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Dungeons and Dumbassses comes into existence after the first Do One Thing Each Week That Scares You liveshow, and Clarke didn't see it coming on every conceivable level.
For one thing, she definitely never thought they'd be doing a live show to begin with. The concern wasn't lack of interest on their part or even on their audience's, but mostly just logistics. And even then, it was mostly just Raven, who is literally on the other side of the world, but they all still have actual jobs getting in the way. Monty, at least, is pretty flexible; he works for a gaming website, and while he has an office and does things at said office, he can work remotely without much difficulty. Clarke has a good deal of PTO, but long weekends visiting Bellamy in New York are already eating into it, and that's only going to happen more and more.
And, honestly, none of them really want to take three weeks of vacation time for a tour just to find out no one's actually willing to pay for it.
"So we gotta do a test show," says Raven, during their weekly Skype meeting in mid-September. "When I'm back in the states for Christmas. You know any theaters that would take us?"
"Depends on where we're going to be. You're flying into Boston first, and then Chicago, right?"
"Yeah. Boston makes more sense, Monty can come to you and we can fly back to Chicago together. We can finally meet your boyfriend in person."
Clarke has to smile. "If we're still together at Christmas--"
"Which you will be."
"Which we probably will be," she admits. They've only been dating since July, but it has the feeling of being a long relationship, of possibly being it. "It still will have only been five months, it's not like you've been waiting forever."
"Five months of you dating, I was wondering about him before. And I don't trust Monty to figure out how to book us a show in Chicago, so, yeah. Boston for sure."
"Yeah, I'll see what I can do. You really think people will come? Or are they just saying they want live shows and most of them won't shell out?"
"Only one way to find out."
Clarke spends a few days getting ready, assembling a list of theaters and dates, doing the math on how many tickets they'd need to sell, double-checking her pitch with Bellamy to make sure it's good. So, of course, the first place she calls agrees immediately, without asking any of the questions she was expecting, and the person doing the booking seems genuinely thrilled about the whole thing, to a degree that's mildly alarming.
"Sorry," she says, with a self-conscious little laugh like she really thinks Clarke will be upset that she wants to let them do a show. "This is just, like, the most amazing timing, I just started listening to your show because I'm in this Bellamy Blake fan spiral after my friend got me into his musical. Not to be weird."
"No, I can relate, I had one of those too. Thanks so much for fitting us in."
"Of course. We'll be in touch with more details."
The whole thing is so easy, in fact, that Clarke emails Raven and Monty to see if they want to try to do a Chicago show too, to take full advantage of Raven's vacation. That one is a little harder, but mostly because the first place she calls doesn't have a free slot, not because they don't want them. She has to call two places, instead of just the one.
We might be a big deal, she texts Bellamy, and he just replies with a gif of a cat running into a glass door, which she's pretty sure means, well, duh.
*
"And we have a live show set up for December 20, in Boston," Clarke is telling her mother, not really expecting Abby to care much. Her mother is kind of fondly bemused by the podcasting thing; she's supportive, but also has no idea what's happening. "Raven's going to be jetlagged, but it should be fine."
"What time?"
Clarke frowns. "Seven-thirty, I think?"
"Perfect. We'll drive up that afternoon, check into the hotel, and then come to the show. Are tickets already on sale?"
"You don't have to come."
"Of course we're coming! We were planning to be there for Christmas anyway. It's a little earlier than I was planning to come for the holiday, but Marcus will be done with classes and I can take a few extra days off. Will Bellamy be there? We're so excited to meet him."
"Yeah, he's planning to be here for most of December. He's hoping the change of venue will be inspiring as he finishes up the final draft of his new show."
"You won't mind having us around for a week, will you?"
It's a tough question. She loves her mother and her stepfather, but a full week of them is a lot. And it feels like a lot of pressure to put on her first holiday with Bellamy, especially when it already has their first live show and his first time meeting Raven and Monty in-person.
When it rains, it pours, apparently.
"You are staying in a hotel, right?" she asks, only half-teasing, and Abby laughs.
"The whole time. We can keep ourselves busy, we'll just want to have dinner and spend Christmas with you. And see your show, of course."
