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You’ll break your hand on impact if you don’t let go!
No matter how many times André told himself, he could not let go of the steering wheel. He knew that it was the very first thing you learn in racing - if you crash, you let go of the steering wheel. Otherwise the shock of the impact might travel up the body, break a bone or do even worse damage.
To let go of the wheel, would mean that André had to admit that he was crashing but he knew that he could still save the car. His car had only been tagged by another. This sent him into a spin, but he could bring it back on the track. He had to! Then their whole efforts would not be wasted and they would prove all the doubters wrong.
Suddenly the air escaped André’s lungs as the world turned upside down. Oh god. It took him a moment to realise that the car had become air-born and had started to roll.
LET GO OF THE WHEEL! He shouted at himself. It was impossible to bring the car back on track now. He had to let go but as he watched the ground replace the sky and the sky the ground over and over again, he felt that it was impossible. After all, it was the only solid contact he had to the world, something to hold him here.
André had never felt so powerless, he could not do anything to stop the world moving around him. He could not scream in panic, he could not even move. In this very moment, he was not even sure if he was breathing. He just wanted the world to stop … that this would be over.
All the sudden, André heard a loud bang and the distinctive sound of metal scratching against metal. Only then did he feel the impact. Pain shot through his arm and shoulder. Something snapped and in this very moment André couldn’t tell if it had been bone or metal.
Then the world drifted into silence. André could no longer feel the pain that had been prominent only a second ago. He was unable to see anymore, the colours blurring together as darkness closed in.
No! No, André! You need to stay awake! He edged himself on. He could not give in, he had to hold on. He had to tell his pit-crew that he was shaken but okay. Then he had to get out …
So, he tried to unclench his fist, still gripping the steering-wheel. The slightest movement of his fingers sent unbearable pain though his body. A groan escaped him as he closed his eyes in despair.
It should feel scary to feel the darkness close in and the world slip away underneath him. A part of André knew that he must not let it happen, but it would just be for a moment. He couldn’t fight it any longer, the pain was too much, and the draw of the nothingness was stronger …
“André?”
It hurt …
“André, can you hear me?”
… he couldn’t move.
“Are you okay?”
Even breathing hurt, so he wanted to shake his head. No, I am not. But he couldn’t do it. He only felt pain pressing down onto his chest, his shoulders, arms … It was everywhere.
“André …” He sounded desperate. How long have I been out? It was then that André realised that he knew the owner of the voice: Fabrice - his race engineer. “... Please respond.”
I am trying! André wanted to shout but he barely managed to open his eyes. The pressure in his head only increasing when he tried. It was unbearable pain, he wanted to scream because of it.
“André? Come on, don’t do this to us,” Fabrice was begging him now. André wanted to kick himself. Do anything! Otherwise, everyone would worry - his family, friends … JEV. A mental picture began to form in his mind - JEV standing at the track side, watching the scene before him, his lips would be pressed into a thin line as he tried to keep his composure as André continued to be unable to reply …
Concentrate. Now! André urged himself on. He could not let JEV down. He would never dare to break a promise to him. He had to push the pain aside, he had to …
A whine escaped André as he felt a sharp thrust inside his skull, but he had managed, just so, to open his eye. One was enough for now as he tried to see past the blurry images that was his vision.
Where am I? André wondered for a moment. There was too much green, no asphalt at all.
A few voices seemed to mash together around André, but he couldn’t make any sense of them. He dimly registered the word “awake”, “calm”, and “barrier”.
Then a different voice began to talk to him. “André?” A voice so familiar to him that he couldn’t stop tears well up. Jean-Éric. “Help is on the way.”
No, no, no. André wanted to make it stop, he didn’t want to hear JEV’s voice shaking. He couldn’t bear the sound of it. He had to bring the smile back onto his face again, otherwise he would never be able to forgive himself.
“You’ll be fine again.”
Something squeezed at his guts until André felt the bile rise in his throat and he tasted the vomit on his lips.
Then he felt a hand touch his arm, the gentle touch was soothing comfort against the harshness of the constant pain.
“André?”
