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Sometimes Taehyung wonders how he always ends up here. Sitting on the roof of that one abandoned hotel on fifth street.
Sitting with his feet hanging over the edge with only one thought in his head: Will he jump?
Probably not, once a coward, always a coward.
And Taehyung may not know shit about who he is, but he knows that he’s a coward.
Why else would he climb up here every night and not jump?
He looks down at the ground from his perch on the edge of the roof, the view no longer giving him a sense of nausea. Now he just takes comfort in the fact that if he really really needs to, he could end it all here.
This roof was his beginning and he knows that one day, when he finally gets up the courage, it will be his end.
Taehyung feels his lips curl into a smile at the thought.
Eventually he stands up and makes his way down the fire ladder once again, just like last night, and the one before. Just like every night for 4 months now. Lowering himself down to the ground is nothing but muscle memory. Sometimes he hopes that the ladder would just break beneath him and do what he can’t.
Deep down he doesn’t really want it to.
☾
Taehyung wakes up the next day without remembering the walk home from the hotel to his apartment. This has long since stopped worrying him, as it happens more often than not. He goes through his morning routine with a numbness that is normal by now.
It scared him at first, the numbness. At first he had been in so much pain, everyday feeling like it was physically tearing a piece out of him, and then it had just stopped. A heavy feeling had settled in his chest and everything seemed dulled somehow. The feeling of a hot shower or the color of the flowers Jimin gave him barely even registering anymore.
It had all been very sudden and it had scared him.
After all the movies had always portrayed depression as if it was a living thing. As if it was simply being sad constantly. No one ever told him it would be like this. Depression wasn’t living, it was dying. And it kills you along with it.
But now Taehyung has long since forgotten about how it used to feel. Now, more often than not, he takes some sort of sick comfort in the numbness that encompases his very being.
Taehyung doesn’t bother grabbing breakfast on his way to his first class of the day. He stopped the first day he started to feel numb.
He spends the next hour mindlessly taking notes as his professor drones on about the different effects of morphine on the human body.
Medicine. If there is one thing he wishes he could gain back from before this all happened, it would be medicine. He used to be so passionate about it, now it’s just another thing to add onto the list of things depression has taken away from him.
He goes to lunch after his first class, taking his seat at their table. Slowly the others start to sit down also. First is Namjoon, who greets him warmly like he always does. Taehyung schools his features into something he hopes resembles happiness and greets him back. Next is Seokjin. Then Hoseok, and lastly Yoongi.
Lunch used to be his favorite part of the day, his chance to be with his friends, now he dreads it. He dreads having to keep the false smile on his face because he wouldn’t be able to stand the worry on their faces if they found out something was wrong. Because Taehyung loves his friends so fucking much. No matter how numb the rest of the world becomes that will never change.
Taehyung notices the absent one of their group and is about to mention it when Yoongi beats him to it, “Where’s Jimin?”
There’s a shout from a couple feet away, but even that seems to be dulled by Taehyung's numb senses, “Right here, hyung!”
Jimin walks up to the table with someone else trailing behind him.
Taehyung examines the newcomer with nothing short of disinterest. As far as Taehyung is concerned, it’s just another person to keep up pretenses around.
Jimin goes about introducing the newcomer to everyone, “Guys, this is Jeongguk, Jeonggukkie, this is Namjoon, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Taehyung.”
Jeongguk nods shyly at all of them, muttering a “nice to meet you.”
Jimin coos at him, pinching at his cheeks, “Isn't he adorable guys!”
This makes Jeongguk scowl, “I’m like a foot taller than you, Jimin.”
“Yah! That’s hyung to you!”
☾
Jeongguk falls into the group easily, Taehyung uses the distraction of the new member to distance himself. He wasn’t able to before, but now with people's attention on the freshman with the cute bunny teeth, he’s able to go unnoticed.
He never sees the way Jeongguk stares at him with something akin to understanding.
He still gets some texts now and then that always read something along the lines of, “Where were you at lunch today Tae?”