On some level, Clarke can't actually imagine Abby and Marcus interacting with the podcast. As far as she knows, her mother listened to the first episode, didn't get it, and continues to download every episode to show her support but never actually listens to any of them.
Which is fine by her; Clarke says things on the podcast that aren't really intended for her mother. And the support is sweet.
"I'll get them to reserve some tickets for you guys," she says. "But you really don't have to come if it's a pain. It's not a big deal."
"Oh, no, Marcus loves the show," says Abby, to Clarke's total surprise. "He'll be so excited."
It feels disrespectful to ask for more information, so she lets it go. Abby always says sort of vague, nice things when Clarke brings the show up, and it might have been unfair of Clarke to assume that meant neither she nor Marcus was particularly interested, but she also doesn't know why Marcus has never mentioned it. So either he doesn't want them to know he listens or thinks they already do, and no matter what, it's a little awkward and she doesn't want to deal with it right now, not with her mother.
Instead, as soon as they've hung up, she texts Bellamy.
Me: Apparently my stepdad loves the podcast????
Bellamy: I don't get why you ever think I'm going to be surprised when people love your podcast
I love your podcast
That's how we met
I think everyone should like your podcast
Me: We talk about sex sometimes
Bellamy: Do you think your stepdad doesn't know what sex is?
I guess he might not but I assume most adults had some kind of sex ed
But if you're educating him I'm sure your mom is grateful
Me: Ha ha
Bellamy: I couldn't resist
You aren't explicit about your actual sex life
Which I appreciate, as the other half of that
But everything on the podcast is stuff you're putting out for everyone on the internet
Does it really bug you that your stepdad is one of the people hearing it?
Me: No, not really
I guess I just didn't think it would appeal to him
They're coming for the live show
That's how it came up
They're also excited to meet you
Bellamy: I'm excited to meet them too
Me and your stepdad can bond about how much we love your show
And you I guess
Me: I know you're only dating me for my podcast
Bellamy: Like you're just dating me for my Tony
You don't actually need real emotional support for this, right?
Not a real crisis
Me: Weird, but not a crisis
You did good
Bellamy: Happy to help
Back to work
Love you
Me: Love you too
Get pumped for weirdness
Bellamy: Can't wait
*
Given how much else is going on, Clarke doesn't have much time to think about the fact that Marcus likes the podcast. Not that it's something she needs to think about, it doesn't actually impact her life much. But it feels like the kind of thing she should be doing something with, if she had any time and any idea what to do.
But since she has neither, she pretty much forgets about Marcus until he's actually there, hugging her after the show and telling her what a great job she did.
"Are you wearing our merch?" Monty asks, and then adds, "Professor Kane," quickly, because he actually took a class with Marcus, and it's still weird to him that he's Clarke's stepdad.
Then again, Clarke's whole life is really pretty weird, really. Why should Monty's be any different?
"I am," says Marcus, smiling. It is, in fact, a Monty shirt, or at least a Monty quote: Cats, because having a dog feels too much like interacting with a human friend. "You can call me Marcus, Monty."
"You say that, but I don't think I actually can? I'm not physically capable of it."
Marcus smiles. "Fair enough. You were great." He turns his attention to Bellamy, waiting in the wings. "And you must be Clarke's boyfriend."
"Nice to meet you, Professor," he says, offering his hand.
"You definitely don't have to call him that," says Raven.
"I'm being polite and making a good impression." He offers his hand to Abby. "Dr. Griffin."
"Very polite," Abby says. "It's good to finally meet you."
"It's only been five months!" Clarke protests. "Everyone acts like I've been hoarding him. We're long distance, I don't even see him that much."
"It's good to meet you too," Bellamy says, ignoring her. "I always do Thanksgiving with my sister, thanks for letting me take Clarke. Did you enjoy the show?"
"I don't listen as regularly as Marcus," she admits. "I have trouble finding the time. But he'll recommend me episodes he thinks I'll particularly like, so I understood most of the in-jokes. And even if I'd never heard an episode, it's nice to see you being so popular. You sold out the theater!"
"We did," says Monty. "Bellamy's used to that, but it's new for us."
"You're sold out in Chicago too, so you're going to get used to it."