He tried to look to the side to make out who the voice belonged to, but he could not move his head, the futile attempt only caused him more pain. A small whine escaped him, causing the vomit to drip out of his mouth.
“Don’t move.”
It was no longer JEV who was talking to him - the owner of the voice was not familiar to André.
“I am Doctor Landry.” André watched as a hand covered his own - which was still gripping the steering-wheel. “André, can you hear me?”
“Stay awake.” This time it was JEV asking this of him. “Promise me.”
I promise. He wasn’t able to get the words out - only tasting blood and vomit in his mouth. He wanted to close his eyes, end this terrible moment and make the pain stop but he couldn’t let JEV down.
Then he watched as the Landry’s hand carefully removed André’s from the steering-wheel. No, no, no! He wanted to protest. They couldn’t do that! They couldn’t rip JEV away like that. Please don’t!
“Stay calm,” Doctor Landry ordered - his voice carrying an authority André had never heard before. “We are going to get you out.”
Next the radio was plugged out. André wanted to shout at them, protest that they should not do this. He needed JEV, he needed to hear his voice!
“Stay still!”
Suddenly he felt a sharp pain radiate from his torso over the rest of his body. André closed his eyes, trying to escape it.
What have I done? He asked himself. They could have had it all. JEV and André could have written history today. Now all their efforts had been in vain because of a single stupid mistake from him.
“André do not even dare!” The voice was too distant to place it. “You stay with me. Do you hear that!”
I fucked up.
I am sorry, Jean-Éric.
Please, forgive me ….
There was no touch. No smell. There was only a darkness André was wandering through. It was scary because it was a big nothing. At the same time, it was comforting because he feared hurt and pain and this place was void of.
Something drew André away. It was quiet but steady. The sound came again and again, in regular patterns. A sound not unlike one André would hear when he would lie safe and sound in another man’s arms - a heartbeat. This time it came in beeps, not in low thuds.
“André?”
Someone was whispering his name. The voice sounded familiar - as if he had known it for almost all his life. A man’s voice with a French accent.
Ben? André wondered for a moment. No. Ben and he weren’t teammates anymore, he wouldn’t be here. JEV! He realised. He had to follow his voice, it would lead him away from the darkness. He could trust JEV.
“I think he’s coming around,” JEV stated.
For a brief moment André wondered if that was a good sign. Then he felt a warm touch on his hand, as if someone had taken it between his. André wanted to hold onto it, he knew that this was home. It was where he belonged - it felt too familiar.
“It could still take a few hours,” someone replied to JEV.
But I am right here! André wanted to respond. He wanted to make them aware that he was aware. He needed to squeeze JEV’s hand back, show him that he was returning to him. However, his heart ached as he realised that he could not squeeze it back.
Soon the darkness would return to him, he could feel it mere inches behind him. It was closing in - trying to tear André away from reality, away from the warmth and its comfort.
Please don’t ….
“It’s okay, André,” JEV whispered - his tone calm. “I’ll be right next to you.”
Then he felt a hand cup his cheek and gently ran his thumb over André’s skin. The motion keeping the feeling of pain, which seemed to be ever-present, away. The fear of the darkness slowly diminished as André could no longer hold onto reality.
JEV would be right here, and at least the pain would be gone … he thought before he was pulled back into the nothingness.
The world only dimly registered for André when he managed to open an eye. He took in his surrounding, noticing that the blinds had been drawn and the lights were switched off. There was only a small light source in a corner, but André was unable to turn his head in that direction.
Hospital. He realised in defeat as a sigh escaped him. He closed his eyes again in the hope that this would lessen the headache that had started to build up.
Great … my mum is gonna be happy about this. André thought bitterly. In all his years of racing he had always managed to avoid getting hospitalised. Any time there had been a scrape or accident he had made sure that he would walk away from it, even if it caused him pain, so he wouldn’t scare the people who cared about him.
In frustration André let out a groan but he was barely able to recognise it as his own. The crooked noise that he had made had sounded far too alien. André tried to wet his throat, trying to ease the pain a bit but his mouth was dry, and he felt that he would be unable to swallow his spit if there had been any.