Taehyung always has an excuse waiting, “Had to make up a lab, sorry hyung.”
Eventually the texts stop, Taehyung doesn’t know whether or not he should be relieved.
He still goes to the hotel roof every night. He still hasn’t jumped.
He hopes he can find the courage soon, it’s starting to get painful again. The heavy feeling in his chest seems to have spread, now it reaches from the bottom of his neck to his waist.
Taehyung tells himself he’ll jump when it reaches the tips of his toes.
Everyday it gets closer, he starts to feel something close to excitement when it reaches his ankles.
One day the next week Taehyung wakes up and it's finally covered his toes.
He smiles.
☾
Later that night he makes his way to the hotel, looking both ways to make sure no one is watching before he slips into the alleyway beside the hotel. Still paranoid that someone could be watching even after all this time.
He climbs up the ladder, each rung he grabs bringing him closer to freedom, his heart beating faster and faster.
When he makes it to the top he practically runs to the edge.
He feels euphoric, so close to freedom. He gets out his phone, and he pulls up his group chat with his friends. His hands shake as he hits the buttons, but he’s smiling.
Chat name: The Homosexual Soybeans
From: Yoongles
> Fuck you hobi
13:19
From: Sunshine Hobi
>Awe ya know you love me Yoonie
13:21
From: Tae Tae
>im sorry guys, i guess this world just wasnt for me.
1:03
Taehyung shuts off his phone and puts it back in his pocket, he feels himself sway in the night wind.
Just as he’s about to let himself fall, he hears a ding from behind him. Taehyung turns around so fast he almost falls off the ledge without meaning to.
Standing there, out of breath, waiting by the ladder, is one Jeon Jeongguk.
Taehyung feels his heart stop in his chest.
“Taehyung,” Jeongguk says. Nothing else, as if he hadn’t just caught Taehyung trying to jump off a roof.
Taehyung shakes his head back and forth, tears starting to gather in his eyes because he’s been numb for so fucking long and he’s been hiding for even longer and now that someones found out, now that someone knows, all the emotions that had been hiding in the back of his chest are rising to the top.
“N-no, Jeongguk, leave. Leave!” Taehyung hates the way his voice cracks, “I was so fucking close, just please leave!”
“I can’t do that Tae, not until you’re off the roof.”
It’s remarkable really, that Jeongguk manages to be so composed even after finding Taehyung in such a state.
“I-I don’t, don’t want to-to, I can’t do-” Taehyung cuts himself off with a sob, and god if he thought it hurt before, it’s nothing compared to now.
“Yes, you can, Tae, I promise. I need you to walk towards me. Please, Taehyung.”
Taehyung thinks about it, and with whatever clarity of mind he has left he realizes that no matter what Jeongguk wasn’t ever going to leave him to jump. And Taehyung knows he would never be able to do it in front of him.
Taehyung steps off the ledge and walks over to Jeongguk on wobbly legs, tears silently streaming down his face.
They say nothing to each other, Jeongguk only letting out a small sigh of relief as Taehyung begins to lower himself down the ladder.
It’s nothing like the other times he climbed down. His hands are shaky and he has to concentrate not to fall. Maybe any other time he would let himself let go, but not here. Not when Jeongguk is only a couple rungs above him.
They say nothing when they reach the ground. Nothing when they begin walking back to campus.
The first words they exchange is when Jeongguk grabs onto his wrist to stop him from turning down the street that leads to Taehyung’s apartment.
“What are you doing?”
“You’re staying at mine.”
It’s not a question.
Jeongguk doesn’t let go of his wrist until they reach the door of his apartment. Jeongguk fumbles with the keys for a moment before unlocking the door.
“You should shower, hyung. There’s towels in the bathroom cabinet. I’ll leave some clothes outside the bathroom for you.”
Taehyung doesn’t really want to shower, but he has a feeling that Jeongguk won’t take no for an answer, so he simply nods in response and makes his way towards the bathroom.
He’s only been to Jeongguk’s once before. Right before he stopped showing up to lunch.
Taehyung turns on the shower and starts to take off his clothes, numb once again.