"No, we probably won't," Clarke points out. "We don't get used to this, that's our whole thing. We're perpetually confused that people still like us."
The conversation moves on from there, but it's still very true, which is probably why their first question, when Abby and Marcus treat the three of them and Bellamy to breakfast the next morning, is, "Seriously, how did you get into the podcast, Professor Kane?"
Raven actually says it, but Clarke knows they're all thinking it.
Marcus takes a sip of coffee, his smile kind of fondly amused. "As you all know, since you won't stop calling me Professor Kane, I teach at the college the three of you attended, which you talk about somewhat regularly on your show. I'll admit I listened to the first episode when you started and decided I was too old for it, but as you started getting popular and I realized my students were all listening, I thought I should give it another shot. The recent episodes were much easier for me to get into, and now I've worked my way through the whole backlog."
"Wait," says Monty, holding up his hand. "We're popular with the professors on campus too?"
"I know this is scary, but you guys are actually getting closer in age and life experience to professors than you are to college students," Bellamy remarks. "I had a minor crisis when I figured that out."
"And professors like hearing about our school too," Marcus points out. "Just because we're old doesn't mean we stop liking shout-outs. Plus, understanding the references gives me a lot of points with new students. Especially when I mention I'm Clarke's stepfather."
"I can't believe we're cool enough that we actually make professors seem cooler by association," Monty muses. "No offense, Professor Kane. You're very cool."
"Thank you, Monty," says Kane, dry. "I was worried about that."
"I want to hear more about what they're saying about us on campus," says Raven. "Give us the dirt. We must have some haters, right?"
Marcus has access to unfiltered opinions of the show that they often have trouble finding, and his dirt carries them through the rest of the meal. It's mostly nothing bad, people who don't get the why they're so popular (fair enough) or think they shouldn't be able to make money off of bumbling through life (also fair enough), and it's kind of cool just knowing they're a big enough deal to be a topic of conversation. Given that none of them actually expected to have a fanbase, finding out people think they're overrated is actually less weird than finding out people like them.
It's complicated.
Abby grabs Clarke as they're on their way out, getting her a little away from the others to say, in a low voice, "I was wondering if there was any way you could have Marcus on the show."
Clarke blinks. "Probably. You think he wants to?"
"I'm sure he'd like to be asked. I don't know if you all could make the scheduling work, but--"
"Monty had an idea for some thing to do while we're all together," Clarke muses. "Maybe Marcus could join in on that."
"Obviously if it's--I wouldn't want to put you out."
"I like Marcus," Clarke says, gentle. "And Monty tripping over himself to not be weird about it would be funny."
"Thank you," says Abby, and Clarke just squeezes her around the shoulders.
"No problem. It'll be great."
*
Monty is less convinced. "You want to play D&D with Professor Kane?"
"I didn't know you wanted to play D&D," Clarke shoots back. "Why do you want to play D&D?"
"Because I got the new Player's Handbook and I want to try it out, and I don't have a large enough friend group in real life to do it. And I think it would be popular and people might actually want to listen to it."
"You want us to do another podcast?" Clarke asks. "We barely have time for this one."
Raven and Monty exchange a look. "I might have a job interview in Chicago," she says. "With Monty's company. If I get that, I'll have a lot more time for podcast stuff. And I think it's worth doing more podcast stuff."
"We'd need a regular fourth for the D&D thing anyway," Monty adds. "I was thinking Bellamy, but--"
"Flattered," Bellamy says, not looking up from his laptop. "But definitely too busy for a regular podcast gig. I usually have to listen to your new episodes over the course of a couple days."
"He's too cool for us," Clarke says, and that gets her a smile.
"I'm slumming it, yeah."
"Professor Kane might actually be able to do that regularly," Raven muses. "And he's on the east coast, so if I go to Chicago we'll still just be in two timezones."
"Are we really talking about regularly playing Dungeons and Dragons with Professor Kane?" Monty asks. "Like, as an actual thing?"
"I bet he'd like it," Bellamy puts in. "I don't know him that well yet, but he seems like kind of a nerd."
"Not as good for our profile as you would be."
"Honestly, I think you guys overestimate how much I'm boosting your popularity. I think everyone who's interested in both me and your podcast already listens."