Water. I need water. André realised. Once more he tried to open his eyes, but this time he gave it more time. He let them slowly adjust to his surroundings and the light.
André still felt too exhausted to move but he managed to turn his head slightly. Something urged him to follow the warm feeling in his hand - a feeling that had pulled him back to this reality.
Then his eyes caught onto JEV - who was sitting in a chair next to his bed. JEV had tugged his legs close to his body with his chin resting on his knee. In one hand he was holding his phone, scrolling through it. The other held André’s hand. André noted that it seemed like JEV hadn’t enjoyed a proper sleep in quite a while. He looked beaten and tired, sometimes a bittersweet smile would cross his lips as he continued to mindlessly swipe on his phone.
André’s vision started to blur and it took him longer to realise that it wasn’t due to his physical condition but because of a deep emotional reaction he couldn’t place. For a moment, he felt a low pain inside his gut, mixed with guilt. At the same time, André felt unable to put into words how grateful he was to see a familiar face when he was so far from home.
He blinked the tears away and opened his mouth to call out for JEV. He barely managed to open it, feeling his lips hurt and his tongue was like sandpaper. Instead, André tried to give JEV’s hand a squeeze – to make him aware of him.
A moment later JEV looked up from his phone and eyed their joined hands. Then he noticed that André’s eyes were open. “André,” he called out softy as a wide smile spread across his lips.
André tried to return it with a small smile, but he was not sure if he could pull it off - he felt like shit.
“You’re awake.”
André nodded weakly as JEV untangled his body and stood up. He was content that JEV had kept his voice low and even though it had looked like JEV had wanted to hug him for a moment that he had thought better of it. His body still felt too fragile and numb for any kind of physical contact that went beyond holding his hand.
“Water?” André tried to get the words across his lips. He was not sure if JEV had understood him as André was barely able to make out the whisper that had left his mouth.
“What?”
In response André rolled his eyes. In order to make himself understood he lifted his free hand but stopped mid-motion as he noticed that it had been put into a cast. It was broken, André realised. Stupid. He knew he should have let go of the damn wheel but at the same time he had been unable to out of sheer fear - the shadow of it remaining even now.
André shook the thought off and mimicked drinking, hoping that would give JEV the right idea.
And it did. “Water!” JEV exclaimed - wincing right after which told André that it had been louder than he had meant to. “Sure, hang on.”
JEV turned away from him and went towards the night stand not too far away. While he was filling a cup with water, André closed his eyes in relief. This had taken more of a toll than he had wanted to admit.
André tried to comfort himself by remembering that the worst was behind him now. He had already crashed and was on the mend now … right?
Before André could dwell on that, JEV began to talk. “Don’t do that again …” JEV muttered. André opened his eyes again and looked at him, slightly puzzled. “Watching that crash … it gave me a real scare.”
JEV was biting his lip but André sympathised. He knew that JEV had lost a friend to racing and it probably had not helped to see André crash. It must have brought back old fears - which JEV had to articulate now. André assumed that this was not made easier by the fact that they hadn’t been friends for long …
“Sorry,” André muttered quietly. He wasn’t sure if JEV had understood the word, but André meant it. The least he had wanted was to bring back old demons and scare people who cared about him.
“Don’t be,” JEV replied as he walked back to André’s bedside. He gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze and smiled weakly at him. Then he held a cup in front of André. “Here, mon amour.”
André smiled weakly at the use of the pet name but he let it slide. It was JEV’s way to light up the rather bleak mood in the situation. However, André felt too exhausted to come up with an appropriate reply to the banter. Instead he took the cup and muttered a quiet thanks.
It was only then that André realised that holding the cup steady was taking more effort than he wanted to. Even worse was that he felt too weak to sit up, let alone lift his upper body. Everything felt too numb and too broken. This caused a frustrated groan to escape André.
Just in the moment when he thought the cup would slip out of his hand, JEV covered it with his own. “Let me …” JEV muttered under his breath as he carefully rested a hand at the nape of André’s neck and helped him lift his head up a bit.