He spends too much time under the water. Less because it feels good, nothing seems to feel good anymore, and more because he wants to avoid facing Jeongguk again. He doesn’t know the kid that well. Having spent a mere three weeks around him before he stopped showing up to any group meetings and stopped texting on the group chat, but something about him intimidates Taehyung. Maybe it’s because he’s new, because he doesn’t know any Taehyung other than the one whose smile is made of plastic and chest is heavy with thoughts and feelings that make him numb.
And that scares him.
Because even if Taehyung didn’t know who he was anymore, the people around him always knew. Jeongguk doesn’t. He doesn’t know the real Taehyung because he has only ever made contact with the depressed one.
Eventually Taehyung steps out of the shower, turning the water off. He dries himself off with a towel and grabs the clothes lying outside the door.
He slips on the plain white tee and the grey sweatpants. He can’t help but notice the way they hang loose around him. Probably due to the weight loss.
He finally gathers the courage to walk out of the bathroom after a few more minutes of staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror. He walks into the living area where Jeongguk is sitting on the couch in front of two mugs of hot chocolate.
He doesn’t say anything when Taehyung enters, simply nodding at the mug that’s not in his hands.
So Taehyung sits beside him and takes the mug into his hands, sipping on the liquid, ignoring the pain when it burns his tongue.
“How did you find me?” Taehyung finds himself asking without really meaning to.
Jeongguk sets his mug down, “I saw someone climbing the ladder. I thought that they were going up to jump. I didn’t know it was you until I got up there and my phone ringed and you turned around. I texted the rest of them by the way, to let them know you were safe.”
Taehyung simply hums at this answer, taking another sip of the scalding drink.
“Why did you stop me?”
Jeongguk looks at him incredulous, “What did you just expect me to leave you, hyung?”
Taehyung looks him in the eyes, making sure that Jeongguk knows he’s serious when he says, “Yes.”
Taehyung can see the moment when the severeness of Taehyung’s state of mind dawns on him. The knowledge has the opposite effect on Jeongguk than what Taehyung hoped would happen. He expected for Jeongguk to realize how far gone he was and give up. He wasn’t expecting the spark of determination in his eyes.
“I stopped you because I refuse to let you die. And I won’t stop until I know you want to live.”
Taehyung snorts unhumorously at this, “People can’t be answers, Jeongguk. They’re just more questions.”
Jeongguk grabs the mug from his hands and sets it down next to his. “I need you to understand something Taehyung. I’m not looking to be your answer, I’m just looking to help you find it.”
Taehyung looks at him, really looks at him for the first time since he met Jeongguk. He sees his bunny teeth and big nose. The sharp jawline and short brown hair. But most of all he sees the kindness in his eyes. He sees the kind of guy who would climb to the roof of a hotel to save a stranger’s life and Taehyung can’t even begin to explain why, but he trusts him.
He trusts him to take the pieces of Taehyung’s broken mentality and give him the glue so that Taehyung can piece himself back together again.
“Okay,” Taehyung says softly, the answer coming much easier to him than he thought it would.
“Yeah? Good.” Jeongguk gives him a small smile and Taehyung suddenly sees one more thing.
Jeongguk is so, so fucking beautiful.
“Come on Tae, it’s been a long day, you should sleep,” Jeongguk says, carefully taking Taehyung’s hands and leading him into the bedroom.
Taehyung follows behind in a bit of a haze, eyes still stuck on Jeongguk even after he leads Taehyung to bed, turns off the lights, and climbs in beside him.
Taehyung is scared, scared of what’s to come and how hard he knows this journey will be. He’s scared of how his friends will react when they see him next. How they will feel about him with the knowledge that just days before he was going to take his own life.
But somehow nothing can seem quite that scary when Jeongguk wraps his arms around Taehyung’s waist and whispers, “You know it’s not a sin to be happy.”
So maybe Jeongguk isn’t a solution, but Taehyung is confident that he will still be around when Taehyung finally manages to put back all of his pieces, supporting him every step of the way.