t freak out.”
Phil tried to move his head up, look at Dan’s face, but Dan kept his face pressed into the nook between his shoulder and neck.
“I won’t freak out.” He said.
Dan’s throat was closing up. Trembling fingers reached out and took Phil’s hand from his waist, guiding it up. Up to his chest. Phil kept still, waiting for instructions or an explanation and too scared to do anything that might scare the boy beside him. Dan’s hand covered his as he finally looked up to face him. His expression was questioning, and it made Phil feel bad for not understanding yet. He didn’t want to make him say anything he couldn’t find the words for, but his mind was blank with his hand in an area that was definitely not ‘safe’ the way the places he usually got to touch were.
He shook his head. Lightly. Apologetically.
Dan didn’t seem annoyed or impatient, instead taking him by the wrist and moving his hand down, under the hem of his shirt, and putting it back down on where he should have found the warm, bare skin of his chest. Instead he found more fabric.
He didn’t want to ask, but when he looked up Dan was already opening his mouth, “a binder.” He said. It took Phil a second or two to remember what that was, and what that meant.
“Right.” Was all he could say when he realised. He was a little surprised at the fact that he felt no shock. Not even a feeling of ‘it’s fine but I need to get used to the idea’. Nothing. “Alright.”
His eyes refocused on Dan’s face, which was showing pure nerves and fear. “Okay?” He whispered. His voice was quiet and tentative, body tense beside him.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m not sure what to say.”
“Are you upset?”
“No, no. God, no. Not at all. I just-“ he half-grinned, glanced down and then back up, “I only know my way around a penis. But I can figure it out.” A pause. “If you want that, of course. It’s cool if you don’t.”
Dan let the words dawn on him for a few seconds before he tried to form a response, “You don’t mind?”
“No. I don’t know, I feel like I should feel something about this, but I just don’t. I don’t mind, or I don’t care, I don’t know. You’re a guy and I’m in love with you and this changes nothing.”
Dan’s heart fluttered as a blush crept onto his already rosy cheeks, “You’re in love with me?”
“Thought that was pretty clear.” Phil said, grinning.
“I mean, I’m in love with you too.”
“Well, that’s settled then.” Phil was properly smiling now. A smile Dan had come to love over the past three months they’d been going out, and it made him want to kiss him so much it was hard to contain himself. “I have to be honest,” Phil continued, moving forward to press their foreheads together, “if you want it too, I’d like to go a bit further. We don’t have to, of course, I won’t pressure you and I won’t hold it against you if you don’t want to, but I would like to.”
God, Dan did not need to be told that twice. He let himself go, pulling Phil in and kissing him hard, not caring where his hands went and moving his own to rid Phil of his shirt. Phil mirrored his movements, glancing up to ask for consent with his eyes, just to be sure.
They were eager. Desperate after two months of waiting neither of them had really wanted. Phil left the binder alone for a while, busying himself with the newly exposed skin around it, but eventually Dan moved to take it off himself, and Phil was happy to help.
Their hands roamed the skin they had wanted to touch for so long. Dan confidently left a trail of open mouthed kisses down Phil’s torso, teasingly stopping at his belt, while Phil’s fingers explored where he hadn’t been allowed before. He was no longer restricted to Dan’s hips and shoulders. Every inch of his body was now a safe area.