This way André was able to take careful sips. At first it almost hurt him to swallow the cold water but he was glad to feel the liquid between his lips.
“Mhm …” André hummed and indicated that he had enough. JEV took the cue and gently lowered his head back onto the pillow. André closed his eyes in exhaustion but didn’t miss the feeling of JEV gently cupping his cheek and running his thumb over the skin in a soothing way.
It was only then that shame began to creep up inside of André. How broken was he that he couldn’t even drink on his own anymore? Never before had he felt so helpless and JEV was the only familiar face around. He was the only person he could ask for help while at the same time he was the last person André wanted to ask for help because he feared that he would lose all respect of him …
A gentle squeeze of his hand forced André to open his eyes again. When he looked at it, he noticed that JEV had taken his hand back between his. André had expected to see pity and disgust in his face but what he found was deep care and empathy.
Maybe he wouldn’t lose all respect just yet … André couldn’t help the thought.
“Better?” JEV asked as he sat back down next to him.
In response André nodded and closed his eyes again - feeling exhaustion take over. Before he would drift off he still had to say … “Thank you ... “ for helping me, for being here, for holding my hand …
The rest did not make it past his lips as he had already started to fall asleep. The last thing André registered was JEV telling him in a soothing tone, “get some rest.”
It took André a while to become aware of the different voices in the room. At first, he couldn’t place them, so he tried to ignore them and continue sleeping.
However, this became increasingly difficult the more they argued. André groaned quietly, hoping that this would get his sentiment across with minimal effort, but it did nothing to quieten them down.
It was only then that André recognised JEV’s voice. “But he already talked to me,” he was saying. “He’s fine.”
André felt oddly comforted by the fact that his teammate still stuck around in hospital. While he was sure that he would fly back to London as soon as his Mama arrived, it was a touching gesture and more than he would have expected from any teammate. So, he made a mental note to buy JEV a gift to show his appreciation as soon as he was back on his feet.
“Mister Lotterer …” Even though her voice was calming, JEV cut her right off.
“He’s exhausted!” André was irritated that JEV had unnecessarily raised his voice. “Just give him another day.”
And you shut up. He wanted to go back to sleep, maybe another hour or two …
“Given those injuries, it’s important to know the result as soon as possible …” André assumed that JEV was arguing with his doctor. “... we should wake him up and test him now.”
At those words, André forgot all about his nap. What did she mean with ‘those injuries’? André was fine. He had woken up a few hours ago and even though he had been exhausted … He swallowed hard. He had barely been able to move. That was exhaustion. He tried to calm himself but he couldn’t shake the thought that maybe he had damaged his spin. He had been able to move his arms but he couldn’t recall anything about his legs. He hadn’t paid attention to them.
“Just a few hours?” JEV was begging now but André had to ignore the desperation in his voice and concentrate.
At first, he wiggled his toes - if he could do that it wouldn’t be so bad. However, then André began to wonder how he could be sure that he was wiggling his toes. He had heard about cases of phantom feelings where people had lost a whole arm but swore they could still feel it. So, André tried his best to turn his foot until it would meet the other.
He couldn’t help the breath that escaped him when he felt his foot touch the other. After he had done the same with his other foot, he slowly opened his eyes. He was still weary that the headache would return as bad as it had the first time.
André spotted JEV and his doctor standing at the other end of the room. He cleared his throat to draw their attention. “What test?” he asked, glad to note that his voices sounded more like his own again.
While André was convinced that he would pass the test, thus wanting to get it done as soon as possible, JEV’s face showed worry that he had never seen there before. It did not matter to André - he did feel better, the headache was almost gone, and his body felt more like his own again. Yeah, he was battered and a bit broken but it was nothing that time wouldn’t mend.
JEV let out an audible sigh - probably because André had exactly done what JEV hadn’t wanted - and walked over to his bedside. Then he took André’s hand in his and gave it a slight squeeze.
André looked down at their joined hands and couldn’t help the slight smile that formed on his lips. He took more comfort in his presence and the physical contact than he wanted to admit. Even though, he assumed that JEV wasn’t exactly comfortable with holding another man’s hand.
