Chapter Text
Eugene hated the YouTube comment section. He knew he hated it. He knew how it made him feel. Yet here he was, at three in the morning, mindlessly scrolling below their latest upload. Most of the comments were nice and supportive, but some were just… yeah. Relatively, there weren’t very many at all; but the ones that were there really hit hard. Then the fact that his brain just kind of takes over after reading a few comments, it’s just not good and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this. He knows he should be sleeping or working or doing anything else. Sometimes it’s hard to want to not hate yourself.
With his already declining mental state, he was at ground zero for self-hatred. But the thing he was most worried about was people noticing that there was something wrong with him. He was trying his best to act normal in front of the cameras and with the guys but his best wasn’t good enough because after a few days, the other three started picking up on something. They wouldn’t confront him about it though, so Eugene was just left to himself to think about how to continue deflecting and pretending.
It took a while before he found a comment that mentioned him, or more specifically, him dissociating. ‘Is it just me or does Eugene seem kinda off in this??’ There were four replies, all agreeing. Fucking shit. It’s just one comment but who knows how many people see it. What if it gets more replies and works its way up to some of the first comments that show up? The video hasn’t been up that long so anything could happen. What if people start to agree? His paranoid brain was definitely taking over now.
He knew it would seem a bit silly in the morning but he really doesn’t want people to know how he’s doing. Especially not an entire audience of people. That was his business. He was barely willing to talk to the other guys about what’s going on.
Suddenly, his head felt extraordinarily heavy on his shoulders. The Xanax must be kicking in. He pushed himself out of his chair and made it to the middle of the floor before giving up and lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. It was almost if he could feel the ceiling staring back at him, but he was passed out before he could give anything a second thought.
-
Two days earlier:
The four had just finished recording and were heading back to their desks when Eugene headed in the opposite direction.
“Where you going, Gene?” Keith asked. They all looked confused, considering they literally just decided they would go start editing then go get dinner. Eugene must’ve zoned out during that because he was ready to go home and sleep or maybe drink or something of the sort.
“Oh-uh- I think I’m just gonna head home… I’m a little tired,” He was almost to the door.
“Do you want us to bring you some food later?” Zach was too nice. Even when Eugene was flaky, Zach always wanted to try to include him.
“I think I’m good…” halfway out the door, “Thanks, though,” and the door closed. Followed by a small silence and the remaining three just looking puzzled at the door and each other.
“What was that about?” Ned questioned. He was sometimes more oblivious when it came to more personal things, which Eugene appreciated.
“I have no idea,” Keith seemed a bit dumbfounded at the sudden departure of his friend. But it’s not like Eugene hadn’t done this before, it had just been a while.
“He was acting kinda weird earlier…” Zach was the most observant, unfortunately. “While filming… You guys didn’t notice?”
“I mean, not really… He was acting like he always does?” Keith sounded unsure because the more he thought about it, the more he realized.
“No, he was super out of it… I mean his eyes were bloodshot when he came in,” Zach was almost whispering like he was saying something terrible.
“You don’t think he was…” Ned was interrupted by Zach’s affirmation which was followed by an unusually quiet silence.
“Well… Maybe we should keep an eye on him…?” Keith suggested. A series of nods from the other two was confirmation enough on how they were going to deal with the situation. With that, they continued to their desks to begin editing. The more they watched the footage, the more they could see what Zach was saying.
-
By the time Eugene made it home, he had already forgotten the drive. His mind was thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. He couldn’t stand it. But the sound of keys hitting the tile floor was enough to pull him out of his thoughts and back to real life. He could now feel the floor beneath his feet and it wasn’t something he liked. His body felt overly large and heavy as he moved each foot forward towards the kitchen.
The number one thing on his mind was the new half-gallon of vodka in the cabinet. The number two was the other guys but all he wanted to focus on was number one. He pushed his friends out of his head and just thought about the drink and how good he will feel when he finally gets it in his system.
He retires to the couch, with the bottle in one hand and the TV remote in another. Flipping on the news, he sees that Trump is still an idiot and the world still sucks. He supposes he’ll drink to that. He’ll drink to the end of the world if nothing else. We are practically living it anyway.
The sounds of the news play distantly as he drinks more and more, slowly intoxicating himself, letting himself drift into the couch and the universe. One fourth of the bottle is gone when he feels his eyes flutter shut and his mind turn completely off. This is exactly where he wanted to be.