"That's just because we haven't started tapping the Dungeons and Dragons market yet," says Monty, and Bellamy snorts.
"I promise I'll promote any podcast you ever do. And I'll be a guest on this one sometime. But I can't help you become crossover hits. Except crossing over into Broadway," he adds.
Clarke crosses the room to sit next to him, nudging her shoulder against his. "You could play in the first game."
"I could?"
"You're here anyway. You can take a few hours off to hang out and have a good time."
"A few hours off? That doesn't sound like me."
"It's not really off. It's a block of time to socialize and spend time with me and my stepdad. That's important."
He laughs. "You aren't afraid that if I show up in the first episode and then never again, people will feel like they got ripped off?"
"If they're just showing up for you, they're still listening to the first episode," she says. "Even if all but one ragequits when you leave, we'll still get one more listener."
"We could get a couple sessions in while we're all around," Monty says, eager now that it sounds like this might actually happen. "Cover the pre-written campaign I've got. And then if it's popular, we do another one, without Bellamy. But ideally still with Professor Kane. Otherwise, we have to find another third party member. Four would be better, but coordinating five people, even if we're just trying to do an hour or two at at time--"
"Yeah, that's too much," says Raven. "I'm in. The worst that can happen is that we crash and burn, right?"
"Don't say that," Bellamy grumbles. "You're just asking for something worse to happen."
"Theater kids are so superstitious. Professor Kane isn't coming to Chicago, right?"
"He might, if we asked. He's on vacation. But we're not leaving for another few days, so--"
"So we should get as much D&D in as possible right now," says Monty, and Clarke snorts. Part of her can't believe it's actually a good idea, but it's not like it's a bad idea either. Like Raven said, the worst thing that could realistically happen is that no one cares about it. They'll still have fun playing a game for a few hours.
"I'll call Marcus and see if he's in."
*
"Okay, welcome to a very special episode of Do One Thing Each Week That Scares You," says Monty. "So special that it's actually an episode of something else."
"Or at least some weird bonus content. We don't have a name for this yet, right?"
"We can add it in post. So, here's the deal: I haven't played Dungeons and Dragons since college, and I want to get back to it. But as our regular listeners will know, I don't have a ton of friends. But I do have a podcast."
"And he's really good at emotional blackmail," says Bellamy.
"Thanks, special guest star and Tony-Award-winning playwright Bellamy Blake. I appreciate the compliment. Why don't you start our introductions?"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes. Tell us about your character and your history with D&D."
"I've never played D&D before," he says. "Wrong kind of nerd."
"See, that's a common misconception. D&D nerds and theater nerds should be allies! Roleplaying and acting are basically the same. This is improv, with dice."
"I started listening to your podcast because you suck at improv and I do too, that's not really a draw."
"Tell us about your character."
Bellamy huffs, shooting Clarke a quick smile. For all his griping, he's clearly having a blast, and they haven't even started yet. "Clarke said I should be a bard, but I figure roleplaying should be about being someone other than yourself. So I'm Ran Swonsan. She's a half-orc ranger who just wants to be left alone."
"Are you roleplaying genderswapped Ron Swanson?" asks Raven.
"No, Ran Swonsan. It's right on my character sheet. I'm probably not going to be able to come back if this becomes a regular thing, so I figure there should be a good reason she's gone. The reason is that she hates all of you and just wants to get back to her cabin."
"Parody is covered under fair use, right?" Clarke asks.
"Yeah, probably." He nudges her. "Your turn."
"I've never played D&D either," she says. "Monty tried to make me in college, but I always said I had to go to the library."
"You missed out."
"I'm not convinced. My character is Mari Silversong, she's an elf from a long line of bards who decided to rebel against everything her family values and become a barbarian."
"Okay, that's pretty good," says Bellamy, like he didn't do at least half of the work coming up with the character concept. He would be playing her himself, except that he's not sticking around.
"Some of us didn't want to steal our personalities from TV. Raven?"
"You guys cared way too much about this. Character name: Bob. Class? Thief. He likes to steal stuff and stab people. That's it. That's his whole deal."
"Raven played D&D all through college," Monty says.