Odd … André thought as he noticed a golden ring on JEV’s finger. He had always assumed that when he had spent the last three months developing a crush on JEV, watching him more often than he had meant to that he would have noticed it prior to now.
“How are you feeling?” JEV tore through his train of thought.
“Better. Thanks,” André responded honestly. “Less drowsy.”
“You should,” JEV responded with a smile. When André gave him a puzzled look, he clarified, “You slept almost 18 hours.”
“The dream nap,” André joked. The glum that had threatened to build in his stomach disappeared as soon as he saw JEV crack a smile at the joke - a sight worth a million dollars. André had always felt especially pleased when he managed to make JEV laugh.
“We reduced the medication which was making you drowsy.” With those words, the doctor drew André’s attention away from JEV.
André had noticed prior that her French was almost spotless - it stood in stark contrast with the doctors he had met a few days prior at the PR event - even her surname sounded French: Belmont. Probably an emigrant, he argued. He was the last person to judge a mixed-race heritage and the lingua franca would make this procedure easier.
“Do you know how long you were unconscious?” she asked.
“As of now? Or until the first time I woke up?”
“Until now.”
André shook his head. It had not been enough time for his Mama to fly to Santiago, so it couldn’t have been more than three days. “A day or two?” he guessed.
Right after he had given his answer, André noticed a visible change in JEV’s demeanour.
“Five days,” JEV responded to André’s unvoiced question.
Only then did André become aware that maybe the crash had been bigger than he had thought until now. “Oh,” he mumbled and bit his lip as he took the information in.
“Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?” Doctor Belmont asked.
Five days … André hadn’t realised that it had been this long. How bad was it when you had been out cold for almost a week? At that thought, André felt his stomach twist. “Are those … normal when you’ve been out for so long?”
“Yeah.” André hoped to draw comfort from that answer but he didn’t need to be an expert to notice that she was a horrible liar.
In that moment, JEV cupped André’s hand between his and ran his thumb over his skin. It was as if he had sensed the unease that threatened to rise inside of him. When André looked at him, he only saw kindness. Somehow, having him near him reassured André that things would be okay again.
“Can JEV stay?” André blurted out before he thought better of it. He would work out a decent explanation for the request once he could think properly again. At the moment he was in a hospital bed, so he was entitled to a bit of weird behaviour.
“You don’t get to say a word,” doctor Belmont ordered JEV. Then she beckoned to a corner of the room.
JEV nodded in agreement and gave André’s hand an encouraging squeeze before he left his side. In the meantime, André inched up into a sitting position. Despite his strained ribs and bruised chest, he felt that this was more comfortable for the moment.
“Okay, then we will start …” She began by flipping open a clip-board and André reached over to the cup that JEV had placed on the nightstand. “ …. let’s start with your name.”
André took a sip of water and nodded. “André Lotterer.” He couldn’t help but feel a little bit smug, if the questions went along these lines he would be out of here before the end of the day.
“I meant your full name,” she clarified.
André frowned for a moment - he was not so stupid as to forget his own name. He cleared his throat and put the cup aside again. Why of course … he thought and rolled his eyes at himself. Most people in Spanish speaking countries had middle names or two surnames. She probably assumed that the same applied to André as well when it did not.
“It’s just that, André Lotterer,” he explained and tried to smile. “I don’t have a middle name.”
“Mhm.” She didn’t let on more as she noted the answer on a clipboard.
Without meaning to, André felt like he had said something wrong. It was his own damn name! He could not get that wrong … and yet, he was unable to shake the feeling. So, he sought to get a little reassurance from JEV, make a non-verbal joke about the stupidity of the question. However, when he looked at JEV he looked as confused as André felt …
“What’s your birthday?”
“Hm?” André muttered quietly. “Sorry … what did you say?” He kicked himself mentally for not paying attention.
“Your date of birth?”
“Oh, 19th of November 1981”
She seemed more satisfied at that answer and wrote it down once more.
“Do you know why you are here?”
As soon as she had asked, flashes of the day of the crash came back to André. The distinctive urge to not let go of the wheel while he had tried to force himself to let go to avoid injuries. Then crashing into the back of an identical Formula E car. A shiver ran down André’s spin. It had been JEV’s car …
“I crashed,” he muttered in response. Guilt started to build inside of him as the memory came back to him. So, he had not only crashed badly enough to take himself out of the next few rounds, no, he had probably taken JEV out of the race as well. It wasn’t like Techeetah had been pleased with his performance so far, but this was not helping.
“Did you have breakfast that day?”
André looked at JEV for help but he didn’t let anything on. Usually he and JEV would spend most of the race day together, this included breakfast. However, he couldn’t recall a lot of what had happened. He couldn’t even tell in which position he had qualified in. Well, high enough to end up crashing into your teammate, André scolded himself.
“André?” He looked up when he heard JEV call his name, tearing him away from the negative spiral he had gotten into. “Breakfast?”
“Oh, yeah …” André shook his head. “I don’t really remember … much of that day.”
He had little choice but to be honest. It had been a big crash, so he assumed that it would be normal that he would forget a thing or two about it - it might be physical, but André guessed that it was more his brain trying to protect André from the mental trauma. After all, he could still remember the days prior without a problem.
“Do you know where you are?” the doctor asked him.
“Hospital,” André replied without thinking.
“She meant the city, you muppet,” JEV explained but he failed to repress the giggle.
André returned the smile, for the moment the worrying thoughts were forgotten as he watched JEV unsuccessfully try to hide his smirk.
Then André cleared his throat and responded to the best of his knowledge. “Santiago?”
Within a second the smile had been wiped clean off JEV’s face.
“Are you sure?”
After all it was the last thing he had been able to re-call. Only a few days ago JEV and André had been sitting in the café doing a live stream. Afterwards they had wandered through the city, JEV keeping him company while he had looked for photo motives.
So, he replied “yes” but even André could hear the doubt in his voice. While it was a clear memory it … felt out of place, like it had not happened a few days ago. Then there was the look of horror, shock and pain that displayed on JEV’s face. “No …” he added quietly.
“How old are you?”, doctor Belmont asked him.
The fact that her voice sounded so even now, irritated André more than he wanted to admit.
“What?”
Logic told André that, of course he was right. He was in Santiago - after all it was the last thing he remembered. At the same time, his gut told him that he had made a huge error.
“Your age,” she repeated.
André looked at JEV for help, but it nearly broke his heart when he saw him fiddling with the ring on his finger.
“You already know my year of birth, do the math,” André snapped. He didn’t want to answer any of these questions any more.
Santiago was the last thing he could recall. He was right! There was the night he had lain next to JEV, feeling his arms around his body, for the first time in a long time feeling at home again. André had desperately fought against sleep as he wouldn’t want to miss this feeling.
No, that can’t be right. André had fantasied about this and more before but that did not make it true. Fantasy wasn’t reality.
“Please answer the question,” doctor Belmont insisted.
This was wrong, something is wrong … André felt a deep pain inside of him. It was as if someone had ripped a limb off but when he looked down, his arms and legs were still attached. Why did it hurt so badly?
Only then did André notice a pale stripe of skin on his right ring finger. Without meaning to, André felt tears well up in his eyes. He had lost something, something important to him, something that was a part of him but he could not tell what it was.
“Can someone, please, tell me what the fuck is going on?” André’s voice sounded weak. He could feel a tear run down his cheek but he didn’t make effort to wipe it away.
JEV bit his lip and got up from the chair he had been sitting in. Suddenly, André was overcome by the fear that he would leave. I can’t do this without you! André felt panic rise up in him. Then he watched JEV pull a chain out of the pocket of his jeans.
He looked at André for a moment, it was as if he was debating with himself but after nodding he walked towards him and sat down at the edge of the bed. With a gentle touch JEV took André’s right hand in his and turned it so that the palm faced upwards. Then he placed the chain into his hand.
“Here.”