"Which means I know that everyone's first character has backstory and a bunch of shit going on that no one ever remembers or uses in thegame, so I know better than to put any effort in. We have one other new guest here to play. I don't know when we're posting this, but we're recording two days after our first live show, and Clarke's mom and stepdad came to that, and we found out Clarke's stepdad loves the show."
"He's a professor at Arcadia, so apparently he started listening to the show so the students would think he's cool," says Clarke. "Which is probably also why he's here now."
Marcus smiles. "I actually used to play Dungeons and Dragons. Second edition, in grad school."
"Wow, so you're an old-school nerd."
"This is going to be an interesting dynamic," says Monty, "because Raven and I had classes with Professor Kane and still see him as an authority figure and Bellamy is dating his stepdaughter, so Clarke's going to be the only one who really feels comfortable making fun of him."
"As I keep telling you, you can call me Marcus," he says.
"You do keep telling me that." He pauses for effect. "Please tell us about your character, Professor Kane."
"We didn't have a cleric, so I thought I should make one. I remember no one ever wanted to play the healer. So I'll be playing Alain Gardel, a human cleric."
"Do you know better than to have a backstory?" Bellamy asks. "Like Raven?"
"I don't think any of you would know my backstory yet, so I'm not sharing it."
"That's already more roleplaying than I was expecting," says Raven. "Good job, Professor Kane."
"Thank you."
"That actually raises a good point. How do you all know each other? Bellamy's character isn't even an adventurer, what's she doing here?"
"I was thinking Ran had a problem and she was looking for help, but she can't afford to pay for it, so she's trying to make some money and maybe get some contacts who will help her deal with the goblins who are attacking her farm."
"Bob just wants to steal," says Raven.
"Bob is also based on an existing fictional character, that horse who wants to steal from Over the Garden Wall," says Monty.
"It's a roleplaying choice."
"Mari had to leave home after she went into a rage and ruined a family wedding," Clarke says. "So she's trying to make her way as an adventurer."
"Alain is also trying to make his way as an adventurer. I assume if someone was looking, he would volunteer."
Monty nods and takes some notes. "So, none of you know each other."
"Did you want us to?" Raven asks.
"I thought you might not want to do in-character introductions," says Monty. "But that'll be better listening, so I won't stop you." He grins, leaning forward, and Clarke still isn't totally sold on this as a podcast thing, but it's hard to be upset about anything that makes Monty this happy. "Okay, so--the four of you, looking for the chance to earn some gold, have gone to a tavern."
*
They play for four hours, which Monty thinks he can edit down into three hour-long episodes, and while Clarke doesn't think she can play that much D&D on a regular basis, playing for a couple hours a week would probably be fun. Even if they don't get a good reception, they can just do it for fun. It's not like they have to be popular.
But Monty gets the first episode edited and throws it up as a holiday bonus episode and within a day, fans are demanding more.
"Seriously, demanding," says Raven, with a low whistle. "They're going to start killing hostages if we don't come up with a schedule."
"How much do they care about Bellamy?" Clarke asks, leaning over her shoulder. "They get he's not going to be a regular part of this, right?"
"They're assuming you're going to be able to talk him into regular guest spots."
"She probably can," Bellamy admits, with a sigh. "But just like an hour every other month or something. It's fun, but I seriously don't have time."
Raven shrugs. "They like Professor Kane too. Way more than I was expecting. Don't go on the main account or you'll find a lot of teens saying weird stuff that you'll never be able to unread."
Clarke makes a face. "People really need to remember we can see what they say to us."
"And that they're saying stuff about your stepdad. I think we should post once a week for the first campaign," she says, tapping her fingers on her laptop. "Assuming it goes six episodes, that's six weeks of content, and we'll have it all front-loaded. That gives me time to move, Monty time to figure out a second campaign, and then we can do every other week for the regular schedule."
"You haven't even got the job yet," Clarke says, smiling. "You aren't worried you're jinxing it?"
To her surprise, Raven sobers, glancing at Bellamy, who is very pointedly not listening to them. He's putting a good deal of effort into not listening to them, and Clarke adores him for it.
"I'm moving back no matter what. If I don't get this job, I'll get another one. But--" She ducks her head, smiling. "It's nuts, but I think this podcast stuff could really be a thing for us. And I want to be here so I can make that happen."