He felt JEV gently wipe away the trail that the tears had left on his cheek while André inspected the chain. A ring was attached to it and for a moment André felt a flicker of recognition - but he could not place it.
“You wear it on a chain during race days, so it won’t get damaged should you get hurt,” JEV explained.
André noticed a scar on the jewellery, as if it had been welded back together at a later stage. It had been broken apart after they had cut it off André’s finger when he had broken his middle and ring finger during an ePrix. André also knew that he had been fucking pissed about the damage because it was important to him.
André shook his head and felt almost unbearable pain when something squeezed his heart. The memory didn’t fit anywhere, he knew that it meant the world to him but he couldn’t place it.
“André?” JEV cupped his cheek and made him look at him. Then he placed a hand on his shoulder, his thumb drawing circles. “You did not crash in Santiago.”
Doctor Belmont wanted to interject but JEV quickly shut her up. Then he looked at André and after taking a deep breath he stated, “you crashed in Le Mans.”
André nodded, trying to take that information in. Santiago and Le Mans were only a few months apart. It was bad but it could be much worse.
“You were lapping traffic and a Ford didn’t see you. It cut across the racing line and hit you, sent you in a spin.” André could barely remember any of this but from the look in JEV’s eyes he could tell that he hadn’t forgotten a single second. “Our car dug into the gravel and it flipped. You even managed over the barrier.”
André stared at JEV in confusion. Our car? They weren’t teammates in the WEC. JEV wasn’t even in the WEC, he had joined the European Le Mans series this season and was a Le Mans invitee. They did not share a car, he was certain of it!
“André …” JEV began, his voice had taken on a different character. It was soft and gentle - as if JEV was unsure if he should say the next thing. “... we married in July last year.”
No, no! André thought as he panicked. The most contact they had had during the summer last year had been a half-hearted nod in passing if they had stumbled across each other in the WEC paddock.
“Your full name is André Lotterer-Vergne.”
André looked at the ring he held in his hand. “André, you don’t have to go through such lengths to get it fixed. It’s just a ring.” - “It’s not, I want to wear it and always be sure to have a part of you close to me.” The words still rung in André’s head when he felt his eyes well up. He couldn’t forget something so important to him. He shook his head in disbelief, he would never even dare to forget anything like this.
“But André?” At those words, JEV covered André’s hand with his again. “There was only one Santiago ePrix so far …” André shook his head. He did not want to hear it. It was impossible! He would never let anything like that happen. He had promised! “... it was three years ago.”
JEV had always enjoyed the feeling of André’s hand in his - it was a simple gesture but over the years it had given JEV strength, comfort, and a connection when he needed one. He had taken it in the middle of a crisis and in contrast when they were walking the dogs. To JEV it was knowledge that no matter what, André was never too far away and by his side.
It represented an unspoken promise they had made official when they had taken the vow. JEV still couldn’t help but look at the wedding ring on his finger as they walked down the beach. André had never explained what had made him change his mind about marriage but looking at him now he knew that he did not regret it.
“I never want to forget a moment with you,” André explained all the sudden.
This caused JEV to stop - a small frown on his face. Then he smiled at him. “Really?” he teased. “Not even the time we suffered from food poisoning?”
“You mean our Bond Over …” André’s brows knitted for a moment as he recalled the name. “... Piss, Shit, And Vomit?”
JEV couldn’t help but laugh at the name they had given it.
“Nah.” Then André took a deep breath. If JEV hadn’t known better he would have assumed that André had thought about the following words more than a few times, had them prepared in his head in advance. “The happiest moments in my life were with you. You’re always there and by my side. It’s almost uncanny how easy loving you is, and yet it runs so deep … It’s perfect.”
Without meaning to, JEV felt his eyes well up. He blinked rapidly, hoping that André hadn’t noticed that he had caught him off guard.
“Forgetting about you … about us,” André went on. “It would feel like losing an important part of myself.”
JEV stepped forward and captured André’s lips with his. He let the kiss linger, feeling André’s arms wrap around him. “Then don’t forget,” JEV whispered as they parted ever so slightly.
“I promise.”