"But in Chicago?" Clarke asks. "Not here?"
She bumps Clarke's shoulder. "Don't get jealous. My boyfriend's moving back too, he's in Chicago."
There it is. "That's Zeke, right? You didn't tell me he was from the US."
She also didn't say that it was serious enough for her to be planning to move back, but Clarke knows better than to mention that. Raven is always a little cautious with these things, a little slow to open up. Of the three of them, she's the only one who never uses romance as her scary thing on the podcast, keeps it quiet, and the last thing Clarke wants to do is spook her out of talking about it.
"Yeah. He was in grad school, then he had an internship, and he's coming back." She sighs. "It's not just him. I wouldn't leave the country just for that. But--"
"But he's a factor."
"He's my roommate and I don't want to have to find someone else to live with. And I meant it about the podcast thing. Especially if this D&D thing goes as well as we think it's going to. We could actually start making real money, I could go full-time doing tour stuff and merch stuff and--" She shakes her head. "This could be our lives."
Bellamy's still in the corner on his laptop, still pretending he's not listening, and he'll be gone again in a week, flying back to New York from Chicago instead of coming to Boston. For her, this has been a good month, but it's atypical; it's not her life.
Not yet, anyway. But she and Bellamy have only been dating for five months, haven't known each other for even a full year. They have plenty of time to figure this out.
"That would be a pretty good life, huh?"
"I think so, yeah." She rests her head on Clarke's shoulder. "What do you think, Tony Award winner? Think we can do that?"
"I think you can do anything if you believe in yourself."
Raven snorts. "Save it for your overly positive twitter feed."
"You asked. Am I actually back in the conversation?"
"Did you want to be?"
He doesn't smile. "I think you guys probably can do this, but be careful. Surviving off your art might not last that long. I'm surviving off mine, but I know how fast that could turn around. I'm all for you coming back to the states, but--don't get cocky."
"Is it too late to go back to the optimism?" Raven asks, but she doesn't really sound upset.
Bellamy leaves his laptop, comes to sit on Raven's other side, putting his arm around her. It's weird, because they sort of barely know each other, but they're still friends. And Bellamy's good at comfort.
"Honestly? I think you're smart and I know you've got this. Just--I've seen too many people think good luck is a big break. This could be your life, but you're not there yet. Give it a year or two."
"Okay, fine. I'll check back in, in a year or two."
"Can't wait," he says. "I think you guys are going to get there."
"Yeah," says Clarke, leaning on Raven. "I think so too."
*
"Okay, welcome to episode two of the show we have decided to call Dungeons and Dumbasses," says Monty. It's Christmas, but they all realized that once presents were done, they didn't actually have anything else to do. Abby curled up with a book, Monty came down from New Hampshire, and they're hoping to finish up the campaign before they go to Chicago, to save Marcus the trip.
They're also going to have to figure out a recording setup for him, but that can come. They have time.
"Are you really okay with that name?" Raven asks Marcus. "Like, you're good with being a dumbass?"
"Maybe I'm a dungeon," says Marcus. "I don't think we ever specify."
"I'm definitely a dumbass," says Monty.
"I want to be a dungeon," says Clarke.
"Okay, I'll be a dumbass, and then we have two dungeons, two dumbasses. Perfect." Raven pauses for a couple beats. "Okay, let's do the next five episode intros, and then into the adventure?"
"I didn't get to identify as a dungeon or a dumbass," Bellamy points out.
"You're a guest star, that's a different category."
"You could be a regular," Clarke reminds him, and he groans and drops his head on her shoulder.
"Please stop reminding me I can't do this all the time. It's fun."
"We'll make sure you get to guest star more."
"Thanks." He straightens up. "Okay, so--time to go, right? Kobolds to kill, treasure to find."
Monty nods. "Yup. Okay, dungeons, dumbasses, and guest stars," He looks around the table, as if he's waiting for someone to tell him they can't do this, but everyone else is as eager as he is. Their lives are awesome.
He must realize that too, because he leans forward, grin taking over his face. This is their life now, and they're so ready for it. "It's adventure time. Let's do this."